Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Dag 730 – Pushing my self-honesty

self-honesty

“And also pushing your self-honesty, cause you may find that what you prefer and what you can live with, is not the same”

Continuing on opening up the inner conflict that I wrote about in the previous blog. Something existing in it that I did not get a clear sight on and so, this is part of the reason why I did not open it up before, not really, but only looking at it from a starting-point of not being willing to change.

I saw the conflict of what I can live with and what I prefer, however I did not place the word ‘prefer’ in this and was looking at it as a desire, which was not really describing it as I did not really experience it as a desire so I could not work with that.

From here I lived the situation in reality – this is what happens when and as I am not willing or able to let something go through writing and self-forgiveness –  where I started to live as ‘what I prefer’ in a certain point but noticed that I could not keep standing in this physically, it was exhausting me. I have learned to push beyond some limitations of ideas of tiredness and not being able to etc, so I pushed myself in this. However here I was using this application in trying to live what I prefer, until the point of conflict inside myself and reflecting outside in a relationship, where I from this point started to open up this point of inner conflict and found my self-honesty within.

This gives inner peace and self-satisfaction as a reference-point and so I have found something to expand myself in. Where I had a chat about this conflict playing out in my external reality in a ‘breaking up’ in a relationship and here, my buddy mentioned to “push your self-honesty, cause you may find that what you prefer and what you can live with, is not the same”.

This made sense and could land within me, as here I suddenly understood how I have to make peace with this fact of what I can live with that may not be the same as what I prefer to live with. So here, I am ready to bring this point into self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a point that I prefer to live with and within this, compromise myself in and as my self-honesty and from here, see my self-honesty disregarded and not recognized through others, through a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in my self-honesty in relation to a point that I prefer to live in and as with a partner but where in I see that I can not live with it like ‘how I would prefer’ as in this way it is exhausting me although I may want it so badly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself in this point of compromising myself in my self-honesty with regards to a preference of how to live a relationship, where from here I see it reflected that a partner is able to live it like that but in a point of inconsideration of other possibilities and more in a way of ‘wanting it the easy and nice way’, of wanting convenience from where I then feel inferior because I am physically not able to ‘live up with this way of convenience’ – on several dimensions – and actually it is also not what I want or prefer anymore but I do not want to loose this partner and I prefer to share something with him and if he is not willing to consider me in this, I will loose this point of what I prefer to share with him.

Here it doesnot mean that I then need to ‘break up’ with this partner but more that I need to stand up within and as my self-honesty and from here, opening this up with the partner and lay out what I am able to and what not and from here, give him the choice to walk with me in this or not and so, taking the risk to ‘loose this partner’ and so to loose this ‘sharing that I prefer most to do with him’.

This sharing is still possible, also from a starting-point of self-honesty as here it is more in consideration of my own physical and so of physical reality as a whole and for the other it would mean a consideration of another being in and as the physical and so of his own physical and physical reality, meaning seeing and moving beyond only our own preferences and start living what is best for all.

For this, one need to be ready to give up some created energetic experiences and behaviours and activities and so if one is not willing or ready, a break up will follow (or takes place in advance to prefent looking at a point of self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and being rejected because of bringing forward a point within self-honesty that another is perhaps not willing to consider or resisting to look at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself within and as my self-honesty and so reject myself in my self-honesty and from here, create this form and experience of rejection in my outside world in an intimate relationship as a reflection of the relationship with myself, inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start blaming the one who is rejecting me as a reflection of my inner rejection of my own self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear voicing myself in and as self-honesty where then the fear should come forward out of and existing as a point of judgement and rejection of my own self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘hate’ towards myself about this point of compromise within and as myself (where in it is practical to look at ‘hate’ as in ‘building up angryness’ in – what I find very clear – ‘points that I did not yet have taken responsibility for’ and from here, this accumulates in and as the experience of angryness into or towards the experience of hate – towards self actually but if we are not willing/able to bring it back to self, we will project the experience of ‘hate’ onto something or someone outside ourselves, like as in ‘I hate my partner when he does this or that’).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience real shame about how I have rejected and ignored my own self-honesty, within trying to live what and how I prefer, in and as an idea, in and as the mind that I have appaerently created within and as myself with regards to relationships.

Why do I write this in a blog of Wholesome Journeys under the category of ‘the influence of a spastic colon’?

Because I have manifested this pattern within and as my colon with spasms, as a way of physical expression that is compromised by a mind-pattern that I have integrated within and as my physical body. In this blog I write more about how my mind consciousness system is implemented in my physical body in a way that it influences my organs and organ-functions, which I can use now as a reference-point to face my own self-limitations and neglection of my self-honesty.

In next blog I will write more about the physical dimension of the pattern that I opened up here.


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Uil forgive

Dag 729 – Opening up the inner conflict

inner-conflict

I am looking at the influence of a spastic colon, on…myself, my life. The question that then comes up within me here is, should it influence who I am? And what do I mean with ‘who I am’?

It does have an influence on how I plan things, on what I eat or not, on when I wake up, on when I leave the house, on how much time I take in the morning to prepare, on what time I go to sleep at night. If I look at this, it is actually determining how I have come to my daily scedule, which is not a ‘bad’ thing, as it is practical and supporting my body in this way, to have a rythm that I have find supportive.

I am still ‘wondering’ how I would live and what I would do and take on for myself if I would not have had this need from my physical body to keep a certain daily rythm and take care for myself in this. Would I then just ask more from my body that is perhaps not best for my body and so myself within? Or would I naturally do this because I feel better with this, because it supports my body better if I keep a certain lifestyle? Or would I just be doing fine with less ‘bounderies’ for myself in this daily scedule? And are it bounderies or are it guidelines?

This is something that I actually have as a question within me, day in and day out, somewhere on the background. So then within this – when I mentioned here that this daily ‘rythm’ is actually quite supportive for my physical body and so for myself within – the thing that is more of an influence on myself and who I am within, within every moment walking with/as myself in this one physical body, in a situation of the existence of a spastic colon – the thing that is more of an influence on me, is this question that is existing within me and that is giving me an experience of ‘not being satisfied’ or a subtile form of conflict within myself, day in and day out.

So writing this out, this is something that I can change within myself, as this inner conflict is not supporting me but more creating a ‘split’ within myself and so I am existing within and as this split deep within me, day in and day out.

It is something that I only by now start writing out, as somewhere I did not want to admit this to myself and even more, I did not want to show this to others as well. But the thing is that if I do not admit it for myself, I still place myself in a position of disempowerment, because that what I do not admit for/to myself and keep silent or suppressed within me, I will not be able to understand for and as myself, I will not ‘forgive’ myself for this as long as I do not understand it and as long as I do not start forgiving it and opening it up, I will not be able to fully understand this part of/as myself. And from not understanding/forgiving myself in this, I will not be able to change anything about it.

It surprises me that I find this so hard to open up, merely because I have seemingly so much investigated this spastic colon in a way and finding ways to physically support myself in it as well as emotionally. So now, it is time to start looking in the deeper dimensions within me and how the mind is interconnected within and as myself in this physical situation of a spastic colon. Which is obviously not the best part of me and as I know by theory and somewhere sensing within me and seeing reflected without me, it is functioning as a ‘hidden nature’ that I have accepted and allowed to channel within and as my mind and then integrated within and as my physical body.

To be continued


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Uil forgive

Dag 695 – The body-being-mind relationship – The influence of memories

memories

I was having a Kinesiology chat/session with Kim where I was asking for more context about an experience of ‘being ignored’ and in relation to the influence of my reactions (spiraling out) on my physical body. Here I will describe a small part of the chat that I would like to point out.

What came forward is a primary pattern where I react with confusion, anxiety, insecurity, submission and terrified in relation to people’s emotional patterns in general (so not just to specific emotional patterns).

What here came forward for the second time as being related, is a memory; though it is a memory that I do not recognize, but where I saw myself only keeping on looking into the relation to my parents. Then what came forward is that it would be related to a memory that I downloaded from one of my parents, meaning that it is not a memory of something that I have been part of in my life, but a memory from my parents that they did not have been (able to) work on to stabilize themselves within and so the memory kept playing a part of them and had been transfered to me (I can not yet describe here how this happens specificely – it has to do with the integration of the mind-systems within our physical bodies and how things are being transfered from parents to their children).

From what I understand now, is that with this downloaded memory underneath – where probably these emotions were experienced – I developped going into these emotions (confusion, anxiety, insecurity, submission and terrified) in relation to people’s emotional patterns in general. This is as far as how I see it and this is actually the primary point for me to work with.

This ‘download’ happened on the more deeper levels of my mind-body integration (on an unconscious, quantum mind, quantum physical level) and so it influences how I experience myself and how I behave/act.

This is what I could very much relate to as how I describe here in our chat:

Ingrid  Schaefer: aha
Ingrid  Schaefer: that makes sense, also why I Always feel so ‘stuck’ without being able to see something related
Ingrid  Schaefer: my father is emotional a very closed person and it feels like I have more downloaded from him and my brother from my mother, if this is possible.
Ingrid  Schaefer: my chest is releasing now, this left side point
kim amourette: “my father is emotional a very closed person and it feels like I have more downloaded from him and my brother from my mother, if this is possible” – yes
 kim amourette: “that makes sense, also why I Always feel so ‘stuck’ without being able to see something related” – yes as well
Ingrid  Schaefer: cool

And this pattern influences why I react to what I describe as ‘being ignored’ by some male I have been close with and these reactions come actually on top of this initial reaction pattern where in I have not yet directed myself effectively, as this is just opening op and it is making the reaction pattern on this male’s behaviour worse.  The reaction pattern on this male’s behaviour, is actually a distraction of the primary pattern that I need to work with. What I do see in relation to the male’s behaviour is the following:

Ingrid  Schaefer: I can see it related to others emotional patterns in general. In relation to this memory, I need some more time, I will have to see some more in emotions within me related to my father, that I may have created as reaction to downloaded memories, a bit as ‘carrying the load’ for him – this is what I see myself as well doing in relation to this male
Ingrid  Schaefer: so I start doing the work when he is walking out, and also to try to ‘prevent him’ from emotional reacting and then walking out
kim amourette: cool yeah looks like you got the point

Then what came forward is that the primary pattern is effecting my sleep, where in I do not so much see this in ‘not well sleeping’ but more in ‘waking up tired’ and general fatique. (And for myself, I experinece this ‘being stuck’ within my chest/lung-heart area and large intestine).

These inner experiences and how I behave and act, as patterns that I have created over time, are for myself to walk through, to understand, forgive and change myself within, step by step and very specific. Because this is my responsibility, I created this, although the memory was not ‘from me’. In the rest of the chat we walked through more specific dimensions to start opening up this primary point.

What I want to bring forward here, is that this small example underlines for me how important it is to become aware of how my own mind functions and how the mind in general in functioning, how many dimensions are involved here and how this has an effect on my experiences, behaviour and physical body. And, if I do not have access to this information, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to really come to clarity and forgiveness within myself. Because I will keep looking in the ‘wrong’ direction and let myself distract with this.

I also will not be able to really forgive myself, because I do not really understand what I need to forgive and what makes me feeling ‘stuck’ for example and here I will keep on searching and searching for context and even creating new reactions and relationships in this, within my own mind and I will – on a certain level within me – keep on blaming other’s behaviour for how I experience myself and “so then in that point of blame also not considering that my reactions don’t necessarily have anything to do with his behaviour per se (in this specific situation with this male’s behaviour), as my reactions come from deeper levels”.

This is a small example of how I see how our Healthcare in general, needs to be expanded in so many levels. So that we all can receive the best possible support to learn to support ourselves. This is a vision for the future, where many things needs to be changed in the world to make this possible. However on a very small scale, within some individual processes, it is already happening and this is part of how it shall be walked, from the very small within and from here, influencing our relationships and slowly expanding towards the world around us. And this will take time and there is much to investigate.

To be continued.

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

For related interviews to memories click here.

head-brain righthead brain grey

 

 


 

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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Uil forgive

 

 

 

 

 

Dag 663 – The cycle of abuse

Spiraal

Have you ever been participating in an abusive relationship? Many of us have and I would actually make the statement that almost everyone of us have in some way. Because, who for example has been ‘bullied into silence’ in their life once or more? Or maybe not ‘bullied’ in a way that would be recognized as such but for example ignored, or laughed into silence. Almost every child has been in this place in a situation that is not taken responsibility for after it had happened. From here, almost every child will do the exact same thing to another once or more later in their life, because this is how it has ‘learned’ and stored as a memory without learning how to correct this and here, the abused becomes the abuser. And so on.

Abuse can take place on a very subtile level or on a very visible level and there are many degrees in between, however the mechanism in it in the very beginning is the same. And to understand this mechanism and from here open the ability to end it, we need to get to know our own mind. Because, the mind in itself is set up as an abusive program. So let’s bring ‘abusive relationships’ into another perspective so that we do not fall into ‘oh’s and ah’s’ and emotions of ‘pity with others’ and judging it as ‘so bad and how can he or she do this and/or allow this to be done onto’ because no one is supported with that for real and it actually shows that one is reacting in separation from oneself and from the abuse that takes place on a daily base in the relationship…….with ourselves. Where we bully, ignore, laugh ourselves into silence.

What I came across related to the word abuse is the next picture:

cycle_of_abuseWhat is standing out for me is the word ‘forgotten’ in it as an essential point/sign that there did no correction take place. With every incident that happens, we have the choice what we will do about it and a decision who we are or will be/become within it. When we so called ‘forget’ what happened, we actually are suppressing what has happened and here we are not able to take responsibility for ourselves within what has happened. And if we do not take responsibility for ourselves within a situation that we actually should, it will be ‘stored’ somewhere within our physical body as a memory with emotional attachements that will remain there untill it will be activated (again) by someone or something else that we ‘react to’ in for example angryness again. Which gives a cycle.

When we do recognize the cycle of abuse within a relationship/within ourselves, this contains an opportunity for change or correction of who we are within what happens in every phase. Where we should actually not ‘forget’ what happened but where we need to forgive ourselves for what has happened. As well for the abuser as the abused. Only if we give ourselves the opportunity to forgive ourselves for who we are within a certain situation, pattern, accident etc, we will be able to eventually correct a pattern effectively within and as ourselves. If we do not forgive, first and foremost ourselves, we do not yet have seen and understood how we are involved within this certain situation, how we are part of the creation and that which we do not (yet) understand, can not (yet) be corrected by ourselves. Because the mechanism has not been seen and understood.

There are so many dimensions involved in abusive situations and relationships. This blog is more to point out a tool that one can learn to use as self-empowerment through learning to understand the core of every abusive situation and behaviour: the mind consciousness system that exists in every human being.

There is a very practical course free available online where one will be guided by and through the course material (and a personal buddy) to learn what a mind-consciousness system is, what self-forgiveness actually contains and how one can learn to apply this for oneself. To from here look out for solutions and eventually apply the self-corrections in physical reality. Which is ofcourse a process over time. Check it out here.

self-forgivenessCourses

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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation

Uil forgive

Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

its_a_process

Continuing on: Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid an experience of loosing in small events and conversations and here suppress myself in this experience and at the same time, because of avoiding to experience ‘to loose’, automatically try to win and ‘feel better’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to irritate myself when and as I notice another in conversation with me ‘trying to win’ without looking in my own experiences and what I am actually doing here myself which colours my observation around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot reach a dimension of this winning and loosing and the pain that I caused myself within participation in this polarity within myself and here more being on the surface of it within an uncomfortable experience of seduced emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to not experience the pain that I cause to myself from participating in the polarity of winning and loosing.

Can I name the experience here?

Being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my being by suppressing how I really experinec myself and instead of supporting myself and name the experience, forgive myself for the participation and believe in it and see what makes me feel like this, suppressing this within myself and my physical body and so, creating physical consequenses for myself from where I recreate the experiences and so the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when I notice another in conversation with me is not really listening but in my eyes trying to ‘win’ my attention for their own words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a battle for attention for words that are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of ‘always listening’ to the words of another who from my perspective, do not give any attention to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another does intentional not listen to my words, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that another might not even be aware of the inequality within the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because my experiences of not being listened to and not being noticed are so obvious for myself, that another is also noticing this but delibrately ignoring it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the other does not see what is going on inside myself and because I am suppressing it, it is not visible eather for the physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should get space from another to express myself as how I give another space to express themselves by listening and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to receive what I give, which is not unconditionally giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like with this giving, ‘emptying’ myself and labeling this as a ‘bad’ thing from where I now realize that what I experience as emptying myself, might not be ‘bad’ in itself but my interpretation of it might be misformed and so I misinforme myself with information from what I experience, so from my emotions that I believe and take for real as ‘this is who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinform myself by believing my own experiences/emotions as this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this ‘emptying myself’ is also an experience and so contained of negative emotional energie, based on misinformation as thoughts and believes as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own being while at the same time I am aware of myself.

I see now in the word ‘being’ that this is who I am, ‘be’ and as I define myself as ‘being something’ this is how I label my own ‘being’ as who I am and funny enough even the beginning of my own name is in it as ‘be ing(rid) which in itself also includes ‘be in grid’ as in the grid-lines and so within this letters I see a movement from ‘being in the gridlines’ to my ‘being’ does not mean to ‘delete completely who I am’ but more embracing and changing who I am’ by moving myself to and as my being.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘being ignored’ and from here, of loosing while i am in a conversation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in my mind in polarity, trying to make myself more (important) than the other to ‘become equal’ to each other, instead coming to a point of equality first within and as myself by stopping the participation within the experiences of winning and loosing as a way of control.

I realize that I try to control by trying to win (attention) and I realize that I feel like loosing (control) if I am not ‘being attended’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within conversation, expect to be first be attended by another to be heared, instead of attend myself and from here, express myself.

I realize that this is used as some kind of suppression to children that they are not allowed to speak when the adults does not give the persmission to do so, which I may even have copied as a pattern from a parent to whom this is used and which is in a form of suppression moved into the children as I did not see this pattern consciously affirmed and lived by my parents but sub- and maybe unconsiously, it was playing a role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy, believe and follow suppressed/hidden patterns without investigating for and within myself what the consequenses are of doing so.

I commit myself to allow myself to loose (control) within a conversation and to breathe and listen and also listening to myself within the reactions/experiences that are coming up.

I realize that because I am participating in experiences, I am waiting for myself to express myself as while I am in experiences, I am not able to express myself effectively and so, I commit myself to express myself to myself within and as the application of some self-forgiveness for the experiences that I separate myself within from where I create distance within and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for constant attention myself to create a better feeling about myself which I do not show but hide within myself, as a way of controling the situation and being able to ‘play it out’ in a form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within conversation where I experience an unability to express myself and project this towards the conversationpartner within hidden blame, which in itself makes it more difficult to express myself and where I even do not want to express myself anymore out of blame which is actually a form of revenche, where in I am actually secretely creating an experience of ‘winning’ within myself that I do not openly show and here, I keep control within and as my mind as being ‘the best’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be the best, instead of being and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be the best to make sense and that it doesn’t matter if I am not here as the best, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it is about being/becoming the best version of myself and not so much in comparisson to others as it is not possible to be better or less than others because I am not them and they are not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with myself and blame myself when and as I am not living the best version of and as myself, instead of seeing where I can support myself and move and guide myself within the best I can in any given situation/moment that I am capable of at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be better than I am/am capable of from expectations in my own mind to get attention from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get more attention if I do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all kind of expectations towards myself and from here, towards another and judge/blame myself (and/or another) if I and/or another do not live up to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear for my own projected reactions within myself from creating judgements as thoughts as expectations to live up to and from here, creating unnecessary conflict, within and without and then also, when there is a ‘conflict’ necessary to bring change, experience fear as judgement of conflict in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself created from my own fear (as thoughts as judgements).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up disappointment within myself that I experience as a ‘hate’ towards myself as accumulated points that I did not take responsibility for which I experience as a sickness in the midst of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself, to not stand within an appointment of equality and oneness within and as myself but allowed myself to go into a battle that I do not even like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like battles and games but do participate in it every day despite myself and/as my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my integrity in/as myself by participating in battles and competition in/as the mind, looking for attention as energy.

I realize that I am not able to express myself in certain situations because I participate in judgements as thoughts (=fear) and so in conflict as separation within myself.

I commit myself to be and become aware of the conflict that I participate in within myself within the small conversations with people that I do not generally feel comfortable with to express myself and here give the attention to myself that I need as support and guidance to eventually come to self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my own attention is not enough and that need attention from others outside myself.

When and as I see myself looking for attention to fill myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in my mind, looking for something (or someone) to complete me with thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of that I bring myself to a point of nothingness and forgive myself specificely for participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I realize that I have learned to constantly generate energy to ‘fill’ myself with from the participation in thoughts and from here, in feelings and emotions to keep myself alive in/as the mind as how I know myself.

I commit myself to breathe in the experience of loosing (a part of) myself that comes up when I stop myself participating in this ‘looking for attention’ to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and here, to let go.

To be continued.

I realize that it may look like random self-forgiveness on points that come up that I have manifested as a structure within and as myself and/as my physical body. Here I walk around a point, looking for a ‘way in’ and taking bits and bites from the surface layers here and there to in this way slowly break down the patterns and step by step coming more to the core of it.

Here I do not ‘wait’ until I see ‘the whole thing’ but start with what is coming up and from here, walk with it. This  is what may make the self-forgiveness seem a bit (or a lot) incoherent. What I also notice is that during and after the writing, the patterns open up more while doing the daily activities where I apply self-forgiveness in speaking.

I often come during the writing and speaking (and doing the daily activities here and there in the house in between), to a moment where I ‘suddenly hit’ the point that was bothering me the most at that time, where it releases physically in letting out the emotion via some tears which results at the same time in a diminishment of the physical strain that is prominent in that moment/during that day. Which is a (physical) proof for myself that I brought myself to the release of a small peace of the structure and so, applied myself in self-honesty in relation to (a piece of) this point and structure.

wheredoyoustart

Video 2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness?

WAAR BEGIN IK met Zelfvergeving? (vertaling)

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Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation

Uil forgive

Dag 626 – “Hey, I have changed!”

change-gifI was reading a few old blogs from myself where in I walked a process with the animals. Here I have written pretty much about how I ignored life in a point at a crucial moment and how I did not accept that anymore from/as myself.

Now, more than a year later when reading back, I see that I really walked through this point and changed myself within. I am not deliberately ignoring points anymore by going into my mind. I am not saying that I am aware all the time, that is still a process that I am walking. But I see that within the point of ignorance of my responsibility in a certain moment I have seen what I did wrong, I faced myself within, I have written it out, walked through the experiences coming up within myself, forgiven myself, written the corrective statements and most important, made the absolute decision to change in this point and from here, I changed.

I notice that when I am at a point of really seeing what I have accepted and allowed within myself, facing myself within the unacceptable and understanding what it contains, what system I am participating in, in/as the mind as distraction from myself and within this understanding / forgiving myself – from here the decision is absolute, it is enough and enough is enough and from here, I change in real time, immediately and it is simply not an option anymore to live out  the destructive pattern again. There are moments coming up where I have to push myself through and do things that I ‘do not prefer or like’ and there may be mistakes that I make and need to forgive and correct myself in and deeper dimensions can/will come up to investigate, but it is not an option to not doing it or to even consider to not doing what is needed to be done within this point.

And from here I become more quiet, more satisfied with myself. In this way I build in and as self-trust and from here I can take on the next point, and the next and the next. And this innitiate point is not an issue anymore, it is not a problem anymore but it is something that I decided to live and that I from here, live and integrate in what I live/how I live/who I am.

And this is very cool to notice. Not because ‘it is so cool and wonderful that I have changed‘ but because it is so cool that I have changed within/as this point, which contains that I am not living this destructive pattern/behaviour anymore where in I hurted myself and another as life.

Here I see the effectiveness of walking this process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrections together with walking this application in real time moments and integrating this as a ‘way of living’ as what is best for all in/as life. It are the very painful moments where real shame comes up, where in I face myself and if I dare to look, to see myself, to experience the pain and shame, to forgive and to admit to myself that I did it badly wrong; these moments I have found as the turning-points to immediate, real change that will function as stepping-stones to walk on and to keep on walking and forgiving/changing myself while moving through the challenging times.

Here the words ‘change is possible’ become true as real for/as myself and from here I start ‘believing’ as seeing that change is possible, where it is not an assumed/accepted believe in/as the mind but a living proof in/as myself that I walk and integrate and after several time walking, I notice: ‘hey, I have changed within this point and I am living this change without it being a mountain in my head to look up to’.

So for this, I really recomment Desteni I process and walking this process for yourself together within a group of people as mutual support, as support for and as life to stand up for what is best for all. Which includes everyone and everything.

full_robot-virgins-together-alone

Download this great song, it’s free. Let’s decide and learn to stand together alone.

Read: The Secret to Self-Realisation.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation

Uil forgive