Dag 746 – 25. Can a decision be wrong or right?

This blog is related to record 25: Can a decision be wrong or right?

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at decisions or actually ‘choices’ in the past as if it was ‘wrong or right’ where in I then again go into a polarity where in I see that the whole situation is actually not coming from a starting-point of consideration and care of all aspects within myself and so not ‘best for all participants’ so from here, I create a situation where in I need to make a decision that, whatever I ‘choose’ to do, it will have consequences in some way, because my starting-point was not aligned within and as self-care and care for life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘wrong and right’ outcome through already being separated within and as my starting-point when and as I am coming from a point of self-interest, in which I can only exist if and when I have separated myself from myself, from life, from self-care and from care for life as a whole, meaning, when I have separated myself from considering all aspects and participants before moving myself in a certain direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand with myself in where I am at a certain moment within my process and instead, start judging my choices and actions in the past as being ‘right or wrong’ and so, keeping myself within a state of judgement for longer than necessary, instead of immediately going into self-forgiveness and so taking responsibility for myself within the separation that I exist in, in and as the mind in a certain moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and keeping myself victimized, within judging my choices and decisions in the past, instead of using the consequences to face myself from a point of self-support and so, immediate and when I am able to, going into the living of self-forgiveness as an understanding of myself and where I come from and within doing so, I take responsibility for myself within the separation that I exist and existed in – separation in thoughts, words and deeds – and within this expansion of self-responsibility, I create a platform for myself to from now on do it different and with more and more consideration for myself in all aspects and for life as a whole in all aspects.

When and as I see myself going into searching for a ‘wrong or right’ for choices I have made in the past, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I here lengthen my own process as it does not make sense to create a polarity (in judging something as ‘wrong or right’) within myself from what I already existed in as a polarity.

I commit myself to find the point within myself that I did not consider myself in all aspects and life as a whole (or all participants) and where in I have influenced my starting-point into a state of separation as well and I commit myself to be self-honest within this, to face the dark aspects of self-interest, of fear, of protection and defence-mechanism that I have created as a way to try to control my environment and from here, to unconditionally forgive myself and embrace the shame and when I have been able to, to then unconditionally let it go so that I can move on within this new and expanded expression of responsibility within and as myself.

When and as I see myself searching for ‘what to do’ within a decision-making and then looking for what is ‘wrong or right’ in this, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not totally clear within myself on where I stand or that I am not yet able to stand for what I see that is best for myself in all aspects.

I commit myself to embrace myself within the fear and control-mechanisms that I have created and to forgive myself unconditionally in what I see as a ‘weakness’ within me to from here, move through the experiences of fear and control in every day life, step by step, moment by moment and in every moment again, seeing what is best to do, to say or maybe to not do and say and I commit myself to support myself in this through receiving perspectives from others as well, as a support and cross-reference for myself in where I stand.

Previous blog: 24. Expecting another chance

Next blog: 26. A worst nightmare scenario


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Dag 741 – Can I learn to empathize?

Certain people are ‘by nature’ more empathic than others. It can be so because of how one has grown up; it can be pre-programmed. This doesn’t automatically mean that one is doing ‘what is best for all’ as then again, one can be for example ‘over-empathizing’ and forget to take care of oneself.

However, what if you notice that you do not really be emphatic by nature and so, noticing that this has consequences for others and for self as well? What if you ‘don’t feel’ what it means to be empathic, if you do not ‘feel’ what others may need for example and so, easily walk over others without even noticing?

I can start with an example of myself in this. I can say that I am empathic by nature, I also am a female, who often have learned to develop some empathic qualities. However I have also noticed an aspect within myself where I easily and automatically, could let someone ‘drop down’ or ‘fall down’, within the thought/believe that some can or should take care of that aspect within themselves, without looking further within their nature for example and seeing if they may need some support in this.

Within this, I did not ‘feel’ that I ‘wanted to help’, coming from a starting-point that we each should take care of ‘our own business’, as how I have developped this within myself. What I did feel in this, is quilt, for not being helpful enough, for not giving enough, although no one really had said such things to me. It was more existing on a subtile level where I somehow saw that I could do more but I did not (want to) do this and did also not know how to take this on. With the consequence that I also found it more difficult to receive ‘help’ from others as I found that I did not deserve this (because I was not giving it eather).

So this gave a subtile conflict within myself on the background that was interfering within my social interaction and communication in many ways.

I have in real time walked a path to correct this; first with animals, where I for years, have taken care of quinea pigs and rabbits that became older and needed a lot of support where I had ‘to give it my all’ to get them through as long as possible. I also have walked a relationship with someone who needed a lot of support that I ‘did not feel like giving’ and that I actually ‘did not really want’. But, I did, because then I already understood what it means to start walking by principle. Understanding meaning that I understood the theory of this.

With the animals, I had to step out of an experience of feeling paralized and not being able to take action, also related to a limited amount of money to spend for physical support and from here, not knowing where to start when an animal became ill for example. I have walked many situations with these beings and it was amazing to do this. What was supporting me here, is that I did want to do it for the animals as I really and naturally ‘like’ the animals but I had to step over idea’s of ‘how much you spend and do for an animal like a rabbit or a quinea pig’. Strange idea’s, as if these little animals deserve less care than a bigger animal or a human being. But there was also a fear of ‘not having enough for myself’ in this as a point of self-interest existing within me.

Within the relationship, I learned to walk it because I could see the consequences of what would happen if I would not do the best I could and especially I learned how this would reflect back on me within myself, staying busy with doubts and questions about myself, where experiences of guilt were keeping me busy and eventually ending up within the need to ‘go back and correct myself’ and do it over again. We can also call this a ‘timeloop’. I mainly experienced this whole pattern as a ‘fear of loss’ within me and so, the ‘fear of loss’ did have been the motivation to push myself to do better and still does in many moments – to eventually and while doing so, come to a point of creation, free from this experience inside myself.

But, I did not do this because it felt natural or because I naturally wanted this. I did do this because I had learned – while walking this relationship – what it means to walk in principle and I saw I could do better. So I did not need to ‘feel’ it but could make the decision to walk it anyway, to support another (and so myself) where I can within my capacity and of course from a starting-point of common sense,  to not ‘help’ another with things that another need to learn for self but to support where another did not yet have developped an effective application and where I did not have developped this as well and so, ‘supporting another’ was/is the development in itself for myself as self-support.

This is the great thing about principled living, that in the end, the self-support is supporting another and supporting another, is supporting self.

Why am I writing this blog?

To bring forward that if and when we do understand what it means to walk by principle and when and as we have made the decision within ourself to stand by this and do and develop this every day again, that it is possible to learn for example what it means to live ‘empathy’, not because we ‘feel empathy inside ourselves’ and whatever this may mean, but from a starting-point of ‘giving as you would like to receive’ and ‘considering another’ from a starting-point of principled living within equality and oneness, where every living being deserves to be treated with support where needed and where self-honestly possible.

When I had walk through all of this (it took several years all together), I did came back to my self-will about what I want, within my life, within a relationship and with who I want to walk this, while testing what is practically possible and taking the time to see who I am willing to stand by and walk with as myself and who is willing to do the same with me. However I did have to let go of personal preferences for several years, to be able to stand up and keep standing within my utmost potential and the challenges that this gives every day.

So, empathy does not so much contain an experience or a feeling – although it can be a starting-point for those who do experience this naturally. Empathy can be practically learned and applied within a starting-point of principled living as what is best for all. These principles, they can be described, tested and cross-referenced within a self-agreement and from this agreement with and as self, it can be expanded towards an ‘agreement’ with others (family, friends, colleques, intimate relationships), as simply ‘rules’ that are considering all participants in a way that does not leave anyone behind without being heard or seen but at the same time, supporting each other to create a self-responsibility and self-dependency where needed, to be and become able to stand on our own two feet.

There is much more detail to write about this empathy. Here is a link where one can start walking this agreement within and as self, by first understanding the theory of how we actually function as a human being and also a link to a document where the basic-principles are described and commited to stand by. Without this support, I would not have been able to stabilize and grow as how I did so far and I am very much still learning and expanding in this, still with the support that is available within Desteni and that is practical and applyable in our every day live.


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Dag 736 – 18. Using emotional manipulation

This blog is related to record 18: Using emotional manipulation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to affirm the love and trust of another to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the point of responsibility back to myself as if I am only responsible for what I step into, where in I miss the point of responsibility for what my words and actions have as effect on another, using this ‘responsibility that each one has for oneself’ as an excuse as in that ‘this is the responsibility of that other and then that one should have better taken care of oneself’ where in I see that this is a ‘spiritual approach’ where in each is here to learn a lesson or something, instead of working together and considering all as equal as oneself and from here, see how to create a best possible outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one’s so called ‘love’ to fulfill my own desire, instead of supporting another to become more stable in a point of dependency and from here, stand equally together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step in and out someone’s life and starting with an ‘end-goal’ in trying to become pregnant, instead of firstly stand the test of time and see if both are willing and able to stand and walk together during a life time, as a stable platform to consider giving birth to a child and raising it within a starting-point of self-responsibility and so, creating the best possible situation to be an example for the child within and as self-responsibility as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the signs within me that I am not willing to stand the test of time and instead, try to fulfill ‘as soon as possible’ an end-goal, knowing that if it doesnot happen soon, I will not be able and willing to first walk through the difficulties before considering an end-goal as becoming pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I reflect back on it, actually am wondering how I could push this point as how I did, because the point of responsibility and common sense is so far to be searched in it and so, it is obviously that within this one point, I was far far away in an illusional resporduction-programminging in/as the mind.

Here I remember how a therapist in The Netherlands is stating that for ‘nature and the body’, the importance of existance and survival is gone after the fertility has stopped around the age of 44 and the hormonal status slowly starts changing (where he is using this as a frame-work to look at health-conditions in general and how to approach this), which I see reflected in my own mind as how I have lived this out, trying to fulfill this one goal, as if otherwise, it doesnot make sense to exist or something like that.

When and as I see myself participating in an inner experience of state as that ‘it doesnot make sense’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in a survival-programming in/as the mind that is physical integrated within the hormonal-/reproduction-system and so, it seems very real as the only reason to exist, as well on a mental/emotional level as being lived out on a physical level.

I realize that this is a realistic view because it is physical integrated and manifested through time and genration after generation, however it is also a limited view from a starting-point of how we have always existed in/as the mind consciousness system controling this physical existence with our beingness channeled into this limitation.

I realize that this will take time to forgive/understand and change and that this will need some more generations to fully see through and get to the the bottom of, because it is totally integrated within our physical bodies and how we have developped ourselves within, however I (and we) can start now within/as myself to see through and get to the bottom of it by walking through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole.

I commit myself to walk through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within, to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole and to from here, see what effect this will/can have on the physical body and on this physical existence as a whole, for myself in this life and for each other and generations to come, to open up and forgive my/our limitations in/as the accepted and allowed mind-programming and to from here, create a physical existence that actually does make sense, because when and as I/we do exist as life – meaning considering all living beings equal and one – life in itself and it’s expression, is the sense of it, as a practical, physical and living expression of what is best for all, no matter if one is bringing forward life in the form of a new born child or in many other options as a new born creation of our utmost potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to giving birth to a possible new born child than to a new born creation of my utmost potential within the practical possibilities that I have in this physical existence.

When and as I see myself comparing something that I live and eventually create or not live or create, to what another is living and creating, I stop and breathe.

I realize that by comparing myself in any way to another, I am actually already giving more value to that other than to myself in that moment and so there is something that I do not value within myself that I need to investigate for/within myself.

I commit myself to stop my participation in comparison and from here, see what made me do so and what I do not value within myself and I commit myself to understand and forgive that what I do not value within myself, to see if I can actually do better and so need to push and support myself more to bring myself here in expression or that I have a default idea about this something that I compare myself with but that is actually not realistic and from here, I can forgive and let go this idea and bring forward myself in a more aligned self-expression.

When and as I see myself or another, using emotional manipulation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that comparison is playing a role as when and as emotional manipulation is used, this means that there is a self-value missing and instead, the value is placed on something or someone outside self, which gives an experience and status of disempowerment with all kind of possible outflaws and consequenses.

I commit myself to find the point of responsibility that is missed within that moment, within myself and/as/or within another as myself and from here, see how to best support myself and/as/or another as myself, to understand this point of responsibility and so making it possible to within this (self-)understanding and/as (self-)forgiveness, stand up, equal and one within the responsibility that emerges in and as self.

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Previous blog: 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

Next blog: 19. Playing Russian roulette


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Dag 722 – 10. The fruit isn’t really gone

This blog is related to record 10: The fruit isn’t really gone

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I cannot believe what I have done to myself’ by doing this curettage to take out the fruit from my uterus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do something that I did not really/deeply want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I was taking away a beginning of life out of my body and by not really realizing what I was doing, I gave my power, my self-directive power, so my ‘lifeforce’ so to speak, away to reasons, excuses and justifications in/as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel myself more into my mind by giving away my selfdirective power as ‘this is what I want and who I am and what is best for me’ and so for life as a whole, by making decisions that are not considering all dimensions that I am aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore a glimpse of my awareness and within this, give away my strength and my ability to act according to what I am aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my control, my ‘power’ to enforce a decision in/as the mind, to misunderstand and mix this up with ‘what I want’ and ‘what is best for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take control over myself in situations where in I feel like loosing control, meaning like loosing sight because things come forward that I have never walked before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the possibility of taking direction over myself and how I would like to develop a relationship with my child, different than how the relationship between me and my mother had developped and so, because I feared repeating this same pattern again, I could not allow myself to ‘loose control’ so to speak and continue with this pregnancy and so, the best thing that I saw for myself to do was taking control over this situation and stop that what I had initiated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first be content with this decision to stop what I had initiated and to later on, got stuck within this initiation of what I deeply wanted but without considering all dimensions, and after this, stopping what I had initiated because of again, not having considered all dimensions that now came forward within this initiation and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck within the control in/as my mind in moving forward and holding back at the same time, not being able to effectively move myself through this encryption in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to move through this encryption so to speak and take direction within and as myself within a situation that I have initiated.

When and as I see myself deeply wanting something, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I need to investigate all dimensions that I can see are involved so that I can move myself effectively within a direction to create what I deeply want, this in a way of considering all and everything that I can see that is involved.

I commit myself to no longer ignore what I deeply want/would like to create but instead, investigate all the dimensions that I see that are involved and opening up and from here, walk into this creation in a way that is best for all and everyrhing that I can see that is involved and to adapt along the way, when and as I see that this is needed.

I commit myself to allow myself to initiate that what I deeply want in a way of considering the life within, in what is or will be involved, including myself and my own capacity on a physical, mind and beingness level so that I am sure that I am able to stand and keep standing in that what I initiate.

When and as I see or experience myself as ‘being stuck’, within the experience itself or already reflected within and as my physical body in my large intestine, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my physical body, my large intestine is bringing this experience forward, however it doesnot mean that I ‘should stop’ what I have initiated because it can be bringing up old, related memories of fear that I have not yet walked through effectively and so, my mind consciousness system, integrated within my physical body, is bringing up it’s way of control as fear to ‘make myself stop’ as how I have programmed myself in the past. I realize that my mind doesnot say ‘that I should stop’ but it does more point out that I have to look at certain memories that are stored within my physical body.

I commit myself to relook at my initiation and if and when I see that I am sure in it, to look at the physical experience of ‘being stuck’ and see what equation I have created in the past that I need to forgive and change, this because this equation is no longer serving me in and as life  – as how it had served me in a way of ‘protection’ in/as the mind, which is actually a way of control but still, during that time, it served as protection  that is now no longer needed because I have developped more awareness, support and strength within and as myself.

