Dag 715 – Iemands eeuwige liefde winnen

eeuwige-liefde

Ik was op werk waar we muziek draaien op de achtergrond en omdat er maar 1 rustige zender is zet ik deze altijd op – hierin worden grotendeels ballads gedraaid. Dat is dus een goede oefening om fysiek aanwezig te blijven en niet te verdwijnen in de ervaringen die deze muziek kan oproepen en tevens zie ik dat ik hierin kan zien welke muziek, welke tonen en woorden, ervaringen in me activeren.

Er was een liedje met de woorden ‘she found my heart, like only a woman can’. Hierin zag ik een punt waarin ik emotioneel vast blijf houden aan een liefdeservaring zonder exact te begrijpen waar ik nou aan vast houd en dus zonder in staat te zijn om het te vergeven.

Ik zag een egopunt: een man willen redden en hiermee zijn eeuwige liefde winnen.

Punt is: dit heb ik 1x gedaan, ik heb het gegrond toegepast en toen ik eenmaal had gezorgd voor datgene wat hij miste als basis voor stabiliteit, zodra dit ‘binnen’ was, nam ‘de geest’ het over liet de man zelf het afweten, ik werd buitengesloten en als het ware ‘liet hij me vallen’. Wat natuurlijk niet echt kan, een ander ‘laten vallen’ en dus wat er ook snel gebeurde, is dat hij zelf viel en hij viel hard en verloor binnen korte tijd alles wat hij had opgebouwd en ik bleef staan.

Dus ik heb gezien dat het zo niet werkt, hoeveel iemand ook zegt ‘van me te houden’ – het zegt niets over de werkelijke zelftoewijding en commitment. En toch bestaat deze gedachte nog in mij als ‘liefdes-ervaring’ en dit werd zichtbaar voor me door de woorden van dit liedje. Aangezien ik een praktijkvoorbeeld heb geleefd waarin ik zelf heb gezien dat het zo niet werkt en ik toch blijf vasthouden – dan heb ik een punt van eigenbelang gemist hierin en zo ‘mis’ ik (een deel van) mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te denken en geloven dat als ik vanalles voor een man doe en maar laat zien hoeveel ik kan geven en waartoe ik in staat ben, dat hij die zegt van me te houden, hierdoor ook werkelijk ‘bij me blijft’ en zal veranderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te denken en geloven dat een man zal veranderen ‘voor een vrouw’ waarvan hij zegt te houden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te denken en geloven dat een ervaring van liefde een man ertoe aanzet om te veranderen, dat dit sterker weegt dan de weerstand en het eigenbelang, in plaats van in te zien, realiseren en begrijpen dat een ‘houden van’ als ervaring tevens als eigenbelang bestaat als tegenpool van angst en als ‘ophoping’ (van een ‘hopen op’) van allerlei negatieve ervaringen en gedachten gebaseerd op angst.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb zelf vanuit angst, te geloven dat de liefde sterk genoeg is om de angst te overwinnen zodat ik de ervaring van liefde en ‘te worden bemind’ kan blijven bewaren, zonder in te zien, realiseren en begrijpen dat deze positieve ervaring van liefde bestaat als de andere kant van de medaille van angst.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb dus vast te willen blijven houden aan angst, gemaskeerd als liefde.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te denken en geloven dat een man niet bij me blijft vanuit zichzelf en dus probeer ik zijn liefde te winnen waarna hij eigenlijk niet meer weg kan zo denk ik, aangezien hij ‘aan me gebonden is’ door alles wat ik voor hem gedaan heb en ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb zo een ruilhandel te maken van een zogenaamde liefdesrelatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te denken en geloven dat ik ‘liefde moet winnen’ en dat ‘liefde eeuwig is’ en ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb op deze manier mezelf vast te zetten voor eeuwig in een rondcirkelende ervaringscyclus in en als de geest.

De woorden in deze ‘lovesong’ maken ook duidelijk hoeveel verantwoordelijkheid we (als mensheid al geheel) hebben afgeschoven en geprojecteerd op de liefde als ervaringstoestand, zonder deze liefde te herdefiniëren als een praktische toepassing die plaatsvindt vanuit een punt van zelfoprechtheid, zelfverantwoordelijkheid en gelijkheid en tevens is hier in mezelf zichtbaar hoeveel impact zo’n ‘geloof’ heeft op mezelf, op mijn vermogen om een situatie met gezond verstand te benaderen en van hieruit, mijzelf richting te geven en mijn leven op te bouwen op een manier die stabiel en zelfzorgzaam is en wederzijds ondersteunend en zo het beste voor mijzelf en anderen.

Maar ook, hoe met zo’n liedje over ‘liefde’ als deze, de verantwoordelijkheid bij de vrouw wordt gelegd en hierin een man zich afhankelijk maakt van haar en zo niet langer verantwoordelijk is voor zichzelf om zichzelf te verbeteren, alsof de man deze eigenschappen niet voor/in zichzelf kan ontwikkelen en alsof een vrouw dit voor een man zou moeten/kunnen zijn. Het is een vreemde afhankelijkheid die we hebben gecreëerd in liefdesrelaties.

De relaties die we nu aan gaan, zullen al deze punten naar voren brengen zodat we hier stuk voor stuk verantwoordelijkheid voor kunnen gaan nemen en zodat ieder, man en vrouw, op en als zichzelf kan leren staan. Waarin we als punt van ondersteuning aanwezig leren zijn. Dit brengt de pijn mee van het onder ogen zien van de cycli die we gecreëerd hebben en het stoppen ervan.

black-woman(…)

“A near death experience is a mental pain where you access the design of the mind – not the real mind, the real mind has no design, it has no perception, it has no experience, it cannot be seen, it does not exist as anything. Because to be something, means to be limited…..come on common sense.

We at Desteni don’t have to do this. We are here therefor we do it. To support so that the amount of suffering and pain, if possible, could be alleviated a little bit but there will be pain, much pain, much suffering for everyone because of the dishonesty, understand;

for every little cycle you have allowed, you will have to walk through it; even if you forgive it will not stop. You will pay for it, meaning you will have to face it again and go through the pain of stopping it. It will not go away. If your life is without pain, you are dishonest. You are creating your life without pain if you are suppressing what is real. You are not considering the pain that takes place in this consistence. Hear me.

There is no infinity. You are not an infinite being – you are infinitely fucked. Realize that.”

Uit: The Design of Infinity


Proces van zelfverandering:
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

 

 

 

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Dag 626 – “Hey, I have changed!”

change-gifI was reading a few old blogs from myself where in I walked a process with the animals. Here I have written pretty much about how I ignored life in a point at a crucial moment and how I did not accept that anymore from/as myself.

Now, more than a year later when reading back, I see that I really walked through this point and changed myself within. I am not deliberately ignoring points anymore by going into my mind. I am not saying that I am aware all the time, that is still a process that I am walking. But I see that within the point of ignorance of my responsibility in a certain moment I have seen what I did wrong, I faced myself within, I have written it out, walked through the experiences coming up within myself, forgiven myself, written the corrective statements and most important, made the absolute decision to change in this point and from here, I changed.

I notice that when I am at a point of really seeing what I have accepted and allowed within myself, facing myself within the unacceptable and understanding what it contains, what system I am participating in, in/as the mind as distraction from myself and within this understanding / forgiving myself – from here the decision is absolute, it is enough and enough is enough and from here, I change in real time, immediately and it is simply not an option anymore to live out  the destructive pattern again. There are moments coming up where I have to push myself through and do things that I ‘do not prefer or like’ and there may be mistakes that I make and need to forgive and correct myself in and deeper dimensions can/will come up to investigate, but it is not an option to not doing it or to even consider to not doing what is needed to be done within this point.

And from here I become more quiet, more satisfied with myself. In this way I build in and as self-trust and from here I can take on the next point, and the next and the next. And this innitiate point is not an issue anymore, it is not a problem anymore but it is something that I decided to live and that I from here, live and integrate in what I live/how I live/who I am.

And this is very cool to notice. Not because ‘it is so cool and wonderful that I have changed‘ but because it is so cool that I have changed within/as this point, which contains that I am not living this destructive pattern/behaviour anymore where in I hurted myself and another as life.

Here I see the effectiveness of walking this process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrections together with walking this application in real time moments and integrating this as a ‘way of living’ as what is best for all in/as life. It are the very painful moments where real shame comes up, where in I face myself and if I dare to look, to see myself, to experience the pain and shame, to forgive and to admit to myself that I did it badly wrong; these moments I have found as the turning-points to immediate, real change that will function as stepping-stones to walk on and to keep on walking and forgiving/changing myself while moving through the challenging times.

Here the words ‘change is possible’ become true as real for/as myself and from here I start ‘believing’ as seeing that change is possible, where it is not an assumed/accepted believe in/as the mind but a living proof in/as myself that I walk and integrate and after several time walking, I notice: ‘hey, I have changed within this point and I am living this change without it being a mountain in my head to look up to’.

So for this, I really recomment Desteni I process and walking this process for yourself together within a group of people as mutual support, as support for and as life to stand up for what is best for all. Which includes everyone and everything.

full_robot-virgins-together-alone

Download this great song, it’s free. Let’s decide and learn to stand together alone.

Read: The Secret to Self-Realisation.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 589 – The mind-body relationship – The pain of allowance, within and without

remove-the-cords-self-change-deschooling-desteni_thumb

Yesterday evening around 10 pm, a cramping pain came up in the large intestine at the height of the right ovarium. This is a place where from time to time, I experience cramping. It is a cramping that asks all my attention and I need to sit down and look what is going on where the sitting gives some physical support on my lower back (which is comfortable, especially because I am also having my period). In the hours before there did not so much happen, I had written out a time-line within my DIP Pro lesson and I did not experience a particulair emotion. So I started to look back through the day to see if I could find anything related. I do this by focussing on the pain and ‘scroll’ within myself through moments during the day that stood out for me. I also from time to time, lay down on the ground or on the bed and push firm and gentle on the painfull spot to see what emotion is stored here, especially when it is coming up in the morning and I often find it related to ‘sentences’ as assumptions with related emotions that I have stored in the past without being aware of it and/or without willing to be aware of it.

However yesterday night I started with scrolling through the past day. I entered a moment, looked into possible reactions/emotions within myself and see if there is any movement within the specific/painfull area. I entered a conversation that I had with a woman at work that made an impression on me. The woman had been in the store once before for some physical support and she came back for some new products and told me that what we had discussed and that what she took home, was giving the support that was required. She told me that she wanted to ask me a question and that I could decide to answer or not answer. Her question was how many males and females talks to me about sexual abuse and how much this subject is, from my perspective, ‘in the open’ so to speak. She shared that she was writing a book about the subject of sexual abuse and she mentioned some numbers that were very high and that The Netherlands is one of the countries where it takes place very often. She mentioned how investigations gave numbers of relations between for example intestine-problems and sexual abuse and between crimes and sexual abuse, meaning that from 70% of the intestine-problems and from the crimes that took place, there was sexual abuse involved where in females tend to manifest this more intern (physical) as problems and where males tend to manifest it more extern as problems as ‘crimes’.

I was deeply touched by what she mentioned, also in relation to the amount of males that are subject of sexual abuse, used as a way to control, for example in war-area’s and how they rarely speak about it because ‘they should be the ones that are protecting the family’.

A few months ago, I noticed a similar physical reaction within myself, related to facing the abuse in the world in/as a ‘wake-up moment’ and suppressing my reaction on this as supressing/hiding the reaction of pain for what is happening in this physical world and I experience this suppression as cramping inside the lower area’s of the large intestine where I can hardly stand anymore, I need to sit or lay down and support myself to release the pain.

This previous event was related to animal-abuse and happened while I was listening/realising how the chickens that everyone is eating on a daily base, are treatened and prepared. As soon as I allow myself to face the abuse in the world and allow myself to experience the related emotional pain, the physical pain releases. Actually in this moment, I stop the separation here within and as myself – the separation from my emotional reaction on the abuse in and as this world – and as soon as I stop suppressing my emotional reaction and instead, start taking responsibility for my reaction in and as the application/living of self-forgiveness, I stop the abuse on myself/my physical body. This was also yesterday evening. I look, I see, I allow myself to experience the emotional pain and if necessary, speak out self-forgiveness until it is releasing and/or to find where the pain is related to.

There was also a personal aspect related to the mentioning of the relationship between sexual abuse and intestine-problems. It was a realization inside myself as ‘you see, it is indeed related’. In my life, there has not been taken place some actual physical sexual abuse, however at a young age there were incidents from sexual intimidation within for my experience an ‘innocent relationship’, where the incidents have been of great influence on my behaviour and general expression. It was all so very subtile that it is easily to be surpressed and ‘swept’ away as ‘of not so much importance’ and at the same time I am/was every moment aware of the influence that I allowed it to have on me, in almost every aspect of myself. Lately I am facing more of the incidents/events as memories and within this seeing how and where to take responsibility for myself in it and stop defining myself as how I reacted within this events which I developped into a personality.

The realization gave a release of the guilt that I experienced with regards to my physical conditions as having a sensitive digestion and spastic colon, as if ‘everything was my own fault’ in this. It is not ‘my fault’ but it is indeed and only my responsibility to take care of myself within this condition as my physical body that I live in. I am the only one who is responsible for myself and/as my mind in and as my physical body, as I am the only one who can see how I created all the relationships within and as myself, from and as memories as events during my life and although there is DNA involved and preprogramming, it is still the mind that I allowed to evolve in and as myself and the body that I live in and that is my responsibility; only I live day and night with and as myself, in and as my physical body that I can call ‘mine’ in a way, so it is my responsibility to take care of, in and as myself (where we should take into consideration how everyone and everything is of influence on each other in this physical existance and how easily this physical existance can be harmed).

There are many dimensions involved here where in the suppression of emotional reactions do have an influence on my physical body, that I have allowed myself many times throughout my live, if I take in consideration the condition of a the spastic colon that I have allowed/created to exist in and as myself. Central in this, is the acceptance and allowance of the emotional reactions as self-abuse, as reactions on abuse that is happening ‘to me’ and/or that is happening in this world and from here, suppressing it within my physical body where I try to separate myself from the experiences that gives and showes the pain and abuse. Which is actually a form of denial. Because, “Once you’ve Allowed Abuse, you’ll become Abuser”.

(Source: Interviews from the Farm 60: Candida and Self abuse)

The pain and abuse that we accept and allow within this existence, we can not deny and hide from it; it is here within ourselves, within and as our physical bodies.

Accept and Allow – Contract with Death: Day 22

Accepteren en Toestaan – Het Contract met de Dood: Dag 22 (vertaling)

desteni-i-process

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 442 – A physical experience of pure fear

Full quantum mind self awareness step 3

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It was a busy week with facing myself in some points related to control and ending up with a few days where in I was aware of participating in fear. I felt I was putting some strain on my body but was not yet realy able to stop myself within the moment. So I walked through, solved the point and my body started relaxing again. However, the next day I became ill, a headache and nausea started coming up during the day and reached it’s top in the evening. Here – same as I have experienced before – an experience came up as ‘this is unbearable’, by which I knew okay, hold on, keep standing within and it will open up. So I did. Here it was up to me to keep standing and not stay ‘focussed’ on a ‘point opening up’ in case I would keep myself constricted in ‘consciousness focussing on a point’. So I moved on with the normal daily tasks (which was in the evening and contained things like prepairing for bed) and here in the points came up as physical experiences of the fear that I had manifested within my body. The headache had in the mean time spreaden from the neck-occupy-bones throughout my head, within my throat, up to the nose and sinusses. Here it started burning for a moment, I could breathe in it, and it fade away. It moved like this through my head, the throat and fade away, until it came up within my chest and I felt a real strong burning, itching sensation, which I experienced as fear, pure fear. And so I experienced and realised how this headache and nausea and pain in the head, throat, sinusses, came forward out of an experience of fear within my chest, where in the moment that it happened, I had missed this within my chest, I experienced fear and adrenaline and restlessness but I did not experience the physical respons for what it really was. So I ‘got this back’ later. I Could quite easily walk through because the sinusses are not aerea’s where in I have build up chronic discomfort so there was no new fear connected to this. (The chronic discomfort I have build up within my intestines and is for further investigation how the fear manifested and misformed the muscle-tissue and mucus in there). One point is staying for longer as a slight headache around the left occupy-bone, which I feal related to movements within the intestine; I have this more often, I understand it is related to ‘reacting to reactions’ and I start seeing how it is related to constant activation in/as the mind but I am not yet clear on this point and have to walk this in specifity.

I have never experienced this fear so very physically within my chest and it made me clear how penetrating this experience of fear in/as the mind is.  So an occasion triggers/activates the quantum mind (related to a memory where in we have had an experience of ‘loosing control’ in/as the mind) which gives this experience of fear where in the body goes for a moment into a physical shock, as an inbreathe and not breathing through; the physical body ‘stands still’ for a moment at the moment of this activation of the quantum mind, penetrating the physical flesh. Which in itself is a very scaring moment. Scaring as frightening as scaring as making a scarf in the physical flesh within this moment of penetration. And so because we are not in breath but in a moment of an experience of ‘loosing control’ in/as fear, we are not physically experiencing what is happening within and towards the physical body, as we are kept within our own minds in a moment of ‘scare’ or ‘fright’ (schrik in Dutch).

This brought me towards ‘fear for this fear’, as ‘how can I stop myself from this moment of fright as an occasion that triggers this, will take place’. Where in I remember Bernard who said to me, when I asked him what to do with fear, he said ‘it’s a thought’. So I have to become aware of the thoughts within that moment in/as the quantum mind which would actually trigger my own fear, as thoughts are all little judgements which are very scaring, for myself and/or another. And these thoughts are triggered within an outside occasion on which we normally project on and connect towards the whole experience of fear that we have, and so within this, we keep ourselves dependent on these outside occasions ‘waiting’ for this fear getting activated.

I have to walk it back until I see how I create the whole experience and physical consequense, so that I can prevent myself from going into this, after first facing and forgiving myself within this while walking it in real time, for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself while creating this experience again. And if I see how I create it, I will be able to stop, forgive, correct myself and eventually prevent myself from walking into the same pattern over and over again and within this, prevent the physical body to go into the physical pattern as well which harms the body at the same place over and over again. I can give my physical body the neccasary nutrients to recover itself, but it is up to me to stop and change my patterns that create the physical consequenses in the first place. And when I am already within physical consequence I have missed several points and thoughts that activates the quantum mind and lead to this consequence and so this enlarge the pattern of fear, as in/as the mind it feels like ‘I am not able to do anything about this, it is beyond my control’. Which is the control of the mind; and in/as the mind, I exist in/as control, where in I will not be able to support myself physically as I will keep looking for ‘mind-solutions’, which are actually solutions in/as control, in/as limitations of the mind existing in and as energy, controling the whole physical body. Within this, I am locked in by my own consciousness.

This is as far as I am able to describe it at the moment. I will keep on walking this until I am totally clear on it and able to prevent myself from creating physical consequenses within my own body. If and when I am able to prevent myself from physical harm in any given moment,  I am standing stable and being trustworthy, for myself and for others in/as life. I will not know how long this will take and if I am gonna make it at all; I am only able to move on within this process where in I see the physical progress within myself with my own physical body as a point of reference, until it’s done.

Thanks.

(Note –  I write here ‘occupy-bone’ instead of ‘occipital bone’ as a mistake in writing from myself – see comment below this blog – however I leave it in as it is funny indeed how I made ‘occupy’ from it where being occupied with the mind-backchat may lead to pain/pressure around the area of the occipital bones in the back of the head)

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/