Dag 442 – A physical experience of pure fear

Full quantum mind self awareness step 3

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It was a busy week with facing myself in some points related to control and ending up with a few days where in I was aware of participating in fear. I felt I was putting some strain on my body but was not yet realy able to stop myself within the moment. So I walked through, solved the point and my body started relaxing again. However, the next day I became ill, a headache and nausea started coming up during the day and reached it’s top in the evening. Here – same as I have experienced before – an experience came up as ‘this is unbearable’, by which I knew okay, hold on, keep standing within and it will open up. So I did. Here it was up to me to keep standing and not stay ‘focussed’ on a ‘point opening up’ in case I would keep myself constricted in ‘consciousness focussing on a point’. So I moved on with the normal daily tasks (which was in the evening and contained things like prepairing for bed) and here in the points came up as physical experiences of the fear that I had manifested within my body. The headache had in the mean time spreaden from the neck-occupy-bones throughout my head, within my throat, up to the nose and sinusses. Here it started burning for a moment, I could breathe in it, and it fade away. It moved like this through my head, the throat and fade away, until it came up within my chest and I felt a real strong burning, itching sensation, which I experienced as fear, pure fear. And so I experienced and realised how this headache and nausea and pain in the head, throat, sinusses, came forward out of an experience of fear within my chest, where in the moment that it happened, I had missed this within my chest, I experienced fear and adrenaline and restlessness but I did not experience the physical respons for what it really was. So I ‘got this back’ later. I Could quite easily walk through because the sinusses are not aerea’s where in I have build up chronic discomfort so there was no new fear connected to this. (The chronic discomfort I have build up within my intestines and is for further investigation how the fear manifested and misformed the muscle-tissue and mucus in there). One point is staying for longer as a slight headache around the left occupy-bone, which I feal related to movements within the intestine; I have this more often, I understand it is related to ‘reacting to reactions’ and I start seeing how it is related to constant activation in/as the mind but I am not yet clear on this point and have to walk this in specifity.

I have never experienced this fear so very physically within my chest and it made me clear how penetrating this experience of fear in/as the mind is.  So an occasion triggers/activates the quantum mind (related to a memory where in we have had an experience of ‘loosing control’ in/as the mind) which gives this experience of fear where in the body goes for a moment into a physical shock, as an inbreathe and not breathing through; the physical body ‘stands still’ for a moment at the moment of this activation of the quantum mind, penetrating the physical flesh. Which in itself is a very scaring moment. Scaring as frightening as scaring as making a scarf in the physical flesh within this moment of penetration. And so because we are not in breath but in a moment of an experience of ‘loosing control’ in/as fear, we are not physically experiencing what is happening within and towards the physical body, as we are kept within our own minds in a moment of ‘scare’ or ‘fright’ (schrik in Dutch).

This brought me towards ‘fear for this fear’, as ‘how can I stop myself from this moment of fright as an occasion that triggers this, will take place’. Where in I remember Bernard who said to me, when I asked him what to do with fear, he said ‘it’s a thought’. So I have to become aware of the thoughts within that moment in/as the quantum mind which would actually trigger my own fear, as thoughts are all little judgements which are very scaring, for myself and/or another. And these thoughts are triggered within an outside occasion on which we normally project on and connect towards the whole experience of fear that we have, and so within this, we keep ourselves dependent on these outside occasions ‘waiting’ for this fear getting activated.

I have to walk it back until I see how I create the whole experience and physical consequense, so that I can prevent myself from going into this, after first facing and forgiving myself within this while walking it in real time, for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself while creating this experience again. And if I see how I create it, I will be able to stop, forgive, correct myself and eventually prevent myself from walking into the same pattern over and over again and within this, prevent the physical body to go into the physical pattern as well which harms the body at the same place over and over again. I can give my physical body the neccasary nutrients to recover itself, but it is up to me to stop and change my patterns that create the physical consequenses in the first place. And when I am already within physical consequence I have missed several points and thoughts that activates the quantum mind and lead to this consequence and so this enlarge the pattern of fear, as in/as the mind it feels like ‘I am not able to do anything about this, it is beyond my control’. Which is the control of the mind; and in/as the mind, I exist in/as control, where in I will not be able to support myself physically as I will keep looking for ‘mind-solutions’, which are actually solutions in/as control, in/as limitations of the mind existing in and as energy, controling the whole physical body. Within this, I am locked in by my own consciousness.

This is as far as I am able to describe it at the moment. I will keep on walking this until I am totally clear on it and able to prevent myself from creating physical consequenses within my own body. If and when I am able to prevent myself from physical harm in any given moment,  I am standing stable and being trustworthy, for myself and for others in/as life. I will not know how long this will take and if I am gonna make it at all; I am only able to move on within this process where in I see the physical progress within myself with my own physical body as a point of reference, until it’s done.

Thanks.

(Note –  I write here ‘occupy-bone’ instead of ‘occipital bone’ as a mistake in writing from myself – see comment below this blog – however I leave it in as it is funny indeed how I made ‘occupy’ from it where being occupied with the mind-backchat may lead to pain/pressure around the area of the occipital bones in the back of the head)

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Journey to Life:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
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Dag 411 – Speaking myself through the top of a headache and see further

female symbol

Some days ago I started to see how within the whole condition of my intestines there are related emotions towards an experience of inferiority of myself as a female towards males. It was still vague and very deep located in the body, and I was somehow aware of this always, but is was also always ‘there’ so to speak, so at the same time, I was not really aware of it that one of the dimensions of the tense in my intestine is related to this experience.

I spoke quite a lot of self-forgivenesses through the day and the point started to move, and I also felt it related to the liverfunction, as some kind of emotional suppression within myself which gives my liver a difficult time to do it’s job properly ( in energetic test-results it shows often that the liver need some support in the function of detoxification). However I felt I did not really move through. At night I had a chat with my buddy, and we discussed the point. She gave me some blogs of her where she had written out a similar point some time ago.

Today my period started and I woke up with a slight headache on the background; I have this more often right before and/or at the beginning of the period; even so had my mother, it was actually the only thing that she complained about from what I remember as a child, and when here periods stopped because of the menopause, she has very seldom headaches anymore. This specific headache is started within the muscles on top of my shoulder (muscules trapezius), goes to the occiput-bones, and is also connected to some points within my large intestine where cramps are located. From what I understood from a tradionional chinese medicin practiser and also feel within my own body, is that the points are all located on the liver-meridian.

If I moved slowly and focus on relaxing my shoulders and stopping the thinking every time, the headache was ‘bearable’, and I did my daily tasks in a slow way. I had a chat with Larry and I discussed some of this point with him, and still felt in this how I was not really able to move and express within this point, and actually felt myself sitting back within this experience of inferiority as a female towards a male (which is not an experience that I have particulair towards him, it is more general existing on the background within myself, which gives a sense of ‘control’ in the communication with a male).

So afterwards, I decided to read the blogs that my buddy send me. I read them out loud and in between I added self-forgiveness on the points I saw coming up within me, related to this point. Halfway the speaking of the blogs, the area in and around my intestines became warm, emotions came up, and I could speak myself through the top of the headache while speaking the self-forgiveness. I saw why it was not something that I could write myself easily, as it where points coming up that I had not really lived myself but more points that I was actually ‘holding myself back from’, as it are points that I had seen my mother participating in quite extremely, not so much in angryness as well in a direct giving up on herself on forehand, before even speaking to the male, in and as a starting point of ‘not being listened to’, and vice versa, my father was not an ‘angry’ person at all, but could have a particular stubborn way of expressing and/or actually not expressing. So most of these signs took more place in a ‘not expressing’ rather than in expressing through angryness and other emotional voiced words.

And for myself, I tried to keep myself away as much as possible from this ‘behaviour’ coming forward out of an experience of inferiority and ‘not being listened to’,  where in I do become angry when this experience is triggered, and so in reality keeping this meant that i tried to keep  myself away from a relationship with a male that really had a chance to succeed.

I will keep on investigating this point as this is only opening up, and share some more about it if and when a point comes up that I need to write out more specificly. So far this is a moment of witnessing for myself of how to speak myself through (the top of) a physical point with the speaking and reading out load of self-forgiveness which gives relieve of the physical pain/discomfort and support to let go the stored emotional energetic experience that gives the pain and discomfort. it is also a witnesssing of how blogs from others can assist and support in walking through points inside ourselves within sounding the self-forgiveness out loud for and within ourselves, even though the words might be slightly ‘personally different’ placed; the construct is basicly the same as a construct of the experience of female-inferiority against male-superiority which is widely lived, played out, constructed and build up within and as the mind-consciousness-system within and so in and as this world-system without.

Related blogs that I read out load:

Who I am in Relation to MEN as Patriarchs: DAY 130

Why Women Use Emotional Manipulation: DAY 131

Why Women become Submissive in Discussions with Males: DAY 132

Some self-forgiveness on the most prominent points coming up within and as my own memories related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so powerless when and as I see my mother going into in what I perceive as a submissive attitude before she even started to speak about something with my father, and within this, starting to reject my mother in and as this behaviour, as I did not want to have something to do with what I saw and felt so powerless in, and so trying in and as rejecting, to keep myself away from this submission towards the male, in and as a belief that if I keep myself seperated from it, it could not really effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel really compassion for my mother in and this behaviour as what I saw as so hopeless unable to express herself and stand up, which is a feeling that I did not allow myself to really feel and stand up in, because I myself did not know how to express myself and stand up, and so, I rejected her and within this, seperated myself from this experience of hopelessness and desperation in and as belief in the incapability of expressing self and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and so perceive myself as incapable of really directing myself in and as self-expression, while at the same time, I know and am aware of my capability to stand up in this, which gives and has given a friction and conflict within myself for so long, seperated in a vision of myself which is not compatible with how I am living myself within reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopelessly sad and suppressed when I see my father as what I perceive as ‘stuck within himself, not being able to express himself’, while I see as what I interpreted as the friction, stuckness and disempowerment on his face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck inside myself when and as I am not able to express myself looking at my father, which gives an experience of friction, stuckness and disempowerment within myself from which I believe I am not allowed to stand up in, because when I do stand up in this, I leave my father alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for the experience that I perceived within my father but actually was experiencing within myself, of feeling stuck, frictioned and disempowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze inside whenever I hear the subtile manipulations and little nasty tonations and words between my parents which are build up inside and so find a way out, because of this incapability of open and frank self-expression with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply and endless sad because of an experience of being caught within this pattern between my parents, feeling unable to change anything within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted so badly that my parents had a ‘happy and open’ marriage and if this was not possible, that they then better could have a divorce so that this pattern could be broken through and that I did no longer need to sit in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a divorce as the only option as solution for the problem to open up the situation in and as communication, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived myself the ‘solution of leaving a relationship’ as the only way that I saw to solve the problem as opening up the situation, experienceing myself as unable to stay and open up myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I am better of alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself caught in between my parents where in it even looks like that I enlarge the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enlarge the pattern between my parents, and within this, make myself, in and as this believe, responsible for their incapability to communicate effectively together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and feel myself responsible for what I see as their incapability to communicate effectively with each other, but when I asked my mother sometimes about it, she denied everything and said she had no problems at all with it, while at the same, in the rare moments that my father expressed himself openly in his dissatisfaction and disappointment about things in his life, first thing that my mother said was ‘don’t be so negative’, and so, the communication was suppressed immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the communication with my mother by acting like ‘I am fine’ and by not really listening and or waving away her expression when she did express her dissatisfaction about little things in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch my fathers protectionmechanism as for me it feels like so much accumulation that it is almost imbearable and so, I should tiptoe around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I perceive as the imbearable load of what my father is suppressing inside himself as emotions and feelings and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself the imbearable load of what I am suppressing inside myself as emotions and feelings, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding how only the suppressing and accumulation makes it unbearable as being ‘too much’, while walking it through one by one, it becomes something that I am able to do and actually that everyone is/will be able to do if the tools of how to do this are provided.

