Dag 731 – Self-honesty, self and relationships

self-honesty

Continuing on previous blog.

For more than 6 years now, I am actively walking a process where in it is a core-point for me to transcent the ‘dependency’ within partnership. Through my life, I have had several partners and a pattern existing within this of starting and stopping. I could not find a way to keep my individuality and at the same time, be/become intimate in my sharing with another. I was not able to stand alone within partnership.

Now, what then does this mean? To stand alone? I learned how to stand alone when being/living alone, without a partner but then within this there is a tendency to search for a partner and when there is a partner, I often lived in a fear of loss or, the partner was existing in this pattern. All because, so I found out, the starting-point was not clearly cross-referenced within both: no discussions about what both want and/or are able to within a partnership and how to create this and how to give and how to support and what means love etc. So the starting-point was basicely still based on preferences and convenience, without really being self-honest to myself and to another about who I am and what I stand for.

This coming forward out of a ‘fear of loss’, as well when the relationship started but also on forehand, like not believing that any man that I like and who likes me and within the practical possibilities, would be willing to live with me and at the same time taking responsibility for oneself. So it is like a compromising on forehand, like, okay better live with someone halfway than living alone all my life (where this ‘all my life’ is what is showing this disbelief and fear ‘that I will never find a partner who is willing to stand with me when and as I am standing within a starting-point of self-honesty’).

But, here under, is hiding my own convenience. Of not willing, mixed with a ‘not knowing how’ to support another and push the principles where in another is given the opportunity to live accordingly to principles that are best for both (and from here, best for all) and expand as well. Not knowing how because I have never done this before or never had an example and so, it is all new to learn and develop. But what I actually mostly see is a convenience within myself about not willing to change and do the hard and dirty work, of step by step walking through all the shit that is coming up and directing myself and the situation in this. And here in I see, I am existing in judgement.

From not standing within and as my self-honesty of what I am accepting and allowing within myself and from here, tolerating within a relationship, I am existing in judgement, which leads to a fear of loss. Because I placed this partnership in the place of my self-honesty and from here, the separation from and within myself is existing and so I make myself dependent on the partner and on the partnership and on the physical intimicy. Within this I am existing in judgement all the time, I am hiding, I keep distance and push the other away (in fear as judgement) as a reflection of how I am in disagreement with and as myself and fear/judge myself for this, as long as I am not self-honestly facing this.

For 6-7 years I am looking at the theory of what it means to stand alone and live in/as self, as in not ‘missing another’ (as a reflection of missing myself)  where in I now see that the word ‘self-honesty’ is giving so much more clarity in this, as this is what I can define for myself. This is an active process that I have walked and am still walking and this is what I recently found within myself (hidden deep within myself) where in I kept my ‘preference’ at first place and secondly I tried to align my self-honesty with this, where I had to turn this around and place my self-honesty first and foremost and from here, look at how to align my preferences to this, if and when possible in a practical and considering way. Thus this means that I have to make peace with the possibility (or call it ‘risk’) that I have to let go of some of my preferences if I find that I am not able to live with it, practical, physical and according to my integrity.

This is an example of how we trade places in and as the mind and how we place our preferences above our self-honesty and from here, we make ourselves dependent on these preferences that we need to fulfill with something or someone outside ourselves. It can be anything: money, sex, love, food, drugs, alcohol, gaming, traveling, shopping, sleeping, watching tv and all variations within this.

We know in theory that we do this, we all know it somehow, however really seeing it within ourselves and understanding how we have exactly created this, is a whole other story, even from the point where we make the decision to change this within ourselves. For this, we need to walk what we call ‘a process’ through time.

It is possible that we have integrated this self-dishonesty in our physical body; in this case walking out of it, means to walk a physical process, through physical manifested consequences within our own body, as for example in my case, the consequence of a spastic colon.

To be continued


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Dag 412 – Reacting to reactions

The shoulder muscles starting the headaches coming up from the intenstines – indicating a lot of emotional reactions that you’re reacting to, so there’s things in your mind that come up that you still react to, “reacting to reactions” if you will. Thus, have a look at what things come up in your mind that you fear / resist / become angry about – forgive those reactions that come up towards the mind first and then take on the points in writing (Sunette)

Some writing out of self-forgiveness related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when and as I react inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when and as I am in reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how to stop reacting to my reactions, as it seems that it goes on and on, unstoppable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatience with myself within and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do as if my reactions are not about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically feel like walking a marathon inside myself in and as reacting to my reactions which gives a brewsed kind of feeling inside my intestines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be careful with and as myself in and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions inside myself when somebody is around, where in I have become ‘over sensitive’  as easily triggered because of accumulated reactions inside myself which I judge so suppress inside myself, where this judging of reacting gives tenstion within my body/my large intestine, judging the thoughts as judgements which give reactions so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anybody seeing me reacting and so, I suppress my expression in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have followed the example that I have had when growing up, of not showing my reactions, because I wanted to be just like him and not like her, and he did not showed reactions and she did more openly, and I choose ‘to be like him’, and so, I do not show my reactions, which gives inside myself a reaction/judgement towards my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not show my reactions as this would mean that I am weak’ and give in and show my face, which would mean that I am just like her, and I don’t want to, because I already have made the decision to ‘blame her’ (see previous blog).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thing, believe and perceive, that not showing my reactions meand having control of and within the situation, where in I feel safe in and as control in and as the mind, within a situation that I experience as ‘emotional unsafe’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can be hurt emotionally, and so I suppress my emotions as reactions inside myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that in this way, I hide myself within and as emotions in and as the mind, keeping myself locked in, generating energy in and as a perceived control in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to have my reactions, and so reject my reactions/myself in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions because I have only learned and seen from the example that I choose to follow, to not show reactions and/or having difficulties inside self with reactions, from which I made up that reactions are ‘something bad’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to become angry at myself when I did something wrong, and within this, show an angry reaction about/toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself in and as reaction when I do something ‘wrong’ like by accident putting a hammer on my finger for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself when I do something that I perceive as ‘wrong’, wherein I react inside myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself and so my reactions when I react, because I perceive reactions as ‘doing something wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘this is who I am’ and always will be instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I copied a pattern of an elder who I choose to follow and learn from and from an elder who I choose to reject to follow and learn from, which gave friction and conflict inside myself upon this patterns in and as this rejection of an elder and so, of the pattern that I copied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself in and as reaction and so create a layer of rejection upon reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create another layer of friction and conflict by ‘choosing’ between two elders and stepping into polarity within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘I don’t want to’ and ‘I want to’ inside myself by choosing in and as polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a layer of rejection of myself in and as the pattern of reaction, existing as a thought ‘I don’t want to be like her’ and so automatically choose to ‘want to be like him’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘be like him’, the one who is not reacting, while within myself, I suppress myself in and as ‘being like her’, the one who is reacting inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions from myself and others in and as a state of separation in and as polarity, in and as the mind, as this reactions, trigger the conflict as polarity inside myself, and so, gives an experience of separation, which is existing in a layer of dissatisfaction with and as myself existing in and as reaction underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my dissatisfaction with and as myself, existing in and as reaction underneath, by a layer of conflict in and as polarity, in and as the illusion of ‘having a choice’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an illusion of choice to hide the experience of desperation and dissatisfaction that I exist in and as in relation to my own reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself in and as reacting to my own reactions and within this, lock myself in, into the mind consiousness system.

When and as I see myself participating in and as a reaction towards a reaction, from myself and/or another, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself the experience as reaction that is coming up, as I realise that within this, I am creating a conflict as polarity to hide what is laying/lying underneath and I do this every time again to become more stable within myself in and as breath and when I am still reacting towards reactions, I forgive msyelf, I investigate specific what is going on, I write it out when needed and move on, as I realize it takes time to see, investigate, self-forgive and correct this point in all the layers and dimensions coming up.

I commit myself to investigate the reactions and experiences underneath, of dissatisfaction and desperation within myself, to forgive myself what I see, realise and understand, in writing out the points one by one as how they are coming up in daily life.

I commit myself to be and become gentle with and as myself and my physical body with regards to reactions from myself and others , in, as and bringing myself towards real (self)-forgiveness, in and as breath, before, during and/or afterwards every event that is coming up in relation to this point.

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