Dag 766 – What I find related to the word ‘abandoned’

 

Continuing from Dag 765 – Abandoned

Abandoned

After sitting with myself and the cats, speaking self-forgiveness on what is coming up within me while focussing on the area of my physical body around pelvic and lower belly area:

Ovaria’s; at the high of

Not feeling worthy as a woman without having children

Like failed

Not on a consiousness level but deep stored within me and even not knowing where it comes from, other then through generational lines and/or passed lives, from which I understand that what I live in this life is enough to take on, as in this life I live the same sort of patterns as probably in many lifes before and only by now I have the tools to step forward, to stand up in it for and as myself, with the application of self-forgiveness, self-correction and living words as the beginning of self-expression in this process.

An experience of ‘failure’ on a belief that I first took on as something that I needed to reach as how it is also placed in the world, as if the only way of living or passing life, is through giving birth through children instead, of birthing ourself as life from the physical in actively deciding within awareness who we are in thought, word and deed and living this decision as well. So ‘the world’ is mostly showing as if ‘building a family’ or giving birth to a child,  is the only way to ‘birth life’ and through trying to attempt this, I am missing myself as a real living being mostly and ‘missing the point’ completely in this state of survival.

Not having given myself the chance to really ‘choose’ or decide in this because of already taken on this belief and so follwing up on this, while at the same time noticing several hesitations in it, however still following up on this ‘automatic/programmed belief’. And within this, causing myself a lot of sadness and grief.

I stillcould feel this deep stored within me with still emotions attached (after a whole serie written about this that starts here). Feeling abandoned in this, feeling like ‘no man would stay with me if I am not carrying/have carried their child’. Abandoning myself within a self-created belief of failure.

Also, deep sadness for all the ‘homeless’ in this world including animals and the suffering from this. Homeless, also like abandoned.

Sitting with Snoo the cat from who I picked up (and confirmed without me sharing this, via someone who is picking up some signals from animals – this is not a ‘real communication with animals’, for some more information about this I would recommend the interviews that start here) that she would have liked to have little kittens but where is decided for her to get sterilized. Which in this situation (she lived as a cat from the street in Egypt and came via a shelterhouse to my house) and in this time where we live, is the best to do. However, these decisions are made without including the animals in it. Which I still felt sad about and I took responsibility for this experience of ‘guilt’ through apologizing as a human being, as asking forgiveness for humanity as a whole in who we are at the moment with regards to animals. This gave great release from the experience of guilt, within taking responsibility as a human being, for something that I did not directly do myself to her but the ‘species’ I belong to does within a world that we have all acccepted and allowed to exist within separation from life and so, I am responsible as well.

Additional self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my reproduction-system and ability to reproduce, related to the sex-system and love-system and within this, making myself myself inferior to ‘life’ as myself as life, within a separation of myself in an accepted and allowed belief in the self-created reality of the ‘love-system’ and the sex and reproduction that is connected within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to see and live myself as an individual and satisfied living being without ‘being related’ to a child and/or partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a failure if and when I do not succeed to maintain a pregnancy and/or intimate relationship, as if this are the only two ‘purposes’ in life to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on a deep level, tend to compromise myself for within my fertile years, an attempt in trying to get pregnant and during and after this, an attempt in trying to get or maintain a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the new and open area of giving myself and living a purpose within, as and for myself, that is not related to pregnancy/motherhood or a personal intimate relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it quite rediculous that I have accepted and allowed and accept and allow, so much distraction within and as myself by moving into and living out the love, sex and reproduction system, where in I at the same time see, realize and understand that within and embracing myself of who I am within this, I will be able to forgive, correct and change myself and the relationship with myself in this as a fundament for relationships with others and from here, ‘breathing life’ into myself and redefining love, sex and reproduction towards supportive area’s for myself and others as what is best for life as a whole, as an area to live, learn, grow and expand as individual and responsible living beings.

I notice that the left-bottom side of my large intestine is giving signals now of ‘pain’ or crampings, that is already here for minutes but that I at first did not bring into my awareness, so much am I used to this coming and going of these cramping pains and en emotion related to this that I have not yet defined and forgiven, however it releases a bit when now noticing and mentioning it.

Some words that come up: inferior, diminishing, unworthy, not allowed, accepted limitations, shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down and stop expanding myself after an attempt of fulfilling a pregnancy or relationship and so, making this area the ‘only way or possibility’ to expand within and as myself and here limiting myself in my individual grow and making myself dependent on the will and responsibility of another to grow and expand within a relationship and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my will to grow and expand, dependent on the will to grow and expand of (the presence of) a partner.

The overall word here: dependency

Which is something to bring back to myself as in self-dependency in and as the will to live and to stop the mind-dependency in and as the polarity of the energy-generation (as in for example the system of love, sex and reproduction).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in an experience of missing and distracting myself within this, where in I see, realize and understand how I create this experience within and as myself, through accepting and allowing a ‘building of relationships’ on the (unconscious) starting-point of the ‘love and sex-system’ and in the hope and expectation of the ability to transform this into an absolute unconditional relationship and sharing, where in the real missing is the missing of an absolute unconditional relationship with another human being, that I have channeled into the sharing of myself within the physical intimicy within ‘love and sex’ or ‘love as sex’ within a partner-relationship and so creating a dependency on each other on short-term, within and as the belief/fear and so judgement, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time’ in walking towards the individual starting-point of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and so judge, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge myself in my own will and ability to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility without another human being as a partner and from here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge a partner for leaving me and so, taking away the ‘free will’ of another in making their own decision in what to walk and how to do this towards a point of self-responsibility, as I restrict this to ‘staying with me’ as the only or ‘best’ way and so, becoming ‘forcing’ in this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fail’ by going into reacting from a starting-point of ‘fear of loss’ and here, start ‘forcing another’ who is picking up and reacting to this ‘force’ and then ‘going away’ and so I am ‘loosing the connection’ that I initially feared to loose and that I now co-created myself in reality.

From here I then go into an experience of guilt and finding as if I ‘failed’ and that ‘it is my fault’ that another goes in which I enlarge the ‘fear of making mistakes’ within myself where in I then enlarge the pressure within myself and reflecting this towards others as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all I am able to do, is taking responsibility for myself in this as how I here, bring a reaction back to self and realizing that if my reaction is causing another to stay or go, that this has to do with what is already going on inside themself that I have triggered with my reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost petrify myself within a fear of making a mistake and then causing another lo leave (me), up to the point where I cannot bear the pressure anymore of my own petrification and so, suddenly ‘lash out’ in a reaction with the result of that what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rsult of my own reaction as if it is all my responsibility and within this, trying to take ‘responsibility for two’ out of a fear that another is not willing or yet able to do this by/for themself and so walking away whenever I may react or make a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘staying with me’ or ‘staying with you’ above ‘taking responsibility for and as ourself’ and so, walk from a turned around starting-point which in itself, is doomed to explode and ‘break up’ because the foundation to build on and from, is not yet stable and constant in and as what is best for a life in and as self-responsibility.

And here, an experience of ‘being abandoned’ is created as being abandoned from a (soul?)-connection that is still origined from or connected to a belief or idea within and as the love-/sex-system as ‘being together for always no matter what’ and a fear of standing alone, so actually being abandoned from a continuation of an energy-experience.

To be continued.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Advertenties

Dag 763 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of worry

Continuing from Dag 762 – The word behind waiting with self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and get worried and to not want to face the fact as reality that there is actually something to ‘worry about’ because it is a problem and I do not want to face this because I fear my reaction to it when it happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘tiptoe around’ that what I actually see under the surface and to start worrying about when it comes up or when to opens it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill a ‘need’ within me and so, not wanting to see the problem that may stand in the way of fulfilling this need and so, I create the ‘need’ to start worrying about it because I somewhere, somehow know that it will come to the surface and play out and ‘break up’ between me and that what I want to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill that what I need within a way that seems ‘best for all’ where my starting-point is not yet clear, as long as I am dependent on what I want to fulfill and so, I create the opportunity to worry for myself within the certainty that one day, this what I worry about will take place and play out because under the surface, it is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that what I see in common sense and under the surface, will not take place, will somehow magically disappear or be solved in a way that I perhaps may have missed, where at the same time and within common sense I would be ‘quite surprised’ if it will not take place because this physical realm and life in it’s essence, follows certain ‘laws’ or ways that cannot be denied and how the mind consciousness system is build up in this, can also not be denied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hope’ that ‘the life within’ is already stronger than what I see with common sense and am aware of and so actually I am hoping for a miracle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘worry’ about not knowing what to do or how to step in or not step in at the moment that happens what I worry about and so I am actually worrying about ‘myself not directing myself’ in what I see that may assist and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to keep waiting or worry to not keep waiting and move on in a direction that I actually don’t want but that I feel like I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about me not having the influence that is needed or to not acting on the potential that I see that is needed and that I can or may have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having influence, out of fear of not directing myself and acting on what I see that may be the best thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in a ‘trial and error’ situation and to fear others as myself as well to get angry for this and at the same time, fearing others to get angry when what I do is not a mistake at all but triggering a reaction of resistance that is expressed towards me or even within me in and as myself as my own ‘backlash’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like moving through an invisible wall of a thick and densed cloud of resistance.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of worry, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am ‘waiting’ before that what I see that is under the surface, is coming up and that I at the same time, try to find ways to prefend it coming up, in a hope that it is not needed and that I do not need to go through the experience when and as it comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the point that I see under the surface because I cannot stand within the experience of fear and worry for my own experiences when and as it comes to surface and so, I rather ‘have it now’ but at the same time, want to find a way that it doesn’t need to come up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and pull towards that what I see under the surface and doing this within an experience of fear, worry and hope and at the same time, seeing that it is best and needed to come to the surface because then it is visible and so it can be forgiven and solved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and to blame others for consequences that I need to go through, as well that I think and believe that ‘others created’, where in I see now that the blame in itself is giving an experience of sadness and then me fearing the experience of sadness that comes up within the consequence, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this experience firstly within myself by going into blame towards others and then trying to ‘prevent’ the consequence to play out by opening it up on forehand, while I still speak within a subtile energy of blame and so the blame resonates within my words and behaviour where in I am actually creating the experience that I fear, namely ‘to be blamed’ for the consequence that opens up (which then brings up the experience of sadness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be blamed for what I see, when I bring up what I see and so I tend to not voice myself about what I see, from where I more and more go into ‘blaming others’ for what I see happening but what I am not speaking about.

I commit myself to first clear myself from aspects of (subtile or hidden) blame before I voice myself about what I see and I commit myself to take responsibility for the consequences that I create or have created when and as I speak or have spoken or may speak in blame, by going back to the drawing-board within and as myself and looking at what I fear to experience when a consequence may play out (as what is needed to make things visible at the surface from the deep waters within), by forgiving myself for my part in it and by possibly supporting another when and as needed and within my capacity and stability as what is best for the live in it all to open up or ‘germinate’, within myself as others as well.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 762 – The word behind ‘waiting’

Within my last blog I opened up some dimensions or aspects of the word ‘waiting’. What I see is that behind the word waiting, there is another word ‘waiting’ for me to open up; a word that is related to how I experience ‘waiting’ in certain occasions. The word behind it is the word ‘worry’.

I am aware of the information that as well my mother as my grandmother, did participate a lot in an experience of worry. My grandmother was – in my eyes – open about this, she called my mother every day when she was older and living alone after her husband passed away. My mother was keeping it more inside from my perspective though was also showing it. An example is that she for example could not sleep before I arrived at home in the night as a teenager/young adult. But, if she knew I was sleeping somewhere else, she did sleep. So here I see it is also related to a ‘waiting’.

I did experience resististance to this ‘worry’ about me during that time, however I do very well understand it now more and more and how it is not so easy to direct oneself in this experience. I see myself worrying the most when I do not have information about a certain situation. So when for example someone who is close to me, is not approachable and I do not have the information about what is going on and so I have to ‘wait’ for more information or communication, then the experience of worry is coming up. Or when an animal is becoming sick and I am not yet sure what to do or what is goingand what the outcome will be, I start to worry.

What I already see is that it is related to a lack of insight and information that gives the experience of worry within me and then a fear of loss is coming up. Here I start to participate in the experience – or let’s say even ‘state’- of waiting, as a waiting for the information opening up so that  I can make a plan of approach and direct myself in this. In this time of not yet having the information, I start participating in a ‘state of waiting’ and ‘not finding myself’ being able anymore to focus on something else and so to direct myself in this. I become then completely occupied in/as a mind-state or experience that is influencing who I am and what I do.

When I write this, I experience it as ‘impossible’ to really change this in myself to no longer participate in an experience or state of worry in a way that influences me on who I am and what I do, however in knowledge and information and from a point of common sense, I know it is possible to learn to direct myself in this, altough I do not yet see how this will be. So I can only work with the tools of now opening up this programming within me, within the writing and then starting with self-forgiveness on this deep ingrained experience of worry behind the waiting. Where I then actually am ‘waiting’ for myself to direct myself, so within an experience of worry, I am ‘waiting’ as well.

In next blog I will open up more within the application of self-forgiveness on the experience of worry and from here, see the next step in this process. Let’s start with making the ‘seemingly impossible’ possible; by walking into the unknown of how to do this, yet having the tools of self-support to guide myself in this.

Desteni I Process


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 749 – 28. Learned a lot

This blog is related to record 28: Learned a lot

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ of ‘learning things’ and rather would like to start building something that is lasting and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not already building something because of walking through difficult patterns, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this goes hand in hand and so, ‘learning’ and ‘building’ can go together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘creating’ or ‘building’ is something nice and ‘learning’ in this context is mainly difficult and challenging and so, when I do not experience it as nice, I see it as only ‘learning’ or ‘walking through patterns’ and not so much as ‘creating’ and ‘building’.

Self-forgiveness on experiences that are coming up while a pattern is activated and showing it’s face / where I am facing myself within this pattern:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and blanko because of not being able to do anything anymore and so the only solution for now is leaving it and letting go of the control about what another is taking responsibility in or not and taking responsibility for myself in how I experience myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not believe’ how this can happen, how someone can do this and so, I am not standing equal and one with myself and/as another, where in I see now that I hide and suppress an experience of guilt that I have stored in my body as an expectation of a ‘need to be here all the time for another, 24 hours’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not possible and realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be here 24 hours a day for another which must be coming forward out of a mother-syndrom of always feeling like ‘not enough’ for the child, as there can always go something wrong when I am not here and that is then ‘my fault’ or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coming forward out of this self-judgement, going into my mind and from here, indeed not being here 24 hours but distracted within and as a form of self-protection, to not feel the emotions coming up as a reaction in certain circomstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paralized at the height of my ovaria and going down within my legs, like my legs are made of chewing-gum and not being able to move myself anymore to whatever direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself completely on another as in a mother-syndrom, looking after her child and without this focus, not being able to direct myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have protected myself against what I have perceived as the attention of my own mother and her worries about me and at the same time, copying this pattern and doing it myself to a ‘loved one’ that I ‘worry about’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move through and how to ‘fix’ this.

When and as I see myself going into worrying about a ‘loved one’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I worry about myself and not being able to be with this one anymore and/or to live without this one, where the worry is then actually ‘about me’ and so, I am not really effective in seeing what support I am able to give or stand, when and as that may be needed.

I realize that the patterns and play-outs I walk now, are of support for myself (and/as another) to stand on my own two feet in every situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘that it is too much, that this is not cool anymore, that I cannot have it anymore and that it is unfair that I need to go through all of this as I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only need to go through things if I do ‘something wrong’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘do wrong’, is taking projections of another personally as if it is about me and ‘wanting to take care of another 24 hours as a way to be sure to be together’ is an approach that is impossible and unrealistic, as we all need to stand on our own two feet and learn to take responsibility for our own mind and so, it are opportunities to bring the patterns that are stored deep within me to the surface, so that I can forgive and correct myself into a more realistic and so, more effective living human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that things will be allright if I ‘do not do anything wrong anymore’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind is build up and stored within many deep layers and that we are only free, when all are free and so, the pain will not stop until all are free as only then we will be able to communicate, to care and to work together effectively but at the same time I can push myself to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I realize that I do not understand a reaction within myself that starts with ‘I cannot believe this is happening’ and here giving up on myself and giving away my self-direction of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without the other and so, taking on more responsibility on my shoulders than is really my part which is then a distraction within and for myself from experiencing the pain of inequality, because as long as I am busy with the other and trying ‘to do good’, I think and believe that I can not loose the other or that I can not be blamed to loose the other and I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if another sees what he/she is doing, that he/she then will walk away and never come back and so I try to prefend this by doing the best I can to ‘fill the gabs’ and ‘always be here’, where in I see, realize and understand that I then actually go away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my reactions in living without the other and so I want the other to ‘always be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘learned a lot’ but still not really changed in this deep pattern of dependency within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to stand within the unexpectedness of life and within the only certainty of being with and as myself no matter what, meaning that I do not have control about an outcome but only about what I walk in and as myself and so, I do not have control about ‘staying together’ as there always can something ‘unexpected’ happen and so, I created a ’24 hours attention’ within and as myself and behind this an experience of guilt to keep myself busy with, as a distraction and illusion of control about ‘being/staying together’ as how a mother and child are connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a commitment to stand with in this but at the same time, expecting a commitment from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit to stand with myself as within this, I experience a huge fear to ‘loose another’ if I do so and I am not sure how I will stand with and as myself if and when I may ‘loose another’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not ‘fear loosing someone’, that I then not ‘love’ someone and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then hold on to the fear as holding on to my own thoughts as a ‘connection’ as actually a way of control in and as my own mind.

I commit myself to continue walking and finding ways to support myself and others in this, by keeping myself open and approachable for receiving and giving ways of self-support and preventing myself from speaking or acting in reaction (and forgiving/correcting myself when and as I do so) and within this, giving myself and others time to walk through the difficult parts within and as the mind, where in I realize everytime again that I can only keep standing within the principle of what is best for all, in and as life and that eventually within and as life, we are all united and no one will be ‘left alone’ anymore as here we are al(l)-one with ourselves in and as life, without existing in separation. Which is something that I now only realize in knowledge and information and that will take a lifetime to walk into in practical reality and so I move myself through the fears coming up, slowly and embracing/forgiving myself for what I experience in every moment, within and as self-support and support of one another.

I commit myself to look into the words ‘creating’ and ‘building’ and redefine this into a more realistic definition for myself.

I commit myself to walk ‘what is here’, in small pieces day by day and not too much going into a looking forward as then easily many things can come up as a ‘what if this and that go wrong’ where in I then fuell an experience of ‘fear of loss‘ within and as myself.

I commit myself to look into thoughts connected to an experience of fear within the realization of the information that ‘fear’ actually exist within and as a thought.

Previous blog: 27. Finding my stability

Next blog: 29. Care as motivation


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 741 – Can I learn to empathize?

Certain people are ‘by nature’ more empathic than others. It can be so because of how one has grown up; it can be pre-programmed. This doesn’t automatically mean that one is doing ‘what is best for all’ as then again, one can be for example ‘over-empathizing’ and forget to take care of oneself.

However, what if you notice that you do not really be emphatic by nature and so, noticing that this has consequences for others and for self as well? What if you ‘don’t feel’ what it means to be empathic, if you do not ‘feel’ what others may need for example and so, easily walk over others without even noticing?

I can start with an example of myself in this. I can say that I am empathic by nature, I also am a female, who often have learned to develop some empathic qualities. However I have also noticed an aspect within myself where I easily and automatically, could let someone ‘drop down’ or ‘fall down’, within the thought/believe that some can or should take care of that aspect within themselves, without looking further within their nature for example and seeing if they may need some support in this.

Within this, I did not ‘feel’ that I ‘wanted to help’, coming from a starting-point that we each should take care of ‘our own business’, as how I have developped this within myself. What I did feel in this, is quilt, for not being helpful enough, for not giving enough, although no one really had said such things to me. It was more existing on a subtile level where I somehow saw that I could do more but I did not (want to) do this and did also not know how to take this on. With the consequence that I also found it more difficult to receive ‘help’ from others as I found that I did not deserve this (because I was not giving it eather).

So this gave a subtile conflict within myself on the background that was interfering within my social interaction and communication in many ways.

I have in real time walked a path to correct this; first with animals, where I for years, have taken care of quinea pigs and rabbits that became older and needed a lot of support where I had ‘to give it my all’ to get them through as long as possible. I also have walked a relationship with someone who needed a lot of support that I ‘did not feel like giving’ and that I actually ‘did not really want’. But, I did, because then I already understood what it means to start walking by principle. Understanding meaning that I understood the theory of this.

With the animals, I had to step out of an experience of feeling paralized and not being able to take action, also related to a limited amount of money to spend for physical support and from here, not knowing where to start when an animal became ill for example. I have walked many situations with these beings and it was amazing to do this. What was supporting me here, is that I did want to do it for the animals as I really and naturally ‘like’ the animals but I had to step over idea’s of ‘how much you spend and do for an animal like a rabbit or a quinea pig’. Strange idea’s, as if these little animals deserve less care than a bigger animal or a human being. But there was also a fear of ‘not having enough for myself’ in this as a point of self-interest existing within me.

Within the relationship, I learned to walk it because I could see the consequences of what would happen if I would not do the best I could and especially I learned how this would reflect back on me within myself, staying busy with doubts and questions about myself, where experiences of guilt were keeping me busy and eventually ending up within the need to ‘go back and correct myself’ and do it over again. We can also call this a ‘timeloop’. I mainly experienced this whole pattern as a ‘fear of loss’ within me and so, the ‘fear of loss’ did have been the motivation to push myself to do better and still does in many moments – to eventually and while doing so, come to a point of creation, free from this experience inside myself.

But, I did not do this because it felt natural or because I naturally wanted this. I did do this because I had learned – while walking this relationship – what it means to walk in principle and I saw I could do better. So I did not need to ‘feel’ it but could make the decision to walk it anyway, to support another (and so myself) where I can within my capacity and of course from a starting-point of common sense,  to not ‘help’ another with things that another need to learn for self but to support where another did not yet have developped an effective application and where I did not have developped this as well and so, ‘supporting another’ was/is the development in itself for myself as self-support.

This is the great thing about principled living, that in the end, the self-support is supporting another and supporting another, is supporting self.

Why am I writing this blog?

To bring forward that if and when we do understand what it means to walk by principle and when and as we have made the decision within ourself to stand by this and do and develop this every day again, that it is possible to learn for example what it means to live ‘empathy’, not because we ‘feel empathy inside ourselves’ and whatever this may mean, but from a starting-point of ‘giving as you would like to receive’ and ‘considering another’ from a starting-point of principled living within equality and oneness, where every living being deserves to be treated with support where needed and where self-honestly possible.

When I had walk through all of this (it took several years all together), I did came back to my self-will about what I want, within my life, within a relationship and with who I want to walk this, while testing what is practically possible and taking the time to see who I am willing to stand by and walk with as myself and who is willing to do the same with me. However I did have to let go of personal preferences for several years, to be able to stand up and keep standing within my utmost potential and the challenges that this gives every day.

So, empathy does not so much contain an experience or a feeling – although it can be a starting-point for those who do experience this naturally. Empathy can be practically learned and applied within a starting-point of principled living as what is best for all. These principles, they can be described, tested and cross-referenced within a self-agreement and from this agreement with and as self, it can be expanded towards an ‘agreement’ with others (family, friends, colleques, intimate relationships), as simply ‘rules’ that are considering all participants in a way that does not leave anyone behind without being heard or seen but at the same time, supporting each other to create a self-responsibility and self-dependency where needed, to be and become able to stand on our own two feet.

There is much more detail to write about this empathy. Here is a link where one can start walking this agreement within and as self, by first understanding the theory of how we actually function as a human being and also a link to a document where the basic-principles are described and commited to stand by. Without this support, I would not have been able to stabilize and grow as how I did so far and I am very much still learning and expanding in this, still with the support that is available within Desteni and that is practical and applyable in our every day live.


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 736 – 18. Using emotional manipulation

This blog is related to record 18: Using emotional manipulation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to affirm the love and trust of another to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the point of responsibility back to myself as if I am only responsible for what I step into, where in I miss the point of responsibility for what my words and actions have as effect on another, using this ‘responsibility that each one has for oneself’ as an excuse as in that ‘this is the responsibility of that other and then that one should have better taken care of oneself’ where in I see that this is a ‘spiritual approach’ where in each is here to learn a lesson or something, instead of working together and considering all as equal as oneself and from here, see how to create a best possible outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one’s so called ‘love’ to fulfill my own desire, instead of supporting another to become more stable in a point of dependency and from here, stand equally together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step in and out someone’s life and starting with an ‘end-goal’ in trying to become pregnant, instead of firstly stand the test of time and see if both are willing and able to stand and walk together during a life time, as a stable platform to consider giving birth to a child and raising it within a starting-point of self-responsibility and so, creating the best possible situation to be an example for the child within and as self-responsibility as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the signs within me that I am not willing to stand the test of time and instead, try to fulfill ‘as soon as possible’ an end-goal, knowing that if it doesnot happen soon, I will not be able and willing to first walk through the difficulties before considering an end-goal as becoming pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I reflect back on it, actually am wondering how I could push this point as how I did, because the point of responsibility and common sense is so far to be searched in it and so, it is obviously that within this one point, I was far far away in an illusional resporduction-programminging in/as the mind.

Here I remember how a therapist in The Netherlands is stating that for ‘nature and the body’, the importance of existance and survival is gone after the fertility has stopped around the age of 44 and the hormonal status slowly starts changing (where he is using this as a frame-work to look at health-conditions in general and how to approach this), which I see reflected in my own mind as how I have lived this out, trying to fulfill this one goal, as if otherwise, it doesnot make sense to exist or something like that.

When and as I see myself participating in an inner experience of state as that ‘it doesnot make sense’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in a survival-programming in/as the mind that is physical integrated within the hormonal-/reproduction-system and so, it seems very real as the only reason to exist, as well on a mental/emotional level as being lived out on a physical level.

I realize that this is a realistic view because it is physical integrated and manifested through time and genration after generation, however it is also a limited view from a starting-point of how we have always existed in/as the mind consciousness system controling this physical existence with our beingness channeled into this limitation.

I realize that this will take time to forgive/understand and change and that this will need some more generations to fully see through and get to the the bottom of, because it is totally integrated within our physical bodies and how we have developped ourselves within, however I (and we) can start now within/as myself to see through and get to the bottom of it by walking through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole.

I commit myself to walk through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within, to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole and to from here, see what effect this will/can have on the physical body and on this physical existence as a whole, for myself in this life and for each other and generations to come, to open up and forgive my/our limitations in/as the accepted and allowed mind-programming and to from here, create a physical existence that actually does make sense, because when and as I/we do exist as life – meaning considering all living beings equal and one – life in itself and it’s expression, is the sense of it, as a practical, physical and living expression of what is best for all, no matter if one is bringing forward life in the form of a new born child or in many other options as a new born creation of our utmost potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to giving birth to a possible new born child than to a new born creation of my utmost potential within the practical possibilities that I have in this physical existence.

When and as I see myself comparing something that I live and eventually create or not live or create, to what another is living and creating, I stop and breathe.

I realize that by comparing myself in any way to another, I am actually already giving more value to that other than to myself in that moment and so there is something that I do not value within myself that I need to investigate for/within myself.

I commit myself to stop my participation in comparison and from here, see what made me do so and what I do not value within myself and I commit myself to understand and forgive that what I do not value within myself, to see if I can actually do better and so need to push and support myself more to bring myself here in expression or that I have a default idea about this something that I compare myself with but that is actually not realistic and from here, I can forgive and let go this idea and bring forward myself in a more aligned self-expression.

When and as I see myself or another, using emotional manipulation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that comparison is playing a role as when and as emotional manipulation is used, this means that there is a self-value missing and instead, the value is placed on something or someone outside self, which gives an experience and status of disempowerment with all kind of possible outflaws and consequenses.

I commit myself to find the point of responsibility that is missed within that moment, within myself and/as/or within another as myself and from here, see how to best support myself and/as/or another as myself, to understand this point of responsibility and so making it possible to within this (self-)understanding and/as (self-)forgiveness, stand up, equal and one within the responsibility that emerges in and as self.

16936317_1044737858964185_735548680_o

Previous blog: 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

Next blog: 19. Playing Russian roulette


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive