Dag 720 – 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’

This blog is related to record 8: Feeling like ‘going of my path’

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘going of my path’ if I would continue with the pregnancy, coming forward out of a ‘not knowing how’ and an experience of ‘not being able to’ keep standing on my own feet alone when I would continue with the pregnancy as what I did ‘forsee’ in this is me stepping in a relationship that I did not want to step in at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like compromising myself if and when I would step in that relationship while continuing with the pregnancy instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I not necessarily would compromise myself by stepping in but that it would depend on ‘who I am’ within and also, that I had already compromised myself from the beginning (by not taking everything into consideration as how I wrote out in a blog before) and so, each a decision would somehow/somewhere compromise a part of myself within physical reality as that part that I did not consider at first but that within this, I could and am able to take responsibility for myself in my initial decision and consequenses, through and as the living of self-forgiveness and while doing so, stop the compromising patterns within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have a ‘path’ that I need to follow without seeing, realizing and understanding that this so called ‘path’ is preprogrammed and determined to keep me in a program in/as the mind consciousness system, if and when I do not stand up and change myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot step in ‘my path’ as a preprogrammed design and so, break off every single thing that I see as ‘my path’ instead of seeing a preprogramming as a design support to show me where and how I have separated myself from myself as the directive principle of who I am, in every situation.

And so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a polarity experience with ‘my path’ of ‘not wanting to step in’ and at the same time, ‘not being allowed to step out’ and within this, keep myself at a point of not changing or expanding anything because of not being able to step in or start anything for myself with regards to relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my experience of depression and within this, having a fear of a post-natal depression if and when I will continue the pregnancy and within this, perceiving myself completely loosing my directive principle within this situation that ‘may happen in future’, if and when I decide to keep the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that depression in itself is a form of victimization of myself and from here, a form of manipulation of my envirionment that does not go ‘how I want’ and so, I do not see, realize and understand how I make myself dependent on my environment and so, I am pulling myself back from ‘my environment’ as a temptation to keep a form of control in/as the mind as how I perceive who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make ‘who I am’ as my directive principle, dependent on my environment by thinking and believeing that ‘how I feel is who I am’ and so, try to control and manipulate my environment within an experience of depression and from here, decide to follow up this control within and as myself and so, control myself, my pregnancy, my unborn child and the father of the unborn child within a decision to have an abortion as the only way that I see to stand up within this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even say sorry to the father of the unborn child and find it ‘my right’ to make the decision for myself without involving him but only ‘notifying’ him after that I have made ‘my decision’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the pregnancy as something that deep within myself I wanted and wanted to continue and let the child come and do everything possible to stand by and walk with, although the situation is not really what I wanted or actually ‘felt’ like it was not really what I wanted because of experiences of resistance towards the father of the unborn child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own experiences of resistance above life itself and give my experiences and so my mind consciousness system more value than myself and a child and a father and other family, in and as life, by not involving them within my decision making, not on forehand and not afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into a situation where whatever decision I would make, it would have consequenses, this because of following up on two thoughts and making a decision in a split second, made without awareness, meaning, without considering all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on judging myself and so keep myself prison within thoughts, feelings and emotions, related to bringing myself and/as others into this position of victimization, instead of taking responsibility for myself by forgiving myself and from here, unconditionally letting it go to a point of not creating it again and considering the spark of life that is involved and existing, within and without.

Here to mention that I do see what ‘reasons’ has led to this decision as reasons that are not ‘my fault’ but that are more consequences of how I as a human have accepted and allowed myself to develop as a systematized being, passed from generation to generation without seeing a way to effectively direct myself, which is something that I will take responsibility for further in this series.

When and as I see myself tending to make a decision without involving the ones that are physically involved in a situation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I try to follow a desire or wished outcome where in I do not consider all dimensions involved.

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for participating in and believing the desire and wished outcome to be real or best and from here, discuss on forehand the possibilities with the ones that are involved within a situation so that the decision can be made within consideration of as much dimensions involved as possible within that moment.

When and as I see myself participating in a polarity related to a programming within myself, of oneway, not willing to step in and at the same time, feeling like not being able to step out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I keep myself stuck and waiting in not making and walking a decision, related to wanting a ‘certain outcome’ instead of focussing on ‘who I am’ within ‘what I walk’, where I am not sure of the outcome in future, as an outcome in physical reality is depending on so many dimensions and also others that are involved and also because I may not yet see all dimensions as well.

I commit myself to focus on ‘who I am’ within ‘what I walk’ and within this, see what is best to do within each related moment again and to see what information I may need more to have a more clear sight.

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for a fear coming up of loosing a certain outcome and within this, forgive myself for a fear (so judgement) of loosing an opportunity of how I perceive how I would experience myself in a certain situation and at the same time, investigate why I fear/judge myself for ‘loosing an opportunity to experience myself a certain way’ and forgive myself accordingly – within the realization that fear and judgement is actually consisting of a thought that is bringing forward certain feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of depression, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not standing in my directive principle but that I am depending ‘how I feel’ on my environment and others around me and that I am not satisfied with certain things within my life and so, within myself.

I commit myself to see what I want/would like from my environment and others around me that I make myself depending on and from here, see how I can bring this back to myself and search for the ‘quality’ or experience within, so that I can bring this quality/experience back to myself, forgive myself for the attached emotions and feelings, see if there is a thought/memory related and from here, redefine it into a living word that I can eventually live as a self-expression and sharing with others in maybe a different way than I initially had attached it towards within and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate what I am not satrisfied with within/as myself and from here, see how I can embrace, make peace with it, forgive and expand myself in this certain area, slowly and in small steps.

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Previous blog: 7. The moment of truth

Next blog: 9. Ignoring some signs within myself


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Dag 624 – Prison Solutions: walking the internal process

fear

I have walked some time with a male who has been in jail for a year during the time that I already knew him. He has to go for an ‘old imprisonment’ that was still open and that he would have to sit out when he goes back to his own country. The reason for having to go to jail in the first place was that he years ago, did steal some copper from the railways to sell for money so simply said, the reason was money to live from.

He did not mention so much about this time, only that it was really not fun to be there. However I also saw some benefits in him as he was there for a year without any distraction or possibilities to distract himself with for example enslaving substances and the days were very structured which seemed to have a stabilizing effect on him.

The point that I want to see into here is that this time in jail, could be used so much as a time to prepare someone to step back into society as how it exists today. There is a video made about this subject where a practical aspect is discussed. Here I want to discuss the more internal support that we all need to really be able to direct ourselves within a world full of distractions that are around us everyday, well especially in the western countries of course with lots of choices and within this, the experiences of not being able to participate within the making of these choices because of not having the money to do so, which distracts again.

So wouldn’t it be of most benefit for everyone if during this time in jail – where we leave out the starting-point of the existance of jails in itself, as this is a point in itself that needs to be questioned and looked at – the persons/beings in jail will receive support and supportive material to start learning who they really are, how and what they/we all exist of as human beings within a physical body and a mind and why someone is coming to a point of ‘going to jail’ in the first place?

The only thing that is needed is the possibility for writing and someone or more ones who will stand as a buddy (meaning someone who is walking the same internal process), to read the words and ‘walk’ with someone through their mind and in the first place, to support in getting to know ones own mind and how this is build up.

I can already say by now that if this male would have received such support in his own language for a year, his life after jail would have most likely, been better directed by/for himself and so, would have been different, with different chances/possibilities opening up and him being able to step in, keep standing and better understanding what is needed to be done to make a living in this world.

This year in jail can be a year of self-introspection and of learning essential life-skills so that when one comes out, one is better prepared to live within this world of distractions and choises and direct oneself through and within. If everyone is doing this in jail, there will be an equal participation and so, the time in jail will be much more quiet and equal and can even become a time of mutual support and understanding from the point of understanding oneself and understanding oneself, means the ability to forgive oneself and from here one will be able to really understand and forgive another.

Only from this point of self-understanding, one will be able to correct oneself and so, create a different life for oneself than one has lived before going to jail. So jail could actually be a place of transformation and this would be very usefull, where by now, time in jail is mostly seen and lived as a ‘waste of time’ and after this, same song starts repeating.

At the moment such support is not available and one cannot decide for oneself to make it available as the support is provided on internet and internet-connections are not allowed in jail. One can write on paper for oneself, however then one needs to be already familiair with the support-methods which is in most cases not so. And also the quards should be walking the same process and then there would really be an environment of mutual support and understanding.

This may sound odd and ‘far from my bed’ for most people but actually it is very simple and practicle, which most practical solutions actually are. Because the only thing that is practical needed, additional to what is already existing in and as the concept of jail as how it exists today, is an internet-connection that only gives access to the support-method with a buddy. So the big issue here is existing within our own minds and so the question is: are we willing to change our ‘mind-set’ and willing to see inside ourselves, instead of pointing fingers to others or anything outside us?

The fact that it is almost ‘unthinkable’ that something like this would exist in an prison-environment where quards are standing as a point of support instead of standing as a point of ‘control’, shows how far away we are from physical reality and real care-taking for each other. It shows how we are imprisoned within and as ourselves, in our own limitations in our head – so within so without – and this is something that we need to change.

Start today if you have the possibility to do so.

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