Dag 775 – Building self-trust within the living of principles

Isn’t that what we are all looking for eventually? The certainty that we can trust ourself, no matter what happen? Having a self-direction on which we can rely in any given situation? This does not mean that we cannot ask for support when and as needed; this is also part of a self-direction, where we direct ourself towards an asking for assistance, as we do not need to see and ‘know’ everything alone by ourself.

I have noticed for myself that I am most certain when I know what to do and where to go and when and where to look and ask for support, if and when some unexpected issues are coming up. This is for example at work, where I am in an area that I am well educated in and within the activities, there are clear cadres of what needs to happen. Or I notice this for example when I am around with someone who has ‘the lead’ and who knows what to do and where to go and then most optimum if this someone is also taking the participants (and so me) into consideration.

I have noticed the opposite in myself in situations where I am without any cadre or subject to speak about, without anyone that I know, where I become all focussed on my own consciousness and how uncomfortable I experience myself within. So I have no ‘blue-print’ for such situation and also no ‘map’ as clear guidelines layed out.

And what to do then? Here I have noticed that it will be of support to at least, have developped some principled guidelines within me and having developped the ability to ‘fall back’ on myself within and as the awareness of myself in who I am and what I stand for.

What are principles?

Principles I would describe as ‘rules’ that are considering what is best for life as a whole – so the ‘life’ within as well as without. This is such a wide description, because we then first have to look and define what this life actually is and entails and how we exist as human beings within a mind-being-body trinity within and as ourself. Practically seen, it should be a rule that for example when we are with two, you and me, that I can bring in a rule that works for both of us with the focus on our being coming forward within and as our physical body, where in we actively align our mind with this self-expression.

What can be a practicle example: when you and me are going to share diner together in the evenings, and I have always diner at 1700 and you at 1900; first thing that comes up is to have diner at 1800 – that would be ‘fair’ and ‘in the middle’;  but what if you are only at home at 18.30, then this is practical not possible and I need to align to the hour of 1900 if and when we want to share diner. Then if my bloodsugar level is starting to give problems, meaning that my body needs food earlier to function well, then I can decide to eat a small meal at 1600 and then eat again at 1900 and I need some time to adapt myself and my body to this or, if I really find it difficult to physically adapt to this time, then we can decide to still eat separate.

This is a very simple and practical example and in reality, there is much to consider in all kind of situations. It is mostly working if both are willing to consider all aspects and to place ourself in another’s shoes so to speak but, what is vital in this, is to not feed that what we ‘prefer’ in and as energy in our thoughts, feelings and emotions and that we firstly look at a physical, practical outcome that supports the ‘physical life’, inside and outside ourself.

And this is where we all need to re-educate ourself, because we have been ‘educated’ to focus on ‘how we feel’ emotionally and on ‘what we think and what idea we have about something’; so we mainly have been educated to focus on ‘our own mind’.

Back to the topic of ‘building self-trust’ – within following our thoughts, emotions and feelings, we are not really building the self-trust but more, the ‘trust’ towards our mind in ‘how we feel’. And ‘how I feel’ is mostly different than ‘how you feel‘ and so it is difficult in this to come to an agreement that is supporting both our physical body and beingness-expression coming through in this. And, we also find that our emotions and feelings ‘fluctuate’, so I am not constant and trustable if I follow ‘how I feel’ in a certain moment, also because ‘how I feel’ is many times activated by an outside trigger-point and then a memory is being activated.

So, I need certain ‘guide-lines’ or rules that are based on what is best for myself in and as my physical body and that is taking into consideration how my mind-being-body relationship is set up and then how I need to direct myself in this towards an outcome that is substantial and long-lasting, for myself and/as others and/as this physical life as a whole.

This will then start making me trustable for myself as well as for others and in this, I will be able to build myself in and as self-trust; trusting myself as a living being in consideration of all living beings in and as the physical, starting within the very small within myself and in my direct environment.

Well, a lot to consider here and it is only possible to walk it as a process, breath by breath, day by day and every time expanding in awareness and understanding what principled living actually means in thought, word and deed.

Desteni I Process gives a practical guide-line in learning how we function and how to direct ourself within the mind-being-body relatonship and as example I place here My Declaration of Principle.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman


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Uil forgive

 

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Dag 774 – Coming to an understanding of a character

For many many years in my life, as long as I am interested in relationships, I have pushed back and forward within myself within the polarity of wanting a relationship and then finding out that I can not (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it or another cannot (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it. And everytime I am looking for reasons within my own mind for why and how and what I can do more. What I see deep within me is that I on some level, start within a point of compromise and then I am not able to bring myself within the relationship, to a point of self-honesty and equality and oneness, in and as myself, while moving together to this point.

Af friend said years ago to me like ‘Ingrid, maybe you first need to find your own strength before you will be in a raltionship that you are satisfied with’ (or something like this). Here I also saw that this is real what she mentions, like this is the key, however I also found it quite daunting because I felt a lot of fear to walk this path – fear of never being able to walk with a partner on long term in and as the believe that ‘nobody wants to be with me if I do that’.

So within me I had always an idea of equality and oneness and that this is needed and what I am looking for in partnership, however I found myself time after time unable to bring this in reality and also to even speak about it from the start in a stable and clear way, also out of fear that another would not step in or would not stay. And so I walked many situations with every time the same pain when it did not go as how I would like it to go.

Within the past 6-7 years walking the Desteni I Process, I have found what I was looking for in standing up within principles that are considering myself, another and life as a whole and even more, how to practically move myself into this stand. Before this, I was not aware of how many layers I have build up within me where in I am actually ‘preventing’ myself from living my utmost potential – layers that I have stored in and as my mind-consciousness system and then integrated within my physical body and so, I am living this out in my physical reality because it has become a part of me.

This al together – which sounds like common sense and like ‘hey, easy, let’s do this’; which is not because the layers have so much integrated within all that I have become and so it takes time and effort to walk through, in writing, in the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and then walking the correction in physical reality – this all together brought me to the realization that I do not need to let go of a relationship or to let go of the potential to walk together yet alone, but I need to let go of…………a relationship-character.

I probably have created this as my main character where in I have created the most consequences for myself and indirectly for others as well in this. The consequences for myself have been mainly emotional an then manifesting all the emotional patterns within my physical body and so affecting my physical body and organ-functioning.

At the moment of this realization, that I could come to in a conversation with Sylvie, the intens emotional pain decreased. This is also showing how supportive it can be to speak things through within integrity and especially if both are walking the process of self-realization more actively. This will be of support to understand self and each other and keep standing in finding solutions that are life-supporting on long-term. With this realization I enabled and supported myself to pick myself up and move on. I now mainly need to focus in keeping myself together, focussing on my breathing, moving myself physically and not going again and again in this emotional state in moments that I feel the emotions lingering within me – which is many times a day. Every time realizing like ‘okay I am not loosing anything but a character that is not needed or beneficial for me anymore’. Because it is so easy to fall back or keep falling in believing the emotions and feelings to be real and then following up on them. Strange enough it makes me nervous and it feels like ‘I am doing something that I am not allowed to do’- like stepping out of a ‘code’ or something.

This is actually what I / we are doing in the Desteni I Process – getting to know myself in the characters that I have created and then layer by layer, peeling off the ‘false energetic identities’ that I have taken on through my life for a reason, to enable myself to bring myswelf through in a substantial way, into self-expression. I have hidden within this ‘identities’ and so made myselfkind of ‘stuck and imprisoned’ within this by my own acceptances and allowances and to ‘come to myself’ again, I need / needed to forgive and correct all these layers as identities.

I must say that only by now when writing this out, I start to understand what ‘characters’ are and how the layers in and as my mind, are build up from identities that I have taken on and integrated within/as myself. Because I have become this one main-character, it is not so easy to see what I have build up around and as myself, because I have become it. However this did not stop me from starting my Desteni I Process seven years ago and along the way, I start to see and understand more and more. I have learned through my life the importance to start with what I do see and understand and then walk from here into a deeper awareness that is infinite in a way, because I am expanding in it.

So a ‘not (yet) understanding of everything’ can not be an excuse to not start with what we do understand in that moment.

A walk into understanding to be continued.

Thanks for reading and walking with!


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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 761 – Opening up the word ‘waiting’

From what I have understood from a horoscope that has been made of my birthdate years ago and what I have kept with me, is that there is a theme within the familyline, within my grandparents marriage, that played a role with them and that plays a role within me as well. This is about the balance between voicing myself within a partnershap – where I tend to do this too little – and voicing myself in a work environment, where I tend to ‘speak up’ too strongly.

It is not so that I take a horoscope as an absolute guideline, but what I find interesting in it is that a theme like this, can be used as a point that needs my attention and understanding to resolve within and as myself.

Related to this, I remember my grandmother mentioning more than once the words ‘well, then we keep on waiting again’ (‘dan gaan we maar weer wachten’ <Dutch>) where this was related to something in her marriage where she more or less needed to wait untill her husband gave ‘green sign’ for something so to speak.

This brings me to the point of how I am living the word waiting within a relationship. I do not like to ‘wait’ with bringing up something, I actually want to immediately speak about an issue that gives some friction and I experience a lot of impatience within me when a partner is not willing or ready to open up on something. This is mainly because I then have already resolved the point within myself and then ‘I am ready’ to speak about it. Where I also remember that in the year before my start of walking the Desteni I Process, I was many times not ready to open up and let go of some beliefs and related feelings or unresolved emotions. It basicely ‘hurted’ too much to speak about it with common sense and I needed time to firstly embrace and process the related experiences. So what I see already is that, when and as I am in an experience, I am not so much willing to open up either.

It is more that an experience of fear that is coming up when I do not have the information of what is going on within another close to me and what the consequences are of this. Basicely I fear to ‘loose the relationship’, where my impatience is then based on a point of self-interest and so I am not really standing in understanding and support for another unconditionally; something that I am very well able to if the other is not so much ‘close’ related to me and my daily life.

Let’s start with self-forgiveness on experiences coming up here within me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like dying and feeling this physically at the height of both the upper corners of my large intestine and feeling like it is too much, like I cannot handle this or accept this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up completely in this experience of it ‘being too much’ where in I then conclude that I have given up on myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on cycling in drama of the experience or idea of giving up on myself completely, as if I can never fix this again or as if I can never forgive myself in this because I actually do not exactly see how I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself a victim of the experience or idea of giving up on myself, where in I do not see where this starts as why I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep searching for the reason of giving up on myself and the experience of dying, instead of voicing myself out of it and moving myself foreward to what I see that is best to do, no matter how I feel or where I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my emotions as a reason or excuse to not move myself forward, where in I am locking myself in, in an experience of despair of not getting out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel through and through victimized in this point of ‘waiting’ within and as myself.

What I see here is that I have strengthened a main-system within myself through spiraling down in emotions where in I lock myself in, within secrecy actually, as a hidden and locked system within and as myself where there seems no way out.

What I also realize is that being open and vulnerable is a solution to work with and something that can be practised in a partnership, but actually in any relationship or situation that I am in – according to what the situation and/or relationship allows in that moment as I cannot now blund jump in and ‘be open and vulnerable’ where ever I am. This needs to be approached within alignment and common sense. However, Life is open and vulnerable and living these words can be of support to move myself out of the comfortzone of ‘how I feel’ or out of a general experience of ‘waiting’ for a ‘confirmation’ before I move myself or voice myself. I see it is more a decision of moving myself into the direction that I see required and from a point of self-trust to do so, as the only way actually to establish the self-trust as well.

To be continued.

Here are some blogs to be found that describe the encryption if systems from Creation’s Journey to Life and a paragraph out of it that we are actually walking now in real time in this physical existence:

(…)

So, back to the Encryption point: so as we take down these Encryptions and we have already taken down virtually all of the Encryptions of the Interdimensions, of Multi-Universes of…you cannot even begin to Comprehend, from a Human perspective, what has actually existed. 
So, for some years now we are busy with the Physical Encryption. A little bit more difficult, because – you have to take down the Complete Program, Decode the Encryption; and – these Programs are Programmed to Activate similarly, to say, the Seed of a Plant. The Seed of a Plant requires a certain amount of Rain, a certain amount of Heat, a certain type of Environment before it Activates and it Grows. 
The System is Designed like a Plant. It requires a Very Specific Environment before it Activate. So, before we can Find the System, because it’s hidden into uncountable Dimensions – we have to first Create the Environment within which the System Activates. And when the System Activates – we can find the bloody thing. When we find the bloody thing, then we can deal with it, Decrypt it, take it out. And then – we have to take it out in the Physical, because it is a Physical System that is Creating Control within the Physical. And as you’ve Noticed, that stuff is like Really Effective. 

Taking out a System in the Physical, is like walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. It is absolutely Hell, because – the Physical Body Believe itself to be the System. So, you have to get it to See, and Realize that it is Not and that it can be something else, because it’s Complete Image and Likeness, it is the Physical. And then, you have to take it out – and its got to then Willingly Release the System and itself from the Ideas and the Ideologies that the System Represents…and only then, can the System be Removed. 

How long will this take us? We don’t know. We are working as fast as possible, as fast as the Physical can Recuperate. Because, after every event – the Physical needs to Repair itself. 

So, this is very fascinating stuff – we are Moving and Removing this. And eventually, it will Assist in allowing the Human to See what they have allowed. So slowly but surely, like pulling hens teeth, we are Moving, little step at a time, baby steps at a time, Forward. 

From: Creation’s Journey to Life: 301: The Encryption of Systems (Part Two)


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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!


Proces van zelfverandering:
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De Kronieken van Jezus

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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 735 – 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

This blog is related to record 17: A relationship ending

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to …

I do not really find a point moving within me while listening to this recording nr 17 – which is cool as then I have this dimension walked through, I also hear this in my voice and how I speak about it. However I can expand some on the subject and on ‘the ending of a relationship’ in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of ending relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it sad how relationships are ending and then an interaction is often stopping and coming to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties with the word ‘ending’ and actually, want to keep relationships continuing and ‘never ending’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make a ‘never ending story’ out of a relationship where it more sounds like walking in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that he ‘should have taken time to sit down and communicate’, where in I do see that I ‘find something’ of a point in this recording, although I do not experience a reaction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as a non valid reason to end a relationship and to ‘expect more’, that he found it too much of an effort and too uncomfortable to sit down and talk once a week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now experience myself how uncomfortable and ‘unknown’ it is to really communicate with a partner and bring forward my selfwill and what I stand for, so much that I myself tend to step back and give up and to use reactions of another as a reason to not push through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a concept in this in my mind, that I can use as a guideline of how to support the communication with a partner, where I do not find any of such as the concepts that I have in/as experience, in/as my mind, do not work at all in a current situation and here I see that in the past with this partner that I speak about in the record, I was placing the communication in a concept that worked for me but not for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I worked with a concept that was supportive for me but not for him, and so I felt comfortable in it but he not and so, I did have a form of control in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to concepts that I know in/as my mind and so that I feel comfortable in, to use as a way to communicate without seeing, realizing and understanding that this concept works for me but not for the other and so by pushing my concept, I keep the control which activates probably an unpleasant and some sort of diminishing experience in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in place within a concept of communication without really seeing what kind of effect this has on another, because I am convinced that ‘my concept works’, without considering that ‘it works for me’ and how I have myself build up in/as my mind-programming, which is different than how another has build himself or herself up in/as his/her mind-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am still working with concepts as a way to try to keep the experience of control alive within/as myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I will not birth myself in sound in self-expression, because here will be no concept as control anymore, but more a walking breath by breath, moment by moment that I do not have ‘a concept for in my mind’, but that I will learn by doing so while walking within the guidelines of standing within principle and considering all as myself as life and considering where we are all situated in this process.

When and as I see myself trying to communicate in a way that another is not responding well to, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am pushing my concept of communicating that is comfortable for me but perhaps not for another, and although it may contain principles that are best for all, this doesnot mean that it is directly the best way to communicate.

I commit myself to push myself to try and find ways to communicate that are working for myself as well as for another.

When and as I see myself wanting to give up because a communication is not going smoothly, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not have any reference of how to do this, other than walking it in real time and finding ways by applying the principles of what is best for all, within my communication and finding words that will support me in this and from here, can be of support for another and I realize that I will make mistakes in this as a trial and error process, not as ‘I can make mistakes no matter what’ but more as a realistic approach of walking into new area’s.

I commit myself to be gentle and patient with myself in this and I do not allow myself to give up, but rather breathe, step back and take time to find out what I need to align within myself, what experiences are coming up that I need to define, forgive and replace with a supportive word to live and while doing so, slowly slowly create a new approach for myself that is flexible, supportive and alligned within the principles of equality and oneness and that I can use and stand in as self-expression within consideration of myself or another as life.

When and as I see that I compromise or have compromised myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we are all grown up in compromising situations from the very beginning and so, the compromising words, patterns and behaviours will come up to take responsibility for.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the compromising words, patterns and behaviours that I see coming forward in myself and my life within the application of self-forgiveness and to be aware to not create more energy around this than necessary to walk through, meaning, to not make it ‘more bad because I have compromised myself or another’ but to see it practical and realistic as consequenses that need to become visible and walked through.

When and as I see myself ‘expecting more’ within a communication, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from my onw concept towards another and then expect another to understand my concept.

I commit myself to look into the word ‘expectation’ within communication, for/within myself and how to communicate with another without expecting it to be understand or taken on as how I understand and take it on.

A process to be continued…

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Previous blog: 16. Shame and compromising

Next blog: 18. Using emotional manipulation


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Uil forgive

Dag 731 – Self-honesty, self and relationships

self-honesty

Continuing on previous blog.

For more than 6 years now, I am actively walking a process where in it is a core-point for me to transcent the ‘dependency’ within partnership. Through my life, I have had several partners and a pattern existing within this of starting and stopping. I could not find a way to keep my individuality and at the same time, be/become intimate in my sharing with another. I was not able to stand alone within partnership.

Now, what then does this mean? To stand alone? I learned how to stand alone when being/living alone, without a partner but then within this there is a tendency to search for a partner and when there is a partner, I often lived in a fear of loss or, the partner was existing in this pattern. All because, so I found out, the starting-point was not clearly cross-referenced within both: no discussions about what both want and/or are able to within a partnership and how to create this and how to give and how to support and what means love etc. So the starting-point was basicely still based on preferences and convenience, without really being self-honest to myself and to another about who I am and what I stand for.

This coming forward out of a ‘fear of loss’, as well when the relationship started but also on forehand, like not believing that any man that I like and who likes me and within the practical possibilities, would be willing to live with me and at the same time taking responsibility for oneself. So it is like a compromising on forehand, like, okay better live with someone halfway than living alone all my life (where this ‘all my life’ is what is showing this disbelief and fear ‘that I will never find a partner who is willing to stand with me when and as I am standing within a starting-point of self-honesty’).

But, here under, is hiding my own convenience. Of not willing, mixed with a ‘not knowing how’ to support another and push the principles where in another is given the opportunity to live accordingly to principles that are best for both (and from here, best for all) and expand as well. Not knowing how because I have never done this before or never had an example and so, it is all new to learn and develop. But what I actually mostly see is a convenience within myself about not willing to change and do the hard and dirty work, of step by step walking through all the shit that is coming up and directing myself and the situation in this. And here in I see, I am existing in judgement.

From not standing within and as my self-honesty of what I am accepting and allowing within myself and from here, tolerating within a relationship, I am existing in judgement, which leads to a fear of loss. Because I placed this partnership in the place of my self-honesty and from here, the separation from and within myself is existing and so I make myself dependent on the partner and on the partnership and on the physical intimicy. Within this I am existing in judgement all the time, I am hiding, I keep distance and push the other away (in fear as judgement) as a reflection of how I am in disagreement with and as myself and fear/judge myself for this, as long as I am not self-honestly facing this.

