Dag 589 – The mind-body relationship – The pain of allowance, within and without

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Yesterday evening around 10 pm, a cramping pain came up in the large intestine at the height of the right ovarium. This is a place where from time to time, I experience cramping. It is a cramping that asks all my attention and I need to sit down and look what is going on where the sitting gives some physical support on my lower back (which is comfortable, especially because I am also having my period). In the hours before there did not so much happen, I had written out a time-line within my DIP Pro lesson and I did not experience a particulair emotion. So I started to look back through the day to see if I could find anything related. I do this by focussing on the pain and ‘scroll’ within myself through moments during the day that stood out for me. I also from time to time, lay down on the ground or on the bed and push firm and gentle on the painfull spot to see what emotion is stored here, especially when it is coming up in the morning and I often find it related to ‘sentences’ as assumptions with related emotions that I have stored in the past without being aware of it and/or without willing to be aware of it.

However yesterday night I started with scrolling through the past day. I entered a moment, looked into possible reactions/emotions within myself and see if there is any movement within the specific/painfull area. I entered a conversation that I had with a woman at work that made an impression on me. The woman had been in the store once before for some physical support and she came back for some new products and told me that what we had discussed and that what she took home, was giving the support that was required. She told me that she wanted to ask me a question and that I could decide to answer or not answer. Her question was how many males and females talks to me about sexual abuse and how much this subject is, from my perspective, ‘in the open’ so to speak. She shared that she was writing a book about the subject of sexual abuse and she mentioned some numbers that were very high and that The Netherlands is one of the countries where it takes place very often. She mentioned how investigations gave numbers of relations between for example intestine-problems and sexual abuse and between crimes and sexual abuse, meaning that from 70% of the intestine-problems and from the crimes that took place, there was sexual abuse involved where in females tend to manifest this more intern (physical) as problems and where males tend to manifest it more extern as problems as ‘crimes’.

I was deeply touched by what she mentioned, also in relation to the amount of males that are subject of sexual abuse, used as a way to control, for example in war-area’s and how they rarely speak about it because ‘they should be the ones that are protecting the family’.

A few months ago, I noticed a similar physical reaction within myself, related to facing the abuse in the world in/as a ‘wake-up moment’ and suppressing my reaction on this as supressing/hiding the reaction of pain for what is happening in this physical world and I experience this suppression as cramping inside the lower area’s of the large intestine where I can hardly stand anymore, I need to sit or lay down and support myself to release the pain.

This previous event was related to animal-abuse and happened while I was listening/realising how the chickens that everyone is eating on a daily base, are treatened and prepared. As soon as I allow myself to face the abuse in the world and allow myself to experience the related emotional pain, the physical pain releases. Actually in this moment, I stop the separation here within and as myself – the separation from my emotional reaction on the abuse in and as this world – and as soon as I stop suppressing my emotional reaction and instead, start taking responsibility for my reaction in and as the application/living of self-forgiveness, I stop the abuse on myself/my physical body. This was also yesterday evening. I look, I see, I allow myself to experience the emotional pain and if necessary, speak out self-forgiveness until it is releasing and/or to find where the pain is related to.

There was also a personal aspect related to the mentioning of the relationship between sexual abuse and intestine-problems. It was a realization inside myself as ‘you see, it is indeed related’. In my life, there has not been taken place some actual physical sexual abuse, however at a young age there were incidents from sexual intimidation within for my experience an ‘innocent relationship’, where the incidents have been of great influence on my behaviour and general expression. It was all so very subtile that it is easily to be surpressed and ‘swept’ away as ‘of not so much importance’ and at the same time I am/was every moment aware of the influence that I allowed it to have on me, in almost every aspect of myself. Lately I am facing more of the incidents/events as memories and within this seeing how and where to take responsibility for myself in it and stop defining myself as how I reacted within this events which I developped into a personality.

The realization gave a release of the guilt that I experienced with regards to my physical conditions as having a sensitive digestion and spastic colon, as if ‘everything was my own fault’ in this. It is not ‘my fault’ but it is indeed and only my responsibility to take care of myself within this condition as my physical body that I live in. I am the only one who is responsible for myself and/as my mind in and as my physical body, as I am the only one who can see how I created all the relationships within and as myself, from and as memories as events during my life and although there is DNA involved and preprogramming, it is still the mind that I allowed to evolve in and as myself and the body that I live in and that is my responsibility; only I live day and night with and as myself, in and as my physical body that I can call ‘mine’ in a way, so it is my responsibility to take care of, in and as myself (where we should take into consideration how everyone and everything is of influence on each other in this physical existance and how easily this physical existance can be harmed).

There are many dimensions involved here where in the suppression of emotional reactions do have an influence on my physical body, that I have allowed myself many times throughout my live, if I take in consideration the condition of a the spastic colon that I have allowed/created to exist in and as myself. Central in this, is the acceptance and allowance of the emotional reactions as self-abuse, as reactions on abuse that is happening ‘to me’ and/or that is happening in this world and from here, suppressing it within my physical body where I try to separate myself from the experiences that gives and showes the pain and abuse. Which is actually a form of denial. Because, “Once you’ve Allowed Abuse, you’ll become Abuser”.

(Source: Interviews from the Farm 60: Candida and Self abuse)

The pain and abuse that we accept and allow within this existence, we can not deny and hide from it; it is here within ourselves, within and as our physical bodies.

Accept and Allow – Contract with Death: Day 22

Accepteren en Toestaan – Het Contract met de Dood: Dag 22 (vertaling)

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The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
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Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 296 – Expressie en de Darm – How do I contribute to the most horrific events in the world

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on Living Alone

Dag 295 – Expressie en de Darm – Money, Survival and Limitation

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Mannelijk bekken

Picture of a (male) pelvis

I was watching the documentary of a Dutch woman Toos who is used and abused extensively for sexual rituals where in high members of royalty and church are named as involved.

It is a horrific story, and at the same time she is telling nothing new. What happened to her is what I always experience somewhere on the background as the greatest nightmare that could ever happen to me and every human being and so within this a great fear. So she named all the events one by one, that all are build up from physical torturing and sexual abuse from top till toe, where no respect is left. It is a complete abuse of the physical and of the being.

Now how can I be scared for this and how can I recognize everything she is telling? I have not been in situations like this, I have not seen movies about it, actually I didnot even now from direct stories that this is existing. And still, this fear and this experience of total abuse from top till toe is part of me as long as I remember.

Let’s say that from an age of around 6, maybe earlier but not younger than 4, I experience myself somewhere like this. And since watching the documentary I am wondering, isn’t this all triggered because of starting masturbating. Isn’t this the unconsiousness system that is starting loading all this information while masturbating?

I am consious that I have seperated myself from the unconsiousness awareness. As this is something that I donot want to involve with, that I donot want to belong to. Not realising how I probably have activated this all by myself, within an experience of an orgasm that I liked, and that I repeated in my life. Not extensively, but enough to get involved.

I always have accounted this experience to something ouside myself, as there was something outside myself that had abused me (even though I didnot find anything for real, as there have been taken place some abusive events but not so extensively and not really physical; most took place within words or within the lack of words – which is also physical). So I could not find something that is so extensively. However, I didnot consider how I involved myself within this experience, and within this, abuse myself as a being from top till toe, in starting participating in and energetic sexual experience in/as the mind.

I donot say that events in childhood do not have influence on this experience, I only say that I didnot consider my own participation within the unified consiousness field in/as unconsiousness by starting masturbating and uploading energy and information from the unconsiousness of humanity as a whole, and so distributing to this unified field by generating energy within masturbating. And so creating and accumulating thus enlarging my own experience of fear, which is actually my own mind system in/as fear as the mind exist in/as fear. Not knowing how I, witin this, contribute to the situation of this woman Toos, which has lived for 8 years in the most horrific shadow side of the unified consiousness system of humanity, where this total abuse and torturing that we cannot even imagine – and at the same time all do imagine – is physically taking place.

This whole unified consiousness system is interconnected very specific and complicated and this is only one insight form myself, where in I start taking self responsibility for my contribution to the dark side of humanity that physical takes place, although it is ignored and denied by most humans in daily life.

It is also connected to the elite in this world – people in control with money – which has a direct connection to the control that take place and that we as humanity as a whole allow and accept to exist. This control is direct visible in the inequality in this world as the unequal distribution of money and within this the unequal distribution of life-circumstances as food, water, house and education. Which we all take for granted, as this is how it is, without ever really investigating how this horrible events and situations could ever have manifested in this world. Because if we start really investigating the source of the abusive world where we live in, we come to the final point which is the source as the startingpoint of this horror story that we live in, which is:

Ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the most horrific events of sexual abuse and physical torturing and humiliation that we can imagine – and we all know how bad our stories in our imaginantion are – by participating in an activity of energetic masturbation, in which I only experienced a feeling that I liked, and so which I wanted to repeat, without knowing and being aware of the energetic contribution that took place within this to upload the unified consiousness field and within this to the systems of control within this field; without noticing that I was oploading my own consiousness field within this activity of masturbation, loading information that we cannot even imagine but that we do imagine every day,  and accumulating and enlarging my own experience and existence in/as fear in/as the mind as consiousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a source outside myself was the cause of my experience of extreme fear for this ‘dark energy’ – like I am hunted by something – without seeing, realising and understanding that the source and cause is manifested within myself and accumulated and enlarged by an activity of energetic masturbation that I found out by coincidence and that I experienced as a nice feeling that I wanted to repeat, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat and upload this energetic system within and without myself in/as the mind as the unified consiousness field existing in this world in/as humanity as a whole, where this hunting by the dark side of humanity take place in physical reality within secret parties where they play a game of hunting naked children in the dark as a form of play of sexual abuse and physical torturing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loaded with this heavyness of/and fear all the time, my whole life at the background, without being able to relate this experience to the physical reality that I live in as this is a pretty stable physical reality from birth till now, and so I am confused by my own experiences of heavyness and fear and searching for causes outside myself and blaming every tiny little thing outside myself which I can find that maybe contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within blaming, I myself contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear within myself and keep myself locked within this experience in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for sexuality as long as I remember, as within sexuality, this experience of this ‘dark energy’ in/as fear, can be triggered and come over me suddenly, where in I devellopped a way to be able to have and really like sexual avtivity, which is when I am excited and so actually participating within this energy, and so experiencing the ‘light’ of this energy as the polarity of the dark side, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within this participating in/as excitement in/as a positive ‘light’ experience of this sexual energy, I automaticly enlarge and reload the ‘dark side’ of this energy and so I enlarge and reload the energy systems in/as the unified consiousness field in/as the mind in/as humanity as a whole, and so I contribute to the state of the horrific situations that many children are secretely involved in within sexual abuse and physical torturing, and at the same time, I enlarge and reload my own experience of fear within sexuality, which again I tend to suppress within a feeling of excitement, which I am aware of and that I no longer can and will allow that myself, and so I experience myself a kind of stuck within and as fear for sexuality and within this, fear for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from humanity as a whole by ignoring, denying, neglecting and suppressing the unconsiousness system within myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself in/as consiousness, hiding in positivity, in which I allow and accept myself to be unable to change myself in/as self-responsibility for myself as a whole.

When and as I see and experience some dark energy as fear within and as me, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here in the physical through breathing and touching some physical attributes.

I realize that I experience something within myself that is part of me as consiousness system in/as fear that is triggered somewhere within myself which probably is related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to investigate what triggers me to this experience of dark energy in/as fear as the dark side of humanity, related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to stop participating in energetic sexual experiences – which I already stopped for longer time, but from which I still didnot see the real harm that it can cause, and so, I was not completely motivated to stop it in totality, which gives situations of where I could sometimes see participating in this energy ‘through the fingers’, which is actually keeping a backdoor on a narrow opening to eventual be able to participate in positive sexual energetic experiences.

I commit myself to investigate the dutch and family origin, existing within and as myself,  related to this experience of dark energy, in which rigid religic patterns play a large role, to see how this is related to (suppressed) sexual energy and to suppressing physicallity in/as sexuality as a whole.

I commit myself to investigate how the experience of complete abuse from top till toe is created and manifested within myself, which is the relation to the topic of all this blogs that I write with the frontname ‘Expressie en de Darm/Expression and the Intestine’, as this experience of complete abuse from top till toe, I experience physically within the anus and within the muscles of the large intenstine as cramping and irritation, where in I lost my ‘innocence of being’ through the decision of participating in and as energy in/as the mind as consiousness system in a moment that I donot remember by consiousness, but that is of influence on me and humanity as whole, every moment, every day, and only by taking complete self-responsibility for myself within this, I will be able to eventual stand up in/as a human being in/as innocense as life – where in I write eventual as I am not sure if I will be able to recreate a complete healthy functioning physical body as time is limited, but where in I commit myself to walk process till this is done as this is what is best for humanity, for them who are coming and for Life on Earth as a whole, and so within this for myself as a human being.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)

Investigate:

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series

Full_shocking-secrets-of-masturbation-introduction

What is Sex – OverView

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Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/