One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.
A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:
Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.
I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressed within my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.
With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.
With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.
With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.
I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.
To be continued.
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: