november 28, 2018 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 792 – Getting a grip on the worst of me – a start

Getting-a-Grip-on-Love

“Allow yourself to cry and let go

because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”

I received a self-reflection (from myself/my beingness) that the mourning about letting go of a relationship is a letting go of the worst of me. Why am I holding on so much to ‘the worst of me’?

I see a belief in myself that within this, it is the only possibility for a relationship with another (not friendship but partner relationship) and if I look further, for a relationship with this specific ex-partner and so if I let go of this worst part of me, I need to let go of him (in/as my mind where in I still hold on) as this is wherein we connected (which is in itself not so cool if plain looked at) and so I never will be able to be with the best of him. So actually I hold on to this worst (in/as the mind-as the mind contains the worst of ourself) as connection as an opening to the potential best, out of fear of ‘loosing him’ in totality, because, ‘what if he is not willing to let go of his worst (mind) and so not coming ‘with me’? Where in I continue letting open a backdoor for my (and his/another’s) worst self taking the best of me in/as my mind.

I am somewhere walking in circles here and refusing to ‘let go’ where I react to the words ‘letting go’. I simply don’t like ‘letting go’ and don’t want this.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of the worst of me where I am having difficulties with defining what this worst exactly contains and where I see that what I accepted and allowed, as ‘not so bad’ and so, I do not really see the need to let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue like this, that I will be okay and fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really care about myself and my future, not as in a really waking up with only myself as a cross-reference and that I need a relationship to show me what I have accepted and allowed and still then I do not really/completely see it and here I do need my house as a cross-reference where in I see the beauty of what I have created so far for/as myself as something that I do not want to be insulted by violence and abusive behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find my house and my cats more important to take care of than me, as ‘I can have it but I cannot let it happen to them’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how far I have let myself down and go, where in I see that I did ‘let myself go’ and so ‘I don’t like a letting go and I don’t want this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sense any of myself in myself and so I need to walk it by principle and by reflection of my environment, animals and relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find myself worthy of standing up only for myself, as if I am not allowed to do this without permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for permission of someone or something outside myself to stand up and let go of that what I see that is not working out well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to self-blame of what I have accepted and allowed and so I am not able/willing to let go of that what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need the printed words of myself to remind myself what I am looking at and to immediately forget and go blank as soon as I put the paper down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the best of another to fulfill me instead of living and expressing the best of/as myself with what I accept and allow and what not and sharing from here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to miss out on the best of another and to need to keep standing with another no matter how bad, to eventually come to the best, thinking and believing that within doing so, I live the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that continuesly standing with another is showing the best of me and so sooner or later, another will show his best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer ‘standing with another’ over ‘standing with/as myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer standing with and focusing on another’s worst self over standing with and focusing on my own worst self, where in I actually feed my own worst self because I become frustrated and go into self-blame under the surface that only stops, when another stops his worst self and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make another responsible for my well-being within my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like grasping in the dark and not seeing anything, where in I can refer this to what a shaman already years ago mentioned, that I am afraid to go into the ‘dark forest that is me’ and so this ‘dark’ is where I need to be although I do not see where it goes and what is there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather ‘be with him’ than ‘with myself alone in/as the dark as the unknown’ which is only in my mind when being alone, because as soon as before it was showing in reality where it was ‘getting out of hand’, I certainly did not want to continue like that and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unrealistic in/as my mind and hold on to a feeling-connection to the past to the ‘good moments’ and so not focusing on me now and here, with and as myself alone and how I can support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to really see and change my approach because then I may find out what I could have done different and so I perhaps could have prevented things for going into this death end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the ending of the relationship as a death end and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able and willing to conceive the concept of not/never seeing him again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see death as an ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect with a partner via the worst of me in acceptance and allowance and so making our connection dependable on the worst of me in acceptance and allowance without any possibility to live the best of me (as well for myself as for himself) with each other because this means that we need to let go of the connection that we created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this connection a source of keeping my worst intact and to feed my/our worst, because whenever I (or he) would move into the best of me, a fear of loosing the connection will come up in one or both of us that will feed the worst and as well, a ‘holding on to the worst’ will take place for the one that fears the most in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to find out that I could have changed the outcome by/as myself and that I am searching for a ‘larger force’ that is responsible for the relationship as ‘Love’ as a force that will survive no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself towards ‘Love’ and to see ‘Love’ bigger as me that will stay ‘intact’ no matter what happens, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that love can be destroyed or expanded by and through myself in who I am and by and through another in who he is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a good example of what love means in and as myself while speaking about it more than once, simply by my acceptance and allowance of what I do accept in my life and what not and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being the example that I really intended and tried to be and from here, going into a victimization of myself of ‘nobody understand me in what an effort I have put in to make it work).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on ‘the work/what I do’ while missing out on ‘who I am’ within and as my starting-point of acceptance and allowance and so no matter what I do, the ‘who I am’ will determine the outcome, exactly as how I predicted in and as a projection towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first connect in/as the mind through attraction and love and from here, into the beingness and physical and so, making the beingness and physical connection dependent on the mind in and as attraction and love which is creating ground for emotional grieve when and as going through a necessary release of the created connections to get out of the mind-connection and manipulative patterns that automatically comes within acceptance and allowance in love and attraction – the connection is manipulated infact already and needs to be purified within and as self, before a real physical and beingness connection is possible to be made.

A process to be continued

743AADB55546D1B5A2140F800D9AB626-into-the-dark-forest.jpg

Proces van zelfverandering:
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Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
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Uil forgive

november 14, 2018 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 791 – A mourning process and to Rise up

A while ago I got the ‘advice’ (from myself / my own beingness actually) to take the time to mourn about a relationship ending. I did not really come to a mourning because I did not want it ‘to be over’ and if I go into a mourning, this would mean that it would be ‘over’. Besides this it concerns a difficult situation with many aspects that made it challenging to go into a mourning.

I did had made the step forwards to move on alone, due to the situation only becoming worse for both of us when staying together; however when already being into this situation, I was still refusing to really move through. So I did move myself into ‘what is best for me and both of us’ eventually, however when coming into the actual experiences coming up while walking this direction, I refused to really embrace it / myself in it and make peace with the current situation, holding on to ‘hope’ and future projections of ‘what if’.

When writing this blog I come into this ‘sinking feeling’ again of the sadness and ‘rediculessness’ of the situation. I will write more about it in relation to this situation – and relationships in general – with insights and realizations in time to come and what it all has to do with, what systems are involved that makes it so immens to walk through.

Firstly I would like to describe a change in the mourning process that I currently noticed within me.

I had a few activities last week sceduled in. There was a second course afternoon of the mandala-drawing related to the second chakra. I noticed sadness in relation to this ‘area’ and quietly started the drawing. I somehow expected a lot of sadness and messyness within me while drawing and visible within the drawing, however what I expressed on paper looked very harmonious, subtile, soft and almost ‘silent’; like ‘nothing wrong with me’. This supported me to stop a part of the ‘missing’ and to start redefining sexuality, sensuality into a more physical and fulfilling presence instead of an endless experience of missing and desire, projected on a relationship with another (a process of redefining still to walk).

Then I started to go to a training, a sport-lesson in the new living environment (I changed house and environment). I used to go every week but did not go for 4 months while I was busy with all the moving and renovation of the house. I now have settled down a bit and found myself ready to pick it up; the physical labour became less heavy and I started really ‘missing’ the physical work-outs. I found a gym to start and try out some group-lessons and the first one I participated in was a power-yoga-lesson.

While doing this I noticed a stand coming through within me, a sort of physical stability and satisfaction that I come into within the lessons, due to how a training is set up. This I really like about the group-lessons. After this I went home and sit down to watch a part on tv of ‘the voice of Holland’ that probably everyone is familiar with. I will in a moment describe why I like watching this ‘program’.

It was still in the first rounds. There was a lady coming up, she had introduced herself as that she had moved through a difficult period of many trials and errors and now becoming more present and satisfied within herself. She came up and just stand there, focussed on herself and waiting for the music and when the music started, she started the singing. She did barely nothing more than standing there quite ‘silently’ with regards to her body and only…….singing. It was overwhelming ‘good’ and especially authentic, staying close to herself and it was the song ‘Rise up’ so very suitable to what she described as her situation.

(First link is the record of the song that I speak about and second link the original song with text).

I was sitting and watching and tears rolling over my face and noticing – through that lady and the song – the strength of the decision to ‘rise up’. Here I noticed how a rising up of one (this lady in this case), can be an example for another (me in this case) to do the same, to rise up in our own unique way. It would actually be a waste to not do this, to hold back, because then what we resonate is a ‘holding back’ and so another will pick this up as well and this is not an example that one potentially would like to resonate as what is best for all.

This example describes why I watch a program like the voice of Holland as I enjoy and find it valuable to see (a part of) one’s potential, one-self coming through, in this case within the expression of singing.

I hold this song, the title and the physical experience within me the days after and I noticed a change within me. Where I before was moving through the days within a drowning feeling, I now was able to carefully see a glimpse ‘beyond it’. It does not ‘end’ with this drowning or sinking, there is more beyond. It was not so that I wanted to ‘give it all up’ before. I did had / have created enough basic foundation for myself in the past 7 years to already ‘know’ that there is more and at the same time, I did come in such a nice living environment in many ways that this is as a ‘soft bed’ for me, catching me while going through the mourning. However the sinking feeling was with me for weeks, every day again, without me knowing where or how it would decrease and still it is with me in a way. But it changed. It is like walking through and awakening from a nightmare; from a dark night and dark nights on end.

I noticed that ‘not living the best of me’ has many aspects involved of why I am not (yet) doing this, however a main aspect that I see is that it is somehow based on revenge. Revenge of the ego. We often and mostly focus on all the deeply saddening reasons, circomstances, influences and what more, however in every situation (if and when certain basics – food, roof, physical care and support – are covered) there comes a time where we are able to stand up and move towards the best version of ourself and if not, it is based on blame, revenge, resentment, no matter how much ‘fear’ is involved. And this is what I noticed within myself: not moving myself forwards, not ‘rising up’ is revenge in itself.

Note: how and where and why we developped it like this, is individual and personal for every one and it takes a process to move ourself through all the painfull, perhaps horryfic and abusive memories, situations, upbringings, circomstances etc etc. so to not baggetalize all the inner and outer horrors in the world, as it is an ‘accumulated nightmare’ in a way as how we have accepted and allowed ourself and this world to be and become.

What I found as well in this mourning process is a start, a decision to start with living words. I am already longer looking at this however I could not get a grip on it of where and how to start that did make sense to me – meaning not from a starting-point of ‘knowledge and information’ as this is ‘not making sense to me’ because it doesnot really integrate and keeps on in that way. I noticed that it first needed to become ‘empty’ in a way within me with actually the only possibility left to recreate and fulfill myself through the start of….living words.

What really supports me in this is to combine it with physical, tangable actions or examples, like how I write here, this can be a song or a training or a drawing. This gives more body and makes it easier for me to ‘embody’ it at the same time while redefining and even finding the words within and while the physical action or example takes place. A whole process ahead, to open up and explore with many options possible to combine it with and bring it into expression, within and as myself and my life.

When we find it in us, let’s Rise up. For the ‘you’ as ourself as Life as a whole. A thousand times. Until we Stand.

To be continued – thanks for reading.

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