Dag 799 – Self-support on the experience of “being tired of everything”

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There is something underneath within me for a long time; an experience of ‘being tired of everything’. I wanted to change it into ‘feeling tired’ but how I experience it is like ‘being tired’. Which I do see as not so favorable because my being is in this as ‘being tired’ and I have developed related physical symptoms so I see it actually becoming a ‘manifestation’.

It is getting less than it was years before, where I almost was consumed by this experience. However I still see, feel and experience it within me, almost as a ‘second skin’ but also as a memory; meaning it is always here and with me.

What I am most tired of and by is of my own physical struggles, cramps, pains, discomforts. Also seeing things that I would like to accomplish but that I then look up to like a mountain, because of the physical labour that needs to be done and especially my own experience of tiredness and discomfort within it or, a fear of this on forehand.

I do experience it within my organs and I have the information (for context read the blog) – via an individualized interview through the portal – that my mind consciousness energy is ‘traveling’ through my organs and not through the muscle energy highways as how is most common. My muscles feel indeed fine and from the perspective of my muscles, I can even look forward to the labour; I like the movements and effect on my muscles. When I look at my organs and especially my large intestine, I feel an incredible tiredness in it from myself and a giving up; like ‘I don’t have it in me anymore, I cannot find the strength within me to push through’.

I am sitting here on the first day of my menstruation, which is something that I am also tired of. I am 45 – almost 46 – and I find it enough.

I still do not know how to ‘relax’ within these organs, mostly my large intestine, ovaries and uterus but also bladder and I feel a sadness on my heart. My liver is still ‘motivated’ and like ‘pushing the others’ to keep going. There is an ongoing tension in it from my own mind consciousness energy as a pressure on my organs.

This is not okay and I would like to change this. I own it to my organs, I own it to myself and so to others as life as well, as I do have a reasonable ‘good life’ so to speak with opportunities that relatively very little people have at the moment here on earth. My organs did adapt to the way my mcs is set up within my physical body, however I find I let too much ‘on them’ to take care of, as if I am not fully here to support and direct myself. I know this is not a job done in a moment. I will open it up with self-forgiveness on the experiences within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy instead of on myself and let energy get the best of me within emotions and feelings letting direct myself on a subtle level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my organs do the work, ‘catch me’ in a way to signal me that I am slipping off too much, not catching myself soon enough in the small moments, subtle thoughts and allowing of the lingering in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to linger in the mind even when I notice that I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can give up, that it does make sense to give up, instead of supporting myself in that moment, to stop the lingering within my mind and slow down, to release the energy and look for a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly endowed’ by having this specific set up where my mind consciousness energy moves through my organs instead of my muscles, where in I know and even am aware, that it is a gift in disguise because of my early awareness of my emotions and the effect of it within me however, I still linger in a form of victimization in it that I see now as an excuse for myself to not take the next step in pushing myself towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the next step towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly judged’ as how I firstly translated ‘wrongly endowed’ for myself; which is so in a way because of me not clearly expressing myself and not having been able to do so in the past, which indeed gives a misjudgement of myself, by myself and by others as well, following that what I express myself in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself in an incomplete way and for this, following up on myself in this incomplete, incompetent way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my incomplete and limited expression gives an incomplete presence of myself in who I potentially am able to be and by bringing it into reality in this way, my environment respons to this in the same incomplete way and so I ‘set up’ myself in a constricted and incomplete reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then manifest this constricted expression and reality into my organs and especially my large intestine who is constricting and wanting to hold on information that is not yet fully expressed as what is best for myself but that I wanted to release already and so, I am creating a conflict within and as myself, reflecting within my organs and visible for myself in my large intestine as an ongoing cramping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to completely and unlimited express myself as what is best for myself (and so in consideration of the effect being best for all).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find the strength in myself to push through, that I do not have it in me anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in small moments and to not even want to start, at whatever, at very small physical tasks and movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to sit and rest but I do not rest in this, as I even more find ‘rest’ inside in a slow and consistent movement of doing what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ as if I as my being am tired myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have channeled my being into this experience, into all the emotions and feelings to generate an energetic experience, thinking and believing that these experience are ‘making myself feeling alive’ and so loosing myself as life as ‘beingness’ within this, wherein I am not really lost or gone, but more channeled (by myself) within energy and so wasting or ‘burning the best of me’ so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘tired of myself’ in a way as a tiredness of what I am doing to myself and by myself on a daily base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already want to give up on my self-commitment and experience a fear of ‘not committing’ and so, thinking and believing that I better not write the commitment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is exactly the lack of expression, the incomplete expression within and as myself as a ‘loop’ where in I hold myself constricted, of not starting because of fearing that I will not commit to my own commitments and so instead ‘committing as a ‘holding on’ to a fear of failure.

As a start for myself for coming week:

When and as I see myself lingering in my mind and thinking about all the things that need to be done, I stop and breath. I realize that I generate energy in this as for example an experience of ‘giving up’ and so weakening my physical body and putting pressure on my organs because of the emotional energy that I generate within this on a subtle level and I realize that I accumulate the experience in all these small moments of lingering. I commit myself to ‘catch’ myself in the small moments of not wanting to pick up on things, to stop, to breathe for a moment and then moving myself in the small physical action that needs to be done and so move myself from action to action and within this, accumulate the physical action and satisfaction within and as myself.

A process of self-expression and physical action to be continued.

desteniartists.blogspots.com

Nice post from Kim about self-support in the small moments.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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