Dag 719 – 7. The moment of truth

This blog is related to record 7: The moment of truth

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push away the support that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I listen to the record and see how gentle the support is offered even in a situation that is not optimum or what the other want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how it is for the other to not have any say in the the situation of having the child let to be born or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions for myself from a point of survival in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘myself and the child’ but not the male involved, coming forward out of a situation that is not grounded and build in trust and stability but more used as a way to fulfill a part of my self-interest and even within this, use ‘how it would be for the child’ as an excuse to not really consider myself deep within, same as how I am really not considering another as self deep within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first set something into motion as that I want deep within, without considering everything and everyone involved and see how ‘that what I want/would like’, how I will be able to slowly build this in consideration of everything that is involved but instead, when I have is set in motion and created into physical reality, see the consequenses of what I have created and from here, pull back, not being willing or knowing how to to push through and walk into reality with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to support myself in a constructive way within the physical consequenses that I have set in motion and from here, pull back as the only way that I see as solution that I am able to live and so go from ‘willing’ to ‘not willing’ anymore to move on with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself, others and life itself by first setting something into motion, create a spark of life into physical reality and then pull back, when and as I see everything that is involved that I have not considered on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of ‘amputate’ a part of myself within myself as not continuing with ‘that what I really want’, within and as the belief ‘that I cannot do that’, where in I actually and simply have not considered all and everything that is involved on forehand and so, I may be able to ‘do that’ if and when I start considering myself as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘amputate everything’ because my starting-point was not in consideration of myself as a whole as what is best for all, myself included and instead of then continue walking with what I have created already and change this into a situation in a best possible way, thinking and believing that I need to ‘stop it all’, to ‘delete it all’ and ‘make it away’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear and within this, disappear within myself, in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience – in a way where I ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’ – as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear, instead of bringing the experience of resistance back to myself, investigate the origin and forgive myself for separating myself from the origin within and as myself.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency to ‘amputate’ or stop or ‘make away’ something that I started that I then see later is not best for all, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we create a lot from a starting-point that is not yet best for all, in consideration of ourselves and life as a whole, because we have programmed and been programmed in a way of self-interest and it takes time to walk this back, to forgive and change ourselves in this and where in the physical consequenses that we create, shows us where we are not aligned with ourselves as life as a whole, with our ‘integrity’ as life. I realize that this doesnot mean that i need to ‘amputate’ everything and that part of myself but that it actually means that I need to embrace, understand and forgive myself for that part of/as myself.

I commit myself to embrace, understand and forgive myself for something that I create and set in motion that appears to not have been created from a starting-point of myself in my integrity as life as a whole, in consideration of others as life involved and I commit myself to from here, see how I can change this consequense as creation in a way that is now supporting life and considering the life and/as myself as a whole – meaning considering all aspects within me that I see related and moving within.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the resistance that I experience is showing me a part of myself that I have separated myself from in a moment of ‘loosing control’ somewhere in my life and so, it is showing me ‘where I need to be’; so pushing it away is not a solution. I realize that an experience of resistance in/as the mind, is more a distraction as a temptation of myself in programming, to not see beyond this programming so it is ‘a program protecting itself’. I realize that this program is not really me, but within the program, I have channeled a part of me, of myself as a being and so, I need to bring myself back here towards and within a starting-point of self-direction.

I commit myself to support myself to find, name and forgive the thought as control-mechanism within and as myself myself and to name and forgive myself for participating in the activated energies as related feelings and emotions coming up.

I commit myself to use my body as a point of support and cross-reference for this process while laying down and gently pushing on places within my body that are constricted and that are coming forward – where in my body brings up that what I have missed from/within myself – and here sounding self-forgiveness on thoughts and emotions that come up, without trying to ‘relate to it’ immediately, as I have seen that ‘the sense in it’ will come forward sooner or later, while or after I am supporting my body to release the stored energy.

I commit myself to support my body to support me, through every day taking some time to focus on only breathing within and as my physical body and to continue doing so, no matter if I will be distracted very fast or if it will be long or short, I will do it again and again.

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Previous blog: 6. Decision in a split second

Next blog: 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’


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Dag 610 – The mind-body relationship – Articulation and twinkling lips

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From experiencing myself as restless during the whole day (last week) and having a conflict in the evening, I decided already that evening to next morning – after additional a remarkable dream during the night – to lay down on my bed and sound self-forgiveness and release the energetic experiences. I was able to let go of some deep emotions from the past that were pointed out within the dream, where in the area around my solar plexus was responding with noises and some relaxation from a very tight state. Within this I started to notice how in a moment, my lips started to move in more clear pronouncements and I became aware of the expression within my lips/mouth and the articulation of the words within this. As if my mouth became alive and my lips are physically feeling more full and a bit twinkling.

A while ago, I asked Sunette during a chat (and/or a being expressing itself through Sunette) if there is anything related to my underlip being very dry and changing it’s skin very fast on and on. This was the answer given:

“IngridS, – FEAR of SPEAKING, the dryness is you almost ‘shrinking’ yourself into inferiority within yourself – like sucking yourself back into the mind, into suppression – so here, we’d suggest having a look at your fears you still give into in the mind when it comes to people”

It was not the most nice answer to hear lol but it was very supportive and bringing a focus/awareness. It was not a totally ‘new’ insight but had some new aspects/dimensions and also showed me the seriousness of the effect of inferiority. So I took this with me while moving on, keeping an eye on my lips, on speaking, on fear, continuing walking the patterns coming to the surface and at the same time not yet seeing so much change inside myself instead of keeping an eye on myself with regards to my lips.

During the sounding/speaking of self-forgiveness this morning, I was taking responsibility for a decision in the past that I needed to make to get clear sight on myself and to stand up on my own two feet but in what I see that I limited myself and another with regards to the living environment. This gave some release from tension in my breast area and movements with bubling noises in the area around my solar plexus and a on a specific place within my body and my large intestine.

While speaking/sounding the self-forgiveness and going into this more pronounced articulation and movement with my mouth, I noticed how I normally and almost always tend to ‘not take too much time to speak and to speak quite fast and keep it short as if I could not take so much time from others to listen to me and to not pronounce too clearly, a bit like mumbling and from here, being relieved if I was finished speaking’.

While articulating when sounding the self-forgiveness, what came up within me was ‘I am not sure if I dare to do this and take this time to pronounce while speaking with others’.

However I enjoyed and enjoy the physical experience within my mouth and lips, when speaking and also when not speaking so this gives a nice focus for myself while speaking and to become more aware of the words I say and slow down within. Because now when I write this down, I remember that so far, I do not like speaking very much and/or doing it within resistance ‘because I have to’ from myself, especially when it is an expression that may be ‘new’ and so I might meet some disunderstanding. So to prevent myself from an experience of being not- or misunderstood and going into inferiority inside myself because of being not understood, I start a bit mumbling and talking as if it is of not so much importance what I say and that ‘you can choose to listen or not’ as if I do not care so much.

I do care, I do react when I notice that someone did not hear me, not understood, not listen or forgot what I said. That was what the conflict (from inside myself projected on the outside) was actually about the other night. So quite an interesting sensitivity coming through here within my body in my lips and mouth, showing how I create this ‘not being heared’ by myself by taking away the attention from it.

Also recalling that about a year ago or something, I placed a picture on facebook where a woman gave a comment mentioning that ‘my eyes are laughing but my mouth not’ in a positive way, she liked this expression where for me it was ringing a bell and at the picture I was also keeping a hand for my mouth.

I am not used to express myself within my face and keep my face most of time as neutral as possible. Where I assume this being related to the ‘neutral state’ in/as the subconsciousness within myself. To not show what is going on inside myself. I simply did not learn to express myself through my face and mouth within words, as I did not have a living example in this while growing up. Which is my responsibility to take on within and as myself and practise and develop an expression from/as myself. I practised this within my body within many dancing-lessons through the years and I learned myself to use my eyes and body to express myself. However I was not able to allign my face and voice with this and stopped the dancing-lessons when focussing on other area’s.

A process to be continued and follwoing up with self-forgiveness, as this is a realization coming through that is up to me to bring into practical/physical living, alligned with myself in expression.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

self-forgiveness1 (2)

2012: Quantify Process – Speak Self Forgiveness OUT LOUD

Dutch translation:

Proces van Kwantificeren – Spreek Zelfvergeving LUIDOP (vertaling)

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