Dag 821 – The core of my sadness

I was reflecting back – again – on the period of fertility (open link for related blogs) and not having decided to carry through a pregnancy. From where I finally come to the core of all the sadness within myself. The sadness that I projected on this ‘fertility’ process. On the ‘regret’ of how I have walked this period in my life, towards and after having an abortion at my 27th (for those who did not read any blog from me yet, I am 47 now).

What I did see within this as the core of the sadness within myself, is that I did not want it in the way that I was able to in that moment – which is also what I actually decided with and as, towards an abortion. But I did not fully stand within my decision because there were dimensions that I did not really consider at that time. And so I actually started to ‘step back’ of myself, to ‘let myself down’ in a way within my own decision. This due to all the emotional turmoil that did come up within me as a reaction; due to a fear of ‘missing out’ on the opportunity of a pregnancy; due to having my desires not fulfilled; due to not having finished what I started (getting pregnant) but what I actually should not have started at all within that period in my life.

So here I came to the point of admitting to myself of that what I really did and do not like and that did play a role in my actions with regards to the pregnancy: the way how many systems exist within myself and / as within this world (as for example the child-parent relationship within myself and the school system without myself) and how relationships functions in a way that I do not want to participate in. And how this is actually the reason for the deep sadness within me.

This all in the background and not yet having the tools to direct myself within it all, did bring up an experience of depression within me and I feared a postnatal depression as well – which I see as quite possible in that time, due to the situation that I choose to create. I projected the search for my potential of ‘birthing myself as life in the physical’ on ‘giving birth to a child’.

So actually, I did follow up on this ‘path’ of searching for myself in it all by deciding for an abortion, as the only option in that time ‘to stay true to myself’ (as I was not yet having the courage to decide to become a mom anyway, within my utmost potential). This ‘path’ or ‘search’ went on with a lot of distraction, mostly emotional distraction related to this area of relationships, love, sex and fertility. Where eventually I did come to a place where I finally saw things coming together, where I do see the ability to find myself and the confirmation of this possibility as ‘me’, as something that I always ‘felt’ and saw deep within me. Probably we all see and feel this within ourselves in some way – which is our true potential.

So this is my true potential, this ‘looking through’ things and directly see or sense the realness (and so the bullshit as well). But as with all human beings within and as the mind, is the veil set up very delicate so that we tend to get lost in distractions in some area, which in my case was the ‘veil of love‘ and everything related to this. Which made me ‘see’ in a way what is real – or actually to see what is not real – but at the same time I choose to let myself distract in it as well, believing that ‘it should be possible in my way’. Where ‘my way’ did contain a way where I could still place my desires above my self-honesty.

This does not mean that ‘I am not allowed to have any desire’ as within a desire, a true potential may be hidden. However my self-honesty comes first, so that I can lead and direct myself within a desire and find my true potential as that part of me that is still channeled within that desire, in and as the mind. So that I have the strength (as in ‘I can trust my self-honesty’ see previous blog) and patience to stand and keep standing within the point of self-honesty, even and when and as this means that ‘I stand alone’.

I need to be my own reference that I can trust in eternity. And so I did come to live in and as my own worst nightmare, meaning that I needed to let go of that desired outcome, in my case up to the point of accepting that it will not happen in this life-time and guess what – within my own worst nightmare, within this deep dark forest in and as myself – I find myself, my self-honesty, this eternal depth of who I am and who I can stand with into eternity. In and as the principles of life.

So this ‘endless’ sadness that exists within me, I found related to the illusions within how the world (= the human mind) is set up. Where we all have channeled our true potential within our desires, living them out at the cost of life. Imagine if we all do that. If I look directly at what it created as consequences within my own life and how many years I have followed the distractions and how this accumulated; then imagine if we all do that and how this accumulates at large scale, up to the point where we totally loose sight of our self-honesty and how to bring this back to where it belongs: we need to put our self-honesty first and using ‘desires’ to live our utmost potential. Where it actually are not really desires anymore and where it can become a living expression of our uniqueness within.

Even if I do live my self-honesty in many area’s in my life (which I did) but still not in one area (as I did) – I am still fucked and my life is still fucked up and sucked within this one (major) illusion. Where I project all my sadness on this illusion. However the real sadness is valid, because of how I exist within how this world exists. So the only solution is to stop loosing myself in distractions of any kind and start directing myself within and as my core and strength, within and as the power of ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

And this part of me, is never lost and I cannot loose it. The emotional sadness I will be able to stop, when and as I connect with this part, with this strength within and as myself and from here with others within this same point. And then together we look for solutions based on this point of self-honesty, as what is best for all life. Welcome to Desteni.

Because it is Desteni as the group that I recognized as where everything comes together. Without this group, I would not have been able to be who I am now and where I am now. My self-honesty would then probably still have been an undefined potential within me. Yes, I need to walk through desires and challenge myself to walk into this deep dark wood within and as myself. But this group will not ask me to give up my integrity, it simply is not possible, because it is build on integrity, it is set up and exists as Life Integrity Itself, in and as The Principles of Life. So we only encourage ourselves and each other at the same time, to find and live this integrity, as what is best for life as a whole – which obviously, includes the life within and as myself. Where Bernard mentioned sometimes: eventually Desteni becomes your relationship. But I am still figuring out those words.

Looking at it this way, I was quite effective in achieving my goals lol. The misalignment was my starting-point and so that what I initiated, did not keep standing because I could not keep standing or standing up in it. Or simply said: I was not ready to live in a self-honest way that what I initiated (becoming pregnant and a mother) and so the fear took over. In certain time after the abortion, I was not even ready to take care of a cat (I tried for a week) as it overwhelmed me too much; I needed all the attention focused inward myself to sit with myself and my emotions. I was self-honest enough to not be able to build a life on a starting-point of self-dishonesty. But I was not self-honest enough to accept my own self-honesty, to recognize and stand within my own strength: I can trust my self-honesty. And so, whatever I decided back in that days felt like a loss.