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Next day my shoulders and neck feel like ‘having more space’ to move around, the headache is still gone, and also the few hours of menstruationpain in the belly that I often have at start, did not come up this month. The tension and delay in the large intestine is still here although there is a layer on top opening up a bit, which is a point I will keep on investigating for and within myself, layer after layer.

After finishing this blog, a very intense cramping pain is coming up inside my intestine, so I lay down on the floor, push soft but constant on the pain-point, hold my legs against me to come deeper within my body and start investigating and applying self-forgiveness untill the cramp relieves, push through when the pain is unbearable, push and stay, push and stay, not giving up this time, because as Bernard says, when you cannot have it anymore, you have to push through, and so I do, it must be here, if there is a pain, there is something suppressed; until I see something of myself as who I am and within this, the cramping gives in, starts moving and releasing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment of revenge (from with I do not have a direct memory, I can only see the direction within the experience which is from a very young age) choose between my father and mother, and within this, play them out against each other in and as my mind,  where in I try to hold on to my father and push anway my mother, but my father is gone, he is not here and because I have already choosen, I cannot go back, and so I have to protect myself in and as this ‘choice between’, caught within polarity in and as the mind, welcome to the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have made ‘the wrong choice’, where in I perceive, think and believe that I cannot go back, I don’t know how to go back, and so I keep on following this pattern my whole life, playing it out within relationships where in I every time again ‘choose’ for the male who is unavailable, ‘not here’ and leave the male who is staying next to me no matter what, where in I end up alone and within this creating an experience of eternal sadness – which I know now, is generating energy within myself – and for a long time blaming my mother for the whole set up within myself, because she is the only one that is still here and involved in it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret to not really see how my mother was always standing with me – with her ‘faults’ of course but she was here – because I turned away from her, looking for the one that was missing, believing that he must be somewhere, I felt ‘this love’ inside, I know ‘he loves me’, so where is he?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand where he is and why he is not coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not finding him, for pushing him/my father away, and so she has to ‘pay for it’, and so I push her away, even so as I blamed her for doing this – an eye for an eye – within and as my perceive and believe that she ‘did this to me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and believe that I did this to me, to my father and my mother in and as my mind; that I trapped myself within this fall, the fall of the mind in and as an eternal revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away in and as a moment of scare within myself for myself as who I am in and as revenge, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to my father in an undefined moment with my mother that I felt threathened by her, but he is not here, I cannot find him and so I have nowhere to go but to go into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that leaving brings a solution as safety, instead of seeing, realising and understanding, that within leaving, going into and as the mind, I make myself vulnerable for every manipulation in, as and of the mind and ‘loose my safety’ as being here, equal and one with and as the physical at the moment that I choose to leave where at the same time, from now on I need to ‘protect’ myself as who I am in and as this decision of leaving as what is not best for all, so I need to ‘keep on leaving’ to keep the pattern alive as protectionmechanism from seeing myself in the face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in and as the experience of fear of lost, because I choose to leave and lost myself within this in and as the physical within this one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive my father on forehand for everything and to blame my mother on forehand for everything and within this, giving my self-directivess away, creating separation and conflict within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep looking for love outside myself that I perceived I lost once while searching for my father ‘to protect me’, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that it was an experience inside myself, reflecting with and as my father, and so looking outside myself is only seperating myself in and as projection on another human being, even if it happens as a very young child with my father, the principle is the same.

I commit myself to forgive myself the layers upon layers that I created within myself after taking my breath away, and correct myself evenso in and as stopping the revenge in the moment when it comes up, perhaps suppressed in and as a physical pain, investigating and forgiving it specific, until and where in I, slowly but surely, stand up, equal to who I am as the mind, to enable myself to become equal to and one with and as life in and as the physical as what is best for all as life.

I commit myself to stop leaving, to stay here and sort out myself.

To be continued within myself as the pain is moving and opening up a little.

Thank you.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Male Ego

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

enjoying the day

Desteni-I-Process-Lite

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/