Dag 806 – The experience of disappointment

One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.

A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:

Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.

I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressed within my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.

With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.

With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.

With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.

I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.

To be continued.


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Uil forgive

Dag 757 – Different aspects of gentleness

     

Continuing on the previous blog about gentleness with the application of self-forgiveness on different aspects that I see within myself in relation to the word ‘gentle’:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it when someone is (in my experience) not gentle towards me and to judge it eather when I am not gentle to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be gentle with me because I will listen anyway and even more when someone is gentle and so I find it ‘not needed’ to not be gentle with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I don’t deserve it to be treated rude instead of gentle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that how another is treating me is defining me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I define myself within my reactions on a ‘not gentle treatment/approach’ and I don’t like the experience of my reaction and so suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘that I cannot accept this’ when someone is (in my experience) not gentle to me because I feel like ‘I cannot express myself’ in this and I don’t want to live in this suppressed state, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I first need to experience and within this, be able to see and define what it is that I suppress so that I can bring this back to myself in and as self-forgiveness as an opening in and as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot express myself when another is ‘not gentle’ towards me, which is true in a way if and when I am in reaction towards this and within this suppress myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my ‘gentle’ is the same as another one’s ‘gentle’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not want to be gentle myself in certain moments but still do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually wish and want me to be more direct, where in I see that I can now redefine the word direct into a directiveness within and as myself and so, it does not need to be ‘too confronting’ but can still be gentle, though directive as clear within my direction, first within myself within the naming and forgiving of myself in the uncomfortable state that I tend to go into in and as fear for how others speak to me and from here I can be directive though gentle within a situation with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I don’t have the right’ to direct a situation and to suppress the possibility of directing myself and so I go into judgement as fear when and as I find that another is not gentle towards me, because I think and believe that I am not able or allowed to do anything about it and from this fear, I become angry myself and so stop being gentle, as well towards myself and my own body as towards another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually react to my own thinking that I ‘cannot or am not allowed to do anything about it’ and so I think I have the option of ‘taking it or leaving’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my gentleness when I loose my direction / self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use gentleness as a protection-mechanism as of I am ‘innocent’ in a way because I am gentle and so within my gentleness, there is a hidden blame towards another who is ‘not gentle’ in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be superior by being gentle and to not show face of what I really experience inside myself, not even to myself actually so that I constantly suppress and miss myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a mask of gentleness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all would be easier if everyone would be more gentle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to seduce the energy of the reactions within me with gentleness.

In general what I see is that we loose our ‘natural gentleness’ when and as we loose the direction within ourselves because we get lost in our emotions/feelings/reactions where even the most gentle character shows a different face. So gentleness would then be the self-expression of who I am in consideration of what is best for others/all involved, as then I am gentle with and as life as substance. So then it is more an application or expression of what is needed in the moment to bring about an outcome in alignment with and as life.

When and as another is, in my eyes and/or experience, not speaking in a gentle way towards/with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I suppress my experiences as reaction in this moment from where I directly go into a defense-mechanism as that I ‘don’t want to be treated this way’.

I commit myself to first practise to stay more quiet and see within myself what comes up.

I commit myself to embrace what comes up in and as a reaction towards a (from my perspective) not gentle approach and to take time for and as myself to forgive myself and becoming stable again and so first learn and practise to be gentle with and as myself.

When and as I notice that I myself am not speaking in a gentle way (without an aware decision of doing so) , I stop myself from speaking for a moment and breathe.

I realize there is a reason within me for doing so as something that I have separated myself from that I need to investigate for myself.

I commit myself to breathe in, to breathe out and continue speaking in a more stable voice if possible and otherwise take a pause and continue later and I commit myself to take responsibility for my approach and way of speaking within self-forgiveness until I find the source of separation within/as myself (source as suppressed state or reaction or idea/belief that I have stored within myself somehow).

(So far for now as the computer keeps hanging all the time which makes it almost inpossible to write and move the mouse).

To be continued.

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Uil forgive

 

Dag 728 – 15. The insemination

This blog is related to record 15: The insemination

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start an insemination process from a starting-point of desire to be/become pregnant and from here, being willing to throw myself into the deep, without really considering my hesitations of my willingness to really walk with a child growing up in this world as how it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to look beyond my desire to be/become pregnant and just look so far, trying to fulfill the desire and from here, the desire to ‘throw myself into the deep’ so to speak, meaning to force myself into a situation that I then cannot step back from and so to force myself into facing the difficulties within/as myself that I am seemingly not willing to take on if and when not absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take on the real challenges within and as myself if and when there is no other possibility left, as how the mind functions and as how we have set up this world up to a point of destruction before we – as humanity – are willing to face ourselves and take respnsibility for ourselves and our creation and from here, change the approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more difficult for myself by waiting for this last point to happen, instead of actively investigating that what I sense somewhere within me as a misalignment that I need to open up and take responsibility for by firstly looking at it within self-honesty and from here, using the application of self-forgiveness to face my own darkness and stand up within and stop blaming myself back into a state of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me that I am not aligned with and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me, as fearing to loose the experience that this suppressed belief is giving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fearing the loss of an experience within me to fearing to loose something or someone without me and within this, start and keep on projecting my experiences on this something or someone without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinks and believe that I can really loose something or someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only let go (means forgive) the energetic created experiences within myself that I have connected to something or someone without myself and from here, knowing that I give myself the opportunity to emerge from, within and as myself, standing more in equality and oneness with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my motivation to ‘become alive’ that I somewhere sense deep within me, towards and into a desire to inseminate me with the seed of a male to be able to become pregnant and give birth to the life of a child as another being, to from here force myself to stand within the points that I see that I am not yet standing in and as, in and as the potential that I see/sense within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at ease in this week of insemination because of being able to stand within myself in peace within trying to fulfil that what I would like for myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be at ease and so reactive in other moments/weeks, to my partner as well as to others, when and as I feel like not being busy with trying to fulfill that what I would like for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fulfil myself with experiences of something or someone without myself as to ‘inseminate’ myself and my physical body with something external.

When and as I feel lazy or tired to start writing and opening up some dimensions within me that I do not yet have a sight on, I stop and breathe.

I realize that within the writing, I will get more sight on myself in this dimensions that will support me in moments to come to be/become less tired or lazy, as the mind needs physical energy to suppress or keep generating energy from points/energetic experiences within me.

I realize that I can write in short time-frames, as for example 15 minutes, to release some energy within the writing of self-forgiveness and if I postpone, points will go under again within some kind of suppression and through distraction, within and as myself.

I commit myself to write in a document to open up some dimensions that I sense within me and do not yet have sight on, for 15 minutes three times a week (extra upon the activities that I am taking on already).

When and as I see that I am not satisfied and at ease with myself in the interaction with another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not expressing myself or do not have expressed myself as how I would like to, coming out of a fear of experiencing myself very uncomfortable within a certain moment with all kind of subtile experiences coming up and from here, I start becoming ‘uneasy’ for myself and for another as well, as more reactive to what another is bringing forward.

I realize that this is a build up pattern through the years and so, it will take time to walk through the layers that I have created within me that prevent me from expressing myself and bring myself to a ‘living expression’ so to speak.

I commit myself to become more sensible to and for myself within moments of interaction with another and to see what comes up within me as a reaction that I name and forgive myself for (for example within this 15 minutes writing) and to see (if I am already able to) what I actually would like to express but not doing out of fear of not being understood or not being able to bring forward what I mean and from here, see how to support myself to do express some more of/as myself, rather from a point of self-movement than only as a respond with a (subtile or hidden) dimension of ‘reaction’ to what another is bringing forward.

When and as I notice a fear of loss within me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are many dimensions involved in ‘fear of loss’ projected on something or someone without me, that I need to walk through within writing and the application of self-forgiveness of all kind of experiences coming up to open it up for myself.

I commit myself to within the writing, take on layer by layer and experience by experience that I see coming up within me in certain moments where in I use the moments of reaction as a moment of introspection, meaning that I bring the experience back to myself and name and forgive myself for what I find, as well as forgiving myself for/when/as I go into reaction, to enable myself to eventually prevent this happening and from here, finding my self-direction and self-expression as a more supportive and constructive way to communicate, as well for myself as for another.

insemination

Previous blog: 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

Next blog: 16. Shame and compromising


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Uil forgive

Dag 695 – The body-being-mind relationship – The influence of memories

memories

I was having a Kinesiology chat/session with Kim where I was asking for more context about an experience of ‘being ignored’ and in relation to the influence of my reactions (spiraling out) on my physical body. Here I will describe a small part of the chat that I would like to point out.

What came forward is a primary pattern where I react with confusion, anxiety, insecurity, submission and terrified in relation to people’s emotional patterns in general (so not just to specific emotional patterns).

What here came forward for the second time as being related, is a memory; though it is a memory that I do not recognize, but where I saw myself only keeping on looking into the relation to my parents. Then what came forward is that it would be related to a memory that I downloaded from one of my parents, meaning that it is not a memory of something that I have been part of in my life, but a memory from my parents that they did not have been (able to) work on to stabilize themselves within and so the memory kept playing a part of them and had been transfered to me (I can not yet describe here how this happens specificely – it has to do with the integration of the mind-systems within our physical bodies and how things are being transfered from parents to their children).

From what I understand now, is that with this downloaded memory underneath – where probably these emotions were experienced – I developped going into these emotions (confusion, anxiety, insecurity, submission and terrified) in relation to people’s emotional patterns in general. This is as far as how I see it and this is actually the primary point for me to work with.

This ‘download’ happened on the more deeper levels of my mind-body integration (on an unconscious, quantum mind, quantum physical level) and so it influences how I experience myself and how I behave/act.

This is what I could very much relate to as how I describe here in our chat:

Ingrid  Schaefer: aha
Ingrid  Schaefer: that makes sense, also why I Always feel so ‘stuck’ without being able to see something related
Ingrid  Schaefer: my father is emotional a very closed person and it feels like I have more downloaded from him and my brother from my mother, if this is possible.
Ingrid  Schaefer: my chest is releasing now, this left side point
kim amourette: “my father is emotional a very closed person and it feels like I have more downloaded from him and my brother from my mother, if this is possible” – yes
 kim amourette: “that makes sense, also why I Always feel so ‘stuck’ without being able to see something related” – yes as well
Ingrid  Schaefer: cool

And this pattern influences why I react to what I describe as ‘being ignored’ by some male I have been close with and these reactions come actually on top of this initial reaction pattern where in I have not yet directed myself effectively, as this is just opening op and it is making the reaction pattern on this male’s behaviour worse.  The reaction pattern on this male’s behaviour, is actually a distraction of the primary pattern that I need to work with. What I do see in relation to the male’s behaviour is the following:

Ingrid  Schaefer: I can see it related to others emotional patterns in general. In relation to this memory, I need some more time, I will have to see some more in emotions within me related to my father, that I may have created as reaction to downloaded memories, a bit as ‘carrying the load’ for him – this is what I see myself as well doing in relation to this male
Ingrid  Schaefer: so I start doing the work when he is walking out, and also to try to ‘prevent him’ from emotional reacting and then walking out
kim amourette: cool yeah looks like you got the point

Then what came forward is that the primary pattern is effecting my sleep, where in I do not so much see this in ‘not well sleeping’ but more in ‘waking up tired’ and general fatique. (And for myself, I experinece this ‘being stuck’ within my chest/lung-heart area and large intestine).

These inner experiences and how I behave and act, as patterns that I have created over time, are for myself to walk through, to understand, forgive and change myself within, step by step and very specific. Because this is my responsibility, I created this, although the memory was not ‘from me’. In the rest of the chat we walked through more specific dimensions to start opening up this primary point.

What I want to bring forward here, is that this small example underlines for me how important it is to become aware of how my own mind functions and how the mind in general in functioning, how many dimensions are involved here and how this has an effect on my experiences, behaviour and physical body. And, if I do not have access to this information, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to really come to clarity and forgiveness within myself. Because I will keep looking in the ‘wrong’ direction and let myself distract with this.

I also will not be able to really forgive myself, because I do not really understand what I need to forgive and what makes me feeling ‘stuck’ for example and here I will keep on searching and searching for context and even creating new reactions and relationships in this, within my own mind and I will – on a certain level within me – keep on blaming other’s behaviour for how I experience myself and “so then in that point of blame also not considering that my reactions don’t necessarily have anything to do with his behaviour per se (in this specific situation with this male’s behaviour), as my reactions come from deeper levels”.

This is a small example of how I see how our Healthcare in general, needs to be expanded in so many levels. So that we all can receive the best possible support to learn to support ourselves. This is a vision for the future, where many things needs to be changed in the world to make this possible. However on a very small scale, within some individual processes, it is already happening and this is part of how it shall be walked, from the very small within and from here, influencing our relationships and slowly expanding towards the world around us. And this will take time and there is much to investigate.

To be continued.

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

For related interviews to memories click here.

head-brain righthead brain grey

 

 


 

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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Uil forgive

 

 

 

 

 

Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

its_a_process

Continuing on: Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid an experience of loosing in small events and conversations and here suppress myself in this experience and at the same time, because of avoiding to experience ‘to loose’, automatically try to win and ‘feel better’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to irritate myself when and as I notice another in conversation with me ‘trying to win’ without looking in my own experiences and what I am actually doing here myself which colours my observation around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot reach a dimension of this winning and loosing and the pain that I caused myself within participation in this polarity within myself and here more being on the surface of it within an uncomfortable experience of seduced emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to not experience the pain that I cause to myself from participating in the polarity of winning and loosing.

Can I name the experience here?

Being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my being by suppressing how I really experinec myself and instead of supporting myself and name the experience, forgive myself for the participation and believe in it and see what makes me feel like this, suppressing this within myself and my physical body and so, creating physical consequenses for myself from where I recreate the experiences and so the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when I notice another in conversation with me is not really listening but in my eyes trying to ‘win’ my attention for their own words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a battle for attention for words that are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of ‘always listening’ to the words of another who from my perspective, do not give any attention to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another does intentional not listen to my words, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that another might not even be aware of the inequality within the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because my experiences of not being listened to and not being noticed are so obvious for myself, that another is also noticing this but delibrately ignoring it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the other does not see what is going on inside myself and because I am suppressing it, it is not visible eather for the physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should get space from another to express myself as how I give another space to express themselves by listening and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to receive what I give, which is not unconditionally giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like with this giving, ‘emptying’ myself and labeling this as a ‘bad’ thing from where I now realize that what I experience as emptying myself, might not be ‘bad’ in itself but my interpretation of it might be misformed and so I misinforme myself with information from what I experience, so from my emotions that I believe and take for real as ‘this is who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinform myself by believing my own experiences/emotions as this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this ‘emptying myself’ is also an experience and so contained of negative emotional energie, based on misinformation as thoughts and believes as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own being while at the same time I am aware of myself.

I see now in the word ‘being’ that this is who I am, ‘be’ and as I define myself as ‘being something’ this is how I label my own ‘being’ as who I am and funny enough even the beginning of my own name is in it as ‘be ing(rid) which in itself also includes ‘be in grid’ as in the grid-lines and so within this letters I see a movement from ‘being in the gridlines’ to my ‘being’ does not mean to ‘delete completely who I am’ but more embracing and changing who I am’ by moving myself to and as my being.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘being ignored’ and from here, of loosing while i am in a conversation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in my mind in polarity, trying to make myself more (important) than the other to ‘become equal’ to each other, instead coming to a point of equality first within and as myself by stopping the participation within the experiences of winning and loosing as a way of control.

I realize that I try to control by trying to win (attention) and I realize that I feel like loosing (control) if I am not ‘being attended’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within conversation, expect to be first be attended by another to be heared, instead of attend myself and from here, express myself.

I realize that this is used as some kind of suppression to children that they are not allowed to speak when the adults does not give the persmission to do so, which I may even have copied as a pattern from a parent to whom this is used and which is in a form of suppression moved into the children as I did not see this pattern consciously affirmed and lived by my parents but sub- and maybe unconsiously, it was playing a role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy, believe and follow suppressed/hidden patterns without investigating for and within myself what the consequenses are of doing so.

I commit myself to allow myself to loose (control) within a conversation and to breathe and listen and also listening to myself within the reactions/experiences that are coming up.

I realize that because I am participating in experiences, I am waiting for myself to express myself as while I am in experiences, I am not able to express myself effectively and so, I commit myself to express myself to myself within and as the application of some self-forgiveness for the experiences that I separate myself within from where I create distance within and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for constant attention myself to create a better feeling about myself which I do not show but hide within myself, as a way of controling the situation and being able to ‘play it out’ in a form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within conversation where I experience an unability to express myself and project this towards the conversationpartner within hidden blame, which in itself makes it more difficult to express myself and where I even do not want to express myself anymore out of blame which is actually a form of revenche, where in I am actually secretely creating an experience of ‘winning’ within myself that I do not openly show and here, I keep control within and as my mind as being ‘the best’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be the best, instead of being and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be the best to make sense and that it doesn’t matter if I am not here as the best, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it is about being/becoming the best version of myself and not so much in comparisson to others as it is not possible to be better or less than others because I am not them and they are not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with myself and blame myself when and as I am not living the best version of and as myself, instead of seeing where I can support myself and move and guide myself within the best I can in any given situation/moment that I am capable of at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be better than I am/am capable of from expectations in my own mind to get attention from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get more attention if I do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all kind of expectations towards myself and from here, towards another and judge/blame myself (and/or another) if I and/or another do not live up to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear for my own projected reactions within myself from creating judgements as thoughts as expectations to live up to and from here, creating unnecessary conflict, within and without and then also, when there is a ‘conflict’ necessary to bring change, experience fear as judgement of conflict in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself created from my own fear (as thoughts as judgements).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up disappointment within myself that I experience as a ‘hate’ towards myself as accumulated points that I did not take responsibility for which I experience as a sickness in the midst of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself, to not stand within an appointment of equality and oneness within and as myself but allowed myself to go into a battle that I do not even like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like battles and games but do participate in it every day despite myself and/as my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my integrity in/as myself by participating in battles and competition in/as the mind, looking for attention as energy.

I realize that I am not able to express myself in certain situations because I participate in judgements as thoughts (=fear) and so in conflict as separation within myself.

I commit myself to be and become aware of the conflict that I participate in within myself within the small conversations with people that I do not generally feel comfortable with to express myself and here give the attention to myself that I need as support and guidance to eventually come to self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my own attention is not enough and that need attention from others outside myself.

When and as I see myself looking for attention to fill myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in my mind, looking for something (or someone) to complete me with thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of that I bring myself to a point of nothingness and forgive myself specificely for participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I realize that I have learned to constantly generate energy to ‘fill’ myself with from the participation in thoughts and from here, in feelings and emotions to keep myself alive in/as the mind as how I know myself.

I commit myself to breathe in the experience of loosing (a part of) myself that comes up when I stop myself participating in this ‘looking for attention’ to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and here, to let go.

To be continued.

I realize that it may look like random self-forgiveness on points that come up that I have manifested as a structure within and as myself and/as my physical body. Here I walk around a point, looking for a ‘way in’ and taking bits and bites from the surface layers here and there to in this way slowly break down the patterns and step by step coming more to the core of it.

Here I do not ‘wait’ until I see ‘the whole thing’ but start with what is coming up and from here, walk with it. This  is what may make the self-forgiveness seem a bit (or a lot) incoherent. What I also notice is that during and after the writing, the patterns open up more while doing the daily activities where I apply self-forgiveness in speaking.

I often come during the writing and speaking (and doing the daily activities here and there in the house in between), to a moment where I ‘suddenly hit’ the point that was bothering me the most at that time, where it releases physically in letting out the emotion via some tears which results at the same time in a diminishment of the physical strain that is prominent in that moment/during that day. Which is a (physical) proof for myself that I brought myself to the release of a small peace of the structure and so, applied myself in self-honesty in relation to (a piece of) this point and structure.

wheredoyoustart

Video 2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness?

WAAR BEGIN IK met Zelfvergeving? (vertaling)

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Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
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Uil forgive

Dag 412 – Reacting to reactions

The shoulder muscles starting the headaches coming up from the intenstines – indicating a lot of emotional reactions that you’re reacting to, so there’s things in your mind that come up that you still react to, “reacting to reactions” if you will. Thus, have a look at what things come up in your mind that you fear / resist / become angry about – forgive those reactions that come up towards the mind first and then take on the points in writing (Sunette)

Some writing out of self-forgiveness related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when and as I react inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when and as I am in reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how to stop reacting to my reactions, as it seems that it goes on and on, unstoppable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatience with myself within and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do as if my reactions are not about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically feel like walking a marathon inside myself in and as reacting to my reactions which gives a brewsed kind of feeling inside my intestines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be careful with and as myself in and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions inside myself when somebody is around, where in I have become ‘over sensitive’  as easily triggered because of accumulated reactions inside myself which I judge so suppress inside myself, where this judging of reacting gives tenstion within my body/my large intestine, judging the thoughts as judgements which give reactions so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anybody seeing me reacting and so, I suppress my expression in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have followed the example that I have had when growing up, of not showing my reactions, because I wanted to be just like him and not like her, and he did not showed reactions and she did more openly, and I choose ‘to be like him’, and so, I do not show my reactions, which gives inside myself a reaction/judgement towards my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not show my reactions as this would mean that I am weak’ and give in and show my face, which would mean that I am just like her, and I don’t want to, because I already have made the decision to ‘blame her’ (see previous blog).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thing, believe and perceive, that not showing my reactions meand having control of and within the situation, where in I feel safe in and as control in and as the mind, within a situation that I experience as ‘emotional unsafe’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can be hurt emotionally, and so I suppress my emotions as reactions inside myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that in this way, I hide myself within and as emotions in and as the mind, keeping myself locked in, generating energy in and as a perceived control in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to have my reactions, and so reject my reactions/myself in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions because I have only learned and seen from the example that I choose to follow, to not show reactions and/or having difficulties inside self with reactions, from which I made up that reactions are ‘something bad’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to become angry at myself when I did something wrong, and within this, show an angry reaction about/toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself in and as reaction when I do something ‘wrong’ like by accident putting a hammer on my finger for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself when I do something that I perceive as ‘wrong’, wherein I react inside myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself and so my reactions when I react, because I perceive reactions as ‘doing something wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘this is who I am’ and always will be instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I copied a pattern of an elder who I choose to follow and learn from and from an elder who I choose to reject to follow and learn from, which gave friction and conflict inside myself upon this patterns in and as this rejection of an elder and so, of the pattern that I copied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself in and as reaction and so create a layer of rejection upon reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create another layer of friction and conflict by ‘choosing’ between two elders and stepping into polarity within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘I don’t want to’ and ‘I want to’ inside myself by choosing in and as polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a layer of rejection of myself in and as the pattern of reaction, existing as a thought ‘I don’t want to be like her’ and so automatically choose to ‘want to be like him’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘be like him’, the one who is not reacting, while within myself, I suppress myself in and as ‘being like her’, the one who is reacting inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions from myself and others in and as a state of separation in and as polarity, in and as the mind, as this reactions, trigger the conflict as polarity inside myself, and so, gives an experience of separation, which is existing in a layer of dissatisfaction with and as myself existing in and as reaction underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my dissatisfaction with and as myself, existing in and as reaction underneath, by a layer of conflict in and as polarity, in and as the illusion of ‘having a choice’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an illusion of choice to hide the experience of desperation and dissatisfaction that I exist in and as in relation to my own reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself in and as reacting to my own reactions and within this, lock myself in, into the mind consiousness system.

When and as I see myself participating in and as a reaction towards a reaction, from myself and/or another, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself the experience as reaction that is coming up, as I realise that within this, I am creating a conflict as polarity to hide what is laying/lying underneath and I do this every time again to become more stable within myself in and as breath and when I am still reacting towards reactions, I forgive msyelf, I investigate specific what is going on, I write it out when needed and move on, as I realize it takes time to see, investigate, self-forgive and correct this point in all the layers and dimensions coming up.

I commit myself to investigate the reactions and experiences underneath, of dissatisfaction and desperation within myself, to forgive myself what I see, realise and understand, in writing out the points one by one as how they are coming up in daily life.

I commit myself to be and become gentle with and as myself and my physical body with regards to reactions from myself and others , in, as and bringing myself towards real (self)-forgiveness, in and as breath, before, during and/or afterwards every event that is coming up in relation to this point.

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
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Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.net
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Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

PENTAX Image

Day 374 – How Every Breathe Counts

In the beginning when Roos came to me with her mother (some one brought them to me), she was not my ‘favorite’. She reminded me of patterns that I react on in myself, Of course I took care of all the physical needs from the beginning and ‘liked’ her as an animal, but there was something that I kept distance in, I ‘let’ her in a way. Her mother was ‘my favorite’ and it always seemed that Roos took care of herself, that she did exactly what she wanted without ‘paying attention’ on her surroundings and that she didnot need so much attention, although she was very present herself. In the last year of her life, it came to my awareness that she also wanted to have some ‘extra attention’ as some support in her expression. So we started this, I made a flower remedy for her, as I do sometimes when an animal needs some assistance. And from that moment we walked together and it was really fun. She became old, and lost her hair, so I had walking a very little, half bald quinea pig in the house. She lost her ‘beauty’ as her pelt. I took her with me more often and after eating and treatment for her hair, she was sitting against me, and she liked it to sit like that, I think also because she had less hair, so some hands around her gave some warmth and protection. Within this, I started seeing her, and seeing her means really liking her expression. Sometimes I had reactions on her bald appearance, and sometimes I had reactions on her poo all through the house.

This point of preference is related to the evening before she died. Because I was looking into myself, would I have ignored Roy (the male quinea pig) the same for one moment if he would ask for my attention so prominent? Would I not check on him one more time before going to bed? As I see it, the answer is no. So, to my shame, I notice that preference has played a role in my behaviour of self-interest as ignorance the evening before Roos died.

Which leads to my behaviour of preference towards human beings, especially related to my mother, and my ignorance in this towards her callings for attention. My behaviour in preference towards ‘males’ which I see as more ‘relaxed’, and from which I want attention, and in this ignoring the attention from the female who was prominent around me (my mother) and or males who are showing this behaviour. Placing my trust in males who are not asking for attention, where I see this more ‘relaxed’ as more responsible, from which I see now, this is all just an appearance and interpretation, they have not yet taken responsibility, and putting my trust in them, has always lead to compromising myself as a betrayal of myself, ignoring myself in and as self-honesty. All because of getting away from ‘too much attention on me’ from the female in my life as my mother, to which I reacted so much that I did not see another option than ignoring and walking away, and within this, of course, wanting attention form another being.

And so, I reacted in and as these points towards Roos, the evening before she died:

Preference, which I was busy correcting with Roos, but did not yet stop completely.

Getting away and ignoring too much asking for attention from a female (or male with the same behaviour)

Reactions on her poo in the house that was thinner and more that evening

*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let play preference a role in my behaviour as care-taker for Roos the quinea pig, the night before she died, and within this, made a decision in self-dishonesty to not look at her for one time before going to bed when she was lying quiet under the hay and to not listen to her persistant call for attention before she jumped into the hay and became quiet, and so ignoring life as myself as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop, ignore and walk away form persistant asking for attention, out of a pattern of ‘closing myself of’ when a female (or male) is asking too much attention in which I do not know what she (he)  wants from me, and instead of breathing, staying here, and really listening and seeing and within this finding out what is going on, I automatically walk out and close the doors, locking myself in, into my own space, and locking everyone else out, to not face this uncomfortable insecurity of not knowing what the other living being wants from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really listen to Roos right before she died, and within this, missing her gift of life towards me of giving me the opportunity to stop my patternal mind-behaviour and being here with her, receiving what she wants to express unconditionally in and as life, although I maybe do not understand her completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of not accepting this gift of life and failing in taking care of her in the last moments of Roos the quinea pig, to not feel worthy to accept the gift of life anyway, which must be build up in this way, in and as an experience of so much ignorance and fear of failure within this, that I feel like unworthy to accept the gift of life towards and as myself and within this, prefer to fail on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to fail on forehand out of fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to accept the gift of life by stopping the automatic energetic reactions in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to hear and understand what Roos wants in that moment of persistant asking for attention, and so rather lock off than opening up, not seeing, realising and understanding that just because of locking off, I will be unable to see what is here, and just because of reacting in and as this locking off, I keep myself locked in as encrypted in and as my own mindconstruct, just as it is constructed and set up as a system to keep me as a human being prison and in control, in and as the mind, to keep me away of standing up in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the signs as encryprions of the mindsystem in what could have been a moment of awareness, sharing and real care-taking in and as life, and within this, looking away from my own potential in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself afterwards for looking away from my own potential in and as life, and in this again, looking away from the gift of life that is still here, given by Roos with her life, as something that I can decide to accept in every moment of breath and so change myself within this breath by breath in and as self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is ‘too bad’ what I have done, and so feeling unworthy to decide to change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of ‘too bad’ – in Dutch ‘te erg’, is an experience in and as enERGy which makes me feel like ‘te erg’ as ‘too bad’, and so keeping myself enslaved again in and as these enERGetic reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see males who are not asking for attention, as more relaxed as not asking for attention and translate this as more responsible, and so seeing ‘relaxed’ and ‘not asking for attention’ as responsible, in which I start wanting the attention of these appaerently relaxed beings, and within this walking out of my own self-responibility as a female in and as compromising myself to get from and give attantion towards males who are relaxed as not asking for attention, where in this case, I compromised the life of Roos as a female quinea pig who was asking very persistant and prominent for my attention by going into reaction in and as the mind and within this, missing out on the request of life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the attention I get from females and/or males who are asking for and also within this, giving me a lot of attention, but instead of this, out of a feeling of being uncomfortable and ‘not knowing what to do with it’, turning myself towards males who are not giving attention at all but walk out in and as self-interest, although their intention is ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust on intention – which is in and as the mind – instead of on practical daily interaction and physical proof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like all the poo on the floor, the night before she died, which I used as a reason for putting her in her own space with some wood before it for that evening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get distracted by the poo on the floor that became more that evening and thinner, and reactions in myself on this as being dirty and not hygienic, and within this going into control in and as the mind and within this, not listening to Roos, asking for my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like getting overwhelmed when the house gets too dirty, and at the same time having difficulties with pushing myself to clean it all up, and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting overwhelmed by myself in and as the mind with no physical moove anymore as cleaning up the house, within and as an experience of it as ‘being too much’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the thoughts and reactions in and as the mind, is what is getting me really dirty and not some poo on the floor in the house which I can clean up afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable as it ‘being too much’ to clean up all the dirt in and as the mind, and so fear getting overwhelmed by it, and from that being unble to physically move, and so instead of stopping the dirt in and as the mind, in and as reactions, I suddenly start controling the dirt on the ground in the house, existing in and as fear that otherwise it will never stop and so become too much for me, which is a projection of experiences of myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experiences in and as the mind, on the physical existance, and within this, controling life in and as self-expression in and as the physical.

*

So far for today.

I will walk the point of lonelyness / fulfillment and specialness / making relationships personal in blogs to come, as well as self-commitment statements.

PENTAX Image

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/