And so, back to current time, I am exactly where I need to be as what I created, accepted and allowed, within the strength of guiding myself through the consequences, into and as my true potential. Piecing myself back together, finding the core of my sadness and finding the strength within me to start trusting my self-honesty in every small moment as a ‘strong woman’ and finding the courage to finally finally, start making ‘mistakes’ as a learning-process into the new.

This is me. If I can do it, so can you. Alone yet together.

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De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 820 – Redefining the word ‘strong’

At the moment I am writing and preparing in different places, also in Dutch and so my ‘process blog-writing’ here goes slow. This does not mean that I ‘stopped’ the process-writing or process in general or that I am struggling with something; it merely means that I want to do many things – practical and on the internet besides work as well – and that I am dividing my time between it all. Also,when I do not write a blog, I still walk my process every day as ‘process’ for me has become a part of my daily life.

This having said, I would like to write a bit about the word ‘strong’ or strength!

Bernard, as well as the dimensions through the portal, mentioned that ‘I am a strong woman’ (‘you need to accept this’ said B). I did see the ‘truth’ in this, I ‘feel’ and notice this inside myself, however at the same time I could not find a suitable definition for it and this then made me being hold up with the ‘old’ definition of ‘strong’ as if I am or should be strong, like ‘not being weak’ and ‘having a ‘strong body’ or ‘standing strong within a point’ and things like that and at the same time, not wanting to make an ‘ego-point’ out of it.

I do have a little issue with muscle strength. I see this related to how my mind is set up within my physical body – I have written a blog about this – and so I see my muscle strength as a bit less than average – besides this I see it also related to my posture. (note I do function well and am able to put in a lot physical effort, however within training etc I see how I take on less weight than could be ‘expected’ with my age and condition). Recently, I did see it coming up as an emotional point, where with a specific muscle-testing, one asked me ‘to hold as strong as possible’ and this was not really a lot lol, meaning that the one testing could easily pull through my hold. I then suppressed the emotion – I did not want to show I was touched by it and I also did not see it as ‘so important’, with the result that I did become ‘untestable’ lol and I firstly needed to express the emotion. I also saw myself lately – last few months – giving a lot of effort to strengthen my muscles in the gym. I did feel some result, however little and slow. I see more dimensions related to this, however I do keep it to the definition of the word strong for this blog.

Last friday we had a chat on destonians.com with Garbriëlle looking into redefining some words. Here she came forward with a definition of ‘Strong’ meaning: ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

I found this such striking redefinition that really resonates with me and then looking back, I can relate it to what Bernard probably did see 7 years ago with saying ‘you are a strong woman’- meaning ‘you can trust your self-honesty‘ – especially because he also mentioned that ‘I see what is real’ as my strength. (Many times, only years later his words do fall into place; actually when I am ready to understand and integrate it within myself).

This gives me a definition to move on with: Strong as ‘I can trust my self-honesty’. As this is also something that I was looking at lately, how I ‘know’ in a way when I do see something REAL although I may not yet being able to express myself according to what I see or although some reactions may come up. So that is then the next step: how to express myself according to my self-honesty, to what I see, within my strength as trusting my self-honesty.

It is also a definition that works in any given moment. No matter how ‘weak’ I physically may feel in a moment, no matter what my condition is (which is fine overall, I just point out all possible situations) – I can trust my self-honesty and so ‘be strong’. I like that, it is awesome. I can stand with it in any time and given situation and at the same time I can not make an ego-point of it because I will notice this not being self-honest and so I cannot trust it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my muscle strength defines my inner strength, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘strong’ means that I can trust my self-honesty and that this then may reflect in my physical appearance as in my stand and muscle-tone, aligned with the individual potential of my physical condition and constitution as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move in polarity from strong to weak to strong to weak etc, instead of standing strong within the core of my being in every moment and any given situation, within the ability of trusting my self-honesty and within the ability of expressing myself accordingly.

Remembering a song shared on facebook last week (by Ida via Leila): Soft to be strong – a lot going on around the word Strong!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be strong within and as my physical body without trusting myself, in and as my self-honesty, in every moment and given situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question and doubt myself in my self-honesty and / or to not live up to my self-honesty through distractions within desire and fear, through emotional turmoil and so weakening myself instead of making myself stronger within trusting my self-honesty and (practise) expressing myself accordingly in and as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I feel ‘weak’ in some way, to stop, breathe and see within myself where I am not trusting my self-honesty, to embrace and forgive myself within the related fear as self-dishonesty that I see, within and as softness yet firmness and from here, practise to express myself, aligned with my self-honesty in that moment and given situation – may it be sounding a self-forgiveness, may it be words into the world, may it be silence for that moment.

To be continued and walked in the physical. Thanks!


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 820 – Rushing while eating: self-forgiveness towards self-care

For a long time I notice that I am very much rushed before and when / while I am eating. As if I need to catch a train, as if someone is going to take my food away – that kind of rushing. When I am at work in a store, it is a direct related experience towards the fact that in any moment I can be disturbed when someone is coming in or when more are coming, right before or during lunch. However then when I look at this moments and using it in my DIP Pro lessons to forgive and change myself within, I notice that it is not only then. I am overall having the tendency to rush while eating.

So I slowed down during lunch and looked some deeper inside myself while eating. I did make a start with it, let’s see where it may lead:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush before and during lunch / eating, to become very hasty, to not really take time to chew and enjoy my food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel alone’ during eating and to not want to feel this experience and so, I rush through my food as a distraction from emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable during eating, as if ‘too vulnerable’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to take in as much as I can and as fast as I can, to ‘get it over with’ without exactly knowing where this is coming from and without questioning my behaviour into deeper dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad during eating and so I rush through my food, to not experience the sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open up about this subject and so I now give myself permission to open it up, inside myself and for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a repercusion if I open up this hasty experience inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want anyone to see me in this experience and so I rush and behave supervicious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself in this experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about loneliness while one is eating alone and so I picture myself as lonely when eating alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be with myself, my body and the food I take in while and during eating a meal but instead, hide in separation in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually want to support myself in this separation within and as my mind, out of an experience of ‘being abandoned’ – so abandoning my beingness – and from here, not willing to really embrace myself and be with myself and my body alone – as in Al(l)-One – where another self-honest step with regards to relationships was needed (which is a subject for another blog) to step forward within myself, out of my mind, into my awareness and so bringing myself, my beingness Here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really taste and feel the structure of the food in my mouth but rush through the food in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself a sufficient food intake in the past when I actually loved to eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for years and years, eat the minimum to stay alive and function within the system and so actually slowly diminish myself as the life within me.

There is one memory from where I was much younger, under 10 years, where I asked my mother for a plate with cooked oatmeal and while eating, I did not like it that much and it was way too many, however I was scared to say so because I asked specifically for this plate, up to the point where I was trying to eat with tears in my eyes and my mom asked me what is going on. I told so, nothing unpleasant happened after telling, nor did I need to finish it, however I felt so miserable and sad in the moments before, with this big full plate in front of me and not knowing how to get it in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad and lonely with this full plate in front of me and not having appetite to finish it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say that I cannot finish it because I firstly asked for the plate myself.

Perhaps I asked for it because my father was always eating it as a breakfast and we ate with my mother and brother that saturday evening (I guess my father was at sports as he did on saturdays), I see us sitting, me on the ground at a low table, where on saturdays we ate ‘simple’ like bread and soup and in the frontroom, not at the dining table.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to probably asked for the food because my father always eats it at breakfast and however I did like the taste of a spoon, it appeared that I did not like a full plate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not having provided that a full plate is way too much to eat and that my motivation to eat it may be of a different kind, to somehow be closer to my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the missing of my father within me and trying to ‘solve’ this with eating the food he eats for breakfast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, for my clumsy and helpless solutions with regards to emotions within me and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time when I eat, experience a loneliness within me, as if I am reliving a memory over and over again, denying emotions within me, up to the point of denying myself a sufficient amount of food in the past and now up to the point of rushing myself through my meals that I am actually grateful for to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to live and express my gratefulness, my gratefulness towards the life that I live – in a world that is upside down but located in a position that not many do have in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, to ‘be unable’ to live and express the care that I deeply feel within myself, the care for life and my awareness of the state of the world and us all in it and from here,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for and when not being recognized for the deep care I carry within me, although I may express myself roughly or unclear or only halfway or not at all – the care is here, I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe – as is visible in my own words – that I ‘be unable’ to live and express myself which is actually not true, I may feel / experience myself as unable but certainly not be unable to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when someone walks away, that ‘I don’t care‘ but I do care! I care and if and when someone walks away it does not mean that I don’t care.

I commit myself to embrace myself and to recognize myself for the care that I carry within me, although I may not yet express myself in alignment in all aspects in and as life, however I do know what I stand for and who I am within and so I commit myself to practise and expand in my self-expression in small moments in alignment with the care existing within and as me, to birth myself into life in and as the physical.

When and as I see / experience myself rushing through my food, I stop and breathe for a moment. I realize that there is no need to rush and if there is a physical need to rush, to see what I can practically do to eat slower and when there is no physical hurry-situation going on, I realize that there should be an experience within myself that I separate myself from or even just from a habit developed over time and so from here, I commit myself to slow down, to look inside myself and define and embrace myself in an experience that I exist within, to apply a self-forgiveness on it, to breathe out, let go and start or continue eating.

I commit myself to see what supportive living word is coming up within me after the application of self-forgiveness that I can embody during eating, in and as (cr)eating-process.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 818 – What is underneath?

I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.

What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.

Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.

We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.

Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.

As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.

I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.

Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.

Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.

—————————————————————————————

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Uil forgive

Dag 817 – Patience

I see within myself in certain area’s that I have patience naturally and in certain area’s, I do not have it, at all. Here when I look at the word ‘patience’, it is like a ‘patient‘ to me, as a word for someone who is ill in some way and then being placed under diagnoses of the medical circuit. Where in I do not like or use the word ‘patient’ eather, as in this, one is easily defined as one’s ‘illness’; where I see the ‘illness’ more as a dis-ease within the mind-being-body as a whole and so it doesnot define someone as a whole, it is a part of oneself, a disbalance created or carried within one’s genetics and then activated and lived out and so, one is responsible for it, however not defined by it.

So here one could say, that I did develop a healthy way of being patience, which is also due to my medical education that I started around my twenties in the area of natural medicine – so here I have trained and developed myself effectively.

In other area’s – mostly within communication and interaction within relationships – I can in moments easily become impatient. Here defined as the dictionary definition of ‘feeling passive or suffering’.

Let’s open up my default connection with the word patience, realizing that I do have a reference point of patience within myself and so I am able to define this word effectively in every area and from here, I need to practice and train myself to really live it, just as how I have developed ‘patience’ as a an expression with regards to considering our physical mind-being-body health in general. I just need to bring this in extension within the more intimate relationship with myself and/as another, more close to home so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like passive and suffering when and as I need to wait for an answer for a while, even if it is totally normal that the answer is coming later as the physical movement needs time, it can only go as fast as it goes and the physical pace is the norm that I require to follow, simply because I am a physical being and I live in a physical world, connected to all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with the physical pace, connected to myself as a physical being, this physical world and all and everything within it and instead, go into my mind and create a more faster pace that I then expect how things should go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually, place myself on an island within and as my mind, creating a pace for myself alone where in I move with the pace of my preferences and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pace of my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pace of this physical existence as a whole and all and everything within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have patience with my self and my own physical pace and from here and out of uncomfortability, trying to ‘catch up’ with my own and/as another’s mind-pace and within this, forcing myself as another into a direction in/as the mind, instead of slowing down, forgiving what is coming up in my mind as desires, thoughts, expectations and what more and aligning to myself physically here, which probably will be supportive for another as well, because we simply all have difficulties to slow down and align with ourselves in our physical bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself on an island in/as my mind, to not let another in, to not let another support me especially within an intimate relationship because I am not comfortable with myself and my own physical pace when being around with others, as here I become nervous, restricted, focused outside and loosing touch with myself inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to probably from a childhood pattern of revenge, keeping another at distance and not allowing another – especially in an intimate relationship – the practical action of supporting me in area’s where I may need it or could use it, even if it is simply asking for time, space, being here with me, where in I then start using this as an excuse that ‘no one is supporting me (especially within an intimate relationship), not seeing, realizing and understanding that I simply give no room and space to be supported and stand by as I manifest myself as if ‘I can do it all by myself’ and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame every partner for not supporting me when all the while, it is me on my island, high and dry so to speak, using ‘not being supported’ as an excuse to not step into and beyond the comfort of what I know, into the unknown, with trial and error, saying ‘I also do not know it exactly but we have to find out along the way and I would like you to slow down with me and see what is here’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as ‘if I know what I want’ but all the while, staying at the surface and feeling constricted underneath, as an iron system manifested in and as my physical body, around my organs.

I commit myself to be and become patient with myself in walking step by step, deconstructing this iron or metallic system manifested around my organs, forgiving myself for my own created desires, expectations, idea’s, to let myself in so to speak and from here, to practice communication about where I am, what I would like or require to be / become more comfortable, gentle, soft, aligned with myself and within my physical body, to use what is here and who is here in my physical reality, as a self-supportive interaction for both / all involved and from here I will be patient and supportive with others as well in their physical pace and where they are and I commit myself to share and have fun, to use humor, to laugh along the way as one of the best ways to release inner restrictions and tension and become connected and aligned as well.

I commit myself to expand and embody the word patience in different area’s within myself, to be and become unwavering in every moment; standing here, one and equal with and as myself, in understanding of my mind, being and body connection in and as this physical realm as a whole, not judging my mistakes, not judging my pace and location but sharing, forgiving and laughing about it, realizing the effort it takes, realizing that certain things need to be walked through and from here, aligning and connecting with myself and one another in a way that supports myself, another and life as a whole.

I commit myself to allow myself to be vulnerable, when and as a moment is here and to allow myself be supported and allow another to support me, to be humble yet aware, in ways or area’s that I am not yet comfortable but on my way to open up for myself, within myself and I commit myself to support myself through and within the uncomfortable moments, to take a breath and see what is here within me to express.

Patience

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Uil forgive

Dag 816 – What does ‘strength’ mean?

Eileen Sorg – Inner Strength

I am going to have a look at the word strength. What does it mean to have strength, inner strength, to be ‘a strong woman’ and to accept this within oneself?

I have no or little guideline or structure in this I notice so let’s see with the writing if I can start creating such platform for myself. I am quite sure I misinterpret the word strength, although I know it is not about physical strength, then still I do have a picture coming up with what ‘a strong woman’ means in my (un- / subconscious) idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a strong woman as a woman who can stand her ground in this world and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the strength here projected outside myself as ‘who I am in this world’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding strength here as a presence within and as myself to push myself through energetic mind-patterns that I have accepted and allowed to integrate within and as my physical body and then limiting myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever considered ‘strength’ as in inner quality that I use for myself to push beyond my limitations, because I actually do not really recognize it as limitations but more as a stated ‘this is who I am’ or stated situation as ‘how it is’ and so, I do not consider moving beyond it; not considering that there is something to move into, in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question certain ‘who I am’ or ‘how it is’ as a limited creation / adaptation from within myself and so here not considering my own strength as well, cause if I do not see that and how I created it myself within acceptance and allowance, I also do not see / recognize my own strength or capacity to create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my own capacity to create, may it be in a limited way – the creation is still here but from a mind’s starting-point and so limited, however the mind on itself can not create but only with me within and so, the mind on itself can not be stronger than me, within and as myself, as I am the starting-point and starter of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand myself as the staring-point and so as the strength within and as me to move, direct, create, express and change where needed.

I commit myself to, when and as I experience a fear coming up, to breathe, embrace the fear-energy and forgive the fear as me and from here and while doing so, bring the word strength back to myself, as a quality within and as myself, within the starting-point of who I am and can be, to move myself beyond limitations as ideas and experiences that I have created / copied in and as the mind as an outflow of fear – to move myself into the unknown as me as Life itself and with the support of a living word that I look for in the moment – may it be strength itself, may it be another word that is present in and as me.



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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 815 – Understanding ‘borders’

Choosing my ‘borders’ can be colourful! 😉

I shortly have come to understand the word ‘borders’ (or bounderies) and what this means as self-support. Ofcourse to be expanded on. This word is often used, I have heard it many times before with regards to relationships in general. However I could not internalize it but only understand it as knowledge and information.

Recently I had a convo with Joe (which I truly recommend) and at some point, he mentioned the practical approach of placing borders as a clarity of what I accept and allow and what not (also in the very small/practical things). This did hit home as a practical tool to use and from here, I also started to see how within this, I am able to direct myself in interactions with others, without becoming, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed and what more, from what ‘another is doing’ and then not exactly knowing how to bring this in and so internally going into blame and resentment within my own mind, where I then eventually lock myself in and pull myself back.

What I see is that I completely loose myself in ‘not placing borders’ and from her, considering everything over and over again within my own mind. This in itself is not a bad thing, to consider all and everything, as it is a door to investigate new area’s in many ways and not get stuck within ‘what I already know’ and it enables to listen to another, however within this, I also easily loose sight on and suppress my natural self-border so to speak, as that from and as my beingness-integrity that is me.

It did become a whole personality of ‘being too nice’ and compromising myself within my physical body, without exactly seeing where and how I do this, how this happens, as the layering of blame had manifested around it and then I suppressed this as well because I did not like this part of myself and did not really understand how to take responsibility for this because actually this blame was in reaction of something outside myself that I did not know how to direct myself within.

So I firstly started to open up this blame dimension with the support of the Atlanteans serie on Blame (10 interviews) and from here, this point of borders did sink in and here I started to see this as the prevention for myself to go into blame, but also as a practical tool to be in a relationship (if and when this opportunity may open up in time to come). Because if and when I do stand and keep standing within myself, nice and warm within my own skin – as borders of what I accept and allow or simply in and as my self-will and self-integrity – I do not need to go into blame afterwards, cause I have already been clear within myself and enabling myself to express myself in a point. And vice versa; without already existing in a point of blame (build up through time when not investigated and forgiven), I do not need ‘to be nice’ to somehow ‘make up’ for my starting-point point of blame by ‘being nice’ and ‘wanted to be liked / to be good’, because I am already here, standing within and as myself, so no need to make myself feeling better or liked or ‘making up’ for something. So for example simply saying ‘no’ does then not ‘feel as a bad thing’ but more as an answer from within, that actually is then best for all as well, directly or eventually.

I do notice a difference within myself with regards to my self-will and placing borders in and as my self-expression, as if I now am more able to connect with myself as the starting-point. For sure there will be challenging situations to come with regards to self-will, borders, authenticity / genuineness and the construct of blame within , however it is like a turning-point within and as myself has happened to move forward from and the convo with Joe was a marker within this. I delayed this convo a few months, due to a lot of practical housing stuff that needed to be done last summer – so more focus and care on the outside, as how it suits with summer-time; however I see that I firstly needed to open up my inner darkness and the blame within, so that I could enter this convo in vulnerability and push myself to open up without fear, which lead to an enjoyable, warm and supportive two hours conversation. As the ‘self-harvest’ in autumn of what I have walked earlier this year – and all the years before ofcourse – investigate Desteni I Process.

Some self-forgiveness on what opens up after writing the blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘bind’ myself and / as my expression, to another in / as my mind, instead of placing clear bounderies within and as myself of who I am, who I want to be in what I accept and allow and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a different / default pathway, as if I take a ‘side-path’ and here connect myself and my expression to another, instead of walking forward in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘being liked’ above ‘what I stand for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a strong physical fear / nervousness as ‘pain’ within my body in the upper-corners of my intestines, as if I ‘am not allowed to cross these lines’ which I see as related ‘borders’ of limitation where I ‘better stay in’ without me knowing or being aware of what exactly these borders contain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I should not cross this pain’, and so staying and keeping myself in ‘fear of the pain’ as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I do not know, see or am aware of what is beyond these ‘borders’, I should not go there because ‘there is nothing’ as ‘nothing that I know or can relate to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some excitement of moving myself beyond that limitation / these borders into the ‘unknown’ as nothingness and at the same time fear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand borders as limitation as how I already had placed them within me to stop me from passing ‘what I already know’ and so, become kind of ‘borderless’ in that I do always see a possibility beyond a border or at least, understand where a limitation comes from and so kind of loosing myself within being borderless when at the same time, not being able to move myself beyond my own created borders in / as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into blame in and as myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that somewhere, somehow, I did not frame / border myself within myself and accepted and allowed myself to go into defaulted pathways in and as my mind and / or I did not express a border clearly towards my environment in and as my self-integrity and so, I commit myself to find where I missed my self-border as my self-integrity, to forgive myself for the consequences that I created from ignoring myself in my integrity and from here, finding my inner voice and practising to express myself clearly, towards myself and / or towards another.

I commit myself to define the experiences within and as the ‘pain-points’ in the upper-corner of my large intestine when and as they come up and to embrace and forgive myself in what I find and at least, when not yet able to define the experiences, just lay down, embrace myself and see what comes up within me and so layer for layer, piece by piece, bring myself back together, strengthening my self-trust as the foundation to move forward from.


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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 814 – Discovering self-will

I was looking at a point within me that I reacted within and at how to direct myself in it; or actually I was feeling quite desperate in how to direct myself in it. So I was in some kind of turmoil with back-chat coming up, me observing the inner movements for a moment.

At some point I asked myself the question: “Who do I want to be? (in it all)”.

This calmed me down and a clear answer came up within me of who I want to be within this specific point, as well inside myself as living it in my outside world. What I did see is that I never really asked myself the question in this way. It was mostly coming up as ‘what is best to do’ or ‘what should I do’ and I did see within this a ‘must’ or ‘should’ existing without considering my own self-will. Who do I want to be?

I was reading a blog afterwards from Carlton; he has these flowing blogs full of common sense, it reminds me of a very well speaking priest but then with words taken back to self – anyway, one sentence I laid my eye on: (…) if self-will is lost so is our will to live (because we’ve become so depressed about the way we feel) (…).

That did make sense to me and I see this as the missing within myself, my self-will being lost; actually if I am looking in my own writing here above, describing how this ‘who do I want to be’ first time coming up within me within awareness – actually never considering my self-will but considering so much other factors as the leading example of who I should be, what I must do, what is best etc. Here I did see my ‘will to live’ being lost – not giving into this and keeping on searching for ‘that more’, which eventually lead me to Desteni – however I did not yet before connect this to the lost of self-will.

Here to take into consideration that with self-will, I really mean SELF-will and not a mind-desire that I have channeled myself into as the leading factor. This immediately shows actually why and how it is that I lost my self-will, I lost myself within somewhere, somehow and channeled myself into many dimensions in/as my own mind consciousness system. It takes time to unravel all of it and discover my Self and Self-will.

With ‘I don’t want that’ I certainly do not mean the same as ‘I don’t feel like it’ – where the last is often used as an excuse to not do something that we experience resistance towards. As long as there are emotions and/or feelings involved and resistance is experienced, it is actually ‘the place where we must be’ and will ourselves towards the self-willed movement.

You will will yourself” is one of Bernards quote’s I remember clearly. As moving into and as what is best for all will not come ‘naturally’ and so I need to will myself first and foremost to this point of self-will. Where the self and the will comes together with all the ‘selves’ in a way, as the life existing within each and every living being. If I do what is best for mySelf as Life, I do what is best for All Life. It’s One and Equal. That’s how I see it. I knew this in theory from the beginning of walking Desteni I Process, however being able to see it within and as myself takes time. I keep repeating this with every self-integration of a living principle that I write about, as I find this a very important difference. I start with something, somewhere that makes sense to me (often gathering the knowledge and information) and then I investigate it until I can see, word and live it one and equal, within and without. or even vice versa like I sense something within me that I can not yet explain and then with gathering the knowledge and information I can integrate it as some effective self-support. With Many phases here within.

These are only a few examples of the layers that I find within the words will, want and self-will. It is actually the same as with the layering of self-forgiveness that I do see deepening in understanding through time. I started with (8 years ago) really unraveling the format ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to’ where I was looking at ‘who is forgiving who?’ and investigating this until I did become more familiair with it. However also this morning a deeper dimension opened up – after opening up the self-will – of the application of self-forgiveness. Every time a little bit closer to self and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my self-will in what I want and how can I consider another if I not even consider myself truly and deeply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to look at the dark dimensions within me and so not coming to a real deep self-forgiveness and so not coming to self and self-will in who I really want to be within it all, considering it all within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from new perspectives and real consideration in and as self-will, by suppressing the dark side of the the moon so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that without the dark side of the moon, there is no full moon possible either as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to consider what another want without considering what I want in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from ‘I should and I must’ instead of from ‘I will’ – here not to mean that I have something against the words ‘must and should’ as many thing do need to happen, if we want it or not, however I tend to use ‘I should and must’ as a replacement of ‘I will’ and so I never reach my self-will as long as I should and must from myself, where at the same time I become very exhausted from the force in should and must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very exhausted from what I must and should, without reaching my will in and as self, where in I do sense myself and my will, however I keep circling around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to circle around my self-will by avoiding the deep dark nasty things, not wanting to admit this to myself, thinking and believing that, feeling like ‘I do not have a right to exist anymore if I admit this to myself’ when actually it is the opposite and as long as I do not admit the dark within and as myself in it’s existence, this ‘I do not have a right to exist’ is what keeps moving me on deeper levels and so, I keep forcing myself in ‘I should and I must’ because I already ‘do not have a right to exist’ and so, I most ‘prove’ in a way that I am ‘exist-worth’.

I commit myself to consider, embrace, open up and self-forgive the dark side within and as myself, to while ongoing and eventually coming, to a point of self-attention, self-compassion and self-warmth, in who I am and where I am in my process and location-point in and towards self-responsibility, where from here, I will be much more willing and able to share this as myself with another and approaching another within and as the self as who they are and where they are in their process and location-point, considering me and them and us as a whole, in kindness and softness, yet firm and clear in what I accept and allow (Dutch) and what not, as who I want to be and become in every moment of breath.

Here my own self-commitment affects me, ‘using the words to work for me’ in what is possible – as another supportive suggestion from Bernard about how to write the self-commitments: let the words work for you.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 812 – Planten en levende woorden

Goudsbloem – Calendula Officinalis

Ik zit in de tuin bij de Goudsbloem. Ik ben er al steeds naar aan het kijken, aangezien deze zo groot, stevig en dik is geworden. Ik heb bloemzaden gestrooid uit zo’n mix-zakje waarvan maar een heel klein deel uit is gekomen, aangezien het zo ontzettend droog was en de tuin een harde zandachtige grond met gras heeft. Echter op een aantal plaatsen is de Goudsbloem opgekomen, precies de plant die ik nog graag in mijn tuin wilde.

Deze grote dikke Goudsbloem staat achterin de tuin naast de plek waar ik steeds het grasmaaisel neerleg. Het moet uiteindelijk een soort van composthoop worden, ik heb dit stukje tuin nog niet echt aangepakt, het is nog een beetje een wild stukje.

Hier naast de composthoop staat dus die grote Goudsbloem. Het doet me denken aan jaren geleden, twee huizen geleden toen ik bezig was met het maken van Bloesemremedies en ik een enorme Paardenbloem in de voortuin had staan. Deze had met name een bizar dikke steel (1-2 cm dik).

Hier staat nu zo’n stevige Goudsbloem met ook zo’n opmerkelijke steel. Iets minder dik, maar nog steeds opvallend stevig. Dus ik ging er bijzitten en bedacht me, hé, laat ik weer eens afstemmen op de plant zoals ik destijds vaak deed en zien wat er in me opkomt.

Steel Goudsbloem

Vrijwel direct kwamen er een aantal woorden in me op zoals care, zachtheid, heling en ‘wondheling en slijmvliezen’ en wat later zag ik standvastigheid, stevigheid, ‘unwavering’. Vooral de eerste drie herkende ik gelijk als ‘levende woorden’ en dat vond ik een bijzondere link. Ik heb nogal moeite om met een levend woord in mezelf te komen die ik praktisch kan gebruiken ter ondersteuning van mezelf, mijn zelfexpressie; echter ga ik naast een plant zitten en stem ik me af op de kwaliteit, dan komen de woorden. En dat is eigenlijk ook hoe ik met de bloesemremedies werkte: de kwaliteit van de bloem/plant, in water overbrengen en dit water weer in mij en zo integreren. Ik heb toen vaak over woorden lopen nadenken die dan op een remedie geschreven konden worden of iets, maar het viel niet echt op z’n plek.

Nu na jaren van gericht schrijven, zelfvergeving en zelfcorrectie (zie Desteni I Process voor de tools en alle blogs hier geven het proces van schrijven weer) en uiteindelijk gekomen bij het punt van levende woorden ter ondersteuning van mijn zelfexpressie en zelfcreatie (naast het proces van zelfvergeving), maken de woorden op zichzelf veel meer ‘zin’ (making sense). Zo kan ik beter met levende woorden werken en tevens heb ik er meer plezier in door het te combineren met mijn aandacht voor planten.

Vervolgens zit ik in een flinke zelfsabotage waarin ik het idee de volgende dag, direct weer minimaliseer en wat al niet meer. Dat kan ik tevens opvatten als een ‘teken’ in mezelf, van mijn geest, dat ik in de ‘goede richting zit’ en iets heb aangeraakt wat goed bij mijn zelfexpressie past. Iets heel kleins, ‘onschuldigs’, als lijkende soort van hobby, maar wie weet wat eruit voort kan komen. Het is in ieder geval een handvat voor mezelf in het proces van levende woorden dat ik kan onderzoeken en wat ik kan beschrijven in mijn blogs. Een delen van mezelf hierin.

Ik schrijf wat zelfvergevingen op het patroon dat naar voren komt binnen dit proces waar ik er dan vanuit ga dat dit deel uitmaakt van de zelfsabotage:

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb moeite te hebben met het loslaten van delen die niet het beste zijn voor mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet door te willen bewegen op een diep niveau en mezelf ziek te maken met diepgewortelde patronen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb verdriet te ervaren en me te schamen over patronen die ik geprojecteerd heb, waardoor ik zowel mezelf als een ander niet heb kunnen ondersteunen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me schuldig te voelen dat ik onvoldoende heb kunnen ondersteunen door diep van binnen anderen ‘de schuld’ te geven, ook al weet ik beter – ik begreep niet hoe dit patroon ‘tot explosie’ in mezelf vanwaar ik het in me bewaarde en toch uitleefde, al was het voornamelijk in en op mijn eigen lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het patroon van beschuldigen uit te leven op mijn eigen lichaam en mijn lichaam en mezelf hierin te schaden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het patroon toe te staan in een ander aangezien en doordat ik het toesta diep binnenin mezelf en zo niet effectief voor mezelf te zorgen als wat het beste is en dit dan zo te reflecteren als ‘voorbeeld’ naar een ander toe – ook al spreek ik andere woorden, zolang dit diep van binnen in mij bestaat, resoneert het onderliggende saboterende patroon mee en reflecteert het in relaties die relevant zijn hierin.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mijn woorden en wat zich diep binnenin mij afspeelt, niet werkelijk gelijk te hebben gesteld en zo conflict te creëren binnenin mijzelf – tussen wat ik ‘weet’ dat het beste is en het zelfsaboterende patroon als het ‘slechtste’ in mezelf en dit tevens weerspiegeld te zien buiten mezelf in relevante relaties.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toegestaan en aanvaard heb zachtheid, care, standvastigheid, unwavering te leven als expressie van wie ik wil zijn, van binnen en van buiten.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de momenten van explosie waar de schuld begint, te herkennen en mezelf te stoppen hierin en van hieraf, mezelf richting te geven met een levend woord en (indien nodig) met een zelfvergeving en verdieping in wat er opkomt en ik stel mezelf ten doel dit patroon van zelfsabotage zo te stoppen en het conflict in mezelf hiermee te beëindigen.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel me verder te verdiepen in het patroon van schuld en de schuld geven met behulp van een serie interviews in Eqafe (Atlanteans 180-184 welke hier begint)

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om, met behulp van (de expressie van) de Goudsbloem, mezelf te helen, mijn slijmvliezen te helen en te oefenen in het leven van de woorden (zelf)care, zachtheid, standvastigheid en unwavering en hierin te verdiepen binnen deze kwaliteiten en ik stel mezelf ten doel de kwaliteiten zoals kleur en voorkomen van de Goudsbloem nader te onderzoeken, herkennen, beschrijven / benoemen / herdefiniëren en integreren ter zelfondersteuning.

Knop Goudsbloem

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 811 – How is blame a form of self-manipulation?

Within a conversation and after a group-chat, I did become aware that I do not see how and that blame is a form of self-manipulation. I mean, I do understand forms of self-manipulation within and as myself and in theory, I understand that behind everything that we do that is not aligned with what is best, there is actually self-manipulation active, because if we would directly speak and live as what is best for all – so including ourselves – there is no manipulation of self and / as others existing or needed; we are then here, stable, in and as life.

But, to understand something in detail and within and as myself; this is a different story than seeing the truth as common sense in a theory or knowledge and information only. So, here I would like to have a deeper look at how blame, exist as self-manipulation as well. Because if I do not realize, see and understand this within and as myself, I will react in subtle ways to ‘blame’ and misunderstand it (and so I fear / judge it) as something that is ‘done towards another’ or ‘done towards me’ as a starting-point, when the starting-point in and as self-manipulation is bringing the blame back to self. Where I then can do something about it.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness and see what opens up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that blame directed towards me, is really connected to me, when actually it has nothing to do with me – other than what my reaction is towards the situation and projection in and as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when someone is blaming me for something, even when I cannot find myself anything doing ‘wrong’ but a small mistake that is behind it and within feeling guilty, I am making myself part of the dance of ‘being blamed’ and so ‘being hold responsible for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and / as others for small mistakes and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of moving myself into some form of (self-)support, I follow the blame and circle myself back into and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself responsible for what another is blaming me for and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for what I am blaming (hidden or not) another for and so I am still placing myself in a interconnected position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and so that I do not need to blame myself for anything related to this and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that I cannot be hold responsible for anything outside myself.

Here to mention that this is about perfection as trying to meet other’s standards, outside myself, which is not the same as walking in and towards self-perfection, where in I commit myself to be and become the best version of myself in and as self-honesty and current location-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be misunderstood and so, to be ‘unforgiven’ and so ‘blamed’ for, where in I then in and as this fear, I am keeping myself in this entanglement, finding myself ‘trying to explain myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it almost impossible to make a move that may be misunderstood and so, I do a. not move or b. stay low / keep quiet or c. move in silence / invisible or d. over-explain myself and then if and when not understood, I tend to Not make the move and instead, move into and as my mind and start doubting myself, waiting for approval from the outside as a ‘green light’ to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to ‘missing information’ and becoming fanatic and pushing within what I do see, when actually I only would like to receive and understand the missing piece so that I can be clear and stable in what I do see, as a part and as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame the blame and / or blamer’ in subtle ways and within this, keep cycling in the point of blame within and as myself in doing exactly that what I blame and so locking myself in.

Then, what also opened up, is a message and video of Gian, referring to 2020 as the point of No return, meaning, the equal money or global basic income should be opening up to be placed in as a point of no return, in whether we are going to make it or not as humanity on this earth.

(message Gian: “I made this video 8 years ago, and it stated the year 2020 for a reason. There was discussions about EMS being implimented by then and if not we will be too late as humanity on this earth to change anything in the realms of how much consequences we will face on this earth, I made the video under the instruction of Bernard. What was also clear was that it might not be Equal Money System as we promote it but through someone else in a little different way, like UBI and Andrew Yang and what he is promoting. We now have the Amazon Rainforests burning at alarming rates and a sign of humanity not changing course at all, 2020 was assessed back then as being the point of no return if we do not turn in a way that if forward for life on this planet by 2020.”)

Well, this seems like a whole other point, however for me it touched to ‘zero point’ within myself, in the sense that I see, realize and understand the state of the world and humanity without making it anymore beautiful and I would like to make peace with this view. Not to ‘give up’ but to embrace it all, inside and outside, as it shows the deepest saddest thing as how far away we are all from ourselves in and as life, inside and outside and an important aspect of this is the ‘blame-game’, where almost everyone is pointing fingers in some way, mostly because the mechanisms in and as the mind, are not understood for what it is and so as how it exists within myself: blame is not seen as a form of self-manipulation and so not seen as something that is harming / manipulating self first and foremost – same inside same outside.

I do feel a bit nervous when writing this down, as in ‘am I allowed to name it as this as how it is?’. Which shows a form of self-manipulation as well. To shut myself down. To ‘fear’ myself away actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself away for the truth deeply within and without and so hiding until the point of no return.

Somehow we do believe that there is ‘always a way’ and that there is no such thing as ‘no return’. Here I have lived this in my personal life, in and as a misconception of love, where I / we did past the point of no return and no matter how I keep searching within myself, I do not see a way to ‘return to’ with one another and if and when there is a way, it would be complete self-responsibility in and as oneself as ‘the only way’. And even here it would not mean ‘a return’ to how it was but actually a return back to self.

So here, the solution that I do have an influence on at small scale, so within my reach, is to keep pushing myself to the point of self-responsibility for all that exists within me and if every one is eventually doing this – one plus one plus one – we exist in and as self-responsibility as a whole, in and as life, with no one left behind. And, to make this possible for everyone, we do need such thing as an UBI as some form of an equal money system, to give every one an equal opportunity to walk out of the survival mode, into and as life, in and as self-responsibility.

It also makes sense to me to what Cerise did point out within a picture of my face, looking at my facial expression (as some kind of supportive group-action-point that week), where she mentioned something as ‘not yet ready to embrace humanity as a whole’ which I do see related to this misunderstanding of blame as self-manipulation, within and without, as in still ‘blaming humanity’ in a way. Which of course I did understand in and as common sense as that I project something from myself ‘on humanity’; as if I am not part of it and I did ‘feel it showing in my face’ as well, so I found it quite striking and very observant from her, however as I mentioned, it only makes sense when seeing, realizing and understanding it inside and as myself in a way that I can open it up, embrace, forgive and change.

So far for today and I will see how this topic opens up more in time to come, into and as self-understanding.

In Memory of the animals that died in the recent fires but no one cares 💔

roces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive