Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!

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Dag 359 – Porn – What is the Question we should ask?

Living Income Quaranteed

In the discussion about the porn-scene, there is often spoken about the ‘line’ of what is abusive and what not. How rough the sex is, if the woman did agree on it, and within this if the woman was informed about what would happen before she agreed on it and if she had a possibility to stop if it was not what she expected and she could not handle it. So actually the questions that are asked within this, are all about what is allowed and what not Within the total allowance of Pornography.

The point in this is: aren’t we asking the wrong question? The question is manipulating the outcome as the answer.

We have to see beyond the balance of this ‘thin line’ of acceptances and allowances Within pornography. What should be questioned, is the existence of Pornography as a Whole. We are so ‘used to’ the existence of porn, that we do not even look anymore why it exist in the first place, what it is in this world that caused us to Watch Other People Having Sex, from soft ways to the most horrific ways we can imagine. Isn’t this The question in itself?

What causes us to watch porn as other people having sex? Because, the demand determines the product, so the question why porn exist is simple: because there is a demand so it is a way to make money. So, if you are watching porn:  you are contributing to and keeping in place the whole porn-industry in relation to money.  You really think the porn ‘stars’ would do this job if there was no money involved? Get real. Would you do this?

So this is the first thing to realise, porn is here because people are making money of it and we are all dependent on money to live,  and money is not equally distributed so we are all living in and as a survival mode. Sex as how it is used in the porn-scene is a way of surviving, to earn money. The porn-industry is making advantage of this. Within this, the point of ‘free choice’ in participating in the porn-industry is seen from a totally different perspective, which shows: there is No free choice in this, there is only need for survival.

Second thing is the act of sex in itself.

Why are we watching to other people having sex? Isn’t sex just a physical act, firstly implanted to reproduce, just as animals do, and secondly usefull as a support to become more physical, to enjoy physical touch and interaction, if and when it is applied in a way that is supportive to the physical body and where in people that are involved agree equally, without any manipulation applied, which means they should be totally aware of what they are doing. To be totally aware of what we are doing before we make the decision to have sex, we should be educated in this. And who in the world is Really educated in the principles of having sex in a pleasurely and respective way? Are you? Who did teach you this? The porn movie that you watched, which is produced to make money and where there is ‘free choise’ of how abusive one like to watch it?

The point is, we don’t know what we are doing while we are having sex. We actually have no idea. Most just start doing this because the whole world is making a lot of noise about this, combined with hormonal changes inside our body around the age of 14, which are activated and making us feeling restless. Within this, first thing we ‘learn’ in this world, is that we have to ‘do’ something with these activated hormones, and if we don’t, we are ‘missing out’ on something. This something means ‘sex’. We learn that we miss something if we do not have sex. So, in essence, we learn to have sex to make us ‘feel better’ than who we are without having sex. This in itself implies that sex is Used, so abused to ‘reach something’, which is a ‘better feeling’ about ourselves. This is called Self-interest.

Did we need sex when we were a young child? No. It is activated. I am not saying that we should not have sex. I am saying, that we have to really investigate what sex contains, that we have to be educated in this and educate the ones that come after us. That we are not ‘more or less’ when having sex or not having sex. There is no ‘free choise’ in this, we are all addicted to this search for ‘feeling better’ about ourselves.

And porn is made to feed this, and at the same time making money out of it, which makes the ones who make money out of it, ‘feel better’ or ‘more powerfull’, and within this using the ones who ‘choose’ to involve because they need the money to survive.

It is not ‘normal’ to watch other people having sex, just because we like it. If you could choose, would you choose to watch other people having sex or would you choose to do it yourself? Are you watching at movies that you know are really abusive if you would act this movie out in reality? So you choose to ‘watch this’ other people doing on a screan? Why are these people doing this? Because of your demand for it; you buy it, they get money for it. So actually, porn stars are acting out on all the hidden fantasies of human beings who are willing to pay money for it.

If we donot watch porn, but have imagines in our head during masturbation or having sex, this is exactly the same. It is all connected to each other in the same Mind Consiousness System. And we are all contributing to this. We ‘think’ it is harmless to make pictures in our head, but it is not. And this is what we should seriously be educated in. Only this education can make us see how we All are equally responsible for the large abuse that happen in this world, which is all related to the area of money and sex. And deep down, we know this, otherwise we would not hide it. We only don’t understand How it is related. If you deny, you are not self-honest and you want to move on only for and within your self-interest. Which is a serious problem.

If you see the common sense in this article and you find yourself addicted to for example watching porn-movies – also the so called ‘innocent’ ones – know that there is support to understand and stop this addiction. Know that honesty seeing into self in this, and saying, hey, I see I have a problem here, I only don’t know what to do about it, this is self-honest and it takes courage to do this and to do something about it.

There is a lot of free material available to start educating yourself. It is a lot, so just start and take on one by one. Allow yourself to free yourself from this addiction, as any addiction is only making us feel better for a very short time and it makes us feeling worse afterwards, and this feeling worse will enlarge. This is how addiction works, and we know it.

If you have the chance – meaning if you have acces to internet, which you have, otherwise you would not be able to read this article – educate yourself, and within this, stand up for a world that is free from all sorts of abuse, related to sex and money.

To all people who are just having ‘innocent’ pictures in the head of wanting to have sex with the lovely neighbour or handsome colleague, and for the rest having a ‘stable’ life with enough money to live from and for example a happy marriage and kids; also: educate yourself.  You, We, are the ones that are able in the first place to stand up. Exactly just because of being relative ‘stable’, it is possible to start with the self-support Right Now. Stand up for Life on Earth, stop the allowance of abuse related to money and sex and be a part of the solution. If we all do so, this world will be a total different place, as a place where we all are willing to live and contribute; if we all give as we would like to receive.


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Dag 296 – Expressie en de Darm – How do I contribute to the most horrific events in the world

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on Living Alone

Dag 295 – Expressie en de Darm – Money, Survival and Limitation

Picture of a mask

Mannelijk bekken

Picture of a (male) pelvis

I was watching the documentary of a Dutch woman Toos who is used and abused extensively for sexual rituals where in high members of royalty and church are named as involved.

It is a horrific story, and at the same time she is telling nothing new. What happened to her is what I always experience somewhere on the background as the greatest nightmare that could ever happen to me and every human being and so within this a great fear. So she named all the events one by one, that all are build up from physical torturing and sexual abuse from top till toe, where no respect is left. It is a complete abuse of the physical and of the being.

Now how can I be scared for this and how can I recognize everything she is telling? I have not been in situations like this, I have not seen movies about it, actually I didnot even now from direct stories that this is existing. And still, this fear and this experience of total abuse from top till toe is part of me as long as I remember.

Let’s say that from an age of around 6, maybe earlier but not younger than 4, I experience myself somewhere like this. And since watching the documentary I am wondering, isn’t this all triggered because of starting masturbating. Isn’t this the unconsiousness system that is starting loading all this information while masturbating?

I am consious that I have seperated myself from the unconsiousness awareness. As this is something that I donot want to involve with, that I donot want to belong to. Not realising how I probably have activated this all by myself, within an experience of an orgasm that I liked, and that I repeated in my life. Not extensively, but enough to get involved.

I always have accounted this experience to something ouside myself, as there was something outside myself that had abused me (even though I didnot find anything for real, as there have been taken place some abusive events but not so extensively and not really physical; most took place within words or within the lack of words – which is also physical). So I could not find something that is so extensively. However, I didnot consider how I involved myself within this experience, and within this, abuse myself as a being from top till toe, in starting participating in and energetic sexual experience in/as the mind.

I donot say that events in childhood do not have influence on this experience, I only say that I didnot consider my own participation within the unified consiousness field in/as unconsiousness by starting masturbating and uploading energy and information from the unconsiousness of humanity as a whole, and so distributing to this unified field by generating energy within masturbating. And so creating and accumulating thus enlarging my own experience of fear, which is actually my own mind system in/as fear as the mind exist in/as fear. Not knowing how I, witin this, contribute to the situation of this woman Toos, which has lived for 8 years in the most horrific shadow side of the unified consiousness system of humanity, where this total abuse and torturing that we cannot even imagine – and at the same time all do imagine – is physically taking place.

This whole unified consiousness system is interconnected very specific and complicated and this is only one insight form myself, where in I start taking self responsibility for my contribution to the dark side of humanity that physical takes place, although it is ignored and denied by most humans in daily life.

It is also connected to the elite in this world – people in control with money – which has a direct connection to the control that take place and that we as humanity as a whole allow and accept to exist. This control is direct visible in the inequality in this world as the unequal distribution of money and within this the unequal distribution of life-circumstances as food, water, house and education. Which we all take for granted, as this is how it is, without ever really investigating how this horrible events and situations could ever have manifested in this world. Because if we start really investigating the source of the abusive world where we live in, we come to the final point which is the source as the startingpoint of this horror story that we live in, which is:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the most horrific events of sexual abuse and physical torturing and humiliation that we can imagine – and we all know how bad our stories in our imaginantion are – by participating in an activity of energetic masturbation, in which I only experienced a feeling that I liked, and so which I wanted to repeat, without knowing and being aware of the energetic contribution that took place within this to upload the unified consiousness field and within this to the systems of control within this field; without noticing that I was oploading my own consiousness field within this activity of masturbation, loading information that we cannot even imagine but that we do imagine every day,  and accumulating and enlarging my own experience and existence in/as fear in/as the mind as consiousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a source outside myself was the cause of my experience of extreme fear for this ‘dark energy’ – like I am hunted by something – without seeing, realising and understanding that the source and cause is manifested within myself and accumulated and enlarged by an activity of energetic masturbation that I found out by coincidence and that I experienced as a nice feeling that I wanted to repeat, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat and upload this energetic system within and without myself in/as the mind as the unified consiousness field existing in this world in/as humanity as a whole, where this hunting by the dark side of humanity take place in physical reality within secret parties where they play a game of hunting naked children in the dark as a form of play of sexual abuse and physical torturing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loaded with this heavyness of/and fear all the time, my whole life at the background, without being able to relate this experience to the physical reality that I live in as this is a pretty stable physical reality from birth till now, and so I am confused by my own experiences of heavyness and fear and searching for causes outside myself and blaming every tiny little thing outside myself which I can find that maybe contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within blaming, I myself contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear within myself and keep myself locked within this experience in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for sexuality as long as I remember, as within sexuality, this experience of this ‘dark energy’ in/as fear, can be triggered and come over me suddenly, where in I devellopped a way to be able to have and really like sexual avtivity, which is when I am excited and so actually participating within this energy, and so experiencing the ‘light’ of this energy as the polarity of the dark side, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within this participating in/as excitement in/as a positive ‘light’ experience of this sexual energy, I automaticly enlarge and reload the ‘dark side’ of this energy and so I enlarge and reload the energy systems in/as the unified consiousness field in/as the mind in/as humanity as a whole, and so I contribute to the state of the horrific situations that many children are secretely involved in within sexual abuse and physical torturing, and at the same time, I enlarge and reload my own experience of fear within sexuality, which again I tend to suppress within a feeling of excitement, which I am aware of and that I no longer can and will allow that myself, and so I experience myself a kind of stuck within and as fear for sexuality and within this, fear for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from humanity as a whole by ignoring, denying, neglecting and suppressing the unconsiousness system within myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself in/as consiousness, hiding in positivity, in which I allow and accept myself to be unable to change myself in/as self-responsibility for myself as a whole.

When and as I see and experience some dark energy as fear within and as me, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here in the physical through breathing and touching some physical attributes.

I realize that I experience something within myself that is part of me as consiousness system in/as fear that is triggered somewhere within myself which probably is related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to investigate what triggers me to this experience of dark energy in/as fear as the dark side of humanity, related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to stop participating in energetic sexual experiences – which I already stopped for longer time, but from which I still didnot see the real harm that it can cause, and so, I was not completely motivated to stop it in totality, which gives situations of where I could sometimes see participating in this energy ‘through the fingers’, which is actually keeping a backdoor on a narrow opening to eventual be able to participate in positive sexual energetic experiences.

I commit myself to investigate the dutch and family origin, existing within and as myself,  related to this experience of dark energy, in which rigid religic patterns play a large role, to see how this is related to (suppressed) sexual energy and to suppressing physicallity in/as sexuality as a whole.

I commit myself to investigate how the experience of complete abuse from top till toe is created and manifested within myself, which is the relation to the topic of all this blogs that I write with the frontname ‘Expressie en de Darm/Expression and the Intestine’, as this experience of complete abuse from top till toe, I experience physically within the anus and within the muscles of the large intenstine as cramping and irritation, where in I lost my ‘innocence of being’ through the decision of participating in and as energy in/as the mind as consiousness system in a moment that I donot remember by consiousness, but that is of influence on me and humanity as whole, every moment, every day, and only by taking complete self-responsibility for myself within this, I will be able to eventual stand up in/as a human being in/as innocense as life – where in I write eventual as I am not sure if I will be able to recreate a complete healthy functioning physical body as time is limited, but where in I commit myself to walk process till this is done as this is what is best for humanity, for them who are coming and for Life on Earth as a whole, and so within this for myself as a human being.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)


Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series


What is Sex – OverView


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