When I was at the Desteni farm eight years ago, Bernard mentioned shortly that I should look at ‘being Dutch’. I recognized something within this but I have not yet actively opened it up with a writing of self-forgiveness on it.
There are things that ‘I like’ about ‘being Dutch’ and things that I ‘don’t like’. I also noticed that I have had a tendency to feel attracted to guys from another country for quite a long period.
A few self-forgiveness to open up this topic for myself from where I can walk it further in my daily life – after opening up within a blog, mostly more opens up within myself to move on with:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel attracted’ to guys from another country above ‘Dutch’ guys, in a way to avoid a daily grind coming in that I define as a ‘Dutch’ grind with working from nine till five and weekends free, same routine every week.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like other cultures and to like the influence of just another cultural input to ‘break the daily grind’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I then put away my responsibility of bringing in myself as a self-expression, where there may be still a routine but not experienced as ‘daily grind’; so more aligned and unique in every moment, every day, not so much to ‘be different’ but more here as self-expression as a new moment each moment, as how animals express themselves every day when I come home, which I do enjoy deeply and so it is not what is bothering me that things are kind of ‘the same’ every day but more that the systematization is taking over.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind taking over my self-expression within a routine and then start reacting to this systematization within myself, projected and / or seeing reflected in another, where I then want to get away from as I experience it as ‘too much systematization’ that is suppressing the life within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that with a foureign guy, the systematization will not take over without seeing, realizing and understanding that different systematizations are taking place, including difficulties in communication with regards to language and culture differences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being Dutch’ as ‘being civil’ and so I do not want to be Dutch or projected, thinking that I do not want to be with a Dutch guy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself, my opportunities with a connected definition to ‘being Dutch’, without really taking responsibility for my own ‘laying back’ in directing myself effectively every day, within the system but not of the system, with a mind consciousness system existing within me but not being enslaved to it through my own likes and dislikes, fears and comfortzones as a reaction towards systems within and without.
I commit myself to push myself to from moment to moment, to stand up, step forwards and investigate a like or dislike coming up in relation to ‘being Dutch’ or ‘being with a Dutch guy’, to forgive myself for connections being made in word definitions related to ‘being Dutch’, to enable myself to live myself in the moment without labeling myself or another through culture and language and instead, to see beyond and into the potential in every moment, in and as our beingness, in and as life.
I commit myself to, when and as I see an experience of a daily grind coming up, to stop, breathe and look inside myself in what state of mind I find myself in that moment, to on the in-breath, embrace and forgive myself within the specific experience, to ask myself for a word to live, as a support to move myself out of this state, on the out-breath so to speak – holding my cats as an example of whom I never get bored of their expression when I am coming home, day after day.
I commit myself to focus on sound and sounding self-forgiveness, to further investigate the difference between the sound and energy of words, to forgive the connected energy related to words that I do see coming up and to practice sounding self-forgiveness, to eventually find the sound within and as me, expressing myself equal and one, in and as life.
I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.
What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.
Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.
We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.
Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.
As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.
I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.
Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.
Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.