Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

Continuing on Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

(…)

After my twenties I started to bring down the going out and alcohol intake, up to now very rarely drinking a glass of wine. However with doing so, I had many years where I needed to find other ways to ‘relax from myself’ in a way and to for a moment ‘let go’. Which I must say, I did not really succeed in for quite some years. And so I did experience quite some moments of heaviness during my thirties.

If I look now at this ‘heaviness’, the first word that comes up in me related to this experience is ‘self-conscious’.

Like being too self-conscious, too conscious of myself, in what I say or not say, do or not do. Like I have locked myself in within my own consciousness focussed on my self and feeling ‘stuck’ in this, like a rabbit freezing in the light of a car. And this is what I could let go for a moment with going out and using some alcohol and hanging around, laughing and speaking with friends or dancing.

During my high-school years I had a best friend, and I went to her almost every day and with her I speaked about what was bothering me and she always sheered me up and supported me to relevate and when going back home, I felt better. But when getting older, everyone started to ‘build their own life’ and creating families and so the friendships were less shared and only coming together by ‘appointment’. And these years between 25-35, I have experienced the most struggling within myself because I could not really get up with the natural life-path of creating a family. And many of my ‘friends’ started to get involved in relationships and creating a family, where I could not relate to them so much anymore and I started to ‘feel better’ alone by myself or with others who walked a bit of a uncommon path.

Within this period I have learned to not scare as ‘resist’ the periods of depression and emotions coming up. I lived in a beautiful area within nature and with many birds outside around and I found peace and sense in a more nature-connected way of living. I noticed that a depression – the ‘experienced one’ as how I describe in my previous blog and not the clinical/physical ingrained one – is passing by. And this goes best if I am not running away for this experience, but ‘letting it in’ and investigate what is involved. It seems and feels like it goes on forever, but I have learned that it passes by and when and as I feel that it is pulling me down too much, I will ask for support.

The most frightening experiemnce in it I find that ‘I do not like anything anymore’. I have been in a period where I find I was drowning too much in a sadness and ‘not liking anything anymore’, where I went out for support – during that days I went to a couple who worked with series of Dutch flower remedies – and the lady simply said to me, without pointing it out too much but more in between other things that she was looking had – that I needed to find what I did like before and the way in which she mentioned this, immediately made me taking this in as something that is here and that I need to pick up. So not in a way of questioning it, like ‘is there anything that you like?’; but without any doubt or questioning within so as ‘data’, as something that is here. So she brought me back here actually and I immediately could find some simple things that I like.

When writing this, an experience is coming up of loosing myself, loosing control in a way over myself so I see that this experience that I had during using extacy (described in the previous blog), is still existing within me. It is like I access it while writing about this subject, which indicates for me that it is here to open up; I brought it here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like loosing control, loosing myself, as if I am not able to direct myself but that I need to follow this experience and as if I ‘need’ to loose myself to find myself, which may be true, however I do have the ability to direct myself with words, with actions, with being here in my body and so I do not need to stay and drown in this directlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need another to get me out of my own consciousness and at the same time, feel like I loose my directlessness when and as I am with others, which then in a way is a ‘lock in‘ from myself in my own mind consciousness system in a way that I did not see before as so ‘severe’ as so pertinent present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understand the severity of my own mind-consciousness system and the lock in of myself in it, where I did understand the severity due to how the world exists today and also how we each contribute and are part of it; however really seeing it within and as myself is a different story as I easily avoid to see how it really exists within and as me.

I also see another situation coming forward where I feared to experience a depression. It was when I was pregnant (before the abortion, see blog-serie) and here I feared a post-natale depression. Sylvie brought up that the experience of ‘depression’ may be related to attention more than to control. I will look into this for myself and how it is related, as it seems to be related to a fear of loosing attention in future periods. What I more and more start seeing within myself (so from knowledge and information towards seeing it existing within and as myself), is how the ‘attention’ and energy within this, is in essence related to money and/or sexuality in/as the mind and the question and opportunity within this (of how) to move beyond this, into ‘myself’ and towards and into self-expression.

This experience slowly opens up more and is still existing within me, so cool that I am bringing the topic here.

To be continued.

 


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Uil forgive

 

 

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Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

I have started the topic of depression in a vlog and want to share how I have experienced this in my life and how I supported myself through these experiences during that time. In this blog, I will start writing out some background information how I have experienced the ‘depression’ in my life.

