Dag 791 – A mourning process and to Rise up


A while ago I got the ‘advice’ (from myself / my own beingness actually) to take the time to mourn about a relationship ending. I did not really come to a mourning because I did not want it ‘to be over’ and if I go into a mourning, this would mean that it would be ‘over’. Besides this it concerns a difficult situation with many aspects that made it challenging to go into a mourning.

I did had made the step forwards to move on alone, due to the situation only becoming worse for both of us when staying together; however when already being into this situation, I was still refusing to really move through. So I did move myself into ‘what is best for me and both of us’ eventually, however when coming into the actual experiences coming up while walking this direction, I refused to really embrace it / myself in it and make peace with the current situation, holding on to ‘hope’ and future projections of ‘what if’.

When writing this blog I come into this ‘sinking feeling’ again of the sadness and ‘rediculessness’ of the situation. I will write more about it in relation to this situation  – and relationships in general  – with insights and realizations in time to come and what it all has to do with, what systems are involved that makes it so immens to walk through.

Firstly I would like to describe a change in the mourning process that I currently noticed within me.

I had a few activities last week sceduled in. There was a second course afternoon of the mandala-drawing related to the second chakra. I noticed sadness in relation to this ‘area’ and quietly started the drawing. I somehow expected a lot of sadness and messyness within me while drawing and visible within the drawing, however what I expressed on paper looked very harmonious, subtile, soft and almost ‘silent’; like ‘nothing wrong with me’. This supported me to stop a part of the ‘missing’ and to start redefining sexuality, sensuality into a more physical and fulfilling presence instead of an endless experience of  missing and desire, projected on a relationship with another (a process of redefining still to walk).

Then I started to go to a training, a sport-lesson in the new living environment (I changed house and environment). I used to go every week but did not go for 4 months while I was busy with all the moving and renovation of the house. I now have settled down a bit and found myself ready to pick it up; the physical labour became less heavy and I started really ‘missing’ the physical work-outs. I found a gym to start and try out some group-lessons and the first one I participated in was a power-yoga-lesson.

While doing this I noticed a stand coming through within me, a sort of physical stability and satisfaction that I come into within the lessons, due to how a training is set up. This I really like about the group-lessons. After this I went home and sit down to watch a part on tv of ‘the voice of Holland’ that probably everyone is familiar with. I will in a moment describe why I like watching this ‘program’.

It was still in the first rounds. There was a lady coming up, she had introduced herself as that she had moved through a difficult period of many trials and errors and now becoming more present and satisfied within herself. She came up and just stand there, focussed on herself and waiting for the music and when the music started, she started the singing. She did barely nothing more than standing there quite ‘silently’ with regards to her body and only…….singing. It was overwhelming ‘good’ and especially authentic, staying close to herself and it was the song ‘Rise up’ so very suitable to what she described as her situation.

(First link is the record of the song that I speak about and second link the original song with text).

I was sitting and watching and tears rolling over my face and noticing – through that lady and the song – the strength of the decision to ‘rise up’. Here I noticed how a rising up of one (this lady in this case), can be an example for another (me in this case) to do the same, to rise up in our own unique way. It would actually be a waste to not do this, to hold back, because then what we resonate is a ‘holding back’ and so another will pick this up as well and this is not an example that one potentially would like to resonate as what is best for all.

This example describes why I watch a program like the voice of Holland as I enjoy and find it valuable to see (a part of) one’s potential, one-self coming through, in this case within the expression of singing.

I hold this song, the title and the physical experience within me the days after and I noticed a change within me. Where I before was moving through the days within a drowning feeling, I now was able to carefully see a glimpse  ‘beyond it’. It does not ‘end’ with this drowning or sinking, there is more beyond. It was not so that I wanted to ‘give it all up’ before. I did had / have created enough basic foundation for myself in the past 7 years to already ‘know’ that there is more and at the same time, I did come in such a nice living environment in many ways that this is as a ‘soft bed’ for me, catching me while going through the mourning. However the sinking feeling was with me for weeks, every day again, without me knowing where or how it would decrease and still it is with me in a way. But it changed. It is like walking through and awakening from a nightmare; from a dark night and dark nights on end.

I noticed that ‘not living the best of me’ has many aspects involved of why I am not (yet) doing this, however a main aspect that I see is that it is somehow based on revenge. Revenge of the ego. We often and mostly focus on all the deeply saddening reasons, circomstances, influences and what more, however in every situation (if and when certain basics – food, roof, physical care and support – are covered) there comes a time where we are able to stand up and move towards the best version of ourself and if not, it is based on blame, revenge, resentment, no matter how much ‘fear’ is involved. And this is what I noticed within myself: not moving myself forwards, not ‘rising up’ is revenge in itself.

Note: how and where and why we developped it like this, is individual and personal for every one and it takes a process to move ourself through all the painfull, perhaps horryfic and abusive memories, situations, upbringings, circomstances etc etc. so to not baggetalize all the inner and outer horrors in the world, as it is an ‘accumulated nightmare’ in a way as how we have accepted and allowed ourself and this world to be and become.

What I found as well in this mourning process is a start, a decision to start with living words. I am already longer looking at this however I could not get a grip on it of where and how to start that did make sense to me – meaning not from a starting-point of ‘knowledge and information’ as this is ‘not making sense to me’ because it doesnot really integrate and keeps on in that way. I noticed that it first needed to become ‘empty’ in a way within me with actually the only possibility left to recreate and fulfill myself through the start of….living words.

What really supports me in this is to combine it with physical, tangable actions or examples, like how I write here, this can be a song or a training or a drawing. This gives more body and makes it easier for me to ‘embody’ it at the same time while redefining and even finding the words within and while the physical action or example takes place. A whole process ahead, to open up and explore with many options possible to combine it with and bring it into expression, within and as myself and my life.

When we find it in us, let’s Rise up. For the ‘you’ as ourself as Life as a whole. A thousand times. Until we Stand.

To be continued – thanks for reading.


PS directly after finalizing this blog my laptop crashed. For more context to process visit:




Proces van zelfverandering:
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog

The Secret to Self-Realisation:


Proces van wereldverandering:

Uil forgive



Dag 158 – Mourning in the Morning

I am Mourning in the Morning.

Zittend in een klein huisje alleen zie ik hoe ik mourn, rouw en hierin vast wil houden aan een ervaring van alleen zijn in de wereld. Bij ieder klein idyllisch huisje wat ik zie neig ik tot fantaseren over hoe het zou zijn om hier alleen te wonen. Een soort eenzaamheid geidealiseerd tot een idylle en vanuit deze idylle toch hopen op een ontmoeting met een ander in soortgelijke idylle. Ik realiseer me nu dat ik dit uit films heb opgepikt. En ik zie dat het in werkelijkheid niet zo werkt. Door het vasthouden, mournen in de idylle van eenzaamheid is er geen ruimte voor communicatie met een ander en blijft de idylle van eenzaamheid dus bestaan. Precies zoals bedoeld is, want deze idylle van eenzaamheid geeft een ervaring van mourning, rouw, welke energie genereert.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb energie te genereren in het mourning in eenzaamheid, waarmee ik mezelf vasthoud in een bestaan in bewustzijn in/als mourning.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf slachtoffer te voelen in de ervaring van mourning en de eenzaamheid die deze geeft zonder in te zien dat ik deze ervaring in eerste instantie zelf gecreeerd heb als idylle.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf slachtoffer gemaakt te hebben van mijn eigen gecreeerde idylle.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf gevangen te zetten en houden in mijn eigen gecreeerde idylle.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik vanuit deze idylle een persoon in soortgelijke idylle kan ontmoeten en van hieruit samen deze idylle stoppen, in plaats van in te zien dat deze idylle de ontmoeting en communicatie met een andere persoon belemmert.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb samen de illusie/idylle te willen stoppen, wat eigenlijk geen stoppen is maar een voortzetten van de idylle in eenzaamheid, maar dan samen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb de idylle van eenzaamheid helemaal niet te willen stoppen maar samen te willen voortzetten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb gezien te hebben dat ik deze idylle heb overgenomen uit films die ik gezien heb, waar 2 mensen in eenzaamheid elkaar ‘vinden’ en de eenzaamheid herkennen in elkaar wat een basis geeft om samen verder te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat de idylle van eenzaamheid een basis geeft om samen verder te leven, in plaats van in te zien dat de idylle van eenzaamheid gevangen houdt in de eigen idylle en dus meer eenzaamheid voortbrengt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat het mogelijk is om in een idylle van eenzaamheid te communiceren met een ander en zo de idylle te verbreken, in plaats van in te zien dat de idylle van eenzaamheid het onmogelijk maakt om te communiceren aangezien de idylle van eenzaamheid bezig is zichzelf in stand te houden en hierin mourning creeert om te blijven mournen, rouwen, in de idylle van eenzaamheid als de illusie/religie van zelf.

Ik realiseer me dat als ik de eenzaamheid wil stoppen en in de toekomst eventueel samen wil leven met iemand, ik zelf alleen de idylle die ik gecreeerd heb dien in te zien en te stoppen. Alleen ikzelf kan kiezen om de religie van zelf te stoppen en het mournen te stoppen waarin ik de idylle als religie van zelf in stand houd.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de mourning in the mourning specifiek te onderzoeken zodat ik kan zien waaraan ik vasthoud om energie te creeren in the mourning in the morning.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de specifieke relatie in/als angst tot mourning in het behoud van zelfreligie te stoppen, te onderzoeken en zelf te vergeven waarin ik ruimte creeer in mezelf tot communicatie in/als zelf met een ander.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel te stoppen met slachtofferschap en gelijk te gaan staan aan mijn eigen gecreeerde idylle.


Proces van zelfverandering:
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
Zelfeducatie free:
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life