Dag 296 – Expressie en de Darm – How do I contribute to the most horrific events in the world

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on Living Alone

Dag 295 – Expressie en de Darm – Money, Survival and Limitation

Picture of a mask

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Picture of a (male) pelvis

I was watching the documentary of a Dutch woman Toos who is used and abused extensively for sexual rituals where in high members of royalty and church are named as involved.

It is a horrific story, and at the same time she is telling nothing new. What happened to her is what I always experience somewhere on the background as the greatest nightmare that could ever happen to me and every human being and so within this a great fear. So she named all the events one by one, that all are build up from physical torturing and sexual abuse from top till toe, where no respect is left. It is a complete abuse of the physical and of the being.

Now how can I be scared for this and how can I recognize everything she is telling? I have not been in situations like this, I have not seen movies about it, actually I didnot even now from direct stories that this is existing. And still, this fear and this experience of total abuse from top till toe is part of me as long as I remember.

Let’s say that from an age of around 6, maybe earlier but not younger than 4, I experience myself somewhere like this. And since watching the documentary I am wondering, isn’t this all triggered because of starting masturbating. Isn’t this the unconsiousness system that is starting loading all this information while masturbating?

I am consious that I have seperated myself from the unconsiousness awareness. As this is something that I donot want to involve with, that I donot want to belong to. Not realising how I probably have activated this all by myself, within an experience of an orgasm that I liked, and that I repeated in my life. Not extensively, but enough to get involved.

I always have accounted this experience to something ouside myself, as there was something outside myself that had abused me (even though I didnot find anything for real, as there have been taken place some abusive events but not so extensively and not really physical; most took place within words or within the lack of words – which is also physical). So I could not find something that is so extensively. However, I didnot consider how I involved myself within this experience, and within this, abuse myself as a being from top till toe, in starting participating in and energetic sexual experience in/as the mind.

I donot say that events in childhood do not have influence on this experience, I only say that I didnot consider my own participation within the unified consiousness field in/as unconsiousness by starting masturbating and uploading energy and information from the unconsiousness of humanity as a whole, and so distributing to this unified field by generating energy within masturbating. And so creating and accumulating thus enlarging my own experience of fear, which is actually my own mind system in/as fear as the mind exist in/as fear. Not knowing how I, witin this, contribute to the situation of this woman Toos, which has lived for 8 years in the most horrific shadow side of the unified consiousness system of humanity, where this total abuse and torturing that we cannot even imagine – and at the same time all do imagine – is physically taking place.

This whole unified consiousness system is interconnected very specific and complicated and this is only one insight form myself, where in I start taking self responsibility for my contribution to the dark side of humanity that physical takes place, although it is ignored and denied by most humans in daily life.

It is also connected to the elite in this world – people in control with money – which has a direct connection to the control that take place and that we as humanity as a whole allow and accept to exist. This control is direct visible in the inequality in this world as the unequal distribution of money and within this the unequal distribution of life-circumstances as food, water, house and education. Which we all take for granted, as this is how it is, without ever really investigating how this horrible events and situations could ever have manifested in this world. Because if we start really investigating the source of the abusive world where we live in, we come to the final point which is the source as the startingpoint of this horror story that we live in, which is:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the most horrific events of sexual abuse and physical torturing and humiliation that we can imagine – and we all know how bad our stories in our imaginantion are – by participating in an activity of energetic masturbation, in which I only experienced a feeling that I liked, and so which I wanted to repeat, without knowing and being aware of the energetic contribution that took place within this to upload the unified consiousness field and within this to the systems of control within this field; without noticing that I was oploading my own consiousness field within this activity of masturbation, loading information that we cannot even imagine but that we do imagine every day,  and accumulating and enlarging my own experience and existence in/as fear in/as the mind as consiousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a source outside myself was the cause of my experience of extreme fear for this ‘dark energy’ – like I am hunted by something – without seeing, realising and understanding that the source and cause is manifested within myself and accumulated and enlarged by an activity of energetic masturbation that I found out by coincidence and that I experienced as a nice feeling that I wanted to repeat, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat and upload this energetic system within and without myself in/as the mind as the unified consiousness field existing in this world in/as humanity as a whole, where this hunting by the dark side of humanity take place in physical reality within secret parties where they play a game of hunting naked children in the dark as a form of play of sexual abuse and physical torturing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loaded with this heavyness of/and fear all the time, my whole life at the background, without being able to relate this experience to the physical reality that I live in as this is a pretty stable physical reality from birth till now, and so I am confused by my own experiences of heavyness and fear and searching for causes outside myself and blaming every tiny little thing outside myself which I can find that maybe contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within blaming, I myself contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear within myself and keep myself locked within this experience in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for sexuality as long as I remember, as within sexuality, this experience of this ‘dark energy’ in/as fear, can be triggered and come over me suddenly, where in I devellopped a way to be able to have and really like sexual avtivity, which is when I am excited and so actually participating within this energy, and so experiencing the ‘light’ of this energy as the polarity of the dark side, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within this participating in/as excitement in/as a positive ‘light’ experience of this sexual energy, I automaticly enlarge and reload the ‘dark side’ of this energy and so I enlarge and reload the energy systems in/as the unified consiousness field in/as the mind in/as humanity as a whole, and so I contribute to the state of the horrific situations that many children are secretely involved in within sexual abuse and physical torturing, and at the same time, I enlarge and reload my own experience of fear within sexuality, which again I tend to suppress within a feeling of excitement, which I am aware of and that I no longer can and will allow that myself, and so I experience myself a kind of stuck within and as fear for sexuality and within this, fear for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from humanity as a whole by ignoring, denying, neglecting and suppressing the unconsiousness system within myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself in/as consiousness, hiding in positivity, in which I allow and accept myself to be unable to change myself in/as self-responsibility for myself as a whole.

When and as I see and experience some dark energy as fear within and as me, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here in the physical through breathing and touching some physical attributes.

I realize that I experience something within myself that is part of me as consiousness system in/as fear that is triggered somewhere within myself which probably is related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to investigate what triggers me to this experience of dark energy in/as fear as the dark side of humanity, related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to stop participating in energetic sexual experiences – which I already stopped for longer time, but from which I still didnot see the real harm that it can cause, and so, I was not completely motivated to stop it in totality, which gives situations of where I could sometimes see participating in this energy ‘through the fingers’, which is actually keeping a backdoor on a narrow opening to eventual be able to participate in positive sexual energetic experiences.

I commit myself to investigate the dutch and family origin, existing within and as myself,  related to this experience of dark energy, in which rigid religic patterns play a large role, to see how this is related to (suppressed) sexual energy and to suppressing physicallity in/as sexuality as a whole.

I commit myself to investigate how the experience of complete abuse from top till toe is created and manifested within myself, which is the relation to the topic of all this blogs that I write with the frontname ‘Expressie en de Darm/Expression and the Intestine’, as this experience of complete abuse from top till toe, I experience physically within the anus and within the muscles of the large intenstine as cramping and irritation, where in I lost my ‘innocence of being’ through the decision of participating in and as energy in/as the mind as consiousness system in a moment that I donot remember by consiousness, but that is of influence on me and humanity as whole, every moment, every day, and only by taking complete self-responsibility for myself within this, I will be able to eventual stand up in/as a human being in/as innocense as life – where in I write eventual as I am not sure if I will be able to recreate a complete healthy functioning physical body as time is limited, but where in I commit myself to walk process till this is done as this is what is best for humanity, for them who are coming and for Life on Earth as a whole, and so within this for myself as a human being.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)


Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series


What is Sex – OverView


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