I will start with an example of what I have seen as the difference between a clinical form of depression, where in one is unable to get out by oneself without any medical and specialized support and the ‘depression’ as phases in life where in one is still able to function, communicate, take care of oneself and finding ways of self-support, but more experienceing oneself as without any life-motivation and joy, which is as I see now, still present but more internalized and suppressed.  It is all based on my own experiences and so not absolute in when it is time to get support, as this is something that needs to be approached individual, however with describing my experiences, it may support to find some reference points in this.

I have seen myself going into being more ‘self-conscious’ and struggling with internal experiences and issues from the age of 13 and 16 – yet I am busy walking this within myself so I leave this for now. What I do see as a ‘severe’ form of depression coming up, was after I have used some extacy. It was the first time and last time for me, somewhere around my twenties. A group of friends planned to use this and initially I should not be with them, as I did already see in myself that it was not really something for me to try out. However an appointment that I had planned was canceled and so I choose to join them.

Why I mention that ‘it is not for me’, is that I did see a fear within me to ‘get stuck’ in it and ‘keep hanging’ in an effect of using extacy. However I did join because I did not want to be alone at home after my appointment was canceled – also not the best starting-point to join in.

We were at the home of a friend and all taking half or even quart of the extacy pil that someone of the group had picked up via some contacts. After about an hour, I felt like ‘cold blood’ in my arms, which for me actually is an indication that I had taken too much. I had a few moments of this ‘bliss’ or joy that I saw every one else going into and that is ‘common’ for using extacy, however my main experience was that of almost loosing control and seeing bad things happening in my imagination, like a car accident. Someone had mentioned that if one had a ‘bad experience’, one should start walking rounds. And so I did, together with one other friend who did not had much of an influence of this extasy. And this ‘saved’ me in a way; every time I felt like loosing control, we walked rounds from room to room, until this experience faded.

Next day I was working (dishes in a kitchen of a restaurant) and here from time to time, a very deep experience of depression came over me, altered with a few moments of this ‘joy’ as how I assumed it should be. In these moments of severe depression, I could barely focus on anything. I remember someone was showing me some earrings and I was focussing on watching the earrings as a way to keep myself together. It luckily only came up for 15 minutes and then faded away. If this would have taken longer, I don’t know how I would have come through. However it did not and so I was able to move through.  It seems like a disbalance or ‘drop down’ of serotonine and after a few days these moments stopped with only the firss day being so severe.

If this is what a clinical depression is experienced as, I can fully admit that in this, one is not able to function or come out of bed. I have not ever again experienced such heavy ‘shut down’ almost of myself. In my horoscope I did understand later, that there is some disposition for clinical depression, however because of where my moon is standing strong in the horoscope, I am and have been able to endure through the ‘heavy’ or dark times.

I did keep a fear for depression after this, where for example I did rarely smoke marihuana – which I also did not really like – I experienced a slightly same ‘loss of control’ and becoming more focussed on my own mind, so this substance was not for me eather to use. I did go out a lot during that days and the only substance I did do ‘well’ on and that I used to ‘let go’ in a way from being so self-conscious, was alcohol.

After my twenties I started to bring down the going out and alcohol intake, up to now very rarely drinking a glass of wine. However with doing so, I had many years where I needed to find other ways to ‘relax from myself’ in a way and to for a moment ‘let go’. Which I must say, I did not really succeed in for quite some years. And so I did experience quite some moments of heaviness during my thirties.

I will continue with this in my next blog.

In the links above in the text, you will find some interviews for self-support with regards to the experience of depression and if one place ‘depression’ in the search-area of Eqafe, there is more coming forward. Be sure to have medical/professional support (as much as is possible) when you see this is needed.


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Uil forgive

Dag 742 – 21. Opportunity to change direction

This blog is related to record 21: Opportunity to change direction

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change direction and to step into the unknown and within this, knowing that I have somehow ‘missed an opportunity’ for expansion within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not daring to change direction and stepping into a new area, where at the same time, I saw that it may have been too much expansion within the unknown without enough practical and grounded (self-)support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thorn for so many years between seeing a potential and living a potential and within this, feeling myself as ‘less than’ who I perceive in and as the mind that I can be, without really seeing, realizing and understanding the extensive process that is existing between seeing and living my potential that is not easily stepped in and walked as something that is most challenging for myself and everyone else to really walk in and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think lite’ about the challenging process of stepping into the unknown and within this, letting go of the control of my own mind-programming as ‘that what I know’ and through this ‘thinking lite/light ;-)’, diminishing myself in who I am within walking what I am physically able to in that specific moment and so walk moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through the eyes of my own mind and within this, create a ‘matrix’ or ‘breeding ground’ for ‘feeling less than’ and ‘feeling better than’ others in/as myself within comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through a separation of my physical stability as ability, within my emotional dependency as inability in/as the mind and so creating this emotional/mind dependency as self-inability in/as the physical and sabotaging and stopping my physical ability as potential to give birth to a child (and to give birth to myself as life as well).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and stop my own physical ability as potential to live, within listening to and living in and as my emotional dependency in/as the mind, instead of stopping my emotinal dependency in/as the mind and stepping into this physical doorway of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself physically and within and as self-expression from a starting-point of fear for the unknown, thinking and believing that I cannot make it, that I will fall into depression and fall apart and crash down if and when I would let go of this emotional dependency in/as the mind as the ‘one and only relationship’ that I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am right and make the right decision when and as I follow that what I know within my emotional dependency in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to hear another advise that is saying that I am allowed to reconsider my decision that I firstly made as a safe ground to walk on, although I do realize somewhere within that moment that I skipp a part of myself to invest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a possibility to skipp a part of myself to invest and thinking and believing that I ‘do come away with this’ and that I ‘can escape’ somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a dream as a ‘consciousness sign’ as a confirmation of my decision in safe ground and to not listen to a practical, physical advise from a friend who is opening up a dimension within and as myself that I have not yet considered, simply because I experience too much fear to open it up and rather stick to consciousness as what know and so, what I believe that I can control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to let go of my limited consciousness system if and when it is not or no longer at my advantage and to want to keep it when and as I think that it is or can be at my advantage and so, separating myself within this conflict of not standing absolute in equality and oneness as what is best for myself as live as a whole, this as a way to avoid the difficult and unknown parts within and as myself to walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk around the difficult parts within and as myself, thinking and believing that ‘I do not know how to do this’ but actually to avoid unpleasant experiences within and as myself (that I for example have connected to ‘not knowing how to do this’).

When and as I see myself participating in a thought of ‘I do not know how to do this’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am avoiding an unpleasant experience within and as myself.

I commit myself to allow myself to experience the unpleasant and within this, using the tool of self-forgiveness and breathing, to walk through and see what opens up as possible solution and I commit myself to keep pushing and walking, no matter how slow it goes, no matter how tired I feel or really physically am; this can not be an indication to not push through but even more an indication that I need to keep pushing because ‘going back’, is not an option, where in I realize that this is part of the birthing process of birthing myself as life, in and as the physical, walking through all tge layers of consciousness and taking responsibility for how I have separated myself within all these systemized dimensions.

When and as I see that I ‘think lite’ of the challenging process of stepping into the unknown as no longer following consciousness programming and letting go of a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the theory is easy but really walking it is a different story because in many layers, there are stored unpleasant experiences as moments of an experience of ‘loosing control’ as misunderstanding of what is happening and here I need to walk backwards through these experiences one by one, to be able to forgive as understand myself in this specific experience so that from here, I enable myself to change into a way that is supportive and best for myself and/as others that are involved as well.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself within the constant and consistent application of breathing, writing and introspection within self-forgiveness as self-understanding and to do this with perseverance, to be able to stand and keep standing within the moment, without taking control in/as the mind and then seeing what opens up, no matter if I fail or fall or apparently not am moving myself and no matter how miserable I experience myself for a while or certain timeframe –  and so, I live and ground myself in and as the word perseverance.

When and as I see myself judging a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that judging in itself is a form of control as the only way that I have learned and seen in and as the mind to try to solve things, when actually the judging in itself keeps the door closed for possible and livable solutions.

I realize that the unpleasant experiences are actually coming from an idea as judgement of how things should be.

I commit myself to start with naming and forgiving the experience that comes up that I find unpleasant, in the moment that I see myself judging a control-mechanism and to name and forgive the idea as judgement within and as myself and I commit myself to first become stable within this and from here, see what needs to be directed within the situation itself that I then can open up without ‘being upset’ and ‘feeling controled’, because then I have already directed myself and so, no longer controling myself with an idea and unpleasant experience and I commit myself to keep on practising this self-stability because,

this in itself is already a change in direction within and as myself and all these little moments of apparently loosing control, are opportunities to change direction, within and as myself.

Previous blog: 20. Searching for the life within me

Next blog: 22. looking back without considering the mind

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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 722 – 10. The fruit isn’t really gone

This blog is related to record 10: The fruit isn’t really gone

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I cannot believe what I have done to myself’ by doing this curettage to take out the fruit from my uterus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do something that I did not really/deeply want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I was taking away a beginning of life out of my body and by not really realizing what I was doing, I gave my power, my self-directive power, so my ‘lifeforce’ so to speak, away to reasons, excuses and justifications in/as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel myself more into my mind by giving away my selfdirective power as ‘this is what I want and who I am and what is best for me’ and so for life as a whole, by making decisions that are not considering all dimensions that I am aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore a glimpse of my awareness and within this, give away my strength and my ability to act according to what I am aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my control, my ‘power’ to enforce a decision in/as the mind, to misunderstand and mix this up with ‘what I want’ and ‘what is best for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take control over myself in situations where in I feel like loosing control, meaning like loosing sight because things come forward that I have never walked before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the possibility of taking direction over myself and how I would like to develop a relationship with my child, different than how the relationship between me and my mother had developped and so, because I feared repeating this same pattern again, I could not allow myself to ‘loose control’ so to speak and continue with this pregnancy and so, the best thing that I saw for myself to do was taking control over this situation and stop that what I had initiated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first be content with this decision to stop what I had initiated and to later on, got stuck within this initiation of what I deeply wanted but without considering all dimensions, and after this, stopping what I had initiated because of again, not having considered all dimensions that now came forward within this initiation and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck within the control in/as my mind in moving forward and holding back at the same time, not being able to effectively move myself through this encryption in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to move through this encryption so to speak and take direction within and as myself within a situation that I have initiated.

When and as I see myself deeply wanting something, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I need to investigate all dimensions that I can see are involved so that I can move myself effectively within a direction to create what I deeply want, this in a way of considering all and everything that I can see that is involved.

I commit myself to no longer ignore what I deeply want/would like to create but instead, investigate all the dimensions that I see that are involved and opening up and from here, walk into this creation in a way that is best for all and everyrhing that I can see that is involved and to adapt along the way, when and as I see that this is needed.

I commit myself to allow myself to initiate that what I deeply want in a way of considering the life within, in what is or will be involved, including myself and my own capacity on a physical, mind and beingness level so that I am sure that I am able to stand and keep standing in that what I initiate.

When and as I see or experience myself as ‘being stuck’, within the experience itself or already reflected within and as my physical body in my large intestine, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my physical body, my large intestine is bringing this experience forward, however it doesnot mean that I ‘should stop’ what I have initiated because it can be bringing up old, related memories of fear that I have not yet walked through effectively and so, my mind consciousness system, integrated within my physical body, is bringing up it’s way of control as fear to ‘make myself stop’ as how I have programmed myself in the past. I realize that my mind doesnot say ‘that I should stop’ but it does more point out that I have to look at certain memories that are stored within my physical body.

I commit myself to relook at my initiation and if and when I see that I am sure in it, to look at the physical experience of ‘being stuck’ and see what equation I have created in the past that I need to forgive and change, this because this equation is no longer serving me in and as life  – as how it had served me in a way of ‘protection’ in/as the mind, which is actually a way of control but still, during that time, it served as protection  that is now no longer needed because I have developped more awareness, support and strength within and as myself.

I realize that a change in the outcome, will ask for a change in the equation, otherwise I become ‘stuck again’ within a polarity, within giving myself contradictory messages and so, I commit myself to forgive the old equation that have protected me in the past and from here, change it in a way that it serves myself as life in the outcome that is best for myself and others involved.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘undefined’ fear that I can not really point out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my mind is bringing forward an equation that it now fears to loose, as something that has served as ‘protection’ in the past and so, a part of myself that is channeled and participating in/as the mind, is trying to keep control and protecting itself in this point.

I commit myself to hold myself and to find the equation that is no longer serving me, to name the experience and to forgive myself and to ask for support when I do not really see what equation is coming up so that from here, I can move myself through this accumulated experiences from memories that I have recreated over and over again in the past and from here, change the equation towards principles that support the outcome that is best for all which means principles that support an outcome that is best for myself and others involved, working together in and as life.

Now, Understand that – the Creation of this Reality, in the Form that it now Exist, as Living Words / Living Pictures: took Billions of Years. In those years – the Creator Gods obviously Protected their Trademarks. That means, ‘the How’ they Programmed this. And they Encrypted it, not with 256-bit Encryption – but say with 256 Trillion-bit Encryption on Each Point. They left only One Point open that they couldn’t Encrypt – there was only ONE thing they couldn’t Encrypt, which was: Equality and Oneness as what is Best for all Life. Everything else – they Encrypted.

From: Day 300: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)

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Previous blog: 9. Ignoring some signs within myself

Next blog: 11. Not wanting to repeat a pattern


Proces van zelfverandering:

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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/