Here I would like to share how I have walked through the experience of that it is ‘too much’ to let’s say, get more insight on how I participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions and ‘how much work’ it is to deconstruct the limiting expressions within myself and then reconstruct it in a way that is considering and caring, as how I am in potential able to as a living being.
I do like the writing, as well of the lessons as of the blogs and at the same time, I do experience signs of resistance. So even if I ‘like it’ there is a resistance coming up that can show for example in becoming very tired suddenly, the moment that I am sitting in front of my computer with my lesson opened. Or ‘not knowing what to write about’ for a blog is also a common one; or what I do see coming up within me, are thoughts as ‘it is too simple, everybody knows this already, no one is interested in this’, things like that. I see that it is a part of a self-sabotage but I find this the most difficult one’s to walk through.
However, the writing, I also experience as ‘a lot’ and with every new lesson, I still see myself looking at ‘how long a lesson’ is or ‘how long a mind-construct will be’. (A mind-construct contains the ‘laying out in a structured way of writing’ of a certain pattern that we participate in and that is limiting for ourselves and so within the writing, we can see and learn to understand how we have build up a certain pattern and behaviour where in we take responsibility for it within the application of self-forgiveness and self-corrections).
At a certain moment I had to let this go as an ‘limiting experience’ with my first mind-construct. In the end, the mind-construct did become as long as 200-300 pages in a word-document and it took me three years to write it out and walk through in real time. During this process, I had to let go any hesitations with regards to the length of the writing and I just took it on, week by week writing a piece. I wrote a piece, needed to walk it through in real time and then could move on to the next piece. And so on. This all with the support of a buddy who is reading with me, so in a way, I am walking it by myself but I am not walking it ‘all alone’. Let’s say, there is a ‘witness’ which is an essential and very supportive part of this process.
I find it extremely supportive as within the deconstructing of the mind-patterns in such a structured way, I am able to see into layers that I do normally avoid. In general I am someone who is quite intro-spective through my days but however and of course, I will also avoid looking at certain behavioural patterns within myself. So that is also making clear why the resistance is coming up as such a strong ‘tiredness’ for example when I start writing on a timeline in a mind-construct, where this is pointing out that I am on the ‘right spot’ to open up a limiting pattern.
I did finish the mind-construct and I was so happy with it. This has learned me to not look at the amount of writing that needs to be done or may need to be done and create experiences related to it but instead, to just start writing. We do not know when and if we ‘finish’ it, as when are we finished? The more we go into the depth of ourselves, the more will open up in deeper layers to explore, for ourselves but also to learn to stand as a point of support for others. With the blog-writing it is the same, as we have this ‘7 years’ writing standing as a guide-line; this means 2555 days of writing / blogs. I am now at day 751 and am only writing one blog per week, due to others activities during the week. So, looking forward at ‘when I would be finished’, is not so supportive for myself. Because, I may or may not finish the amount of 2555 blogs in this physical life-time.
However, I did finish a 29 long blog-serie, related to 29 sound cloud records. And this I find supportive and stimulating to move on as well, as when I take it on one by one, I do finish small projects and during the way, I every time and within every blog, notice the self-support in it.
I had a teacher at the art-academy 25 years ago and when I came up with an idea, he several times said to me ‘okay, just start with it’ and here I learned to start what I have as idea to create and then along the way, it becomes visible what it will be. With the writing I see the same. Some projects get stuck and fade away, some projects I will finish but overall, I do keep on writing and walking this process from consciousness to awareness and then learning how to support myself with living words and bring myself back to life so to speak. This will happen ‘along the way’ so while doing and not only ‘at the finish’.
In many situations, I see that my mind is working with terms as ‘finish’ and within this, I am mostly projecting an experience of fear, as a ‘finishing of the energetic existance and experience’ that I have participated in for so long. It is simply all that I have known so far. But this does not mean that I as a living being, will ‘finish to exist’ when and as the energy runs out. However, this can only become visible…….. when and as the energy runs out. So it is a nice catch in itself. No proof on forehand but only a self-proof while walking and applying.
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: