Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Uil forgive

Dag 748 – 27. Finding my stability

This blog is related to record 27: Finding my stability

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a worst nightmare scenario to live without having been pregnant and without finding a relationship ‘on time’ to make this this happen and create a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that, because I have a desire or am ‘longing for’ something or experiencing an emotion of sadness of not having it, that I then actually ‘should have had it’ or that I ‘missed’ something, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I prefer/would like and what in self-honesty, is possible and best, is not always the same and so, I have a path to walk and bring the preferences and desires back to myself in a possible way of self-expression, where in I realize that there may and will be periods in it that are not nice, that are difficult and not how I would have wanted it, but that I need to move through breath by breath, holding on to myself within breath and move, and so I will come through by doing so until I will ‘feel better’ again and until I am able to look forward into new area’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘feel good’ every moment and so trying to ‘hold on” to this in/as my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not realistic and not who I am and that it is okay to not feel good, to have difficult moments and periods, that I cannot control how things play out as it is not only me who is involved but always others as well and the world-system that we live in that is not best for all at the moment and so, it will be dificult, I will have to move through things that I ‘don’t want’ or would have wanted differently, also with regards as how I have build up systems within myself that will first come to the surface and give momenst and situations as reflections of a separated way of living, which are by nature ‘painful’ to walk through, because separation as inequality, created within energy in/as the mind, is painful in itself and so stored within my body.

When and as I see myself not feeling well and trying to ‘make myself feel better’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can embrace how I feel at the moment, that the situation I am in, is a situation that I can always use to embrace what comes up in me and see how to stand with myself in it.

I realize that this sounds easy when one is ‘doing well’ and I have seen, realized and understand and still do, how difficult and challenging it is or can be, in moments of ‘not doing well’ as in that moment, it may seem as if my world falls apart, where in I need to realize that the only thing I can really be sure of that will be here, is me, am I, is myself and what I have noticed is that I do best with myself in difficult and very challenging moments, when I am clear on what I have walked and I realize that when there are self-judgements and unclarities coming up, that I have missed moments and points within myself that now come to the surface as separations that I need to forgive and correct within myself so that next time, I will do better, I will consider more and so that I will not create the same painful experiences again, not for myself and not for others as well.

I realize that we walk through our ‘worst nightmare scenario’s’ that we have created in our own mind and the more responsibility I take within this for myself inside, the lesser consequences I will create for myself and so for others as well so I better take responsibility within self-forgiveness for what I find within myself, as this will make it easier eventually, no matter ‘how bad and unforgivable’ it may seem in the moment.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself (as others as well but first myself) to slow down, to really be and become carefull and considererate with myself, with others and with the life within myself and/as others and to keep on exploring and expanding in this as while walking through the layers, the corrections become more subtile and specific yet at the same time, the impact is or can be of huge influence.

I commit myself to push myself to forgive myself the seemingly ‘unforgivable’ as in the core, I will find there a thought that is stored as a ‘flawed believe’ that I then have used as a pattern to start protecting and defending myself to not feel the pain again, which is actually only causing more and more pain, until I really am able to embrace and forgive the core-point and consequences that I then be part of.

I commit myself to keep on considering how everything starts within the very small and that only from the small inside to the big outside, I will be able to change and influence who I am and so, what I will create and so I commit myself to stay consistent in forgiving and correcting the small and subtile within myself, no matter how ‘futile’ it may seem from within my mind.

Previous blog: 26. A worst case scenario

Next blog: 28. Learned a lot


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Uil forgive

Dag 727 – 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

This blog is related to record 14: Examples of trying to make it up

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically step in a relationship through having sex in an early stage and within this, ‘bounding’ myself emotionally to this other one where in I feel like I am already too far in and as if I cannot step back anymore and first investigate what the possibilities are of really stabnding and walking with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am able to have a sexual interaction without having clarity about a commitment towards each other as in a relationship/agreement and so from here, keep on stepping in physically and committing physically in a way, without first investigating the possibilities of standing and walking together and checking our principles, ability and willingness to really stand and walk together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devided within a mind-approach and believing to be able to already physically involve and a physical-being approach where in I look at and investigate all dimensions to possibly stand and walk with another being and look at how another being is willing and able to walk and stand with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the desire to have a relationship and the desire to become pregnant, by stepping in ‘too fast’ and already committing in a way while within common sense, I know there is more time needed to investigate where we both stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something so badly that I am willing to compromise my own standing and integrity that I actually had never developped and so, in a way knowing what to stand for but not being able to really, on all levels, be able to stand and keep standing within my integrity and within principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stranger in my own house when the children of my partner in that time came over for the weekend, as I did not know how to involve with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to involve with my partner and his children coming over and within this, start separating myself from the situation and completely pulling back within myself and within some place in the house that I could find to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become some kind of monster within myself and towards my partner when and as his children came over for the weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything would go better and become more in balance when and as I would have a child of my own within this situation, which may be so in a way, however it is a way of first trying to create a situation in physical reality where in I could have supported myself so much more if and when I had the tools to bring the feelings, emotions, backchat, reactions etc coming up within me – to first or while wwalking bring this back to myself, to also within the moment, make it more comfortable and enjoyable for myself as well as for my partner to walk this path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it very heavy for myself and my partner to walk a certain situation, because of not yet being able to take responsibility for my own feeling, emotions, reactions, backchat etc coming op related to the situation that I and we were living in and through this, putting so much load on the relationship and the situation as a whole that eventually maye have contributed to the ending of the relationship.

When and as I see myself becoming/experiencing myself and the situation with a partner as ‘heavy’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have emotions, feelings, reactions, backchat coming up within me that I do let decide how I experience myself and that from here, is defining who I am within that what I live.

I realize that the emotions, feelings, reactions, backchats, are coming forward out of thoughts and/or a way of trying to control my reality and so, out of trying to wanting a certain outcome, which I can see is related to aspects of my childhood where in I as a child, want a certain outcome, trying to enforce this on/towards my parents.

I realize that a form of control exists as a form of fear of not getting the outcome that I would like to see or desire and then within this an experience as belief that I would/could not exist anymore without this certain outcome.

I realize that within existing in and as fear as control, I speak and behave in a way that is putting a stamp in each situation and interaction and that is triggering others within their experience of control/fear, which is then again triggering my experience of control/fear and so on.

I realize that within contributing to creating this ‘heavy’ atmosphere, I make it more ‘heavy’ (meaning, separating myself from the reality and participants that I am involved in and with) than things need to be within each moment of breathe and that at the moment, I do have the tools to support myself to be stable and bring myself back to stability when and as a form of control/fear comes up.

I commit myself to name the desired outcome and to name the experience of fear of loss in a certain moment of conflict, for and within myself, to stop and to forgive/let go the desired outcome and instead, allow myself to move on and as the pace of my breathing and finding a living word to ‘hold on to’ within a specific moment that I need to bring stability in, within and as myself;

where in I realize that the only real and lasting way to ‘make it up’ within and as myself, is within taking full responsibility for and as myself and for the fear/control as reactions, emotions, feelings, backchat, thoughts that are coming up within and as myself, to not desire a specific outcome as ‘making things up’ for a mistake in the past, but to step by step, moment by moment, forgive and correct the mistakes within and as who I am within each moment of breath in and as a process that I walk from consciousness to awareness.

dak

Previous blog: 13. Trying to make it up

Next blog: 15. The insemination


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 712 – 2. Loosing stability

This blog is related to record 2. Loosing stability

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are partly written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my stability in behalf of fertility as how I am interpreting and living this and within this, loose myself so to speak within thoughts and emotions and compromise myself in activities as a way of trying to ‘live’ the thoughts and ‘test it out’ and so trying to come into calmness again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I miss out on something if I do not follow my mind and thoughts within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should follow my thoughts and live it out so that I will not have missed anything, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I miss myself within blindly believing and following thoughts and ideas that come up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know another way of keeping myself stable than through living it out and through in physicakl reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in comparison with others who are creating a family and within this comparison, loosing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/have felt so lost and unhappy within this comparison where I could not live up towards that what I compared myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live up towards an idea of my myself in/as my own mind an if I will not be able to ‘reach’ this, feeling like I fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself as life completely within an attempt of reaching a goal of giving life to another as in giving birth to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that giving live/birth to child, will make me stand up within and as myself, instead of standing up within myself and taking responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and emotions in every situation that I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, actually ‘wait’ with standing up until a situation will force me to do so as I expect in a situation as giving birth to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired while writing these self-forgiveness and start thinking ‘on the background’ that it is unclear and of no use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the same as the group of friends is doing because they partly walk what I want and at the same time, not want this completely and so, creating a polarity within this and around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself and find some ‘sense’ within my own life and living when I am alone and within nature and as soon as I start interact with ‘friends’ who are within a relationship and getting children, start comparing myself and loosing who I am within and coming home unhappy and dead-tired.

When and as I see myself participating in comparison while being in interaction with others, I stop and breathe. I realize that it does not make sense to compare myself to another and that I do not see a whole picture of what another is actually going through as every one has challenges to walk that are ‘of weight’ for each one. I commit myself to see the trigger-point as a thought within myself that activated the comparison and to stop and forgive this thought/judgement/fear to take of it’s grip of myself. I commit myself to focus on that what I walk within my life and to stop focussing on that what I not walk.

When and as I feel like I miss out on something, I stop and breathe. I realize that within my mind, I think and believe that I should have something or, I realize that I am actually able to do something or stand up for something that I am not yet doing or haven’t done and so, I commit myself to investigate the source of the experience of missing out on something, to forgive ideas and experiences and to look for that what I would like to live and bring into expression.

When and as see myself trying to live up on something that I think I should be able to, I stop and breathe. I realize that here again, I think and believe that I should be able to do something or, that I am not yet doing something (or did not have done something) that I am actually able and willing to bring into expression and so, I commit myself to bring myself into expression within small steps, slowly and day by day without forcing myself with thoughts and ideas about myself in what I should be able to in/as my own mind but more from a starting-point of practical investication of the possibilities within my physical reality and within the physical abilities of myself and so, work with what is here.

Ooievaar23

Previous blog: 1. Introduction

Next blog: to come

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Uil forgive