Dag 821 – The core of my sadness

I was reflecting back – again – on the period of fertility (open link for related blogs) and not having decided to carry through a pregnancy. From where I finally come to the core of all the sadness within myself. The sadness that I projected on this ‘fertility’ process. On the ‘regret’ of how I have walked this period in my life, towards and after having an abortion at my 27th (for those who did not read any blog from me yet, I am 47 now).

What I did see within this as the core of the sadness within myself, is that I did not want it in the way that I was able to in that moment – which is also what I actually decided with and as, towards an abortion. But I did not fully stand within my decision because there were dimensions that I did not really consider at that time. And so I actually started to ‘step back’ of myself, to ‘let myself down’ in a way within my own decision. This due to all the emotional turmoil that did come up within me as a reaction; due to a fear of ‘missing out’ on the opportunity of a pregnancy; due to having my desires not fulfilled; due to not having finished what I started (getting pregnant) but what I actually should not have started at all within that period in my life.

So here I came to the point of admitting to myself of that what I really did and do not like and that did play a role in my actions with regards to the pregnancy: the way how many systems exist within myself and / as within this world (as for example the child-parent relationship within myself and the school system without myself) and how relationships functions in a way that I do not want to participate in. And how this is actually the reason for the deep sadness within me.

This all in the background and not yet having the tools to direct myself within it all, did bring up an experience of depression within me and I feared a postnatal depression as well – which I see as quite possible in that time, due to the situation that I choose to create. I projected the search for my potential of ‘birthing myself as life in the physical’ on ‘giving birth to a child’.

So actually, I did follow up on this ‘path’ of searching for myself in it all by deciding for an abortion, as the only option in that time ‘to stay true to myself’ (as I was not yet having the courage to decide to become a mom anyway, within my utmost potential). This ‘path’ or ‘search’ went on with a lot of distraction, mostly emotional distraction related to this area of relationships, love, sex and fertility. Where eventually I did come to a place where I finally saw things coming together, where I do see the ability to find myself and the confirmation of this possibility as ‘me’, as something that I always ‘felt’ and saw deep within me. Probably we all see and feel this within ourselves in some way – which is our true potential.

So this is my true potential, this ‘looking through’ things and directly see or sense the realness (and so the bullshit as well). But as with all human beings within and as the mind, is the veil set up very delicate so that we tend to get lost in distractions in some area, which in my case was the ‘veil of love‘ and everything related to this. Which made me ‘see’ in a way what is real – or actually to see what is not real – but at the same time I choose to let myself distract in it as well, believing that ‘it should be possible in my way’. Where ‘my way’ did contain a way where I could still place my desires above my self-honesty.

This does not mean that ‘I am not allowed to have any desire’ as within a desire, a true potential may be hidden. However my self-honesty comes first, so that I can lead and direct myself within a desire and find my true potential as that part of me that is still channeled within that desire, in and as the mind. So that I have the strength (as in ‘I can trust my self-honesty’ see previous blog) and patience to stand and keep standing within the point of self-honesty, even and when and as this means that ‘I stand alone’.

I need to be my own reference that I can trust in eternity. And so I did come to live in and as my own worst nightmare, meaning that I needed to let go of that desired outcome, in my case up to the point of accepting that it will not happen in this life-time and guess what – within my own worst nightmare, within this deep dark forest in and as myself – I find myself, my self-honesty, this eternal depth of who I am and who I can stand with into eternity. In and as the principles of life.

So this ‘endless’ sadness that exists within me, I found related to the illusions within how the world (= the human mind) is set up. Where we all have channeled our true potential within our desires, living them out at the cost of life. Imagine if we all do that. If I look directly at what it created as consequences within my own life and how many years I have followed the distractions and how this accumulated; then imagine if we all do that and how this accumulates at large scale, up to the point where we totally loose sight of our self-honesty and how to bring this back to where it belongs: we need to put our self-honesty first and using ‘desires’ to live our utmost potential. Where it actually are not really desires anymore and where it can become a living expression of our uniqueness within.

Even if I do live my self-honesty in many area’s in my life (which I did) but still not in one area (as I did) – I am still fucked and my life is still fucked up and sucked within this one (major) illusion. Where I project all my sadness on this illusion. However the real sadness is valid, because of how I exist within how this world exists. So the only solution is to stop loosing myself in distractions of any kind and start directing myself within and as my core and strength, within and as the power of ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

And this part of me, is never lost and I cannot loose it. The emotional sadness I will be able to stop, when and as I connect with this part, with this strength within and as myself and from here with others within this same point. And then together we look for solutions based on this point of self-honesty, as what is best for all life. Welcome to Desteni.

Because it is Desteni as the group that I recognized as where everything comes together. Without this group, I would not have been able to be who I am now and where I am now. My self-honesty would then probably still have been an undefined potential within me. Yes, I need to walk through desires and challenge myself to walk into this deep dark wood within and as myself. But this group will not ask me to give up my integrity, it simply is not possible, because it is build on integrity, it is set up and exists as Life Integrity Itself, in and as The Principles of Life. So we only encourage ourselves and each other at the same time, to find and live this integrity, as what is best for life as a whole – which obviously, includes the life within and as myself. Where Bernard mentioned sometimes: eventually Desteni becomes your relationship. But I am still figuring out those words.

Looking at it this way, I was quite effective in achieving my goals lol. The misalignment was my starting-point and so that what I initiated, did not keep standing because I could not keep standing or standing up in it. Or simply said: I was not ready to live in a self-honest way that what I initiated (becoming pregnant and a mother) and so the fear took over. In certain time after the abortion, I was not even ready to take care of a cat (I tried for a week) as it overwhelmed me too much; I needed all the attention focused inward myself to sit with myself and my emotions. I was self-honest enough to not be able to build a life on a starting-point of self-dishonesty. But I was not self-honest enough to accept my own self-honesty, to recognize and stand within my own strength: I can trust my self-honesty. And so, whatever I decided back in that days felt like a loss.

And so, back to current time, I am exactly where I need to be as what I created, accepted and allowed, within the strength of guiding myself through the consequences, into and as my true potential. Piecing myself back together, finding the core of my sadness and finding the strength within me to start trusting my self-honesty in every small moment as a ‘strong woman’ and finding the courage to finally finally, start making ‘mistakes’ as a learning-process into the new.

This is me. If I can do it, so can you. Alone yet together.

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De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 802 – Depression and responsibility

I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.

What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.

During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.

Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.

This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.

This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.

Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.

2 days ago:

I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.

Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.

Second morning:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.

This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.

I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.

What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.

So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.

‘Strong’ to be redefined in time to come.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive