Dag 774 – Coming to an understanding of a character

For many many years in my life, as long as I am interested in relationships, I have pushed back and forward within myself within the polarity of wanting a relationship and then finding out that I can not (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it or another cannot (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it. And everytime I am looking for reasons within my own mind for why and how and what I can do more. What I see deep within me is that I on some level, start within a point of compromise and then I am not able to bring myself within the relationship, to a point of self-honesty and equality and oneness, in and as myself, while moving together to this point.

Af friend said years ago to me like ‘Ingrid, maybe you first need to find your own strength before you will be in a raltionship that you are satisfied with’ (or something like this). Here I also saw that this is real what she mentions, like this is the key, however I also found it quite daunting because I felt a lot of fear to walk this path – fear of never being able to walk with a partner on long term in and as the believe that ‘nobody wants to be with me if I do that’.

So within me I had always an idea of equality and oneness and that this is needed and what I am looking for in partnership, however I found myself time after time unable to bring this in reality and also to even speak about it from the start in a stable and clear way, also out of fear that another would not step in or would not stay. And so I walked many situations with every time the same pain when it did not go as how I would like it to go.

Within the past 6-7 years walking the Desteni I Process, I have found what I was looking for in standing up within principles that are considering myself, another and life as a whole and even more, how to practically move myself into this stand. Before this, I was not aware of how many layers I have build up within me where in I am actually ‘preventing’ myself from living my utmost potential – layers that I have stored in and as my mind-consciousness system and then integrated within my physical body and so, I am living this out in my physical reality because it has become a part of me.

This al together – which sounds like common sense and like ‘hey, easy, let’s do this’; which is not because the layers have so much integrated within all that I have become and so it takes time and effort to walk through, in writing, in the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and then walking the correction in physical reality – this all together brought me to the realization that I do not need to let go of a relationship or to let go of the potential to walk together yet alone, but I need to let go of…………a relationship-character.

I probably have created this as my main character where in I have created the most consequences for myself and indirectly for others as well in this. The consequences for myself have been mainly emotional an then manifesting all the emotional patterns within my physical body and so affecting my physical body and organ-functioning.

At the moment of this realization, that I could come to in a conversation with Sylvie, the intens emotional pain decreased. This is also showing how supportive it can be to speak things through within integrity and especially if both are walking the process of self-realization more actively. This will be of support to understand self and each other and keep standing in finding solutions that are life-supporting on long-term. With this realization I enabled and supported myself to pick myself up and move on. I now mainly need to focus in keeping myself together, focussing on my breathing, moving myself physically and not going again and again in this emotional state in moments that I feel the emotions lingering within me – which is many times a day. Every time realizing like ‘okay I am not loosing anything but a character that is not needed or beneficial for me anymore’. Because it is so easy to fall back or keep falling in believing the emotions and feelings to be real and then following up on them. Strange enough it makes me nervous and it feels like ‘I am doing something that I am not allowed to do’- like stepping out of a ‘code’ or something.

This is actually what I / we are doing in the Desteni I Process – getting to know myself in the characters that I have created and then layer by layer, peeling off the ‘false energetic identities’ that I have taken on through my life for a reason, to enable myself to bring myswelf through in a substantial way, into self-expression. I have hidden within this ‘identities’ and so made myselfkind of ‘stuck and imprisoned’ within this by my own acceptances and allowances and to ‘come to myself’ again, I need / needed to forgive and correct all these layers as identities.

I must say that only by now when writing this out, I start to understand what ‘characters’ are and how the layers in and as my mind, are build up from identities that I have taken on and integrated within/as myself. Because I have become this one main-character, it is not so easy to see what I have build up around and as myself, because I have become it. However this did not stop me from starting my Desteni I Process seven years ago and along the way, I start to see and understand more and more. I have learned through my life the importance to start with what I do see and understand and then walk from here into a deeper awareness that is infinite in a way, because I am expanding in it.

So a ‘not (yet) understanding of everything’ can not be an excuse to not start with what we do understand in that moment.

A walk into understanding to be continued.

Thanks for reading and walking with!


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 711 – 1. Introduction

This blog is related to record 1. Introduction

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as ‘too intimate’ to speak about the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘one does not talk about these things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the process that I have walked as a waste of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame about compromising myself in the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear of being nailed to the pillory when and as I openly speak about the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to talk about and think ‘why should I share this, it doesn’t matter so much’, while at the same time I see that it does matter, that for me it is a way of support to open up and walk through the details and points to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I share is so ‘child-like’ and that there are more important things to share and that ‘others are sharing more interesting processes’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share because I notice within myself that there are some energies related in and as the mind and I don’t want to share from the mind in and as energy, I want to share as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel some emotion coming up at the end when I listen to myself speaking that it is not really possible anymore to bear a healthy child (because the period of fertility is at it’s ending) where in I do not even would define it as ‘sadness’ but more as a ‘loss’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret for not having been able to full-term a pregnancy and give birth to a child – for not having the tools for self-support and being able to effectively support myself while I was in the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I have walked is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could have done better.

When and as I see myself participating in a thought as belief of something being ridiculous or not important to share, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in a sabotage pattern within myself that I better not participate in as this is preventing me from sharing anything from and as myself. I realize that within the small, there is an opportunity to transcent because, we start creating ourselves and our lives from the small. I realize that I cannot directly share from myself as a being, as first I need to walk through the mind and take responsibility for the energies coming from thoughts, feelings and emotions within me and so, while walking and sharing, I will slowly see myself coming through as me as directing this process. I commit myself to walk through all the records and apply self-forgiveness on the energies coming up and coming through and from here, use it as self-support to stop the related separation within and as myself and coming more towards and into expression as myself.

When and as I see myself going into a thinking of it not being good enough what I have walked, I stop and breathe. I realize that everything that I walk is ‘good enough’ as it is how it is and that it is not so much the outcome that determines who I am but what matters, is who I am within and how I take responsibility for myself in it within the small aspects. I commit myself to walk with what is here within and as myself and take responsibility for who I am within what I walk, from the small to the big.

When and as I notice an experience of something being ‘too intimate to share’ within me, I stop and breathe. I realize that we are not used to openly share about what is really going on within ourselves and I realize as well that what I share in relation to the years of fertility and the process that I have walked, is something that many women can to some degree relate to and as well for men, it can be supportive to better understand what the women may go through and so, it is a very common thing to speak about that may be of support as well for others who are also experiencing it as ‘too intimate’ to share or speak about.

When and as I experience a regret of not having been able to effectively support myself while being in my fertile years, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is the reality of what we as humanity have accepted and allowed on earth and within and as ourselves to exist and create and so, I as well walk through less fortunate situations and experiences that are and were not optimum and that this is for myself to take responsibility for as a point to take on, for myself as well as for life as a whole and that it is about me standing within principle, no matter what happens. I commit myself to take responsibility for the parts in me and my life that were not so fortunate, to forgive myself and make peace with it and see how to put myself as point of support in this for myself and others and I commit myself to investigate how the experience of ‘loss’ is related to not being able to bear a healthy child anymore with regards to being at the end of the years of fertility and to take responsibility for it within this serie of blogs.

I commit myself to keep practising and sharing about the simple, daily points that we are all facing within ourselves during our lives, maybe in different ways but in essence the same.

Ooievaar 1 (4)

Next blog: Dag 712 – 2. Loosing stability


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

I have made a serie om soundcloud where in I describe what I have walked with regards to the period of my (physical/biological) fertility. It did become 29 tracks, all with a length around five minutes. It is really a serie as they go from one to another and sometimes referring to each other. I have created a playlist where the records are placed in a row and following up on each other. The tracks are numbered and easy to listen one by one but to place it in context, one need to listen to the whole serie.

For each track, I will write a blog where in I place the self-forgiveness on the points that I describe in the record and so, walking through time and taking responsibility for that what I may not yet have brought back to self. So the tracks will pass by again, one by one.

The motivation to create this serie is for myself to walk through and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within myself and in my actions and for the emotional and feeling attachements (if not already done). While doing so, I will place it within myself as a period of learning and understanding.

Another motivation is the sharing, because during that time, I would have appreciated to hear about such journeys, as support for myself. So that it may be of support for at least one other person who is experiencing a more troubling time during the years of fertility and/or while reflecting back on it; but also for everyone to expand in awareness and consideration of what is involved within our ‘hormonal system’ that seems so natural.

It is a personal sharing with the (main) aspects described as they are, where in I explain my point of motivation during that time, together with my view and perspective on it now. It may be a bit slow or messy sometimes where I search for words and ways to describe what I have walked and what I see within me, especially in the beginning tracks as I just started here with making records and English is not my mother language. However, when listening to the serie, the essence should come through.

Enjoy and thanks for listening!

Reflection on the years of fertility (playlist on soundcloud)

Next blog: 1. Introduction

Ooievaar36

Two related interviews:

I Died when I Couldn’t Have the Child I Dreamt of – Life Review

I Died when I Couldn’t Have the Child I Dreamt of (Part 2) – Life Review

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Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive