Dag 805 – Recognizing it for what it is

I was looking at an experience within myself. A recurrent experience. The experience on itself comes up in me as self-hate. It circled over and over again but I was not able to stop it or look further into it. Looking as for example investigating; is it hate towards myself, is this possible or is it actually an experience / memory of hate towards another and then projected onto myself / my body? Still no progress.

Then I found, it is not hate, it is fear. There is always a fear behind it. So every time when the experience did come up, I reminded myself, it is fear; what is the fear behind it? I did not yet find an answer but within this, the experience of self-hate stopped, the attack on myself, inside myself, towards myself, stopped as it is a step towards self-responsibility. as in ‘not pushing it aside / away’ – towards my intestine for example, so an attack on my physical body – but the experience turned around and the question ‘what is the fear behind it?’ is bringing the experience upwards, towards the heart-area, closer towards ‘myself’ so to speak.

Another thing I see related is an experience of deep regret that I felt stored in my physical body, in the lower parts of my large intestines. I mentioned this towards Sylvie and she recommended an interview from the Atlanteans about regret. I did not yet listen but for the moment work with what she found so far (because it hit home for me):

“It is an emotional energy (with an experience of turning in the stomach) or it is a construct created through structural thinking-processes. With the last, self-judgements are related, as in ‘I wish I had done this or that’ etc.” (Dutch: “Het is of een emotionele energie (met maag draaiengevoel) of een constructie gecreeerd door structurele denkprocessen. Bij die laatste zijn zelfoordelen van de partij van had ik maar zo en zus, enzo”)

The last I recognized and made sense directly. There is a deep deep self-judgement existing within me and it takes my breath away; so with this self-judgement, I take my own breath away, I break down and cry. I would say it is as an ongoing attack towards myself and it feels like ‘I will never be able to come through this’.

This makes sense as here it all comes down to myself and what I am doing to myself. It is not already ‘solved’ with this and my body is still strained and / as it needs to be specified and forgiven, but it is a progress, a step forward and inward, towards myself.

Bernard also told me before in a different context, “you need to name / recognize it for what it is”. If I define it as something different, I am not able to open it up. So a sign that nothing is changing and that I am circling in the same experience over and over again, may indicate that I define an experience as something that it is not, or only a very small part of it and so I unable myself to forgive myself and go deeper. As I keep myself separated for what I have hidden inside of me.

So to start opening it up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep circling in an experience of self-hate without making any progress and without being able to stop myself in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear something and turn this into hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project hate onto my own intestine and attack my own intestine for not working properly, without being able to look further at what I am really doing inside myself, towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on a very deep level without being able to specify what I judge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away by judging myself for what I did or did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for every mistake, the small, the big and fear to be judged for every mistake, the small, the big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk on egg-shells inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to really relax with who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think and believe that I could have done better, trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and so fear consequences as I believe that with making consequences, I deserve punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘doing my best’ for a point of self-interest, in trying to keep something that I prefer and within this, trying to prevent consequences and walking on egg-shells, so that ‘I am not to blame’ which is my own back-lash coming at me, as a sabotage-pattern, to blame myself afterwards for ‘what I could have and should have’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step on myself and keep myself small, stamping myself in the ground so to speak with this construct, trying to stay invisible in perfectionism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack myself as soon as I even consider stepping outside / moving beyond a (pre)programming and so keeping myself imprisoned in my own mind-control, in fear for my own emotional self-attack and in hate of my own obedience towards control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep so much hate hidden and existing within me instead of embracing myself in my own rejected parts, constructs, experiences, protections and everything that I hide within me, piece by piece.

And so, I commit myself to become more gentle, more loose with myself, to distinguish between when to push and when to embrace myself, to distinguish in what I am able to and what not, to distinguish in my starting-point: is it fear or self-honesty? To define as specific as possible what I go through and to look directly in why I did do or not do something within the context and moment it is in and to no longer take it out of the context, into the future as a form of self-abuse of how I should have and could have because what is clear, I could not and so should not, otherwise I would have done it already. And from here, I commit myself to start trusting myself in where I am in my process and what I am able to and what not.

To be continued.


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Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Dag 711 – 1. Introduction

This blog is related to record 1. Introduction

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as ‘too intimate’ to speak about the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘one does not talk about these things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the process that I have walked as a waste of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame about compromising myself in the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear of being nailed to the pillory when and as I openly speak about the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to talk about and think ‘why should I share this, it doesn’t matter so much’, while at the same time I see that it does matter, that for me it is a way of support to open up and walk through the details and points to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I share is so ‘child-like’ and that there are more important things to share and that ‘others are sharing more interesting processes’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share because I notice within myself that there are some energies related in and as the mind and I don’t want to share from the mind in and as energy, I want to share as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel some emotion coming up at the end when I listen to myself speaking that it is not really possible anymore to bear a healthy child (because the period of fertility is at it’s ending) where in I do not even would define it as ‘sadness’ but more as a ‘loss’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret for not having been able to full-term a pregnancy and give birth to a child – for not having the tools for self-support and being able to effectively support myself while I was in the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I have walked is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could have done better.

When and as I see myself participating in a thought as belief of something being ridiculous or not important to share, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in a sabotage pattern within myself that I better not participate in as this is preventing me from sharing anything from and as myself. I realize that within the small, there is an opportunity to transcent because, we start creating ourselves and our lives from the small. I realize that I cannot directly share from myself as a being, as first I need to walk through the mind and take responsibility for the energies coming from thoughts, feelings and emotions within me and so, while walking and sharing, I will slowly see myself coming through as me as directing this process. I commit myself to walk through all the records and apply self-forgiveness on the energies coming up and coming through and from here, use it as self-support to stop the related separation within and as myself and coming more towards and into expression as myself.

When and as I see myself going into a thinking of it not being good enough what I have walked, I stop and breathe. I realize that everything that I walk is ‘good enough’ as it is how it is and that it is not so much the outcome that determines who I am but what matters, is who I am within and how I take responsibility for myself in it within the small aspects. I commit myself to walk with what is here within and as myself and take responsibility for who I am within what I walk, from the small to the big.

When and as I notice an experience of something being ‘too intimate to share’ within me, I stop and breathe. I realize that we are not used to openly share about what is really going on within ourselves and I realize as well that what I share in relation to the years of fertility and the process that I have walked, is something that many women can to some degree relate to and as well for men, it can be supportive to better understand what the women may go through and so, it is a very common thing to speak about that may be of support as well for others who are also experiencing it as ‘too intimate’ to share or speak about.

When and as I experience a regret of not having been able to effectively support myself while being in my fertile years, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is the reality of what we as humanity have accepted and allowed on earth and within and as ourselves to exist and create and so, I as well walk through less fortunate situations and experiences that are and were not optimum and that this is for myself to take responsibility for as a point to take on, for myself as well as for life as a whole and that it is about me standing within principle, no matter what happens. I commit myself to take responsibility for the parts in me and my life that were not so fortunate, to forgive myself and make peace with it and see how to put myself as point of support in this for myself and others and I commit myself to investigate how the experience of ‘loss’ is related to not being able to bear a healthy child anymore with regards to being at the end of the years of fertility and to take responsibility for it within this serie of blogs.

I commit myself to keep practising and sharing about the simple, daily points that we are all facing within ourselves during our lives, maybe in different ways but in essence the same.

Ooievaar 1 (4)

Next blog: Dag 712 – 2. Loosing stability


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Dag 626 – “Hey, I have changed!”

change-gifI was reading a few old blogs from myself where in I walked a process with the animals. Here I have written pretty much about how I ignored life in a point at a crucial moment and how I did not accept that anymore from/as myself.

Now, more than a year later when reading back, I see that I really walked through this point and changed myself within. I am not deliberately ignoring points anymore by going into my mind. I am not saying that I am aware all the time, that is still a process that I am walking. But I see that within the point of ignorance of my responsibility in a certain moment I have seen what I did wrong, I faced myself within, I have written it out, walked through the experiences coming up within myself, forgiven myself, written the corrective statements and most important, made the absolute decision to change in this point and from here, I changed.

I notice that when I am at a point of really seeing what I have accepted and allowed within myself, facing myself within the unacceptable and understanding what it contains, what system I am participating in, in/as the mind as distraction from myself and within this understanding / forgiving myself – from here the decision is absolute, it is enough and enough is enough and from here, I change in real time, immediately and it is simply not an option anymore to live out  the destructive pattern again. There are moments coming up where I have to push myself through and do things that I ‘do not prefer or like’ and there may be mistakes that I make and need to forgive and correct myself in and deeper dimensions can/will come up to investigate, but it is not an option to not doing it or to even consider to not doing what is needed to be done within this point.

And from here I become more quiet, more satisfied with myself. In this way I build in and as self-trust and from here I can take on the next point, and the next and the next. And this innitiate point is not an issue anymore, it is not a problem anymore but it is something that I decided to live and that I from here, live and integrate in what I live/how I live/who I am.

And this is very cool to notice. Not because ‘it is so cool and wonderful that I have changed‘ but because it is so cool that I have changed within/as this point, which contains that I am not living this destructive pattern/behaviour anymore where in I hurted myself and another as life.

Here I see the effectiveness of walking this process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrections together with walking this application in real time moments and integrating this as a ‘way of living’ as what is best for all in/as life. It are the very painful moments where real shame comes up, where in I face myself and if I dare to look, to see myself, to experience the pain and shame, to forgive and to admit to myself that I did it badly wrong; these moments I have found as the turning-points to immediate, real change that will function as stepping-stones to walk on and to keep on walking and forgiving/changing myself while moving through the challenging times.

Here the words ‘change is possible’ become true as real for/as myself and from here I start ‘believing’ as seeing that change is possible, where it is not an assumed/accepted believe in/as the mind but a living proof in/as myself that I walk and integrate and after several time walking, I notice: ‘hey, I have changed within this point and I am living this change without it being a mountain in my head to look up to’.

So for this, I really recomment Desteni I process and walking this process for yourself together within a group of people as mutual support, as support for and as life to stand up for what is best for all. Which includes everyone and everything.

full_robot-virgins-together-alone

Download this great song, it’s free. Let’s decide and learn to stand together alone.

Read: The Secret to Self-Realisation.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

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Uil forgive

 

Dag 279 – Expressie en de Darm – The One Point of Responsibility that I missed – Totally

Desteni-I-Process/Lite

Last week I could start seeing how I have missed the whole point of self-responsibility applied within relationships, which started within the first relationship, with the mother. I knew this almost my whole life, I knew I missed an important thing, but I didnot see how and where. Within the missing of this one point in this one relationship, I created all my relationships within this one point, especially the so called love-relationships. And following up on this it affected – and still does – my whole life, where it functions as a sabotage-point on every area.

I could start seeing within the whole line of creations within this during my life. I could see just over the edge, but I did not dare to see full into it. It was and is overwhelming and I experience(d) a lot of regret. Walking from relationship to relationship, leaving behind situations that had really potential, looking for, looking for, looking for more? It seemed looking for more, but actually it was looking for myself. Thinking/believing that within the situation that I was, I could not find it, so I had to move on. And within this creating emotions as sadness and feelings as hope.

But also regret about the relationship with the mother, which I based on this one point, and within this missed everything else, including her. I missed her completely, and this is how I experience it. I missed here lol her as myself, and so i was not here. Within this seperation within myself I created so much likes and dislikes, which reflects back on me in the relationships I choose and walked.

This whole situation accumulated and build up in layers within my physical body. This whole week my body was tight up, I barely could turn my head. This combined with a physical treatment with the osteopath 2 weeks ago, who supported me to come lower within my body, to the pelvic flore, where he said: okay, there is a bucket, you are standing next to it, you can just look right into it, and this sadness within the bucket is stored on your bladder. And I said, yes, I notice this, I will work with this at home. And so I do. He also said, it is hard working for you isn’t it? Do what is neccesary, it is like a delivery.

Desteni-I-Process

I understand now the endless sadness that I always felt, which I used as energy generation, where the crying was some kind of reward in this bucket of not taking self-responsibility, which gave me a sense of ‘moving’ as a replacement of breathing. It is an endless line of not taking self-responsibility and always putting away the last point of taking things back to self. Which actually is the one point that is not applied in religions, where the last One point of self-responsibility is layed aside, to ‘God’, to The Mind as The One, instead of taking everything back to self and become One as Life within as/Self Responsibility. In this way, we/I will always miss the one point, which is: mySelf. I as Self as the Solution. So it is the endless sadness of missing….mySelf.

I as Self am the Solution and the Responsibility for the Relationships that exist within me and from this without me. I at the moment exist as relationships in/as the mind. If I as Self take Responsibility within this, I am/become Self Responsible, and from this starting point I change the relationships within me, and around me, and so on in the world.

So the One Point of Responsibility that I missed is Self Responsibility.

I have become a very ‘responsible’ person during my life, which is actually a Personality of Responsibility. Because, if I am not Self Responsible, than what does it mean to be responsible? It means that I am responding to the other, so to the other=the mind. Which is no self-expression but expression in/as reflection, so in/as reaction on the other(=the mind). I was missing the point of communication within the last 2 relationships I was in, which is actually missing communication with and as myself in self responsibility and from this starting point of missing, I started a relationship.

I have to start in this one relationship. Which is the relationship with myself; where my reactions on some one else shows the seperations inside myself. Within the experience of immens regret, I still experience lots of resistance – probably even? – and I still want to walk away. I have to walk through all the layers within the physical where the thoughts as reactions are build up in/as resistance. If I walk away, I cannot walk through.

Walking this, I started the serie “Expressie en de Darm” a while ago, written in Dutch. Where (main part of) the control is physically manifested within the muscles of the Darm=Large Intenstine, which I am no day free of so far. Just how I created it.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up everything without investigating the total influence of this on my life and on m’s life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know the total influence, and to not want to take responsibility for myself in totality and within this, creating consequences for myself and m.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and create the feeling that I have lost everything and I did it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hardly can breathe from facing myself within what I allowed and accepted myself to manifest in this one point of relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never knew what regret really means without using justifications to justify it to make it ‘less worse’, until now, and this is what people probably walk and experience in totality, maybe 10x worse or more, when they walk their life-review after dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so arrogant because of how I grew up with free will and money to buy some free will, where in I did not really see what it means to have a house or not have a house and to be dependent on someone for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see what m was speaking about with regards to the house that we lived in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the potential of m, but to not come through this one point within myself, where the only best option I saw was leaving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave so soon because I knew that if I would wait longer, I probably won’t do it anymore, and I wanted to move alone 1 more time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to screw up myself within wanting something 1 more time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to know what it is to stand alone, and for this, believing so many times that I needed to move to stand alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like everythings stops at the moment, with me here, facing  a reality that I am not sure I want to be in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the reality I live in now to the reality I lived in last year, and this comparing makes me blind for the possibilities within the reality I live in now, because I only experience lost of what I had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a throat that feels blown up from experiencing regret within facing ‘what have I done’, without ability to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a not knowing if I will ever come out of this, because I am not able to change the situation anymore, so the only option is chaning me, and that is that I have never done before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to bring myself within a situation that really no other option is possible before I start changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a situation that I wished, which is stopping everything so that I can start over without any distraction, and now that I am facing myself within this, scare the hell out of me and experiencing regret and doubts within questioning if this was really neccessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a lover behind in my mind as a safe place to hide in, instead of walking one on one and really release the sadness and sorrow from the body, so that I will be able to really live love as equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare the hell out of myself with who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in myself without even noticing, ‘well this is your own good, you did it yourself’, and within this blaming myself for what I have done and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I have done and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of indifference out of thinking that it doesn’t make sense anymore because I missed this one opportunity.

When and as I see myself going down in facing myself in reality, within experiences of regret, I stop, I breathe. I allow myself to cry to release the pain and emotions, and I write out what I need within this releasing.

I realise that i have to face myself and walk the consequenses, and I realize that I had to walk consequenses anyway, no matter what way I would have chosen; that is why it was such a difficult decision to make.

I commit myself to face myself completely, and to forgive myself for what I have created and manifested from this one point of not taking responsibility as self.

I commit myself to not allow myself to go into blaming anymore and so to not create a new layer of seperation within myself.

I commit myself to walk slowly and carefully within every decision that I have to make, and to investigate in totality what is really best, from a starting point of self-responsibility.

I commit myself to care for myself and others from the starting point of self-responsibility as what is best for all, instead of from the starting point of free choice in/as energy.

When and as I see myself going into a sense of indifference because I missed this one opportunity in the past, I stop, I breathe.

I realise that I can walk in self responsibility this time, and that now that I face myself, I am able to forgive myself and to change myself within the situation that I live in, instead of changing the situation. I realise that by comparing past and present, I am still generating energy in/as the mind by holding on to personal preferences, and keeping myself away from the possibility to change.

I realise that I now make a situation with a male in the past as ‘the one’, and when I was in that situation with that specific male, I did the same with another male in the past and/or with a not known possible male in the future. So basicly I am still laying aside self responsibility to ‘The One’, as I described as is applied in religions, and I do it with the religion of love/relationships.

I commit myself to stop and forgive the personal preferences and to walk with what and who is here in the present as what is supporting me to stand up within and as myself.

When and as I see myself going into the past and making this situation/relationship as ‘the one’, I stop, I breathe. I see in myself what it is that I do not want to take responsibility for within myself .

I realise that I make the situation/relationship in the past as ‘The One’ to shift of my self responsibility, and because this One in the past is the only excuse I have left, I hold on to this in/as the mind.

I realise that if I am not seeing into my fears and/as resistances for taking self responsibility, I am not able to change myself within this.

I commit myself to see into my fears and/as resistances that I experience related to taking self responsibility. I write about it, apply self forgiveness, self corrective statements and self commitment statements, which prepare me for real change in reality in and as myself.

I cannot change the past anymore, I can only forgive myself within the past, and correct and change myself in the present, so that in future I will not make the same mistakes.

DAY 8: How do we Create/Manifest ‘Who we Are’?

Parenting – Perfecting the Human race

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Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/