Dag 763 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of worry

Continuing from Dag 762 – The word behind waiting with self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and get worried and to not want to face the fact as reality that there is actually something to ‘worry about’ because it is a problem and I do not want to face this because I fear my reaction to it when it happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘tiptoe around’ that what I actually see under the surface and to start worrying about when it comes up or when to opens it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill a ‘need’ within me and so, not wanting to see the problem that may stand in the way of fulfilling this need and so, I create the ‘need’ to start worrying about it because I somewhere, somehow know that it will come to the surface and play out and ‘break up’ between me and that what I want to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill that what I need within a way that seems ‘best for all’ where my starting-point is not yet clear, as long as I am dependent on what I want to fulfill and so, I create the opportunity to worry for myself within the certainty that one day, this what I worry about will take place and play out because under the surface, it is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that what I see in common sense and under the surface, will not take place, will somehow magically disappear or be solved in a way that I perhaps may have missed, where at the same time and within common sense I would be ‘quite surprised’ if it will not take place because this physical realm and life in it’s essence, follows certain ‘laws’ or ways that cannot be denied and how the mind consciousness system is build up in this, can also not be denied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hope’ that ‘the life within’ is already stronger than what I see with common sense and am aware of and so actually I am hoping for a miracle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘worry’ about not knowing what to do or how to step in or not step in at the moment that happens what I worry about and so I am actually worrying about ‘myself not directing myself’ in what I see that may assist and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to keep waiting or worry to not keep waiting and move on in a direction that I actually don’t want but that I feel like I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about me not having the influence that is needed or to not acting on the potential that I see that is needed and that I can or may have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having influence, out of fear of not directing myself and acting on what I see that may be the best thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in a ‘trial and error’ situation and to fear others as myself as well to get angry for this and at the same time, fearing others to get angry when what I do is not a mistake at all but triggering a reaction of resistance that is expressed towards me or even within me in and as myself as my own ‘backlash’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like moving through an invisible wall of a thick and densed cloud of resistance.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of worry, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am ‘waiting’ before that what I see that is under the surface, is coming up and that I at the same time, try to find ways to prefend it coming up, in a hope that it is not needed and that I do not need to go through the experience when and as it comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the point that I see under the surface because I cannot stand within the experience of fear and worry for my own experiences when and as it comes to surface and so, I rather ‘have it now’ but at the same time, want to find a way that it doesn’t need to come up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and pull towards that what I see under the surface and doing this within an experience of fear, worry and hope and at the same time, seeing that it is best and needed to come to the surface because then it is visible and so it can be forgiven and solved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and to blame others for consequences that I need to go through, as well that I think and believe that ‘others created’, where in I see now that the blame in itself is giving an experience of sadness and then me fearing the experience of sadness that comes up within the consequence, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this experience firstly within myself by going into blame towards others and then trying to ‘prevent’ the consequence to play out by opening it up on forehand, while I still speak within a subtile energy of blame and so the blame resonates within my words and behaviour where in I am actually creating the experience that I fear, namely ‘to be blamed’ for the consequence that opens up (which then brings up the experience of sadness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be blamed for what I see, when I bring up what I see and so I tend to not voice myself about what I see, from where I more and more go into ‘blaming others’ for what I see happening but what I am not speaking about.

I commit myself to first clear myself from aspects of (subtile or hidden) blame before I voice myself about what I see and I commit myself to take responsibility for the consequences that I create or have created when and as I speak or have spoken or may speak in blame, by going back to the drawing-board within and as myself and looking at what I fear to experience when a consequence may play out (as what is needed to make things visible at the surface from the deep waters within), by forgiving myself for my part in it and by possibly supporting another when and as needed and within my capacity and stability as what is best for the live in it all to open up or ‘germinate’, within myself as others as well.


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

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Dag 762 – The word behind ‘waiting’

Within my last blog I opened up some dimensions or aspects of the word ‘waiting’. What I see is that behind the word waiting, there is another word ‘waiting’ for me to open up; a word that is related to how I experience ‘waiting’ in certain occasions. The word behind it is the word ‘worry’.

I am aware of the information that as well my mother as my grandmother, did participate a lot in an experience of worry. My grandmother was – in my eyes – open about this, she called my mother every day when she was older and living alone after her husband passed away. My mother was keeping it more inside from my perspective though was also showing it. An example is that she for example could not sleep before I arrived at home in the night as a teenager/young adult. But, if she knew I was sleeping somewhere else, she did sleep. So here I see it is also related to a ‘waiting’.

I did experience resististance to this ‘worry’ about me during that time, however I do very well understand it now more and more and how it is not so easy to direct oneself in this experience. I see myself worrying the most when I do not have information about a certain situation. So when for example someone who is close to me, is not approachable and I do not have the information about what is going on and so I have to ‘wait’ for more information or communication, then the experience of worry is coming up. Or when an animal is becoming sick and I am not yet sure what to do or what is goingand what the outcome will be, I start to worry.

What I already see is that it is related to a lack of insight and information that gives the experience of worry within me and then a fear of loss is coming up. Here I start to participate in the experience – or let’s say even ‘state’- of waiting, as a waiting for the information opening up so that  I can make a plan of approach and direct myself in this. In this time of not yet having the information, I start participating in a ‘state of waiting’ and ‘not finding myself’ being able anymore to focus on something else and so to direct myself in this. I become then completely occupied in/as a mind-state or experience that is influencing who I am and what I do.

When I write this, I experience it as ‘impossible’ to really change this in myself to no longer participate in an experience or state of worry in a way that influences me on who I am and what I do, however in knowledge and information and from a point of common sense, I know it is possible to learn to direct myself in this, altough I do not yet see how this will be. So I can only work with the tools of now opening up this programming within me, within the writing and then starting with self-forgiveness on this deep ingrained experience of worry behind the waiting. Where I then actually am ‘waiting’ for myself to direct myself, so within an experience of worry, I am ‘waiting’ as well.

In next blog I will open up more within the application of self-forgiveness on the experience of worry and from here, see the next step in this process. Let’s start with making the ‘seemingly impossible’ possible; by walking into the unknown of how to do this, yet having the tools of self-support to guide myself in this.

Desteni I Process


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 760 – What am I passionate about?

I was looking within myself this morning for what I am passionate about, what makes me move, wanting to get op in the morning? I have seen many times within me, that I project my passion on a relationship and then ‘needing’ the relationship to ‘live my passion’. In this I make myself dependent on the relationship and/or partner and I place a lot of pressure on the relationship and partner (and on myself) as well.

I have also found some area’s through my life, that really have my deep interest, like for example the natural medicine and animals. However this I have found, is still not the ‘core’ of what I find that really matters. I have found in this that I can not totally ‘go for it’ – like for example starting a natural medicine practice, which is something that I have tried as well, but that has not been coming from the ground. There is always something ‘missing’ as something that makes it ‘matter’ within myself.

Then we can of course say from a point of knowledge and information, that it is ‘me’ that is missing, that ‘I’ make it work or not. And that is so, but still it is undefined, as what is this ‘me’ that I want to bring in?

This morning I came to the insight that what matters for me and what I am passionate about, is ‘Principled Living’.

Principled living is what I have learned to define within the past 6-7 years, since I started to walk with Desteni and the Desteni I Process. And here everything comes together as ‘the missing pieces’. However, only by now, I dare to define that what I am passionate about: principled living. And I easily project this on relationships, because in relationships and especially within an intimate or  partner-relationship, the need for principled living is clearly coming forward and here I see an ability within myself to bring this in.

In general and for a long time I experience a fear of voicing myself in standing for this principled living and a ‘fear of people’ in general and through this, more than I can see it as passion and motivation, the motivation comes up as a fear, for example when I wake up in the morning and it comes up as something that I experience as a pressure and demotivation to stand up and that makes me wanting to stay in bed and keep hiding. Which only enlarges the experience of demotivation so I did push and push every day to keep going, to not stay in bed too long and to not too much oversleep, to get my things done because I have also seen through my life that this is what I can move on with, that if I do stand up and start, I will find a motivation within me in some small aspects and if not, I will find it next day.

So the ‘spark’ we can say, this ‘spark of life’ within and as me actually kept showing it’s face, together with the common sense that I need to keep going and do my things and if not, things will only become worse and more difficult. But I could not say that I am ‘passionate’ – from which I see now that I have a certain ‘idea or picture’ about the word ‘passion’. When I look at it while writing, this ‘drive’ or ‘spark’ combined with common sense is already a core-element of ‘passion’ that I very much suppressed with fear within and as myself but that also has been here within me as long as I remember.

There is much to say about ‘fear’ as it has many aspects and I cannot say that ‘I just need to stop the fear’ as it doesnot work this way. The fear within and as myself, has been channeled in many ways and layers within my thoughts, words and deeds as ‘who I am’ and so it asks for a ‘walking back through layers’,  to detach myself from it step by step so that eventually, I can make the decision that ‘I don’t need it anymore’. And then still it will come up, but now I can become the starting-point and direct myself through the fear and not so much ‘me being directed by fear’ without really seeing how and where this begins within myself.

So, a starting-point for myself as ‘what am I passinate about?’ is ‘Principled Living’. As I have seen that without principled living, no relatinship will stand the test of time and no project will keep standing in a way that is considering the life-integrity that is existing within each of us.  So without principled living, there will be a constant fear for the abuse of ‘not being considered’ and this gives a lot of protection and defense-mechanism coming up, that will for example come through as a (obvious or subtile) form of manipulation, revenge, hiding, attacking, blame and what more.

Principled Living is described in a document; however the core of it is a way of living that is considering what is best for all life, without excluding anything or anyone, where each and all and everything is approached from a starting-point of equality and oneness, as this is the only way to ensure that nothing and no-one will be left behind. And here it already shows that this contains so many aspects to be looked at and how to do this, however if we are willing to be humble and to learn what ‘principled living’ entails, then what opens up is a possibility for change, because we, as the starting-point, are willing to learn how to change ourselves that eventually, will resonate into a change in the world, into a place that is best for all life, nothing and no-one excluded.

To be continued with self-forgiveness on the ‘fear of my passion’ that I describe here above.


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 759 – Fear and expectations

In this video I investigate for myself what is involved in situations where I feel like or perceive that something is expected and then a fear coming up to give an answer or even getting stuck in being able to give an answer at all, and from here looking at a possible solution to start with for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my experiences coming up, when and as I perceive or feel that within a question, there is already an expectation of what I should answer or not and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I am able to directly see and do what is best in this moment, where I actually and maybe, am existing in within awareness of what is happening for the first time and so, I first need to see and lay out what aspects are involved within myself and within the situation as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone within giving an answer in what I see that is best for myself and so for the situation as a whole, in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not standing and not doing what is best in a moment of answering on a question that may or may not have an expectation in it, out of fear to ‘stand alone’ and to not be understood and forgiven for my stand in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall, out of fear of not being understood and forgiven in a moment and so actually, create my own fear as in not understanding and forgiving myself for allowing myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about ‘being understand and forgiven’ by another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only ‘expect from myself‘ to forgive myself and from here, bring myself towards a solution that is best for myself and life as a whole in the future to come, when and as a similar situation may arise.

When and as I see myself going into blame towards myself about falling in a moment, in relation to answering a question that may or may not have an expectation in it, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are aspects and layers within myself that I did not yet have investigated and so, I ‘live them out’ to make it visible for myself.

I commit myself to expect from myself that I pick up myself everytime I (may) fall, that I am willing to introspect, forgive and correct myself in the aspects that are existing within me that are not yet in consideration of myself and life as a whole and from here, being an example for others who are willing to hear and see or not yet but in time to come, in the best possible way and within my ability.

When and as I feel in a moment that within a question, there is already an expectation coming through and me going into fear, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can ask for some time to answer and that I do not need to answer ‘right now’.

I commit myself to take some time to calm myself down so that I will be better able to direct myself, my answer and so the situation as a whole in a more stable way and within consideration of what is best for myself ‘on long term’ and so for others on long term as well and if I am not able to do this, to not give an answer at all and voice myself in my inability to answer or respond in that moment.

A process to be continued

full_self-love-and-self-care-atlanteans-part-477

Self Love and Self care


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 758 – Looking within self

A short update of the inner process that I walk day by day, looking within myself what comes up in moments and how it can play out if I am not aware of my thoughts and emotions.

Last week I had more of an insight what goes on within me, before I go into an interpretation and so, reaction towards a situation but actually, towards my own created interpretation of a situation. An aspect that I found is that I was sort of ‘speaking up’ of what I would not go into anymore, however what I saw quite fast after this and actually already while doing so, is that it was more that I had not yet stand up in it for and within myself and really decided for myself what I would accept and allow and what not. And then I go into a projection towards another or towards a situation as in a ‘speaking up’ in that moment, which is then actually creating a possibility for conflict or consequences.

I did see how I could do differently and then within voicing myself about a certain point, in a moment to come, which then is supportive for myself as well as it can be for another, but I had already build up energy that I was now releasing in this ‘speaking up’ and in this way no longer accepting and allowing something within myself, however I used the situation as a mirrow to start seeing how it was all about me in that moment.

The remarkable thing is that I realized some of it in the moment that I started to build it up in the same day earlier, where a thought was activated within me and from here an emotion arised, from where I went into an ‘expectation’ that it would play out as how I was feeling about it. And from here, very fast, I created the situation in a way where in I played out my own expectation.

Luckily the other who was involved did not go into it with me and only described what happened on their side and from here I could easily bring the point back to myself and voice myself in taking responsibility for the situation and for the emotion that I recognized as jealousy coming up, which is something to investigate further within/for myself as it has many aspects in it I may not have directly recognized as jeaulousy, however it has a destructive energy in it.

The cool part of this small situation and my interpretation playing out, is that in doing so and taking the responsibility and sharing about it while walking, it is giving a more equal standing with who I am sharing this, as it gives an insight of what I walk inside myself and then shows how we are all having similar challenges within ourselves with facing our own interpretations and emotions coming up. I find this gives for each who is involved, more space to understand oneself and each other without going into judgements.

More challenges to come, however also cool to recognize the progress within self and each other.

I can truly say that what I am now writing about is the result of walking the Desteni I process for years now, where in I actually can see a ‘mind-construct’ playing out within myself as something that I have learned to walk within the writings in the lessons and in the blogs as well (and what I am still doing). It is an effective way of getting to know myself in who I am in my mind and how my mind-being-body relationship is existing and influencing me every day and then being able to take responsibility for myself in this as in learning to give myself direction within and as this internal relationships in a way that is considering and caring the life within and without.

For who is interested check it out: Desteni I process courses


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 756 – Gentle – being it or living it?

In the morning I usually look into myself how I wake up that day, I describe it for myself and then I see with what word I can support myself in that day. I have noticed that I am able to keep myself more stable throughout the day if I do start with a word in the morning to live. I tend to forget the word during the day, but even then – I then in moments look it up where I have written it down – I am still more stable within this day. So I keep doing this, as a start to learn to direct myself with the support of living words.

Last week in the end of the day, I was in a conversation that did not go so smooth. I was trying to bring forward some points of responsibility and another was sort of resisting this and bringing up distractions, what I then started to react to. This went on for a while and in a certain moment I remembered myself, ‘okay, what is the word that I picked this morning?’ I luckily! did remember the word: gentle.

So in that situation, I realized that gentle is what I need to bring forward and be here and integrate and I immediately could embody this in this interaction. This gave an immediate release for myself, as I here remembered also that I did not need to be so ‘strict’ and that I better be gentle and see where we are each standing in our ‘life-process’ in general. So this word did support me to slow down and be more gentle. I picked it up as being more gentle towards another where it then had/has the result that I am also more gentle within myself, because within doing so, my own reactions will stop and so, I am much more gentle towards myself as well. So in this context it works two ways, what I bring forward towards another, has an effect on myself as well and what I bring forward within/as myself, has an effect on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle from the start within a conversation and within this, bringing up reactions within myself and/as another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a living word as ‘gentle’ in the morning to infact be gentle and not being gentle in and as myself as a starting-point in the conversation that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to push a point through within another, instead of pushing myself through my own reactions and to be gentle in and as doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider to be gentle at first and actually want a point of responsibility to immediately be clear without having any strubbeling or resonances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle to in a way ‘protect’ myself against the effect that the strubbeling/struggle and resonances have on me and against the reactions coming up from here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am gentle, things will never be understood or clear and also that when and asI am gentle, people will walk over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be gentle because ‘people are also not gentle with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought stored within and as me that ‘people are not gentle with me’ without conscious having any relevant memory linked to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘people to be gentle with me’ but not doing this myself, as well inside as outside or, I do as if I am gentle but at the same time, experiencing reactions within me and so not being gentle with/as myself towards myself and feeling like I am ‘lying’ as well towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really and always want to be gentle and to not like to be tough or hard or rude, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am or can be hard, rude and tough and forget about being gentle in moments that it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that gentleness does not have any ‘borders’ and so, nothing will be a accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I/we need ‘borders’ and if we do not have them, the borders will be crossed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘having borders’ menas automatically that they can be ‘crossed’ and so, more practical is to investigate what borders I have created in/as my mind that I feel ‘walked over’ within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘be’ gentle instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can ‘live’ gentle in and as myself, without neceserrally being it as if I have no choice in this.

I realize that I can in this way, move or direct myself into a word and live this as a decision in that moment that I see is best as direction for all in this moment/situation which includes myself or best as direction for myself, which then incudes all selves.

I realize now that by ‘always wanting to be gentle’, I take away my directive power in and as myself, meaning, I take away the decision to live a certain word/quality and so, I disempower myself in this because I then would not be able to live a different word that may be needed in a certain moment or situation and so I am actually ‘being stuck in gentleness’ when this may not be the best way to create a certain outcome, where my starting-point is then already one of disempowerment and so the outcome will disempower me as my directive decision and if I disempower me in this directiveness in and as myself, I disempower another in his/her directiveness as well and so, I enlarge the resistance because, who wants to feel disempowered?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by ‘wanting to be always gentle’, actually create the polarity within me as well as ‘not being gentle’ as protection-mechanism, to protect in fact my own illusion of gentleness.

To be continued.

School of Ultimate Living


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Uil forgive