Dag 766 – What I find related to the word ‘abandoned’

 

Continuing from Dag 765 – Abandoned

Abandoned

After sitting with myself and the cats, speaking self-forgiveness on what is coming up within me while focussing on the area of my physical body around pelvic and lower belly area:

Ovaria’s; at the high of

Not feeling worthy as a woman without having children

Like failed

Not on a consiousness level but deep stored within me and even not knowing where it comes from, other then through generational lines and/or passed lives, from which I understand that what I live in this life is enough to take on, as in this life I live the same sort of patterns as probably in many lifes before and only by now I have the tools to step forward, to stand up in it for and as myself, with the application of self-forgiveness, self-correction and living words as the beginning of self-expression in this process.

An experience of ‘failure’ on a belief that I first took on as something that I needed to reach as how it is also placed in the world, as if the only way of living or passing life, is through giving birth through children instead, of birthing ourself as life from the physical in actively deciding within awareness who we are in thought, word and deed and living this decision as well. So ‘the world’ is mostly showing as if ‘building a family’ or giving birth to a child,  is the only way to ‘birth life’ and through trying to attempt this, I am missing myself as a real living being mostly and ‘missing the point’ completely in this state of survival.

Not having given myself the chance to really ‘choose’ or decide in this because of already taken on this belief and so follwing up on this, while at the same time noticing several hesitations in it, however still following up on this ‘automatic/programmed belief’. And within this, causing myself a lot of sadness and grief.

I stillcould feel this deep stored within me with still emotions attached (after a whole serie written about this that starts here). Feeling abandoned in this, feeling like ‘no man would stay with me if I am not carrying/have carried their child’. Abandoning myself within a self-created belief of failure.

Also, deep sadness for all the ‘homeless’ in this world including animals and the suffering from this. Homeless, also like abandoned.

Sitting with Snoo the cat from who I picked up (and confirmed without me sharing this, via someone who is picking up some signals from animals – this is not a ‘real communication with animals’, for some more information about this I would recommend the interviews that start here) that she would have liked to have little kittens but where is decided for her to get sterilized. Which in this situation (she lived as a cat from the street in Egypt and came via a shelterhouse to my house) and in this time where we live, is the best to do. However, these decisions are made without including the animals in it. Which I still felt sad about and I took responsibility for this experience of ‘guilt’ through apologizing as a human being, as asking forgiveness for humanity as a whole in who we are at the moment with regards to animals. This gave great release from the experience of guilt, within taking responsibility as a human being, for something that I did not directly do myself to her but the ‘species’ I belong to does within a world that we have all acccepted and allowed to exist within separation from life and so, I am responsible as well.

Additional self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my reproduction-system and ability to reproduce, related to the sex-system and love-system and within this, making myself myself inferior to ‘life’ as myself as life, within a separation of myself in an accepted and allowed belief in the self-created reality of the ‘love-system’ and the sex and reproduction that is connected within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to see and live myself as an individual and satisfied living being without ‘being related’ to a child and/or partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a failure if and when I do not succeed to maintain a pregnancy and/or intimate relationship, as if this are the only two ‘purposes’ in life to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on a deep level, tend to compromise myself for within my fertile years, an attempt in trying to get pregnant and during and after this, an attempt in trying to get or maintain a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the new and open area of giving myself and living a purpose within, as and for myself, that is not related to pregnancy/motherhood or a personal intimate relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it quite rediculous that I have accepted and allowed and accept and allow, so much distraction within and as myself by moving into and living out the love, sex and reproduction system, where in I at the same time see, realize and understand that within and embracing myself of who I am within this, I will be able to forgive, correct and change myself and the relationship with myself in this as a fundament for relationships with others and from here, ‘breathing life’ into myself and redefining love, sex and reproduction towards supportive area’s for myself and others as what is best for life as a whole, as an area to live, learn, grow and expand as individual and responsible living beings.

I notice that the left-bottom side of my large intestine is giving signals now of ‘pain’ or crampings, that is already here for minutes but that I at first did not bring into my awareness, so much am I used to this coming and going of these cramping pains and en emotion related to this that I have not yet defined and forgiven, however it releases a bit when now noticing and mentioning it.

Some words that come up: inferior, diminishing, unworthy, not allowed, accepted limitations, shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down and stop expanding myself after an attempt of fulfilling a pregnancy or relationship and so, making this area the ‘only way or possibility’ to expand within and as myself and here limiting myself in my individual grow and making myself dependent on the will and responsibility of another to grow and expand within a relationship and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my will to grow and expand, dependent on the will to grow and expand of (the presence of) a partner.

The overall word here: dependency

Which is something to bring back to myself as in self-dependency in and as the will to live and to stop the mind-dependency in and as the polarity of the energy-generation (as in for example the system of love, sex and reproduction).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in an experience of missing and distracting myself within this, where in I see, realize and understand how I create this experience within and as myself, through accepting and allowing a ‘building of relationships’ on the (unconscious) starting-point of the ‘love and sex-system’ and in the hope and expectation of the ability to transform this into an absolute unconditional relationship and sharing, where in the real missing is the missing of an absolute unconditional relationship with another human being, that I have channeled into the sharing of myself within the physical intimicy within ‘love and sex’ or ‘love as sex’ within a partner-relationship and so creating a dependency on each other on short-term, within and as the belief/fear and so judgement, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time’ in walking towards the individual starting-point of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and so judge, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge myself in my own will and ability to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility without another human being as a partner and from here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge a partner for leaving me and so, taking away the ‘free will’ of another in making their own decision in what to walk and how to do this towards a point of self-responsibility, as I restrict this to ‘staying with me’ as the only or ‘best’ way and so, becoming ‘forcing’ in this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fail’ by going into reacting from a starting-point of ‘fear of loss’ and here, start ‘forcing another’ who is picking up and reacting to this ‘force’ and then ‘going away’ and so I am ‘loosing the connection’ that I initially feared to loose and that I now co-created myself in reality.

From here I then go into an experience of guilt and finding as if I ‘failed’ and that ‘it is my fault’ that another goes in which I enlarge the ‘fear of making mistakes’ within myself where in I then enlarge the pressure within myself and reflecting this towards others as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all I am able to do, is taking responsibility for myself in this as how I here, bring a reaction back to self and realizing that if my reaction is causing another to stay or go, that this has to do with what is already going on inside themself that I have triggered with my reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost petrify myself within a fear of making a mistake and then causing another lo leave (me), up to the point where I cannot bear the pressure anymore of my own petrification and so, suddenly ‘lash out’ in a reaction with the result of that what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rsult of my own reaction as if it is all my responsibility and within this, trying to take ‘responsibility for two’ out of a fear that another is not willing or yet able to do this by/for themself and so walking away whenever I may react or make a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘staying with me’ or ‘staying with you’ above ‘taking responsibility for and as ourself’ and so, walk from a turned around starting-point which in itself, is doomed to explode and ‘break up’ because the foundation to build on and from, is not yet stable and constant in and as what is best for a life in and as self-responsibility.

And here, an experience of ‘being abandoned’ is created as being abandoned from a (soul?)-connection that is still origined from or connected to a belief or idea within and as the love-/sex-system as ‘being together for always no matter what’ and a fear of standing alone, so actually being abandoned from a continuation of an energy-experience.

To be continued.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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Uil forgive

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Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!


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Uil forgive

Dag 731 – Self-honesty, self and relationships

self-honesty

Continuing on previous blog.

For more than 6 years now, I am actively walking a process where in it is a core-point for me to transcent the ‘dependency’ within partnership. Through my life, I have had several partners and a pattern existing within this of starting and stopping. I could not find a way to keep my individuality and at the same time, be/become intimate in my sharing with another. I was not able to stand alone within partnership.

Now, what then does this mean? To stand alone? I learned how to stand alone when being/living alone, without a partner but then within this there is a tendency to search for a partner and when there is a partner, I often lived in a fear of loss or, the partner was existing in this pattern. All because, so I found out, the starting-point was not clearly cross-referenced within both: no discussions about what both want and/or are able to within a partnership and how to create this and how to give and how to support and what means love etc. So the starting-point was basicely still based on preferences and convenience, without really being self-honest to myself and to another about who I am and what I stand for.

This coming forward out of a ‘fear of loss’, as well when the relationship started but also on forehand, like not believing that any man that I like and who likes me and within the practical possibilities, would be willing to live with me and at the same time taking responsibility for oneself. So it is like a compromising on forehand, like, okay better live with someone halfway than living alone all my life (where this ‘all my life’ is what is showing this disbelief and fear ‘that I will never find a partner who is willing to stand with me when and as I am standing within a starting-point of self-honesty’).

But, here under, is hiding my own convenience. Of not willing, mixed with a ‘not knowing how’ to support another and push the principles where in another is given the opportunity to live accordingly to principles that are best for both (and from here, best for all) and expand as well. Not knowing how because I have never done this before or never had an example and so, it is all new to learn and develop. But what I actually mostly see is a convenience within myself about not willing to change and do the hard and dirty work, of step by step walking through all the shit that is coming up and directing myself and the situation in this. And here in I see, I am existing in judgement.

From not standing within and as my self-honesty of what I am accepting and allowing within myself and from here, tolerating within a relationship, I am existing in judgement, which leads to a fear of loss. Because I placed this partnership in the place of my self-honesty and from here, the separation from and within myself is existing and so I make myself dependent on the partner and on the partnership and on the physical intimicy. Within this I am existing in judgement all the time, I am hiding, I keep distance and push the other away (in fear as judgement) as a reflection of how I am in disagreement with and as myself and fear/judge myself for this, as long as I am not self-honestly facing this.

For 6-7 years I am looking at the theory of what it means to stand alone and live in/as self, as in not ‘missing another’ (as a reflection of missing myself)  where in I now see that the word ‘self-honesty’ is giving so much more clarity in this, as this is what I can define for myself. This is an active process that I have walked and am still walking and this is what I recently found within myself (hidden deep within myself) where in I kept my ‘preference’ at first place and secondly I tried to align my self-honesty with this, where I had to turn this around and place my self-honesty first and foremost and from here, look at how to align my preferences to this, if and when possible in a practical and considering way. Thus this means that I have to make peace with the possibility (or call it ‘risk’) that I have to let go of some of my preferences if I find that I am not able to live with it, practical, physical and according to my integrity.

This is an example of how we trade places in and as the mind and how we place our preferences above our self-honesty and from here, we make ourselves dependent on these preferences that we need to fulfill with something or someone outside ourselves. It can be anything: money, sex, love, food, drugs, alcohol, gaming, traveling, shopping, sleeping, watching tv and all variations within this.

We know in theory that we do this, we all know it somehow, however really seeing it within ourselves and understanding how we have exactly created this, is a whole other story, even from the point where we make the decision to change this within ourselves. For this, we need to walk what we call ‘a process’ through time.

It is possible that we have integrated this self-dishonesty in our physical body; in this case walking out of it, means to walk a physical process, through physical manifested consequences within our own body, as for example in my case, the consequence of a spastic colon.

To be continued


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Uil forgive

Dag 718 – 6. Decision in a split second

 This blog is related to record 6: Decision in a split second

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow two thoughts coming up within me in a split second as a self-interested ‘opportunity’ without fully investigating the consequenses that this could bring forward, for myself and another involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not involve another through sharing what is going on within my mind, where in my mind in a thought, I ‘use’ something of the other without the other even knowing about it and so, without giving the other an opportunity to bring in perspective and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on my thoughts and so, ‘using’ something of the other who is involved without fully informing about the starting-point I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inform the other who is involved with limited information through which I know I have better chances that the other will ‘agree’ on what I want and so, having an excuse for myself that I ‘did inform’ the other and that the other ‘did approve it’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that leaving out information is disempowering another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by leaving out information and creating from a starting-point of secrecy and self-interest, I will disempower myself within the consequenses that I create, in the same way as I disempower another in that specific moment and because only I am fully informed with the information in my head that I keep partly a secret, I will be responsible for the consequenses that I create by following up my secret thoughts with actions and so I will have to walk through the created consequenses in physical reality, by myself alone as long as I keep it a ‘secret’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have split up myself within my own thoughts that come up in secret and that I believe and follow up on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to follow up on my thoughts because the thoughts produce feelings and emotions that make me ‘feel alive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on thoughts within me about literally creating new physical life ‘by accident’ and from a starting-point of ‘fear and self-interest’, instead of considering myself and other participants as life itself and so, creating life from life by decision, in consideration of all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have disempowered and split up myself, by believing that I need to create new life in secrecy because otherwise I would not be able to create it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already believe that I will fail and so, I create from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure‘ without seeing that in this way, I will indeed ‘fail’ as my starting point is split up and not one and equal as myself and so, not grounded and valid or real and so I will have to walk back and deconstruct what I have created in ‘fear of failure’, to be able to take responsibility for it and while doing so, bring myself towards oneness and equality and birth myself as life from the phisical while doing so, while ‘walking back’ and transforming the self-interest into what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when resistances that are coming up in relation towards another, that these are coming from my own mind as things that I have separated myself from and as and so, it are things that I need to investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as resistances are coming up within myself in ‘relation towards another’, to walk out and end the relationship, instead of investigating, understanding and stopping the resistance within myself and so, build a relationship with and as myself and from here, approach another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk out of relationship situations that have potential because I believe that the resistance that I experience is real and ‘not where I must be’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actually the resistance is a place where I ‘should be’ as here my mind is showing me where I have separated myself in thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and preferences that are ‘in the way’ of approaching a situation with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘take what I want’ and then walk out within a relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that I create my own failure in this way as I ‘take what I want’ from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure’, out of fear that I will not succeed to create what I really want and what is best for myself and others involved, and so I rather ‘take quickly what I want’ and walk out so that at least, I have something that I (think that I) want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I ‘know myself’ and so follow that what comes up in my mind as a thought, feeling or emotion that I translate as ‘that what I want’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not know myself in what is really best for myself and especially not how I can bring this into reality in a practical and considering way, where in this is actually what I eventually want: that what is best for myself (as life and so for others as life) and within this, it will be lasting.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of not being able to create what I want / would like, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have never created such thing from a starting-point of a practical and considerable approach of reality and so, I have no reference of me being able to walk this and I have no blue-print of how to walk this. I realize that I easily give up when I do not ‘succeed’ directly instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I need to walk a new path step by step, deconstructing the old and destructive patterns and rebuilding a new and solid approach in consideration of this physical reality from a staring point of principled living as what is best for myself in this physical life and what is best for all who are physically involved in what I would want.

I commit myself to support myself as a being stepping forward by applying principles that are best for myself on long-term and in consideration of all involved.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the flaws and programs that are coming up within me as a ‘quick solution’ to fulfill myself with experiences in/as the mind, as a safety catch as ‘better having something than nothing’ instead of step by step bringing forward my potential as a living being.

I commit myself to be patient with myself and others and live the word patience, ‘geduld’ day by day.

I commit myself to receive the support of others for and as myself / my beingness to stand up and I commit myself to be a point of support for others as beingness to stand up as well.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency of giving up because I experience my feelings and emotions as too overwhelming as if I ‘cannot handle it’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am able to handle my own emotions because I allowed myself to create them as a reaction to what I have learned and believed and  I realize that I am not sticking to the principles of what is best for myself on long-term and so for others as well through which I already ‘fear’ my own creation as consequence, which brings up emotions.

I commit myself to lay out a foundation for myself within principles that I can apply and in which I can keep myself stable and at the same time, walk through my own experiences coming up, within the realization that as long as I keep myself grounded within principles (meaning, principles that are considering what is best for all involved, including myself), I am considering myself and others as life and so, I will eventually bring forward that what is best for all involved without creating harming consequenses.

I commit myself to, when and as I do not see a way to walk, to slow down and take the time to find a way in which I am able to keep myself stable and keep my integrity as well.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts as ‘taking what I want’ without completely informing others about this who are involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I come from a starting-point of fear of not being able to create what I want as what I really would like and see what is best and so, I need to reflect on and take responsibility for a pattern within myself that is not best for myself and others on long term.

I commit myself to slow down, to breathe and to take the time to forgive myself for my thoughts as fears and for believing them in relation to ‘taking what I want’ in a specific situation.

I commit myself to consider myself as a mind consciousness system in which I am weakening and compromising myself and from here, while seeing myself in these weakening / compromising patterns, finding ways to support myself as a being to stand up and direct myself towards a wholesome, healthy way of living.

Previous blog: 5. Menstruation cycle

Next blog: 7. The moment of truth

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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Dag 717 – 5. Menstruation cycle

This blog is related to record 5: Menstruation cycle

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to push myself to share this intimate details that were actually part of my secret mind during thet time that it took place that I am describing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about what secretely happened within myself in thoughts, feelings and emotions with regards to my fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share this, also in the past, but not completely, as I always hold a small part for myself that I could ‘play with’ and fill in for myself without anyone knowing and so, without anyone being able to have influence on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a backdoor open for myself as a place where I can make ‘my own decisions’ with regards to fertility and having a child or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my investigation of my menstruation cycle as a tool to make small shifts within myself and ‘challenge the possibilities of nature so to speak, without being fully aware of my own direction and decisions in this as a guideline of what will happen or not with regards to fertility and having a child or not – in consideration ofcourse of the biological and physical abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up my influence by not really being aware of how I am directing myself and placing part of my responsibility ‘outside myself’ and at the same time, keeping a ‘secret mind’ as secret area where in I am very well aware of myself manipulating an outcome that only I am fully informed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have unsafe intercourse where in I ‘wish’ that I can then become pregnant without the need to fully take responsibility for this decision and so, being able to decide to perhaps ‘become pregnant’ in a situation that is not stable and ready.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my female role and female body with the ability to become pregnant, as a way to slightly manipulate a male by informing the male about how I approach the menstraution cycle but not completely about what is going on within me with regards to my menstruation cycle and thoughts about pregnancy and so, use his ‘approval’ about what I did share, as a reason and justification to move on with what I have within my secret mind that I have not completely shared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate with leaving out some information that I have within myself in secret thoughts.

When and as I see myself leaving out some information that is actually vital and of importance, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am hiding something and so, that I fear ‘loosing’ this something if I share it, meaning, that I loose the possibility to ‘live this’ when and as another may not agree on it. I realize that within this, there as self-interest involved where in I am not open to cross-reference the possibility in a way to see if it is really best for all or that it may need some adaptation. I realize that within this, I ‘fear’ that I am not ‘listened to’ and that ‘what I want/would like’ may not be considered and so, I rather choose to keep it a secret and play it out in a way that it is already manifested in physical reality and so, I can not be crossed anymore. I realize that I think in such moment that ‘this self-interest is best for me’, where in I did not consider, investigate and cross-reference all outcomes and where in I actually did not consider myself as life in all outcomes but only ‘me’ in/as the mind in self-interest, in my limited version of my desires, simply because this is the only thing that I ‘know’ from and as myself.

I commit myself to take the time to investigate, consider and cross-reference all outcomes while walking something that I see as a possibility but where in I tend to keep information for myself and within this, consider myself as life in all outcomes.

I commit myself to forgive myself my wishes and desires that is existing within myself in a situation where in I am keeping information for myself and to take the time to embrace myself in this and let go what I see that is not best for myself and  so, not best for everyone who is involved and to move on with that what is giving an outcome where in life is considered, from/as myself and others who are involved in a situation.

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Previous blog: 4. Understanding the obsession

Next blog: 6. Decision in a split second


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Dag 544 – Dromen van seks

dromen

Droomwoordenboek

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb van seks te dromen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb langer in bed te blijven liggen als ik wakker word en van seks gedroomd heb om het lekkere gevoel nog even vast te houden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te verlangen naar seks met een man/een naakt mannenlichaam tegen mijn lichaam aan.

Als en wanneer ik wakker word en van seks gedroomd heb, dan stop ik, ik adem.

Ik realiseer me dat ik geparticipeerd heb in gedachten van verlangen naar seks met een man, naar een naakt mannenlichaam tegen me aan.

Ik realiseer me dat ik de zelfgecreërde ervaring van een naakt mannenlichaam tegen me aan in een droom, voortkomend uit gedachten van verlangen, gebruik om het opstaan uit bed uit te stellen.

Ik realiseer me dat ik gedachten van verlangen en hieruit voortkomende ervaringen, gebruik als excuus om de werkzaamheden waarvoor ik verantwoordelijkheid heb genomen, uit te stellen en/of ‘lichter’ te maken in en als de geest.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om, als ik wakker word en van seks gedroomd, mezelf vast te houden in en als de adem en met mijn eigen lichaam aanwezig te zijn en de ervaring als ‘het lekkere gevoel’ in te ademen en terug te brengen in en als mijn fysiek.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om als ik wakker word, in en als de adem op te staan en rustig de dag te beginnen, te zien welke ervaringen er in me opkomen en deze in zelfvergeving te zetten en hardop uit te spreken en mezelf voort te bewegen in de fysieke bezigheden en taken waarvoor ik verantwoordelijkheid heb genomen.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel alert te zijn op participatie in gedachten van verlangen door de dag heen en mezelf te stoppen in participatie in gedachten van verlangen, de energie te vergeven die in me aanwezig is en te focussen op mijn eigen fysieke lichaam, in en als de realisatie dat in mijn lichaam, al het leven aanwezig is en dat ik dit mis ieder moment dat ik participeer in gedachten, gevoelens en emoties in en als de geest, zonder te weten wat leven is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te verlangen naar leven en dit te projecteren op een projectie/plaatje van een samenzijn van mijn naakte lichaam tegen een ander naakt lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me af te scheiden van het leven in en als mijn eigen fysiek door participatie in projecties en herinneringen in en als de geest en hierin energie te genereren welke ik vervolgens ‘bewaar’ en opsla in mijn fysiek waardoor ik een ervaring van onrust creëer in en als mijn fysiek waarin ik denk iets te missen om vervolgens een ervaring van verlangen te creëren naar iets buiten mijzelf en mijn eigen lichaam en hierin een angst te ervaren om iets te missen, wat niet meer is dan de gedachte dat ik iets mis in en als mezelf, wat ook zo is, namelijk mezelf in en als het leven in en als mijn fysiek, zolang ik deelneem en geloof in projecties als plaatjes als gedachten als herinneringen in en als de geest.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de taken waarvoor ik verantwoordelijk heb genomen, één voor één op te pakken en rustig uit te voeren, waarin ik me adem voor adem en dag voor dag beweeg en mezelf ondersteun in het uitvoeren van de bezigheden in en als de wetenschap dat ik in staat ben dit te doen zonder me druk te maken.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel mezelf voort te bewegen in nederigheid, waarin ik de eenvoudige, fysieke taken met zorg oppak en uitvoer zonder grootste ervaringen en verwachtingen hieraan gekoppeld.

Als en wanneer ik mezelf zie participeren in een plaatje van mezelf met een naakt mannenlichaam tegen me aan, dan stop ik, ik adem.

Ik realiseer me dat ik in en als deze herinnering, mezelf de adem beneem in en als een gekoppelde energetische ervaring.

Ik realiseer me dat ik mezelf voortbeweeg in en als de geest door de energie die vrijkomt in participatie in en als de ervaring bij het plaatje als herinnering van een naakt mannenlichaam tegen mijn lichaam aan.

Ik realiseer me dat ik vasthoud aan de ervaring gekoppeld aan een herinnering als plaatje van een naakt mannenlichaam tegen me aan waarmee ik seks ga hebben.

Ik realiseer me dat ik dus vasthoud aan de ervaring van ‘seks gaan hebben’ en hieraan een positieve ervaring van ‘verwachting’ te koppelen en hier vervolgens naar toe te leven door mijn dagelijks leven heen, in en als de hoop en verwachting dat dit ooit weer plaats zal vinden.

Ik realiseer me dat ik dus ‘wacht’ in en als een ervaring van verwachting op een moment van samenzijn met een naakt mannenlichaam, waardoor ik afwezig ben in en als mijn eigen fysiek totdat ik aanwezig ben in en als deze geprojecteerde herinnering in de toekomst.

Ik realiseer me dat ik in en als de geest, hiervan een ‘ultiem’ moment gemaakt te hebben om na te streven als afleiding van de fysieke werkelijkheid en het nemen van zelfverantwoordelijkheid, in en als een ervaring dat alles ‘go(e)d’ is.

Waarom houd ik vast aan precies zo’n moment? Ik vind dat het fijnste wat er is, tegen een naakt mannenlichaam aanliggen, omarmd en in de verwachting van seks hebben wat allebei willen en/of net na seks gehad te hebben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het tegen een naakt mannenlichaam aanliggen in en als de verwachting van seks en/of net na seks, het fijnste te vinden wat er is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb angst te ervaren dat ‘tegen een naakt mannenlichaam aanliggen’ niet meer plaats zal vinden.

Ik realiseer me dat ik iets wil goed maken, dat ik in het verleden heb nagelaten verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mezelf in gedachten, gevoelens en emoties waardoor ik mogelijkheden om tegen/met een naakt mannenlichaam te liggen, voorbij heb laten gaan.

Ik realiseer me dat dit ‘tegen een naakt mannenlichaam aanliggen’ een moment is waarin ik mezelf toesta om zonder oordeel, dus zonder gedachten aanwezig te zijn waarin ik even ‘niets hoef’ van mezelf.

Ik realiseer me dat ik constant, vanaf het moment dat ik wakker word en tot me door dringt dat ik op moet staan, tot aan het moment dat ik naar bed ga en ‘klaar’ ben met alle taken waarvoor ik verantwoordelijkheid heb genomen, de gehele dag door iets ‘moet’ van mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb de gehele dag door iets te moeten van mezelf en hierin te participeren in een ervaring van ‘moeten’ welke in en als de geest is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me de gehele dag door voort te bewegen in en als de geest in een ervaring van ‘moeten’.

Ik realiseer me dat het ‘moeten’ minder zwaar wordt, dat ik minder opzie tegen hetgeen ik doe als dat ik minder ervaar dat ik ‘het niet kan’.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mijn eigen gedachten, gevoelens en emoties en mezelf hierin voort te bewegen in en als de toepassing van de ademhaling, zelfvergeving en zelfcorrectie, zowel in een situatie waarin er geen man aanwezig als in een situatie waarin we wel een man aanwezig is.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel mezelf de kans te geven mezelf te verbeteren in en als het nemen van zelfverantwoordelijkheid in en als de realisatie dat ik tijd heb om in dit leven, in en als mijn fysiek met een man samen te zijn en naakt tegen elkaar aan te liggen, in en als begrip van mezelf in de vergissingen in het verleden.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel meer rust te brengen in en als mezelf in de taken waarvoor ik verantwoordelijkheid heb genomen en neem door mezelf steeds opnieuw gewaar te worden van mijn ademhaling als ik bezig ben en de tijd te nemen om de taken naar mijn beste kunnen uit te voeren in plaats van te streven naar ‘het af hebben’ van de taken.

droomnietjelevenIn gezond verstand en zelfverantwoordelijkheid als wat het beste is voor al het leven:

Desteni I Process Lite

Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 435 – Masturbatie – van energetisch opladen tot fysieke expressie

Witnessblog

Masturbatie en seks kunnen ondersteuning bieden in het proces om uit de geest, het fysiek in te wandelen. Het is een gebied waarop we allemaal deels of volledig geillusioneerd zijn in de geest dus een belangrijk onderwerp om te onderzoeken in zelf. Dit doe ik deels via het luisteren van wat interviews en het lezen van artikelen en van wat er gedeeld wordt in de groep hierover en verder vooral via het fysieke onderzoek in en met mezelf. In het begin, toen ik net begon met de Dip-Pro-cursus en participatie in Desteni, was er verwarring over het onderwerp seks en masturbatie: hoe zit het nu met seks, ‘mag’ het wel of niet, wanneer wel of niet, hoe dit uit te voeren, wanneer is het energetisch en wanneer is het fysiek? Ik heb veel boosheid ervaren omdat ik dingen verkeerd begrepen had en in mijn ogen ‘verkeerde keuzes’ had gemaakt; iets wat we feitelijk allemaal levens lang gedaan hebben aangezien we altijd keuzes gebaseerd hebben op wie we zijn bestaande in afscheiding in en als de geest in en als een illusie van ‘vrije keuze’ in plaats van het nemen van beslissingen in overweging van wat het beste is voor al het fysieke leven.

In eerste instantie heb ik 6-9 maanden (of misschien zelfs langer) geen of vrijwel geen seks met (toenmalige) partner en/of zelf gehad. Dit was in de startperiode waarin er onduidelijkheid in mij was hierover en dit is dan gelijk een mooie periode om onder ogen te zien hoe ik tegenover seks sta. Stel ik mezelf hier afhankelijk van op, wat betekent het in een relatie, waar baseer ik partnerkeuze op, is dit gerelateerd aan seks, wat zijn juist de weerstanden en/als angsten ten opzichte van seks, hoe heb ik seks verbonden aan een ‘speciale’ persoon, vind ik het wel makkelijk om geen seks te hebben etc.

Ik bemerkte dat ik geen seks meer wilde met een partner en hier fysiek ook niet toe in staat was zonder mezelf te beduvelen – als er geen duidelijkheid was in het startpunt in ieder zelf en ik hierdoor geen duidelijkheid had over het verloop van de relatie. En zonder seksuele interactie is hierin eenvoudiger zicht te krijgen omdat er veel minder fysieke afhankelijkheidservaringen aan elkaars lijven ontstaan die beslissingen kunnen beinvloeden. Dit is zowel praktisch voor zicht in een al bestaande relatie waar twijfel is over het startpunt van zelf en/of de ander als voor het beginnen van een nieuwe relatie welke in het startpunt van een agreement zal zijn.

In deze periode (na de stop) ben ik juist wel de masturbatie gaan ‘beoefenen’. Hierin stop ik eventueel opkomende plaatjes en/of pas ik hierop een zelfvergeving toe en onderzoek ik in mezelf wat er zoal aan eigenbelang omhoog komt in het willen hebben van seks/een orgasme. Wat ik vooral ondersteunend vind is het duwen door weerstanden heen voor/tijdens masturbatie. Dit doe ik door hardop zelfvergevingen uit te spreken. Een gedachte die met regelmaat omhoog is gekomen is ‘wat ben ik hier in godsnaam aan het doen’. Ook ben ik veel verdriet tegen gekomen ten aanzien van een partner in het verleden die ik zag als ‘die ene ware’ waarin ik het seksuele samenzijn als ‘perfect’ heb ervaren en waarin ik mijn seksuele expressie – ik spreek niet van zelfexpressie want ik was/ben nog niet werkelijk als zelf aanwezig – verbonden had aan een samenzijn met deze specifieke partner. En zo kon/kan ik tijdens seks hebben met mezelf, steeds een beetje van deze afhankelijkheid in/als de geest inzien, het verdriet omhoog laten komen, zelfvergeven, mezelf omarmen hierin. Na ieder samenzijn met mezelf ben ik meer aanwezig in het fysiek, er wordt vaak iets duidelijk ten aanzien van een punt gebonden aan seks en relaties, ik kan af en toe werkelijk ontspannen in mijn fysiek, ik ervaar mezelf als ‘wakkerder’. Een hulpmiddel als een vibrator vind ik prettig hierbij als een soort van massage van de vagina, welke ondersteunt om dieper in het bekken aanwezig te zijn en om de masturbatie meer fysiek te maken. Via dit beoefenen met mezelf kan ik langzaamaan de afhankelijkheid aan het hebben van een partner voor seks loslaten. Af en toe bemerk ik dat mijn lichaam zich gaat uitdrukken en dan wordt het verschil tussen energetisch en fysiek wat meer zichtbaar en fysiek voelbaar. Er komt minder verdriet omhoog, de weerstanden worden minder. Het wordt een fysieke ondersteuning van loslaten van spanning in het lichaam. En zo is het tegelijkertijd een mooie voorbereiding voor als er seks gaat plaatsvinden met een agreementpartner.

Dit is in het kort hoe ik mezelf ondersteun met beoefening van de fysieke masturbatie. Ik leg mezelf geen regels op hierin ten aanzien van hoe vaak ik het doe; ik kijk hierin naar hoe mijn fysiek is in het moment en ik push mezelf om het met enige regelmaat toe te passen. Echter een leidraad hierin kan zijn 2 a 3x per week.

Voor een ieder die zichzelf wil ondersteunen met het beoefenen van masturbatie is er veel informatie beschikbaar om te luisteren in de verschillende eqafe-series. Het participeren in plaatjes, gedachten, geluiden etc in de geest om de geestelijke opwinding te stimuleren dient gestopt te worden en kan onderzocht worden in zelf via schrijven, zelfvergeving en zelfcorrectie; tevens dient er geen stimulans via beelden, video’s en plaatjes van buitenaf gebruikt te worden. Het is jij met jezelf in en als je fysiek en eventueel een fysiek hulpmiddel ter fysieke stimulatie en in geen geval ter geestelijke stimulatie. Wees en wordt zelfoprecht hierin. Op deze manier zorg je ervoor dat je niet per definitie jezelf op gaat laden in de geest. Er zullen allicht energetische ervaringen omhoog komen, want het is een proces om de geest uit te wandelen, het fysiek in. Als je dit als je startpunt houdt, ter ondersteuning van jezelf om in en als het fysiek aanwezig te zijn/worden en hierin de participatie in de geest te stoppen, zelfvergeven, zelfcorrigeren in zelfoprechtheid dan zal de masturbatie een ondersteuning zijn in het proces om stapje voor stapje meer en meer fysiek aanwezig te zijn en allerlei geestelijke verbindingen ten aanzien van seks, op te ruimen.

Informatieve en gratis serie interviews:

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation – Introduction

Full shocking secrets of masturbation introduction

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/