Dag 753 – Opening up the word ‘challenge’

I have noticed within myself that I ‘do not like’ challenges; well, challenges that I see as challenges, for example in social context. The word challenge in itself I also do not like, I would prefer to skipp it from my vocabulaire lol which then indicates that I would like to skipp the challenges from ‘living them’. However this I find not to be best for myself (and others as well) because within challenges, I will be able to expand and, it is more that only in certain situations I would like to avoid the challenge where in other situations, I do not even notice something as a ‘challenge’. So, let’s see if I can ‘skipp’ or ‘delete’ some of the energetic charges that I have attached to this word and to the living of it and how I experience myself within a social challenge for example, instead of ‘skipping’ or ‘deleting’ the word itself. Then from here, I can see how to support myself within and as this word in a way that I am better able to embrace and live it without fear and resistance attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost feel like wanting to cry when and as confronted with a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable within a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance immediately when and as something is mentioned as a challenge, where in many cases I do what is needed no matter what and so, I do take on the challenges to push myself through the resistance and fear.

challenge

uitdaging

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative association/picture coming up with the word ‘uitdaging’ as the Dutch word for ‘challenge’, where in I see it as if I am challenged through other kids to do something that I actually don’t want to do / ik word uitgedaagd door andere kinderen om iets te doen wat ik eigenlijk niet wil (Dutch); something on a school yard and then within a situation with a negative approach of each other, tending to ‘bothering’ and judging each other, instead of supporting each other to do something better or different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘judgement’ to the word ‘challenge’ and so, expecting that within a challenge, I will always be confronted with judgements and so, I do not like to be challenged as I do not like to be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘conflict’ to the word ‘challenge’ and so I do not like to take on a challenge as I do not like conflict to emerge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already approach the word ‘challenge’ within conflict and judgements within and as myself and so, also the challenge in itself I will then approach within conflict and judgements attached, which then will give an outcome of conflict and judgement because this is my starting-point determining the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like ‘to be challenged’ but rather prefer to make my own challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word challenge or ‘to be challenged’ with something that I ‘have to do’, that I ‘must’ do, otherwise I would ‘loose’ and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word challenge within a polarity of winning or loosing.

What I do like in the Dutch word is the word ‘dagen’ which means ‘days’, but which also means that something starts to clear up / iets begint te dagen (Dutch).

So, here I can then see it more as coming ‘out’ (‘uit’ in Dutch) a specific programming in/as the mind where the physical reality starts to ‘clear up’ and so, more clarity, more of myself as my beingness can come forward and being lived.

I leave it up to here for now and will open it up more within myself in days to come.

To be continued


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Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

its_a_process

Continuing on: Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid an experience of loosing in small events and conversations and here suppress myself in this experience and at the same time, because of avoiding to experience ‘to loose’, automatically try to win and ‘feel better’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to irritate myself when and as I notice another in conversation with me ‘trying to win’ without looking in my own experiences and what I am actually doing here myself which colours my observation around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot reach a dimension of this winning and loosing and the pain that I caused myself within participation in this polarity within myself and here more being on the surface of it within an uncomfortable experience of seduced emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to not experience the pain that I cause to myself from participating in the polarity of winning and loosing.

Can I name the experience here?

Being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my being by suppressing how I really experinec myself and instead of supporting myself and name the experience, forgive myself for the participation and believe in it and see what makes me feel like this, suppressing this within myself and my physical body and so, creating physical consequenses for myself from where I recreate the experiences and so the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when I notice another in conversation with me is not really listening but in my eyes trying to ‘win’ my attention for their own words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a battle for attention for words that are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of ‘always listening’ to the words of another who from my perspective, do not give any attention to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another does intentional not listen to my words, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that another might not even be aware of the inequality within the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because my experiences of not being listened to and not being noticed are so obvious for myself, that another is also noticing this but delibrately ignoring it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the other does not see what is going on inside myself and because I am suppressing it, it is not visible eather for the physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should get space from another to express myself as how I give another space to express themselves by listening and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to receive what I give, which is not unconditionally giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like with this giving, ‘emptying’ myself and labeling this as a ‘bad’ thing from where I now realize that what I experience as emptying myself, might not be ‘bad’ in itself but my interpretation of it might be misformed and so I misinforme myself with information from what I experience, so from my emotions that I believe and take for real as ‘this is who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinform myself by believing my own experiences/emotions as this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this ‘emptying myself’ is also an experience and so contained of negative emotional energie, based on misinformation as thoughts and believes as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own being while at the same time I am aware of myself.

I see now in the word ‘being’ that this is who I am, ‘be’ and as I define myself as ‘being something’ this is how I label my own ‘being’ as who I am and funny enough even the beginning of my own name is in it as ‘be ing(rid) which in itself also includes ‘be in grid’ as in the grid-lines and so within this letters I see a movement from ‘being in the gridlines’ to my ‘being’ does not mean to ‘delete completely who I am’ but more embracing and changing who I am’ by moving myself to and as my being.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘being ignored’ and from here, of loosing while i am in a conversation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in my mind in polarity, trying to make myself more (important) than the other to ‘become equal’ to each other, instead coming to a point of equality first within and as myself by stopping the participation within the experiences of winning and loosing as a way of control.

I realize that I try to control by trying to win (attention) and I realize that I feel like loosing (control) if I am not ‘being attended’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within conversation, expect to be first be attended by another to be heared, instead of attend myself and from here, express myself.

I realize that this is used as some kind of suppression to children that they are not allowed to speak when the adults does not give the persmission to do so, which I may even have copied as a pattern from a parent to whom this is used and which is in a form of suppression moved into the children as I did not see this pattern consciously affirmed and lived by my parents but sub- and maybe unconsiously, it was playing a role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy, believe and follow suppressed/hidden patterns without investigating for and within myself what the consequenses are of doing so.

I commit myself to allow myself to loose (control) within a conversation and to breathe and listen and also listening to myself within the reactions/experiences that are coming up.

I realize that because I am participating in experiences, I am waiting for myself to express myself as while I am in experiences, I am not able to express myself effectively and so, I commit myself to express myself to myself within and as the application of some self-forgiveness for the experiences that I separate myself within from where I create distance within and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for constant attention myself to create a better feeling about myself which I do not show but hide within myself, as a way of controling the situation and being able to ‘play it out’ in a form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within conversation where I experience an unability to express myself and project this towards the conversationpartner within hidden blame, which in itself makes it more difficult to express myself and where I even do not want to express myself anymore out of blame which is actually a form of revenche, where in I am actually secretely creating an experience of ‘winning’ within myself that I do not openly show and here, I keep control within and as my mind as being ‘the best’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be the best, instead of being and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be the best to make sense and that it doesn’t matter if I am not here as the best, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it is about being/becoming the best version of myself and not so much in comparisson to others as it is not possible to be better or less than others because I am not them and they are not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with myself and blame myself when and as I am not living the best version of and as myself, instead of seeing where I can support myself and move and guide myself within the best I can in any given situation/moment that I am capable of at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be better than I am/am capable of from expectations in my own mind to get attention from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get more attention if I do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all kind of expectations towards myself and from here, towards another and judge/blame myself (and/or another) if I and/or another do not live up to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear for my own projected reactions within myself from creating judgements as thoughts as expectations to live up to and from here, creating unnecessary conflict, within and without and then also, when there is a ‘conflict’ necessary to bring change, experience fear as judgement of conflict in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself created from my own fear (as thoughts as judgements).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up disappointment within myself that I experience as a ‘hate’ towards myself as accumulated points that I did not take responsibility for which I experience as a sickness in the midst of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself, to not stand within an appointment of equality and oneness within and as myself but allowed myself to go into a battle that I do not even like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like battles and games but do participate in it every day despite myself and/as my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my integrity in/as myself by participating in battles and competition in/as the mind, looking for attention as energy.

I realize that I am not able to express myself in certain situations because I participate in judgements as thoughts (=fear) and so in conflict as separation within myself.

I commit myself to be and become aware of the conflict that I participate in within myself within the small conversations with people that I do not generally feel comfortable with to express myself and here give the attention to myself that I need as support and guidance to eventually come to self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my own attention is not enough and that need attention from others outside myself.

When and as I see myself looking for attention to fill myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in my mind, looking for something (or someone) to complete me with thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of that I bring myself to a point of nothingness and forgive myself specificely for participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I realize that I have learned to constantly generate energy to ‘fill’ myself with from the participation in thoughts and from here, in feelings and emotions to keep myself alive in/as the mind as how I know myself.

I commit myself to breathe in the experience of loosing (a part of) myself that comes up when I stop myself participating in this ‘looking for attention’ to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and here, to let go.

To be continued.

I realize that it may look like random self-forgiveness on points that come up that I have manifested as a structure within and as myself and/as my physical body. Here I walk around a point, looking for a ‘way in’ and taking bits and bites from the surface layers here and there to in this way slowly break down the patterns and step by step coming more to the core of it.

Here I do not ‘wait’ until I see ‘the whole thing’ but start with what is coming up and from here, walk with it. This  is what may make the self-forgiveness seem a bit (or a lot) incoherent. What I also notice is that during and after the writing, the patterns open up more while doing the daily activities where I apply self-forgiveness in speaking.

I often come during the writing and speaking (and doing the daily activities here and there in the house in between), to a moment where I ‘suddenly hit’ the point that was bothering me the most at that time, where it releases physically in letting out the emotion via some tears which results at the same time in a diminishment of the physical strain that is prominent in that moment/during that day. Which is a (physical) proof for myself that I brought myself to the release of a small peace of the structure and so, applied myself in self-honesty in relation to (a piece of) this point and structure.

wheredoyoustart

Video 2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness?

WAAR BEGIN IK met Zelfvergeving? (vertaling)

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Uil forgive

Dag 358 – Impressed by the interpretation of the impression of others

https://i1.wp.com/www.tekstblog.nl/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/stempel.gif

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself impress by the impression of others as what they speak in words about me within and as a statement and/or retoric question towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impress myself by my own impressions as reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as the mind of what others may think or feel about or through me which I interpret on my turn in their words and tonality within and as a statement and/or question towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by my belief in the value of judgements of others, and to protect me to not feel hurt anymore, I produce judgements as value to feel better, as a way to control, as a way to be ‘first’ to protect me from this experience of hurt inside myself, to rather place value and/as judgement as a way of control than to feel lost in this experience of hurt again, in and as a belief in the value of judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physical paralized in and as fear of the self-interest of others and/as myself, and in this, start judging everything I fear, as a way to protect myself to not experience this fear for and as the pain that my believe in the value of judgements gives, not seeing, realising and understanding that in this way, I keep on judging myself as others and so I fear myself existing in/as self-interest.

To see beyond the balance of judgement, beyond the balance of the polarity that is existing within the belief in the value of judgement as more or less than me. The Design of Polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself less than my believe in the value of judgement, and so within this, always have and create an experience of ‘loosing’, which is actually an experience of loosing myself in a believe in the value of judgement, in and as the mind, and within this create an experience of hurt, in which I generate energy inside myself and so, I can feel better again within and as myself existing in and as the mind, in and as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the value of judgements in and as a way to control life, not seeing, realising and understanding that within this, I suppress myself as life, I ‘hurt’ myself as life by impressing my interpretation of the impression of others onto myself as life and inprinting this in my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others as/and me to exist and express in and as judgement, coming forward out of fear to loose myself in the hurt that is caused by the belief in the value of judgements, not seeing, realising and understanding that by allowing judgement, I allow fear of loosing myself equally within this, and so with making more and more judgements, I make more and more  fear, which is accumulating over time until I exist in and as fear in and as control in and as this physical existence as it exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the tendency to crawl into bed under the blankets and not come out again until this experience of fear has fade away, in which I believe the fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear I experience is real, which I use as an excuse to not stand up and correct in every moment what I see that needs correction in and as a judgement in and as myself which has caused the fear to exist.

*

When and as I see myself pulling back as suppressing myself because of being impressed by words or an retoric question from another towards me, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that the words every one speak, are an expression of every ones selves, which are impressed on something seen in me as the other and so spoken as if it has something to do with me, but it has not, it is their interpretation of what they see in and as me.

I realize that as long as we are directed by the mind, and speak words in/as a judgement in/as the mind, we speak about ourselves and our words are related to something in/as a judgement in ourselves, in which the word ‘judgement’ means something we give more or less value to and so we are not standing equal to and one as this ‘something’, which we recognize in another person as a reflection of our own personality, and so we tend to impress this something on others as an interpretation.

I realize that if I react to words, spoken as and in the mind, I relate these words to something in/as a judgement, meaning I give more or less value to it, and so I need to investigate all relations with the word I react to and/or with the person as I see as a personality who speaks the words and/or the tonality that all together triggers a personality in me, and so I need to do self-investigations on all these aspects related to this specific moment.

When and as I see myself reacting in thoughts, feelings and/or emotions on the words and/or tonality in a statement and/or a retoric question from another person, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I react in and as an interpretation as a judgement in and as the mind, which I use to control my own reactions inside myself, in which I impress/supress myself in and as self-expression.

I realize that by protecting myself in and as a an interpretation as a judgement, I hurt myself and others in and as a way to control, ‘to be first’, and so within this I do exactly the same that I am protecting myself for in the first place, which is the doom of self-interest, attacking myself and/as others in and as a way of ‘protection’ in and as the mind, in and as control, giving value to judgements as interpretations and opinions existing in and as the mind.

I commit myself, when and as I feel myself reacting as pulling back, to stop and breath. I let the words flow through me, and see what reaction comes up in me, as this is that ‘something’ that I can and need to work with. For the moment, I stop and breathe. If I am clear, I speak up, if I am not clear, I stay in silence and support myself to become clear and stable in this situation. Eventual, I stand up and walk away, breathing, applying some self-forgiveness on what I see coming up. I flag-point this moment and if and when necessary I write it out later to see myself in this, to set myself free from the limitations in and as reactions on the words and/or tonality of another person by applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and in the next time in inter-action in a similar situation with another person, I see if I have been effective in my application and be stable, or that I need to do some more investigation inside myself to become stable and clear, in and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate why I supress myself in and as reaction instead of standing here and see what it is that I fear to become hurt by, what it is that I belief and within this, what it is that I give value to in and as a judgement, in and as the mind. I embrace myself in this, I let what it is that hurts me, flow through me while I am breathing, so that I can see directly into myself in this, and really forgive myself untill no reaction is coming up, so that and in which I enable myself to correct myself in physical reality.

When and as I see myself existing in fear, wanting to crawl in bed under the blankets to not come out until the fear fade away, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I experience accumulated fear which becomes overwhelming when it is triggered, in which I believe I have to correct ‘everything’ in one moment, which is a projection in and as the mind to enlarge en enhold it’s existence in and as fear.

I realize that real self-correction correction takes place breath by breath, and standing up in this goes easy, quiet, in a move, and only the mind on forehand is giving a lot of noise to create and stay in fear.

I realize that I can embrace myself and lay down, breathing, holding myself, but, that I cannot crawl under the blankets and stay in the bed, as the fear is not fading away by itself, it will only be suppressed in and as the sleep comes up, and so it will come back, even more accumulated.

I commit myself to embrace myself, hold myself, move myself, forgive myself if and when existing in fear and/or hurt. I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness on specific thoughts/feelings/emotions, triggerpoints that I see and come up, I see what is supportive as self-correction, I feel in my body where the fear is manifested and realize that this is related to old experiences as judgements that I gave value to in and as a believe in and as the mind, which I suppressed and so stored in my physical body. So, it takes time to walk this through, to write it out, to forgive myself, to correct myself, breath by breathe, as a support for and as myself, with and as this fear, not resisting it, as resistance will only enlarge the experience.

And first of all, I commit myself to STOP and BREATHE, to eventual speak some words in common sense to myself and within this move myself OUT of this fear existing in/as the mind. I allow myself to move out of this state of mind.

rode goedgekeurd stempel

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Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
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Dag 296 – Expressie en de Darm – How do I contribute to the most horrific events in the world

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on Living Alone

Dag 295 – Expressie en de Darm – Money, Survival and Limitation

Picture of a mask

Mannelijk bekken

Picture of a (male) pelvis

I was watching the documentary of a Dutch woman Toos who is used and abused extensively for sexual rituals where in high members of royalty and church are named as involved.

It is a horrific story, and at the same time she is telling nothing new. What happened to her is what I always experience somewhere on the background as the greatest nightmare that could ever happen to me and every human being and so within this a great fear. So she named all the events one by one, that all are build up from physical torturing and sexual abuse from top till toe, where no respect is left. It is a complete abuse of the physical and of the being.

Now how can I be scared for this and how can I recognize everything she is telling? I have not been in situations like this, I have not seen movies about it, actually I didnot even now from direct stories that this is existing. And still, this fear and this experience of total abuse from top till toe is part of me as long as I remember.

Let’s say that from an age of around 6, maybe earlier but not younger than 4, I experience myself somewhere like this. And since watching the documentary I am wondering, isn’t this all triggered because of starting masturbating. Isn’t this the unconsiousness system that is starting loading all this information while masturbating?

I am consious that I have seperated myself from the unconsiousness awareness. As this is something that I donot want to involve with, that I donot want to belong to. Not realising how I probably have activated this all by myself, within an experience of an orgasm that I liked, and that I repeated in my life. Not extensively, but enough to get involved.

I always have accounted this experience to something ouside myself, as there was something outside myself that had abused me (even though I didnot find anything for real, as there have been taken place some abusive events but not so extensively and not really physical; most took place within words or within the lack of words – which is also physical). So I could not find something that is so extensively. However, I didnot consider how I involved myself within this experience, and within this, abuse myself as a being from top till toe, in starting participating in and energetic sexual experience in/as the mind.

I donot say that events in childhood do not have influence on this experience, I only say that I didnot consider my own participation within the unified consiousness field in/as unconsiousness by starting masturbating and uploading energy and information from the unconsiousness of humanity as a whole, and so distributing to this unified field by generating energy within masturbating. And so creating and accumulating thus enlarging my own experience of fear, which is actually my own mind system in/as fear as the mind exist in/as fear. Not knowing how I, witin this, contribute to the situation of this woman Toos, which has lived for 8 years in the most horrific shadow side of the unified consiousness system of humanity, where this total abuse and torturing that we cannot even imagine – and at the same time all do imagine – is physically taking place.

This whole unified consiousness system is interconnected very specific and complicated and this is only one insight form myself, where in I start taking self responsibility for my contribution to the dark side of humanity that physical takes place, although it is ignored and denied by most humans in daily life.

It is also connected to the elite in this world – people in control with money – which has a direct connection to the control that take place and that we as humanity as a whole allow and accept to exist. This control is direct visible in the inequality in this world as the unequal distribution of money and within this the unequal distribution of life-circumstances as food, water, house and education. Which we all take for granted, as this is how it is, without ever really investigating how this horrible events and situations could ever have manifested in this world. Because if we start really investigating the source of the abusive world where we live in, we come to the final point which is the source as the startingpoint of this horror story that we live in, which is:

Ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the most horrific events of sexual abuse and physical torturing and humiliation that we can imagine – and we all know how bad our stories in our imaginantion are – by participating in an activity of energetic masturbation, in which I only experienced a feeling that I liked, and so which I wanted to repeat, without knowing and being aware of the energetic contribution that took place within this to upload the unified consiousness field and within this to the systems of control within this field; without noticing that I was oploading my own consiousness field within this activity of masturbation, loading information that we cannot even imagine but that we do imagine every day,  and accumulating and enlarging my own experience and existence in/as fear in/as the mind as consiousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a source outside myself was the cause of my experience of extreme fear for this ‘dark energy’ – like I am hunted by something – without seeing, realising and understanding that the source and cause is manifested within myself and accumulated and enlarged by an activity of energetic masturbation that I found out by coincidence and that I experienced as a nice feeling that I wanted to repeat, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat and upload this energetic system within and without myself in/as the mind as the unified consiousness field existing in this world in/as humanity as a whole, where this hunting by the dark side of humanity take place in physical reality within secret parties where they play a game of hunting naked children in the dark as a form of play of sexual abuse and physical torturing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loaded with this heavyness of/and fear all the time, my whole life at the background, without being able to relate this experience to the physical reality that I live in as this is a pretty stable physical reality from birth till now, and so I am confused by my own experiences of heavyness and fear and searching for causes outside myself and blaming every tiny little thing outside myself which I can find that maybe contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within blaming, I myself contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear within myself and keep myself locked within this experience in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for sexuality as long as I remember, as within sexuality, this experience of this ‘dark energy’ in/as fear, can be triggered and come over me suddenly, where in I devellopped a way to be able to have and really like sexual avtivity, which is when I am excited and so actually participating within this energy, and so experiencing the ‘light’ of this energy as the polarity of the dark side, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within this participating in/as excitement in/as a positive ‘light’ experience of this sexual energy, I automaticly enlarge and reload the ‘dark side’ of this energy and so I enlarge and reload the energy systems in/as the unified consiousness field in/as the mind in/as humanity as a whole, and so I contribute to the state of the horrific situations that many children are secretely involved in within sexual abuse and physical torturing, and at the same time, I enlarge and reload my own experience of fear within sexuality, which again I tend to suppress within a feeling of excitement, which I am aware of and that I no longer can and will allow that myself, and so I experience myself a kind of stuck within and as fear for sexuality and within this, fear for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from humanity as a whole by ignoring, denying, neglecting and suppressing the unconsiousness system within myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself in/as consiousness, hiding in positivity, in which I allow and accept myself to be unable to change myself in/as self-responsibility for myself as a whole.

When and as I see and experience some dark energy as fear within and as me, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here in the physical through breathing and touching some physical attributes.

I realize that I experience something within myself that is part of me as consiousness system in/as fear that is triggered somewhere within myself which probably is related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to investigate what triggers me to this experience of dark energy in/as fear as the dark side of humanity, related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to stop participating in energetic sexual experiences – which I already stopped for longer time, but from which I still didnot see the real harm that it can cause, and so, I was not completely motivated to stop it in totality, which gives situations of where I could sometimes see participating in this energy ‘through the fingers’, which is actually keeping a backdoor on a narrow opening to eventual be able to participate in positive sexual energetic experiences.

I commit myself to investigate the dutch and family origin, existing within and as myself,  related to this experience of dark energy, in which rigid religic patterns play a large role, to see how this is related to (suppressed) sexual energy and to suppressing physicallity in/as sexuality as a whole.

I commit myself to investigate how the experience of complete abuse from top till toe is created and manifested within myself, which is the relation to the topic of all this blogs that I write with the frontname ‘Expressie en de Darm/Expression and the Intestine’, as this experience of complete abuse from top till toe, I experience physically within the anus and within the muscles of the large intenstine as cramping and irritation, where in I lost my ‘innocence of being’ through the decision of participating in and as energy in/as the mind as consiousness system in a moment that I donot remember by consiousness, but that is of influence on me and humanity as whole, every moment, every day, and only by taking complete self-responsibility for myself within this, I will be able to eventual stand up in/as a human being in/as innocense as life – where in I write eventual as I am not sure if I will be able to recreate a complete healthy functioning physical body as time is limited, but where in I commit myself to walk process till this is done as this is what is best for humanity, for them who are coming and for Life on Earth as a whole, and so within this for myself as a human being.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)

Investigate:

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series

Full_shocking-secrets-of-masturbation-introduction

What is Sex – OverView

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Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/

Dag 295 – Expressie en de Darm – Money, Survival and Limitation

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on Living Alone

Full_the-infinity-secret-consciousness-as-the-light-and-the-dark

The Soul of Money – Part 1

So let’s move on with the point of hesitation that comes up when I have to choose what to buy (see day 292).

What was it about, in the shopping mall.

It was about a plaid that I want to pull over the couch in the living room, and about the color that was not the exact colour that I was looking for, and because it was not the exact colour that I was looking for, I found the amount of money that it costs, too much. Here I lable it as too much when it is not what I am really looking for. When it was exactly what I was looking for, I would not hesitate but immediately buy it. Which shows the luxury that I live in, that I can buy a plaid if I really like it (I am talking about 14,95 euro, and in this area of amount I have luxury to choose at the moment, which is really luxury if we compare it to the large amount of population in the world who do not even have 1 proper meal a day).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in choises about a plaid and a colour of a plaid, in which I bring myself into the mind and where this choise becomes really important, as I donot want to make the ‘wrong’ choise, as I donot have the money to buy again a plaid if I choose ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quilty about the luxury that I am worrying about the colour of a plaid for the couch and where I really want to make the perfect choice for a plaid looking as perfect as possible in the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in these free choises in so many plaids and colours, and when there is not the right colour, I hesitate to buy it, where in I realize that if I would have only seen 1 plaid and 1 colour within my life with a quality that stays for a long time, I would have been fine and satisfied with buying this one plaid as it is functional for using.

So most of time I do buy things of a quality that I can use for a long time, and I buy often things second hand. I also allow myself to buy a nice colour as I like to make the house looking colourful as an expression that I enjoy to live in, which I buy within a small budget.

The point that I am bringing up here, is the point of having so much free choises where we got lost in, as there is a whole shopping mall with furnish, and there is not 1 shopping mall, there are a lot of shopping malls.

When, as I said, a large amount of the population doesnot have money to buy food to live from.

So what is the consequense of the amount of free choises that we have here living in luxury? Is it what is best for all to be able to choose out of so many furnish, one more expensive that the other, and one person having more money available than the other?

And within this, getting lost within all these free choises, and still not being satisfied when making ‘the wrong choice’. What is happening within this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in free choises in which I am used to grow up, where if I want something, I really want that specific thing and I manage to get it after searching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to get what I want, which means, that I am used to have some money to spend to get what I want, within a limitation that I made for myself as being reachable, which again, is related to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept a no in the mind – within a limitation that I made for myself as being reachable, which is actually a limitation in/as the mind as a no in general – in which I can say that I am spoiled by free choises in/as the mind, where in I lost myself in free choises which are related to money, and when these free choises cannot be fulfilled, I experience disappointment and lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment and lost when I cannot fulfil my free choises in/as the mind and to stay being busy with this emotions and feelings that I create within chasing after free choises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first want to fulfil my free choises to get myself in a safe area in/as fulfilment, and second want to standup for equality , instead of seeing that when living in equality as what is best for All, this includes me, as I belong to All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience fear for poverty and for that I want to bring myself in a safe area in survival, which is what we are all doing, first taking care of our own survival without noticing what condition we all as humanity and nature live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money anymore to buy some small things that I like and to do some small things that I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what I like on having money to do and to buy things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate a system of judgement as liking and not liking within myself on the amount of money that I have without as outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to live without money and so, actually to not know how to live at all/to not know what Life is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the amount of money I have, and as I grew up average in this, I limit myself to being average, not even considering the possibilities beyond this limitation, but being busy with survival as getting the best choice within this limitation and within this, trying to feel the best as I can in/as energy in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy within this limitation in/as the mind in/as survival, where I am so busy with survival and getting out the best of it, that I forget to see beyong the limitations of the mind inside msyelf and the limitations of money outside myself, in which I keep myself enslaved forever within this balancing in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living is about getting the best choise within the balance in/as the mind, not seeing that within this balance, my best is always at the cost of somebody else, instead of standing up, stopping limitations as balancing out opportunities in/as the mind, forgiving myself this balancing as a movement between polarities, to become one and equal with myself as life as what is best for all, as only when I stop polarity as inequality within myself , I can stand up as myself in oneness and equality as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into the mind, looking for the perfect choice, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I go into fear for missing a chance of fulfilling myself, where in I fear the experience of lost of not being able to fulfil myself in/as the mind.

I realize that I am busy with this fulfilment to create energy as survival within the limitation of myself in/as the mind, to at least get the best out of it within the limitation of inequality.

I stop, I breathe, I bring myself here. I see with common sense if I need to buy it and if I am not sure, I see in physical reality what I need and what is the best practical choice in this, and eventual go back to buy what suits best.

I commit myself to investigate the moment that I go into survival and see what I specificaly fear behind the fulfilment, so that I can write out and forgive myself the urge for fulfilment and the fear that exist within, behind and related to this.

When and as I see myself going into fear for poverty and an experience of lost within this, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I go into fear in/as the mind within a framework of survival, to keep myself enslaved within this frameword in/as the mind and to justify this state of mind within an experience of fear.

I do no longer allow myself to use fear as a justification to keep myself enslaved within the framework in/as the mind in/as survival.

I commit myself to take care of myself by taking taking care of the job I work in and by taking care of the daily physical reality that I live in, and at the same time, equally, work and stand up for a life what is best for all life, which starts with equal money for everybody, and within myself , which starts with investigating the inequality within myself in every area, as I realize that as long as I am unequal to and as myself as life – and not even know what life is – and so who I am – without money – I am bringing forward inequality into the world.

So I commit myself to write out and forgive myself the unequal relationships as limitations that exist within myself in/as the mind, one by one, breath by breath, as the points that are coming up each day within myself which require direction, in which I use the experience of fear as a flagpoint of justification that I need to investigate.

I commit myself to give this process my all in this life, within the physical comfortability of daily practical living, as I realize I have only this one life, until a point of nothingness is reached – unlimited in/as life –  as a starting point to bring about life in/as equality as what is best for all.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)

DAY 1: Who I Am as Money

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Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/