Dag 729 – Opening up the inner conflict

inner-conflict

I am looking at the influence of a spastic colon, on…myself, my life. The question that then comes up within me here is, should it influence who I am? And what do I mean with ‘who I am’?

It does have an influence on how I plan things, on what I eat or not, on when I wake up, on when I leave the house, on how much time I take in the morning to prepare, on what time I go to sleep at night. If I look at this, it is actually determining how I have come to my daily scedule, which is not a ‘bad’ thing, as it is practical and supporting my body in this way, to have a rythm that I have find supportive.

I am still ‘wondering’ how I would live and what I would do and take on for myself if I would not have had this need from my physical body to keep a certain daily rythm and take care for myself in this. Would I then just ask more from my body that is perhaps not best for my body and so myself within? Or would I naturally do this because I feel better with this, because it supports my body better if I keep a certain lifestyle? Or would I just be doing fine with less ‘bounderies’ for myself in this daily scedule? And are it bounderies or are it guidelines?

This is something that I actually have as a question within me, day in and day out, somewhere on the background. So then within this – when I mentioned here that this daily ‘rythm’ is actually quite supportive for my physical body and so for myself within – the thing that is more of an influence on myself and who I am within, within every moment walking with/as myself in this one physical body, in a situation of the existence of a spastic colon – the thing that is more of an influence on me, is this question that is existing within me and that is giving me an experience of ‘not being satisfied’ or a subtile form of conflict within myself, day in and day out.

So writing this out, this is something that I can change within myself, as this inner conflict is not supporting me but more creating a ‘split’ within myself and so I am existing within and as this split deep within me, day in and day out.

It is something that I only by now start writing out, as somewhere I did not want to admit this to myself and even more, I did not want to show this to others as well. But the thing is that if I do not admit it for myself, I still place myself in a position of disempowerment, because that what I do not admit for/to myself and keep silent or suppressed within me, I will not be able to understand for and as myself, I will not ‘forgive’ myself for this as long as I do not understand it and as long as I do not start forgiving it and opening it up, I will not be able to fully understand this part of/as myself. And from not understanding/forgiving myself in this, I will not be able to change anything about it.

It surprises me that I find this so hard to open up, merely because I have seemingly so much investigated this spastic colon in a way and finding ways to physically support myself in it as well as emotionally. So now, it is time to start looking in the deeper dimensions within me and how the mind is interconnected within and as myself in this physical situation of a spastic colon. Which is obviously not the best part of me and as I know by theory and somewhere sensing within me and seeing reflected without me, it is functioning as a ‘hidden nature’ that I have accepted and allowed to channel within and as my mind and then integrated within and as my physical body.

To be continued


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Advertenties

Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

I have made a serie om soundcloud where in I describe what I have walked with regards to the period of my (physical/biological) fertility. It did become 29 tracks, all with a length around five minutes. It is really a serie as they go from one to another and sometimes referring to each other. I have created a playlist where the records are placed in a row and following up on each other. The tracks are numbered and easy to listen one by one but to place it in context, one need to listen to the whole serie.

For each track, I will write a blog where in I place the self-forgiveness on the points that I describe in the record and so, walking through time and taking responsibility for that what I may not yet have brought back to self. So the tracks will pass by again, one by one.

The motivation to create this serie is for myself to walk through and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within myself and in my actions and for the emotional and feeling attachements (if not already done). While doing so, I will place it within myself as a period of learning and understanding.

Another motivation is the sharing, because during that time, I would have appreciated to hear about such journeys, as support for myself. So that it may be of support for at least one other person who is experiencing a more troubling time during the years of fertility and/or while reflecting back on it; but also for everyone to expand in awareness and consideration of what is involved within our ‘hormonal system’ that seems so natural.

It is a personal sharing with the (main) aspects described as they are, where in I explain my point of motivation during that time, together with my view and perspective on it now. It may be a bit slow or messy sometimes where I search for words and ways to describe what I have walked and what I see within me, especially in the beginning tracks as I just started here with making records and English is not my mother language. However, when listening to the serie, the essence should come through.

Enjoy and thanks for listening!

Reflection on the years of fertility (playlist on soundcloud)

Next blog: 1. Introduction

Ooievaar36

Two related interviews:

I Died when I Couldn’t Have the Child I Dreamt of – Life Review

I Died when I Couldn’t Have the Child I Dreamt of (Part 2) – Life Review

————————————————————————————————————————-

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 705 – The body-being-mind relationship – Who am I ?

discobal

The question ‘who am I’ was being discussed within group-chats that I participate in and at first, this was a bit vague for me. Meaning, I could not really define who I am and this was actually an important basic-point all the time, like, I could rationally understand ‘who I am’ and perfectly give words to it that I have learned and seen as real and common sense over the last few years. However, this does not mean that I as ‘me’, am really understanding and realizing myself as who I am.

Last week I was at my weekly sport-lesson. Standing half in front of a mirrow, doing the excersises within a group on music, I like this kind of work-out. What I noticed were the self-judgements that were automatically coming up within myself. Small and fast thoughts about how I look – positive as well as negative – and within this, as soon as they come up, I feel and notice how I finally diminish myself and actually define myself within and as these judgements. So here, I define myself as ‘who I am’ within and as self-judgement, so in and as the mind. Which is not a very supportive way to exist.

Moving on with the lesson, a realization came up within and as myself: I know and am sure what I stand for, I stand for and as principled living. I have committed myself to this, I am walking this now for several years, I am sure that this is what I want, what I will do and what I stand for and as and I am sure that I will forgive and correct myself when and as I am not living accordingly to the principles that are considering myself as life as a whole.

I can be and am sure of this, because I have extensively studied and applied this, I have walked and am continues walking this as a process that is needed to move myself from consciousness to awareness (where my awareness is present in and as myself within principled living, considering life as a whole). And here, I realized that this will be my platform of ‘who I am’, it’s my integrity and/as the certainty within and as myself, of my commitment and effort to live within principles that are best for myself (as life) and within this, for and as life as a whole and change myself into this on all the levels that I have separated myself in, as separation from this awareness within and as myself.

While realizing this, the small ‘rembling’ self-judgements disappeared/went silent and I have moved beyond this point within myself. Every time that an uncertainty comes up within myself, I remember myself as who I am within principles living. When I see within myself that self-judgements from another dimension keep on going, I know that these are other patterns that I need to look at, to forgive and correct within myself. However these small, rambling, diminishing self-judgements that are going on and on in my and every one’s mind – you know, the ones where everything is judged within self, a look on my face, a posture, actually my physical appearance and how I express myself in every small detail and then comparing myself to another, as being so self-conscious of every movement within and as my mind without doing anything about it – these are not needed, these do not make any sense at all and are of no support for myself, in and as life.

Within this moment during the sport, my calves became warmer and the circulation towards the calves, became better. A slight pain that did come back within the top of my left calve the few days before, it went away. One step forward towards earthing myself, one step deeper within my own physical body and finding a reference-point for myself that I can use, that I can live as, when and as I see that I tend to go into diminishing myself with regards to my physical presence and actually, it is a reference-point for myself when and as I tend to go into diminishing myself with regards to any other aspect. Altough here there may be more self-reflection needed, this who I am within principled living is still a reference-point for myself, in any and every moment.

More points to come, as I do feel more area’s that are cold within my physical that I will move myself towards, when and as I realize myself more and more in who I really am within the potential that I can live by and as.

Would you like to learn more about what principled living entails and how we can all start with this, within and as ourselves? There are lot’s of articles, video’s and lessons to find, free on line. To learn and understand where we come from (see ‘articles’ and ‘video’s’) and with practical solutions of how to move forward (see ‘lessons’ and ‘free on line’). For some basic understanding with regards to the terms ‘consciousness and awareness’, see the 3 links in the written text here above.

waterdrop

The body-being-mind relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

Dag 358 – Impressed by the interpretation of the impression of others

https://i1.wp.com/www.tekstblog.nl/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/stempel.gif

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself impress by the impression of others as what they speak in words about me within and as a statement and/or retoric question towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impress myself by my own impressions as reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as the mind of what others may think or feel about or through me which I interpret on my turn in their words and tonality within and as a statement and/or question towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by my belief in the value of judgements of others, and to protect me to not feel hurt anymore, I produce judgements as value to feel better, as a way to control, as a way to be ‘first’ to protect me from this experience of hurt inside myself, to rather place value and/as judgement as a way of control than to feel lost in this experience of hurt again, in and as a belief in the value of judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physical paralized in and as fear of the self-interest of others and/as myself, and in this, start judging everything I fear, as a way to protect myself to not experience this fear for and as the pain that my believe in the value of judgements gives, not seeing, realising and understanding that in this way, I keep on judging myself as others and so I fear myself existing in/as self-interest.

To see beyond the balance of judgement, beyond the balance of the polarity that is existing within the belief in the value of judgement as more or less than me. The Design of Polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself less than my believe in the value of judgement, and so within this, always have and create an experience of ‘loosing’, which is actually an experience of loosing myself in a believe in the value of judgement, in and as the mind, and within this create an experience of hurt, in which I generate energy inside myself and so, I can feel better again within and as myself existing in and as the mind, in and as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the value of judgements in and as a way to control life, not seeing, realising and understanding that within this, I suppress myself as life, I ‘hurt’ myself as life by impressing my interpretation of the impression of others onto myself as life and inprinting this in my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others as/and me to exist and express in and as judgement, coming forward out of fear to loose myself in the hurt that is caused by the belief in the value of judgements, not seeing, realising and understanding that by allowing judgement, I allow fear of loosing myself equally within this, and so with making more and more judgements, I make more and more  fear, which is accumulating over time until I exist in and as fear in and as control in and as this physical existence as it exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the tendency to crawl into bed under the blankets and not come out again until this experience of fear has fade away, in which I believe the fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear I experience is real, which I use as an excuse to not stand up and correct in every moment what I see that needs correction in and as a judgement in and as myself which has caused the fear to exist.

*

When and as I see myself pulling back as suppressing myself because of being impressed by words or an retoric question from another towards me, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that the words every one speak, are an expression of every ones selves, which are impressed on something seen in me as the other and so spoken as if it has something to do with me, but it has not, it is their interpretation of what they see in and as me.

I realize that as long as we are directed by the mind, and speak words in/as a judgement in/as the mind, we speak about ourselves and our words are related to something in/as a judgement in ourselves, in which the word ‘judgement’ means something we give more or less value to and so we are not standing equal to and one as this ‘something’, which we recognize in another person as a reflection of our own personality, and so we tend to impress this something on others as an interpretation.

I realize that if I react to words, spoken as and in the mind, I relate these words to something in/as a judgement, meaning I give more or less value to it, and so I need to investigate all relations with the word I react to and/or with the person as I see as a personality who speaks the words and/or the tonality that all together triggers a personality in me, and so I need to do self-investigations on all these aspects related to this specific moment.

When and as I see myself reacting in thoughts, feelings and/or emotions on the words and/or tonality in a statement and/or a retoric question from another person, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I react in and as an interpretation as a judgement in and as the mind, which I use to control my own reactions inside myself, in which I impress/supress myself in and as self-expression.

I realize that by protecting myself in and as a an interpretation as a judgement, I hurt myself and others in and as a way to control, ‘to be first’, and so within this I do exactly the same that I am protecting myself for in the first place, which is the doom of self-interest, attacking myself and/as others in and as a way of ‘protection’ in and as the mind, in and as control, giving value to judgements as interpretations and opinions existing in and as the mind.

I commit myself, when and as I feel myself reacting as pulling back, to stop and breath. I let the words flow through me, and see what reaction comes up in me, as this is that ‘something’ that I can and need to work with. For the moment, I stop and breathe. If I am clear, I speak up, if I am not clear, I stay in silence and support myself to become clear and stable in this situation. Eventual, I stand up and walk away, breathing, applying some self-forgiveness on what I see coming up. I flag-point this moment and if and when necessary I write it out later to see myself in this, to set myself free from the limitations in and as reactions on the words and/or tonality of another person by applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and in the next time in inter-action in a similar situation with another person, I see if I have been effective in my application and be stable, or that I need to do some more investigation inside myself to become stable and clear, in and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate why I supress myself in and as reaction instead of standing here and see what it is that I fear to become hurt by, what it is that I belief and within this, what it is that I give value to in and as a judgement, in and as the mind. I embrace myself in this, I let what it is that hurts me, flow through me while I am breathing, so that I can see directly into myself in this, and really forgive myself untill no reaction is coming up, so that and in which I enable myself to correct myself in physical reality.

When and as I see myself existing in fear, wanting to crawl in bed under the blankets to not come out until the fear fade away, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I experience accumulated fear which becomes overwhelming when it is triggered, in which I believe I have to correct ‘everything’ in one moment, which is a projection in and as the mind to enlarge en enhold it’s existence in and as fear.

I realize that real self-correction correction takes place breath by breath, and standing up in this goes easy, quiet, in a move, and only the mind on forehand is giving a lot of noise to create and stay in fear.

I realize that I can embrace myself and lay down, breathing, holding myself, but, that I cannot crawl under the blankets and stay in the bed, as the fear is not fading away by itself, it will only be suppressed in and as the sleep comes up, and so it will come back, even more accumulated.

I commit myself to embrace myself, hold myself, move myself, forgive myself if and when existing in fear and/or hurt. I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness on specific thoughts/feelings/emotions, triggerpoints that I see and come up, I see what is supportive as self-correction, I feel in my body where the fear is manifested and realize that this is related to old experiences as judgements that I gave value to in and as a believe in and as the mind, which I suppressed and so stored in my physical body. So, it takes time to walk this through, to write it out, to forgive myself, to correct myself, breath by breathe, as a support for and as myself, with and as this fear, not resisting it, as resistance will only enlarge the experience.

And first of all, I commit myself to STOP and BREATHE, to eventual speak some words in common sense to myself and within this move myself OUT of this fear existing in/as the mind. I allow myself to move out of this state of mind.

rode goedgekeurd stempel

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 267 – Wie ben ik? personal economic background

Dag 266 – Wie ben ik?

I grew up in a middle-class environment.
There was always money enough to eat, and always ‘little money left at the end of the month’, but never lead to any serious money problems.

I have been supported for education by my parents and by government, as how this was arranged in those days. I studied 2 years on the school of Art (photography) and after these 2 years, I decided to stop and switch to an education of Natural Medicine, which is a HBO-level of education (one level below university).

Here the investigation of how the body works really started. And this has never stopped; I am still investigating this within using my own body as a reference.

During studytime I had to work for my own living; only education was payed for and I lived by myself. So I studied and worked at the same time for 6 years.

I still have this balance:
I work for money to live from in an area close to my education, at the Vitaminstore; a store with vitamins and other ‘health supporting products’ where is a lot of room for personal advise and communication. Within this job I have just enough money to live from with the support of some extra allowance from the government and the municipality for house and medical care, as it is arranged in The Netherlands at the moment for people who have minimum income.

At the same time I walk the Journey to Life with the people from Desteni, and as long as I am able to, I will pay for the education and support I receive within this, just as I pay for any other education that I receive. I really do not see why this is suddenly such a big issue as we simply all need money to live from in the world how it exist at the moment. Money in itself is not the problem, it is who we are related to money, that makes it a problem. And money will and has to be (part of) the way to solve the problem in totality in this world, because we are all related to money.

I have started 2 times my own business: one time a practise of natural medicine, one time a store with foodsupplements. And 2 times I was not able to stand in this so I stopped it. I found out that I was still not standing in what I want: to support other people in maintaining and/or reaching stability within the physical body.
I can only be a support for others if I am a living example in this by myself, and I was not, I was not able to be stable within my own physical body. And here I started the Desteni-I-Process. And the Whole World opened op.

The whole world of how we exist in inequality, related to money and survive. Me seperating myself from my neighbour, out of fear of being attacked in some way, in every way. And within this, me seperating myself from my own physical body, living in fear.

As as long as I live in fear, I am not living in and as the flesh of my body but instead of this, hiding within fear in/as the mind. So what is this, the mind, who is the mind, who am I as the mind, why am I as the mind not working together with myself as the physical body? Why am I as the mind not working together with my neighbour? Who am I as the mind not working together with myself as the physical body and with the neighbour as the physical body as myself? How is this related to the environment I live in, to the family I grew up in, to the whole world I live in? Who created the world and who creates the world? How is the mind related to money and within this, how am I related to money?

All these questions are related to how the world exist at the moment: total inequality and immense suffering. And if I donot investigate and change myself, than who is gonna change the world? The neighbour?

So, I started this process out of seeing for a long time in my own life: there is defenitely something wrong – altough it seems like everything is okay – and nobody is speaking about it. My own body as substance is reflecting to me, there is something wrong.

And the physical world as Earth as a Body as substance is a reflection of who I am/who we are, and there is defenitely something wrong – and actually it doesnot even seem okay anymore – but still almost no-body is really speaking about it. And if you Do speak about it and work together for a solution, you will be attacked. Now that is a strange thing, isn’t it?
Will I keep on living in fear of being attacked and in fear of loosing my comfort, or will I stand up and speak for myself and/as others who are not able to speak?

I am and keep on walking this Journey, to get myself stable within my own physical body, and eventually be an example for others to become stable within their physical body. Which starts with food, water, house and education for All.

What is best for All, is best for me, because All includes me.

Day 15: Who am I? Prisoner of the Mind?

Somebody-help-me-understand-what-makes-me-starve-in-a-world-of-plenty

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/