Dag 777 – Future projections and what I find behind it

Here I am sitting behind my computer on writing day 777 and I do not have a subject to write about. I do see how my mind goes into future-projections almost automaticely and me following up on this and only when I bring myself here with clear words of common sense, like ‘hey, this has all nothing to do with what I am doing in this moment and where I am’. So let’s do some self-forgiveness on this fenomene of future-projections, as I see myself often going into this in several ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into future projections as scenario’s that may take place in the future, as well in positive scenario’s as in negative scenario’s, where in I see that I do it as a way to distract myself from where I am at the moment, in time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use future projections as a way to experience something inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself occupied within creating experiences inside myself, connected to future-projections that I make up in my mind, that may be realistic, however,  it doesnot make sense to use it different or more or other than as a practical guideline for myself and my life in what I would like to live and create and what is realistic and practical within this and for the rest, it only functions as a distraction in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use future projections to not admit that I am actually participating in a fear of that what I want or prefer to happen in the future, to not take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feeling better than who I am and what I do in the moment, right now, by going into future projections that I would like to take place or happen in my life, as if where I am, who I am and what I do right now, is ‘not enough’ or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really be with my body and what happens within it because of going and being into all kind of scenario’s in and as my mind, related to the future or past, on long term or on short term, however, never really and fully being here in and as my physical body, as if this is not already enough to be with and as, as if the whole universum is not already taking place within and as all the organic functional processes in and as the universum of my physical body and myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and have separated myself from myself in and as my physical body and actually let my body do the constant working, without really seeing and understanding what and how my body do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel or have felt so much alone because I have separated myself from myself as life in and as my physical body and so, separated from the life in and as my physical body itself, by always wanting more and looking for more and somewhere else outside, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak about projections, without really seeing, realizing and understanding how much I participate in future projections in and as myself.

When and as I see myself going into a future projection, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am going out of the moment and out of my body and shifting in and as the mind into a place where I assume that it may be better, in which I only make it impossible for myself to calm myself down or to be realistic with and as myself, because I do not see what it is that I shift away from and what makes me do so. I commit myself to take an inbreathe and stop, breathe out and bring myself here and look into and define what emotions I try to get away from and what I prefer to shift towards and from here, find a word that I can support myself with to live this ‘what I try to shift towards’ as an expression, right here and now, in and as myself as where I am at the moment in space, time and process.

In this way I will enable myself to make peace with myself in who I am and where I am in every moment of the process I walk and only in this way, enable myself to forgive and change myself into an expression in and as self-support and without the need to think or believe that ‘I miss out‘ on something ‘out there’ as where the mind is trying to distract me towards and away from myself.


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Dag 771 – Timing

What I find often within myself is how I tend to want to speak about something as soon as possible, as if I have to do it now, otherwise it is too late. This is then still fear-based in some dimensions and in this I will miss some dimensions within myself to consider, which will have a consequence, for myself but for others as well.

I also find, if I am not really sure about the consequence outflow of my words, where I see that this that I can not see, may have a harmfull outflow, that I better give myself and the situation some more time to unfold. This is ofcourse only possible for situations where a conversation can take place later, as there are and will be situations where a decision needs to be made in a certain time-frame or even ‘right now’.  But this is not what I mean here with my tendency to want to speak about something right now or as soon as possible’.

I actually fear an outcome here in one way or another or, I fear a confrontation, where I then want to have it done as soon as possible, to free myself from the uncomfortable experience of uncertainty and anxiety or nervousness within myself. However when I come forward with aconfrontation from this starting-point of fear, I will afterwards, have a longer and ‘lingering’ outflow of unconfortability, where in I am rewalking the situation over and over again in my mind, trying to make peace with myself in the fact that I did not give myself more time to consider every visible aspect or, to wait (if and when possible) if I see that I do not have enough information about the effect of my words or decision. So it is then a ‘waiting’ for more data / information , to have a more considered timing for a converstation to take place in a way that is causing the less possible friction or turbulating effect.

Timing

I find it not so easy to find the timing but I do see that this is related to my own anxiety and uncomfortability when having to confront myself in a certain situation. So it is also possible that I delay to bring something forward, in trying to prevent friction and conflict and then from here, it is possible that it comes out in a moment because the delaying has given an accumulation of the nervousness and anxiety within myself. And when I started with a bad timing, I make it more difficult for myself to then bring it back in timing / alignment with myself again, as I am sort of running away from admitting to myself that I from the start, did not consider every aspect and did not consider or apply the best timing that I already had seen as possible but that I found myself unable to apply.

It may be so that the outcome of it in general may be the same, because what is triggered inside, is already inside and it needs to come out anyway somehow. However at least for myself (and so probably also for others involved), it will prevent a lot of turmoil and uncertainty and experiences of guilt and regret and ‘reliving’ of the situation in my mind, over and over again, to find out if and where I could have done different.

It is so much of a learning process and I find ‘timing’ one of the most challenging points – not so much in my actions but mostly in the timing of my words – where I actually find it challenging to on forehand, become calm and stable and certain in what I want and who I am, as what I see that is standing within the principle of ‘best for all’ as best for myself on longterm. It actually has to do with self-trust; to trust myself in walking breath by breath and not ‘walking ahead’ in my mind and then ‘wanting to get it done’.

What I see is that within this ‘rushing’, I try to get away from taking responsibility for myself within self-honesty, so I try to avoid my own self-honesty and the possible outflow, where in what I see in self-honesty, may not be aligned with what I prefer and if that is so, then I need to let go that what I prefer because on long-term, my self-honesty is what I will keep standing in and as, as what is best for myself as life. And this self-honesty is also ‘layered’ I would say, as if in each layer that I  walk through, there is a point of honesty that I may need to reconsider and go to the core of myself in what it really is that I can do as best for myself on long-term and to find out what is coming forward out of myself in my comfort-zone and what is really and truly my utmost potential in this specific moment or situation and how I am going to walk this.

To be continued

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Dag 762 – The word behind ‘waiting’

Within my last blog I opened up some dimensions or aspects of the word ‘waiting’. What I see is that behind the word waiting, there is another word ‘waiting’ for me to open up; a word that is related to how I experience ‘waiting’ in certain occasions. The word behind it is the word ‘worry’.

I am aware of the information that as well my mother as my grandmother, did participate a lot in an experience of worry. My grandmother was – in my eyes – open about this, she called my mother every day when she was older and living alone after her husband passed away. My mother was keeping it more inside from my perspective though was also showing it. An example is that she for example could not sleep before I arrived at home in the night as a teenager/young adult. But, if she knew I was sleeping somewhere else, she did sleep. So here I see it is also related to a ‘waiting’.

I did experience resististance to this ‘worry’ about me during that time, however I do very well understand it now more and more and how it is not so easy to direct oneself in this experience. I see myself worrying the most when I do not have information about a certain situation. So when for example someone who is close to me, is not approachable and I do not have the information about what is going on and so I have to ‘wait’ for more information or communication, then the experience of worry is coming up. Or when an animal is becoming sick and I am not yet sure what to do or what is goingand what the outcome will be, I start to worry.

What I already see is that it is related to a lack of insight and information that gives the experience of worry within me and then a fear of loss is coming up. Here I start to participate in the experience – or let’s say even ‘state’- of waiting, as a waiting for the information opening up so that  I can make a plan of approach and direct myself in this. In this time of not yet having the information, I start participating in a ‘state of waiting’ and ‘not finding myself’ being able anymore to focus on something else and so to direct myself in this. I become then completely occupied in/as a mind-state or experience that is influencing who I am and what I do.

When I write this, I experience it as ‘impossible’ to really change this in myself to no longer participate in an experience or state of worry in a way that influences me on who I am and what I do, however in knowledge and information and from a point of common sense, I know it is possible to learn to direct myself in this, altough I do not yet see how this will be. So I can only work with the tools of now opening up this programming within me, within the writing and then starting with self-forgiveness on this deep ingrained experience of worry behind the waiting. Where I then actually am ‘waiting’ for myself to direct myself, so within an experience of worry, I am ‘waiting’ as well.

In next blog I will open up more within the application of self-forgiveness on the experience of worry and from here, see the next step in this process. Let’s start with making the ‘seemingly impossible’ possible; by walking into the unknown of how to do this, yet having the tools of self-support to guide myself in this.

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Dag 756 – Gentle – being it or living it?

In the morning I usually look into myself how I wake up that day, I describe it for myself and then I see with what word I can support myself in that day. I have noticed that I am able to keep myself more stable throughout the day if I do start with a word in the morning to live. I tend to forget the word during the day, but even then – I then in moments look it up where I have written it down – I am still more stable within this day. So I keep doing this, as a start to learn to direct myself with the support of living words.

Last week in the end of the day, I was in a conversation that did not go so smooth. I was trying to bring forward some points of responsibility and another was sort of resisting this and bringing up distractions, what I then started to react to. This went on for a while and in a certain moment I remembered myself, ‘okay, what is the word that I picked this morning?’ I luckily! did remember the word: gentle.

So in that situation, I realized that gentle is what I need to bring forward and be here and integrate and I immediately could embody this in this interaction. This gave an immediate release for myself, as I here remembered also that I did not need to be so ‘strict’ and that I better be gentle and see where we are each standing in our ‘life-process’ in general. So this word did support me to slow down and be more gentle. I picked it up as being more gentle towards another where it then had/has the result that I am also more gentle within myself, because within doing so, my own reactions will stop and so, I am much more gentle towards myself as well. So in this context it works two ways, what I bring forward towards another, has an effect on myself as well and what I bring forward within/as myself, has an effect on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle from the start within a conversation and within this, bringing up reactions within myself and/as another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a living word as ‘gentle’ in the morning to infact be gentle and not being gentle in and as myself as a starting-point in the conversation that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to push a point through within another, instead of pushing myself through my own reactions and to be gentle in and as doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider to be gentle at first and actually want a point of responsibility to immediately be clear without having any strubbeling or resonances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle to in a way ‘protect’ myself against the effect that the strubbeling/struggle and resonances have on me and against the reactions coming up from here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am gentle, things will never be understood or clear and also that when and asI am gentle, people will walk over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be gentle because ‘people are also not gentle with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought stored within and as me that ‘people are not gentle with me’ without conscious having any relevant memory linked to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘people to be gentle with me’ but not doing this myself, as well inside as outside or, I do as if I am gentle but at the same time, experiencing reactions within me and so not being gentle with/as myself towards myself and feeling like I am ‘lying’ as well towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really and always want to be gentle and to not like to be tough or hard or rude, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am or can be hard, rude and tough and forget about being gentle in moments that it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that gentleness does not have any ‘borders’ and so, nothing will be a accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I/we need ‘borders’ and if we do not have them, the borders will be crossed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘having borders’ menas automatically that they can be ‘crossed’ and so, more practical is to investigate what borders I have created in/as my mind that I feel ‘walked over’ within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘be’ gentle instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can ‘live’ gentle in and as myself, without neceserrally being it as if I have no choice in this.

I realize that I can in this way, move or direct myself into a word and live this as a decision in that moment that I see is best as direction for all in this moment/situation which includes myself or best as direction for myself, which then incudes all selves.

I realize now that by ‘always wanting to be gentle’, I take away my directive power in and as myself, meaning, I take away the decision to live a certain word/quality and so, I disempower myself in this because I then would not be able to live a different word that may be needed in a certain moment or situation and so I am actually ‘being stuck in gentleness’ when this may not be the best way to create a certain outcome, where my starting-point is then already one of disempowerment and so the outcome will disempower me as my directive decision and if I disempower me in this directiveness in and as myself, I disempower another in his/her directiveness as well and so, I enlarge the resistance because, who wants to feel disempowered?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by ‘wanting to be always gentle’, actually create the polarity within me as well as ‘not being gentle’ as protection-mechanism, to protect in fact my own illusion of gentleness.

To be continued.

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Dag 753 – Opening up the word ‘challenge’

I have noticed within myself that I ‘do not like’ challenges; well, challenges that I see as challenges, for example in social context. The word challenge in itself I also do not like, I would prefer to skipp it from my vocabulaire lol which then indicates that I would like to skipp the challenges from ‘living them’. However this I find not to be best for myself (and others as well) because within challenges, I will be able to expand and, it is more that only in certain situations I would like to avoid the challenge where in other situations, I do not even notice something as a ‘challenge’. So, let’s see if I can ‘skipp’ or ‘delete’ some of the energetic charges that I have attached to this word and to the living of it and how I experience myself within a social challenge for example, instead of ‘skipping’ or ‘deleting’ the word itself. Then from here, I can see how to support myself within and as this word in a way that I am better able to embrace and live it without fear and resistance attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost feel like wanting to cry when and as confronted with a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable within a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance immediately when and as something is mentioned as a challenge, where in many cases I do what is needed no matter what and so, I do take on the challenges to push myself through the resistance and fear.

challenge

uitdaging

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative association/picture coming up with the word ‘uitdaging’ as the Dutch word for ‘challenge’, where in I see it as if I am challenged through other kids to do something that I actually don’t want to do / ik word uitgedaagd door andere kinderen om iets te doen wat ik eigenlijk niet wil (Dutch); something on a school yard and then within a situation with a negative approach of each other, tending to ‘bothering’ and judging each other, instead of supporting each other to do something better or different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘judgement’ to the word ‘challenge’ and so, expecting that within a challenge, I will always be confronted with judgements and so, I do not like to be challenged as I do not like to be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘conflict’ to the word ‘challenge’ and so I do not like to take on a challenge as I do not like conflict to emerge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already approach the word ‘challenge’ within conflict and judgements within and as myself and so, also the challenge in itself I will then approach within conflict and judgements attached, which then will give an outcome of conflict and judgement because this is my starting-point determining the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like ‘to be challenged’ but rather prefer to make my own challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word challenge or ‘to be challenged’ with something that I ‘have to do’, that I ‘must’ do, otherwise I would ‘loose’ and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word challenge within a polarity of winning or loosing.

What I do like in the Dutch word is the word ‘dagen’ which means ‘days’, but which also means that something starts to clear up / iets begint te dagen (Dutch).

So, here I can then see it more as coming ‘out’ (‘uit’ in Dutch) a specific programming in/as the mind where the physical reality starts to ‘clear up’ and so, more clarity, more of myself as my beingness can come forward and being lived.

I leave it up to here for now and will open it up more within myself in days to come.

To be continued


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Uil forgive

Dag 750 – 29. Care as motivation

This blog is related to record 29: Care as motivation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘having a child’ and/or ‘being in a relationship’ must be ‘taken care of’ before I actually and really will be able to take care of myself in and as life and/as life as a whole, where in my self-interest – showing it’s face in ‘emotional experiences’ of ‘unfulfilled desires’ – is ‘leading me‘ or better said ‘controling me’ where in I also not take care in what is best for myself and so, I keep myself actually prisoned or controled within my own emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself locked in within the control of my emotional experiences of unfulfilled desires in which I believe that ‘I can not live without’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not live without that what I desire, where I use this actually as a distraction within and as myself, in and as my own mind as a belief that I can not live without the control of my own mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions, as this then ‘feels like I die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I will die’ without having a connection within and as my mind where in I channel myself into certain desires, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this I project my own mind in the ‘state of death’ or ‘sleeping state’ that I exist in within this moment while participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions and following and believing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as my mind within polarity that lead up to ‘a death end’ when the energy of polarity runs out, instead of looking at ‘living words’ that are best for all, including myself, that I can assist and support myself with and ‘breathe’ myself into life with, step by step, day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired here without exactly seeing what and how I do ‘hold onto’ certain experiences related to ‘love and relationships’ and what this ‘gives’ to me.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fear, related to a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear is an experience of the other side of the coin of the experience of love and that I may have gone into an experience of love, to not ‘feel’ the experience of fear or ‘uncertainty’ within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps go into an experience of love to not feel the experience of fear or uncertainty within and as myself.

I commit myself to slow down and look carefully into the experience of fear within and as myself, within the realization that ‘fear of another’ is a thought in essence and so, there is a judgement as thought connected within and as myself, towards this ‘other’ as myself and so I also commit myself to realize that there is then most of time a self-judgement involved and so, I commit myself to keep on finding the thoughts as (self)-judgements and forgiving myself within, related to an experience of fear/love towards someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences in life as for example I do naturally like animals and so, this is a more easy motivation for me to ‘take care’, for myself and for life as a whole and that I still do experience quite some fear as resistance to ‘people’ which is because of how the mind consciousness systems are living out the inequality.

When and as I experience a fear as resistance coming up within me in interaction with another person, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am reacting to how an inequality is living out and that I ‘fear’ to keep standing and so, I somewhere judge myself in this fear and state of ineffectiveness or, I judge myself for the same thing that I do not yet see within and as myself.

I commit myself to embrace and forgive myself for my own inequalities in and as this fear as thoughts as judgements that comes up when and as an inequality is playing out and I commit myself to find and use a living word in which I make myself more effective and directed to what I see that is supporting me to stand up, to keep standing and stable in a way that is best for myself as well as for others involved, in the small moments of every day life.

Previous blog: 28. Learned a lot

This blog is connected to the last record of this serie of self-reflection on the years of my biological fertility. I have found it of great support for myself to walk it all through and share, to free myself from a certain ‘charge’ that I experienced to it all and while doing so, I could bring it back to experiences coming up within situations in current time and bring this into self-forgiveness as well.

Thank you for reading, listening and walking with.

I will continue with what is ahead and coming up within myself and my life to take care of, within and as myself, for myself and for life as a whole. It may only reach one or a few other beings at the moment, however I do understand that a ripple effect will take place that I/we may not yet see or be aware of, as every one who is taking responsibility is part of a one+one+one.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 745 – 24. Expecting another chance

This blog is related to record 24: Expecting another chance

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another chance and for this, not consider all dimensions as if it was only this moment, this one possibility that I have, to walk this opportunity that arised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually postpone an opportunity to give birth to life of a child, expecting that I would get another chance in a ‘better’ situation where I was better prepared, where this does not mean that I made the ‘wrong decision’ so to speak but more, that I better could have taken everything into consideration that I was able to at that moment and from here, making a well-considered decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on cycling in emotional experiences, related to a decision in the past and from here, wanting to ‘have another chance, to do it over’ so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is all a distraction from myself being here and creating my potential and effect that I can have for myself and others as well in this life, in and as care, from a starting-point of self-care and living this as an example and that this whole experience – it is not so much about the outcome in what I decided but more about what an impact it has had on my life that I can learn from and take with me, to prevent myself making the same ‘mistake’ again as a ‘missing’ of considering myself in all aspects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by expecting another chance, not living my life and myself as if it is the one life and moment that I have, here and today and using what is here to support myself and others to learn to live as carefull human beings, no matter if we make mistakes or missing a chance: this one aspect is what I can live in every moment again and again, as a decision of who I am and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use postponement and an expectation of another chance, as an excuse to not consider myself, here and now as a whole and so, to not give myself the opportunity to live and express myself in all aspects of myself in every moment.

When and as I see myself tending to postpone something that I fear to step into or towards, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I need to support myself and walk closer with and as myself so that I do not feel so lost within an emotional experience of fear.

I commit myself to stand closer with and as myself, to stand for what I see as principled living within and to walk with me, as me, slowly but surely forward with the support of breathing, self-forgiveness and living words as tools that I always have with me, in every situation and I commit myself to look more closely within myself what I fear and how to embrace myself in this and at the same time, how to push myself to move with and as the fear and what I fear within.

When and as I see myself repeating myself within emotions about a decision that I made in the past, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am focussing too much on the result, where in I miss myself in who I am and what I have learned in this specific moment and decision making and consequence.

I commit myself to forgive what I see as emotional and feeling attachement towards a desired result and instead, see how I that what I desire, can bring back to myself in my current reality in who I am now and see how I can bring myself here in expression with the support of the living and embodiment of a word and so, bring the desire in and as energy in and as the mind – to bring this back to my physical body into a practical and possible self-expression that is best for myself, my body and from here, for this physical life as a whole.

Previous blog: 23. Abusive relationships and dependency

Next blog: 25. Can a decision be wrong or right?


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