Dag 744 – 23. Abusive relationships and dependency

This blog is related to record 23: Abusive relationships and dependency

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent on another being that comes through me and/or that I come through and from here, creating consequences for myself as well as for possible others to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within dependency, create a consequence for my ability of decision making, that I can not make a decision in common sense anymore but only following up on a consequence in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this state of dependency by thinking, speaking and acting as if I am ‘independent’ which is actually a form of revenge within and as myself for not finding what I am looking for within my dependency in/as the mind on another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am independent and making decisions, while I am actually depending on thoughts, emotions and feelings and following up on this within my decisions, thinking and believing that I make ‘my own decisions’ and not seeing that I am actually following a program in/as the mind consciousness system integrated within and as my physical body and my being following up on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be proud of my independency’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is more an isolation within and as my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependent on another for my own well being in/as the mind, while my physical well being is even being compromised by my own behaviour and inner experiences to try to ‘not loose’ the one I feel dependent on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first stand by and with myself and then if I feel my reactions coming up in/as the mind, starting to doubt myself in what I at first decided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start doubting myself in what I decided instead of taking responsibility for the reactions coming up within and as myself and stand equal to and with this and from here, see if I need anything to align as a dimension to consider as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my reactions determine how things will move forward, which they do if I do not take responsibility for it within and as myself so that I can move myself forward towards oneness and equality as what is best for myself as life as all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will loose something or someone instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only loose that what I have make myself dependent on in/as the mind as an inner relationship that is not best for myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will not take care of the inner relationship which creates consequences that are determining the outcome in a negative way up until ‘loosing each other’ and so, I rather tend to stay in a dependent relationship, trying to fill the gaps that I think and believe that another may not be willing to stand in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to here not see how I loose myself within a dependency in/as the mind, projected on another being within a relationship by trying to fill in the gabs and so, the further I loose myself within ‘filling the gabs’ as what I perceive as ‘gabs’ within my own thinking, the further I loose the possibility to clearly communicate with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and find solutions for another, instead of asking another what he/she sees as a possible solution and find solutions for myself in my own experience in/as the mind in a moment of trying to fill a gab as finding a solution for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a relationship with another, tend to ‘step in’ or ‘step out’ when I see that another is not taking responsibility within a specific point and so, creating a dependency within and as myself that I then later on want to ‘break up’ and step back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hardly be able to breathe within dependency on another or within dependency from another to me and at the same time, being busy creating this dependency myself and so, sufficating myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to here become very tired and almost dizzy and fuzzy and clowdy and almost blank in what to forgive in this.

When and as I see myself going into trying to find a solution for another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I better ask what the other sees for him/herself as solution for that moment and then perhaps add a suggestion or not.

I commit myself to find a solution for myself in stopping and directing myself in a moment of reaction of trying to find a solution for another, by supporting myself to breathe, to step back within and as myself and to first define what I experience and forgive the experience as well.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of panic when and as I see that another is not taking responsibility in a specific point, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not need – or will not be able to take responsibility for another but rather, take responsibility for my own experience as being first and foremost a living example of standing with and as myself.

I commit myself to breathe, step back and ‘catch myself’ so to speak in an experience of panic coming up where I then can and will further define where the panic comes from and why it comes up in this moment, to embrace myself and stand with and as myself within this moment that I may not know what to do or where to go and this is then fine.

When and as I see myself stepping back too far, as a reaction of fear towards what I see as a missing of responsibility in a specific point in another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have made myself dependent on the other that I react to in fear and then fear loosing the other when he/she is not taking responsibility within and as self, where I then fear to loose myself or that part of myself that I have made myself dependent in, onto another being.

I realize that I can only react ‘in fear towards what I see as the missing of responsibility in another’ if and when I did not take responsibility for myself in a specific point and so, I react because I am falling within this ‘missing’ of a part of myself.

I commit myself to keep standing within a reaction of fear, to not step forward or to not step back too far  but only stepping back within and as myself and from here, stand a moment within this position of not knowing what to do or where to go.

I commit myself to take on the challenge of stepping into the unknown of myself, while stopping to make myself dependent on another for my emotional well-being and at the same time, being aware and taking care of the inter-dependency that exist within relationships, as making sure that each participant is or will be considered equally in what each may need in that moment, which I can only clearly see when and as I stop reacting to a  fear of loosing something or someone, within and as myself and find that piece within and as myself that I missed and from here, bring it back to myself, in and as self-responsibility.

A process to be continued

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Previous blog: 22. Looking back without considering the mind

Next blog: 24. Expecting another chance


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Uil forgive

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on living alone

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling comfortable in living alone and feeling uncomfortable in living together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of living together and not like the idea of living alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in and as the mind, think that I need to be able to live together, without taking into consideration what mind constructs I have build around relationships that have taken place in the house while growing up and/or living together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being able to live together in a house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for liking and feeling comfortable by living alone in a house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to physically move comfortable while living alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear of really being comfortable within myself by living alone and being alone, where in the fear is that I will never start living together again because I feel so comfortable in living alone, where in I note that being comfortable and ‘feeling’ comfortable are two different states of being, as really being comfortable is physical being comfortable as myself, and feeling comfortable is more like being in the comfortzone in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the idea of not liking the living alone on how this is brought forward as an image into society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as pathetic for living alone and being 40.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as strong and independent for living alone most of time, and being able to manage within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing strength and independency while living together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really like living together with animals – preferable a lot, which is not able because of money and work – more than I like living together with human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge msyelf for being more comfortable by living together with animals than by living together with human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost within my own reactions as systems while living together with a human and for this, prefer living alone.

When and as I see myself going into judgements on me living alone at the moment, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I go into judgement again, no matter what the situation is that I live in, me as the mind will find a judgement anyway.

I realize that it doesnot really matter if I live alone or together at the moment, as I have made the decision to live alone at the moment and walk process within this situation, which is a decision that I can only walk if I stand up in this decision.

I realize that living alone at the moment, does not mean that I have to live alone my whole life from now on, and living alone does also not mean that I cannot start a relationship walking towards equality , and starting a relationship walking towards equality does not mean that I cannot live alone anymore.

I realize I need time to walk process and to become more stable within myself to stay stable when being and/or living with other human beings. And this is what I created for myself, time and a place to walk process. If I donot allow myself to be and become comfortable within this situation of living alone, I can also not be and become comfortable while living and/or being together.

I commit myself to allow myself to be and become really comfortable within my own physical body within living alone and standing alone. And this point of comfortability within my physical body while living and standing alone, will be a starting point of seeing as a real decision of what situation I want to live in after several time, with regards to the practical possibilities and life circumstances in that moment.

Animal’s Life Review Series

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)

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