Dag 778 – Am I originally / inherently good or do ‘I within’ need self-direction as well?

In a blog-serie last year I have written a lot about my walk through the years of fertility and what I have faced and found during this period. I have also described how I have diminished myself in a decision where in I did not give myself the time to consider all dimensions within myself and so not without as well, which has lead to consequences. Not persé that the decision in itself was ‘a bad decision’ but more the not considering was what I see that I have hurted myself with (and others as an outflow of this).

I am now walking through a phase where in I for the first time, start pushing through my ‘natural’ protection-mechanism as a ‘barriére’ so to speak. And I am quite surprised to see how strong the self-sabotage is coming up in this. Self-sabotage meaning, in several moments coming up a strong idea that I ‘need to get out of this’ and go back to my well-known confortable area in and as myself and so, in and as my life. Also here to say that this is not ‘bad’ or something and it served me very well to keep myself stable and strengthening myself in my tasks and responsibilities, but more that I see that there is an unknown area waiting from which I do not know the outcome and so actually, from which I do need to let go of the control of ‘already knowing where to go’ more or less and walking day by day and creating along the way with the opportunities opening up in this time-frame.

And this is exactly what I have been avoiding, for example in the example of decision making in the years of fertility, where in the new area felt so completely unsafe and me not yet having the skills and (self)-support to walk into it and so, I backed of, I pulled back. It very well possible, may have been the right decision in that moment, in which I have prevented myself and others, for a real ‘loosing of control’ or direction so to speak – I will never know,  but more based on what I see how much I lack in and as self-direction in this specific area of relationships and fertility and only by now, starting to opening up to be able to start to apply myself more directed.

I would like to give this as an example and these series that I have written and spoken as well, of how strong a self-limitation can come up and how realistic it may present itself, with all kind of reasonings that may be valid or not and even if the reasonings are ‘catched’ and made invalid within myself, still I surprisingly find ‘myself as a reason’ to not move forward and beyond the old, to stay in my well-known area of who I have been all these years before and probably many life-times before. So ‘the me within’ is not already shaped and done and developped as my utmost potential so as in so many spiritual trends is stated, as if inside we are already ‘good’. I find now that this is not the case; also ‘the me within’ is very much influenced and programmed and protective based.

What does very well support me in this is looking at the practical situation, the stability and possibilities and the effect of my decisions on others as well and with what decision I can stand in eternity, no matter what the final outcome is. So basicely, to keep standing within principle and integrity, is what is of support for myself to not go off track and to keep standing and moving and following up on what I have initiated and walked so far. Also when doubts, hesitations, reasons, preferences, emotions and even physical manifestations are coming up, then I have my point of cross-reference in/as myself: with what can I stand in eternity for and as myself in what is here in this moment and situation? Not as an absolute outcome for allways but as what is best right now and from here, walking from moment to moment and in consideration of how the mind can or may present itself (and so I within and as, because it is me in the end who decides) almost turned around, as a turned around projection of what is best; as a negative of a picture that needs to be developped with chemicals.

Considering all aspects that I see involved, within and without,putting a guard for my mouth to not speak in a way that create unneccessary consequences and to first seeing what is needed to forgive and correct within myself and what is real and practical and physical possible and from here, carefully moving forward into the direction that is physically opening up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow think and believe that if my intentions are good, that I am then ‘good’ as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that good intentions alone can give the opposite outcome in physical reality if and when I do not fully understand the functioning and programming of myself in/and/as my mind and within and as my beingness as well and how this is then actually me creating or participating in an evil outcome in and as this physical reality and if and when I am not willing to really look at this, I disable myself to forgive and correct my inherent evil nature that I am hiding within and behind good intentions.

I commit myself to discover, forgive and correct my good intentions and the ‘evil’ that is hiding behind it, in and as myself as the opposite of ‘life’ (as for example in self-interest, judgements and fears) and I commit myself in this way to enable myself to consider the physical, practical circumstances as well as the principles and integrity of Life itself as for example ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, as a guideline to create an outcome that is aligned with my potential to be and become a considering and trustable, living human being.

Bernard gave me the subject of ‘Paranoia in and as the intention of the New Age Movement‘ to write some blogs about in 2012 and I took this on (written in Dutch), however only by now, I start seeing it within myself and how I was/am holding on onto good intentions (and/as paranoia) within and as myself and keeping a backdoor open within this. During those time, he has assisted me with a few points that I am still walking and that I will write about more in time to come, as it is fascinating to see how his support (representing Life itself) stretches out over years and this to fully grasp what he was pointing out, to take on and walk through the programming within and as myself.

So far for now; thanks for reading.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Advertenties

Dag 378 – Loneliness – 1

Word Web

I have made a wordweb around the words loneliness, alone and aloneness on paper and applied self-forgiveness on the ingredients and connections out loud.

Here I move on with self-forgiveness on my relationship of positive feelings with 1 person (as a partner and only as company)  to work with the polarity that exist in the experience in loneliness and the search for fulfillment in relationships.

Feelings with 1 person (when being in a partnerrelationship):

not feeling alone as lonely

feeling carried

feeling like I have succeeded

feeling part of society, like joining in

feeling accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feeling alone as lonely when being with 1 other person in and as a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel carried when being with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have succeeded when being with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like part of society, like joining in, when being with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel accepted when being with a partner.

Feelings when being with 1 other person (not in partnership but as company):

joy

more light, not so heavy, able to self-reflect with humour

able to laugh

not so lost in the mindstructures

excited

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joy when being with another person as company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more light as not so heavy and able to self-reflect with humour, when being with another person as company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as heavy as alone when being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience alone to heavy by connecting the word alone to the word heavy and within this, connect myself as being alone as heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and experience myself as being alone as heavy, and within this believing that nobody wants to be with me because I believe I am so heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nobody wants to be with me for a longer time, because I believe I am so heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that every one who is with me for a longer time, becomes heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be able to laugh when being with another person as company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not so lost in the mind-structures when being with another person as company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when being with another person as company, in which I compromise myself as going ‘out of myself’ and within this, not being aware of what happens in my physical body in and as reactions which gives physical constrictions, and so within this, create a polarity of wanting to be with another human being and at the same time wanting to be alone, as not creating constrictions, where in I actually alone also create constrictions in and as the mind, in and as reaction on my own mind-patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create constrictions in and as reactions towards my own mind-patterns which I suppress in and as myself, to not feel all these reactions as rejections inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself in and as reaction on my own mind-patterns, alone and when being in company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like myself in and as the mind, and to be surprised everytime I see someone else in what I interpreted as happily expressing in and as the mind in full convincement, in which I think, how is this possible, and then start creating energy myself in and as reaction on this, and so, do not like myself in and as the mind, in and as reaction, and in this way, keep myself busy with reactions all the time, in and as judgements, experiencing myself as unable to stop this, and so isolate myself in and as being alone, looking for a relationship in and as the mind and at the same time being without company, so that I do not react so much on what I see as interpretation outside myself in and as the mind, in and as reaction and so that I do not see who I have become in and as self-judgement, projected outside myself, in which I think, how is this possible, until I decide, it’s enough, no more compromises which harms life as myself as life and within this having only one option left, which is standing up, standing alone, in and as self-investigation of who I am, have become and can be.

*

When and as I see myself going into reaction on somebody outside myself, I stop, I breathe.

Actually I donot know why I react in that specific moment, I basicly see it as a pattern, just reacting because of the sake of creating energy.

I realize that I cannot be here with myself if I judge everything inside myself in and as reaction as projection on the outside world.

I commit myself to stop reacting in and as the mind on somebody outside myself, and breathe.

I commit myself to investigate what happens in the moment of reaction inside myself specificely, to investigate, see, self-forgive, write out, what it is that I react on and/as what I judge in this in and as a reaction about and as myself, as a judgement about myself.

I commit myself to stand equal as accepting myself as who I exist in and as the mind, no matter what it is that I see, so that I can stop, embrace, stand equal, self-forgive and actually correct myself into a living being in and as the physical, breath by breath.

I realize how I have walked from the staring-point of not wanting to stand alone, and that I am not able to reach the bottom as grounding myself, as long as I am constricted in relationships in and as the mind, in and as emotional reactions and suppression.

I realize that I connect myself in and as emotion towards other emotions of other people, when actually it is not my emotion and I am not emotional about it but becoming emotional in and as this connection, just because of feeding the emotions.

I realize that I am walking in and as the mind in constrictions as assumptions, and within this, constrict myself in and as relationships, in and as the mind, in which I react emotionally in and as judgements, and manifest this reactions physically in and as the large intestine, in and as control.

I commit myself to investigate the assumptions in relation to alone, loneliness, relationships, and push myself to see beyond the balance in this in and as the mind, in and as a believe in what I have learned in this world as ‘real’ without questioning and investigating this to the bottom.

I commit myself to investigate the assumpions about relationships and standing alone to the bottom, so that I can reach the ground and stand up from the bottom, in and as a starting-point of self-honesty.

Winged – Exploring Self Intimacy

….Then I look within me and I realise: That I had deserted me through the manifestation of that which is not real: Judgment – and here I see – that I had done what I had become: That which is not real and desertion: Judgment as that which is not real I had become because I believed the lie that judgment is real and desertion of self because I deserted me through believing that judgment is real – and then manifesting this judgment within me, manifesting this desertion within me –which had become me as my entire world – as my entire experience as the desert of desertion and the mirages of what is not real…

Here I see – I finally see – that this desert is me – I manifested this desert as me because I deserted me – here I see – I finally see – that I these mirages are me -I manifested these mirages because I believed that which is not real is real: Judgment…. (Winged)

(For interviews as support with regards to the experience of loneliness, click on the links in the writing above).

Dag 374 – How Every Breath Counts

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

Dag 376 – Ignorance and preference – self-corrective statements

Dag 377 – The gift of Life by Roos – knowledge and information

———————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/