Dag 796 – The effect of writing

Art by Andrew Gable

I have written a blog in Dag 794 – A moment of change where in I found out the following:

” So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.”

In this blog I took an example of drinking a glass of wine at home; however I have seen myself doing this in different situations where an ‘energy-addiction’ is involved – meaning where I want to experience something before I am willing / able to stop it. This is so I see now, actually a form of self-manipulation and when others are involved – as for example within starting a relationship before being totally clear on the possibilities of it – then it automatically includes a manipulation towards another as well, although my intention is not to ‘manipulate’. But my starting-point contains this – maybe subtle – energetic self-manipulation and so, my starting-point will determine the outcome and so manipulation will take place in some form. And what I accept and allow within myself, I will accept and allow in another as well and so the reflection of this inner self-manipulation will show itself in the situation and / or within another and often in a larger degree, so that I will not miss it.

After writing the blog, I noticed that I now have seen this point, this tendency to firstly ‘follow the energy before stopping and pushing myself to the edge before I stop’ and so actually….I am not able to accept and allow myself to do this anymore. So now, when I do see a situation where in I am not 100% clear or sure, I am not able to accept and allow myself to ignore the ‘nagging presence’ in the background and move on with it anyway, in some way ‘hoping’ that it will solve itself miraculously, because I now have seen, realized and understand that it will not solve itself miraculously but the outcome / consequence will show exactly that what I have ignored at first in my starting-point.

This is an example of how the writing out of one practical example – if and when done from a starting-point of self-honesty and self-direction – will very much support with this one general point / tendency in many occasions in my life. This also shows how resistance or even rejection can be experienced with regards to the writing, because I ‘know’ on some level that the writing will be effective and reveal some ‘energy-addictions’ that I accept and allow to distract or actually, manipulate myself with and behind this I find a ‘fear of loss’ of this energy and the experience that it is giving. This experience of ‘fear of loss’ is showing itself as very real, because I made it real, by living it at first, by ‘building a life’ on ‘this belief’ so to speak and so the effect may give an experience of ‘collapsing’ and ‘walking through hell’, as in letting go of the illusions that I was holding on to. Illusions meaning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, hopes, dreams and what more, that all seem very ‘real’ in the mind but that is not grounded in a realistic, physical foundation.

So with the writing, I am able to quantify my process and walk it ‘faster’ in a way. I mean, I will walk through all the illusions anyway, also by first following my mind and then needing to let it go again, which is ‘the hard way’ as the letting go can be quite horrible to walk through. With the writing, I do have a tool to support myself, to start preventing myself from following the energy, from following that what is actually not best for myself in self-honesty and so, not best for all in self-honesty. Also here, there is a moment of letting go – as how I described in the blog as well – but it almost directly includes a moment of change, because I did not build up so much layers around it, I did not attach myself in all these layers (that I need to walk back and detach myself from and this ‘hurts’ emotionally) and so the way is much shorter and much more stable.

This is actually what we have done through our whole lives – building layer after layer, following the energy and ‘building a life’ on false beliefs in a way, despite our intentions being ‘good’ in it. One can imagine that walking back does take time, dedication and persistence, as these layers are integrated in our life and our physical bodies. We have become it in a way and we believe that ‘this is who I am’. And, we all did this, we have build relationships on this and so we actually have build a world (through relationships) on this foundation from and within a manipulative starting-point (energy). And this is very much visible in the world and how we exist today in totality. For more context read Relationship Dynamics

I will continue with some self-forgiveness on this point in a blog to come.

As a short feedback after writing the mentioned blog: There are no thoughts coming up anymore in relation to drinking this glass of wine when being at home. In the beginning it did come up now and then and with the support of this blog I was able to directly let it go and as I notice now, it is not a point anymore, it is not coming up as a possibility or desire or need and mostly not even as a thought anymore. That is great self-feedback and self-proof after walking layer after layer as a process through the years of what process actually entails.


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Uil forgive

Dag 736 – 18. Using emotional manipulation

This blog is related to record 18: Using emotional manipulation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to affirm the love and trust of another to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the point of responsibility back to myself as if I am only responsible for what I step into, where in I miss the point of responsibility for what my words and actions have as effect on another, using this ‘responsibility that each one has for oneself’ as an excuse as in that ‘this is the responsibility of that other and then that one should have better taken care of oneself’ where in I see that this is a ‘spiritual approach’ where in each is here to learn a lesson or something, instead of working together and considering all as equal as oneself and from here, see how to create a best possible outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one’s so called ‘love’ to fulfill my own desire, instead of supporting another to become more stable in a point of dependency and from here, stand equally together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step in and out someone’s life and starting with an ‘end-goal’ in trying to become pregnant, instead of firstly stand the test of time and see if both are willing and able to stand and walk together during a life time, as a stable platform to consider giving birth to a child and raising it within a starting-point of self-responsibility and so, creating the best possible situation to be an example for the child within and as self-responsibility as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the signs within me that I am not willing to stand the test of time and instead, try to fulfill ‘as soon as possible’ an end-goal, knowing that if it doesnot happen soon, I will not be able and willing to first walk through the difficulties before considering an end-goal as becoming pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I reflect back on it, actually am wondering how I could push this point as how I did, because the point of responsibility and common sense is so far to be searched in it and so, it is obviously that within this one point, I was far far away in an illusional resporduction-programminging in/as the mind.

Here I remember how a therapist in The Netherlands is stating that for ‘nature and the body’, the importance of existance and survival is gone after the fertility has stopped around the age of 44 and the hormonal status slowly starts changing (where he is using this as a frame-work to look at health-conditions in general and how to approach this), which I see reflected in my own mind as how I have lived this out, trying to fulfill this one goal, as if otherwise, it doesnot make sense to exist or something like that.

When and as I see myself participating in an inner experience of state as that ‘it doesnot make sense’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in a survival-programming in/as the mind that is physical integrated within the hormonal-/reproduction-system and so, it seems very real as the only reason to exist, as well on a mental/emotional level as being lived out on a physical level.

I realize that this is a realistic view because it is physical integrated and manifested through time and genration after generation, however it is also a limited view from a starting-point of how we have always existed in/as the mind consciousness system controling this physical existence with our beingness channeled into this limitation.

I realize that this will take time to forgive/understand and change and that this will need some more generations to fully see through and get to the the bottom of, because it is totally integrated within our physical bodies and how we have developped ourselves within, however I (and we) can start now within/as myself to see through and get to the bottom of it by walking through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole.

I commit myself to walk through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within, to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole and to from here, see what effect this will/can have on the physical body and on this physical existence as a whole, for myself in this life and for each other and generations to come, to open up and forgive my/our limitations in/as the accepted and allowed mind-programming and to from here, create a physical existence that actually does make sense, because when and as I/we do exist as life – meaning considering all living beings equal and one – life in itself and it’s expression, is the sense of it, as a practical, physical and living expression of what is best for all, no matter if one is bringing forward life in the form of a new born child or in many other options as a new born creation of our utmost potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to giving birth to a possible new born child than to a new born creation of my utmost potential within the practical possibilities that I have in this physical existence.

When and as I see myself comparing something that I live and eventually create or not live or create, to what another is living and creating, I stop and breathe.

I realize that by comparing myself in any way to another, I am actually already giving more value to that other than to myself in that moment and so there is something that I do not value within myself that I need to investigate for/within myself.

I commit myself to stop my participation in comparison and from here, see what made me do so and what I do not value within myself and I commit myself to understand and forgive that what I do not value within myself, to see if I can actually do better and so need to push and support myself more to bring myself here in expression or that I have a default idea about this something that I compare myself with but that is actually not realistic and from here, I can forgive and let go this idea and bring forward myself in a more aligned self-expression.

When and as I see myself or another, using emotional manipulation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that comparison is playing a role as when and as emotional manipulation is used, this means that there is a self-value missing and instead, the value is placed on something or someone outside self, which gives an experience and status of disempowerment with all kind of possible outflaws and consequenses.

I commit myself to find the point of responsibility that is missed within that moment, within myself and/as/or within another as myself and from here, see how to best support myself and/as/or another as myself, to understand this point of responsibility and so making it possible to within this (self-)understanding and/as (self-)forgiveness, stand up, equal and one within the responsibility that emerges in and as self.

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Previous blog: 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

Next blog: 19. Playing Russian roulette


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Uil forgive

Dag 734 – Blame, projection and fear of loss

blame

Following up on the previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what it is that I fear within manipulation tactics as in a situation where thoughts are projected on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very tired now when I start writing this blog and experiencing some kind of blankness where in I do not see any point to write self-forgiveness about, as if I only can close my eyes and want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I can never do this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an unability to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to walk through and keep standing within a situation where thoughts and feelings and emotions are projected on me as a form of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going away out of reaction in/as fear and within this, enlarging or fueling a possible reaction in another who then also goes away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other goes away as a reaction on my reaction of going away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how to stop this cat and mouse game, other than by going away, which is not what I want or see as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally panic when another is going away, however when another is coming within panic to me, I also tend to go away out of fear of the reactions from another when and as I am not doing as how they want or expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I never satisfy enough and that I am not given the time to see within myself what I want and how to do this and so, feeling like I am  always ‘too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to please the other in/as the mind, out of a fear of loss as an experience within myself when another is going away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in pleasing another in/as the mind, I go away from myself and here I am actually pleasing my own mind as pleasing my own fear (of loss) and so, fullfilling my own fear (of loss) in loosing myself in trying to please myself or/as another in/as the mind, as in a closed circle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that only consequenses will be created where in another don’t see the consequences and I am not able to direct myself effectively within in the consequences and so the point of creation gets lost and distracted in consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make another see the point of blame as projection in/as the mind, so that from here, we can be together, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can not ‘make another see’ and that my starting-point here is actually still in/as the mind located as in a fear of loss and so, I will firstly create the loss as how I fear, through the point of blame as projection on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it frightening how far we all go/have gone in/as the mind to abdicate responsibility, within blame as projections of our own thoughts, feelings and emotions on something or someone outside ourselves, instead of bringing the thoughts, feelings and emotions back to self and start understanding/forgiving where they come from and so, start taking responsibility for ourselves in/as our own mind and stop blaming something or someone within/without.

When and as I see blame/projection towards me or another, within the words/behaviour of someone in conversation with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I cannot easily ‘make another see’ how the mind exist as a projection-system and so in/as the manifestation of blame, however I do can decide to not participate and to make this clear, for example by walking away, by saying some words or by simply/literally mentioning that I do not participate in a conversation with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame by accepting and allowing it, coming forward out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do everything good and perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and through this, the other will eventually bring the point of blame back to self, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 1. I will also make mistakes that I then need to correct that can be used against me and 2. another will always be able to find something to start blaming with by projecting one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions on me in some way, when I do not as they are pleased by, and from here, using one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions projected on me, as a reason to blame me and so, abdicate one’s own responsibility.

I commit myself to not participate in a point of blame, not within myself and not within conversation with another and if I see that I do so, to look within myself what makes that I am doing this, what I fear to loose and take responsibility for this within/as myself through understanding/forgiving myself for this point and participation.

To be continued after investigating Desperation and Communication Awareness as a dimension of creating this ‘picture’ that someone else sees of me and that I then fear to be defined as/blamed for.

the-design-of-fear-of-loss


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Uil forgive

 

 

 

Dag 720 – 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’

This blog is related to record 8: Feeling like ‘going of my path’

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘going of my path’ if I would continue with the pregnancy, coming forward out of a ‘not knowing how’ and an experience of ‘not being able to’ keep standing on my own feet alone when I would continue with the pregnancy as what I did ‘forsee’ in this is me stepping in a relationship that I did not want to step in at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like compromising myself if and when I would step in that relationship while continuing with the pregnancy instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I not necessarily would compromise myself by stepping in but that it would depend on ‘who I am’ within and also, that I had already compromised myself from the beginning (by not taking everything into consideration as how I wrote out in a blog before) and so, each a decision would somehow/somewhere compromise a part of myself within physical reality as that part that I did not consider at first but that within this, I could and am able to take responsibility for myself in my initial decision and consequenses, through and as the living of self-forgiveness and while doing so, stop the compromising patterns within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have a ‘path’ that I need to follow without seeing, realizing and understanding that this so called ‘path’ is preprogrammed and determined to keep me in a program in/as the mind consciousness system, if and when I do not stand up and change myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot step in ‘my path’ as a preprogrammed design and so, break off every single thing that I see as ‘my path’ instead of seeing a preprogramming as a design support to show me where and how I have separated myself from myself as the directive principle of who I am, in every situation.

And so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a polarity experience with ‘my path’ of ‘not wanting to step in’ and at the same time, ‘not being allowed to step out’ and within this, keep myself at a point of not changing or expanding anything because of not being able to step in or start anything for myself with regards to relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my experience of depression and within this, having a fear of a post-natal depression if and when I will continue the pregnancy and within this, perceiving myself completely loosing my directive principle within this situation that ‘may happen in future’, if and when I decide to keep the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that depression in itself is a form of victimization of myself and from here, a form of manipulation of my envirionment that does not go ‘how I want’ and so, I do not see, realize and understand how I make myself dependent on my environment and so, I am pulling myself back from ‘my environment’ as a temptation to keep a form of control in/as the mind as how I perceive who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make ‘who I am’ as my directive principle, dependent on my environment by thinking and believeing that ‘how I feel is who I am’ and so, try to control and manipulate my environment within an experience of depression and from here, decide to follow up this control within and as myself and so, control myself, my pregnancy, my unborn child and the father of the unborn child within a decision to have an abortion as the only way that I see to stand up within this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even say sorry to the father of the unborn child and find it ‘my right’ to make the decision for myself without involving him but only ‘notifying’ him after that I have made ‘my decision’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the pregnancy as something that deep within myself I wanted and wanted to continue and let the child come and do everything possible to stand by and walk with, although the situation is not really what I wanted or actually ‘felt’ like it was not really what I wanted because of experiences of resistance towards the father of the unborn child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own experiences of resistance above life itself and give my experiences and so my mind consciousness system more value than myself and a child and a father and other family, in and as life, by not involving them within my decision making, not on forehand and not afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into a situation where whatever decision I would make, it would have consequenses, this because of following up on two thoughts and making a decision in a split second, made without awareness, meaning, without considering all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on judging myself and so keep myself prison within thoughts, feelings and emotions, related to bringing myself and/as others into this position of victimization, instead of taking responsibility for myself by forgiving myself and from here, unconditionally letting it go to a point of not creating it again and considering the spark of life that is involved and existing, within and without.

Here to mention that I do see what ‘reasons’ has led to this decision as reasons that are not ‘my fault’ but that are more consequences of how I as a human have accepted and allowed myself to develop as a systematized being, passed from generation to generation without seeing a way to effectively direct myself, which is something that I will take responsibility for further in this series.

When and as I see myself tending to make a decision without involving the ones that are physically involved in a situation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I try to follow a desire or wished outcome where in I do not consider all dimensions involved.

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for participating in and believing the desire and wished outcome to be real or best and from here, discuss on forehand the possibilities with the ones that are involved within a situation so that the decision can be made within consideration of as much dimensions involved as possible within that moment.

When and as I see myself participating in a polarity related to a programming within myself, of oneway, not willing to step in and at the same time, feeling like not being able to step out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I keep myself stuck and waiting in not making and walking a decision, related to wanting a ‘certain outcome’ instead of focussing on ‘who I am’ within ‘what I walk’, where I am not sure of the outcome in future, as an outcome in physical reality is depending on so many dimensions and also others that are involved and also because I may not yet see all dimensions as well.

I commit myself to focus on ‘who I am’ within ‘what I walk’ and within this, see what is best to do within each related moment again and to see what information I may need more to have a more clear sight.

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for a fear coming up of loosing a certain outcome and within this, forgive myself for a fear (so judgement) of loosing an opportunity of how I perceive how I would experience myself in a certain situation and at the same time, investigate why I fear/judge myself for ‘loosing an opportunity to experience myself a certain way’ and forgive myself accordingly – within the realization that fear and judgement is actually consisting of a thought that is bringing forward certain feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of depression, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not standing in my directive principle but that I am depending ‘how I feel’ on my environment and others around me and that I am not satisfied with certain things within my life and so, within myself.

I commit myself to see what I want/would like from my environment and others around me that I make myself depending on and from here, see how I can bring this back to myself and search for the ‘quality’ or experience within, so that I can bring this quality/experience back to myself, forgive myself for the attached emotions and feelings, see if there is a thought/memory related and from here, redefine it into a living word that I can eventually live as a self-expression and sharing with others in maybe a different way than I initially had attached it towards within and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate what I am not satrisfied with within/as myself and from here, see how I can embrace, make peace with it, forgive and expand myself in this certain area, slowly and in small steps.

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Previous blog: 7. The moment of truth

Next blog: 9. Ignoring some signs within myself


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Dag 717 – 5. Menstruation cycle

This blog is related to record 5: Menstruation cycle

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to push myself to share this intimate details that were actually part of my secret mind during thet time that it took place that I am describing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about what secretely happened within myself in thoughts, feelings and emotions with regards to my fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share this, also in the past, but not completely, as I always hold a small part for myself that I could ‘play with’ and fill in for myself without anyone knowing and so, without anyone being able to have influence on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a backdoor open for myself as a place where I can make ‘my own decisions’ with regards to fertility and having a child or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my investigation of my menstruation cycle as a tool to make small shifts within myself and ‘challenge the possibilities of nature so to speak, without being fully aware of my own direction and decisions in this as a guideline of what will happen or not with regards to fertility and having a child or not – in consideration ofcourse of the biological and physical abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up my influence by not really being aware of how I am directing myself and placing part of my responsibility ‘outside myself’ and at the same time, keeping a ‘secret mind’ as secret area where in I am very well aware of myself manipulating an outcome that only I am fully informed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have unsafe intercourse where in I ‘wish’ that I can then become pregnant without the need to fully take responsibility for this decision and so, being able to decide to perhaps ‘become pregnant’ in a situation that is not stable and ready.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my female role and female body with the ability to become pregnant, as a way to slightly manipulate a male by informing the male about how I approach the menstraution cycle but not completely about what is going on within me with regards to my menstruation cycle and thoughts about pregnancy and so, use his ‘approval’ about what I did share, as a reason and justification to move on with what I have within my secret mind that I have not completely shared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate with leaving out some information that I have within myself in secret thoughts.

When and as I see myself leaving out some information that is actually vital and of importance, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am hiding something and so, that I fear ‘loosing’ this something if I share it, meaning, that I loose the possibility to ‘live this’ when and as another may not agree on it. I realize that within this, there as self-interest involved where in I am not open to cross-reference the possibility in a way to see if it is really best for all or that it may need some adaptation. I realize that within this, I ‘fear’ that I am not ‘listened to’ and that ‘what I want/would like’ may not be considered and so, I rather choose to keep it a secret and play it out in a way that it is already manifested in physical reality and so, I can not be crossed anymore. I realize that I think in such moment that ‘this self-interest is best for me’, where in I did not consider, investigate and cross-reference all outcomes and where in I actually did not consider myself as life in all outcomes but only ‘me’ in/as the mind in self-interest, in my limited version of my desires, simply because this is the only thing that I ‘know’ from and as myself.

I commit myself to take the time to investigate, consider and cross-reference all outcomes while walking something that I see as a possibility but where in I tend to keep information for myself and within this, consider myself as life in all outcomes.

I commit myself to forgive myself my wishes and desires that is existing within myself in a situation where in I am keeping information for myself and to take the time to embrace myself in this and let go what I see that is not best for myself and  so, not best for everyone who is involved and to move on with that what is giving an outcome where in life is considered, from/as myself and others who are involved in a situation.

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Previous blog: 4. Understanding the obsession

Next blog: 6. Decision in a split second


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
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Dag 414 – To be Right – Self-Corrective Application

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Day 413 – To be Right

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in a moment participating just before making a decision ‘to be right’ and so, about to decide that I, because of this perceiving to be right, can step in convincing another being of ‘my right’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I do not have ‘a right to convince another’, no matter if what I speak about is infact so.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself about to go stepping into the mind in and as a convincement, to stop, to breathe, and to within breath, take a moment to be silent within myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself observing this one moment of checking within myself if ‘this is the right thing to do’ before stepping in a convincement, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I am right before making a decision in and as the mind, and as long as I am ‘before’, it wil be easier to stop and direct myself, and this observing is already a sign that I am ‘about stepping in’, which is a sign that I need to slow down myself, breathe, and take a moment to see what is going on inside myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I am ‘feeling one and sure’ about stepping in a convincement, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I am already participating in and as a convincement in and as myself, in and as the mind, which I am about to force on another being without taking the whole situation, myself and the other in consideration, otherwise, I would not feel the ‘urge to convince’ another being. So I stop, I breathe, I keep the moment within myself for further investigation from all dimensions before pushing through a point.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself focussing on another being while observing a point that is not aligned, to stop, to breathe, and to first check within myself if I am aligned with and as myself, and within this, being able to communicate a point clear and stable. If not, I stop, I breathe, I commit myself to first investigate the point within myself and for this moment, letting go the point within another, where in I realize that if I am not aligned, I am not really able to communicate effectively but instead create energy within myself and the other and enlarge a friction inside self, others and within the situation.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘not knowing how to make this point clear’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I make the point unclear by pushing and forcing and convincing in and as the mind, so I better take a breath, slow down, and see within the moment or afterwards how communicate the point effectively without being in reaction myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself disregarding little and large signs within myself of not taking everything into consideration by pushing through within a tendency of ‘wanting to be right’, I stop, I breathe, where in I realize that I participate in and as the female-ego as ‘being right’, which is mostly coming up when I am participating in fear of loosing control in communication, and so, I commit myself to investigate what the fear is that is hiding behind the female-ego coming up as wanting ‘to be right’.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in and as a fear of ‘being wrong’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I must have participated in and as an convincement of ‘being right’, where in I create an experience of being wrong, and so, I need to slow down myself and investigate how to move on within this point.

I commit myself to, when and as I feel it as ‘unfair’ to stop reacting when and as I am in an experience of ‘being right’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that there are dimensions to investigate inside myself that gives an experience of  feeling unfair’ which I try to correct within this one moment by convincing another of my ‘being right’. And so, I commit myself to investigate the memories related to this ‘unfair feeling’ experience within myself, so that I can correct myself in and as writing and application of self-forgiveness and self-correction, instead of trying to force a correction within one moment in and as reality.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself giving up myself in and as reaction, to stop, to breathe, where in although it might ‘feel right’ to step in within this one moment, I need to use my common sense – which will ‘not feel right’ at this moment, but which is using common sense in and as the awareness that reacting is not a solution in anyway. And so I stop, I breathe, and instead of ‘forcing my will upon another’, I stand up in and as self-will, in and as a force within myself, to stop myself within reaction, to stop compromising myself (and another).

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into a reaction again in and as a convincement of ‘being right’, to take the point into writing, to investigate, self-forgive and see what dimension(s) I have missed and not yet effectively forgiven myself, where in again I correct myself, in writing and in daily living, every time again, and so moving slowly in and towards effectively living in and as self-correction, in and as breath.

I commit myself to investigate where I go into submission in and as identifying myself as ‘a female’, and so within this, create a ‘need to be right’ within and as myself as a female-ego, so that and where in I forgive and correct myself, step by step,  to be and become one and equal as life, free from limitations in and as the mind related to gender-mind-constructs.

*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and compromise myself within and as a limitation of identifying myself as a female, and from this on go into submission, where in I create a believe to ‘having the right to be right’, which is actually a revenge for all the moments of submission that I have experienced in and as myself in and as identification with ‘being a female’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission and use this as a starting point of manipulation, where from this position of submission it is not so easy to be seen and so I have ‘free space’ to subtile manipulate in and as the mind to ‘get what I want’ as the only way I know, not seeing, realising and understanding, that within this position of submission as a starting-point in/as a personality, I have given up myself and my life-force, fully, and so I am in submission towards my own mindmanipulation in and as the creation of energy, where in I cannot even see where this submission starts, because I have become this position, in and as the mind, where in I experience the compromise within my physical body every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body every day by going into submission in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will only be listened to if and when I become angry somehow, because I have not seen an example of direct communication and direct listening between male and female while growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a feeling of love because there was no real communication, and so a ‘feeling of love’ was the only thing that I believed as ‘keeping the connection’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a feeling of love is enough and that communication is not needed in the first place and/or can follow up/be developped from this ‘love’, while actually it’s the other way around, that communication is the first thing to start with, and only from that starting point one is able to establish a mutual understanding of self and/as the other, and from there, to learn to live ‘love’ practical in/as equality instead of feeling love in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a mutual feeling of love is the thing to build a realtionship on, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that the starting-point of walking in/towards equality is communication, and as long as the starting-point is a feeling of ‘love’, the starting-point is actually manipulated in/as a feeling in/as the mind, keeping each other at a distance in and as fear of manipulation, as how the ‘nature of love’ is in and as itself.

Self-investigation to be continued.

Source: http://www.tenantscreeningblog.com/

Agreements
Re-Defining Relationships

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Dag 357 – Lead by the eggleaders – Self-forgiveness

The Bee

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Dag 356 – Lead by the eggleaders (ovaria)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself lead by the eggleaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the eggleaders for about 10 years, feeling as I had/have to use this, that I had to give birth to a child, just because this is a possibility and just because out of fear of missing something if I would not step into this opportunity, and for this, being busy for over 10 years with the cycle of menstruation and ovulation and finding a man and finding other opportinities to ‘give birth to a child’, where at the same time, I do not want to step into the system as how it is set up in this world with a child; where at the same time I fear being swallowed by the constrictions of living in this system, and at the same time experiencing how I already am constricted in and as a system within me that I could not escape by giving birth but what would give me the push to stand up in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give birth to a child as seeing this as the only possibility to stand up in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt so inferior of not giving birth to a child while the whole world seems to turn around this one point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my whole world turn around this one point of giving birth to a child, where in I saw/see at the same time that it was this ‘birthing’ that I was looking for, and not especially the ‘taking care of a child’ within the system in society as it exists at the moment, and so I was/am always devided in this point, which took me more than 10 years to investigate and walk through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devide myself by the polarity in/as the mind, instead of living in/as the moment as what is here to be lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I had the chance to step into a relationship with opportunity to have a child, to not step in, as it felt/feels like this is not it, this is not what and how I want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused by what I want and what self-will is, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I am not confused, I am just not wanting to step into and as the movement of self-will as a final decision as a commitment, as within this, there is no way back, no backdoor existing anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I want to have a backdoor existing in/as the mind, to leave all doors open, just ‘in case of’, just for ‘you never know’, so that I can always step back when it seems like I made the wrong decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have been scared for a post-natal depression when and if I would get pregnant because there was some in this desire to give birth to a child that was not self-honest, as it was always about ‘being pregnant and giving birth’ and never about walking with a child to guide in this society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that giving birth to a child would give me the strength to stand up, as within this there is no choise left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel some regret of not having an oppoprtunity to in this life living a life of a family, living in nature, walking in partnership with a child, in a world that is carefull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that living my full potential is not existing in taking care of a child perse, but more using this as an excuse to not live everything I see in this world for a long time already and stand up in this to make other people aware of the need to change, as when having a child to ‘raise’, I would be occupied with taking care of this one human, which gives little space to play a part in the education of humanity as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am not able to walk both, as there is no time for this with regards to my age and with regards to the situation the world is existing in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my lead away to men as there is a men needed for giving birth to a child, and because of the age-limit in this, feeling rushed and pushy towards men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen men as something I needed to give birth to a child, when at the same time seeing that I was not ready, not able to walk a partnership in and as a real support and so not ready to give birth to a child, but because of the feeling like ‘there is no time’ and ‘missing a chance’ and ‘needing to do this’, I have pushed it many times, and within this manipulated myself and the male by/in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and/as the male in/as the mind for having a partnership soon because of a time issue lead by the eggleaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use giving birth to a child as a way to give birth to myself, which is exactly the thing that I was so sick of what I have been used for, and because I was aware of this, I could, despite all my attempts to find a solution to get pregnant, I did none of them push through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand certain in my awareness of not willing to give birth to a child when I am not standing in and as myself and within this abusing and limiting the child in it’s expression, and instead of this, I let myself distract by/in/as the mind, lead by the eggleaders, making myself feeling miserable and ineffective and within this creating a lot of confusing within myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself miserable and ineffective, manifested on a physical level, by letting myself distract by/in/as the mind, lead by the eggleaders in/as dissatisfaction of my daily reality, which I made uncomfortable by myself, participating in and as this distraction and within this, manipulating, constricting, confusing and breaking down myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself manipulate by the system of reproduction, instead of leading myself here in every moment, breath by breath, seeing what is best and based on self-will and walking/living this, instead of pushing and manipulating out of self-interest, lead by the eggleaders as the system of reproduction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel able to make a choise in this and taking real responsibilityfor myself in giving birth to a child, as seen in this writing that I was not certain and I knew this, and so push situations to extremes in a way to try to ‘let a situation decide for me’ while I already had found out to a certain degree that every action has a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still create consequenses while knowing that I cause this, and within this not taking full responsibility of and for myself in word and deed.

*

When and as I see myself participating in/as fear of standing up, speaking up and directing myself in this I stop, I breathe.

I realise that I experience fear because this is new, never done, and so not known as the mind, and so the mind is giving thoughts as fear as a way of control.

I realise that I experience fear when and as I exist in self-doubt and thus I am not absolute certain, and so I need to investigate what I am missing in this in and as myself.

I realise that this is what I will walk, that this is not age-determinded, as I have had the possibility to walk a different way and give birth to a child, which I have decided not to walk, as I was not certain to walk it as self-will as there were always self-dishonest facts involved, which I walked through, so now I am standing at the beginning of standing up in and as myself, which gives an experience of fear as fear of failure, that we all have to walk through.

I commit myself to walk with and as myself, breath by breath, to take on every day what needs to be done, to see into this in self-honesty and with common sense, to ask for support when needed, and first of all, to support myself in this, to breathe, to write, to forgive myself, to embrace myself in this, to correct myself and to push myself to walk and live the self-correction, starting in small things, every day, with and as myself, and if I fall into failure, I stand up, I forgive myself, I investigate what happened, I walk on, realising that failure is only a failure when I lay myself down in it in acceptance, and otherwise it as an opportunity to stand up in it and walk through, step by step, breath by breath.

I commit myself to practise breathing to become more effective in stopping and walking through energetic experiences in and as fear.

I commit myself to walk this process of birthing myself as life in the physical, to push myself in this and dedicate myself to do what is in my ability to make this world a place worth living for all living beings and within this for children to come.

When and as I see myself participating in uncertainty with regards to a making a decision, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I am distracted by something in and as the mind that I need to investigate.

I realize that there is fear related in this and so I investigate what the fear contains and what judgements are related in this.

I do not allow myself to let myself rushed by time in/as the mind to force and manipulate decisions in this, as this will create consequenses for myself and/as others.

I commit myself to investigate what keeps me from being certain and standing in and as a decision, to write it out, to apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, until I am certain to stand straight and walk the decision in and as self-will, as what is best for all.

I commit myself to slow down, to breathe, to walk in and as self-support.

The Butterfly

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Desteni I Process Lite – (free course)

Redefining Relationships

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/