I realize that a change in the outcome, will ask for a change in the equation, otherwise I become ‘stuck again’ within a polarity, within giving myself contradictory messages and so, I commit myself to forgive the old equation that have protected me in the past and from here, change it in a way that it serves myself as life in the outcome that is best for myself and others involved.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘undefined’ fear that I can not really point out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my mind is bringing forward an equation that it now fears to loose, as something that has served as ‘protection’ in the past and so, a part of myself that is channeled and participating in/as the mind, is trying to keep control and protecting itself in this point.

I commit myself to hold myself and to find the equation that is no longer serving me, to name the experience and to forgive myself and to ask for support when I do not really see what equation is coming up so that from here, I can move myself through this accumulated experiences from memories that I have recreated over and over again in the past and from here, change the equation towards principles that support the outcome that is best for all which means principles that support an outcome that is best for myself and others involved, working together in and as life.

Now, Understand that – the Creation of this Reality, in the Form that it now Exist, as Living Words / Living Pictures: took Billions of Years. In those years – the Creator Gods obviously Protected their Trademarks. That means, ‘the How’ they Programmed this. And they Encrypted it, not with 256-bit Encryption – but say with 256 Trillion-bit Encryption on Each Point. They left only One Point open that they couldn’t Encrypt – there was only ONE thing they couldn’t Encrypt, which was: Equality and Oneness as what is Best for all Life. Everything else – they Encrypted.

From: Day 300: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)

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Previous blog: 9. Ignoring some signs within myself

Next blog: 11. Not wanting to repeat a pattern


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Dag 719 – 7. The moment of truth

This blog is related to record 7: The moment of truth

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push away the support that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I listen to the record and see how gentle the support is offered even in a situation that is not optimum or what the other want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how it is for the other to not have any say in the the situation of having the child let to be born or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions for myself from a point of survival in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘myself and the child’ but not the male involved, coming forward out of a situation that is not grounded and build in trust and stability but more used as a way to fulfill a part of my self-interest and even within this, use ‘how it would be for the child’ as an excuse to not really consider myself deep within, same as how I am really not considering another as self deep within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first set something into motion as that I want deep within, without considering everything and everyone involved and see how ‘that what I want/would like’, how I will be able to slowly build this in consideration of everything that is involved but instead, when I have is set in motion and created into physical reality, see the consequenses of what I have created and from here, pull back, not being willing or knowing how to to push through and walk into reality with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to support myself in a constructive way within the physical consequenses that I have set in motion and from here, pull back as the only way that I see as solution that I am able to live and so go from ‘willing’ to ‘not willing’ anymore to move on with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself, others and life itself by first setting something into motion, create a spark of life into physical reality and then pull back, when and as I see everything that is involved that I have not considered on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of ‘amputate’ a part of myself within myself as not continuing with ‘that what I really want’, within and as the belief ‘that I cannot do that’, where in I actually and simply have not considered all and everything that is involved on forehand and so, I may be able to ‘do that’ if and when I start considering myself as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘amputate everything’ because my starting-point was not in consideration of myself as a whole as what is best for all, myself included and instead of then continue walking with what I have created already and change this into a situation in a best possible way, thinking and believing that I need to ‘stop it all’, to ‘delete it all’ and ‘make it away’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear and within this, disappear within myself, in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience – in a way where I ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’ – as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear, instead of bringing the experience of resistance back to myself, investigate the origin and forgive myself for separating myself from the origin within and as myself.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency to ‘amputate’ or stop or ‘make away’ something that I started that I then see later is not best for all, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we create a lot from a starting-point that is not yet best for all, in consideration of ourselves and life as a whole, because we have programmed and been programmed in a way of self-interest and it takes time to walk this back, to forgive and change ourselves in this and where in the physical consequenses that we create, shows us where we are not aligned with ourselves as life as a whole, with our ‘integrity’ as life. I realize that this doesnot mean that i need to ‘amputate’ everything and that part of myself but that it actually means that I need to embrace, understand and forgive myself for that part of/as myself.

I commit myself to embrace, understand and forgive myself for something that I create and set in motion that appears to not have been created from a starting-point of myself in my integrity as life as a whole, in consideration of others as life involved and I commit myself to from here, see how I can change this consequense as creation in a way that is now supporting life and considering the life and/as myself as a whole – meaning considering all aspects within me that I see related and moving within.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the resistance that I experience is showing me a part of myself that I have separated myself from in a moment of ‘loosing control’ somewhere in my life and so, it is showing me ‘where I need to be’; so pushing it away is not a solution. I realize that an experience of resistance in/as the mind, is more a distraction as a temptation of myself in programming, to not see beyond this programming so it is ‘a program protecting itself’. I realize that this program is not really me, but within the program, I have channeled a part of me, of myself as a being and so, I need to bring myself back here towards and within a starting-point of self-direction.

I commit myself to support myself to find, name and forgive the thought as control-mechanism within and as myself myself and to name and forgive myself for participating in the activated energies as related feelings and emotions coming up.

I commit myself to use my body as a point of support and cross-reference for this process while laying down and gently pushing on places within my body that are constricted and that are coming forward – where in my body brings up that what I have missed from/within myself – and here sounding self-forgiveness on thoughts and emotions that come up, without trying to ‘relate to it’ immediately, as I have seen that ‘the sense in it’ will come forward sooner or later, while or after I am supporting my body to release the stored energy.

I commit myself to support my body to support me, through every day taking some time to focus on only breathing within and as my physical body and to continue doing so, no matter if I will be distracted very fast or if it will be long or short, I will do it again and again.

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Previous blog: 6. Decision in a split second

Next blog: 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Dag 716 – 4. Understanding the obsession

This blog is related to record 4: Understanding the obsession

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see realize and understand how ‘a biological clock ticking’ consists of an obsession but more believe that it is real and that it is okay to live this out because it is part of myself (as a biological programming as a human in/as a female body but that I was not aware of during that time).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to live out a part of my biological programming without considering that this programming is not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse my obsessive behaviour with the fact that the ‘biological clock’ – as a limited period of time where in reproduction is possible – is part of how the human physical body is functioning in it’s part of reproduction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to become obsessive because of not taking responsibility for my thoughts, emotions and feelings that are related coming up to relationships and reproduction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of my thoughts, emotions and feelings coming up within me, related to relationships and reproduction, to actually ‘follow up’ these thoughts, emotions and feelings with actions without considering that what I am following up on in myself, is not really who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely scare myself and create panic within believing that I should have a child and for having a child, I need a relationship and if I cannot find a relationship, then I should look for other ways to have and raise a child of myself and so within this belief, not taking responsibility for this belief in itself and for who I am within and thus, creating and participating in, living in and as this obsession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an obsession of myself and my life without really, seeing, realizingnand understanding what I am doing to myself as life and life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen the reproduction cycle clearly for what it is as a  practical and physical system of bringing forward life which brings a huge responsibility to educate and walk with this new life until it is able to stand in and as itself as a responsible, living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have approached the bringing forward of a new life without seeing the total responsibility in it but more have experienced it as ‘something that I would like to experience’ and so, from a starting-point of self-interest to feed myself from with experiences, which in itself is what an obsession is: longing for an experience with the purpose of wanting to experience the fulfillment of the experience itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the cycle of reprodution is what ‘life’ is about and what ‘life’ is, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that the reproduction system and the cycle that it is functioning in and as, is the system that brings forward new life but it is not ‘life’ itself.

When and as I see myself having a desire and see myself ‘longing for an experiemce, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have channeled a part of myself in this desire in and as the furure as something that I need to reach and ‘reach out for’ and because of channeling myself in this desire (in the future, because a desire is projected in the future), I am not completely here within and as myself and so, I am missing a part of myself where in I actually ‘desire’ this part of myself in a way to become whole with, or I am ‘longing for’ this part of myself to unite myself with and as and because it is channeled in a particular thought or experience, created as an projected idea in the future, I follow this desire.

I commit myself to forgive myself for misunderstanding my motivation for my ‘desire’ and the energetic experiences that I generate out of this projected idea as desire.

I commit myself to stop the ‘obsession of longing for an experience of wanting to experience the fulfillment of the experience itself. I commit myself to take responsibility for what I desire and to see what I have projected that is real as ‘me’ within this desire and bring myself back here.

I commit myself to support myself with bringing myself back here with the support of finding a word that I can live here as myself in the moment.

I commit myself to redefine the word desire and make it a word that contains a practical self-support.

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Previous blog: 3. Obsession

Next blog: 4. Menstruation cycle


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

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Continuing on: Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid an experience of loosing in small events and conversations and here suppress myself in this experience and at the same time, because of avoiding to experience ‘to loose’, automatically try to win and ‘feel better’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to irritate myself when and as I notice another in conversation with me ‘trying to win’ without looking in my own experiences and what I am actually doing here myself which colours my observation around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot reach a dimension of this winning and loosing and the pain that I caused myself within participation in this polarity within myself and here more being on the surface of it within an uncomfortable experience of seduced emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to not experience the pain that I cause to myself from participating in the polarity of winning and loosing.

Can I name the experience here?

Being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my being by suppressing how I really experinec myself and instead of supporting myself and name the experience, forgive myself for the participation and believe in it and see what makes me feel like this, suppressing this within myself and my physical body and so, creating physical consequenses for myself from where I recreate the experiences and so the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when I notice another in conversation with me is not really listening but in my eyes trying to ‘win’ my attention for their own words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a battle for attention for words that are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of ‘always listening’ to the words of another who from my perspective, do not give any attention to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another does intentional not listen to my words, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that another might not even be aware of the inequality within the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because my experiences of not being listened to and not being noticed are so obvious for myself, that another is also noticing this but delibrately ignoring it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the other does not see what is going on inside myself and because I am suppressing it, it is not visible eather for the physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should get space from another to express myself as how I give another space to express themselves by listening and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to receive what I give, which is not unconditionally giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like with this giving, ‘emptying’ myself and labeling this as a ‘bad’ thing from where I now realize that what I experience as emptying myself, might not be ‘bad’ in itself but my interpretation of it might be misformed and so I misinforme myself with information from what I experience, so from my emotions that I believe and take for real as ‘this is who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinform myself by believing my own experiences/emotions as this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this ‘emptying myself’ is also an experience and so contained of negative emotional energie, based on misinformation as thoughts and believes as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own being while at the same time I am aware of myself.

I see now in the word ‘being’ that this is who I am, ‘be’ and as I define myself as ‘being something’ this is how I label my own ‘being’ as who I am and funny enough even the beginning of my own name is in it as ‘be ing(rid) which in itself also includes ‘be in grid’ as in the grid-lines and so within this letters I see a movement from ‘being in the gridlines’ to my ‘being’ does not mean to ‘delete completely who I am’ but more embracing and changing who I am’ by moving myself to and as my being.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘being ignored’ and from here, of loosing while i am in a conversation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in my mind in polarity, trying to make myself more (important) than the other to ‘become equal’ to each other, instead coming to a point of equality first within and as myself by stopping the participation within the experiences of winning and loosing as a way of control.

I realize that I try to control by trying to win (attention) and I realize that I feel like loosing (control) if I am not ‘being attended’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within conversation, expect to be first be attended by another to be heared, instead of attend myself and from here, express myself.

I realize that this is used as some kind of suppression to children that they are not allowed to speak when the adults does not give the persmission to do so, which I may even have copied as a pattern from a parent to whom this is used and which is in a form of suppression moved into the children as I did not see this pattern consciously affirmed and lived by my parents but sub- and maybe unconsiously, it was playing a role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy, believe and follow suppressed/hidden patterns without investigating for and within myself what the consequenses are of doing so.

I commit myself to allow myself to loose (control) within a conversation and to breathe and listen and also listening to myself within the reactions/experiences that are coming up.

I realize that because I am participating in experiences, I am waiting for myself to express myself as while I am in experiences, I am not able to express myself effectively and so, I commit myself to express myself to myself within and as the application of some self-forgiveness for the experiences that I separate myself within from where I create distance within and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for constant attention myself to create a better feeling about myself which I do not show but hide within myself, as a way of controling the situation and being able to ‘play it out’ in a form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within conversation where I experience an unability to express myself and project this towards the conversationpartner within hidden blame, which in itself makes it more difficult to express myself and where I even do not want to express myself anymore out of blame which is actually a form of revenche, where in I am actually secretely creating an experience of ‘winning’ within myself that I do not openly show and here, I keep control within and as my mind as being ‘the best’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be the best, instead of being and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be the best to make sense and that it doesn’t matter if I am not here as the best, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it is about being/becoming the best version of myself and not so much in comparisson to others as it is not possible to be better or less than others because I am not them and they are not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with myself and blame myself when and as I am not living the best version of and as myself, instead of seeing where I can support myself and move and guide myself within the best I can in any given situation/moment that I am capable of at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be better than I am/am capable of from expectations in my own mind to get attention from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get more attention if I do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all kind of expectations towards myself and from here, towards another and judge/blame myself (and/or another) if I and/or another do not live up to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear for my own projected reactions within myself from creating judgements as thoughts as expectations to live up to and from here, creating unnecessary conflict, within and without and then also, when there is a ‘conflict’ necessary to bring change, experience fear as judgement of conflict in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself created from my own fear (as thoughts as judgements).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up disappointment within myself that I experience as a ‘hate’ towards myself as accumulated points that I did not take responsibility for which I experience as a sickness in the midst of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself, to not stand within an appointment of equality and oneness within and as myself but allowed myself to go into a battle that I do not even like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like battles and games but do participate in it every day despite myself and/as my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my integrity in/as myself by participating in battles and competition in/as the mind, looking for attention as energy.

I realize that I am not able to express myself in certain situations because I participate in judgements as thoughts (=fear) and so in conflict as separation within myself.

I commit myself to be and become aware of the conflict that I participate in within myself within the small conversations with people that I do not generally feel comfortable with to express myself and here give the attention to myself that I need as support and guidance to eventually come to self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my own attention is not enough and that need attention from others outside myself.

When and as I see myself looking for attention to fill myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in my mind, looking for something (or someone) to complete me with thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of that I bring myself to a point of nothingness and forgive myself specificely for participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I realize that I have learned to constantly generate energy to ‘fill’ myself with from the participation in thoughts and from here, in feelings and emotions to keep myself alive in/as the mind as how I know myself.

I commit myself to breathe in the experience of loosing (a part of) myself that comes up when I stop myself participating in this ‘looking for attention’ to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and here, to let go.

To be continued.

I realize that it may look like random self-forgiveness on points that come up that I have manifested as a structure within and as myself and/as my physical body. Here I walk around a point, looking for a ‘way in’ and taking bits and bites from the surface layers here and there to in this way slowly break down the patterns and step by step coming more to the core of it.

Here I do not ‘wait’ until I see ‘the whole thing’ but start with what is coming up and from here, walk with it. This  is what may make the self-forgiveness seem a bit (or a lot) incoherent. What I also notice is that during and after the writing, the patterns open up more while doing the daily activities where I apply self-forgiveness in speaking.

I often come during the writing and speaking (and doing the daily activities here and there in the house in between), to a moment where I ‘suddenly hit’ the point that was bothering me the most at that time, where it releases physically in letting out the emotion via some tears which results at the same time in a diminishment of the physical strain that is prominent in that moment/during that day. Which is a (physical) proof for myself that I brought myself to the release of a small peace of the structure and so, applied myself in self-honesty in relation to (a piece of) this point and structure.

wheredoyoustart

Video 2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness?

WAAR BEGIN IK met Zelfvergeving? (vertaling)

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Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
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Uil forgive