Dag 796 – The effect of writing

Art by Andrew Gable

I have written a blog in Dag 794 – A moment of change where in I found out the following:

” So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.”

In this blog I took an example of drinking a glass of wine at home; however I have seen myself doing this in different situations where an ‘energy-addiction’ is involved – meaning where I want to experience something before I am willing / able to stop it. This is so I see now, actually a form of self-manipulation and when others are involved – as for example within starting a relationship before being totally clear on the possibilities of it – then it automatically includes a manipulation towards another as well, although my intention is not to ‘manipulate’. But my starting-point contains this – maybe subtle – energetic self-manipulation and so, my starting-point will determine the outcome and so manipulation will take place in some form. And what I accept and allow within myself, I will accept and allow in another as well and so the reflection of this inner self-manipulation will show itself in the situation and / or within another and often in a larger degree, so that I will not miss it.

After writing the blog, I noticed that I now have seen this point, this tendency to firstly ‘follow the energy before stopping and pushing myself to the edge before I stop’ and so actually….I am not able to accept and allow myself to do this anymore. So now, when I do see a situation where in I am not 100% clear or sure, I am not able to accept and allow myself to ignore the ‘nagging presence’ in the background and move on with it anyway, in some way ‘hoping’ that it will solve itself miraculously, because I now have seen, realized and understand that it will not solve itself miraculously but the outcome / consequence will show exactly that what I have ignored at first in my starting-point.

This is an example of how the writing out of one practical example – if and when done from a starting-point of self-honesty and self-direction – will very much support with this one general point / tendency in many occasions in my life. This also shows how resistance or even rejection can be experienced with regards to the writing, because I ‘know’ on some level that the writing will be effective and reveal some ‘energy-addictions’ that I accept and allow to distract or actually, manipulate myself with and behind this I find a ‘fear of loss’ of this energy and the experience that it is giving. This experience of ‘fear of loss’ is showing itself as very real, because I made it real, by living it at first, by ‘building a life’ on ‘this belief’ so to speak and so the effect may give an experience of ‘collapsing’ and ‘walking through hell’, as in letting go of the illusions that I was holding on to. Illusions meaning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, hopes, dreams and what more, that all seem very ‘real’ in the mind but that is not grounded in a realistic, physical foundation.

So with the writing, I am able to quantify my process and walk it ‘faster’ in a way. I mean, I will walk through all the illusions anyway, also by first following my mind and then needing to let it go again, which is ‘the hard way’ as the letting go can be quite horrible to walk through. With the writing, I do have a tool to support myself, to start preventing myself from following the energy, from following that what is actually not best for myself in self-honesty and so, not best for all in self-honesty. Also here, there is a moment of letting go – as how I described in the blog as well – but it almost directly includes a moment of change, because I did not build up so much layers around it, I did not attach myself in all these layers (that I need to walk back and detach myself from and this ‘hurts’ emotionally) and so the way is much shorter and much more stable.

This is actually what we have done through our whole lives – building layer after layer, following the energy and ‘building a life’ on false beliefs in a way, despite our intentions being ‘good’ in it. One can imagine that walking back does take time, dedication and persistence, as these layers are integrated in our life and our physical bodies. We have become it in a way and we believe that ‘this is who I am’. And, we all did this, we have build relationships on this and so we actually have build a world (through relationships) on this foundation from and within a manipulative starting-point (energy). And this is very much visible in the world and how we exist today in totality. For more context read Relationship Dynamics

I will continue with some self-forgiveness on this point in a blog to come.

As a short feedback after writing the mentioned blog: There are no thoughts coming up anymore in relation to drinking this glass of wine when being at home. In the beginning it did come up now and then and with the support of this blog I was able to directly let it go and as I notice now, it is not a point anymore, it is not coming up as a possibility or desire or need and mostly not even as a thought anymore. That is great self-feedback and self-proof after walking layer after layer as a process through the years of what process actually entails.


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Dag 795 – Am I willing to be heard? Letting go of the least potential.

“Here, again – it is all about losing control. You have given some characters so much control, that it even regulates how you release the waste, which is that which you no longer require, but if you are releasing that which can be beneficial and the body disagrees with you – you’re going to become constipated, because your constitution which is what is best for you – is being Hijacked by your characters of fear, and therefore you are releasing as waste – which is actually nutrition for you, while a physical female form some very deep explosive self forgiveness is required where you face this and say “No More will I live half-heartedly, I will Live with my Whole Heart and Open myself to the Potential to be Heard, because unless I am willing to be Heard and willing to Feel pain – I will never be able to actually explore what is actually possible as love and pleasure”. Interestingly enough, one will allow yourself to be guided by your Fear, which is the Least Potential – instead of everything that would make you Whole, which is the Most Potential. Realise the Pattern – write it out, Forgive it and TALK about it with the Potential partner – no matter how strange it sounds. That is how one build intimacy which may result in Trust.”

We were having one of the weekly group chat’s on destonians.com (which is free to join for who is interested) where I was writing about ‘letting go’ and my issues with it. Here Leila suggested to re-read an old chat with Bernard as it seems very much related to this point and perhaps I see new dimensions in it. So I openend it up again and indeed I see how it is already describing the whole pattern in one chat, however to really walk it into detail within myself, it may take a life-time. To mention here that the releasing of waste is improving through time so I am walking it in the physical; what I see is that I walked through the fear in real time which was quite a journey. I would say it is time now to transcent it into the start of a new creation within and as myself, so no longer manifesting the fear-result from letting guide me by fear which is the least potential, but starting to open myself up for everything that would make me whole, which is the most potential.

I have taken out this alinea (here above) to start with – well, already in this alinea, there is sooo much written. I will start with self-forgiveness on one line to open it up for and within myself. What I notice with the writing of a blog, is that not everything can be written out in the blog but it has an effect also after writing, where the ‘opening up’ continues within myself and many times, I walk the continuing self-forgiveness after the writing of the blog and the point is here to walk so to speak; I did bring it ‘here’ for myself and actually with doing so, I am stating that ‘I am ready to take on this point within myself’ and so I do.

Here is the line I start applying self-forgiveness on:

“No More will I live half-heartedly, I will Live with my Whole Heart and Open myself to the Potential to be Heard, because unless I am willing to be Heard and willing to Feel pain – I will never be able to actually explore what is actually possible as love and pleasure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and have lived half-heartedly by not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to be Heard and not willing to feel pain (of what may come from this) and instead, place myself in a position where I am willing to be Hurt because of placing myself in and staying in a position where I am not being heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the easy way of ‘being hurt by another’, instead of actually doing the work and putting in the effort within myself to Will myself towards willing to be heard and willing to feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for my own well-being by placing myself in and staying in a position where I am not being heard and so, keeping myself in my comfort-zone as the easy way of not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain and if I am hurt because of this, having a door open for (hidden) blame towards another as the potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, leaving a door open to blame the potential for me not being heard and instead, letting myself hurt in this which seems to be ‘done by’ the potential but in the starting-point, it is still me who have placed and kept myself in this position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the potential to not take responsibility and within this, hurting me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not living the most potential within and as myself as in ‘willing to be heard and willing to feel pain’ and so another will not be able to live the most potential within self and with me as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself and another / the potential within the least potential by letting myself guided by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to be willing to be heard and to be willing to feel pain and instead, trying to push the potential to go through their pain so that the potential will not hurt me anymore and so, I do not have to feel pain myself and am ‘automatically’ being heard without putting in the effort to express myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get around ‘being heard and feeling pain’ and so actually choose the way to be hurt and so still, feeling pain but continuously in a compromised and abusive / manipulative way because I manipulate the situation myself, by letting myself guide by fear as the least potential and expressing me from this compromised starting-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder why the potential is not living the most potential when all the while, I am not living the most potential by/as myself and so resonating and living ‘fear as guidance’ as the least potential.

When and as I see myself in a position where another is ‘hurting me’, I stop and breathe. I realize that I somehow, somewhere am not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain and so, somewhere /somehow, I am keeping my mouth closed from words that I need to express as the most potential or, that I am not willing to feel pain to transcent a point, which is now playing out as a consequential situation. I commit myself to find the point of fear that I need to transcent and apply self-forgiveness on it and to find the words to express within and as myself and so support myself to bring myself out of the compromised position; first within and when and as required, without.

When and as I see myself holding back to a potential within what I actually would like to express, I stop and breathe. I realize that I let myself guide by fear as my least potential, which may result in a consequential situation of being hurt. I commit myself to find what I fear (to loose) and to apply self-forgiveness on it and from here, support myself to bring myself into expression with words that are best for all (involved) as the most potential; to start and keep practicing over and over again and so accumulate in self-trust in very small steps, breathe by breathe, out of the easy way as the least potential and into self-expression as the most potential.

I commit myself to Will myself to be willing to be heard and to be willing to feel pain.

To be continued.


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Dag 794 – A moment of change

I am used to drink little to no alcohol. This has not always been the case. During my studying years, I did go out a lot and used more alcohol than was good for my body. So I mostly was drinking with others in the weekends or on free days, however I also remember having some wine in the house and then on Wednesday, started taking a glass in home when being alone and then used some up till the weekend again. I did not feel so well with this and also not with the effect of it and at some point, I decided to stop this because I noticed an addiction pattern in it that bothered me, no matter how small the amount was as for example ‘only one or a half glass of wine’.

Through the years, I brought down the intake up till the point of little to no drinking at all. I still liked the taste of a nice glass of wine but I have seen so much trouble around me and close to me through an abusive intake of alcohol, that I developed a bit of a dislike towards drinking alcohol in general.

I am now living alone again and I noticed that I sometimes felt the ‘need’ (behoefte-Dutchto drink a little wine when being at home and alone, for example ‘a glass of wine before/during cooking’. I tried this out a few times, looking at how to approach this and what the effect is on myself. I was looking at allowing myself to sometimes have a glass of wine during cooking, or deciding to not drink alone at all and keeping a glass of wine as a form of enjoyment when being with someone else – for example a friend or a family member. I still did like the first few sips very much:, the taste and the ‘warm’ effect in the body. But I also noticed the same ‘pattern’ as twenty years before coming up when drinking a glass of wine in the house: I was ‘looking forward to this’; I had an ‘open bottle’ in the house (even when I buy bottles of 250 cc I have this open till next time) that I then tend to take the next day ‘because it is open’; I did feel a bit ‘fuzzy’ after drinking it. Things like that.

After a few times, I decided to not buy this small bottle for myself to keep in the house. At one afternoon, I felt like ‘having a glass of wine’ and was looking if I should buy some or not and how to put this in place for myself. I actually and self-honestly, wanted to keep this drinking for some occasional enjoyment when for example being with a friend and/or having a nice diner, something like that, but I also liked the taste when having a little by myself. However I did not like ‘being busy’ with this in my head, every time that I start cooking for example. I did notice this ‘need’ keeping existing and coming up within me as to fulfill something within myself in these moments. And in that moment, that afternoon, I changed something.

I decided to not go for this ‘need’ and to stick with my initial approach (to occasional have a nice drink together to enjoy as a delicacy). There was this one moment where I needed to walk through an experience of ‘emotional loss’ – I cannot describe exactly what it was. But I noticed, because I had not allowed myself to build it up through time again, that it was only that one moment that I needed to stand with/as myself in this self-honest approach, before the energy decreased and I was through.

In this moment I did see clearly that a build up through time makes it difficult to keep standing when an energy is coming up and ‘trying to take over’ so to speak. This gives many layers and emotional/feeling connections that needs to be ‘disconnected’ and released, that makes it feeling like ‘undoable’ and immens. But in this moment, I saw what the direct way of ‘not accepting and allowing’ is giving me: a strength and deep satisfaction and after this, time and quietness to focus on other things. Because I did not accept and allow to let it become an issue and distraction again.

I was able to do this quickly because I had already walked this path extensively and going there again was not needed to piece myself together. However it now also gives myself a reference of the ‘reward’ so to speak (the peace, satisfaction, quietness and space) of directly/immediately standing with and as my self-honesty – although I may not see everything that is connected on forehand. Where I did see that I am used to check on forehand within myself, ‘if I am able to step out again if needed’. So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.

This is not the most effective way and I can distract myself with this a whole life (and actually I have distracted myself with this many many years already). I now for the first time saw direct the effect of accumulation of energy and what it takes to walk through this and how I can instead, bring myself more and more to this direct/immediate point of standing and change in a moment. And this then can also start accumulating, in a beneficial way, for myself and life as a whole, into and towards my self-honest standing; moment by moment, breath by breath.

After this it did not come up again as a ‘need’ or desire’ to have a glass of wine in the house alone and this is a relief. A thought may come up now and then but not loaded with energy anymore and so not much of my attention is going to this point anymore. That was what I noticed in this one moment of change, that I stand and changed and released and I was through and it was done. Because I had not build up a lot of energetic attachments around it again/anymore. And when it comes up as a thought, I am satisfied with my decision/approach/stand and so I can ‘stand with/as myself’ in this.

As an addition, I decide to drink an occasional glass of wine with others, because this is what I can self-honestly stand with and enjoy as a delicacy; when I at the same time have already proven to myself as walked before, that I will let go and stop drinking any glass of wine if I see that this is better/best for me and/or others in my life in time to come or in a certain period of time.


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Dag 793 – Do you like to be criticized?

 

ways to react to criticism

I was looking into the experience that I ‘did not like’ to receive some criticism but at the same time having the thought/belief that ‘I should be okay with it’. This then leads to having to process the critic in itself – which is mostly something that will only support me to better myself in a constructive way – and at the same time, being busy with processing my own reaction to ‘being criticized’ which gives an extra layer and is not so constructive in the end. So I already can work with (constructive) criticism because I am able to see the common sense in it and self-honest enough to introspect, but I had not yet opened up the level of the experience of ‘being criticized’ in itself and what this does to me.

It took me a while to admit to myself that I simply did not like the experience of being criticized and that this is ‘okay’. I do not need to ‘like’ it or ‘being cool’ with it. This also brings me to much more understanding that ‘constructive criticism’ from my side can cause a reaction in another and so I need to give time to process this as well and also to be careful with what and how I bring in something with regards to the location-point of another (and myself as well). It is not possible to ‘avoid any reaction’, as I have seen that almost nobody likes to find out (in the moment) that one better could have done something different. Yes we can learn to approach criticism in a constructive way, however the moment we find out something that we did not see or admit before as something destructive, this moment in itself is not a nice experience and so we need to process this, especially if we had no clue of for example ‘doing something wrong’ but also simply because of finding out we made a mistake.

I do experience fear to bring in some constructive criticism in certain situations, when and as needed, because of fearing this reaction to criticism in the moment from another. I see now that part of this fear is my own belief of ‘I should be okay with criticism’ and so this functions as a judgement towards any reaction to criticism, from myself and from another, that exist as (part of) a ‘fear’ within me. So this is a layer I now can start standing equal to and one with, within myself and so towards and with another as well; to align to taking time for myself to process constructive criticism towards a needed correction within and as myself and I can use this to better align with what and how I bring in something as a potential correction as what I see that is best for all and to take equal responsibility in this.

Some self-forgiveness and self-corrections on my findings to support myself in this process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not like being criticized’ and because I do not like the experience, to tend to catapult this back to the one who is bringing in the criticism in a form of (hidden) blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should ‘like being criticized’ or at least ‘being cool’ with it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not need to like it or being cool with it to use it in a constructive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait to like it or being cool with it before I really integrate the criticism, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is giving a delay in processing information, forgiveness and correction within and as myself because I then am ‘waiting’ for an experience of ‘like’ or ‘being cool’, when I actually can only integrate the criticism as an experience of satisfaction, once I have already forgiven and corrected myself in and as this physical reality within and as this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘not being liked’ anymore when and as I receive a point of criticism and so I already go into a ‘dislike’ of and as myself as a form of remorse to in this way, try to ‘still be liked’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to show some remorse and because I resist to ‘show remorse’, I actually delay my own correction process; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the self-forgiveness and self-correction in itself is what is needed and of much more consistent and continues value within this physical reality than an experience of remorse, where an excuse can be made when and as needed, but this only does make sense within a starting-point of walking the self-forgiveness and self-correction as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reaction to criticism, within myself and from another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am judging my own reaction to criticism from a point of belief that ‘I should like it’ or ‘be cool with it’ and so I expected this from another as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from another that what I belief I should be able to be myself, without introspection on what I belief and expect from myself in an unrealistic way and from here, build layer after layer of self-judgement in and as my mind and projected on this physical reality as well.

When and as I see myself reacting to a form of criticism, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may not like it or may not being cool with and that is okay and I realize that I can take time to process and investigate the criticism and that I do not need to be clear with it in that one moment and I realize that I do not need to ‘like it or be cool with it’ to effectively investigate and process the criticism.

I realize that I then more am protecting an experience of ‘liking’ or ‘being cool with it’ which is creating conflict within me and distracting me as well from the point of criticism as well and so it is okay to ‘not be cool’ or ‘not like it’ in a moment.

I commit myself to practice to unconditionally embrace my own reaction to criticism, to take time to process this and to bring it into myself for introspection – my possible reaction and the criticism in itself – and to from here, see what I can forgive and correct within myself in relation to my possible reaction and in relation to the point of criticism; to see where and what is ‘on me’ to forgive and correct and to also see where it may not be (totally) aligned and perhaps coming from a projection or (hidden) reaction from another towards me.

When and as I experience a fear to bring in a potential possibility of correction in a situation/towards another that I see as what is best for all/all involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may fear a reaction because I judge how someone respond to criticism as how I judge myself in how I react to criticism or, how I react to a possible reaction to criticism of another towards me, as this can be spiteful as well as a form of identified mind-protection as if ‘this is who I am’ or coming from a self-belief as how I for example believed that ‘I should like – or be cool with criticism’.

I commit myself to take time to be careful with what I bring in and to align with myself in clarity of what I bring in and how, as a clear reference-point for myself if and when another may react but, to prevent myself from ‘walking on egg-shells’, to if and when I am misaligned, use this as an opportunity to forgive and correct myself as preparation for another moment.

I commit myself to give myself space to embrace my dislikes (and likes as well) and to introspect what self-believes there are behind it that makes it more difficult for myself to effectively process ‘criticism’ in the world as a whole.

rain


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Dag 792 – Getting a grip on the worst of me – a start

Getting-a-Grip-on-Love

“Allow yourself to cry and let go

because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”

I received a self-reflection (from myself/my beingness) that the mourning about letting go of a relationship is a letting go of the worst of me. Why am I holding on so much to ‘the worst of me’?

I see a belief in myself that within this, it is the only possibility for a relationship with another (not friendship but partner relationship) and if I look further, for a relationship with this specific ex-partner and so if I let go of this worst part of me, I need to let go of him (in/as my mind where in I still hold on) as this is wherein we connected (which is in itself not so cool if plain looked at) and so I never will be able to be with the best of him. So actually I hold on to this worst (in/as the mind-as the mind contains the worst of ourself) as connection as an opening to the potential best, out of fear of ‘loosing him’ in totality, because, ‘what if he is not willing to let go of his worst (mind) and so not coming ‘with me’? Where in I continue letting open a backdoor for my (and his/another’s) worst self taking the best of me in/as my mind.

I am somewhere walking in circles here and refusing to ‘let go’ where I react to the words ‘letting go’. I simply don’t like ‘letting go’ and don’t want this.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of the worst of me where I am having difficulties with defining what this worst exactly contains and where I see that what I accepted and allowed, as ‘not so bad’ and so, I do not really see the need to let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue like this, that I will be okay and fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really care about myself and my future, not as in a really waking up with only myself as a cross-reference and that I need a relationship to show me what I have accepted and allowed and still then I do not really/completely see it and here I do need my house as a cross-reference where in I see the beauty of what I have created so far for/as myself as something that I do not want to be insulted by violence and abusive behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find my house and my cats more important to take care of than me, as ‘I can have it but I cannot let it happen to them’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how far I have let myself down and go, where in I see that I did ‘let myself go’ and so ‘I don’t like a letting go and I don’t want this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sense any of myself in myself and so I need to walk it by principle and by reflection of my environment, animals and relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find myself worthy of standing up only for myself, as if I am not allowed to do this without permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for permission of someone or something outside myself to stand up and let go of that what I see that is not working out well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to self-blame of what I have accepted and allowed and so I am not able/willing to let go of that what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need the printed words of myself to remind myself what I am looking at and to immediately forget and go blank as soon as I put the paper down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the best of another to fulfill me instead of living and expressing the best of/as myself with what I accept and allow and what not and sharing from here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to miss out on the best of another and to need to keep standing with another no matter how bad, to eventually come to the best, thinking and believing that within doing so, I live the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that continuesly standing with another is showing the best of me and so sooner or later, another will show his best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer ‘standing with another’ over ‘standing with/as myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer standing with and focusing on another’s worst self over standing with and focusing on my own worst self, where in I actually feed my own worst self because I become frustrated and go into self-blame under the surface that only stops, when another stops his worst self and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make another responsible for my well-being within my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like grasping in the dark and not seeing anything, where in I can refer this to what a shaman already years ago mentioned, that I am afraid to go into the ‘dark forest that is me’ and so this ‘dark’ is where I need to be although I do not see where it goes and what is there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather ‘be with him’ than ‘with myself alone in/as the dark as the unknown’ which is only in my mind when being alone, because as soon as before it was showing in reality where it was ‘getting out of hand’, I certainly did not want to continue like that and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unrealistic in/as my mind and hold on to a feeling-connection to the past to the ‘good moments’ and so not focusing on me now and here, with and as myself alone and how I can support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to really see and change my approach because then I may find out what I could have done different and so I perhaps could have prevented things for going into this death end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the ending of the relationship as a death end and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able and willing to conceive the concept of not/never seeing him again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see death as an ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect with a partner via the worst of me in acceptance and allowance and so making our connection dependable on the worst of me in acceptance and allowance without any possibility to live the best of me (as well for myself as for himself) with each other because this means that we need to let go of the connection that we created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this connection a source of keeping my worst intact and to feed my/our worst, because whenever I (or he) would move into the best of me, a fear of loosing the connection will come up in one or both of us that will feed the worst and as well, a ‘holding on to the worst’ will take place for the one that fears the most in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to find out that I could have changed the outcome by/as myself and that I am searching for a ‘larger force’ that is responsible for the relationship as ‘Love’ as a force that will survive no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself towards ‘Love’ and to see ‘Love’ bigger as me that will stay ‘intact’ no matter what happens, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that love can be destroyed or expanded by and through myself in who I am and by and through another in who he is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a good example of what love means in and as myself while speaking about it more than once, simply by my acceptance and allowance of what I do accept in my life and what not and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being the example that I really intended and tried to be and from here, going into a victimization of myself of ‘nobody understand me in what an effort I have put in to make it work).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on ‘the work/what I do’ while missing out on ‘who I am’ within and as my starting-point of acceptance and allowance and so no matter what I do, the ‘who I am’ will determine the outcome, exactly as how I predicted in and as a projection towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first connect in/as the mind through attraction and love and from here, into the beingness and physical and so, making the beingness and physical connection dependent on the mind in and as attraction and love which is creating ground for emotional grieve when and as going through a necessary release of the created connections to get out of the mind-connection and manipulative patterns that automatically comes within acceptance and allowance in love and attraction – the connection is manipulated infact already and needs to be purified within and as self, before a real physical and beingness connection is possible to be made.

A process to be continued

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Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 791 – A mourning process and to Rise up

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A while ago I got the ‘advice’ (from myself / my own beingness actually) to take the time to mourn about a relationship ending. I did not really come to a mourning because I did not want it ‘to be over’ and if I go into a mourning, this would mean that it would be ‘over’. Besides this it concerns a difficult situation with many aspects that made it challenging to go into a mourning.

I did had made the step forwards to move on alone, due to the situation only becoming worse for both of us when staying together; however when already being into this situation, I was still refusing to really move through. So I did move myself into ‘what is best for me and both of us’ eventually, however when coming into the actual experiences coming up while walking this direction, I refused to really embrace it / myself in it and make peace with the current situation, holding on to ‘hope’ and future projections of ‘what if’.

When writing this blog I come into this ‘sinking feeling’ again of the sadness and ‘rediculessness’ of the situation. I will write more about it in relation to this situation  – and relationships in general  – with insights and realizations in time to come and what it all has to do with, what systems are involved that makes it so immens to walk through.

Firstly I would like to describe a change in the mourning process that I currently noticed within me.

I had a few activities last week sceduled in. There was a second course afternoon of the mandala-drawing related to the second chakra. I noticed sadness in relation to this ‘area’ and quietly started the drawing. I somehow expected a lot of sadness and messyness within me while drawing and visible within the drawing, however what I expressed on paper looked very harmonious, subtile, soft and almost ‘silent’; like ‘nothing wrong with me’. This supported me to stop a part of the ‘missing’ and to start redefining sexuality, sensuality into a more physical and fulfilling presence instead of an endless experience of  missing and desire, projected on a relationship with another (a process of redefining still to walk).

Then I started to go to a training, a sport-lesson in the new living environment (I changed house and environment). I used to go every week but did not go for 4 months while I was busy with all the moving and renovation of the house. I now have settled down a bit and found myself ready to pick it up; the physical labour became less heavy and I started really ‘missing’ the physical work-outs. I found a gym to start and try out some group-lessons and the first one I participated in was a power-yoga-lesson.

While doing this I noticed a stand coming through within me, a sort of physical stability and satisfaction that I come into within the lessons, due to how a training is set up. This I really like about the group-lessons. After this I went home and sit down to watch a part on tv of ‘the voice of Holland’ that probably everyone is familiar with. I will in a moment describe why I like watching this ‘program’.

It was still in the first rounds. There was a lady coming up, she had introduced herself as that she had moved through a difficult period of many trials and errors and now becoming more present and satisfied within herself. She came up and just stand there, focussed on herself and waiting for the music and when the music started, she started the singing. She did barely nothing more than standing there quite ‘silently’ with regards to her body and only…….singing. It was overwhelming ‘good’ and especially authentic, staying close to herself and it was the song ‘Rise up’ so very suitable to what she described as her situation.

(First link is the record of the song that I speak about and second link the original song with text).

I was sitting and watching and tears rolling over my face and noticing – through that lady and the song – the strength of the decision to ‘rise up’. Here I noticed how a rising up of one (this lady in this case), can be an example for another (me in this case) to do the same, to rise up in our own unique way. It would actually be a waste to not do this, to hold back, because then what we resonate is a ‘holding back’ and so another will pick this up as well and this is not an example that one potentially would like to resonate as what is best for all.

This example describes why I watch a program like the voice of Holland as I enjoy and find it valuable to see (a part of) one’s potential, one-self coming through, in this case within the expression of singing.

I hold this song, the title and the physical experience within me the days after and I noticed a change within me. Where I before was moving through the days within a drowning feeling, I now was able to carefully see a glimpse  ‘beyond it’. It does not ‘end’ with this drowning or sinking, there is more beyond. It was not so that I wanted to ‘give it all up’ before. I did had / have created enough basic foundation for myself in the past 7 years to already ‘know’ that there is more and at the same time, I did come in such a nice living environment in many ways that this is as a ‘soft bed’ for me, catching me while going through the mourning. However the sinking feeling was with me for weeks, every day again, without me knowing where or how it would decrease and still it is with me in a way. But it changed. It is like walking through and awakening from a nightmare; from a dark night and dark nights on end.

I noticed that ‘not living the best of me’ has many aspects involved of why I am not (yet) doing this, however a main aspect that I see is that it is somehow based on revenge. Revenge of the ego. We often and mostly focus on all the deeply saddening reasons, circomstances, influences and what more, however in every situation (if and when certain basics – food, roof, physical care and support – are covered) there comes a time where we are able to stand up and move towards the best version of ourself and if not, it is based on blame, revenge, resentment, no matter how much ‘fear’ is involved. And this is what I noticed within myself: not moving myself forwards, not ‘rising up’ is revenge in itself.

Note: how and where and why we developped it like this, is individual and personal for every one and it takes a process to move ourself through all the painfull, perhaps horryfic and abusive memories, situations, upbringings, circomstances etc etc. so to not baggetalize all the inner and outer horrors in the world, as it is an ‘accumulated nightmare’ in a way as how we have accepted and allowed ourself and this world to be and become.

What I found as well in this mourning process is a start, a decision to start with living words. I am already longer looking at this however I could not get a grip on it of where and how to start that did make sense to me – meaning not from a starting-point of ‘knowledge and information’ as this is ‘not making sense to me’ because it doesnot really integrate and keeps on in that way. I noticed that it first needed to become ‘empty’ in a way within me with actually the only possibility left to recreate and fulfill myself through the start of….living words.

What really supports me in this is to combine it with physical, tangable actions or examples, like how I write here, this can be a song or a training or a drawing. This gives more body and makes it easier for me to ‘embody’ it at the same time while redefining and even finding the words within and while the physical action or example takes place. A whole process ahead, to open up and explore with many options possible to combine it with and bring it into expression, within and as myself and my life.

When we find it in us, let’s Rise up. For the ‘you’ as ourself as Life as a whole. A thousand times. Until we Stand.

To be continued – thanks for reading.

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PS directly after finalizing this blog my laptop crashed. For more context to process visit:

Desteni.org

Desteniiprocess.com/courses

Eqafe.com


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 790 – How to speak on the phone? Self-forgiveness on Dag 789

telefoon

Application of self-forgiveness on the event I described in Dag 789.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction when and as I heard that they did not come for the floor that day, where I started to speak out within this reaction towards the one on the helpdesk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to accept that the floors were coming later and to insist that they would bring in another solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed that the floors would come 3 weeks later because I sceduled everything on time and now it seemed as if my whole scedule did not make sense anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I now need to replace all and everything from 3 rooms again and to find it ‘unfair’ that I need to do this and arrange this when I did scedule everything perfectly and where the mistake was not on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that the compensation for the discomfort that they created was very minimal and so basicely, I feel like their mistake is only giving me trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties to see mistakes as a natural thing that may happen from time to time where people are working together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expected that the floors would not give any trouble as this was one of the only two things that I let someone else do, so that I did not need to worry about it and now it turned out that I did need to ‘worry about it’ as they did not put in the floor on time which is giving a lot of discomfort and extra work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like the extra work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extra work as if I will be ‘burried under the work’ and not get it done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel almost blanko after this happening and to not see it in perspective anymore, where actually all the other activities could just on how I planned it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feeling worse and more ‘out of line’ through my own reaction on the phone, when I heard that they did not come for the floors without informing me about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force a solution coming out by speaking in reaction towards the helpdesk, believing that speaking in reaction will give the urge for them to do something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not heared and understood in what the consequences are of them not coming and so, try to make this more clear by speaking in an emotional state so that they see that I am affected by it and so with this, expecting them to do something about it.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction on the phone with a helpdesk, feeling like ‘I have the right to do this because I am right about it as ‘it is ot my fault’, I stop and breathe.

I realise that it doesnot make anyone feel better and I also realise that I can be clear and direct in my expression, without being in reaction – actually even better of course because speaking in a reaction will only resonate the energy that I experience within me and so my words will probably not be heared. I realise that I make myself ineffective by speaking in a reaction, no matter how ‘unfair’ a situation is or may seem – the reaction will not bring in any solution.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, clear my voice and speak clear and direct towards (employers working at) a helpdesk and if and when needed, name and define to them what it does to me, what the consequences are of the miscalculations, however making sure that I do not go into a (hidden) blame that resonates within my voice and keep this for myself to stop and investigate.

When writing this (compressed) self-forgiveness I see that there are two main points that I need to introspect, forgive and mostly redefine more for myself to live it in a more effective way:

I realise that I react to extra work and lot’s of physical work in general and so I commit myself to investigate and write about it in blogs to come so that I can support myself in this without feeling overwhelmed by it.

I notice that I still don’t like the word/happening of a ‘mistake‘ and so I commit myself to introspect and redefine this word for the view and living of myself (and so the view of others as well in this) with the support of Eqafe interviews that are done about this subject.

telefoon rustig


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive