Dag 814 – Discovering self-will

I was looking at a point within me that I reacted within and at how to direct myself in it; or actually I was feeling quite desperate in how to direct myself in it. So I was in some kind of turmoil with back-chat coming up, me observing the inner movements for a moment.

At some point I asked myself the question: “Who do I want to be? (in it all)”.

This calmed me down and a clear answer came up within me of who I want to be within this specific point, as well inside myself as living it in my outside world. What I did see is that I never really asked myself the question in this way. It was mostly coming up as ‘what is best to do’ or ‘what should I do’ and I did see within this a ‘must’ or ‘should’ existing without considering my own self-will. Who do I want to be?

I was reading a blog afterwards from Carlton; he has these flowing blogs full of common sense, it reminds me of a very well speaking priest but then with words taken back to self – anyway, one sentence I laid my eye on: (…) if self-will is lost so is our will to live (because we’ve become so depressed about the way we feel) (…).

That did make sense to me and I see this as the missing within myself, my self-will being lost; actually if I am looking in my own writing here above, describing how this ‘who do I want to be’ first time coming up within me within awareness – actually never considering my self-will but considering so much other factors as the leading example of who I should be, what I must do, what is best etc. Here I did see my ‘will to live’ being lost – not giving into this and keeping on searching for ‘that more’, which eventually lead me to Desteni – however I did not yet before connect this to the lost of self-will.

Here to take into consideration that with self-will, I really mean SELF-will and not a mind-desire that I have channeled myself into as the leading factor. This immediately shows actually why and how it is that I lost my self-will, I lost myself within somewhere, somehow and channeled myself into many dimensions in/as my own mind consciousness system. It takes time to unravel all of it and discover my Self and Self-will.

With ‘I don’t want that’ I certainly do not mean the same as ‘I don’t feel like it’ – where the last is often used as an excuse to not do something that we experience resistance towards. As long as there are emotions and/or feelings involved and resistance is experienced, it is actually ‘the place where we must be’ and will ourselves towards the self-willed movement.

You will will yourself” is one of Bernards quote’s I remember clearly. As moving into and as what is best for all will not come ‘naturally’ and so I need to will myself first and foremost to this point of self-will. Where the self and the will comes together with all the ‘selves’ in a way, as the life existing within each and every living being. If I do what is best for mySelf as Life, I do what is best for All Life. It’s One and Equal. That’s how I see it. I knew this in theory from the beginning of walking Desteni I Process, however being able to see it within and as myself takes time. I keep repeating this with every self-integration of a living principle that I write about, as I find this a very important difference. I start with something, somewhere that makes sense to me (often gathering the knowledge and information) and then I investigate it until I can see, word and live it one and equal, within and without. or even vice versa like I sense something within me that I can not yet explain and then with gathering the knowledge and information I can integrate it as some effective self-support. With Many phases here within.

These are only a few examples of the layers that I find within the words will, want and self-will. It is actually the same as with the layering of self-forgiveness that I do see deepening in understanding through time. I started with (8 years ago) really unraveling the format ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to’ where I was looking at ‘who is forgiving who?’ and investigating this until I did become more familiair with it. However also this morning a deeper dimension opened up – after opening up the self-will – of the application of self-forgiveness. Every time a little bit closer to self and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my self-will in what I want and how can I consider another if I not even consider myself truly and deeply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to look at the dark dimensions within me and so not coming to a real deep self-forgiveness and so not coming to self and self-will in who I really want to be within it all, considering it all within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from new perspectives and real consideration in and as self-will, by suppressing the dark side of the the moon so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that without the dark side of the moon, there is no full moon possible either as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to consider what another want without considering what I want in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from ‘I should and I must’ instead of from ‘I will’ – here not to mean that I have something against the words ‘must and should’ as many thing do need to happen, if we want it or not, however I tend to use ‘I should and must’ as a replacement of ‘I will’ and so I never reach my self-will as long as I should and must from myself, where at the same time I become very exhausted from the force in should and must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very exhausted from what I must and should, without reaching my will in and as self, where in I do sense myself and my will, however I keep circling around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to circle around my self-will by avoiding the deep dark nasty things, not wanting to admit this to myself, thinking and believing that, feeling like ‘I do not have a right to exist anymore if I admit this to myself’ when actually it is the opposite and as long as I do not admit the dark within and as myself in it’s existence, this ‘I do not have a right to exist’ is what keeps moving me on deeper levels and so, I keep forcing myself in ‘I should and I must’ because I already ‘do not have a right to exist’ and so, I most ‘prove’ in a way that I am ‘exist-worth’.

I commit myself to consider, embrace, open up and self-forgive the dark side within and as myself, to while ongoing and eventually coming, to a point of self-attention, self-compassion and self-warmth, in who I am and where I am in my process and location-point in and towards self-responsibility, where from here, I will be much more willing and able to share this as myself with another and approaching another within and as the self as who they are and where they are in their process and location-point, considering me and them and us as a whole, in kindness and softness, yet firm and clear in what I accept and allow (Dutch) and what not, as who I want to be and become in every moment of breath.

Here my own self-commitment affects me, ‘using the words to work for me’ in what is possible – as another supportive suggestion from Bernard about how to write the self-commitments: let the words work for you.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive
Advertenties

Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

(…)

“And so – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all my relationship-experiences to be defined within/as the categories of either “positive/negative/neutral” all of which originate from the starting-point of “experience” as I “experience” positivity/negativity/neutrality – when in/as substance as equality and oneness, my standing With all as me is not based within experience or categorized within positivity/neutrality/negativity because I in fact Am all as me in equality and oneness, which is not an “experience” it’s a living/beingness standing. In this, I have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest my relationship-lines within/as energy as “experience” to/towards all as me as either “positive/negative/neutral”. Equal-to and One-with the World-System as Money’s relationship to/towards humanity – categorized within experiences / as living physical experiences of human beings with the “Positive” as those with the most Money/more than they require, “Neutral” as those of humanity that live comfortably with Money that have enough and “Negative” as those of humanity with little to no money at all.”

(…)

From: Day 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality?Negativity?

I am noticing within myself how I am constantly trying to bring myself in a ‘state’ of neutral energy, that where I feel ‘comfortable’ in and safe and relaxed in a way. That experience that I ‘know’ as ‘everything will be alright’. And I am doing this automatically, so I am/was not really aware that I am/was doing this. I did notice how I was everytime again trying to move myself to this state and then relax for a moment, thinking and believing that this is where I ‘need to be’ but I was not aware of the fact that this ‘state’ is not ‘who I am’ or should be or where I should be. It is merely creating an experience of constant fear within me; fear of loosing this state of experience and reacting to all and everything that is interrupting this energetic state.

I recognize this as the ‘neutral’ energy state that Heaven’s Journey to Life has written blogs about in the beginning. A neutral state that we all create within our subconscious mind and related to family and how we grow up – well from what I understand of it in a simple way. So it is not the ‘neutral’ of ‘being here’ and not reacting, but actually an energetic state between the positive and negative that ‘seems’ like ‘this is me’. But this is really to question and merely something I move around subconsciously (and from what I now realize while reading the blog of Day 6 – related to how I grow up living comfortably with having enough money to live from – interesting).

I found this a very interesting realization, because it gives a tool for myself to stop the constant experience of fear. What I notice in this realization, is that I do not need to react to so many things in a subtile way and that I do not need to live in an experience of constant fear, if I stop trying to attain this neutral energetic state; then actually all these outer and inner stimuli, do not need to disturb me. Because I do not have to ‘loose’ anything or ‘try to go somewhere’ and this creates much more space to look into myself and into the stimuli and how to move myself within this all.

I notice here that I choose to use the word ‘move myself’ instead of ‘direct myself’ and that I experience resistance on the word ‘directing’ so that is something to investigate within/for myself.

This realization doesnot mean that everything is now solved (and also this does not mean that ‘I can live without money’ or something because we all in this world as how it exists today, need the money to create a life for ourselves and each other), altough this seems so for a moment when this realization takes place. I now have to actively apply myself according to this realization and remember myself for doing so and then moving through the more challenging moments.

In the next blog I will write some self-forgiveness on this and here already some self-forgiveness with a link to the blog of Day 6 in Heaven’s Journey to Life.

(…)

“And so – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the continuation of such relationships of positivity/neutrality/negativity throughout my existence without change – because when/as I would change such relationships, I have come to believe that who I am will cease exist, not realising/seeing/understanding that the illusion of me as Energy will cease to exist – but who I am as substance/equality and oneness remains/is here and always has been here. But I have separated myself from me as substance/equality and oneness to such an extent, that I have come to believe that all I am is Energy/Experience, and so continued existing as this belief and continued my relationships of positivity/neutrality/negativity to/towards all that is me to ensure my continued survival as the Energy/Experience I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become.

(…)

From: Day 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality?Negativity?


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive