Dag 762 – The word behind ‘waiting’

Within my last blog I opened up some dimensions or aspects of the word ‘waiting’. What I see is that behind the word waiting, there is another word ‘waiting’ for me to open up; a word that is related to how I experience ‘waiting’ in certain occasions. The word behind it is the word ‘worry’.

I am aware of the information that as well my mother as my grandmother, did participate a lot in an experience of worry. My grandmother was – in my eyes – open about this, she called my mother every day when she was older and living alone after her husband passed away. My mother was keeping it more inside from my perspective though was also showing it. An example is that she for example could not sleep before I arrived at home in the night as a teenager/young adult. But, if she knew I was sleeping somewhere else, she did sleep. So here I see it is also related to a ‘waiting’.

I did experience resististance to this ‘worry’ about me during that time, however I do very well understand it now more and more and how it is not so easy to direct oneself in this experience. I see myself worrying the most when I do not have information about a certain situation. So when for example someone who is close to me, is not approachable and I do not have the information about what is going on and so I have to ‘wait’ for more information or communication, then the experience of worry is coming up. Or when an animal is becoming sick and I am not yet sure what to do or what is goingand what the outcome will be, I start to worry.

What I already see is that it is related to a lack of insight and information that gives the experience of worry within me and then a fear of loss is coming up. Here I start to participate in the experience – or let’s say even ‘state’- of waiting, as a waiting for the information opening up so that  I can make a plan of approach and direct myself in this. In this time of not yet having the information, I start participating in a ‘state of waiting’ and ‘not finding myself’ being able anymore to focus on something else and so to direct myself in this. I become then completely occupied in/as a mind-state or experience that is influencing who I am and what I do.

When I write this, I experience it as ‘impossible’ to really change this in myself to no longer participate in an experience or state of worry in a way that influences me on who I am and what I do, however in knowledge and information and from a point of common sense, I know it is possible to learn to direct myself in this, altough I do not yet see how this will be. So I can only work with the tools of now opening up this programming within me, within the writing and then starting with self-forgiveness on this deep ingrained experience of worry behind the waiting. Where I then actually am ‘waiting’ for myself to direct myself, so within an experience of worry, I am ‘waiting’ as well.

In next blog I will open up more within the application of self-forgiveness on the experience of worry and from here, see the next step in this process. Let’s start with making the ‘seemingly impossible’ possible; by walking into the unknown of how to do this, yet having the tools of self-support to guide myself in this.

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