Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself

I was reading this blog of Marlen about her early stages of pregnancy and a few words stroke me with regards to my own process (in the past but also present in a way):

 (…) And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, (…)

Here I finally came to defining what did bring me within myself to make a decision towards an abortion, now almost 20 years ago. I have written a whole blogserie with sound cloud recordings about it and mostly processed everything involved, however I noticed that it still did come up in a way with experiences of regret and a lack of self-understanding in some dimension of it. I was thinking if it perhaps was related to the pre-menopause that I feel that I am physically entering, however then still it did not make really sense to me, as if it would ‘never go away’.

Her words in the blog of ‘it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ – here I saw directly within me, it was the worst of me that said ‘no’ and from here, I had locked myself in at the age of 28, exactly as how we were pre-programmed. And from here on, I have seen myself living the worst of me in this area, until last year where I had to force myself to step out of it, out of a relationship where in as well my ex as I, were more and more living the worst of ourselves. He more in actions, me more in accepting and allowing (that’s another topic worth for a blog – the role of accepting and allowing and what this means). Here I received the words from my own beingness as support:

“Allow yourself to cry and let go because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”.

From the age of 16, I have actually felt more conscious this ‘heavy, dark, thing’ inside me and here at my 16th it is were I started to ‘kill the life in me’ in a way as tending to become anorectic. And so I walked on this edge for years, not falling into the valley, but walking on the edge, every time going to hit the confrontation but not crossing the line in a way were I would loose myself completely (this ‘not loosing myself’ is probably related to how my physical body and mind within is set up – see blog – where I early became aware of my emotional state through the effect on my organs).

However within this pattern, I was kind of lost anyway, in the sense that I was not able to really change in it all. And this is what I define as the worst in me, this destruction where in I literally kill the life in different forms, or perhaps better described as to ‘nip life in the bud‘ (het leven in de kiem smoren – Dutch) and / or at least have the tendency to do this. I now do understand why I had such a prominent reflection of self-destruction in this last partnership, where every potential of growth would almost immediately be destroyed after the first blooming.

This ‘killing the life within me’ I need to have a deeper look at. It seems like a religious pre-programming that I tend to live out within suppression, within my own physical body mostly, through acceptance and allowance. And a child would bring out all of this what I suppressed – including all my self-interests and/as a fear of ‘not finding this so called ‘loved one’ – and I knew this and also knew that I did not yet have the tools to support myself effectively within it all and so, what then probably should happened, is that I transferred it towards the child; because, I was afraid to stand up and stand my ground in many ways. Which I wanted to prevent and so, I prevented this by the decision for an abortion.

This sounds nobel, however in the core, I was killing an opportunity to let come forward the best of me as well, to move through and go beyond all the fears and self-limitations. And this I felt reflected – already from the beginning that I find out that I was pregnant – in the fact that deeply within me, I would have wanted to give birth to this child. I will never know how I would have managed or not. Probably I would not have lived my best then either, because as I said, I did not yet have the tools to effectively support myself to do so. So it was a choice within two compromised scenario’s and that had to do with my starting-point in how I did become pregnant and who I was in it back then – all described in the mentioned blog-serie with sound cloud and specifically in this blog.

It is now since a year that I finally gain weight in a very natural way and even without someone really noticing is, as it comes in all parts of my body and I see for myself that I now have this body that belongs to me, my constitution in a way, as I recognize it from before my 16th. I knew and felt that I was slightly underweight for years, however I could not bring myself back to my more physical and natural state on long term. Interestingly enough it was in this last relationship that I learned from my ex to ‘eat again’, however there was way too much stress and so only when being and living alone again, I now had this reference to eat and I kept eating in this way and with the reduce of the stress and the process of letting go of the worst of me, I naturally gain some weight, I assume something between 3-5 kilo, which is quite a lot for my posture and really makes a difference in my physical well-being.

Another point of cross-reference that came up after this realization today, is that I immediately and finally can make peace with the leaving of a friend years ago. I was not fighting it, however still reacting inside myself to her decision and with this defining of the worst of me, this dark, heavy thing, I see now that underneath everything, I am quite sure that this is what she walked away from. Anyway it is not up to me to discuss her motivations, but within me it becomes quiet with regards to this event.

When looking back at my life in this area, I feel compassion for myself in how awful, how horrid this all was, this deep dark heavy thing as a red line throughout my life and that showed mostly it’s face with regards to intimate relationships and fertility, but in general it was something always underlying and in the background; but elusive at the same time. (I see now that this also needs a blog by itself about this dark heavy thing and what I was searching for.) If I scroll through the mentioned and related blog-serie, it is like a long compromising path, as a never ending nightmare that I do not recommend anyone to live.

However, it did keep me searching for solutions, the ‘full moon‘ in me did keep shining and I have not given up on this and so I have not given up on myself within this, although I have been close to giving up several times – where exactly in those moments, when sitting down and not knowing what to do anymore, I found support in some alternative way or pushed myself to find it – and ofcourse lived many experiences of ‘giving up’ in small and large moments. This dark heavy undercurrent and the – for myself noticeable – effect of my mind on my physical body, is what brought me to the living principles in my life, to the study of natural medicine, to all the alternative ways of support, to supportive friendships and interactions and eventually to Desteni.

I have missed the opportunity to find myself in the years of fertility and so, to give birth to another life / beingness and this gives a point of regret in an irreversible way; it is the reality of myself and a reflection of the current state of the world as well.

But; I have still years before me to birth myself as life from the physical and to open up and strengthen a connection between my beingness and my physical body, while still walking through my own created mind-patterns and accepted and allowed programmings. I have years before me to let go of the worst of me, to recognize when I tend to enter this, to see where and how I have suppressed all of this and to make the decision to now change towards living my utmost potential. And I have years before me to walk this in mutual support within Desteni and within this world and my living environment and with the people and animals around me.

Only when facing, recognizing / understanding / forgiving and defining this worst in myself, I will be able to let it go. Here we have a groupchat on this topic as well.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 748 – 27. Finding my stability

This blog is related to record 27: Finding my stability

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a worst nightmare scenario to live without having been pregnant and without finding a relationship ‘on time’ to make this this happen and create a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that, because I have a desire or am ‘longing for’ something or experiencing an emotion of sadness of not having it, that I then actually ‘should have had it’ or that I ‘missed’ something, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I prefer/would like and what in self-honesty, is possible and best, is not always the same and so, I have a path to walk and bring the preferences and desires back to myself in a possible way of self-expression, where in I realize that there may and will be periods in it that are not nice, that are difficult and not how I would have wanted it, but that I need to move through breath by breath, holding on to myself within breath and move, and so I will come through by doing so until I will ‘feel better’ again and until I am able to look forward into new area’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘feel good’ every moment and so trying to ‘hold on” to this in/as my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not realistic and not who I am and that it is okay to not feel good, to have difficult moments and periods, that I cannot control how things play out as it is not only me who is involved but always others as well and the world-system that we live in that is not best for all at the moment and so, it will be dificult, I will have to move through things that I ‘don’t want’ or would have wanted differently, also with regards as how I have build up systems within myself that will first come to the surface and give momenst and situations as reflections of a separated way of living, which are by nature ‘painful’ to walk through, because separation as inequality, created within energy in/as the mind, is painful in itself and so stored within my body.

When and as I see myself not feeling well and trying to ‘make myself feel better’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can embrace how I feel at the moment, that the situation I am in, is a situation that I can always use to embrace what comes up in me and see how to stand with myself in it.

I realize that this sounds easy when one is ‘doing well’ and I have seen, realized and understand and still do, how difficult and challenging it is or can be, in moments of ‘not doing well’ as in that moment, it may seem as if my world falls apart, where in I need to realize that the only thing I can really be sure of that will be here, is me, am I, is myself and what I have noticed is that I do best with myself in difficult and very challenging moments, when I am clear on what I have walked and I realize that when there are self-judgements and unclarities coming up, that I have missed moments and points within myself that now come to the surface as separations that I need to forgive and correct within myself so that next time, I will do better, I will consider more and so that I will not create the same painful experiences again, not for myself and not for others as well.

I realize that we walk through our ‘worst nightmare scenario’s’ that we have created in our own mind and the more responsibility I take within this for myself inside, the lesser consequences I will create for myself and so for others as well so I better take responsibility within self-forgiveness for what I find within myself, as this will make it easier eventually, no matter ‘how bad and unforgivable’ it may seem in the moment.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself (as others as well but first myself) to slow down, to really be and become carefull and considererate with myself, with others and with the life within myself and/as others and to keep on exploring and expanding in this as while walking through the layers, the corrections become more subtile and specific yet at the same time, the impact is or can be of huge influence.

I commit myself to push myself to forgive myself the seemingly ‘unforgivable’ as in the core, I will find there a thought that is stored as a ‘flawed believe’ that I then have used as a pattern to start protecting and defending myself to not feel the pain again, which is actually only causing more and more pain, until I really am able to embrace and forgive the core-point and consequences that I then be part of.

I commit myself to keep on considering how everything starts within the very small and that only from the small inside to the big outside, I will be able to change and influence who I am and so, what I will create and so I commit myself to stay consistent in forgiving and correcting the small and subtile within myself, no matter how ‘futile’ it may seem from within my mind.

