Dag 805 – Recognizing it for what it is

I was looking at an experience within myself. A recurrent experience. The experience on itself comes up in me as self-hate. It circled over and over again but I was not able to stop it or look further into it. Looking as for example investigating; is it hate towards myself, is this possible or is it actually an experience / memory of hate towards another and then projected onto myself / my body? Still no progress.

Then I found, it is not hate, it is fear. There is always a fear behind it. So every time when the experience did come up, I reminded myself, it is fear; what is the fear behind it? I did not yet find an answer but within this, the experience of self-hate stopped, the attack on myself, inside myself, towards myself, stopped as it is a step towards self-responsibility. as in ‘not pushing it aside / away’ – towards my intestine for example, so an attack on my physical body – but the experience turned around and the question ‘what is the fear behind it?’ is bringing the experience upwards, towards the heart-area, closer towards ‘myself’ so to speak.

Another thing I see related is an experience of deep regret that I felt stored in my physical body, in the lower parts of my large intestines. I mentioned this towards Sylvie and she recommended an interview from the Atlanteans about regret. I did not yet listen but for the moment work with what she found so far (because it hit home for me):

“It is an emotional energy (with an experience of turning in the stomach) or it is a construct created through structural thinking-processes. With the last, self-judgements are related, as in ‘I wish I had done this or that’ etc.” (Dutch: “Het is of een emotionele energie (met maag draaiengevoel) of een constructie gecreeerd door structurele denkprocessen. Bij die laatste zijn zelfoordelen van de partij van had ik maar zo en zus, enzo”)

The last I recognized and made sense directly. There is a deep deep self-judgement existing within me and it takes my breath away; so with this self-judgement, I take my own breath away, I break down and cry. I would say it is as an ongoing attack towards myself and it feels like ‘I will never be able to come through this’.

This makes sense as here it all comes down to myself and what I am doing to myself. It is not already ‘solved’ with this and my body is still strained and / as it needs to be specified and forgiven, but it is a progress, a step forward and inward, towards myself.

Bernard also told me before in a different context, “you need to name / recognize it for what it is”. If I define it as something different, I am not able to open it up. So a sign that nothing is changing and that I am circling in the same experience over and over again, may indicate that I define an experience as something that it is not, or only a very small part of it and so I unable myself to forgive myself and go deeper. As I keep myself separated for what I have hidden inside of me.

So to start opening it up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep circling in an experience of self-hate without making any progress and without being able to stop myself in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear something and turn this into hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project hate onto my own intestine and attack my own intestine for not working properly, without being able to look further at what I am really doing inside myself, towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on a very deep level without being able to specify what I judge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away by judging myself for what I did or did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for every mistake, the small, the big and fear to be judged for every mistake, the small, the big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk on egg-shells inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to really relax with who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think and believe that I could have done better, trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and so fear consequences as I believe that with making consequences, I deserve punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘doing my best’ for a point of self-interest, in trying to keep something that I prefer and within this, trying to prevent consequences and walking on egg-shells, so that ‘I am not to blame’ which is my own back-lash coming at me, as a sabotage-pattern, to blame myself afterwards for ‘what I could have and should have’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step on myself and keep myself small, stamping myself in the ground so to speak with this construct, trying to stay invisible in perfectionism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack myself as soon as I even consider stepping outside / moving beyond a (pre)programming and so keeping myself imprisoned in my own mind-control, in fear for my own emotional self-attack and in hate of my own obedience towards control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep so much hate hidden and existing within me instead of embracing myself in my own rejected parts, constructs, experiences, protections and everything that I hide within me, piece by piece.

And so, I commit myself to become more gentle, more loose with myself, to distinguish between when to push and when to embrace myself, to distinguish in what I am able to and what not, to distinguish in my starting-point: is it fear or self-honesty? To define as specific as possible what I go through and to look directly in why I did do or not do something within the context and moment it is in and to no longer take it out of the context, into the future as a form of self-abuse of how I should have and could have because what is clear, I could not and so should not, otherwise I would have done it already. And from here, I commit myself to start trusting myself in where I am in my process and what I am able to and what not.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 798 – Perfectionism #self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all my attention and focus on one area trying to ‘get attention’ to fulfill myself with, to feel better and loved and appreciated, as an endless bucket that is never full(filled) because my starting-point is from outside –> inwards instead of from inwards –> outwards, into and as a self-expression and sharing of myself as an infinite living being and grounding and ‘filling’ myself in and as my physical substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how perfectionism from a starting-point in / as the mind – so channeling myself and my expression in and as an energetic ‘perfect’projection – does never have enough and so I experience myself and what I give as ‘never enough’ and so I experience for example what another is giving, also as ‘never enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an age of sixteen, think and believe that having a perfect body, will give the attention from ‘men’ and ending up in a ‘fulfilling’ partnership that I am looking for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the underlying (lying as self-dishonest) starting-point of perfectionism where my expression and physical energy is channeled into one specific area, is creating an uncomfortable ‘environment‘ as resonance and will attract others with a different form of perfectionism towards themselves and so if and when not recognized, projected towards me as well and so we are together creating an uncomfortable mutual environment with undefined expectations underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how perfectionism – if not redefined in a grounded way – is not realistic and coming from pictures, movies, stories, memories, connected all together and merged into an undefined and underlying expectation of what life / another should give me, instead of bringing everything back to self and then making it about self-perfectionism in a realistic way and starting to ‘give what I would like to receive’ and being clear for myself and another of what I accept and allow and what not and so, starting to live what I am specifying myself into and as in a considering and practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself when the physical is not showing what I am expecting in where I have channeled myself into and as energy / the mind and so only pushing myself and my self-expression back into suppression, instead of using the misalignment between my ‘inner’ reality (mind) and my physical reality as a map to see where my expectations are coming from and via self-forgiveness, bringing the pieces back to myself and redefine it into a substantial, practical, considering and realistic self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I am creating in ‘perfectionism’, I expect an ‘instant picture’ ready and settled, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how within specifying who I am in a considering way, is an infinite creating process going on and it’s not really ‘settled and done’ but more ‘on the move’ and substantiating along the way, as how I am substantiating myself along the way, expanding from inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my joy for living through too much focus on perfectionism and reaching a goal within this, instead of considering as much dimensions as possible within and around myself and bringing this together in a practical goal that I can walk, alter and expand on along the way.

I commit myself to catch myself in the limiting pictures of perfectionism that I have stored within myself and my physical body, to forgive the energetic attachments and to find a seed of my expression deep within and while doing so, specify myself /this expression into a ‘voice of myself’ as my stand, my expression, my words, my actions, my presence in a considering, caring, supportive and realistic / practical way and to find my joy while walking, investigating, forgiving, specifying, redefining, creating and expanding.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive