Dag 808 – Zero point

Back to writing! It is a month ago since my last blog which is not as long as it seems. I really start missing this moment with myself in the writing of a blog and sharing it with you who is reading. I find it different and more effective in the sense of grounding the self-commitment, than the introspection writings throughout the day on paper. As in ‘two or more in my name’; there is a witness to the life-commitment. Within the blog-writing I am satisfied with and as myself to express myself in what I stand for and as. This all because of me being part of a group of ‘journey to life – walkers’ 🙂 (which we actually are all as humanity) however here specificly with the application of the writing-tools find in Desteni I Process Lite as a free online-course. For all who are considering and / or hesitating to start a blog as a 7 years journey to life after doing this course; I can really recommend to start the writing.

I will continue on the subject of disappointment as I am not yet finished with this emotion. I find it very deep ingrained within me on many levels but all related to a particular area.

When looking back at my path with regards to relationships, the overall experience is….such a disappointment. Not about who I have met and walked with, but more in relation to the results, the endings, the non-continuation and so many start-overs.

I feel like I am at zero point within it all. Like nothing did make any sense of what I have walked in it, as it all lead to a death end, while I so much did my best to make it work. I know by consciousness that it is not about ‘a relationship with another’ mainly but more about the relationship with myself. Did this improve? Yes the relationship with myself did improve for sure.

Then what makes this experience of disappointment so deeply ingrained; what makes me feel such a failure in this area? I mean I can describe it more beautiful and see the lessons in it etc etc, however how I mainly experience myself in it all is not so beautiful. And this does not make it easier to open myself up for a potential new relationship / agreement and put myself out there. It feels like this sorrow and disappointment is all over my face and visible within my eyes; like a droopy. It feels like I have walked this same route a trillion times and perhaps it is a preprogramming existing throughout all my lives.

However, I am here in this one life, having the basics within myself and my life (housing, income, health, education) in a stable place and having the luck to be in a position to accomplish this. So, I everytime come back to the point that I will will myself to at least give it my all to become more satisfied with myself in this area and who knows, creating a satisfying sharing-ship (I just made up this word) that suits myself and another and so that is best for ourselves as life as a whole.

I notice that I am not living my best potential and that I actually have missed, again and again, my best potential in this one point. So I more see this area as a motivation to push myself beyond the mind. Making the strength out of a weakness where in this area I almost every day doubt if I will ever be able to make something more of myself. I more and more see how challenging it is to move myself beyond the mind-programming and how convenient and ‘natural’ it feels to stay within the comfort of what I already know.

I have had several times a ‘meeting’ with the bees (yes the insects) that stands out to me. First time was a few weeks ago when a swarm bees were flying above my garden. It gave a loud buzzing and they keep hanging around for quite some time. I just had read before an article that some swarms were being let out or something like that – I am not even sure if it was in my living-area – and to just let them be(e) as they were replacing themselves. A little while later I shared this with a befriended couple and we looked up the information about ‘meaning of meeting bees’ in your life. The thing that was clearly mentioned is the work effort they put in every day. On my way home after this meeting again…the swarm was passing over above my head. Very remarkable as it was days or even weeks later after the first time having the swarm above my garden. I looked it up again at home in another book – same thing mainly came forward, as putting in the work and effort.

Today in the garden I sat next to flowers with bees busy close to me and even sat on my legs now and then. Now within this all – what also did go through me is thoughts like ‘oh my, what if they come down in the garden and the cats are still out there (first time with the swarm above the garden) or today thoughts like ‘hmmm will it stick me when sitting on my leg’? But mainly I enjoyed them being around. And here, while taking a break of this blog with a coffee in the garden, again surrounded by these bees, what again comes to my awareness is to look at and integrate the work and effort. Like a bee being diligent.

I had reflected on this ‘work and effort’ earlier this week and actually came to see that I did Not really put in the work and effort to really Create a sharing-ship with a male-partner (I do bring in myself more in friendships with females and also males; that is why I mention it specific as male-partner here). It somehow looks like I do a lot for it but when looking back, I every time step in from a point of convenience and from there trying to bring in what I find important, which then mainly fails on long term. I am not yet making this last step, this push of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’. And within this I create an experience of disappointment and difficulty.

When really looking at this point of work and effort, it is not difficult persé but more a constant and continues effort of self-expression that may feel unnatural. And I see this on many levels and area’s, that achieving something is not difficult persé, but more a matter of who is bringing in the time and effort to create that something that is seen as a possibility as best for life as a whole.

So yes, here I have failed to do this and this level of ‘failing’ (Dutch and English blog) is hidden inside myself; where it looks from a mind-perspective that I ‘tried everything’. I find it a very much veiled dimension of why things may ‘fail’ to take shape and sustain. The mind makes it look like ‘everything has been done already’ when actually nothing is accomplished in and as a sustainable and effective matter. Welcome to how the world is build up and exist today.

No surprise then that the bees are ‘threatened in their existence’. As the bees Do bring in this effort and they Do matter, however we as the human race tend to destroy it all from a starting-point of the mind, of superiority, of making money more important than Life.

Here the word Humbleness does make sense a lot. As something that we need to integrate as humans in and as ourselves and so in and as our way of living.

Back to myself – I can use the word humbleness to support myself to start from scratch in this zero-point. I need to admit that I have not yet developped the best approach with regards to finding and creating a sharing-ship with a male partner. What I find striking as well in Leila’s blog, how she describes how walking a change, does contain admitting that I had not yet done and walked what is best in this area and this may exist as a reason / resistance and standing in the way, of actually changing for real:

(…) ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’ (…)

Let’s go to the application of self-forgiveness to open up and make room for the practical application of change; as a start of this change within and without.

Self-forgiveness being walked in the next blog.

The Consciousness of the Bees


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Dag 802 – Depression and responsibility

I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.

What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.

During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.

Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.

This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.

This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.

Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.

2 days ago:

I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.

Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.

Second morning:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.

This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.

I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.

What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.

So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.

‘Strong’ to be redefined in time to come.


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 797 – #Self-forgiveness

Continuing on Dag 796 with some self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy and within this, build up layer after layer without seeing, realizing and understanding that I need to walk it back as well which may give emotional ‘mourning’ from disconnecting from what I have connected with in a starting-point of energy as self-dishonesty that is not best for myself / another / life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mourning as something painful that I should avoid, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that mourning is a part of a process from letting go of things that are changing, as how everything is changing all the time and nothing stays really the same ‘forever’, yet me standing in and as sound within a foundation of principles, considering all parts of myself in and as life, and so all parts of life, is something that will remain and connect within and as all life as a part that I can nurture and strengthen within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid feeling pain instead of being willing to feel pain, yet from a starting-point of self-expression where in the ‘pain of regret’ can become less and less, because I then no longer need to ‘regret’ from something that I did do or didn’t do in and as some form of energy / self-dishonesty and more and more, align myself within and as myself ‘sound-tuned’ by voicing substantial words and walking living actions, within the realization that by walking this I will learn and expand and discover and consider and from here, share parts of myself as a whole that I may not have considered before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by trying to avoid feeling pain, I actually create pain because of not embracing everything that is here (including all the painful manifestations) and so, creating circumstances to experience that what I have separated myself from, which I do experience as ‘pain’.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 788 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of neutrality

For context see Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try to keep and/or bring myself back to a state, an experience of neutrality as ‘everything will be alright’ within and as myself and everytime that some internal or external stimulus is triggering me, I am reacting within an experience of fear and so, keeping myself in a constant experience of fear, for being moved out this state of neutrality as ‘the me that I feel confortably in’ or, an experience of fear when I have moved out of this state because of reacting to an internal or external stimulus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually not in one moment, be relaxed in and as myself, in and as my physical body but constantly existing in an experience or almost state of fear or anxiety of ‘not being who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then use this as an enslavement to adrenaline, in and as my mind consciousness system, to continuously generate energy within me, by existing in and as an experience or state of fear or anxiety and from here, looking for acceptance as and experience of ‘love’ as the opposite of fear, when this experience is then only enlarging the experience of fear, because I can loose this experience as well, as long as it is not based in and as self-acceptance of who I am, who I have become and within the commitment of doing the best I can to move myself and the relationships I participate in, to an outcome that is best for myself and others in and as ‘life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite lost in this experience or state of fear and circling in and around it within and as myself, in a constant experience of ‘being in a hurry’ and ‘feeling not good enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of fear and so keeping myself inable to look at the fear and start seeing it for what it is, so that I can support myself to ground myself in and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change something, myself and the relationships internal and external, while I am still coming from this startingpoint as inner experience or state of fear (of loosing this neutral experience actually as that I feel confortably in) and so the outcome of my attempts, is still resonating fear, instead of direct seeing in common sense.

So here I realize that to be able change, I need to be willing to give up this experience of neutrality within and as me, otherwise I am only walking in cycles in and as fear – from fear to a moment of comfortability which still contains a fear in it as fear of loosing this comfortability again – and so, keeping myself prissoned in this experience or state.

I commit myself to, when and as an experience of fear is coming up, to not react in fear but to support myself in looking at the fear, by looking at the energy and seeing how it moves within my body, by recognizing it as ‘fear’ instead of reacting to it, where from here I can see if I can more specificely define how I really experience myself within and as this ‘fear’, if there are other emotions or even feelings related, as a start to ground myself within where and who I am in this moment.

I commit myself to stand by and with myself in this process, to make peace with the uncomfortability, the misalignments, the friction, the mistakes, the hesitations, resistances, dissatisfactions coming up within me, as a part of moving myself towards an alignment in who I am deep inside as a being and who I only can be in this physical reality, if I as this being am moving myself to come through within and as my physical body, by walking through all the discomforts and frictions that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself to exist, in and as this experience of neutrality that holds the fear ‘dormant’ and so myself within and to keep walking and moving, altough I may ‘not want it’ in many moments.

I commit myself to be gentle with myself in this process, as in gentle but firm, as in understanding yet moving through, step by step, breath by breath and to do take moments in between to relatively ‘relax’ as in doing things that I like.

To be continued

What is Process? – Back to Basics


Proces van zelfverandering:
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De Kronieken van Jezus

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 768 – How to walk through fear when I am still existing in fear?

quote fear

I am reading in the book ‘The History of Desteni‘ and I am at the beginning part where Bernard and others were working with the demon dimension and bringing in the demons and supporting them with the process of self-forgiveness. For more context I recommend to read the e-book, there is much material there that can clarify and support within the understanding of what Desteni entails and stand for and it reads like a ‘novel’.

Here the aspects that I would like to point out, is how Bernard mentioned that he would be sure that before he opened himself to support a demon, he would be sure that there was no fear existing within him and, to show the way of self-forgiveness, he needed to have forgiven himself on all points, otherwise the demon would directly mention the unforgiven point and then mention this and use this to not embrace the tool of self-forgiveness, because the effect of self-forgiveness was not absolute standing then so why should he embrace it.

The point of not having any fear existing within myself before really being able to stand as an example of self-support; that is something that I see reflected in my daily life. And this brings me also to the starting-point of what I am bringing forward and who I am within this and the result of this. I mean, if I exist in fear and at the same time I would like to support another with a mind-pattern that may bring up resistence to embrace, forgive and let go, then that what I am existing in and as, is resonating through within my words and presense and most surely picked up and used to only enlarge the resistance – that actually also contains a fear within, so the fear will be affirmed. 

Because what I am then actually showing within (the resonance of) my words, is that what I bring forward or that which I ‘expect to come out’ – within myself but mostly projected on another – with what I bring forward, should be feared – I mean why otherwise should I exist in fear in this moment of an attempt to support?

This makes it not so easy to walk through, because to build self-trust, I need to walk through my fears in real time at some point and how to do this if I have not yet build the self-trust that I can keep standing, because this is what I will build while walking?

So I will experience fear and I possibly will then activate resistance and fear in another. What I then have found through time, is that if my starting-point of bringing up something, is to create an outcome that is best for all, so I bring it up in a starting-point of integrity, I will eventually be able to direct it towards this and this is also something that is mostly picked up. So this I can keep as a starting-point within myself as well and keep on focussing on expanding my self-integrity, although I may still experience a fear within me to start walking a point in real time. So, the fear shall resonate and come forward and then from the starting-point of what is best for all involved, or ‘best for both’ or ‘best for myself’ in a self-honest way, I will be able to direct myself in that what is activated and keep standing in what is activated and eventually I will be able to express where I come from and what I mean and why I do something.

I exist in fear because I am somewhere within myself, holding on to a point of separation and so, fear of loss of that what I have separated myself from however, within self-honesty, I need to stop compromising myself and then step forward and ‘take the risk’ of loosing ‘that what I hold on to and fear loosing’. Mostly while walking through this in real time, it becomes more visible what I ‘fear to loose’ and where I hold on to a compromised point within myself and the self-trust is build when walked through – meaning understanding and so forgiving myself in this – an ‘old and compromising equation’ actually and then opened up to create a new base that is more stable and long-lasting and best for myself and / as others’ self involved, as a more substantiated foundation in and as life, so from here I am able to expand my self-integrity and grow in a way that brings forward a substantial effect as well, in and as this physical existance.

So far my realizations that also come forward while I am writing it down here, so also the writing of blogs in a self-supportive way is something I can very much recommend to start with. I will continue in time to come with self-forgiveness as well and see how to expand on the topic of what I mean with ‘my starting-point’.

7-year-journey-to-life


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 764 – It’s a decision

One of the things that stand the most by me from the words of Bernard are the words ‘it’s a decision’. Actually everything, who we want to be, how we want to live, how we approach others and the world around us – it’s based on a decision. However what we have learned, is that it is based on ‘how we feel’ or not feel and what we think about something or someone. This goes so automatically and fast within ourself, that we are not really (or not at all) aware of the motivation behind our words and actions, behaviour and choises.

In the past, we have made many ‘decisions’ based on painful experiences and then we created thoughts and behaviour as a way to try and control our environment, to not experience this pain again and so actually, our unaware ‘decisions’ are very much based on a protection and defense mechanism. At some point later in life, if often comes forward that these ‘decisions’ are not practical anymore and actually working ‘against ourself’ as well as ‘against others’. Because these ‘decisions’ are once based on ‘exclusion’ from the one who did some harm to us, instead of bringing the pain back to self. This can be developped in many situations, from very small moments where we did not understand what was happening in a moment, within ourself and for example felt rejected, to the really emotional or physical abusive situations that do happen so much in this world that is based on inequality and misunderstandings.

So the protection and defense mechanism could be valid as ‘understandable’ and even necessarry in the past, however there comes a point in our lives where we are asked to be ready and willing to bring the pain back to self and take responsibility for ourself, in who and how we have created ourselves from all these moments in the past, in a way that is not best for all, but still only protecting and defending ‘our own good’ so to speak which goes hand in hand with attacking another who is questioning this ‘good’.

I was writing self-forgiveness in in a timeline of a mind-construct last week and came to a moment of decision where I saw that my behaviour, is unacceptable. It took me months to come to an understanding of myself in my behaviour, although I had seen already long before that something did not go well in certain moments.

It was in a moment in the working-environment that I am not satisfied about and that I experience as ‘unfair’ but that I can also not practically change and so, I was kind of ‘stuck’ in how to stand in this and behave. And this prevented me from seeing into myself as who I am in that moment and the will to change in this, because I found that ‘I had the right to do this’ in some way. And so it took me a deep introspection to come to the point of seeing that I was actually on a very subtile level, abusing a situation and (business)relationship in the vulnerability of the interdependency that we existing in within actually all relationships. I made a difference of how to be in different relatinships and so, I actually let the relationship determine ‘who I am’. I did not make a clear decision about ‘who I am’ in every relationship and allowed a small backdoor within myself in a (business)relationship where in another is more dependent on me (for money), to behave from a starting-point of ‘having certain rights’, where in other relationships where I am more dependent, I suppress these reactions within me.

Once I saw the point of abuse in it, through the extensive and structural writing and/of self-forgiveness within the lesson, I saw the solution: it’s a decision and I am the solution in who I am in that moment; it’s not possible to change the practical aspects in it and it is unacceptable to live out my dissatisfactions, so there is only one (practical) solution: ME and the decision to no longer accept and allow myself to live out this pattern of abuse, no matter how subtile and no matter ‘if I am right’ in a way.

From here I now need to practise and live this decision in reality, so I need to everytime decide to ‘act on my decision’, to make it a real and living decision that is visible in physical matter and what I find as well is that I need to come to this ‘decision’ in many different situations, moments and relationships, through seeing, realizing and understanding myself in each of it. (…) So I have an overall decision of the will to make the best of myself and come to a living of decisions of what is best for all in every moment and within this ‘will to change’ as a starting-point, I walk many moments towards a point of seeing myself, from where I decide to stop the abusive or ineffective pattern and thus change. This shows how extensive and detailed this process is to come to a point of practical, visible change in all aspects of our living.

Once I come to such point of insight, I find myself being more stable and solid, as now I have found a point that I can stand in and stand up from in those moments. There is often so much resistance experienced towards a point that needs introspection, however once through, it gives much more trust and satisfaction within and as self. To come to a decision that is best for all, I need to take off the layers of energy created around it and an effective way to do this is the application of self-forgiveness, so that I can come to a point of really seeing, realizing and understanding what I am doing in such moment and then, I am able to make the decision or actually in that moment of seeing myself, I have made the decision, to stop the abuse in this certain situation.

Desteni I Process


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 759 – Fear and expectations

In this video I investigate for myself what is involved in situations where I feel like or perceive that something is expected and then a fear coming up to give an answer or even getting stuck in being able to give an answer at all, and from here looking at a possible solution to start with for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my experiences coming up, when and as I perceive or feel that within a question, there is already an expectation of what I should answer or not and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I am able to directly see and do what is best in this moment, where I actually and maybe, am existing in within awareness of what is happening for the first time and so, I first need to see and lay out what aspects are involved within myself and within the situation as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone within giving an answer in what I see that is best for myself and so for the situation as a whole, in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not standing and not doing what is best in a moment of answering on a question that may or may not have an expectation in it, out of fear to ‘stand alone’ and to not be understood and forgiven for my stand in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall, out of fear of not being understood and forgiven in a moment and so actually, create my own fear as in not understanding and forgiving myself for allowing myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about ‘being understand and forgiven’ by another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only ‘expect from myself‘ to forgive myself and from here, bring myself towards a solution that is best for myself and life as a whole in the future to come, when and as a similar situation may arise.

When and as I see myself going into blame towards myself about falling in a moment, in relation to answering a question that may or may not have an expectation in it, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are aspects and layers within myself that I did not yet have investigated and so, I ‘live them out’ to make it visible for myself.

I commit myself to expect from myself that I pick up myself everytime I (may) fall, that I am willing to introspect, forgive and correct myself in the aspects that are existing within me that are not yet in consideration of myself and life as a whole and from here, being an example for others who are willing to hear and see or not yet but in time to come, in the best possible way and within my ability.

When and as I feel in a moment that within a question, there is already an expectation coming through and me going into fear, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can ask for some time to answer and that I do not need to answer ‘right now’.

I commit myself to take some time to calm myself down so that I will be better able to direct myself, my answer and so the situation as a whole in a more stable way and within consideration of what is best for myself ‘on long term’ and so for others on long term as well and if I am not able to do this, to not give an answer at all and voice myself in my inability to answer or respond in that moment.

A process to be continued

full_self-love-and-self-care-atlanteans-part-477

Self Love and Self care


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive