Dag 831 – Exasperate – opening up with self-forgiveness

With investigating a memory within a session of QCK the word exasperate came forward. This comes from knowing that there is something ‘wrong’ where my environment doesnot recognize it and from here, there is an inner conflict where I feel exasperated (Dutch: geprikkeld, verbitterd, geërgerd, getergd). This creates a war inside myself. Knowing myself and what is real and my environment not standing with me in it, which gives a very conflictual result.

It is related to the cramps in my intestine as well, it is a dimension of it, connected to an overal programming and my self-esteem. How I do see it related as well physically, is how this experience is related to the gall-bladder within this ‘bitterness’ (verbitterd Dutch) where the gall-stream becomes stagnated within this inner conflict, the large intestine is responding to this as well in ‘not moving’ as responding to me ‘not moving myself’ in expressing myself and instead, becoming stagnated in an inner conflict, not being able to express my bitterness as well (to spit my gall; Dutch: mijn gal spuwen) and then suppressing the internal angryness and accumulating it within myself ‘for not moving myself effectively’ and so the organ functions become stagnated within my body because I stagnate in a way). This gall is (amongst other things) part of the movement within the large intestine and within the pelvic area as a whole.

This is directly related to my self-confidence and self-esteem, to my ability to be stable and comfortable in my own skin.

How have I come to define myself in my mind, based on all of this?

I have been abused

I know I have been abused

The abuser has to pay

I am the victim

I did not do anything wrong

I need to be treated with understanding

Why isn’t anybody understanding me?

It’s not fair

The world is not fair because they should be on my side

Why is every one choosing the side of the abuser?

I am the one who is hurt so I am the sensitive one so it only would make sense that I get the support

I will make sure that the abuser get payed

Overall, I am ‘fighting for justice’; something in the relationship with myself that I am fighting for.

Maybe I am abusing myself in relation to my self-esteem, in a way that I am not honoring myself, neglecting my self-esteem, which is abuse.

Within projecting my focus onto another in the memory, with me fighting for justice and holding on to the memories, I am trying to compensate for (at some level) knowing that I am abusing myself. I am at some level very angry with myself and this has to do with another memory (that I do not actively remember but it has a picture of me in a bathing suite on vacation – as a teenager? or much younger) for not allowing myself to express myself in a moment early in live, for judging my body. I wanted to express myself but the ‘want’ was suppressed and then I got angry at myself for not expressing. This all is something I don’t want to really admit to myself and so I focus my angryness on another in a memory.

It is actually about me and the anger and the relationship with myself – the other was the trigger. like I could have directed myself and the situation but I had no practical ‘how to’ at all, no insight in what to do.

For the relationship with myself, I need to pull it out of the suppression so that I can work with it more directly.

Physical it manifest in my belly, in my intestines; anger with myself as a form of disgust, being so angry with myself that I am disgusted.

I went into a mind-system of ‘not knowing’, like a system in my mind where in I frooze up. System: ‘I don’t understand reality; I don’t understand anything’. So the only option is to freeze up. It is a system of disempowerment, telling myself that I don’t know and so I have no authority to act. Like I am too dumb or stupid to be allowed to speak up. This is then connected to something that has been told me when I was little (pretty young), something like ‘you are just a kid, what do you know’ (as how it is often forced on children to ‘shut up’). So I learned myself to keep myself quiet, to shut up and to have no authority to speak.

The system sitting inside of me is like ‘I am not going to speak’ as an accepted programming. Believing that I still lack knowledge, that I don’t have the authority and permission to speak, to speak me and to speak freely, not allowing myself, with a sense of guilt in not allowing myself; that it is ‘wrong’ or that I would say or do something wrong.

I believe I am guilty if I where to speak. It would be very bad or wrong if I, Ingrid, would speak freely in the moment. I have learned to ‘wall myself up’ to not feel guilty.

“It is wrong for me to speak and express myself. I need to overthink it all”.

An ego pont in it is a sense of knowing that I get from figuring out whether what I said was wrong or right. Then I can tell myself ‘I know’ within the belief that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up.

Here what I need to learn is, ‘it is not wrong or right, I just express myself’- that’s basicely it. Not to now blurb everything out, but it is more about that I accept myself and that I know that if I am going to say something, that I am not going to hold it against myself, like I know that I am allowed to speak and if I do speak, I am not going into guilt and being hard on myself for it. Allowing myself to be comfortable, to allow myself to speak. Knowing that I am allowed to speak if I want to in that moment.

This programming is located physically in my belly, underneath the belly button in the center. Here I can look at the belief of ‘I am not allowed to speak’. Which is still a big one for me and the guilt around it as well. This I can open up with self-forgiveness. And this ‘not moving’ in my body is my body response to this programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnated within my body, to not move myself in expression with a result of my body responding to this programming with not moving, which I experience within my large intestine and stool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very angry with myself without directly seeing what and how I am angry and only noticing this experience of disgust within and as myself, if and when my large intestine is not moving effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the anger towards myself and instead, focus it outwards onto another and within this, holding on to a memory where I did not effectively moved myself in and as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I have been abused’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I know I have been abused and the abuser has to pay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to define myself in my mind as ‘i am the victim’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I need to be treated with understanding; why is nobody understanding me? It’s not fair’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘the world is not fair as they should be on my side; why is everyone choosing the side of the abuser?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I am the one that is hurt so I am the sensitive one so it would only make sense that I get the support’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I will make sure that the abuser get payed’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fighting for justice, as something in the relationship with myself that I am fighting for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abusing myself in relation to my self-esteem, in a way that I am not honoring my self-esteem, neglecting my self-esteem, which is abuse, self-abuse and instead, expecting this honor from another, kind of waiting for approval of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate for (at some level) knowing that I am abusing myself, within projecting my focus onto another in the memory, with me fighting for justice and holding on to the memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some level being very angry with myself, related to another memory, for not allowing myself to express myself early in life, for judging my body, where I wanted to express myself but the ‘want’ was suppressed and then I got angry at myself for not expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that I suppressed my want and then did not express myself and then becoming angry at myself and instead, focus onto another in a memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my ‘want’ with desastreus effect (manifested consequence) in later life of not acknowledging that what I really want within and as myself, to consider myself in this and from here, making an informed decision that is best, which does not need persé to be that what I want but what is most important is that I have my want considered in and as myself.

What I see related is how at my 27th, when I became pregnant and decided to an abortion, I suppressed my want as well, my want to express myself in giving birth to a child, which I see as a very painful aspect in this event. Here I repeat myself over and over again by coming back to this event, however I see it as walking around it and scratching layer after layer within forgiving myself. What I also see is how actually all my programmings probably came together in this event where we at the age of 28, complete and integrate our programmings fully and so it is of no surprise that it comes up as a kind of accumulation of all the suppressed programmings within and as myself that I have build up and integrated in the years prior to 28.What a misery. This suppression of my want feels like an essential aspect of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my want to not be considered, which can not be considered if and when I suppress my want and so I create, I live my deep fear in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from suppressing my want, on another level ‘take what I want’ to maybe compensate for not admitting and expressing my want effectively, not even to myself.

I did come to a memory that I see related where I suppressed my ‘want’ in relation to my body and my self-expression. I am not 100% sure if it is the memory but the pain in my intestine that I was struggling with for days, released and say like an hour before, I actively asked myself to show myself the memory and I applied a self-forgiveness on ‘thinking and believing that I did not know which memory it is about’ where then this memory came to my awareness and then me crying and without conscious trying, I heard myself expressing myself as a child in two sentences what I actually wanted to express. It was like the following: but I don’t mind to be / look like grandma, I love grandma’ (Dutch: maar ik vind het niet erg om hetzelfde lichaam als oma te hebben, ik houd van oma). Here to mention: my grandma was a small and very round lady :-). I refound a deep appreciation for her within myself that I suppressed as well and I totally felt this ‘I do not mind to be like her, to have her body’ which gives another perspective on having a body image with a round belly (without being pregnant – other than birthing myself as life from the physical – here to mention that I feel myself a bit stuck in this and resisting a ‘need for help’ or support and then considering how with most births, the mother and child child being supported to give birth / become birthed through the birthing canal, so not more than normal to ‘need’ some hand to come through this narrow area).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist a need for help or support, not because I do not want to ask for support but more ‘the need’ that I resist as if I should be able to do it all alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, find that I should be able to do it all alone, to birth myself as life from the physical in expressing myself.

Here to come to the following as not having practical know how of what to do, no insight in it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not having any practical know how of how to express myself, how to do this, seeing that I could have directed myself and the situation but not having any insight or practical guideline of how to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in a ‘knowing’ without having any insight or practical guidelines of how to and then thinking and believing that I should be able to do it all alone, because I somehow ‘know’ that I can do it and somehow I know how, however this is still different than really doing it.

Here I see another aspect that I did see reflected within my ex-partner. He was so very extravert with outspoken systems, where with me, it is all mostly introverted with subtle and hidden systems so here again, easy to project it on him being the disturber of our relationship. Another interesting aspect is that the more I see within myself of all the projected reflections and where I take responsibility for it in and as myself, for myself, the more I am able to let him go and where the emotional attachments stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a system of not knowing – almost as a polarity of ‘knowing it all but not being able to express’ – in and as the statements ‘I don’t understand reality, I don’t understand anything, like a system in my mind where in I frooze up, as the only option to freeze up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a system of disempowerment within and as myself, telling myself that I don’t know and so I have no authority to act, like I am too dumb or stupid to be allowed to speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn myself to keep myself quiet, to shut up and having no authority to speak, because as a very young child, i have been told something like ‘you are just a kid, what do you know’ as how it is often forced on children to ‘shut up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the system sitting inside of me as ‘I am not going to speak’ as an accepted programming within and as myself, believing that i still lack knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I still lack knowledge, that I don’t have the authority and permission to speak, to speak me and to speak freely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to speak freely, to speak me, with a sense of guilt, thinking and believing that it is wrong or that i would say or do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am guilty if I were to speak and expres myself and that I need to overthink it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create or have an ego point in it as a sense of knowing that I get from figuring out whether what I said was wrong or right, where I then can tell myself ‘I know’ within the belief that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up and so as long as I do not really understand what just happened or happens in a moment, I do not allow myself to speak up and for example say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ no matter what happens and no matter if I do understand the whole picture – if and when I sense something is off, something is ‘not okay’ or very wrong in it all and I don’t want this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to speak up if and when I do not completely understand what’s going on, out of fear of being shut down (again) as too dumb and stupid to speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to cross my borders as long as I do not see and understand the whole picture.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have authority to speak up, to express myself any time, in any moment that I truly feel and see I need to, without understanding exactly what’s going on and within this, making myself a victim of the reality playing out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to live and define myself within the sentence ‘I am not allowed to speak’ integrated within my belly underneath my belly button.

Here what I need to learn is, ‘it is not wrong or right, I just express myself’- that’s basicely it. Not to now blurb everything out, but it is more about that I accept myself and that I know that if I am going to say something, that I am not going to hold it against myself, like I know that I am allowed to speak and if I do speak, I am not going into guilt and being hard on myself for it. Allowing myself to be comfortable, to allow myself to speak. Knowing that I am allowed to speak if I want to in that moment.

Till here for today. With gratefulness to Kim and her amazing QCK qualities for the specified information laying out so that I can open it up for myself with self-forgiveness.

Uil forgive

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Uil forgive

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