Dag 730 – Pushing my self-honesty

self-honesty

“And also pushing your self-honesty, cause you may find that what you prefer and what you can live with, is not the same”

Continuing on opening up the inner conflict that I wrote about in the previous blog. Something existing in it that I did not get a clear sight on and so, this is part of the reason why I did not open it up before, not really, but only looking at it from a starting-point of not being willing to change.

I saw the conflict of what I can live with and what I prefer, however I did not place the word ‘prefer’ in this and was looking at it as a desire, which was not really describing it as I did not really experience it as a desire so I could not work with that.

From here I lived the situation in reality – this is what happens when and as I am not willing or able to let something go through writing and self-forgiveness –  where I started to live as ‘what I prefer’ in a certain point but noticed that I could not keep standing in this physically, it was exhausting me. I have learned to push beyond some limitations of ideas of tiredness and not being able to etc, so I pushed myself in this. However here I was using this application in trying to live what I prefer, until the point of conflict inside myself and reflecting outside in a relationship, where I from this point started to open up this point of inner conflict and found my self-honesty within.

This gives inner peace and self-satisfaction as a reference-point and so I have found something to expand myself in. Where I had a chat about this conflict playing out in my external reality in a ‘breaking up’ in a relationship and here, my buddy mentioned to “push your self-honesty, cause you may find that what you prefer and what you can live with, is not the same”.

This made sense and could land within me, as here I suddenly understood how I have to make peace with this fact of what I can live with that may not be the same as what I prefer to live with. So here, I am ready to bring this point into self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a point that I prefer to live with and within this, compromise myself in and as my self-honesty and from here, see my self-honesty disregarded and not recognized through others, through a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in my self-honesty in relation to a point that I prefer to live in and as with a partner but where in I see that I can not live with it like ‘how I would prefer’ as in this way it is exhausting me although I may want it so badly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself in this point of compromising myself in my self-honesty with regards to a preference of how to live a relationship, where from here I see it reflected that a partner is able to live it like that but in a point of inconsideration of other possibilities and more in a way of ‘wanting it the easy and nice way’, of wanting convenience from where I then feel inferior because I am physically not able to ‘live up with this way of convenience’ – on several dimensions – and actually it is also not what I want or prefer anymore but I do not want to loose this partner and I prefer to share something with him and if he is not willing to consider me in this, I will loose this point of what I prefer to share with him.

Here it doesnot mean that I then need to ‘break up’ with this partner but more that I need to stand up within and as my self-honesty and from here, opening this up with the partner and lay out what I am able to and what not and from here, give him the choice to walk with me in this or not and so, taking the risk to ‘loose this partner’ and so to loose this ‘sharing that I prefer most to do with him’.

This sharing is still possible, also from a starting-point of self-honesty as here it is more in consideration of my own physical and so of physical reality as a whole and for the other it would mean a consideration of another being in and as the physical and so of his own physical and physical reality, meaning seeing and moving beyond only our own preferences and start living what is best for all.

For this, one need to be ready to give up some created energetic experiences and behaviours and activities and so if one is not willing or ready, a break up will follow (or takes place in advance to prefent looking at a point of self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and being rejected because of bringing forward a point within self-honesty that another is perhaps not willing to consider or resisting to look at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself within and as my self-honesty and so reject myself in my self-honesty and from here, create this form and experience of rejection in my outside world in an intimate relationship as a reflection of the relationship with myself, inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start blaming the one who is rejecting me as a reflection of my inner rejection of my own self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear voicing myself in and as self-honesty where then the fear should come forward out of and existing as a point of judgement and rejection of my own self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘hate’ towards myself about this point of compromise within and as myself (where in it is practical to look at ‘hate’ as in ‘building up angryness’ in – what I find very clear – ‘points that I did not yet have taken responsibility for’ and from here, this accumulates in and as the experience of angryness into or towards the experience of hate – towards self actually but if we are not willing/able to bring it back to self, we will project the experience of ‘hate’ onto something or someone outside ourselves, like as in ‘I hate my partner when he does this or that’).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience real shame about how I have rejected and ignored my own self-honesty, within trying to live what and how I prefer, in and as an idea, in and as the mind that I have appaerently created within and as myself with regards to relationships.

Why do I write this in a blog of Wholesome Journeys under the category of ‘the influence of a spastic colon’?

Because I have manifested this pattern within and as my colon with spasms, as a way of physical expression that is compromised by a mind-pattern that I have integrated within and as my physical body. In this blog I write more about how my mind consciousness system is implemented in my physical body in a way that it influences my organs and organ-functions, which I can use now as a reference-point to face my own self-limitations and neglection of my self-honesty.

In next blog I will write more about the physical dimension of the pattern that I opened up here.


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Dag 412 – Reacting to reactions

The shoulder muscles starting the headaches coming up from the intenstines – indicating a lot of emotional reactions that you’re reacting to, so there’s things in your mind that come up that you still react to, “reacting to reactions” if you will. Thus, have a look at what things come up in your mind that you fear / resist / become angry about – forgive those reactions that come up towards the mind first and then take on the points in writing (Sunette)

Some writing out of self-forgiveness related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when and as I react inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when and as I am in reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how to stop reacting to my reactions, as it seems that it goes on and on, unstoppable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatience with myself within and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do as if my reactions are not about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically feel like walking a marathon inside myself in and as reacting to my reactions which gives a brewsed kind of feeling inside my intestines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be careful with and as myself in and as reacting to my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions inside myself when somebody is around, where in I have become ‘over sensitive’  as easily triggered because of accumulated reactions inside myself which I judge so suppress inside myself, where this judging of reacting gives tenstion within my body/my large intestine, judging the thoughts as judgements which give reactions so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anybody seeing me reacting and so, I suppress my expression in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have followed the example that I have had when growing up, of not showing my reactions, because I wanted to be just like him and not like her, and he did not showed reactions and she did more openly, and I choose ‘to be like him’, and so, I do not show my reactions, which gives inside myself a reaction/judgement towards my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not show my reactions as this would mean that I am weak’ and give in and show my face, which would mean that I am just like her, and I don’t want to, because I already have made the decision to ‘blame her’ (see previous blog).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thing, believe and perceive, that not showing my reactions meand having control of and within the situation, where in I feel safe in and as control in and as the mind, within a situation that I experience as ‘emotional unsafe’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can be hurt emotionally, and so I suppress my emotions as reactions inside myself, not seeing, realizing and understanding that in this way, I hide myself within and as emotions in and as the mind, keeping myself locked in, generating energy in and as a perceived control in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to have my reactions, and so reject my reactions/myself in and as reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my reactions because I have only learned and seen from the example that I choose to follow, to not show reactions and/or having difficulties inside self with reactions, from which I made up that reactions are ‘something bad’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to become angry at myself when I did something wrong, and within this, show an angry reaction about/toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself in and as reaction when I do something ‘wrong’ like by accident putting a hammer on my finger for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself when I do something that I perceive as ‘wrong’, wherein I react inside myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself and so my reactions when I react, because I perceive reactions as ‘doing something wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘this is who I am’ and always will be instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I copied a pattern of an elder who I choose to follow and learn from and from an elder who I choose to reject to follow and learn from, which gave friction and conflict inside myself upon this patterns in and as this rejection of an elder and so, of the pattern that I copied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself in and as reaction and so create a layer of rejection upon reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create another layer of friction and conflict by ‘choosing’ between two elders and stepping into polarity within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘I don’t want to’ and ‘I want to’ inside myself by choosing in and as polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a layer of rejection of myself in and as the pattern of reaction, existing as a thought ‘I don’t want to be like her’ and so automatically choose to ‘want to be like him’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘be like him’, the one who is not reacting, while within myself, I suppress myself in and as ‘being like her’, the one who is reacting inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to reactions from myself and others in and as a state of separation in and as polarity, in and as the mind, as this reactions, trigger the conflict as polarity inside myself, and so, gives an experience of separation, which is existing in a layer of dissatisfaction with and as myself existing in and as reaction underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my dissatisfaction with and as myself, existing in and as reaction underneath, by a layer of conflict in and as polarity, in and as the illusion of ‘having a choice’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an illusion of choice to hide the experience of desperation and dissatisfaction that I exist in and as in relation to my own reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself in and as reacting to my own reactions and within this, lock myself in, into the mind consiousness system.

When and as I see myself participating in and as a reaction towards a reaction, from myself and/or another, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself the experience as reaction that is coming up, as I realise that within this, I am creating a conflict as polarity to hide what is laying/lying underneath and I do this every time again to become more stable within myself in and as breath and when I am still reacting towards reactions, I forgive msyelf, I investigate specific what is going on, I write it out when needed and move on, as I realize it takes time to see, investigate, self-forgive and correct this point in all the layers and dimensions coming up.

I commit myself to investigate the reactions and experiences underneath, of dissatisfaction and desperation within myself, to forgive myself what I see, realise and understand, in writing out the points one by one as how they are coming up in daily life.

I commit myself to be and become gentle with and as myself and my physical body with regards to reactions from myself and others , in, as and bringing myself towards real (self)-forgiveness, in and as breath, before, during and/or afterwards every event that is coming up in relation to this point.

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
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Dag 378 – Loneliness – 1

Word Web

I have made a wordweb around the words loneliness, alone and aloneness on paper and applied self-forgiveness on the ingredients and connections out loud.

Here I move on with self-forgiveness on my relationship of positive feelings with 1 person (as a partner and only as company)  to work with the polarity that exist in the experience in loneliness and the search for fulfillment in relationships.

Feelings with 1 person (when being in a partnerrelationship):

not feeling alone as lonely

feeling carried

feeling like I have succeeded

feeling part of society, like joining in

feeling accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feeling alone as lonely when being with 1 other person in and as a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel carried when being with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have succeeded when being with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like part of society, like joining in, when being with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel accepted when being with a partner.

Feelings when being with 1 other person (not in partnership but as company):

joy

more light, not so heavy, able to self-reflect with humour

able to laugh

not so lost in the mindstructures

excited

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joy when being with another person as company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more light as not so heavy and able to self-reflect with humour, when being with another person as company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as heavy as alone when being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience alone to heavy by connecting the word alone to the word heavy and within this, connect myself as being alone as heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and experience myself as being alone as heavy, and within this believing that nobody wants to be with me because I believe I am so heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nobody wants to be with me for a longer time, because I believe I am so heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that every one who is with me for a longer time, becomes heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be able to laugh when being with another person as company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not so lost in the mind-structures when being with another person as company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when being with another person as company, in which I compromise myself as going ‘out of myself’ and within this, not being aware of what happens in my physical body in and as reactions which gives physical constrictions, and so within this, create a polarity of wanting to be with another human being and at the same time wanting to be alone, as not creating constrictions, where in I actually alone also create constrictions in and as the mind, in and as reaction on my own mind-patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create constrictions in and as reactions towards my own mind-patterns which I suppress in and as myself, to not feel all these reactions as rejections inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself in and as reaction on my own mind-patterns, alone and when being in company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like myself in and as the mind, and to be surprised everytime I see someone else in what I interpreted as happily expressing in and as the mind in full convincement, in which I think, how is this possible, and then start creating energy myself in and as reaction on this, and so, do not like myself in and as the mind, in and as reaction, and in this way, keep myself busy with reactions all the time, in and as judgements, experiencing myself as unable to stop this, and so isolate myself in and as being alone, looking for a relationship in and as the mind and at the same time being without company, so that I do not react so much on what I see as interpretation outside myself in and as the mind, in and as reaction and so that I do not see who I have become in and as self-judgement, projected outside myself, in which I think, how is this possible, until I decide, it’s enough, no more compromises which harms life as myself as life and within this having only one option left, which is standing up, standing alone, in and as self-investigation of who I am, have become and can be.

*

When and as I see myself going into reaction on somebody outside myself, I stop, I breathe.

Actually I donot know why I react in that specific moment, I basicly see it as a pattern, just reacting because of the sake of creating energy.

I realize that I cannot be here with myself if I judge everything inside myself in and as reaction as projection on the outside world.

I commit myself to stop reacting in and as the mind on somebody outside myself, and breathe.

I commit myself to investigate what happens in the moment of reaction inside myself specificely, to investigate, see, self-forgive, write out, what it is that I react on and/as what I judge in this in and as a reaction about and as myself, as a judgement about myself.

I commit myself to stand equal as accepting myself as who I exist in and as the mind, no matter what it is that I see, so that I can stop, embrace, stand equal, self-forgive and actually correct myself into a living being in and as the physical, breath by breath.

I realize how I have walked from the staring-point of not wanting to stand alone, and that I am not able to reach the bottom as grounding myself, as long as I am constricted in relationships in and as the mind, in and as emotional reactions and suppression.

I realize that I connect myself in and as emotion towards other emotions of other people, when actually it is not my emotion and I am not emotional about it but becoming emotional in and as this connection, just because of feeding the emotions.

I realize that I am walking in and as the mind in constrictions as assumptions, and within this, constrict myself in and as relationships, in and as the mind, in which I react emotionally in and as judgements, and manifest this reactions physically in and as the large intestine, in and as control.

I commit myself to investigate the assumptions in relation to alone, loneliness, relationships, and push myself to see beyond the balance in this in and as the mind, in and as a believe in what I have learned in this world as ‘real’ without questioning and investigating this to the bottom.

I commit myself to investigate the assumpions about relationships and standing alone to the bottom, so that I can reach the ground and stand up from the bottom, in and as a starting-point of self-honesty.

Winged – Exploring Self Intimacy

….Then I look within me and I realise: That I had deserted me through the manifestation of that which is not real: Judgment – and here I see – that I had done what I had become: That which is not real and desertion: Judgment as that which is not real I had become because I believed the lie that judgment is real and desertion of self because I deserted me through believing that judgment is real – and then manifesting this judgment within me, manifesting this desertion within me –which had become me as my entire world – as my entire experience as the desert of desertion and the mirages of what is not real…

Here I see – I finally see – that this desert is me – I manifested this desert as me because I deserted me – here I see – I finally see – that I these mirages are me -I manifested these mirages because I believed that which is not real is real: Judgment…. (Winged)

(For interviews as support with regards to the experience of loneliness, click on the links in the writing above).

Dag 374 – How Every Breath Counts

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

Dag 376 – Ignorance and preference – self-corrective statements

Dag 377 – The gift of Life by Roos – knowledge and information

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/