Continuing with self-forgiveness on Dag 808 – Zero point
For who is not familiair with the application of self-forgiveness: the self-forgiveness may sound ‘heavy’ and dark and what more, however with putting all the heavy, dark secret / hidden patterns in self-forgiveness I am actually deleting the heavyness and secretness and so, creating space to something new and aligned to life. So this ‘heavyness’ is not ‘who I am’ but actually, in this way I am making space to birth myself into life . Breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disappointed about the endings, the non-continuations, the start-overs with regards to partner relationships, where in friendships I am very stable and consistent and hardly anxious about an ending, as I do not see this ‘ending’ and when they do, it does not so much trigger emotional experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties to find what to bring in self-forgiveness here and rather give in the urge to take some rest and lay down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to actively create an opportunity for a sharing-ship and rather ‘let it happen’ when it is here and otherwise let it be, when what is remarkable, that when I for example want to expand in my job-area, I do actively plan courses, lessons, input etc – hmmm what I see now is that here I also not do this and so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to actively open myself up and make myself visible to the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to stand for what I would like to create and stick my head out of the corn field.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if it is needed to actively make myself visible or that I can just make myself ready on an inner level and when an opportunity may open up, I then am able to respond and investigate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a self-sabotaging pattern as an excuse to not actively make myself visible and keep myself in the passively position of inner preparation, which in itself is not a bad thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only bring in what is absolutely needed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate, to withdraw myself from life in a certain area and within doing so, amputating myself from life as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate myself from life (and) to not feel anything anymore for real.
Opening up another dimension a few days later:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like breaking into 1000 pieces by facing the one thing that I had not implied and that determined my past relationship and basicely all past relationships, as in that I go into ‘managing’ the relationship in which I make it invisible in what another is bringing in, in what I really want as potential to create and what is realistic and possible within it all as a sharing-ship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this one point serious and use it as a point of control, to not face essential moments of letting go and experiences of loss and so, blow it up and out of perspective, which makes it bigger and bigger and more and more difficult to let go, because already so much ‘energy’ is invested and physical labour as well and connections on all levels are made (mind-being-body) which makes it emotional much more challenging and painful to face the missing piece / point and let go eventually.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to create a huge experience of loss for myself in order to face this way of control within me that already from the beginning, sabotages a (potential) relationship.
Two weeks of time has been passed between these two blogs; where in I along the way, let it become ready within myself to open up and bring about a point that I find essential for myself to integrate and actively letting go as a point of control. Actively meaning that I need to be and become aware of myself going into this control and then actively change myself in the moment, as it will not ‘change by itself’ after the realization of it only.
I did read many modern relationship advises and advertisements of courses about relationships, as in for example ‘being a modern siren’ and what this entails. This brought me to finding – or more finally admitting – the mistake within myself with regards to my approach of a (potential) relationship / sharing ship. To not make all these modern advertisements and courses an absolute truth and spend a lot of money on it – as I already am walking the Desteni I Process for my process of self-realization and birthing myself as life from the physical and honestly I do not see a more complete approach of everything that is here than what Desteni is providing and including all dimensions – but to integrate that what is pointed out in life of today, that calls my attention, so to use what is here within my own process as what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something is not totally aligned within me and my approach, yet time after time, ignoring it in a way and calling it ‘innosence’ as if it can not do any harm, as if it’s too small, as if it’s okay and many other justifications within myself, where in the end, the seemingly small becomes extremely big and controling myself and my life as a whole if I do not step in and stop myself actively and changing direction; stepping into self-direction.
As how Bernard used to say ‘let someone go after their bliss’ and eventually it will blow up in our face as it did within myself.
I also see clearly how I / we cannot force another to see or admit something inside self, as I do not see how much a point is integrated and as I experience within myself, is that I needed a year to unravel this before I could clearly see and admit a mistake as a point of control (and the whole process took 7-9 years of actively walking to where I am now). As it is so integrated within my physical body that it needs time to des-integrate, otherwise I would physically collapse. And so this works for everyone in this way.
Then, a few days later again, what I see within myself is that when eventually, the ‘big’ is walked through and brought back to the one small point, it is actually a point and not more or less, to investigate, self-forgive and correct myself in. Where it looks like ‘what was all the fuzz about’; why is it so difficult to let something go that I really wanted and preferred to be different than what it is? Where this is easy to way when looking back and also easy to say from a point of knowledge. However walking through all dimensions, it takes time. Because it feels like ‘dying’ which actually is happening (and needs to happen) on a mind-level and because I made this my reality, a lot of fear is included. And we know what the biggest control is: fear.
And, the ‘fuzz’ is about how I separated myself from a point in and as myself that in essence, I did not effectively bring into self-expression and so it did start leading ‘a life of it’s own’.
To be continued
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: