Dag 806 – The experience of disappointment

One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.

A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:

Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.

I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressed within my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.

With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.

With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.

With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.

I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.

To be continued.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive
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Dag 778 – Am I originally / inherently good or do ‘I within’ need self-direction as well?

In a blog-serie last year I have written a lot about my walk through the years of fertility and what I have faced and found during this period. I have also described how I have diminished myself in a decision where in I did not give myself the time to consider all dimensions within myself and so not without as well, which has lead to consequences. Not persé that the decision in itself was ‘a bad decision’ but more the not considering was what I see that I have hurted myself with (and others as an outflow of this).

I am now walking through a phase where in I for the first time, start pushing through my ‘natural’ protection-mechanism as a ‘barriére’ so to speak. And I am quite surprised to see how strong the self-sabotage is coming up in this. Self-sabotage meaning, in several moments coming up a strong idea that I ‘need to get out of this’ and go back to my well-known confortable area in and as myself and so, in and as my life. Also here to say that this is not ‘bad’ or something and it served me very well to keep myself stable and strengthening myself in my tasks and responsibilities, but more that I see that there is an unknown area waiting from which I do not know the outcome and so actually, from which I do need to let go of the control of ‘already knowing where to go’ more or less and walking day by day and creating along the way with the opportunities opening up in this time-frame.

And this is exactly what I have been avoiding, for example in the example of decision making in the years of fertility, where in the new area felt so completely unsafe and me not yet having the skills and (self)-support to walk into it and so, I backed of, I pulled back. It very well possible, may have been the right decision in that moment, in which I have prevented myself and others, for a real ‘loosing of control’ or direction so to speak – I will never know,  but more based on what I see how much I lack in and as self-direction in this specific area of relationships and fertility and only by now, starting to opening up to be able to start to apply myself more directed.

I would like to give this as an example and these series that I have written and spoken as well, of how strong a self-limitation can come up and how realistic it may present itself, with all kind of reasonings that may be valid or not and even if the reasonings are ‘catched’ and made invalid within myself, still I surprisingly find ‘myself as a reason’ to not move forward and beyond the old, to stay in my well-known area of who I have been all these years before and probably many life-times before. So ‘the me within’ is not already shaped and done and developped as my utmost potential so as in so many spiritual trends is stated, as if inside we are already ‘good’. I find now that this is not the case; also ‘the me within’ is very much influenced and programmed and protective based.

What does very well support me in this is looking at the practical situation, the stability and possibilities and the effect of my decisions on others as well and with what decision I can stand in eternity, no matter what the final outcome is. So basicely, to keep standing within principle and integrity, is what is of support for myself to not go off track and to keep standing and moving and following up on what I have initiated and walked so far. Also when doubts, hesitations, reasons, preferences, emotions and even physical manifestations are coming up, then I have my point of cross-reference in/as myself: with what can I stand in eternity for and as myself in what is here in this moment and situation? Not as an absolute outcome for allways but as what is best right now and from here, walking from moment to moment and in consideration of how the mind can or may present itself (and so I within and as, because it is me in the end who decides) almost turned around, as a turned around projection of what is best; as a negative of a picture that needs to be developped with chemicals.

Considering all aspects that I see involved, within and without,putting a guard for my mouth to not speak in a way that create unneccessary consequences and to first seeing what is needed to forgive and correct within myself and what is real and practical and physical possible and from here, carefully moving forward into the direction that is physically opening up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow think and believe that if my intentions are good, that I am then ‘good’ as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that good intentions alone can give the opposite outcome in physical reality if and when I do not fully understand the functioning and programming of myself in/and/as my mind and within and as my beingness as well and how this is then actually me creating or participating in an evil outcome in and as this physical reality and if and when I am not willing to really look at this, I disable myself to forgive and correct my inherent evil nature that I am hiding within and behind good intentions.

I commit myself to discover, forgive and correct my good intentions and the ‘evil’ that is hiding behind it, in and as myself as the opposite of ‘life’ (as for example in self-interest, judgements and fears) and I commit myself in this way to enable myself to consider the physical, practical circumstances as well as the principles and integrity of Life itself as for example ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, as a guideline to create an outcome that is aligned with my potential to be and become a considering and trustable, living human being.

Bernard gave me the subject of ‘Paranoia in and as the intention of the New Age Movement‘ to write some blogs about in 2012 and I took this on (written in Dutch), however only by now, I start seeing it within myself and how I was/am holding on onto good intentions (and/as paranoia) within and as myself and keeping a backdoor open within this. During those time, he has assisted me with a few points that I am still walking and that I will write about more in time to come, as it is fascinating to see how his support (representing Life itself) stretches out over years and this to fully grasp what he was pointing out, to take on and walk through the programming within and as myself.

So far for now; thanks for reading.


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 738 – 19. Playing Russian roulette

This blog is related to record 19: Playing Russian roulette

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play Russian Roulette and in this way, ‘let Nature decide’ instead of making a grounded decision after considering all dimensions within and without myself that are involved in the act of having intercourse while having a biological clock ticking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to walk a ‘Russian roulette’ as physical consequenses to be able to stand up and forgive/correct myself from a situation in the past that I had not walked within self-awareness, instead of having the tools and being able to forgive myself within writing and speaking and so, preventimng myself from walking consequenses in and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the creation of physical consequences and wanting myself as how I see I could be and walk within my potential, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind-programming has been physically manifested and integrated within and as myself and within and as this physical existence and so, it takes a physical process to walk through and eventually stand up in and as myself, while walking through the consequences, to come to a point of self-responsibility, within and as self-awareness and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not yet being able to live as how I imagine I could within my utmost potential, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I look from a mind-perspective to myself as ‘how I could be’, instead of seeing how I am within the reality of this moment and from here, support myself to take responsibility for myself in those area’s and dimensions that I see that need alignment to a more considering approach of myself (and/as others) as life as a whole.

When and as I see myself tending to ‘let Nature decide’ as not taking direction of a situation to make a decision in, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am allowing myself to let myself being influenced by a desire that I have not yet investigated within and as myself and so, that I have not yet taken responsibility for.

I commit myself to find out what desire makes that I tend to let something or someone outside myself decide what will happen within myself or my life, in area’s that I actually do have a say in and from here, forgive myself the related emotion or feeling within the desire, to take of the load so to speak and from here, take responsibility by taking the time to consider all dimensions within and as myself that I am having access to in that moment, before making life-changing steps or decisions.

When and as I see myself fearing and/or judging physical consequences, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear I experience consist of a judgement, as giving more or less value to something, more or less than seeing and understanding it for what it is.

I commit myself to embrace physical consequences when and as they are here and to use them to align myself to the living of my potential in consideration of myself and others, connected in and as life, within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and while doing this, standing up and learning to direct – myself as well as the situation that I am involved in – to an outcome that is best for all and within the capacity of my own body, being and mind.

I commit myself to while doing so and ‘walking back’, meaning walking through my own mind-creations, to take responsibility for what I have created and within this, ensure to support myself and/as others as well, to eventually prevent creating unneccessary consequences again.

When and as I see myself judging myself (or/as another) for not yet living my that what I see that I am capable of as my utmost potential, to stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from a mind-perspective to myself (and/or others) and from here, create an idea of how I could be, instead of seeing who I am in the reality of the moment.

I commit myself to be and become self-honest with who I am in the reality of the moment and from here, take responsibility for the flaws through the application of self-forgiveness and then correct myself as aligning myself to a more considering approach of life as a whole.

Bernard Poolman:

“Engage the problem to understand the problem. Place yourself in all positions to gain a multi dimensional understanding. Observe where you have an interest you want to protect and why you want to protect it and justify your position. For instance – with money – place yourself with little money having to buy food and educate your children, then increase the money and see how your choices change –and then have a lot and see how you change – and then have equal money –enough for all and see why it is you are unable to give to others, yet you want for yourself – why this need to be better exist when it is not based in reality, but rather in an obsession to judge others, in an obsessive idea of inequality that makes you fear others will abuse you if there is equality – then find it in you to correct yourself to transcend the fears that you use to justify inequality –remembering the various conditions you have experienced through your imagination –now you have learned an effective way to use imagination—to understand how others live, without you having to go through it directly –make this experience valuable by changing that within you that cause others to suffer and then you will experience enlightenment and the world will become a better place when you make sure your experience that you integrate of a world where all have enough, becomes the world system in education, economics, education, politics, healthcare –we all have the capacity to teach ourselves –once we have removed our own justifications and fear of others as equals”

Previous blog: 18. Using emotional manipulation

Next blog: 20. Searching for the life within me


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 704 – Het stoppen van de afgescheidenheid als buitenstaander

Samenwerken

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me af te scheiden van mezelf door een gedachte te vormen als interpretatie als oordeel van wat ik waarneem en deze gedachte vervolgens te geloven en leven en zo, realiteit te maken en dus feitelijk, mezelf te bewegen binnen mijn eigen waarnemen als afgescheiden realiteit; afgescheiden van de fysieke werkelijkheid, van wat fysiek en werkelijk is.

Uit: Dag 703 – De buitenstaander en het opstapelen van zelfoordelen

In bovenstaand blog heb ik verantwoordelijkheid genomen in en als de toepassing van zelfvergeving, voor de afgescheidenheid die ik gecreërd heb binnenin mezelf, in een paar van mijn eigen gedachten die opkomen als (geprojecteerde) zelfoordelen ten aanzien van een ervaring van mijzelf als buitenstaander. Hier volgen wat realisaties en zelfcorrigerende uitspraken als leidraad om mezelf in het vervolg, meer richting te gaan geven binnen een gesprek of bijvoorbeeld een groepsgesprek zodra deze ervaring opkomt en om de ervaring van buitenstaander te stoppen, binnenin mijzelf.

Als en wanneer ik mezelf een gedachte zie vormen over wat ik waarneem in bijvoorbeeld een groepsgesprek over de uitdrukking van een ander en vervolgens over het al dan niet uitdrukken van mezelf, dan stop ik, ik adem.

Ik realiseer me dat het een gedachte betreft waarin ik een oordeel, een interpretatie vorm in mijn geest en als ik deze ga geloven, creëren ik ervaringen in mezelf waarin ik mezelf ofwel beter, ofwel slechter ga ‘voelen’, dit in vergelijking tot wat ik waarneem in een ander en tevens realiseer ik me dat hierin constant bezig ben met vergelijkingen van mijzelf met anderen en van wat ‘beter’ of ‘slechter’ zou zijn etc, in plaats van gelijk te staan aan mijn ervaringen die opkomen in relatie tot wat ik waarneem. Ik realiseer me dat, zodra ik gelijk ga staan hierin en mezelf vergeef voor deze specifieke afgescheidenheid, de ‘vergelijkingen’ in feite wegvallen, ze zijn er niet meer en ik hoef me niet langer in relatie te plaatsen tot wat ik waarneem buiten mij, aangezien ik ‘samenkom’ met en als mezelf in dat moment.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om niet langer deel te nemen in gedachten als oordelen die opkomen tijdens een groepgesprek en in plaats hiervan, de gedachten voorbij te zien komen terwijl ik hier aanwezig blijf in mijn ademhaling en ik stel mezelf ten doel om, zodra ik een beweging waarneem in mezelf in relatie tot deze gedachte, als emotionele of gevoelsreactie, te benoemen voor mezelf wat ik ervaar en mezelf hierin te vergeven, omarmen en van hieruit stel ik mezelf ten doel om vanuit deze omarming en stilte, mezelf richting te geven in hetgeen ik zou willen uitdrukken en indien me dit nog niet lukt, mezelf te ondersteunen in het vinden en oefenen van woorden waarin ik mezelf kan uitdrukken in en als mijzelf aanwezig is.

Als en wanneer ik mezelf onhandig ervaar binnen een gesprek met een ander of meerder anderen, dan stop ik, ik adem.

Ik realiseer me dat ik deelneem in een ervaring die voortkomt uit één of meerdere gedachte(n) en dat ik deze gedachte (als interpretatie, gevormd vanuit mijn eigen waardeoordelen) al gevolgd en geloofd heb alsof het een waarheid is, zonder me werkelijk gewaar te zijn van de gedachte die ik gevormd heb in en als mijn geest.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel te zien welke gedachte ik aan het volgen ben en wat voor waarde ik hieraan gehecht heb waarin ik me realiseer dat ikzelf ‘verdwenen’ ben in deze waarde, in deze energetisch gekoppelde ervaring, positief of negatief, om mezelf meer of minder te maken in een poging om mezelf beter te voelen en vervolgens mezelf slechter te voelen als tegenreactie en hierin stel ik mezelf ten doel om mezelf te omarmen in wie ik ben (geworden) in dat moment en mezelf te vergeven voor de vermeerdering of vermindering van mezelf, specifiek benoemd in wat ik ervaar als gevoel of emotie.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel te ademen naar de emotie of het gevoel in mijn fysiek en hier niet langer weg van te lopen, maar bij me nemen als een onderdeel van mezelf en hier verantwoordelijkheid voor te nemen en het niet langer te laten bestaan als oncontroleerbaar, afgescheiden deeltje dat ik projecteer buiten mezelf.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om mezelf te ondersteunen door te focussen op mijn ademhaling en me te herinneren om mezelf richting te geven (en niet ‘zomaar’ te verdwijnen in gedachten en ervaringen die opkomen), dit op het moment dat er een ongemakkelijke ervaring opkomt binnen een gesprek met een ander/anderen en ook ‘preventief’ als ik een gesprek begin en ik stel mezelf ten doel om te onderzoeken met welke woorden ik mezelf richting wil/kan geven en deze woorden te herdefiniëren voor mezelf als leidraad.

longen

 Personagevorming en Radicale Ademhaling:

(…) “Deze film die jij hebt gecreëerd, dit ding dat je namen hebt gegeven, deze woorden die het levende woord van jouw werkelijkheid zijn geworden waarin jij een personage speelt. Karakter door personage is fysiek zijn, echt, eerlijk, participerend in elk moment, adem voor adem, in de echte werkelijkheid – dat wat een illusie is geworden veranderend in werkelijkheid: dat wat een illusie is geworden is tijdelijk en vraagt je volledige energetische aandacht, terwijl dat wat echt hier is hoe dan ook beweegt en dan vorm je lagen van personages, als kaste systemen, als zij die hebben en zij die niet hebben – niets van dit kan voortduren, omdat het een illusie is en het zal eindigen en jij zal door de pijn gaan wanneer dit wordt weggenomen en het is alleen een geloof dat je zal verliezen, het is alleen jouw vertrouwen dat je zal verliezen, maar dat zal erg pijnlijk zijn omdat je het gemaakt hebt alsof het echt is, alsof het echt jou is – terwijl jij het niet bent.”

“De echte jij heeft zelfs nog nooit en te nimmer gesproken – want vanaf je allereerste ademhaling,  werd je de zonden van de voorvaderen van zeven generaties terug ingeduwd en een personage, een persoonlijkheid was gevormd.” (…) – Bernard Poolman


Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive