juli 19, 2021 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 831 – Exasperate – opening up with self-forgiveness

Full how self forgiveness supports you through the dark principled living — Self-forgiveness

With investigating a memory within a session of QCK the word exasperate came forward. This comes from knowing that there is something ‘wrong’ where my environment doesnot recognize it and from here, there is an inner conflict where I feel exasperated (Dutch: geprikkeld, verbitterd, geërgerd, getergd). This creates a war inside myself. Knowing myself and what is real and my environment not standing with me in it, which gives a very conflictual result.

It is related to the cramps in my intestine as well, it is a dimension of it, connected to an overal programming and my self-esteem. How I do see it related as well physically, is how this experience is related to the gall-bladder within this ‘bitterness’ (verbitterd Dutch) where the gall-stream becomes stagnated within this inner conflict, the large intestine is responding to this as well in ‘not moving’ as responding to me ‘not moving myself’ in expressing myself and instead, becoming stagnated in an inner conflict, not being able to express my bitterness as well (to spit my gall; Dutch: mijn gal spuwen) and then suppressing the internal angryness and accumulating it within myself ‘for not moving myself effectively’ and so the organ functions become stagnated within my body because I stagnate in a way). This gall is (amongst other things) part of the movement within the large intestine and within the pelvic area as a whole.

This is directly related to my self-confidence and self-esteem, to my ability to be stable and comfortable in my own skin.

How have I come to define myself in my mind, based on all of this?

I have been abused

I know I have been abused

The abuser has to pay

I am the victim

I did not do anything wrong

I need to be treated with understanding

Why isn’t anybody understanding me?

It’s not fair

The world is not fair because they should be on my side

Why is every one choosing the side of the abuser?

I am the one who is hurt so I am the sensitive one so it only would make sense that I get the support

I will make sure that the abuser get payed

Overall, I am ‘fighting for justice’; something in the relationship with myself that I am fighting for.

Maybe I am abusing myself in relation to my self-esteem, in a way that I am not honoring myself, neglecting my self-esteem, which is abuse.

Within projecting my focus onto another in the memory, with me fighting for justice and holding on to the memories, I am trying to compensate for (at some level) knowing that I am abusing myself. I am at some level very angry with myself and this has to do with another memory (that I do not actively remember but it has a picture of me in a bathing suite on vacation – as a teenager? or much younger) for not allowing myself to express myself in a moment early in live, for judging my body. I wanted to express myself but the ‘want’ was suppressed and then I got angry at myself for not expressing. This all is something I don’t want to really admit to myself and so I focus my angryness on another in a memory.

It is actually about me and the anger and the relationship with myself – the other was the trigger. like I could have directed myself and the situation but I had no practical ‘how to’ at all, no insight in what to do.

For the relationship with myself, I need to pull it out of the suppression so that I can work with it more directly.

Physical it manifest in my belly, in my intestines; anger with myself as a form of disgust, being so angry with myself that I am disgusted.

I went into a mind-system of ‘not knowing’, like a system in my mind where in I frooze up. System: ‘I don’t understand reality; I don’t understand anything’. So the only option is to freeze up. It is a system of disempowerment, telling myself that I don’t know and so I have no authority to act. Like I am too dumb or stupid to be allowed to speak up. This is then connected to something that has been told me when I was little (pretty young), something like ‘you are just a kid, what do you know’ (as how it is often forced on children to ‘shut up’). So I learned myself to keep myself quiet, to shut up and to have no authority to speak.

The system sitting inside of me is like ‘I am not going to speak’ as an accepted programming. Believing that I still lack knowledge, that I don’t have the authority and permission to speak, to speak me and to speak freely, not allowing myself, with a sense of guilt in not allowing myself; that it is ‘wrong’ or that I would say or do something wrong.

I believe I am guilty if I where to speak. It would be very bad or wrong if I, Ingrid, would speak freely in the moment. I have learned to ‘wall myself up’ to not feel guilty.

“It is wrong for me to speak and express myself. I need to overthink it all”.

An ego pont in it is a sense of knowing that I get from figuring out whether what I said was wrong or right. Then I can tell myself ‘I know’ within the belief that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up.

Here what I need to learn is, ‘it is not wrong or right, I just express myself’- that’s basicely it. Not to now blurb everything out, but it is more about that I accept myself and that I know that if I am going to say something, that I am not going to hold it against myself, like I know that I am allowed to speak and if I do speak, I am not going into guilt and being hard on myself for it. Allowing myself to be comfortable, to allow myself to speak. Knowing that I am allowed to speak if I want to in that moment.

This programming is located physically in my belly, underneath the belly button in the center. Here I can look at the belief of ‘I am not allowed to speak’. Which is still a big one for me and the guilt around it as well. This I can open up with self-forgiveness. And this ‘not moving’ in my body is my body response to this programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnated within my body, to not move myself in expression with a result of my body responding to this programming with not moving, which I experience within my large intestine and stool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very angry with myself without directly seeing what and how I am angry and only noticing this experience of disgust within and as myself, if and when my large intestine is not moving effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the anger towards myself and instead, focus it outwards onto another and within this, holding on to a memory where I did not effectively moved myself in and as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I have been abused’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I know I have been abused and the abuser has to pay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to define myself in my mind as ‘i am the victim’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I need to be treated with understanding; why is nobody understanding me? It’s not fair’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘the world is not fair as they should be on my side; why is everyone choosing the side of the abuser?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I am the one that is hurt so I am the sensitive one so it would only make sense that I get the support’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I will make sure that the abuser get payed’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fighting for justice, as something in the relationship with myself that I am fighting for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abusing myself in relation to my self-esteem, in a way that I am not honoring my self-esteem, neglecting my self-esteem, which is abuse, self-abuse and instead, expecting this honor from another, kind of waiting for approval of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate for (at some level) knowing that I am abusing myself, within projecting my focus onto another in the memory, with me fighting for justice and holding on to the memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some level being very angry with myself, related to another memory, for not allowing myself to express myself early in life, for judging my body, where I wanted to express myself but the ‘want’ was suppressed and then I got angry at myself for not expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that I suppressed my want and then did not express myself and then becoming angry at myself and instead, focus onto another in a memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my ‘want’ with desastreus effect (manifested consequence) in later life of not acknowledging that what I really want within and as myself, to consider myself in this and from here, making an informed decision that is best, which does not need persé to be that what I want but what is most important is that I have my want considered in and as myself.

What I see related is how at my 27th, when I became pregnant and decided to an abortion, I suppressed my want as well, my want to express myself in giving birth to a child, which I see as a very painful aspect in this event. Here I repeat myself over and over again by coming back to this event, however I see it as walking around it and scratching layer after layer within forgiving myself. What I also see is how actually all my programmings probably came together in this event where we at the age of 28, complete and integrate our programmings fully and so it is of no surprise that it comes up as a kind of accumulation of all the suppressed programmings within and as myself that I have build up and integrated in the years prior to 28.What a misery. This suppression of my want feels like an essential aspect of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my want to not be considered, which can not be considered if and when I suppress my want and so I create, I live my deep fear in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from suppressing my want, on another level ‘take what I want’ to maybe compensate for not admitting and expressing my want effectively, not even to myself.

I did come to a memory that I see related where I suppressed my ‘want’ in relation to my body and my self-expression. I am not 100% sure if it is the memory but the pain in my intestine that I was struggling with for days, released and say like an hour before, I actively asked myself to show myself the memory and I applied a self-forgiveness on ‘thinking and believing that I did not know which memory it is about’ where then this memory came to my awareness and then me crying and without conscious trying, I heard myself expressing myself as a child in two sentences what I actually wanted to express. It was like the following: but I don’t mind to be / look like grandma, I love grandma’ (Dutch: maar ik vind het niet erg om hetzelfde lichaam als oma te hebben, ik houd van oma). Here to mention: my grandma was a small and very round lady :-). I refound a deep appreciation for her within myself that I suppressed as well and I totally felt this ‘I do not mind to be like her, to have her body’ which gives another perspective on having a body image with a round belly (without being pregnant – other than birthing myself as life from the physical – here to mention that I feel myself a bit stuck in this and resisting a ‘need for help’ or support and then considering how with most births, the mother and child child being supported to give birth / become birthed through the birthing canal, so not more than normal to ‘need’ some hand to come through this narrow area).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist a need for help or support, not because I do not want to ask for support but more ‘the need’ that I resist as if I should be able to do it all alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, find that I should be able to do it all alone, to birth myself as life from the physical in expressing myself.

Here to come to the following as not having practical know how of what to do, no insight in it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not having any practical know how of how to express myself, how to do this, seeing that I could have directed myself and the situation but not having any insight or practical guideline of how to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in a ‘knowing’ without having any insight or practical guidelines of how to and then thinking and believing that I should be able to do it all alone, because I somehow ‘know’ that I can do it and somehow I know how, however this is still different than really doing it.

Here I see another aspect that I did see reflected within my ex-partner. He was so very extravert with outspoken systems, where with me, it is all mostly introverted with subtle and hidden systems so here again, easy to project it on him being the disturber of our relationship. Another interesting aspect is that the more I see within myself of all the projected reflections and where I take responsibility for it in and as myself, for myself, the more I am able to let him go and where the emotional attachments stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a system of not knowing – almost as a polarity of ‘knowing it all but not being able to express’ – in and as the statements ‘I don’t understand reality, I don’t understand anything, like a system in my mind where in I frooze up, as the only option to freeze up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a system of disempowerment within and as myself, telling myself that I don’t know and so I have no authority to act, like I am too dumb or stupid to be allowed to speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn myself to keep myself quiet, to shut up and having no authority to speak, because as a very young child, i have been told something like ‘you are just a kid, what do you know’ as how it is often forced on children to ‘shut up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the system sitting inside of me as ‘I am not going to speak’ as an accepted programming within and as myself, believing that i still lack knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I still lack knowledge, that I don’t have the authority and permission to speak, to speak me and to speak freely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to speak freely, to speak me, with a sense of guilt, thinking and believing that it is wrong or that i would say or do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am guilty if I were to speak and expres myself and that I need to overthink it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create or have an ego point in it as a sense of knowing that I get from figuring out whether what I said was wrong or right, where I then can tell myself ‘I know’ within the belief that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up and so as long as I do not really understand what just happened or happens in a moment, I do not allow myself to speak up and for example say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ no matter what happens and no matter if I do understand the whole picture – if and when I sense something is off, something is ‘not okay’ or very wrong in it all and I don’t want this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to speak up if and when I do not completely understand what’s going on, out of fear of being shut down (again) as too dumb and stupid to speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to cross my borders as long as I do not see and understand the whole picture.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have authority to speak up, to express myself any time, in any moment that I truly feel and see I need to, without understanding exactly what’s going on and within this, making myself a victim of the reality playing out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to live and define myself within the sentence ‘I am not allowed to speak’ integrated within my belly underneath my belly button.

Till here for today. With gratefulness to Kim and her amazing QCK qualities for the specified information laying out so that I can open it up for myself with self-forgiveness.

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Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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oktober 26, 2020 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 825 – I think that you think that….

I am looking at how I often assume that someone else is thinking something about me, when and as I should do / say this or that; and because I do not want to have the other think ‘that something’ about me, I easily decide to NOT do / say this or that. So I withdraw myself and hold in my expression, based on assumptions in and as my mind what another MAY think about it.

Pfiew that sounds complicated isn’t it? It looks like a perfect way to keep myself busy in the mind with projecting my own thoughts / assumptions onto another and then using this as an excuse to not go into the unknown of self-expression and also to keep generating a certain energy within me, where a form of blame is existing in this as well, on forehand. So I already blame another for what another may think about me when I do / say this or that and within this, in / as my mind, I then hold another responsible for what I do express or not.

Let’s open this up within self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, blame another for what they may think about me when I do or say something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in and as my mind, within assumptions about what another may think about me and then using my own assumptions as an excuse to decide to not express myself in that moment.

I wrote assumptions now 3 times as assumprions (as the r is next to the t) which looks like ‘prisons’ to me, interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prison myself in my own assumptions in and as my mind, in thinking about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of fear within me within my own assumptions as prisons; as thoughts about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.

Which brings me to what Bernard said to me about eight years ago, that I still ‘fear people‘ and when I asked ‘what to do about it?’ he mentioned ‘it’s a thought’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people within creating thoughts about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that and within this, holding another responsible for what I say or not say and for what I do or not do and within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for my experience of fear for another, which is actually created by my own thoughts as assumptions about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.

This is understandable in theory. In practice, it is related to an emotional experience that I withhold within me that prevents me from expressing myself. This then should be based on an experience that I once or more had in childhood, as this is how we mostly create such suppressed emotional experiences and then creating thoughts about it as a default way to try to get back in control, when what actually happens only is that the control in / as the mind, within and as myself, is increasing and so creating this prison within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely disempowered when and as another gives a feedback on my expression that is totally not aligned with what I mean to express. And in this moment, what comes up within me ‘I don’t know what to do’.

From what I see, it is possible that the feedback is indeed not aligned and may come of a point of control of the other as probably a parent, who in that moment, does not know what to do eather and so, the parent goes into a form of control to not experience this within self. And so the sins of the fathers are passing through. I do not have children to pass it through, I would even say that this experience is one of the reasons (amongst many other dimensions) for that I found myself unable to make a decision to receive and raise a child. So this patterns that seem so small, go quite deep and do have far consequences. Important enough to stop, understand, forgive and change this within myself. Slowly, step by step, as in ‘guiding the child’ within me to open up in my expression and going beyond this experience of disempowerment. So that I am no longer a part of passing the sins into this world.

This emotional experience, based on a memory, is also often the reason used as an excuse to keep blaming and not taking responsibility for my own thoughts as assumptions. Because within my mind, it feels ‘so right’ because it is based on something that did happen in the past and that was not persé ‘my fault’. So here I need to take the step to embracing the fact that it does exist within me now, that I did accept and allow it to develop into a habit or pattern within me that is harmful for myself and others as well; in holding myself and another PRISON in patterns and habits, based on assumptions and thoughts. Where through my acceptance and allowance, it did become and so it is, MY responsibility. And this is the only ‘way’ to empower myself to do something about it. So no wonder that I do feel disempowered in these moments, as I automatically place my responsibility outside myself and so while doing this, I disempower myself to do something about it. Over and over again. Which enlarges and accumulate the experience of disempowered. I ‘build up’ my own prison. But, as how we all know, deep down inside self: I cannot change another, I can only decide to – and change myself.

So. The theory is clear. Back to the experience of disempowerment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disempowered within a moment that I express something and another shows a complete misalignment with what I express or even goes into a form of control as reaction within self to what I express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame it on me’ when another goes into a form of control as a reaction on something that I express, thinking and believing that ‘someone needs to be blamed’ and so it is either the other or me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that someone needs to be blamed, instead of simply taking out the blame system, to no longer participate in this game of thoughts and assumptions and instead, take responsibility for me in that moment and seeing in that moment what I can do to express or maybe keep silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself – and another – busy in and as the mind within this game of thoughts and assumptions, within this ‘blame-game’ actually only with the purpose to ‘win’ and generate energy in and as a ‘good feeling’, or trying to ‘prove that I am right’, to get away from the negative experience of disempowered, not seeing, realising and understanding that and how I enlarge this negative experience of disempowerment within me and within this, creating an experience of ‘fearing people’ in and as blame, where someone needs to be blamed. So either I blame myself or I will be blamed by another – in and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a joker within and as my mind in participating in this blame-game – the joke is on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘being too much’ when I express myself, like ‘too much asking for attention’ or ‘too much distracting another’ or well, too much of many things.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see beyond the possibility of blame, as in ‘it has to be you or me’ in and as the mind and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself and another prison within a fight or war as if someone needs to be blamed alone which is actually trying to NOT be responsible, at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I participate in and as the mind in polarities in systems, that I enable myself to take and be responsible for and as myself, simply because the mind as a system, is not able to do so, it is only an energetic system, created by acceptance and allowance in and as mySELF and so the source, myself is what I need to bring myself back to in order to take and be responsible for anything that exists within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a system for not taking and being responsible when all the while, I am avoiding to take responsibility for myself in and as this system, in and as self-understanding, in and as self-forgiveness and so deleting the system as a whole, bringing back the polarity in and as energy that creates a constant conflict back to myself as a being, as the one and only with the ability to be self-responsible and while doing so, enabling myself to birth myself as life in the physical, in and as substance, sound and aligned with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to not be responsible at all and within this, preventing myself from the possibility, joy, expansion and so much more that self-expression does entail, if and when I allow myself to open up in and as responsibility myself.

When and as I see myself participating in thinking about what another may think when I say this or that, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in an old habit or pattern as an energetic system that no longer serves me, as I am an adult now, I am in the geographical and economic location and far by strong enough to take responsibility for myself in any moment and so, I commit myself to breathe and clear myself in a moment to then see what it is that I would like to express and then do so in alignment to the moment and circumstances, weather it is with another to share something or with myself alone within for example a self-forgiveness.

When and as I still see myself holding back my expression in a moment with another, I stop and breathe. I realize that my expression may not be aligned or that I need to take small steps to guide myself in this new area and so I commit myself to hold myself by the hand in embracing, exploring, practising, finding and expanding myself in and as my self-expression, which I realize that goes in small steps, with trials and errors here and there but not anything that I cannot correct myself in and while doing so, aligning myself in and as the expression of life itself as what is best for all life. Where in I commit myself to practise the application of redefining and living words, as a support to align and sound my expression with and within what is best for all.

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april 30, 2020 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 822 – The core of my sadness

I was reflecting back – again – on the period of fertility (open link for related blogs) and not having decided to carry through a pregnancy. From where I finally come to the core of all the sadness within myself. The sadness that I projected on this ‘fertility’ process. On the ‘regret’ of how I have walked this period in my life, towards and after having an abortion at my 27th (for those who did not read any blog from me yet, I am 47 now).

What I did see within this as the core of the sadness within myself, is that I did not want it in the way that I was able to in that moment – which is also what I actually decided with and as, towards an abortion. But I did not fully stand within my decision because there were dimensions that I did not really consider at that time. And so I actually started to ‘step back’ of myself, to ‘let myself down’ in a way within my own decision. This due to all the emotional turmoil that did come up within me as a reaction; due to a fear of ‘missing out’ on the opportunity of a pregnancy; due to having my desires not fulfilled; due to not having finished what I started (getting pregnant) but what I actually should not have started at all within that period in my life.

So here I came to the point of admitting to myself of that what I really did and do not like and that did play a role in my actions with regards to the pregnancy: the way how many systems exist within myself and / as within this world (as for example the child-parent relationship within myself and the school system without myself) and how relationships functions in a way that I do not want to participate in. And how this is actually the reason for the deep sadness within me.

This all in the background and not yet having the tools to direct myself within it all, did bring up an experience of depression within me and I feared a postnatal depression as well – which I see as quite possible in that time, due to the situation that I choose to create. I projected the search for my potential of ‘birthing myself as life in the physical’ on ‘giving birth to a child’.

So actually, I did follow up on this ‘path’ of searching for myself in it all by deciding for an abortion, as the only option in that time ‘to stay true to myself’ (as I was not yet having the courage to decide to become a mom anyway, within my utmost potential). This ‘path’ or ‘search’ went on with a lot of distraction, mostly emotional distraction related to this area of relationships, love, sex and fertility. Where eventually I did come to a place where I finally saw things coming together, where I do see the ability to find myself and the confirmation of this possibility as ‘me’, as something that I always ‘felt’ and saw deep within me. Probably we all see and feel this within ourselves in some way – which is our true potential.

So this is my true potential, this ‘looking through’ things and directly see or sense the realness (and so the bullshit as well). But as with all human beings within and as the mind, is the veil set up very delicate so that we tend to get lost in distractions in some area, which in my case was the ‘veil of love‘ and everything related to this. Which made me ‘see’ in a way what is real – or actually to see what is not real – but at the same time I choose to let myself distract in it as well, believing that ‘it should be possible in my way’. Where ‘my way’ did contain a way where I could still place my desires above my self-honesty.

This does not mean that ‘I am not allowed to have any desire’ as within a desire, a true potential may be hidden. However my self-honesty comes first, so that I can lead and direct myself within a desire and find my true potential as that part of me that is still channeled within that desire, in and as the mind. So that I have the strength (as in ‘I can trust my self-honesty’ see previous blog) and patience to stand and keep standing within the point of self-honesty, even and when and as this means that ‘I stand alone’.

I need to be my own reference that I can trust in eternity. And so I did come to live in and as my own worst nightmare, meaning that I needed to let go of that desired outcome, in my case up to the point of accepting that it will not happen in this life-time and guess what – within my own worst nightmare, within this deep dark forest in and as myself – I find myself, my self-honesty, this eternal depth of who I am and who I can stand with into eternity. In and as the principles of life.

So this ‘endless’ sadness that exists within me, I found related to the illusions within how the world (= the human mind) is set up. Where we all have channeled our true potential within our desires, living them out at the cost of life. Imagine if we all do that. If I look directly at what it created as consequences within my own life and how many years I have followed the distractions and how this accumulated; then imagine if we all do that and how this accumulates at large scale, up to the point where we totally loose sight of our self-honesty and how to bring this back to where it belongs: we need to put our self-honesty first and using ‘desires’ to live our utmost potential. Where it actually are not really desires anymore and where it can become a living expression of our uniqueness within.

Even if I do live my self-honesty in many area’s in my life (which I did) but still not in one area (as I did) – I am still fucked and my life is still fucked up and sucked within this one (major) illusion. Where I project all my sadness on this illusion. However the real sadness is valid, because of how I exist within how this world exists. So the only solution is to stop loosing myself in distractions of any kind and start directing myself within and as my core and strength, within and as the power of ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

And this part of me, is never lost and I cannot loose it. The emotional sadness I will be able to stop, when and as I connect with this part, with this strength within and as myself and from here with others within this same point. And then together we look for solutions based on this point of self-honesty, as what is best for all life. Welcome to Desteni.

Because it is Desteni as the group that I recognized as where everything comes together. Without this group, I would not have been able to be who I am now and where I am now. My self-honesty would then probably still have been an undefined potential within me. Yes, I need to walk through desires and challenge myself to walk into this deep dark wood within and as myself. But this group will not ask me to give up my integrity, it simply is not possible, because it is build on integrity, it is set up and exists as Life Integrity Itself, in and as The Principles of Life. So we only encourage ourselves and each other at the same time, to find and live this integrity, as what is best for life as a whole – which obviously, includes the life within and as myself. Where Bernard mentioned sometimes: eventually Desteni becomes your relationship. But I am still figuring out those words.

Looking at it this way, I was quite effective in achieving my goals lol. The misalignment was my starting-point and so that what I initiated, did not keep standing because I could not keep standing or standing up in it. Or simply said: I was not ready to live in a self-honest way that what I initiated (becoming pregnant and a mother) and so the fear took over. In certain time after the abortion, I was not even ready to take care of a cat (I tried for a week) as it overwhelmed me too much; I needed all the attention focused inward myself to sit with myself and my emotions. I was self-honest enough to not be able to build a life on a starting-point of self-dishonesty. But I was not self-honest enough to accept my own self-honesty, to recognize and stand within my own strength: I can trust my self-honesty. And so, whatever I decided back in that days felt like a loss.

And so, back to current time, I am exactly where I need to be as what I created, accepted and allowed, within the strength of guiding myself through the consequences, into and as my true potential. Piecing myself back together, finding the core of my sadness and finding the strength within me to start trusting my self-honesty in every small moment as a ‘strong woman’ and finding the courage to finally finally, start making ‘mistakes’ as a learning-process into the new.

This is me. If I can do it, so can you. Alone yet together.

natuur gras buitenshuis vleugel fabriek veld- weide prairie bloem bloemblad dier schattig de lente groen insect macro natuurlijk park vlinder geel tuin- flora fauna ongewerveld wildflower detailopname grasland nectar Pieridae macrofotografie bestuiver motten en vlinders lycaenid Colias

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maart 30, 2020 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 821 – Redefining the word ‘strong’

At the moment I am writing and preparing in different places, also in Dutch and so my ‘process blog-writing’ here goes slow. This does not mean that I ‘stopped’ the process-writing or process in general or that I am struggling with something; it merely means that I want to do many things – practical and on the internet besides work as well – and that I am dividing my time between it all. Also,when I do not write a blog, I still walk my process every day as ‘process’ for me has become a part of my daily life.

This having said, I would like to write a bit about the word ‘strong’ or strength!

Bernard, as well as the dimensions through the portal, mentioned that ‘I am a strong woman’ (‘you need to accept this’ said B). I did see the ‘truth’ in this, I ‘feel’ and notice this inside myself, however at the same time I could not find a suitable definition for it and this then made me being hold up with the ‘old’ definition of ‘strong’ as if I am or should be strong, like ‘not being weak’ and ‘having a ‘strong body’ or ‘standing strong within a point’ and things like that and at the same time, not wanting to make an ‘ego-point’ out of it.

I do have a little issue with muscle strength. I see this related to how my mind is set up within my physical body – I have written a blog about this – and so I see my muscle strength as a bit less than average – besides this I see it also related to my posture. (note I do function well and am able to put in a lot physical effort, however within training etc I see how I take on less weight than could be ‘expected’ with my age and condition). Recently, I did see it coming up as an emotional point, where with a specific muscle-testing, one asked me ‘to hold as strong as possible’ and this was not really a lot lol, meaning that the one testing could easily pull through my hold. I then suppressed the emotion – I did not want to show I was touched by it and I also did not see it as ‘so important’, with the result that I did become ‘untestable’ lol and I firstly needed to express the emotion. I also saw myself lately – last few months – giving a lot of effort to strengthen my muscles in the gym. I did feel some result, however little and slow. I see more dimensions related to this, however I do keep it to the definition of the word strong for this blog.

Last friday we had a chat on destonians.com with Garbriëlle looking into redefining some words. Here she came forward with a definition of ‘Strong’ meaning: ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

I found this such striking redefinition that really resonates with me and then looking back, I can relate it to what Bernard probably did see 7 years ago with saying ‘you are a strong woman’- meaning ‘you can trust your self-honesty‘ – especially because he also mentioned that ‘I see what is real’ as my strength. (Many times, only years later his words do fall into place; actually when I am ready to understand and integrate it within myself).

This gives me a definition to move on with: Strong as ‘I can trust my self-honesty’. As this is also something that I was looking at lately, how I ‘know’ in a way when I do see something REAL although I may not yet being able to express myself according to what I see or although some reactions may come up. So that is then the next step: how to express myself according to my self-honesty, to what I see, within my strength as trusting my self-honesty.

It is also a definition that works in any given moment. No matter how ‘weak’ I physically may feel in a moment, no matter what my condition is (which is fine overall, I just point out all possible situations) – I can trust my self-honesty and so ‘be strong’. I like that, it is awesome. I can stand with it in any time and given situation and at the same time I can not make an ego-point of it because I will notice this not being self-honest and so I cannot trust it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my muscle strength defines my inner strength, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘strong’ means that I can trust my self-honesty and that this then may reflect in my physical appearance as in my stand and muscle-tone, aligned with the individual potential of my physical condition and constitution as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move in polarity from strong to weak to strong to weak etc, instead of standing strong within the core of my being in every moment and any given situation, within the ability of trusting my self-honesty and within the ability of expressing myself accordingly.

Remembering a song shared on facebook last week (by Ida via Leila): Soft to be strong – a lot going on around the word Strong!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be strong within and as my physical body without trusting myself, in and as my self-honesty, in every moment and given situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question and doubt myself in my self-honesty and / or to not live up to my self-honesty through distractions within desire and fear, through emotional turmoil and so weakening myself instead of making myself stronger within trusting my self-honesty and (practise) expressing myself accordingly in and as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I feel ‘weak’ in some way, to stop, breathe and see within myself where I am not trusting my self-honesty, to embrace and forgive myself within the related fear as self-dishonesty that I see, within and as softness yet firmness and from here, practise to express myself, aligned with my self-honesty in that moment and given situation – may it be sounding a self-forgiveness, may it be words into the world, may it be silence for that moment.

To be continued and walked in the physical. Thanks!

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november 27, 2019 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 816 – What does ‘strength’ mean?

I am going to have a look at the word strength. What does it mean to have strength, inner strength, to be ‘a strong woman’ and to accept this within oneself?

I have no or little guideline or structure in this I notice so let’s see with the writing if I can start creating such platform for myself. I am quite sure I misinterpret the word strength, although I know it is not about physical strength, then still I do have a picture coming up with what ‘a strong woman’ means in my (un- / subconscious) idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a strong woman as a woman who can stand her ground in this world and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the strength here projected outside myself as ‘who I am in this world’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding strength here as a presence within and as myself to push myself through energetic mind-patterns that I have accepted and allowed to integrate within and as my physical body and then limiting myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever considered ‘strength’ as in inner quality that I use for myself to push beyond my limitations, because I actually do not really recognize it as limitations but more as a stated ‘this is who I am’ or stated situation as ‘how it is’ and so, I do not consider moving beyond it; not considering that there is something to move into, in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question certain ‘who I am’ or ‘how it is’ as a limited creation / adaptation from within myself and so here not considering my own strength as well, cause if I do not see that and how I created it myself within acceptance and allowance, I also do not see / recognize my own strength or capacity to create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my own capacity to create, may it be in a limited way – the creation is still here but from a mind’s starting-point and so limited, however the mind on itself can not create but only with me within and so, the mind on itself can not be stronger than me, within and as myself, as I am the starting-point and starter of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand myself as the staring-point and so as the strength within and as me to move, direct, create, express and change where needed.

I commit myself to, when and as I experience a fear coming up, to breathe, embrace the fear-energy and forgive the fear as me and from here and while doing so, bring the word strength back to myself, as a quality within and as myself, within the starting-point of who I am and can be, to move myself beyond limitations as ideas and experiences that I have created / copied in and as the mind as an outflow of fear – to move myself into the unknown as me as Life itself and with the support of a living word that I look for in the moment – may it be strength itself, may it be another word that is present in and as me.

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augustus 24, 2019 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 811 – How is blame a form of self-manipulation?

Within a conversation and after a group-chat, I did become aware that I do not see how and that blame is a form of self-manipulation. I mean, I do understand forms of self-manipulation within and as myself and in theory, I understand that behind everything that we do that is not aligned with what is best, there is actually self-manipulation active, because if we would directly speak and live as what is best for all – so including ourselves – there is no manipulation of self and / as others existing or needed; we are then here, stable, in and as life.

But, to understand something in detail and within and as myself; this is a different story than seeing the truth as common sense in a theory or knowledge and information only. So, here I would like to have a deeper look at how blame, exist as self-manipulation as well. Because if I do not realize, see and understand this within and as myself, I will react in subtle ways to ‘blame’ and misunderstand it (and so I fear / judge it) as something that is ‘done towards another’ or ‘done towards me’ as a starting-point, when the starting-point in and as self-manipulation is bringing the blame back to self. Where I then can do something about it.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness and see what opens up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that blame directed towards me, is really connected to me, when actually it has nothing to do with me – other than what my reaction is towards the situation and projection in and as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when someone is blaming me for something, even when I cannot find myself anything doing ‘wrong’ but a small mistake that is behind it and within feeling guilty, I am making myself part of the dance of ‘being blamed’ and so ‘being hold responsible for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and / as others for small mistakes and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of moving myself into some form of (self-)support, I follow the blame and circle myself back into and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself responsible for what another is blaming me for and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for what I am blaming (hidden or not) another for and so I am still placing myself in a interconnected position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and so that I do not need to blame myself for anything related to this and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that I cannot be hold responsible for anything outside myself.

Here to mention that this is about perfection as trying to meet other’s standards, outside myself, which is not the same as walking in and towards self-perfection, where in I commit myself to be and become the best version of myself in and as self-honesty and current location-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be misunderstood and so, to be ‘unforgiven’ and so ‘blamed’ for, where in I then in and as this fear, I am keeping myself in this entanglement, finding myself ‘trying to explain myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it almost impossible to make a move that may be misunderstood and so, I do a. not move or b. stay low / keep quiet or c. move in silence / invisible or d. over-explain myself and then if and when not understood, I tend to Not make the move and instead, move into and as my mind and start doubting myself, waiting for approval from the outside as a ‘green light’ to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to ‘missing information’ and becoming fanatic and pushing within what I do see, when actually I only would like to receive and understand the missing piece so that I can be clear and stable in what I do see, as a part and as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame the blame and / or blamer’ in subtle ways and within this, keep cycling in the point of blame within and as myself in doing exactly that what I blame and so locking myself in.

Then, what also opened up, is a message and video of Gian, referring to 2020 as the point of No return, meaning, the equal money or global basic income should be opening up to be placed in as a point of no return, in whether we are going to make it or not as humanity on this earth.

(message Gian: “I made this video 8 years ago, and it stated the year 2020 for a reason. There was discussions about EMS being implimented by then and if not we will be too late as humanity on this earth to change anything in the realms of how much consequences we will face on this earth, I made the video under the instruction of Bernard. What was also clear was that it might not be Equal Money System as we promote it but through someone else in a little different way, like UBI and Andrew Yang and what he is promoting. We now have the Amazon Rainforests burning at alarming rates and a sign of humanity not changing course at all, 2020 was assessed back then as being the point of no return if we do not turn in a way that if forward for life on this planet by 2020.”)

Well, this seems like a whole other point, however for me it touched to ‘zero point’ within myself, in the sense that I see, realize and understand the state of the world and humanity without making it anymore beautiful and I would like to make peace with this view. Not to ‘give up’ but to embrace it all, inside and outside, as it shows the deepest saddest thing as how far away we are all from ourselves in and as life, inside and outside and an important aspect of this is the ‘blame-game’, where almost everyone is pointing fingers in some way, mostly because the mechanisms in and as the mind, are not understood for what it is and so as how it exists within myself: blame is not seen as a form of self-manipulation and so not seen as something that is harming / manipulating self first and foremost – same inside same outside.

I do feel a bit nervous when writing this down, as in ‘am I allowed to name it as this as how it is?’. Which shows a form of self-manipulation as well. To shut myself down. To ‘fear’ myself away actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself away for the truth deeply within and without and so hiding until the point of no return.

Somehow we do believe that there is ‘always a way’ and that there is no such thing as ‘no return’. Here I have lived this in my personal life, in and as a misconception of love, where I / we did past the point of no return and no matter how I keep searching within myself, I do not see a way to ‘return to’ with one another and if and when there is a way, it would be complete self-responsibility in and as oneself as ‘the only way’. And even here it would not mean ‘a return’ to how it was but actually a return back to self.

So here, the solution that I do have an influence on at small scale, so within my reach, is to keep pushing myself to the point of self-responsibility for all that exists within me and if every one is eventually doing this – one plus one plus one – we exist in and as self-responsibility as a whole, in and as life, with no one left behind. And, to make this possible for everyone, we do need such thing as an UBI as some form of an equal money system, to give every one an equal opportunity to walk out of the survival mode, into and as life, in and as self-responsibility.

It also makes sense to me to what Cerise did point out within a picture of my face, looking at my facial expression (as some kind of supportive group-action-point that week), where she mentioned something as ‘not yet ready to embrace humanity as a whole’ which I do see related to this misunderstanding of blame as self-manipulation, within and without, as in still ‘blaming humanity’ in a way. Which of course I did understand in and as common sense as that I project something from myself ‘on humanity’; as if I am not part of it and I did ‘feel it showing in my face’ as well, so I found it quite striking and very observant from her, however as I mentioned, it only makes sense when seeing, realizing and understanding it inside and as myself in a way that I can open it up, embrace, forgive and change.

So far for today and I will see how this topic opens up more in time to come, into and as self-understanding.

In Memory of the animals that died in the recent fires but no one cares 💔

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juli 17, 2019 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 808 – Zero point

Back to writing! It is a month ago since my last blog which is not as long as it seems. I really start missing this moment with myself in the writing of a blog and sharing it with you who is reading. I find it different and more effective in the sense of grounding the self-commitment, than the introspection writings throughout the day on paper. As in ‘two or more in my name’; there is a witness to the life-commitment. Within the blog-writing I am satisfied with and as myself to express myself in what I stand for and as. This all because of me being part of a group of ‘journey to life – walkers’ 🙂 (which we actually are all as humanity) however here specificly with the application of the writing-tools find in Desteni I Process Lite as a free online-course. For all who are considering and / or hesitating to start a blog as a 7 years journey to life after doing this course; I can really recommend to start the writing.

I will continue on the subject of disappointment as I am not yet finished with this emotion. I find it very deep ingrained within me on many levels but all related to a particular area.

When looking back at my path with regards to relationships, the overall experience is….such a disappointment. Not about who I have met and walked with, but more in relation to the results, the endings, the non-continuation and so many start-overs.

I feel like I am at zero point within it all. Like nothing did make any sense of what I have walked in it, as it all lead to a death end, while I so much did my best to make it work. I know by consciousness that it is not about ‘a relationship with another’ mainly but more about the relationship with myself. Did this improve? Yes the relationship with myself did improve for sure.

Then what makes this experience of disappointment so deeply ingrained; what makes me feel such a failure in this area? I mean I can describe it more beautiful and see the lessons in it etc etc, however how I mainly experience myself in it all is not so beautiful. And this does not make it easier to open myself up for a potential new relationship / agreement and put myself out there. It feels like this sorrow and disappointment is all over my face and visible within my eyes; like a droopy. It feels like I have walked this same route a trillion times and perhaps it is a preprogramming existing throughout all my lives.

However, I am here in this one life, having the basics within myself and my life (housing, income, health, education) in a stable place and having the luck to be in a position to accomplish this. So, I everytime come back to the point that I will will myself to at least give it my all to become more satisfied with myself in this area and who knows, creating a satisfying sharing-ship (I just made up this word) that suits myself and another and so that is best for ourselves as life as a whole.

I notice that I am not living my best potential and that I actually have missed, again and again, my best potential in this one point. So I more see this area as a motivation to push myself beyond the mind. Making the strength out of a weakness where in this area I almost every day doubt if I will ever be able to make something more of myself. I more and more see how challenging it is to move myself beyond the mind-programming and how convenient and ‘natural’ it feels to stay within the comfort of what I already know.

I have had several times a ‘meeting’ with the bees (yes the insects) that stands out to me. First time was a few weeks ago when a swarm bees were flying above my garden. It gave a loud buzzing and they keep hanging around for quite some time. I just had read before an article that some swarms were being let out or something like that – I am not even sure if it was in my living-area – and to just let them be(e) as they were replacing themselves. A little while later I shared this with a befriended couple and we looked up the information about ‘meaning of meeting bees’ in your life. The thing that was clearly mentioned is the work effort they put in every day. On my way home after this meeting again…the swarm was passing over above my head. Very remarkable as it was days or even weeks later after the first time having the swarm above my garden. I looked it up again at home in another book – same thing mainly came forward, as putting in the work and effort.

Today in the garden I sat next to flowers with bees busy close to me and even sat on my legs now and then. Now within this all – what also did go through me is thoughts like ‘oh my, what if they come down in the garden and the cats are still out there (first time with the swarm above the garden) or today thoughts like ‘hmmm will it stick me when sitting on my leg’? But mainly I enjoyed them being around. And here, while taking a break of this blog with a coffee in the garden, again surrounded by these bees, what again comes to my awareness is to look at and integrate the work and effort. Like a bee being diligent.

I had reflected on this ‘work and effort’ earlier this week and actually came to see that I did Not really put in the work and effort to really Create a sharing-ship with a male-partner (I do bring in myself more in friendships with females and also males; that is why I mention it specific as male-partner here). It somehow looks like I do a lot for it but when looking back, I every time step in from a point of convenience and from there trying to bring in what I find important, which then mainly fails on long term. I am not yet making this last step, this push of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’. And within this I create an experience of disappointment and difficulty.

When really looking at this point of work and effort, it is not difficult persé but more a constant and continues effort of self-expression that may feel unnatural. And I see this on many levels and area’s, that achieving something is not difficult persé, but more a matter of who is bringing in the time and effort to create that something that is seen as a possibility as best for life as a whole.

So yes, here I have failed to do this and this level of ‘failing’ (Dutch and English blog) is hidden inside myself; where it looks from a mind-perspective that I ‘tried everything’. I find it a very much veiled dimension of why things may ‘fail’ to take shape and sustain. The mind makes it look like ‘everything has been done already’ when actually nothing is accomplished in and as a sustainable and effective matter. Welcome to how the world is build up and exist today.

No surprise then that the bees are ‘threatened in their existence’. As the bees Do bring in this effort and they Do matter, however we as the human race tend to destroy it all from a starting-point of the mind, of superiority, of making money more important than Life.

Here the word Humbleness does make sense a lot. As something that we need to integrate as humans in and as ourselves and so in and as our way of living.

Back to myself – I can use the word humbleness to support myself to start from scratch in this zero-point. I need to admit that I have not yet developped the best approach with regards to finding and creating a sharing-ship with a male partner. What I find striking as well in Leila’s blog, how she describes how walking a change, does contain admitting that I had not yet done and walked what is best in this area and this may exist as a reason / resistance and standing in the way, of actually changing for real:

(…) ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’ (…)

Let’s go to the application of self-forgiveness to open up and make room for the practical application of change; as a start of this change within and without.

Self-forgiveness being walked in the next blog.

The Consciousness of the Bees

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juni 14, 2019 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 807 – Embracing disappointment

After the writing of my last blog I looked some more days – up to a few weeks, in the experience of disappointment as it was still here with me every day. At one time I noticed in myself how I could immediately embrace it and then, what would happen is that some layer behind this experience, could open up. I noticed that through not opening up myself for this experience of disappointment to come in, I am ‘holding on’ to what is behind it and so I do not need to ‘let this go’ in a way.

So can I then say that I am only ready to embrace the experience of disappointment when and as I am ready to let go what is behind it that I am holding onto? Or can I actively support myself in embracing the experience of disappointment and from here, I get a better view on that what is hiding or stored behind it and so I can then support myself in this as well to do what is best for myself? It probably works both ways: actively embracing the experience of disappointment without forcing or trying to open up what may hiding behind.

Actually when I did come to this embracing of disappointment and opening up what is behind it in letting it go (forgiving myself in it) – The daily ‘presence’ of this experience of disappointment disappeared.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the experience of disappointment and within this, resisting a part of myself and so disconnecting myself from myself in which I then enlarge the experience of disappointment from this disconnection from myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself caught in an experience of disappointment en enlarging the separation / disconnection from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with an experience of disappointment, as a kind of safe bubble around me.

Does this relate with what Bernard once told me, that I use the experience of sadness as a reward? I will leave this as a question for myself as an opening to come to an answer through time, in really seeing it within myself, as at the moment what I see is the word ‘comfort’ as kind of safety around me, which can function as a reward as well theoretically, because energy is energy, so surely I should have started using it as a kind of energy reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself caught in an energetic reward system that is unknowingly functioning as a limitation system, feeling like ‘I am not coming over this’ and so cycling in an energetic experience of sadness and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with limiting emotional experiences like sadness and disappointment which on very deep levels, come together in / as a state of resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel disappointed or sad, hold myself and eventually speak from a starting-point of resentment and so resonating / bringing forward resentment and so what I may expect to be triggered is…resentment in another as well, especially when the experience of disappointment has not been embraced and openend up to and one is directly going into resentment as kind of protection to not experience disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to resentment as long as I am not willing / able to embrace the experience of disappointment and so what I keep creating in my life, are situations that reflect the hidden layer of resentment which may bring related experiences as hate and revenge.

Self-commitments:

When and as I notice an experience of disappointment within myself passing by, I stop and breathe. I realize that I need to take a moment to embrace the experience and so I commit myself to embrace myself in the experience of disappointment and to comfort myself in it so that I can heal, unite myself with this disconnected piece within and as myself and to open up what I may be holding on to underneath the experience of disappointment.

When and as I see a form of resentment in the background within me, as a kind of ‘hard wall’ somewhere deep inside, I stop and breathe. I realize that there may be an experience of disappointment within me that I have not yet embraced and so, I commit myself to take a moment to breathe and embrace myself unconditionally and see where or what the disappointment is related to and then bring this piece back to myself as a part of me.

When and as I see a reflection in my environment of some one directly living out resentment towards me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I may hold on to a resentment as well, related to the person and / or the situation that reflect on some memory within me and so, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to find what or who I feel disappointed about, to bring it back to myself as a piece of me and as a projection of a self-disappointment towards another or a situation and embracing myself in it unconditionally, to open up what is laying / hiding underneath.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman

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De Kronieken van Jezus

mei 25, 2019 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 806 – The experience of disappointment

One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.

A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:

Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.

I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressed within my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.

With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.

With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.

With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.

I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.

To be continued.

Understanding Expectation & Disappointment

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De Kronieken van Jezus

mei 3, 2019 door vanZielnaarLeven

Dag 805 – Recognizing it for what it is

I was looking at an experience within myself. A recurrent experience. The experience on itself comes up in me as self-hate. It circled over and over again but I was not able to stop it or look further into it. Looking as for example investigating; is it hate towards myself, is this possible or is it actually an experience / memory of hate towards another and then projected onto myself / my body? Still no progress.

Then I found, it is not hate, it is fear. There is always a fear behind it. So every time when the experience did come up, I reminded myself, it is fear; what is the fear behind it? I did not yet find an answer but within this, the experience of self-hate stopped, the attack on myself, inside myself, towards myself, stopped as it is a step towards self-responsibility. as in ‘not pushing it aside / away’ – towards my intestine for example, so an attack on my physical body – but the experience turned around and the question ‘what is the fear behind it?’ is bringing the experience upwards, towards the heart-area, closer towards ‘myself’ so to speak.

Another thing I see related is an experience of deep regret that I felt stored in my physical body, in the lower parts of my large intestines. I mentioned this towards Sylvie and she recommended an interview from the Atlanteans about regret. I did not yet listen but for the moment work with what she found so far (because it hit home for me):

“It is an emotional energy (with an experience of turning in the stomach) or it is a construct created through structural thinking-processes. With the last, self-judgements are related, as in ‘I wish I had done this or that’ etc.” (Dutch: “Het is of een emotionele energie (met maag draaiengevoel) of een constructie gecreeerd door structurele denkprocessen. Bij die laatste zijn zelfoordelen van de partij van had ik maar zo en zus, enzo”)

The last I recognized and made sense directly. There is a deep deep self-judgement existing within me and it takes my breath away; so with this self-judgement, I take my own breath away, I break down and cry. I would say it is as an ongoing attack towards myself and it feels like ‘I will never be able to come through this’.

This makes sense as here it all comes down to myself and what I am doing to myself. It is not already ‘solved’ with this and my body is still strained and / as it needs to be specified and forgiven, but it is a progress, a step forward and inward, towards myself.

Bernard also told me before in a different context, “you need to name / recognize it for what it is”. If I define it as something different, I am not able to open it up. So a sign that nothing is changing and that I am circling in the same experience over and over again, may indicate that I define an experience as something that it is not, or only a very small part of it and so I unable myself to forgive myself and go deeper. As I keep myself separated for what I have hidden inside of me.

So to start opening it up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep circling in an experience of self-hate without making any progress and without being able to stop myself in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear something and turn this into hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project hate onto my own intestine and attack my own intestine for not working properly, without being able to look further at what I am really doing inside myself, towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on a very deep level without being able to specify what I judge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away by judging myself for what I did or did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for every mistake, the small, the big and fear to be judged for every mistake, the small, the big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk on egg-shells inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to really relax with who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think and believe that I could have done better, trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and so fear consequences as I believe that with making consequences, I deserve punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘doing my best’ for a point of self-interest, in trying to keep something that I prefer and within this, trying to prevent consequences and walking on egg-shells, so that ‘I am not to blame’ which is my own back-lash coming at me, as a sabotage-pattern, to blame myself afterwards for ‘what I could have and should have’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step on myself and keep myself small, stamping myself in the ground so to speak with this construct, trying to stay invisible in perfectionism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack myself as soon as I even consider stepping outside / moving beyond a (pre)programming and so keeping myself imprisoned in my own mind-control, in fear for my own emotional self-attack and in hate of my own obedience towards control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep so much hate hidden and existing within me instead of embracing myself in my own rejected parts, constructs, experiences, protections and everything that I hide within me, piece by piece.

And so, I commit myself to become more gentle, more loose with myself, to distinguish between when to push and when to embrace myself, to distinguish in what I am able to and what not, to distinguish in my starting-point: is it fear or self-honesty? To define as specific as possible what I go through and to look directly in why I did do or not do something within the context and moment it is in and to no longer take it out of the context, into the future as a form of self-abuse of how I should have and could have because what is clear, I could not and so should not, otherwise I would have done it already. And from here, I commit myself to start trusting myself in where I am in my process and what I am able to and what not.

To be continued.