Dag 756 – Gentle – being it or living it?

In the morning I usually look into myself how I wake up that day, I describe it for myself and then I see with what word I can support myself in that day. I have noticed that I am able to keep myself more stable throughout the day if I do start with a word in the morning to live. I tend to forget the word during the day, but even then – I then in moments look it up where I have written it down – I am still more stable within this day. So I keep doing this, as a start to learn to direct myself with the support of living words.

Last week in the end of the day, I was in a conversation that did not go so smooth. I was trying to bring forward some points of responsibility and another was sort of resisting this and bringing up distractions, what I then started to react to. This went on for a while and in a certain moment I remembered myself, ‘okay, what is the word that I picked this morning?’ I luckily! did remember the word: gentle.

So in that situation, I realized that gentle is what I need to bring forward and be here and integrate and I immediately could embody this in this interaction. This gave an immediate release for myself, as I here remembered also that I did not need to be so ‘strict’ and that I better be gentle and see where we are each standing in our ‘life-process’ in general. So this word did support me to slow down and be more gentle. I picked it up as being more gentle towards another where it then had/has the result that I am also more gentle within myself, because within doing so, my own reactions will stop and so, I am much more gentle towards myself as well. So in this context it works two ways, what I bring forward towards another, has an effect on myself as well and what I bring forward within/as myself, has an effect on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle from the start within a conversation and within this, bringing up reactions within myself and/as another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a living word as ‘gentle’ in the morning to infact be gentle and not being gentle in and as myself as a starting-point in the conversation that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to push a point through within another, instead of pushing myself through my own reactions and to be gentle in and as doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider to be gentle at first and actually want a point of responsibility to immediately be clear without having any strubbeling or resonances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle to in a way ‘protect’ myself against the effect that the strubbeling/struggle and resonances have on me and against the reactions coming up from here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am gentle, things will never be understood or clear and also that when and asI am gentle, people will walk over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be gentle because ‘people are also not gentle with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought stored within and as me that ‘people are not gentle with me’ without conscious having any relevant memory linked to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘people to be gentle with me’ but not doing this myself, as well inside as outside or, I do as if I am gentle but at the same time, experiencing reactions within me and so not being gentle with/as myself towards myself and feeling like I am ‘lying’ as well towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really and always want to be gentle and to not like to be tough or hard or rude, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am or can be hard, rude and tough and forget about being gentle in moments that it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that gentleness does not have any ‘borders’ and so, nothing will be a accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I/we need ‘borders’ and if we do not have them, the borders will be crossed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘having borders’ menas automatically that they can be ‘crossed’ and so, more practical is to investigate what borders I have created in/as my mind that I feel ‘walked over’ within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘be’ gentle instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can ‘live’ gentle in and as myself, without neceserrally being it as if I have no choice in this.

I realize that I can in this way, move or direct myself into a word and live this as a decision in that moment that I see is best as direction for all in this moment/situation which includes myself or best as direction for myself, which then incudes all selves.

I realize now that by ‘always wanting to be gentle’, I take away my directive power in and as myself, meaning, I take away the decision to live a certain word/quality and so, I disempower myself in this because I then would not be able to live a different word that may be needed in a certain moment or situation and so I am actually ‘being stuck in gentleness’ when this may not be the best way to create a certain outcome, where my starting-point is then already one of disempowerment and so the outcome will disempower me as my directive decision and if I disempower me in this directiveness in and as myself, I disempower another in his/her directiveness as well and so, I enlarge the resistance because, who wants to feel disempowered?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by ‘wanting to be always gentle’, actually create the polarity within me as well as ‘not being gentle’ as protection-mechanism, to protect in fact my own illusion of gentleness.

To be continued.

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Dag 412 – Reacting to reactions

The shoulder muscles starting the headaches coming up from the intenstines – indicating a lot of emotional reactions that you’re reacting to, so there’s things in your mind that come up that you still react to, “reacting to reactions” if you will. Thus, have a look at what things come up in your mind that you fear / resist / become angry about – forgive those reactions that come up towards the mind first and then take on the points in writing (Sunette)

Some writing out of self-forgiveness related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when and as I react inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when and as I am in reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how to stop reacting to my reactions, as it seems that it goes on and on, unstoppable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatience with myself within and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do as if my reactions are not about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically feel like walking a marathon inside myself in and as reacting to my reactions which gives a brewsed kind of feeling inside my intestines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be careful with and as myself in and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions inside myself when somebody is around, where in I have become ‘over sensitive’  as easily triggered because of accumulated reactions inside myself which I judge so suppress inside myself, where this judging of reacting gives tenstion within my body/my large intestine, judging the thoughts as judgements which give reactions so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anybody seeing me reacting and so, I suppress my expression in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have followed the example that I have had when growing up, of not showing my reactions, because I wanted to be just like him and not like her, and he did not showed reactions and she did more openly, and I choose ‘to be like him’, and so, I do not show my reactions, which gives inside myself a reaction/judgement towards my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not show my reactions as this would mean that I am weak’ and give in and show my face, which would mean that I am just like her, and I don’t want to, because I already have made the decision to ‘blame her’ (see previous blog).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thing, believe and perceive, that not showing my reactions meand having control of and within the situation, where in I feel safe in and as control in and as the mind, within a situation that I experience as ‘emotional unsafe’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can be hurt emotionally, and so I suppress my emotions as reactions inside myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that in this way, I hide myself within and as emotions in and as the mind, keeping myself locked in, generating energy in and as a perceived control in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to have my reactions, and so reject my reactions/myself in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions because I have only learned and seen from the example that I choose to follow, to not show reactions and/or having difficulties inside self with reactions, from which I made up that reactions are ‘something bad’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to become angry at myself when I did something wrong, and within this, show an angry reaction about/toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself in and as reaction when I do something ‘wrong’ like by accident putting a hammer on my finger for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself when I do something that I perceive as ‘wrong’, wherein I react inside myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself and so my reactions when I react, because I perceive reactions as ‘doing something wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘this is who I am’ and always will be instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I copied a pattern of an elder who I choose to follow and learn from and from an elder who I choose to reject to follow and learn from, which gave friction and conflict inside myself upon this patterns in and as this rejection of an elder and so, of the pattern that I copied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself in and as reaction and so create a layer of rejection upon reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create another layer of friction and conflict by ‘choosing’ between two elders and stepping into polarity within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘I don’t want to’ and ‘I want to’ inside myself by choosing in and as polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a layer of rejection of myself in and as the pattern of reaction, existing as a thought ‘I don’t want to be like her’ and so automatically choose to ‘want to be like him’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘be like him’, the one who is not reacting, while within myself, I suppress myself in and as ‘being like her’, the one who is reacting inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions from myself and others in and as a state of separation in and as polarity, in and as the mind, as this reactions, trigger the conflict as polarity inside myself, and so, gives an experience of separation, which is existing in a layer of dissatisfaction with and as myself existing in and as reaction underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my dissatisfaction with and as myself, existing in and as reaction underneath, by a layer of conflict in and as polarity, in and as the illusion of ‘having a choice’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an illusion of choice to hide the experience of desperation and dissatisfaction that I exist in and as in relation to my own reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself in and as reacting to my own reactions and within this, lock myself in, into the mind consiousness system.

When and as I see myself participating in and as a reaction towards a reaction, from myself and/or another, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself the experience as reaction that is coming up, as I realise that within this, I am creating a conflict as polarity to hide what is laying/lying underneath and I do this every time again to become more stable within myself in and as breath and when I am still reacting towards reactions, I forgive msyelf, I investigate specific what is going on, I write it out when needed and move on, as I realize it takes time to see, investigate, self-forgive and correct this point in all the layers and dimensions coming up.

I commit myself to investigate the reactions and experiences underneath, of dissatisfaction and desperation within myself, to forgive myself what I see, realise and understand, in writing out the points one by one as how they are coming up in daily life.

I commit myself to be and become gentle with and as myself and my physical body with regards to reactions from myself and others , in, as and bringing myself towards real (self)-forgiveness, in and as breath, before, during and/or afterwards every event that is coming up in relation to this point.

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