Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I have been listening to the Sexual & Gender Identities Series on Eqafe. I choose this serie out of interest in the deeper dimensions behind it. Not because I have questions or doubt about my own gender or sexual identity; I am and have been clear of being attracted to male’s for intimate / sexual relationships and whenever I check this within myself, this stays the same. I did in my late teenage years have two sort of interactions with kissing a girl; one with a friend and one on a home-party where ‘everyone was kissing everyone’ more or less. With the friend, I did it more because she initiated this and I was ‘observing’ how it was different from kissing with a boy; for the rest nothing moved within me in a form of attraction or excitement. Then I remember one time seeing a girl / woman in a sport-club who was a more’masculine’ and her I found ‘attractive’ and I was a bit surprised about this. And this was basicly it. Sometimes it would seem easier to me lol, to have a relationship with a female as I find the communication with females many times easier / more comfortable. Here noticing that I would totally miss my challenge and potential if I would follow up on this from a starting-point of avoiding the challenge to align with a male and so not being self-honest / genuine in this point.

However I find it supportive to understand some more on how sexual identities exist and develop in different forms and with different dimensions behind it, to understand more about every one who is having a ‘different sexual / gender’ identity than the ‘normal’ male-female form.

While listening to the serie, I find many supportive information in it on relationships and sexuality in general and especially a serie of five, done by one being through the portal, is giving me clear definitions about forming a ‘healthy relationship’ in general; may it be with males or females. And this is something that I am struggling with in my life as here it seems my toughest programming is existing. So first and foremost, this serie is very supportive for everyone to listen and not only for those who are having questions about their sexual or gender identity.

The interviews are done by a being who describes herself as bi-sexual, how she was very genuine in this with regards to her sexual and gender identity and how she was lucky to develop an extra-ordinary relationship through her life that was of benefit for each to live their potential. For details I of course recommend to listen to the interviews πŸ˜‰ starting here: Being Bi-Sexual and Gender Identities.

What I find most supportive is how in one of the interviews, she describes “how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship” instead of “how sex become what defines a relationship”. She describes this in a beautiful and simple way.

In theory, this is quite easy to comprehend. However what I have found is that the ‘default’ programming is existing on deep levels and not so easy to ‘turn around’ in a way, into a wholesome approach. Meaning, I did let sex define the relationship I would enter, although ‘I knew better’. I had to walk it through to the point of creating (many long and short-term) relationships with several consequences, up to where I am now, with / within myself, taking the time to clarify for myself how to redefine a partner-ship into something I will be satisfied with to walk and that underlines my potential, the potential of a partner and so the potential of life as a whole.

Her clear and integer description supports me to implement this first and foremost within myself; to give sex and sexuality the place where it belongs and not making it more important then what is is / should be. She also describes how “this world would perfectly function without sex”.

What I mean with ‘turning it around’ is that I tend to start with sex / physical intimacy and from there, try to develop the trust, intimacy, communication, freedom etc. Which is almost impossible as the starting-point is not aligned but compromised; there is a fear behind it of for example ‘not having sex / not aligning in sex’ and so starting with this to make sure this is in place and / or at least experienced – in a way and also a fear of ‘not being able to firstly align in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so disconnect ‘having sex’ and ‘supportive relationships’ (as how I am able to develop these qualities in friendships) and within this disconnection, trying to ‘have both’ but actually separated and in the end I still find myself trying to bring the (sexual) relationship towards an alignment in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc. I have tried this many times and all the many times, did not succeed in bringing it into a satisfying partnership. So I now can conclude that my approach is not effective, that I miss something in the relationship with myself and that I need to go back to the drawing-board of my own mind-being-body relationship and finding a way of implementing sex as a “physical expression of everything that I develop in a relationship” as partnership, other than friendship.

Many of the interviews in this serie are coming back on this one point (“how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship”) and so listening to (the repeating of this in) the serie is a start of a ‘reprogramming’ of myself within this.

So far for this blog – to be followed up with self-forgiveness.


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