becoming a mother | Reis van ziel naar Leven

I was reflecting back – again – on the period of fertility (open link for related blogs) and not having decided to carry through a pregnancy. From where I finally come to the core of all the sadness within myself. The sadness that I projected on this ‘fertility’ process. On the ‘regret’ of how I have walked this period in my life, towards and after having an abortion at my 27th (for those who did not read any blog from me yet, I am 47 now).

What I did see within this as the core of the sadness within myself, is that I did not want it in the way that I was able to in that moment – which is also what I actually decided with and as, towards an abortion. But I did not fully stand within my decision because there were dimensions that I did not really consider at that time. And so I actually started to ‘step back’ of myself, to ‘let myself down’ in a way within my own decision. This due to all the emotional turmoil that did come up within me as a reaction; due to a fear of ‘missing out’ on the opportunity of a pregnancy; due to having my desires not fulfilled; due to not having finished what I started (getting pregnant) but what I actually should not have started at all within that period in my life.

So here I came to the point of admitting to myself of that what I really did and do not like and that did play a role in my actions with regards to the pregnancy: the way how many systems exist within myself and / as within this world (as for example the child-parent relationship within myself and the school system without myself) and how relationships functions in a way that I do not want to participate in. And how this is actually the reason for the deep sadness within me.

This all in the background and not yet having the tools to direct myself within it all, did bring up an experience of depression within me and I feared a postnatal depression as well – which I see as quite possible in that time, due to the situation that I choose to create. I projected the search for my potential of ‘birthing myself as life in the physical’ on ‘giving birth to a child’.

So actually, I did follow up on this ‘path’ of searching for myself in it all by deciding for an abortion, as the only option in that time ‘to stay true to myself’ (as I was not yet having the courage to decide to become a mom anyway, within my utmost potential). This ‘path’ or ‘search’ went on with a lot of distraction, mostly emotional distraction related to this area of relationships, love, sex and fertility. Where eventually I did come to a place where I finally saw things coming together, where I do see the ability to find myself and the confirmation of this possibility as ‘me’, as something that I always ‘felt’ and saw deep within me. Probably we all see and feel this within ourselves in some way – which is our true potential.

So this is my true potential, this ‘looking through’ things and directly see or sense the realness (and so the bullshit as well). But as with all human beings within and as the mind, is the veil set up very delicate so that we tend to get lost in distractions in some area, which in my case was the ‘veil of love‘ and everything related to this. Which made me ‘see’ in a way what is real – or actually to see what is not real – but at the same time I choose to let myself distract in it as well, believing that ‘it should be possible in my way’. Where ‘my way’ did contain a way where I could still place my desires above my self-honesty.

This does not mean that ‘I am not allowed to have any desire’ as within a desire, a true potential may be hidden. However my self-honesty comes first, so that I can lead and direct myself within a desire and find my true potential as that part of me that is still channeled within that desire, in and as the mind. So that I have the strength (as in ‘I can trust my self-honesty’ see previous blog) and patience to stand and keep standing within the point of self-honesty, even and when and as this means that ‘I stand alone’.

I need to be my own reference that I can trust in eternity. And so I did come to live in and as my own worst nightmare, meaning that I needed to let go of that desired outcome, in my case up to the point of accepting that it will not happen in this life-time and guess what – within my own worst nightmare, within this deep dark forest in and as myself – I find myself, my self-honesty, this eternal depth of who I am and who I can stand with into eternity. In and as the principles of life.

So this ‘endless’ sadness that exists within me, I found related to the illusions within how the world (= the human mind) is set up. Where we all have channeled our true potential within our desires, living them out at the cost of life. Imagine if we all do that. If I look directly at what it created as consequences within my own life and how many years I have followed the distractions and how this accumulated; then imagine if we all do that and how this accumulates at large scale, up to the point where we totally loose sight of our self-honesty and how to bring this back to where it belongs: we need to put our self-honesty first and using ‘desires’ to live our utmost potential. Where it actually are not really desires anymore and where it can become a living expression of our uniqueness within.

Even if I do live my self-honesty in many area’s in my life (which I did) but still not in one area (as I did) – I am still fucked and my life is still fucked up and sucked within this one (major) illusion. Where I project all my sadness on this illusion. However the real sadness is valid, because of how I exist within how this world exists. So the only solution is to stop loosing myself in distractions of any kind and start directing myself within and as my core and strength, within and as the power of ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

And this part of me, is never lost and I cannot loose it. The emotional sadness I will be able to stop, when and as I connect with this part, with this strength within and as myself and from here with others within this same point. And then together we look for solutions based on this point of self-honesty, as what is best for all life. Welcome to Desteni.

Because it is Desteni as the group that I recognized as where everything comes together. Without this group, I would not have been able to be who I am now and where I am now. My self-honesty would then probably still have been an undefined potential within me. Yes, I need to walk through desires and challenge myself to walk into this deep dark wood within and as myself. But this group will not ask me to give up my integrity, it simply is not possible, because it is build on integrity, it is set up and exists as Life Integrity Itself, in and as The Principles of Life. So we only encourage ourselves and each other at the same time, to find and live this integrity, as what is best for life as a whole – which obviously, includes the life within and as myself. Where Bernard mentioned sometimes: eventually Desteni becomes your relationship. But I am still figuring out those words.

Looking at it this way, I was quite effective in achieving my goals lol. The misalignment was my starting-point and so that what I initiated, did not keep standing because I could not keep standing or standing up in it. Or simply said: I was not ready to live in a self-honest way that what I initiated (becoming pregnant and a mother) and so the fear took over. In certain time after the abortion, I was not even ready to take care of a cat (I tried for a week) as it overwhelmed me too much; I needed all the attention focused inward myself to sit with myself and my emotions. I was self-honest enough to not be able to build a life on a starting-point of self-dishonesty. But I was not self-honest enough to accept my own self-honesty, to recognize and stand within my own strength: I can trust my self-honesty. And so, whatever I decided back in that days felt like a loss.

And so, back to current time, I am exactly where I need to be as what I created, accepted and allowed, within the strength of guiding myself through the consequences, into and as my true potential. Piecing myself back together, finding the core of my sadness and finding the strength within me to start trusting my self-honesty in every small moment as a ‘strong woman’ and finding the courage to finally finally, start making ‘mistakes’ as a learning-process into the new.

This is me. If I can do it, so can you. Alone yet together.