Dag 800 – The relationship with me

I was discussing the relationship with me / myself and describing that I do not really recognize a sense of self as my beingness. As if it is veiled, vague, hidden but at the same time ‘knowing that it is there’ (which seems as a mind-description with the words ‘knowing’ and ‘there’). It is as if I very well know or even be aware that ‘I am here’ but somehow not recognizing myself as such. In which I see an abdication of responsibility.

My buddy from the Desteni I Process gave as an example ‘that part of me that never ages’- that I do recognize within myself as being present.

During the days after, I did see another point of recognition, where I from a young age see opportunities of how things may work out, as for example changing my room and seeing a possibility in a certain set-up, although another does not recognize this as ‘possible’ and from here I start trying / creating this and yes, it often works out. I did get the space to develop this while growing up and here I see how this space to explore is supportive to integrate this sense of self.

Then, I do see a self-judgement, so a judgement on myself, which is my beingness, and this projected (hidden within me) on others when they step forward within the strength of their beingness. This correlates with being mentioned that we often ‘fear’ our own beingness where the ‘self-fear’ and the ‘self-judgement’ are actually the same. As if ‘I do not have the right to fully be here’ but only in one dimension (that is understood by the mind), which makes me tip-toeing around.

Opening up with self-forgiveness on what is veiling this relationship with and as myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tiptoe around within an idea that I do not have the right to be fully here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others within myself who are ‘too much’ present in my eyes, as if they draw all the attention towards them and nothing is left for me / those that are not so much on the foreground, waiting to be ‘invited’ in a way to step forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some kind of ‘silent way’ to draw attention to myself and to put my physical appearance and expression in the forefront without using words to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have defined myself in words, as if I have lived decades, ages, many lives, in silence, not having the words to express myself and only being here by physical appearance, wordless, speechless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kind of being scared from my own voice filling a space, as if it is too load and not appropriate to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is not appropriate to use my voice without anyone asking or inviting me to do so and still then, I am hesitating to really express myself and some kind of rush myself through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself through to express myself, thinking and believing that others will be bored by what I have to say or that they ‘already know it’ and then me only repeating that what everybody already know, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that because I do not step forward and voice myself in what I see, I often hear only that what I already know and me not participating or adding anything which then goes into backchat and projected judgements on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak about something that others do not yet know and fearing to be really listened to and then not being able to clearly express myself and from here, my time is over, my chance has passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that an energetic experience of love means there is self-judgement as fear existing within and as me / self and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the need as an energetic dependency to ‘being loved’ means there is self-judgement as fear existing within me / self as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the experience of love or ‘to be loved’ is filling a lack within me, within the relationship with myself, like filling a space that I have created in separation from and as myself, channeling myself, my self-expression in and as my mind and from here, looking for confirmation from another in and as my mind, to love or to be loved, when all the while it is me looking for myself, my own beingness that I have channeled in my mind, as the worst part of me and then reacting to this part of me as myself, so reacting to myself and pushing myself away more and more and projecting a part of myself onto another and then starting to ‘love’ (this part of) another that is actually a projection of (the worst part of) myself and then ‘loosing myself in another’ in and as my own mind, so loosing myself in my own mind-projections, separating ‘me’ more and more from my own beingness here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to ‘love’ – as the opposite projection of fear – the worst part of myself, projected on another through my own mind, missing myself, this ‘worst’ part of me – and within and as this projection, avoiding to really see myself and that what I fear about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the one that I think and believe I love and that I think and believe that ‘loves me’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the worst of me in and as a projection on another, thinking and believing that I then loose the other when all the while, I project that what I have already done into my ‘thinking and believing’ as that I already lost myself in my own projection of the worst part of me onto another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse another in and as my experience of love and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be used and abused by another in and as my dependency on an experience of ‘to be loved’, as a confirmation of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be loved as a confirmation of my existence and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be used and abused by another projecting his or her worst part on me and so I need to ‘stay in place’ so to speak because when I do not stay into this projection, I remove the veil in a way and so another is looking at his or her own worst self and when and as this can not be received within self-honesty, the hell will break loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the hell breaking loose on me and so, I tiptoe around within my own acceptance and allowance of the experience to be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow another to ‘love me’ in an energetic way because I get something out of it that I desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel a natural, physical expression into a desire in and as my mind, thinking and believing that I only can receive this when and as I accept and allow ‘to be loved’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed myself with the experience of love and / or ‘to be loved’ which is actually an energy addiction to fear as love, love as fear, to keep adrenaline going in and as my physical body – which I now write – this last self-forgiveness – from a point of knowledge and information but not yet really seeing, realizing and understanding in and as myself (the interview under ‘energy addiction’ expands on it).

To be continued.


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Dag 749 – 28. Learned a lot

This blog is related to record 28: Learned a lot

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ of ‘learning things’ and rather would like to start building something that is lasting and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not already building something because of walking through difficult patterns, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this goes hand in hand and so, ‘learning’ and ‘building’ can go together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘creating’ or ‘building’ is something nice and ‘learning’ in this context is mainly difficult and challenging and so, when I do not experience it as nice, I see it as only ‘learning’ or ‘walking through patterns’ and not so much as ‘creating’ and ‘building’.

Self-forgiveness on experiences that are coming up while a pattern is activated and showing it’s face / where I am facing myself within this pattern:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and blanko because of not being able to do anything anymore and so the only solution for now is leaving it and letting go of the control about what another is taking responsibility in or not and taking responsibility for myself in how I experience myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not believe’ how this can happen, how someone can do this and so, I am not standing equal and one with myself and/as another, where in I see now that I hide and suppress an experience of guilt that I have stored in my body as an expectation of a ‘need to be here all the time for another, 24 hours’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not possible and realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be here 24 hours a day for another which must be coming forward out of a mother-syndrom of always feeling like ‘not enough’ for the child, as there can always go something wrong when I am not here and that is then ‘my fault’ or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coming forward out of this self-judgement, going into my mind and from here, indeed not being here 24 hours but distracted within and as a form of self-protection, to not feel the emotions coming up as a reaction in certain circomstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paralized at the height of my ovaria and going down within my legs, like my legs are made of chewing-gum and not being able to move myself anymore to whatever direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself completely on another as in a mother-syndrom, looking after her child and without this focus, not being able to direct myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have protected myself against what I have perceived as the attention of my own mother and her worries about me and at the same time, copying this pattern and doing it myself to a ‘loved one’ that I ‘worry about’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move through and how to ‘fix’ this.

When and as I see myself going into worrying about a ‘loved one’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I worry about myself and not being able to be with this one anymore and/or to live without this one, where the worry is then actually ‘about me’ and so, I am not really effective in seeing what support I am able to give or stand, when and as that may be needed.

I realize that the patterns and play-outs I walk now, are of support for myself (and/as another) to stand on my own two feet in every situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘that it is too much, that this is not cool anymore, that I cannot have it anymore and that it is unfair that I need to go through all of this as I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only need to go through things if I do ‘something wrong’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘do wrong’, is taking projections of another personally as if it is about me and ‘wanting to take care of another 24 hours as a way to be sure to be together’ is an approach that is impossible and unrealistic, as we all need to stand on our own two feet and learn to take responsibility for our own mind and so, it are opportunities to bring the patterns that are stored deep within me to the surface, so that I can forgive and correct myself into a more realistic and so, more effective living human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that things will be allright if I ‘do not do anything wrong anymore’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind is build up and stored within many deep layers and that we are only free, when all are free and so, the pain will not stop until all are free as only then we will be able to communicate, to care and to work together effectively but at the same time I can push myself to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I realize that I do not understand a reaction within myself that starts with ‘I cannot believe this is happening’ and here giving up on myself and giving away my self-direction of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without the other and so, taking on more responsibility on my shoulders than is really my part which is then a distraction within and for myself from experiencing the pain of inequality, because as long as I am busy with the other and trying ‘to do good’, I think and believe that I can not loose the other or that I can not be blamed to loose the other and I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if another sees what he/she is doing, that he/she then will walk away and never come back and so I try to prefend this by doing the best I can to ‘fill the gabs’ and ‘always be here’, where in I see, realize and understand that I then actually go away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my reactions in living without the other and so I want the other to ‘always be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘learned a lot’ but still not really changed in this deep pattern of dependency within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to stand within the unexpectedness of life and within the only certainty of being with and as myself no matter what, meaning that I do not have control about an outcome but only about what I walk in and as myself and so, I do not have control about ‘staying together’ as there always can something ‘unexpected’ happen and so, I created a ’24 hours attention’ within and as myself and behind this an experience of guilt to keep myself busy with, as a distraction and illusion of control about ‘being/staying together’ as how a mother and child are connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a commitment to stand with in this but at the same time, expecting a commitment from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit to stand with myself as within this, I experience a huge fear to ‘loose another’ if I do so and I am not sure how I will stand with and as myself if and when I may ‘loose another’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not ‘fear loosing someone’, that I then not ‘love’ someone and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then hold on to the fear as holding on to my own thoughts as a ‘connection’ as actually a way of control in and as my own mind.

I commit myself to continue walking and finding ways to support myself and others in this, by keeping myself open and approachable for receiving and giving ways of self-support and preventing myself from speaking or acting in reaction (and forgiving/correcting myself when and as I do so) and within this, giving myself and others time to walk through the difficult parts within and as the mind, where in I realize everytime again that I can only keep standing within the principle of what is best for all, in and as life and that eventually within and as life, we are all united and no one will be ‘left alone’ anymore as here we are al(l)-one with ourselves in and as life, without existing in separation. Which is something that I now only realize in knowledge and information and that will take a lifetime to walk into in practical reality and so I move myself through the fears coming up, slowly and embracing/forgiving myself for what I experience in every moment, within and as self-support and support of one another.

I commit myself to look into the words ‘creating’ and ‘building’ and redefine this into a more realistic definition for myself.

I commit myself to walk ‘what is here’, in small pieces day by day and not too much going into a looking forward as then easily many things can come up as a ‘what if this and that go wrong’ where in I then fuell an experience of ‘fear of loss‘ within and as myself.

I commit myself to look into thoughts connected to an experience of fear within the realization of the information that ‘fear’ actually exist within and as a thought.

Previous blog: 27. Finding my stability

Next blog: 29. Care as motivation


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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Dag 630 – The body-being-mind relationship – Physical effect of self-forgiveness

forgive-yourself2

The application of self-forgiveness is a tool to use to delete the emotional, feeling and thought patterns that we have believed, manifested and lived throughout our lives. In this manifesting, we even condition our own physical body to a state that is physically reflecting the believes that we have taken for granted, in/as the mind. So, from here, it is in common sense to see that the application of self-forgiveness can be used as well as a support to release the body from the falty patterns that we have made up in/as the mind throughout our lives and that have been lived throughout generations before us.

I have created consequenses within my own physical body. Here my own body is a point of cross-reference to see if I am effective in the application of self-forgiveness and to see if I am self-honest in it. Meaning: am I really honest about and towards myself in what I have taken for granted and what I have physically manifested, in how I have spoken, lived and behaved in a way that was not best for myself and so not best for all? So being self-honest means basicely: do I dare to see where I have not taken care of myself and/or another and so, created physical consequenses? Do I dare to face myself in this and admit to myself, okay, I did it wrong, I had no respect, let’s see how to bring forward solutions and better myself here. Self-honesty also means to dare to experience the pain that is caused, towards myself and towards another, from myself and/or from another, by living without respect and care. Here it is to be/become aware to not go into judgements again towards myself and/or another of how I/the other ‘did it all wrong’ and manifested consequenses, but rather see how to support myself within the moment, moving through the experiences and taking responsibility for it in/as myself, as well as for the point of control in it. Step by step, day by day.

Yesterday morning I was having difficulties within my large intestine – as many mornings, which means that I am having cramps within the intestine with the result of not being able to have a releasing stool. Throughout the past weeks, there are emotional reactions coming up while I am walking through points coming up that I see related to a manifested concept of ‘love’ as how it is known in this world and to emotional experiences of ‘neediness‘. This morning I decided to lay down with myself and start speaking self-forgiveness out load.

The moment I started speaking, my intestine started to make noises and I felt movements coming up inside and this kept on going while I was speaking the self-forgiveness. While speaking, emotions were coming up that I released within the words and that I released within an expression of crying. I went on with this until I felt as if a burden had gone, a burden that I was carying with me for already longer. How I do this is actually very simple: I lay down and start with what is coming up within me. I place my hands on places in my body/belly that are tensed or hurted, I push a little when necessary, I speak within a self-forgiveness statement what comes up in me and from here, see what further comes up. This can also be a memory that I have created emotional attachements towards. I do not go into ‘analysing’ what comes up in me but simply release myself from what I experience inside myself. I name it, I forgive myself for it and move on to the next. Here I bring the ‘falty patterns’ within a supportive expression for/as myself. I move myself through the emotional experiences while embracing myself in acceptance, towards and within understanding myself.

An hour or something more later, after this session of self-forgiveness I took a second cup of coffee (I have two in the morning) and I was able to go to the toilet again and release myself from the waste. Here I saw the movement direct related to how I released myself from the emotional burdens that I was holding on to within myself. They often say, when the large intestine is having difficulties to release, one is having difficulties to ‘let go’. Well, that I do recognize myself in for sure. However, how am I able to ‘let go’? As simply saying ‘okay, you have to let go’ is not enough, it has to be more practicle.

The application of self-forgiveness is the tool that I find most supportive in ‘letting go’. Self-forgiveness in itself, means ‘letting go’ of what I am holding on to in/as my mind, within thoughts and beliefs, within emotions, within feelings and within holding on to how I have defined myself in these thoughts, beliefs, emotions and feelings in/as my mind. So if we see how much we participate in thoughts, emotions and feelings during a day, during a week, during a lifetime until now, it is to see with common sense that it is not a solution to say ‘oh you are having difficulties with letting go so you have to let go’. This is not giving a specific tool of How to let go. It is not taken the mind consciousness system into consideration and it is not showing an awareness of how we specificely have created ourselves within and as this mind consciousness system; a system that we have accepted and allowed to manifest within and without ourselves. We have accepted and allowed to manipulate Life, within ourselves and without in this world by participating extensively within the mind consciousness system. So much that we even do not see, realize and understand how we did this, how we have accepted and allowed this and how we are responsible for this, within ourselves and without in this world.

So here I am walking through my own manifested consequenses, within my own body that I mainly experience within a disfunctional large intestine and emotional experiences coming up. The sounding of self-forgiveness is having an effect on this disfunctional pattern, the sounding of self-forgiveness is supporting in releasing the disfunctional beliefs and emotional experiences that I have physically manifested. In doing so, it is giving more room to my physical body to function properly.

The disfunctional pattern has manifested throughout the years during my life and so it’s not done in a moment and it is not the whole solution. After the letting go of the old, I have to create a new, healty script and live this script for/as myself and of course the body needs to be supported physically with for example suitable food and additional supplements. It’s an ongoing process of self-support. The application of (sounding) self-forgiveness is definitely a part of this support and it is a practical tool that entails a ‘letting go’.

Are you interested in learning how to use this tool of the application of self-forgiveness? This within the context of finding solutions for all live?

Visit this step by step course, it’s free online and available for everyone who has access to internet and the ability to write online.

self forgiveness

2012: Quantify Process – Speak Self Forgiveness OUT LOUD

Finding Physical Stability through Sounding Self Forgiveness.

Blog serie:

The mind-body relationship – Articulation and twinkling lips

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

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