Previous blog: 26. A worst case scenario

Next blog: 28. Learned a lot


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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 594 – The body-being-mind relationship – The need for specifity on a physical level

The-ColonAt the moment, my large intestine is very much cramped. I am investigating what thought-patterns and emotional reactions I find related to and within this, as I see these of influence on the vegetative nerve-system through which I put pressure and constrictions on and within the intestine. I am not yet clear on how and what specific influence is happening here and will keep on investigating this inside myself. What I at the moment want to write about is the food.

Already for a while, I notice that my food is pretty aligned with my body in general, but there are specific influences that I could not get sight on. So every day I notice some small triggers within my food and also a combination of food that is ‘too much’ to digest. Because my intestine had already become stronger through the last few years, my body could more or less handle this. Now, with changing the living situation (from living alone to living together) and I assume, with the mind more integrated within and as the physical and the start of walking the quantum mind / quantum physical, I am coming into a new layer within myself. The layer within my body, within my intestine that I always notice on the background, where in I am feeling so much tiredness. Tiredness of myself and my body within this constriction, deep within myself/my physical body that I notice within the condition of a spastic colon. Deep within myself, I am (mentally and physically manifested) in a state of control, spastic.

So, looking at the necessity of becoming more specific within the application of self-forgiveness on the thoughts, emotions (and feelings), I see that I also need to apply this with the food I take. I did not use a specific guideline in relation to this condition. I am eating pretty much as how it is mentioned within the blood-type diet (blood-type A) and also as how some tests with bio-resonance are showing, where in it seemed that my food was still ‘quite okay’. However, I notice that it is not. It is not specific enough ‘okay’. If I need to be very specific within taking on my mind-system, then I also need at the moment to be very specific with the food I take in because as mentioned in the previous blog, my body/intestine has become sensitive to thoughts and emotions and also to food.

For the last few weeks/months, I saw myself taking in the food in some kind of hurry and I noticed some enslavement involved that I did not want to investigate, meaning I did not want to take a more specific look towards/within the food I take. I have a collegue who is very specific with food and with the care-taking of her body. So, now my condition had become very bad, meaning a very much constricted large intestine and no longer being able to release myself from the waste in an acceptable way, I discussed this with her, as she had already mentioned before a food-approach that is coming from Australia and that is applied within the condition of IBS/Irritable Bowel Syndrome where in the results are quite well.

I investigate this aproach and make the decision to start following this/testing this out. It is not so much different as how I am already eating, it is only more specific and coming from a different approach that is specific related to this sensitive bowel condition. While reading the guidelines, I see confirmed what I already noticed within myself when taking in some food, however I did not understand how and why I should react to this specific food so I kept on taking it in. Here it becomes clear to me every time how important it is and how it is of much support – to have information as a kind of frame to place our own physical investigations within.

Because and as long as I am interfearing in/as the mind within myself, I am not (yet?) able to really see and understand what it is that I experience, I am missing the frame, the context as certainty and so, I am not able to apply it effectively only by myself alone. Here it is clear how it is of so much importance to have much more context with regards to our own health. Context that is already available, but only for a very small group who has money and access within this area of the ‘natural healthcare’. The general public health service is not giving this context, it is very limited at the moment and so, it is very difficult for most human beings to get grip and sight on the health of their own physical body. But this is another subject on itself.

So, I have a context and guideline now to follow and I will start very specific applying this guideline. As specific as I have not yet done before. Until I see now, as mentioned above: if the mind is specificly programmed (in and as the (allowance of) myself) and if my body is sensitive for these specifities, then from a point of common sense I can conclude that my body is also specificely sensitive to food. As confirmed with information and physical test-cases within different physical applications that are used in relation to several bowel conditions.

I notice that I experience fear within myself to do so, which I see related to seeing/walking paste my comfortzone as how I know myself within my own mind-consciousness system, into a new area of/within myself, where it is as if I as my whole mind-consciousness-system is putting it’s ‘heals in the sand’ which gives this very tied constriction within my physical body, from neck to tale, with cramping consequenses for the intestine. I experience a fear of failure: what if this more specific application will not be of support, what if it will not work out? The ‘what if’ fear that I participate very much in, in relation to this physical condition. And that is something to walk within the application of self-forgiveness and self-corrections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘what if my large intestine is always cramped like this and what if I am not able to release myself anymore?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘what if the poo is not coming out’?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the situation will always be like in the worst moments/days and within this, I participate in fear instead of supporting myself effectively within these ‘worst’ days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the worst days will alway long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on continuing participating in ‘worst case scenario’s’ in relation to my physical condition because and when I do not see a long term solution in/as the mind, instead of supporting myself physically breath by breathe, moment by moment and focus on who I am within this condition, towards and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the small moments of support will not make a difference because I am already so long ‘busy’ with this condition that I expect a ‘miracle change’ in one day or nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still expect one big moment of change and if this is not coming, I expect it to ‘not work out’, instead of learning to trust myself in every breath and walk it moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I do not see an immediate solution and total understanding of my physical condition, I think and believe that I will ‘never get there’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience panic within and as myself when and as I am not able to release myself effectively from the physical waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the result as ‘being free of crampings and having a comfortable release-pattern of the waste of my physical body’, instead of focussing on who I am in relation to myself within this physical condition.

When and as I see myself participating in the thought ‘what if my intestine is always cramped?’, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is not effective in and as support for myself and/as physical body and it doesnot make any sense as it only brings more pressure/constrictions in/as the mind, in and on myself. I commit myself to stop participating in the thought ‘what if my intestine is always cramped’. If and when I do not know what to do in such moment, I focus on my breathing and see how I can make it as comfortable as possible within that moment in a physical position where in I do not feel the pressure all the time and so, do not stress myself out but instead, focus on the relaxation position that I place myself in. If this is not an option because of being for example at work, I will support myself to  focus on stopping the participation in thoughts about the condition and slow down physically while I continue with my work.

When and as I see myself participating in the thought ‘what if I am not able to release myself anymore?’, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is unlikely that I wil not be able to release myself anymore and I realize that I have build a constriction over time and so, it takes time to walk through the consequence/walk it back to where it started. I commit myself to stop participating in the thought ‘what if I am not able to release myself anymore’ and to focus on my breathing until the experience of panic becomes less, which is most of time related to a specific point/place within my intestine where I stored some experiences that I experience/recall over and over again when the poo is pushing against these fibers/muscles that are constricted. I commit myself to keep on looking into specific thought-patterns and stored emotions that lead to this build up constriction through time and support myself to release myself from the related energy with sounding self-forgiveness.

I realize that I have placed so much guilt on myself because of this condition where in I lost sight on my own responsibility within this condition. I commit myself to stop participating in an experience of guilt related to my physical condition. I commit myself to investigate/release myself from the pressure of expectations within and as myself in relation to my physical condition and who I think that I am supposed to be/become.

When and as I see myself focussing on a result in and as being free of crampings and having a comfortable release of waste, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in a future-projection in polarity of the fear of ‘that I will never get there’ and so, create that I will never get there. I realize that I expect a miracle-solution in/as the mind in ‘one moment’ and if not so I believe I will never get there, instead of walking the solution physical, day by day, breathe by breathe where in I learn to focus on who I am in every breathe. I commit myself to stop focussing on a result of being free of cramping and having a comfortable release of waste and instead, focus on learning to release myself from the constricting thought-patterns and related emotions in/as the mind, by applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application on specific thoughts and patterns that are coming up through the day, related to my physical condition.

I realize that it is a lot of work and so, that it takes time to walk through, where in I realize that I experience the same ‘I will never get there’ as when I started to walk this process by walking the conscious and subconscious layers. I commit myself to keep on walking day by day, moment by moment in and as the realization that I did walk through the layers of the conscious/subconscious system into a more comfortable ‘living’ and so, I have seen and proven for and as myself that it is possible to stand up in equality towards and as my own mind-consciousness system if and when I walk in patience and take very small steps. Not as an end-result to focus on but as a support for and as myself to realize that it will not always be like how it is in the worst/tough moments.

I commit myself to support my physical body / my large intestine to calm down by taking only food specificely as how described that is allowed and not triggering the intestine unnecessary within the guideline of the FODMAP-diet as a physical tested support for the condition of IBS for the next 4-6 weeks as how is described. (One can google FODMAP to see what it contains – I use a Dutch PDF-document that I received).

I commit myself to start cleaning my large intestine with colon hydro-therapy as a physical support to release the physical waste as detoxes that I build up through the years within my intestine, as a support to calm down the vegetative nerve system and as a support for my intestine to find it’s rhythm and peristaltic movements again within the possibilities of my physical state and as a support for myself to release myself from the panic about toxicating myself because of this not optimum physical state of my intestine.

I commit myself to keep on writing and to push myself to do so as I notice that within the writing, I give myself direction and lead myself through this rough/tough physical state in which I release my intestine from the mental waste that I put on and in where in I realize that I need direction and so, I need myself to lead myself through.

irritable_bowel_syndromeThe mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
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