733 – Projection – What if that what I am seeing, through thinking, is not ‘as it is’?

projection1

Projection is one of the most difficult mechanism of the mind to really see within ourselves. Through thoughts, feelings and emotions it seems like that what we see and experience is reality, while it is actually only a personal interpretation that we have build up, through memories, within our life, mostly as a control-mechanism and then continuesly used to protect ourselves for the experience of ‘loosing control’. Within this, we look through our ‘mind-eyes’ and then project this on physical reality.

Projection has also different dimensions. For myself, I have learned that I still do believe in certain moments – and certainly have believed – my own thoughts, feelings and emotions as if it is real, however I have quite early in process learned to open up my own point of view, by asking myself the question: what if that what I am seeing through thinking, is not as it is, what if the other is telling me how it is actually, so, in terms of the mind: what if I am ‘wrong’ and the other is ‘right’; no matter how much I am convinced by my own experience to be real or ‘right’ as how it is?

This question can open up ‘process’, for me it did.

Process meaning, walking from consciousness to awareness in taking responsibility for who we are in our thoughts/feelings/emotions, words and deeds and learn to self-honestly reflect and change.

Within this realization, I could approach another again and bring forward that I opened up for their view and let go of my view as ‘being right’. Where within this, I saw indeed that I really had projected my own view  – as how it is for me – on another, so I placed my own build up mind-situation on another, as if this was ‘about them’. But it was not, it was only about me.

Seeing this, is giving an opening to become self-honest. It is opening up the possibility that what I see, is not how it is. And from here it gives an opening for listening from a different starting-point; from here on I learned to listen from a starting-point of seeing what is real, of a willingness to learn and listen and integrate and expand; not to ‘proove that I am right’ but to see what is real and from here, integrate and learn to apply what is best for all.

It seems such a small insignificent step. However, it is a change in starting-point, from a ‘closed circle’ in/as the mind, where in I have locked in and encrypted myself within my own memories and experiences, to opening up, to really listen and learn.

While doing so – when I am willing to listen and learn and expand –  the personal points of view that I created in ‘default’ so to speak, will one by one come forward, within and as myself. And here I then can take responsibility for my personal interpretations and the effect and consequence of this, by forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself occupied within my own personal and self-created point of view.

From here it is a process for years to walk, as I have layered so many aspects within myself, where I really believe that ‘what I see and how I feel is real’ and so, I keep myself occupied in and with it. However, through time and application, it becomes easier te be self-honest and most important, this willingness to learn, to listen and see what is real, this did not go away anymore. This one moment of realization that I have walked and applied in reality as a change within/as myself, as an opening up, this I has been established as a constant and consistant self-support from where I can continuously expand.

More difficult do I find it now, when another is projecting his/her thoughts on me and through this, really manipulating a whole situation or interaction. Because as long as this circle in/as our own mind is closed without an opening for other views, it is not so easy to reach out to the beingness that is channeled within and as the mind, within and as this closed circle, to bring in some common sense and such conversation easily spirals out of control. Because, at this stage there is no real communication possible, as the mind can/will protect it’s own rightiousness and use all kind of really smart projections to keep oneself locked-in and existing, to ‘proove’ to be right and from here, it will keep every other view locked out, at distance.

This is something that I will open up for myself in next blog, within the application of self-forgiveness where in I will take responsibility for the experiences that are coming up within me, when and as projections are placed on me so to speak and on the experience of not knowing how and where to start about how the mind works, on the experience of not knowing how to make clear that what is being said, is not about me, but about what another is projecting (on me in this case) as a personal mind-interpretation.

“As you’ve already Noticed, if you’ve been with Desteni for several years: Change, in any form whatsoever – is the most difficult thing. That, Simplistically because – the Systems that Control the Human, and I mean the Human – your Thoughts, Everything is Controlled Completely. At some level one do Understand this, although some are so well Controlled that they would for instance Think ‘they are their Thoughts’, which is like fascinating that one can come to such a Conclusion.” (…)

(…) “We knew of the Problem in the Beginning when the Portal Opened – so, to Solve the Problem there was only One Solution: everyone had to be placed in an Equal Position in the Dimensions, that means – in the Afterlife. Unless they are in an Equal Position, we’ll have continuous Deception and Misrepresentation, and Image and Likeness’s that we have to Deal with – and it will take a long time to Break-through this to get to Self-Honesty where one can get to Self-Responsibility. As the Destonians know, how difficult it is to help another being on Earth – it is like, it’s Virtually Impossible. It’s like pulling hens teeth, and hens don’t have teeth – so, that’s how Difficult it is to even get One Person to Realize the Extent of the Problem that they are Existing as in their Fake Illusions, and their Images and Likenesses – through which they are Protecting the Inner Evil that Life has always been, within this World.” 

From: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)

projection


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Advertenties

Dag 662 – Use and abuse

hearingContinuing on:

Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fearing to loose within a conversation with someone because of feeling like not being heard, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may be speaking in a way or with words that another is not (yet) able to hear and so, the other is actually not hearing me.

I realize that I think that when I feel not being heard that I need to go, which makes it of course impossible to be heard by that one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to go when I feel not being heard and/or am actually not being heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘to good to stay’ when I (feel like I) am not being heard.

I realize that I define myself as ‘not being heard’ as how I worked with in the previous blog as if that is ‘who I am’ and so, I will resonate this in my words that others will pick up in/as the mind, where what I still resonate in/as the mind is what is picked up by whomever is participating in/as the mind and so the words spoken/the being in it, will not be noticed.

So I realize that I have work to do here for myself and find a way to express myself effectively and without resonating the believe of ‘not being heard’.

I realize that I even may pick out people to (intimate) connect with that I ‘know’ from that they do not yet hear me as a way to confirm myself in/as the mind and as an excuse to stay within my comfortzone in/as the mind of not being heard/of not expressing myself effectively, until it becomes (physically) uncomfortable to suppress myself/my being like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would be okay to (intimate) connect with another without being heared and within this, suppress myself, where this ‘being okay with it’ is the comfortzone in/as the mind as how I ‘am used’ and adapted myself to be with others on a daily base as how I knwo myself while growing up.

I realize that ‘how I am used to be’ includes the words ‘being used’ as how I feel myself often where in how we are used to be and live, is actually a way of abuse that we are used to and adapted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adapt myself and get used to a be and live in and as abuse, meaning in inequality in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself/my being to be abused by my acceptances and allowances in/as the mind and project this on others, in and as the feeling of ‘being used’ by another, which is actually meaning that I am used to myself in/as the mind and within this, abuse myself and my physical body.

I commit myself to use the feeling of ‘being used’ or abuse, as a flagpoint to investigate within myself what I do accept and allow within myself without standing up/speaking up/expressing myself effectively and here, use my own ‘abuse’ (as thoughts, feelings and emotions) in/as the mind constructively and as support for myself.

I commit myself to practise and find ways to express myself effectively within a way that I am comfortable in without staying in my comfortzone in/as the mind and I commit myself to do so, to connect with people who are wiling to communicate, to listen and express in a more equal way and to from here, see how I can express myself to and communicate with the ones that are more in the mind at the moment from a point of self-trust and understanding and so, standing more equal to whomever I communicate with – which I realize is a process through time.

120117_logo

Desteni I Process – courses

——————————————————————————————————————-

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation

Uil forgive

Dag 610 – The mind-body relationship – Articulation and twinkling lips

animaatjes-lippen-94841

From experiencing myself as restless during the whole day (last week) and having a conflict in the evening, I decided already that evening to next morning – after additional a remarkable dream during the night – to lay down on my bed and sound self-forgiveness and release the energetic experiences. I was able to let go of some deep emotions from the past that were pointed out within the dream, where in the area around my solar plexus was responding with noises and some relaxation from a very tight state. Within this I started to notice how in a moment, my lips started to move in more clear pronouncements and I became aware of the expression within my lips/mouth and the articulation of the words within this. As if my mouth became alive and my lips are physically feeling more full and a bit twinkling.

A while ago, I asked Sunette during a chat (and/or a being expressing itself through Sunette) if there is anything related to my underlip being very dry and changing it’s skin very fast on and on. This was the answer given:

“IngridS, – FEAR of SPEAKING, the dryness is you almost ‘shrinking’ yourself into inferiority within yourself – like sucking yourself back into the mind, into suppression – so here, we’d suggest having a look at your fears you still give into in the mind when it comes to people”

It was not the most nice answer to hear lol but it was very supportive and bringing a focus/awareness. It was not a totally ‘new’ insight but had some new aspects/dimensions and also showed me the seriousness of the effect of inferiority. So I took this with me while moving on, keeping an eye on my lips, on speaking, on fear, continuing walking the patterns coming to the surface and at the same time not yet seeing so much change inside myself instead of keeping an eye on myself with regards to my lips.

During the sounding/speaking of self-forgiveness this morning, I was taking responsibility for a decision in the past that I needed to make to get clear sight on myself and to stand up on my own two feet but in what I see that I limited myself and another with regards to the living environment. This gave some release from tension in my breast area and movements with bubling noises in the area around my solar plexus and a on a specific place within my body and my large intestine.

While speaking/sounding the self-forgiveness and going into this more pronounced articulation and movement with my mouth, I noticed how I normally and almost always tend to ‘not take too much time to speak and to speak quite fast and keep it short as if I could not take so much time from others to listen to me and to not pronounce too clearly, a bit like mumbling and from here, being relieved if I was finished speaking’.

While articulating when sounding the self-forgiveness, what came up within me was ‘I am not sure if I dare to do this and take this time to pronounce while speaking with others’.

However I enjoyed and enjoy the physical experience within my mouth and lips, when speaking and also when not speaking so this gives a nice focus for myself while speaking and to become more aware of the words I say and slow down within. Because now when I write this down, I remember that so far, I do not like speaking very much and/or doing it within resistance ‘because I have to’ from myself, especially when it is an expression that may be ‘new’ and so I might meet some disunderstanding. So to prevent myself from an experience of being not- or misunderstood and going into inferiority inside myself because of being not understood, I start a bit mumbling and talking as if it is of not so much importance what I say and that ‘you can choose to listen or not’ as if I do not care so much.

I do care, I do react when I notice that someone did not hear me, not understood, not listen or forgot what I said. That was what the conflict (from inside myself projected on the outside) was actually about the other night. So quite an interesting sensitivity coming through here within my body in my lips and mouth, showing how I create this ‘not being heared’ by myself by taking away the attention from it.

Also recalling that about a year ago or something, I placed a picture on facebook where a woman gave a comment mentioning that ‘my eyes are laughing but my mouth not’ in a positive way, she liked this expression where for me it was ringing a bell and at the picture I was also keeping a hand for my mouth.

I am not used to express myself within my face and keep my face most of time as neutral as possible. Where I assume this being related to the ‘neutral state’ in/as the subconsciousness within myself. To not show what is going on inside myself. I simply did not learn to express myself through my face and mouth within words, as I did not have a living example in this while growing up. Which is my responsibility to take on within and as myself and practise and develop an expression from/as myself. I practised this within my body within many dancing-lessons through the years and I learned myself to use my eyes and body to express myself. However I was not able to allign my face and voice with this and stopped the dancing-lessons when focussing on other area’s.

A process to be continued and follwoing up with self-forgiveness, as this is a realization coming through that is up to me to bring into practical/physical living, alligned with myself in expression.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

self-forgiveness1 (2)

2012: Quantify Process – Speak Self Forgiveness OUT LOUD

Dutch translation:

Proces van Kwantificeren – Spreek Zelfvergeving LUIDOP (vertaling)

———————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 530 – Sharing a hidden pattern

Yesterday a point came to the surface that I would like to open up and forgive myself for. It is related to ‘sharing’ within conversation. Within the conversation, I gave notition of a chat that I have had as we discussed this before but I mentioned on forehand that I will not yet expand on a certain point that had opened up and will first walk it for myself and share and/or write about it afterwards. This is a ‘normal’ phrase for me and if someone tells me so, I would immediately accept it and leave it up to the one who sais so. However the buddy started to ask some questions about it, what the reason was for not expanding on it now. I didnot expect any questions when I say on forehand that  I do not want to expand on it so I reacted to it within myself and resisted even more to open up. After chat, I realized that I missed a dimension in this where I did not take the ‘conversationpartner’ into consideration by stating on forehand that I will not expand on a certain subject at the moment while we did have shared the occasion of it all. The point of first walking it for myself is fine ofcourse, however there was a point of self-interest in it as ‘keeping it to myself’ which I did not yet see. As I said, it is a ‘normal’ phrase for me to say in which I only take myself into consideration as how I am used to do things, which is actually me as the mind because it is ‘how I am used to do things’ without taking the other as myself as life in consideration where I could have shared some overview and walking the detail for myself. I noticed that I had decided on forehand to ‘not expand on it’ and so, did not see within the moment what is best to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed after finishing chat about my behaviour in the stated words as that I ‘am not going to expand on it now’ which I had already decided to do so without seeing into ways to do share something that I am already able to and see how to do this within the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I did not take the point of sharing in the moment of what I am able to into consideration, where in I did not take the conversationpartner as life into consideration where in I did not take myself as life into consideration by stating on forehand that I am not going to expand on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘is it not enough when I say that I am not going to expand on it now, why should this come from someone else?’ where in I feel threatened as if I can not decide for myself to share or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel questioned within my decision to not yet share and within this, questioned within my ability to make a decision to do so or not by myself where in it is not the fact of not yet sharing that is actually questioned but it is the statement on forehand in/as the mind that is questioned here and that I should question for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically not share and to not take the value of sharing into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think about myself within the decision to share or not share where in I experience this as ‘my decision’ as mine as something that another has nothing to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to own my own process and feel threatened when there are questions asked about it that I stated on forehand to not yet share.

Then why do I not want to share already? Because I did not have yet walked into physical reality what I have realised and I fear that if I already share, I ‘loose’ what I have realised and ‘fall back’ into self-doubt. Within this I see a fear of  ‘not being understood’ and so, I start ‘explaing myself’ and so to prevent myself for this, I make the statement that ‘I am not going to expand on it now’.

The points in itself are relevant to take into consideration, however the fear gives an energetic experience as fear of loss of myself within the communication when I notice the situation as if I am not being understood. Funny in this is that I cannot be understood if I will not expand and will not answer questions so I keep myself in my own fear in place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being understood which brings me to the experience of needing to ‘explain myself’ to make myself clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from the point of wanting to be understooda and so, expecting something from another instead of unconditionally sharing myself within the things that I am already able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy in the sharing as it costs me a lot of effort to express myself and bring for example insights into words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the moment what and how I can share within consideration of myself as another as being within the ability of myself in that moment and so instead I start protecting myself in/as the mind in a statement on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the conversation as sharing on forehand by the decision to not yet expand on a certain point as a way of control of myself in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to loose control within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimicy within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let anyone close within sharing myself within words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anyone in me and only open up when I am really sad, which is not cool as in this way I only share the sad points in which I bring myself into reality as a ‘sad person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only share the sad points in and as a fear that when sharing my insight, this will fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect positive energy to insights as a way to feel better about myself where in I use the insights as a way to protect myself against feeling less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the experience of feeling better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I first share a point, I will not live it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself in and as a sad personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blanc when I have the possibility to share and only bring certain aspects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of so many typing from ‘what I mean’ and so I prefer to not share and type so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to share in and as self-expression and always feel as if the sharing is incomplete and so, this gives only a certain aspect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be defined in only a certain aspect and so, prefer to not share where actually I do want to share myself, however this takes so much time and effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see the ‘use’ of sharing in conversation and prefer to only share what is practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see what others share, often as ‘so much talking about things that I already know’ which I do not want to be seen myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to bother or bore someone and so, prefer to keep it short and only share some summary or conclusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sharings into different variations as ‘boring’ or ‘interesting’ or ‘short’ or ‘long’ etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer summaries and conclusions and not the wide expanding to listen to and to speak, where in I try to take all into one summary or conclusion, where in I realise that I can make a conclusion or summary in process from every specific detail, to make it relevant, practical and easy to comprehend within sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things to be ‘talked dead’ into analysing in/as the mind and so, prefer to live things instead of ‘talking about things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ‘overanalysed’ and within this, being put into a certain box of analisation.

After forgiving these dimensions which seemed a bit incoherent and going ‘from here to there’, I see that the hidden fear as reason behind not yet wanting to share is that I am much more stable now and I do not yet want to share this, because I want to first ‘test’ and walk this stability for myself. This is fine, however a point of self-interest is that I do not yet want to hold myself (and be hold) accountable for myself in more self-responsibility so it is actually a bit of a post-poning of living my potential, also from a point of fear of ‘what if I will fall back’ which is more a fear of ‘what if I do not have some freetime anymore to entertain myself a bit’.

Where in I see that instead of simply sharing and moving on, I hold it within myself and actually enlarge it with this behaviour which makes it ‘something bigger’ than it is. As building up (at)ten(t)sion which I actually wanted to prevent by ‘not going to expand on it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up attention as a tension within myself and within this, expectation where in I enlarge the energy and at the same time postpone the simply living of a realisation, by believing that I cannot live up to my own build up expectation which I project on others as ‘not yet wanting to share as I do not want to make expectations that I ‘cannot live up to’.

So a nice hidden pattern is coming to the surface.

Self-commitments will follow.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman

dejar-de-sentir-04_thumbArtwork see blog Marlen

Winged – Exploring Self Intimacy

——————————————————————————————————————-

Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

PENTAX Image

Day 374 – How Every Breathe Counts

In the beginning when Roos came to me with her mother (some one brought them to me), she was not my ‘favorite’. She reminded me of patterns that I react on in myself, Of course I took care of all the physical needs from the beginning and ‘liked’ her as an animal, but there was something that I kept distance in, I ‘let’ her in a way. Her mother was ‘my favorite’ and it always seemed that Roos took care of herself, that she did exactly what she wanted without ‘paying attention’ on her surroundings and that she didnot need so much attention, although she was very present herself. In the last year of her life, it came to my awareness that she also wanted to have some ‘extra attention’ as some support in her expression. So we started this, I made a flower remedy for her, as I do sometimes when an animal needs some assistance. And from that moment we walked together and it was really fun. She became old, and lost her hair, so I had walking a very little, half bald quinea pig in the house. She lost her ‘beauty’ as her pelt. I took her with me more often and after eating and treatment for her hair, she was sitting against me, and she liked it to sit like that, I think also because she had less hair, so some hands around her gave some warmth and protection. Within this, I started seeing her, and seeing her means really liking her expression. Sometimes I had reactions on her bald appearance, and sometimes I had reactions on her poo all through the house.

This point of preference is related to the evening before she died. Because I was looking into myself, would I have ignored Roy (the male quinea pig) the same for one moment if he would ask for my attention so prominent? Would I not check on him one more time before going to bed? As I see it, the answer is no. So, to my shame, I notice that preference has played a role in my behaviour of self-interest as ignorance the evening before Roos died.

Which leads to my behaviour of preference towards human beings, especially related to my mother, and my ignorance in this towards her callings for attention. My behaviour in preference towards ‘males’ which I see as more ‘relaxed’, and from which I want attention, and in this ignoring the attention from the female who was prominent around me (my mother) and or males who are showing this behaviour. Placing my trust in males who are not asking for attention, where I see this more ‘relaxed’ as more responsible, from which I see now, this is all just an appearance and interpretation, they have not yet taken responsibility, and putting my trust in them, has always lead to compromising myself as a betrayal of myself, ignoring myself in and as self-honesty. All because of getting away from ‘too much attention on me’ from the female in my life as my mother, to which I reacted so much that I did not see another option than ignoring and walking away, and within this, of course, wanting attention form another being.

And so, I reacted in and as these points towards Roos, the evening before she died:

Preference, which I was busy correcting with Roos, but did not yet stop completely.

Getting away and ignoring too much asking for attention from a female (or male with the same behaviour)

Reactions on her poo in the house that was thinner and more that evening

*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let play preference a role in my behaviour as care-taker for Roos the quinea pig, the night before she died, and within this, made a decision in self-dishonesty to not look at her for one time before going to bed when she was lying quiet under the hay and to not listen to her persistant call for attention before she jumped into the hay and became quiet, and so ignoring life as myself as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop, ignore and walk away form persistant asking for attention, out of a pattern of ‘closing myself of’ when a female (or male) is asking too much attention in which I do not know what she (he)  wants from me, and instead of breathing, staying here, and really listening and seeing and within this finding out what is going on, I automatically walk out and close the doors, locking myself in, into my own space, and locking everyone else out, to not face this uncomfortable insecurity of not knowing what the other living being wants from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really listen to Roos right before she died, and within this, missing her gift of life towards me of giving me the opportunity to stop my patternal mind-behaviour and being here with her, receiving what she wants to express unconditionally in and as life, although I maybe do not understand her completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of not accepting this gift of life and failing in taking care of her in the last moments of Roos the quinea pig, to not feel worthy to accept the gift of life anyway, which must be build up in this way, in and as an experience of so much ignorance and fear of failure within this, that I feel like unworthy to accept the gift of life towards and as myself and within this, prefer to fail on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to fail on forehand out of fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to accept the gift of life by stopping the automatic energetic reactions in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to hear and understand what Roos wants in that moment of persistant asking for attention, and so rather lock off than opening up, not seeing, realising and understanding that just because of locking off, I will be unable to see what is here, and just because of reacting in and as this locking off, I keep myself locked in as encrypted in and as my own mindconstruct, just as it is constructed and set up as a system to keep me as a human being prison and in control, in and as the mind, to keep me away of standing up in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the signs as encryprions of the mindsystem in what could have been a moment of awareness, sharing and real care-taking in and as life, and within this, looking away from my own potential in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself afterwards for looking away from my own potential in and as life, and in this again, looking away from the gift of life that is still here, given by Roos with her life, as something that I can decide to accept in every moment of breath and so change myself within this breath by breath in and as self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is ‘too bad’ what I have done, and so feeling unworthy to decide to change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of ‘too bad’ – in Dutch ‘te erg’, is an experience in and as enERGy which makes me feel like ‘te erg’ as ‘too bad’, and so keeping myself enslaved again in and as these enERGetic reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see males who are not asking for attention, as more relaxed as not asking for attention and translate this as more responsible, and so seeing ‘relaxed’ and ‘not asking for attention’ as responsible, in which I start wanting the attention of these appaerently relaxed beings, and within this walking out of my own self-responibility as a female in and as compromising myself to get from and give attantion towards males who are relaxed as not asking for attention, where in this case, I compromised the life of Roos as a female quinea pig who was asking very persistant and prominent for my attention by going into reaction in and as the mind and within this, missing out on the request of life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the attention I get from females and/or males who are asking for and also within this, giving me a lot of attention, but instead of this, out of a feeling of being uncomfortable and ‘not knowing what to do with it’, turning myself towards males who are not giving attention at all but walk out in and as self-interest, although their intention is ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust on intention – which is in and as the mind – instead of on practical daily interaction and physical proof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like all the poo on the floor, the night before she died, which I used as a reason for putting her in her own space with some wood before it for that evening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get distracted by the poo on the floor that became more that evening and thinner, and reactions in myself on this as being dirty and not hygienic, and within this going into control in and as the mind and within this, not listening to Roos, asking for my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like getting overwhelmed when the house gets too dirty, and at the same time having difficulties with pushing myself to clean it all up, and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting overwhelmed by myself in and as the mind with no physical moove anymore as cleaning up the house, within and as an experience of it as ‘being too much’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the thoughts and reactions in and as the mind, is what is getting me really dirty and not some poo on the floor in the house which I can clean up afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable as it ‘being too much’ to clean up all the dirt in and as the mind, and so fear getting overwhelmed by it, and from that being unble to physically move, and so instead of stopping the dirt in and as the mind, in and as reactions, I suddenly start controling the dirt on the ground in the house, existing in and as fear that otherwise it will never stop and so become too much for me, which is a projection of experiences of myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experiences in and as the mind, on the physical existance, and within this, controling life in and as self-expression in and as the physical.

*

So far for today.

I will walk the point of lonelyness / fulfillment and specialness / making relationships personal in blogs to come, as well as self-commitment statements.

PENTAX Image

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/