For 6-7 years I am looking at the theory of what it means to stand alone and live in/as self, as in not ‘missing another’ (as a reflection of missing myself)  where in I now see that the word ‘self-honesty’ is giving so much more clarity in this, as this is what I can define for myself. This is an active process that I have walked and am still walking and this is what I recently found within myself (hidden deep within myself) where in I kept my ‘preference’ at first place and secondly I tried to align my self-honesty with this, where I had to turn this around and place my self-honesty first and foremost and from here, look at how to align my preferences to this, if and when possible in a practical and considering way. Thus this means that I have to make peace with the possibility (or call it ‘risk’) that I have to let go of some of my preferences if I find that I am not able to live with it, practical, physical and according to my integrity.

This is an example of how we trade places in and as the mind and how we place our preferences above our self-honesty and from here, we make ourselves dependent on these preferences that we need to fulfill with something or someone outside ourselves. It can be anything: money, sex, love, food, drugs, alcohol, gaming, traveling, shopping, sleeping, watching tv and all variations within this.

We know in theory that we do this, we all know it somehow, however really seeing it within ourselves and understanding how we have exactly created this, is a whole other story, even from the point where we make the decision to change this within ourselves. For this, we need to walk what we call ‘a process’ through time.

It is possible that we have integrated this self-dishonesty in our physical body; in this case walking out of it, means to walk a physical process, through physical manifested consequences within our own body, as for example in my case, the consequence of a spastic colon.

To be continued


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 724 – 12. Learning what consequence is

 

This blog is related to record 12: Learning what consequence is

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already had in mind somehow to do it all alone without firstly align and ground myself within a relationship where in we could both stand the test of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of already had in mind somewhere to do it all alone, this ‘plan of action’ was activated by some words of the male and so me using this words as some kind of ‘proof’ that this is what I have to do and can do, that this is somehow ‘okay’ to do, without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is actually me within my mind, manipulating words (of doubt) from another, towards using this for my self-interest within this ‘plan of action’ that I had hidden as a secret within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my responsibility in a way, on the other by using his words as a reason and justification, as some sort of ‘sign’ that I now can start my ‘secret plan of action’ without considering the whole situation that I and the male are involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck within myself within conflict because of taking action from a point of self-interest in a situation that was not grounded at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to an outcome as doing it all alone bacause not having a program ready of how to effectively build a relationship as how is best for both/best for all and from here, somehow thinking and believing that I will never able to do so and at the same time, knowing that it should be possible and that it is within my potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now only see and learn what consequenses are for myself within relationships and how they end, however it took me many more years to really consider all and every aspect including the effect of my decisions on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from here on think and believe that ‘I am responsible for myself and another is responsible for him/herself’ and so within this, not considering to take responsibility as well for others involved as much as it is within my awareness and when and as another is not yet be able to do so because of having les awareness in that moment, it is up to me to step in and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘it was his responsibility to step in with me’ which it is in the end, however missing out here on the consequense of my words and actions for another as well and not only for me.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of stepping forward and express what I see as consequence and responsibility within another’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that it is also my responsibility to speak up, to step forward and support another to learn what consequence is, this within my ability and awareness in that certain moment.

I commit myself to bring my fear back to myself, to see and forgive what the fear as judgement is and from here, see how I can best step forward and speak or show some awareness in a way that another is able to understand.

When and as I see myself participating in a thought-pattern, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I create consequenses for myself within my physical body that are not needed or doing any good.

I commit myself to step by step, walk and forgive the layering of fear within me, to write it out, to name, understand and forgive myself until I am able to stand more clear and stable within myself with regards to relationships and patterns of fear of loss and standing alone.

When and as I see myself not knowing how to move forward within a certain point within a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not have an effective program ready and so, I need to create a real and lasting solution from here on from within myself, which feel like ‘impossible’ because I have never done it before.

I commit myself to move myself into the unknown field, to step by step create a solution by using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, cross-referencing with others/support from others and considering the aspects that I can see within myself and so slowly, build the ground and stability within myself, within my life and within the relationship with another and with others in general.

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Previous blog: 11. Not wanting to repeat a pattern

Next blog: 13. Trying to make it up

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Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive