Dag 800 – The relationship with me

I was discussing the relationship with me / myself and describing that I do not really recognize a sense of self as my beingness. As if it is veiled, vague, hidden but at the same time ‘knowing that it is there’ (which seems as a mind-description with the words ‘knowing’ and ‘there’). It is as if I very well know or even be aware that ‘I am here’ but somehow not recognizing myself as such. In which I see an abdication of responsibility.

My buddy from the Desteni I Process gave as an example ‘that part of me that never ages’- that I do recognize within myself as being present.

During the days after, I did see another point of recognition, where I from a young age see opportunities of how things may work out, as for example changing my room and seeing a possibility in a certain set-up, although another does not recognize this as ‘possible’ and from here I start trying / creating this and yes, it often works out. I did get the space to develop this while growing up and here I see how this space to explore is supportive to integrate this sense of self.

Then, I do see a self-judgement, so a judgement on myself, which is my beingness, and this projected (hidden within me) on others when they step forward within the strength of their beingness. This correlates with being mentioned that we often ‘fear’ our own beingness where the ‘self-fear’ and the ‘self-judgement’ are actually the same. As if ‘I do not have the right to fully be here’ but only in one dimension (that is understood by the mind), which makes me tip-toeing around.

Opening up with self-forgiveness on what is veiling this relationship with and as myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tiptoe around within an idea that I do not have the right to be fully here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others within myself who are ‘too much’ present in my eyes, as if they draw all the attention towards them and nothing is left for me / those that are not so much on the foreground, waiting to be ‘invited’ in a way to step forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some kind of ‘silent way’ to draw attention to myself and to put my physical appearance and expression in the forefront without using words to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have defined myself in words, as if I have lived decades, ages, many lives, in silence, not having the words to express myself and only being here by physical appearance, wordless, speechless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kind of being scared from my own voice filling a space, as if it is too load and not appropriate to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is not appropriate to use my voice without anyone asking or inviting me to do so and still then, I am hesitating to really express myself and some kind of rush myself through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself through to express myself, thinking and believing that others will be bored by what I have to say or that they ‘already know it’ and then me only repeating that what everybody already know, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that because I do not step forward and voice myself in what I see, I often hear only that what I already know and me not participating or adding anything which then goes into backchat and projected judgements on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak about something that others do not yet know and fearing to be really listened to and then not being able to clearly express myself and from here, my time is over, my chance has passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that an energetic experience of love means there is self-judgement as fear existing within and as me / self and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the need as an energetic dependency to ‘being loved’ means there is self-judgement as fear existing within me / self as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the experience of love or ‘to be loved’ is filling a lack within me, within the relationship with myself, like filling a space that I have created in separation from and as myself, channeling myself, my self-expression in and as my mind and from here, looking for confirmation from another in and as my mind, to love or to be loved, when all the while it is me looking for myself, my own beingness that I have channeled in my mind, as the worst part of me and then reacting to this part of me as myself, so reacting to myself and pushing myself away more and more and projecting a part of myself onto another and then starting to ‘love’ (this part of) another that is actually a projection of (the worst part of) myself and then ‘loosing myself in another’ in and as my own mind, so loosing myself in my own mind-projections, separating ‘me’ more and more from my own beingness here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to ‘love’ – as the opposite projection of fear – the worst part of myself, projected on another through my own mind, missing myself, this ‘worst’ part of me – and within and as this projection, avoiding to really see myself and that what I fear about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the one that I think and believe I love and that I think and believe that ‘loves me’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the worst of me in and as a projection on another, thinking and believing that I then loose the other when all the while, I project that what I have already done into my ‘thinking and believing’ as that I already lost myself in my own projection of the worst part of me onto another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse another in and as my experience of love and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be used and abused by another in and as my dependency on an experience of ‘to be loved’, as a confirmation of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be loved as a confirmation of my existence and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be used and abused by another projecting his or her worst part on me and so I need to ‘stay in place’ so to speak because when I do not stay into this projection, I remove the veil in a way and so another is looking at his or her own worst self and when and as this can not be received within self-honesty, the hell will break loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the hell breaking loose on me and so, I tiptoe around within my own acceptance and allowance of the experience to be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow another to ‘love me’ in an energetic way because I get something out of it that I desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel a natural, physical expression into a desire in and as my mind, thinking and believing that I only can receive this when and as I accept and allow ‘to be loved’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed myself with the experience of love and / or ‘to be loved’ which is actually an energy addiction to fear as love, love as fear, to keep adrenaline going in and as my physical body – which I now write – this last self-forgiveness – from a point of knowledge and information but not yet really seeing, realizing and understanding in and as myself (the interview under ‘energy addiction’ expands on it).

To be continued.


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Dag 798 – Perfectionism #self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all my attention and focus on one area trying to ‘get attention’ to fulfill myself with, to feel better and loved and appreciated, as an endless bucket that is never full(filled) because my starting-point is from outside –> inwards instead of from inwards –> outwards, into and as a self-expression and sharing of myself as an infinite living being and grounding and ‘filling’ myself in and as my physical substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how perfectionism from a starting-point in / as the mind – so channeling myself and my expression in and as an energetic ‘perfect’projection – does never have enough and so I experience myself and what I give as ‘never enough’ and so I experience for example what another is giving, also as ‘never enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an age of sixteen, think and believe that having a perfect body, will give the attention from ‘men’ and ending up in a ‘fulfilling’ partnership that I am looking for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the underlying (lying as self-dishonest) starting-point of perfectionism where my expression and physical energy is channeled into one specific area, is creating an uncomfortable ‘environment‘ as resonance and will attract others with a different form of perfectionism towards themselves and so if and when not recognized, projected towards me as well and so we are together creating an uncomfortable mutual environment with undefined expectations underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how perfectionism – if not redefined in a grounded way – is not realistic and coming from pictures, movies, stories, memories, connected all together and merged into an undefined and underlying expectation of what life / another should give me, instead of bringing everything back to self and then making it about self-perfectionism in a realistic way and starting to ‘give what I would like to receive’ and being clear for myself and another of what I accept and allow and what not and so, starting to live what I am specifying myself into and as in a considering and practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself when the physical is not showing what I am expecting in where I have channeled myself into and as energy / the mind and so only pushing myself and my self-expression back into suppression, instead of using the misalignment between my ‘inner’ reality (mind) and my physical reality as a map to see where my expectations are coming from and via self-forgiveness, bringing the pieces back to myself and redefine it into a substantial, practical, considering and realistic self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I am creating in ‘perfectionism’, I expect an ‘instant picture’ ready and settled, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how within specifying who I am in a considering way, is an infinite creating process going on and it’s not really ‘settled and done’ but more ‘on the move’ and substantiating along the way, as how I am substantiating myself along the way, expanding from inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my joy for living through too much focus on perfectionism and reaching a goal within this, instead of considering as much dimensions as possible within and around myself and bringing this together in a practical goal that I can walk, alter and expand on along the way.

I commit myself to catch myself in the limiting pictures of perfectionism that I have stored within myself and my physical body, to forgive the energetic attachments and to find a seed of my expression deep within and while doing so, specify myself /this expression into a ‘voice of myself’ as my stand, my expression, my words, my actions, my presence in a considering, caring, supportive and realistic / practical way and to find my joy while walking, investigating, forgiving, specifying, redefining, creating and expanding.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Dag 793 – Do you like to be criticized?

 

ways to react to criticism

I was looking into the experience that I ‘did not like’ to receive some criticism but at the same time having the thought/belief that ‘I should be okay with it’. This then leads to having to process the critic in itself – which is mostly something that will only support me to better myself in a constructive way – and at the same time, being busy with processing my own reaction to ‘being criticized’ which gives an extra layer and is not so constructive in the end. So I already can work with (constructive) criticism because I am able to see the common sense in it and self-honest enough to introspect, but I had not yet opened up the level of the experience of ‘being criticized’ in itself and what this does to me.

It took me a while to admit to myself that I simply did not like the experience of being criticized and that this is ‘okay’. I do not need to ‘like’ it or ‘being cool’ with it. This also brings me to much more understanding that ‘constructive criticism’ from my side can cause a reaction in another and so I need to give time to process this as well and also to be careful with what and how I bring in something with regards to the location-point of another (and myself as well). It is not possible to ‘avoid any reaction’, as I have seen that almost nobody likes to find out (in the moment) that one better could have done something different. Yes we can learn to approach criticism in a constructive way, however the moment we find out something that we did not see or admit before as something destructive, this moment in itself is not a nice experience and so we need to process this, especially if we had no clue of for example ‘doing something wrong’ but also simply because of finding out we made a mistake.

I do experience fear to bring in some constructive criticism in certain situations, when and as needed, because of fearing this reaction to criticism in the moment from another. I see now that part of this fear is my own belief of ‘I should be okay with criticism’ and so this functions as a judgement towards any reaction to criticism, from myself and from another, that exist as (part of) a ‘fear’ within me. So this is a layer I now can start standing equal to and one with, within myself and so towards and with another as well; to align to taking time for myself to process constructive criticism towards a needed correction within and as myself and I can use this to better align with what and how I bring in something as a potential correction as what I see that is best for all and to take equal responsibility in this.

Some self-forgiveness and self-corrections on my findings to support myself in this process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not like being criticized’ and because I do not like the experience, to tend to catapult this back to the one who is bringing in the criticism in a form of (hidden) blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should ‘like being criticized’ or at least ‘being cool’ with it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not need to like it or being cool with it to use it in a constructive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait to like it or being cool with it before I really integrate the criticism, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is giving a delay in processing information, forgiveness and correction within and as myself because I then am ‘waiting’ for an experience of ‘like’ or ‘being cool’, when I actually can only integrate the criticism as an experience of satisfaction, once I have already forgiven and corrected myself in and as this physical reality within and as this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘not being liked’ anymore when and as I receive a point of criticism and so I already go into a ‘dislike’ of and as myself as a form of remorse to in this way, try to ‘still be liked’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to show some remorse and because I resist to ‘show remorse’, I actually delay my own correction process; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the self-forgiveness and self-correction in itself is what is needed and of much more consistent and continues value within this physical reality than an experience of remorse, where an excuse can be made when and as needed, but this only does make sense within a starting-point of walking the self-forgiveness and self-correction as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reaction to criticism, within myself and from another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am judging my own reaction to criticism from a point of belief that ‘I should like it’ or ‘be cool with it’ and so I expected this from another as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from another that what I belief I should be able to be myself, without introspection on what I belief and expect from myself in an unrealistic way and from here, build layer after layer of self-judgement in and as my mind and projected on this physical reality as well.

When and as I see myself reacting to a form of criticism, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may not like it or may not being cool with and that is okay and I realize that I can take time to process and investigate the criticism and that I do not need to be clear with it in that one moment and I realize that I do not need to ‘like it or be cool with it’ to effectively investigate and process the criticism.

I realize that I then more am protecting an experience of ‘liking’ or ‘being cool with it’ which is creating conflict within me and distracting me as well from the point of criticism as well and so it is okay to ‘not be cool’ or ‘not like it’ in a moment.

I commit myself to practice to unconditionally embrace my own reaction to criticism, to take time to process this and to bring it into myself for introspection – my possible reaction and the criticism in itself – and to from here, see what I can forgive and correct within myself in relation to my possible reaction and in relation to the point of criticism; to see where and what is ‘on me’ to forgive and correct and to also see where it may not be (totally) aligned and perhaps coming from a projection or (hidden) reaction from another towards me.

When and as I experience a fear to bring in a potential possibility of correction in a situation/towards another that I see as what is best for all/all involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may fear a reaction because I judge how someone respond to criticism as how I judge myself in how I react to criticism or, how I react to a possible reaction to criticism of another towards me, as this can be spiteful as well as a form of identified mind-protection as if ‘this is who I am’ or coming from a self-belief as how I for example believed that ‘I should like – or be cool with criticism’.

I commit myself to take time to be careful with what I bring in and to align with myself in clarity of what I bring in and how, as a clear reference-point for myself if and when another may react but, to prevent myself from ‘walking on egg-shells’, to if and when I am misaligned, use this as an opportunity to forgive and correct myself as preparation for another moment.

I commit myself to give myself space to embrace my dislikes (and likes as well) and to introspect what self-believes there are behind it that makes it more difficult for myself to effectively process ‘criticism’ in the world as a whole.

rain


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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 777 – Future projections and what I find behind it

Here I am sitting behind my computer on writing day 777 and I do not have a subject to write about. I do see how my mind goes into future-projections almost automaticely and me following up on this and only when I bring myself here with clear words of common sense, like ‘hey, this has all nothing to do with what I am doing in this moment and where I am’. So let’s do some self-forgiveness on this fenomene of future-projections, as I see myself often going into this in several ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into future projections as scenario’s that may take place in the future, as well in positive scenario’s as in negative scenario’s, where in I see that I do it as a way to distract myself from where I am at the moment, in time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use future projections as a way to experience something inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself occupied within creating experiences inside myself, connected to future-projections that I make up in my mind, that may be realistic, however,  it doesnot make sense to use it different or more or other than as a practical guideline for myself and my life in what I would like to live and create and what is realistic and practical within this and for the rest, it only functions as a distraction in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use future projections to not admit that I am actually participating in a fear of that what I want or prefer to happen in the future, to not take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feeling better than who I am and what I do in the moment, right now, by going into future projections that I would like to take place or happen in my life, as if where I am, who I am and what I do right now, is ‘not enough’ or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really be with my body and what happens within it because of going and being into all kind of scenario’s in and as my mind, related to the future or past, on long term or on short term, however, never really and fully being here in and as my physical body, as if this is not already enough to be with and as, as if the whole universum is not already taking place within and as all the organic functional processes in and as the universum of my physical body and myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and have separated myself from myself in and as my physical body and actually let my body do the constant working, without really seeing and understanding what and how my body do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel or have felt so much alone because I have separated myself from myself as life in and as my physical body and so, separated from the life in and as my physical body itself, by always wanting more and looking for more and somewhere else outside, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak about projections, without really seeing, realizing and understanding how much I participate in future projections in and as myself.

When and as I see myself going into a future projection, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am going out of the moment and out of my body and shifting in and as the mind into a place where I assume that it may be better, in which I only make it impossible for myself to calm myself down or to be realistic with and as myself, because I do not see what it is that I shift away from and what makes me do so. I commit myself to take an inbreathe and stop, breathe out and bring myself here and look into and define what emotions I try to get away from and what I prefer to shift towards and from here, find a word that I can support myself with to live this ‘what I try to shift towards’ as an expression, right here and now, in and as myself as where I am at the moment in space, time and process.

In this way I will enable myself to make peace with myself in who I am and where I am in every moment of the process I walk and only in this way, enable myself to forgive and change myself into an expression in and as self-support and without the need to think or believe that ‘I miss out‘ on something ‘out there’ as where the mind is trying to distract me towards and away from myself.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 734 – Blame, projection and fear of loss

blame

Following up on the previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what it is that I fear within manipulation tactics as in a situation where thoughts are projected on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very tired now when I start writing this blog and experiencing some kind of blankness where in I do not see any point to write self-forgiveness about, as if I only can close my eyes and want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I can never do this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an unability to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to walk through and keep standing within a situation where thoughts and feelings and emotions are projected on me as a form of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going away out of reaction in/as fear and within this, enlarging or fueling a possible reaction in another who then also goes away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other goes away as a reaction on my reaction of going away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how to stop this cat and mouse game, other than by going away, which is not what I want or see as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally panic when another is going away, however when another is coming within panic to me, I also tend to go away out of fear of the reactions from another when and as I am not doing as how they want or expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I never satisfy enough and that I am not given the time to see within myself what I want and how to do this and so, feeling like I am  always ‘too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to please the other in/as the mind, out of a fear of loss as an experience within myself when another is going away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in pleasing another in/as the mind, I go away from myself and here I am actually pleasing my own mind as pleasing my own fear (of loss) and so, fullfilling my own fear (of loss) in loosing myself in trying to please myself or/as another in/as the mind, as in a closed circle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that only consequenses will be created where in another don’t see the consequences and I am not able to direct myself effectively within in the consequences and so the point of creation gets lost and distracted in consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make another see the point of blame as projection in/as the mind, so that from here, we can be together, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can not ‘make another see’ and that my starting-point here is actually still in/as the mind located as in a fear of loss and so, I will firstly create the loss as how I fear, through the point of blame as projection on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it frightening how far we all go/have gone in/as the mind to abdicate responsibility, within blame as projections of our own thoughts, feelings and emotions on something or someone outside ourselves, instead of bringing the thoughts, feelings and emotions back to self and start understanding/forgiving where they come from and so, start taking responsibility for ourselves in/as our own mind and stop blaming something or someone within/without.

When and as I see blame/projection towards me or another, within the words/behaviour of someone in conversation with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I cannot easily ‘make another see’ how the mind exist as a projection-system and so in/as the manifestation of blame, however I do can decide to not participate and to make this clear, for example by walking away, by saying some words or by simply/literally mentioning that I do not participate in a conversation with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame by accepting and allowing it, coming forward out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do everything good and perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and through this, the other will eventually bring the point of blame back to self, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 1. I will also make mistakes that I then need to correct that can be used against me and 2. another will always be able to find something to start blaming with by projecting one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions on me in some way, when I do not as they are pleased by, and from here, using one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions projected on me, as a reason to blame me and so, abdicate one’s own responsibility.

I commit myself to not participate in a point of blame, not within myself and not within conversation with another and if I see that I do so, to look within myself what makes that I am doing this, what I fear to loose and take responsibility for this within/as myself through understanding/forgiving myself for this point and participation.

To be continued after investigating Desperation and Communication Awareness as a dimension of creating this ‘picture’ that someone else sees of me and that I then fear to be defined as/blamed for.

the-design-of-fear-of-loss


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

 

 

733 – Projection – What if that what I am seeing, through thinking, is not ‘as it is’?

projection1

Projection is one of the most difficult mechanism of the mind to really see within ourselves. Through thoughts, feelings and emotions it seems like that what we see and experience is reality, while it is actually only a personal interpretation that we have build up, through memories, within our life, mostly as a control-mechanism and then continuesly used to protect ourselves for the experience of ‘loosing control’. Within this, we look through our ‘mind-eyes’ and then project this on physical reality.

Projection has also different dimensions. For myself, I have learned that I still do believe in certain moments – and certainly have believed – my own thoughts, feelings and emotions as if it is real, however I have quite early in process learned to open up my own point of view, by asking myself the question: what if that what I am seeing through thinking, is not as it is, what if the other is telling me how it is actually, so, in terms of the mind: what if I am ‘wrong’ and the other is ‘right’; no matter how much I am convinced by my own experience to be real or ‘right’ as how it is?

This question can open up ‘process’, for me it did.

Process meaning, walking from consciousness to awareness in taking responsibility for who we are in our thoughts/feelings/emotions, words and deeds and learn to self-honestly reflect and change.

Within this realization, I could approach another again and bring forward that I opened up for their view and let go of my view as ‘being right’. Where within this, I saw indeed that I really had projected my own view  – as how it is for me – on another, so I placed my own build up mind-situation on another, as if this was ‘about them’. But it was not, it was only about me.

Seeing this, is giving an opening to become self-honest. It is opening up the possibility that what I see, is not how it is. And from here it gives an opening for listening from a different starting-point; from here on I learned to listen from a starting-point of seeing what is real, of a willingness to learn and listen and integrate and expand; not to ‘proove that I am right’ but to see what is real and from here, integrate and learn to apply what is best for all.

It seems such a small insignificent step. However, it is a change in starting-point, from a ‘closed circle’ in/as the mind, where in I have locked in and encrypted myself within my own memories and experiences, to opening up, to really listen and learn.

While doing so – when I am willing to listen and learn and expand –  the personal points of view that I created in ‘default’ so to speak, will one by one come forward, within and as myself. And here I then can take responsibility for my personal interpretations and the effect and consequence of this, by forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself occupied within my own personal and self-created point of view.

From here it is a process for years to walk, as I have layered so many aspects within myself, where I really believe that ‘what I see and how I feel is real’ and so, I keep myself occupied in and with it. However, through time and application, it becomes easier te be self-honest and most important, this willingness to learn, to listen and see what is real, this did not go away anymore. This one moment of realization that I have walked and applied in reality as a change within/as myself, as an opening up, this I has been established as a constant and consistant self-support from where I can continuously expand.

More difficult do I find it now, when another is projecting his/her thoughts on me and through this, really manipulating a whole situation or interaction. Because as long as this circle in/as our own mind is closed without an opening for other views, it is not so easy to reach out to the beingness that is channeled within and as the mind, within and as this closed circle, to bring in some common sense and such conversation easily spirals out of control. Because, at this stage there is no real communication possible, as the mind can/will protect it’s own rightiousness and use all kind of really smart projections to keep oneself locked-in and existing, to ‘proove’ to be right and from here, it will keep every other view locked out, at distance.

This is something that I will open up for myself in next blog, within the application of self-forgiveness where in I will take responsibility for the experiences that are coming up within me, when and as projections are placed on me so to speak and on the experience of not knowing how and where to start about how the mind works, on the experience of not knowing how to make clear that what is being said, is not about me, but about what another is projecting (on me in this case) as a personal mind-interpretation.

“As you’ve already Noticed, if you’ve been with Desteni for several years: Change, in any form whatsoever – is the most difficult thing. That, Simplistically because – the Systems that Control the Human, and I mean the Human – your Thoughts, Everything is Controlled Completely. At some level one do Understand this, although some are so well Controlled that they would for instance Think ‘they are their Thoughts’, which is like fascinating that one can come to such a Conclusion.” (…)

(…) “We knew of the Problem in the Beginning when the Portal Opened – so, to Solve the Problem there was only One Solution: everyone had to be placed in an Equal Position in the Dimensions, that means – in the Afterlife. Unless they are in an Equal Position, we’ll have continuous Deception and Misrepresentation, and Image and Likeness’s that we have to Deal with – and it will take a long time to Break-through this to get to Self-Honesty where one can get to Self-Responsibility. As the Destonians know, how difficult it is to help another being on Earth – it is like, it’s Virtually Impossible. It’s like pulling hens teeth, and hens don’t have teeth – so, that’s how Difficult it is to even get One Person to Realize the Extent of the Problem that they are Existing as in their Fake Illusions, and their Images and Likenesses – through which they are Protecting the Inner Evil that Life has always been, within this World.” 

From: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 728 – 15. The insemination

This blog is related to record 15: The insemination

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start an insemination process from a starting-point of desire to be/become pregnant and from here, being willing to throw myself into the deep, without really considering my hesitations of my willingness to really walk with a child growing up in this world as how it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to look beyond my desire to be/become pregnant and just look so far, trying to fulfill the desire and from here, the desire to ‘throw myself into the deep’ so to speak, meaning to force myself into a situation that I then cannot step back from and so to force myself into facing the difficulties within/as myself that I am seemingly not willing to take on if and when not absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take on the real challenges within and as myself if and when there is no other possibility left, as how the mind functions and as how we have set up this world up to a point of destruction before we – as humanity – are willing to face ourselves and take respnsibility for ourselves and our creation and from here, change the approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more difficult for myself by waiting for this last point to happen, instead of actively investigating that what I sense somewhere within me as a misalignment that I need to open up and take responsibility for by firstly looking at it within self-honesty and from here, using the application of self-forgiveness to face my own darkness and stand up within and stop blaming myself back into a state of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me that I am not aligned with and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me, as fearing to loose the experience that this suppressed belief is giving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fearing the loss of an experience within me to fearing to loose something or someone without me and within this, start and keep on projecting my experiences on this something or someone without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinks and believe that I can really loose something or someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only let go (means forgive) the energetic created experiences within myself that I have connected to something or someone without myself and from here, knowing that I give myself the opportunity to emerge from, within and as myself, standing more in equality and oneness with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my motivation to ‘become alive’ that I somewhere sense deep within me, towards and into a desire to inseminate me with the seed of a male to be able to become pregnant and give birth to the life of a child as another being, to from here force myself to stand within the points that I see that I am not yet standing in and as, in and as the potential that I see/sense within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at ease in this week of insemination because of being able to stand within myself in peace within trying to fulfil that what I would like for myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be at ease and so reactive in other moments/weeks, to my partner as well as to others, when and as I feel like not being busy with trying to fulfill that what I would like for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fulfil myself with experiences of something or someone without myself as to ‘inseminate’ myself and my physical body with something external.

When and as I feel lazy or tired to start writing and opening up some dimensions within me that I do not yet have a sight on, I stop and breathe.

I realize that within the writing, I will get more sight on myself in this dimensions that will support me in moments to come to be/become less tired or lazy, as the mind needs physical energy to suppress or keep generating energy from points/energetic experiences within me.

I realize that I can write in short time-frames, as for example 15 minutes, to release some energy within the writing of self-forgiveness and if I postpone, points will go under again within some kind of suppression and through distraction, within and as myself.

I commit myself to write in a document to open up some dimensions that I sense within me and do not yet have sight on, for 15 minutes three times a week (extra upon the activities that I am taking on already).

When and as I see that I am not satisfied and at ease with myself in the interaction with another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not expressing myself or do not have expressed myself as how I would like to, coming out of a fear of experiencing myself very uncomfortable within a certain moment with all kind of subtile experiences coming up and from here, I start becoming ‘uneasy’ for myself and for another as well, as more reactive to what another is bringing forward.

I realize that this is a build up pattern through the years and so, it will take time to walk through the layers that I have created within me that prevent me from expressing myself and bring myself to a ‘living expression’ so to speak.

I commit myself to become more sensible to and for myself within moments of interaction with another and to see what comes up within me as a reaction that I name and forgive myself for (for example within this 15 minutes writing) and to see (if I am already able to) what I actually would like to express but not doing out of fear of not being understood or not being able to bring forward what I mean and from here, see how to support myself to do express some more of/as myself, rather from a point of self-movement than only as a respond with a (subtile or hidden) dimension of ‘reaction’ to what another is bringing forward.

When and as I notice a fear of loss within me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are many dimensions involved in ‘fear of loss’ projected on something or someone without me, that I need to walk through within writing and the application of self-forgiveness of all kind of experiences coming up to open it up for myself.

I commit myself to within the writing, take on layer by layer and experience by experience that I see coming up within me in certain moments where in I use the moments of reaction as a moment of introspection, meaning that I bring the experience back to myself and name and forgive myself for what I find, as well as forgiving myself for/when/as I go into reaction, to enable myself to eventually prevent this happening and from here, finding my self-direction and self-expression as a more supportive and constructive way to communicate, as well for myself as for another.

insemination

Previous blog: 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

Next blog: 16. Shame and compromising


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive