This title sounds like she is not here anymore right? Luckily she is!
But she has been ill and during one night, I reacted as if she will pass away, like if she will die soon.
She has been out every night during this long, dry and warm summer months. I heared that other cats did the same, they were ‘on the move’ all the time and only came back home now and then for food and sleep. My cats are able to go out of the garden in the night and Snoo goes a few times normally. Only when the nights become very warm, then she stays away much longer. And this summer in the last viwe weeks, I sensed in it as if it was a bit too long and too much, like becoming exhausting.
One morning, she came home and did not want to eat. That is rare, eating is a very serious happening for Snoo. She ate a few bites and I left it by that. Later on she started eating, however not totally normal. She became slow and listless in the next two days. Then the eating did become less again and so the third day, I went to the vet with her. They could not find anything so she got something against nausea.
I was still quite calm and optimistic about it all. Untill, she did not get better after that treatment. Here my mind started to run into worst case scenario’s, up to preparing myself for loosing her and becoming very emotional about it all. Also because I had to work and I did not yet know how to get her to the vet again the next day.
Next morning, the vet and I decided to bring her for the day to their practise, so that they could run some tests with her. A friend could pick her up in the afternoon. So they tested out many things (blood, echo, urine), they contacted me after every test to discuss and almost everything turned out to be fine; the only thing that was showing, were some signs of a small infection somewhere. So they ended up with giving her anti-biotics and painkillers with an anti-inflammatory for two days.
Back home, Snoo started with finding her food that she had left (that sounds like Snoo!) and she started to eat again. I kept her inside for two days and nights, she slept, rested, ate and seemed to recover. After two days, I called the vet and we decided to give her another two days injection and after this, she looked like fully recovered and still is (now two weeks later).
So, that was the practical story.
However, I found something in her character changed. like she was a bit more demanding and fierce, as well against me as against Basha. Nothing aggressive, however remarkable to me. So after a few days, I decided to have a little talk with her as how I have learned at my course from animal-reading that I followed many years ago. Here to mention, that I am not able to really communicate with an animal in the total sense of the word as how is explained in these four interviews that were done about the difference between communicating and connecting with our animals. However I use the method I learned in the course, when I see something off, only for myself with my own animals, to see what I find. I often do not know if I connect with them or with myself through them, however it always gives me some clarity to look into or let go.
So here, what I found is the following: She does not want to go to live somewhere else. She wants to stay with me here, always.
For me what this resonated with, was as follows: I still had some, let’s call it attitude or maybe better, character within me that ‘wants to get it done here on earth and then move out’. So basicely, I do not handle it emotionally how life is situated on earth and so I do not want to leave anything behind that I care about. With animals, as I understand from through the Portal, as that they immediate reincarnate in a situation where they can be of support (and probably walk their own path as well), and here I always saw it like that they are ‘fine’ with this, that it is ‘okay’ for them, as it is their decision.
The answer of Snoo broke my heart. I realized that she may come – in another next incarnation – in a situation, that is not so cool or even horrible to live in here on earth. As long as we do not sort it out here on earth as humanity. As long as not every situation on earth is actually cool to be born into (which we are still far away from right? Practically seen). I was really depressed about this realization for some days. I also realized that there is no ‘way out’, even if I do not have kids or anything to ‘leave behind’. I realized the meaning of ‘none is free until all are free’.
And within this, I felt so powerless and confused of what to do with this life of myself. How to make a difference. And my little Snoo, my heart broke every time I saw her in those days, so actually continuesly. I noticed I had been very indifferent during that night before I brought her to the vet. Indifferent as a protection mechanism, to protect myself from the overwhelming experience of potantially loosing her and from the overwhelming experience of all the pain that we cause here on earth as humanity and the consequences it has, for Snoo as well. The animals may decide for a situation to be born at, however the physical experience could be horrible and real suffering anyway, if not taken care for them.
So this went on for a few days inside myself.
I had another menstruation period (that was left out for a few months because of pre-menopause). And in this period, I had to face a stubborn point within myself; a point of stubbornness in how I react to people’s resonance with a sense of righteousness and ‘wanting to correct them/that resonance within them, as I find it unacceptable how they speak/behave to me’, things like that. However I also had found out that it mostly doesnot work that way, it only makes it worse and so we then end up in a kind of undercurrent clash. So, I kind of stopped doing that already, however without having a new approach, I find myself kind of stuck in that point and still resonating the righteousness and stubbornness within me.
I spoke about it with a collegue (as it sometimes happens at work with a customer where I am ‘forced’ to bring it back to myself, because of my position at work). We discussed options to take it on. I expressed my sadness about it, feeling like I ‘always am the one doing it wrong’ – where it is merely so that let’s say, 95% goes well or even very well and this 5% point is here to be picked up.
After this conversation, I could have a better look at my situation with Snoo and having a better sight on what I could do in this lifetime or even in this moment: to change myself in those seemingly small moments. To for example, find out what is botthering another that is seemingly resonating a character towards me (the customer in this occasion) and what I can do to make them heared or seen for a moment (instead of entering my own stubborn reaction pattern).
So, I am still at/within this point of change ( as it is almost real time that I write this here). However I went back to Snoo, I cried big tears about it all, myself, her, the world, the abuse, the animals and then felt a little better and more balanced and motivated to move on. Snoo calmed down as well within her demanding pose (not completely but that extra pressure on it stopped).
I commit myself to stay here, present and breathing, meaning, to prevent myself from going into that indifferent character or personality when I tend to loose something that I care for and instead, speak the words ‘I am here for you’ within myself and so I am here for me, myself and so for you, yourself.
I then also do this towards my animals: I speak it all out and embody the self-commitment when I have seen, realized, understand a point that came forward within our relationship.
It is still here within me in some way (it was before as well, always on the background), that overwhelmness of pain of how we exist today in this world and somehow I believe that this will be painful as long as the inequality is here, because it IS painful, like hell – because it is unequal. Inequality hurts.
I continue finding small expressions to find and live that point of equality within myself. What I am currently busy changing, is who I am in my/this life on earth, how to move from indifference to care, in the small, everyday moments, within and without.
Thanks. Always take your animals seriously, as they do reflect so subtle yet clearly what we live.
Do you know that experience, of nervousness, like if you are about to meet someone that is going to mean a lot in your life, like right before meeting ‘a loved one’ as someone you are going to fall in love’ with? Something like that; that excitement, full of expectations of what would come.
I noticed that experience within me a couple of days. I also was aware that I probably would not meet someone else. Years ago, I read an article where someone wrote about this experience as well, ending up meeting oneself.
That is exactly what happened. And not in an ‘exciting way’ so to speak.
So this morning, I was not feeling well, having very much cramping in my intestines and a headache because of the stagnation within myself, in my belly area. I already admitted last evening to myself that I had no idea what to do with it, except for a balance for myself as how I have learned in Touch for health.
And so I did. I did find some organ meridians being weakened and I balanced them with the stomach as central organ in this. The meridians tested ‘strong’ afterwards, however the stagnation within me was still very much here. No ‘release’ actually. I tested on myself on what area’s I should look. It was on a chemical level and on an emotional level with the priority on emotional level. For the rest, I had nothing as a guideline.
So I went to lay on my bed as I was tired as well from working many days this week; not being able to sufficiently relax myself in between. Laying with myself, half asleep, half awake. That was comfortable at least. I let pass my previous day within me and did found some triggers from a conversation with a friend. Not so much as that the friend was ‘triggering me’ in a negative way or something, but as some subjects that I recognized and I reacted on within myself but that I suppressed immediately. Realizing and defining these ‘triggers’ gave some release.
At some point, the face of my ex-partner came forward and I allowed it very sharp and close within me (as how I usually not do, based on everything that has happened in our time together). I allowed myself to see him and to still ‘like’ him, his innocence, his face and me embracing it. In a while after this I suddenly faced the truth of me: I had not given my all, the best of me, my potential, within our relationship, our time together. I had done my best, certainly, as the best I could at that moment, but it was not ‘the best of me’ and this is what refleced back from him to me back in those days: he could not live his best eather and so, to prevent really harmfull situations, I decided to end it and leave (long story in a nutshell).
Here it was always like ‘I had done my best and he messed up’ where I already knew it was not really like that (or not like that alone). I also received the feedback from my being (via the portal) years back, that ‘because I did not live my best, he could not either’. It made sense, however I could not really find it, not really, exactly how.
This morning I did face myself in it, actually in what I see as (one of) my deepest patterns that I struggle with: a laziness or even lethargy, a not living my best, not giving my all, not living my all in and as me. Let’s define it as ‘laziness’ to refer back to.
It was a very stable, non-emotional’, non-judgemental direct seeing and meeting of myself. Like finally coming to the core of what is existing within me, in and as my mind, that gives dissatisfying outcomes. Ofcourse there are many many reasons of why and how I have developed this and that I walked through in many past years of my process. That is probably why now meeting myself in this point was very stable. I also then understood why I was so emotional last few days, while watching a series, where deep relationships and what it costs, where prominent in the story-line. I ended up crying with each episode.
What I also realized this morning is that I really did not know or had learned what it takes to build a stable and equal relationship. That is an honest reflection as well. However still, it was me, self-honestly, not living my best, not giving my all or even willing to give it my all on a beingness level, to make this relationship work. Because I had not yet met myself.
And what I see in this, is, to move myself beyond my mind-programming, I need to move beyond this pattern or point of laziness or lethargy. And I do not yet know if I am willing and from here capable, of doing so. I also finally understand the phrase that Bernard gave me years ago: “you decide when and with who you are going to walk this and if you are going to walk it all”.
And this actualy scares me, this tendency within me to choose the easiest way, the comfortable way of living with little risks but not too much. With enough ‘free time’ to hang around. I really do not know if I am pushing or moving myself beyond. This is actually the point that I am angry about within myself, that I feel diminished by and dissatisfied and that I react to within projections if and when another is ‘explaining me things I already know, however not living in the flesh as living example; shortly: in seeing my own potential but not living it in depth.
This finding of today, I can only say that I see it as the fruition of my Desteni I Process from the past 10-11 years. Walking through all those layers to end up facing myself in a stable way, in facing myself in a point of ‘destruction’ actually, which is needed if I ever want to move myself beyond. Let’s say, moving beyong ‘Ingrid’ as limited mind-self-definition, into and as mySelf, my beingness expression.
I see in my blog here, that it is about a year ago since I have written my previous here. I moved some points of expression to my Patreon side that I created in the beginning of this year 2022. So, my Desteni I Process does not end here and neather do my writings; it is more like expanding and changing in and as my expression.
With investigating a memory within a session of QCK the word exasperate came forward. This comes from knowing that there is something ‘wrong’ where my environment doesnot recognize it and from here, there is an inner conflict where I feel exasperated (Dutch: geprikkeld, verbitterd, geërgerd, getergd). This creates a war inside myself. Knowing myself and what is real and my environment not standing with me in it, which gives a very conflictual result.
It is related to the cramps in my intestine as well, it is a dimension of it, connected to an overal programming and my self-esteem. How I do see it related as well physically, is how this experience is related to the gall-bladder within this ‘bitterness’ (verbitterd Dutch) where the gall-stream becomes stagnated within this inner conflict, the large intestine is responding to this as well in ‘not moving’ as responding to me ‘not moving myself’ in expressing myself and instead, becoming stagnated in an inner conflict, not being able to express my bitterness as well (to spit my gall; Dutch: mijn gal spuwen) and then suppressing the internal angryness and accumulating it within myself ‘for not moving myself effectively’ and so the organ functions become stagnated within my body because I stagnate in a way). This gall is (amongst other things) part of the movement within the large intestine and within the pelvic area as a whole.
This is directly related to my self-confidence and self-esteem, to my ability to be stable and comfortable in my own skin.
How have I come to define myself in my mind, based on all of this?
I have been abused
I know I have been abused
The abuser has to pay
I am the victim
I did not do anything wrong
I need to be treated with understanding
Why isn’t anybody understanding me?
It’s not fair
The world is not fair because they should be on my side
Why is every one choosing the side of the abuser?
I am the one who is hurt so I am the sensitive one so it only would make sense that I get the support
I will make sure that the abuser get payed
Overall, I am ‘fighting for justice’; something in the relationship with myself that I am fighting for.
Maybe I am abusing myself in relation to my self-esteem, in a way that I am not honoring myself, neglecting my self-esteem, which is abuse.
Within projecting my focus onto another in the memory, with me fighting for justice and holding on to the memories, I am trying to compensate for (at some level) knowing that I am abusing myself. I am at some level very angry with myself and this has to do with another memory (that I do not actively remember but it has a picture of me in a bathing suite on vacation – as a teenager? or much younger) for not allowing myself to express myself in a moment early in live, for judging my body. I wanted to express myself but the ‘want’ was suppressed and then I got angry at myself for not expressing. This all is something I don’t want to really admit to myself and so I focus my angryness on another in a memory.
It is actually about me and the anger and the relationship with myself – the other was the trigger. like I could have directed myself and the situation but I had no practical ‘how to’ at all, no insight in what to do.
For the relationship with myself, I need to pull it out of the suppression so that I can work with it more directly.
Physical it manifest in my belly, in my intestines; anger with myself as a form of disgust, being so angry with myself that I am disgusted.
I went into a mind-system of ‘not knowing’, like a system in my mind where in I frooze up. System: ‘I don’t understand reality; I don’t understand anything’. So the only option is to freeze up. It is a system of disempowerment, telling myself that I don’t know and so I have no authority to act. Like I am too dumb or stupid to be allowed to speak up. This is then connected to something that has been told me when I was little (pretty young), something like ‘you are just a kid, what do you know’ (as how it is often forced on children to ‘shut up’). So I learned myself to keep myself quiet, to shut up and to have no authority to speak.
The system sitting inside of me is like ‘I am not going to speak’ as an accepted programming. Believing that I still lack knowledge, that I don’t have the authority and permission to speak, to speak me and to speak freely, not allowing myself, with a sense of guilt in not allowing myself; that it is ‘wrong’ or that I would say or do something wrong.
I believe I am guilty if I where to speak. It would be very bad or wrong if I, Ingrid, would speak freely in the moment. I have learned to ‘wall myself up’ to not feel guilty.
“It is wrong for me to speak and express myself. I need to overthink it all”.
An ego pont in it is a sense of knowing that I get from figuring out whether what I said was wrong or right. Then I can tell myself ‘I know’ within the belief that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up.
Here what I need to learn is, ‘it is not wrong or right, I just express myself’- that’s basicely it. Not to now blurb everything out, but it is more about that I accept myself and that I know that if I am going to say something, that I am not going to hold it against myself, like I know that I am allowed to speak and if I do speak, I am not going into guilt and being hard on myself for it. Allowing myself to be comfortable, to allow myself to speak. Knowing that I am allowed to speak if I want to in that moment.
This programming is located physically in my belly, underneath the belly button in the center. Here I can look at the belief of ‘I am not allowed to speak’. Which is still a big one for me and the guilt around it as well. This I can open up with self-forgiveness. And this ‘not moving’ in my body is my body response to this programming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnated within my body, to not move myself in expression with a result of my body responding to this programming with not moving, which I experience within my large intestine and stool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very angry with myself without directly seeing what and how I am angry and only noticing this experience of disgust within and as myself, if and when my large intestine is not moving effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the anger towards myself and instead, focus it outwards onto another and within this, holding on to a memory where I did not effectively moved myself in and as expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I have been abused’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I know I have been abused and the abuser has to pay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to define myself in my mind as ‘i am the victim’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I did not do anything wrong’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I need to be treated with understanding; why is nobody understanding me? It’s not fair’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘the world is not fair as they should be on my side; why is everyone choosing the side of the abuser?’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I am the one that is hurt so I am the sensitive one so it would only make sense that I get the support’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in my mind as ‘I will make sure that the abuser get payed’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fighting for justice, as something in the relationship with myself that I am fighting for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abusing myself in relation to my self-esteem, in a way that I am not honoring my self-esteem, neglecting my self-esteem, which is abuse, self-abuse and instead, expecting this honor from another, kind of waiting for approval of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate for (at some level) knowing that I am abusing myself, within projecting my focus onto another in the memory, with me fighting for justice and holding on to the memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some level being very angry with myself, related to another memory, for not allowing myself to express myself early in life, for judging my body, where I wanted to express myself but the ‘want’ was suppressed and then I got angry at myself for not expressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that I suppressed my want and then did not express myself and then becoming angry at myself and instead, focus onto another in a memory.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my ‘want’ with desastreus effect (manifested consequence) in later life of not acknowledging that what I really want within and as myself, to consider myself in this and from here, making an informed decision that is best, which does not need persé to be that what I want but what is most important is that I have my want considered in and as myself.
What I see related is how at my 27th, when I became pregnant and decided to an abortion, I suppressed my want as well, my want to express myself in giving birth to a child, which I see as a very painful aspect in this event. Here I repeat myself over and over again by coming back to this event, however I see it as walking around it and scratching layer after layer within forgiving myself. What I also see is how actually all my programmings probably came together in this event where we at the age of 28, complete and integrate our programmings fully and so it is of no surprise that it comes up as a kind of accumulation of all the suppressed programmings within and as myself that I have build up and integrated in the years prior to 28.What a misery. This suppression of my want feels like an essential aspect of it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my want to not be considered, which can not be considered if and when I suppress my want and so I create, I live my deep fear in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from suppressing my want, on another level ‘take what I want’ to maybe compensate for not admitting and expressing my want effectively, not even to myself.
I did come to a memory that I see related where I suppressed my ‘want’ in relation to my body and my self-expression. I am not 100% sure if it is the memory but the pain in my intestine that I was struggling with for days, released and say like an hour before, I actively asked myself to show myself the memory and I applied a self-forgiveness on ‘thinkingand believing that I did not know which memory it is about’ where then this memory came to my awareness and then me crying and without conscious trying, I heard myself expressing myself as a child in two sentences what I actually wanted to express. It was like the following: but I don’t mind to be / look like grandma, I love grandma’ (Dutch: maar ik vind het niet erg om hetzelfde lichaam als oma te hebben, ik houd van oma). Here to mention: my grandma was a small and very round lady :-). I refound a deep appreciation for her within myself that I suppressed as well and I totally felt this ‘I do not mind to be like her, to have her body’ which gives another perspective on having a body image with a round belly (without being pregnant – other than birthing myself as life from the physical – here to mention that I feel myself a bit stuck in this and resisting a ‘need for help’ or support and then considering how with most births, the mother and child child being supported to give birth / become birthed through the birthing canal, so not more than normal to ‘need’ some hand to come through this narrow area).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist a need for help or support, not because I do not want to ask for support but more ‘the need’ that I resist as if I should be able to do it all alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, find that I should be able to do it all alone, to birth myself as life from the physical in expressing myself.
Here to come to the following as not having practical know how of what to do, no insight in it at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not having any practical know how of how to express myself, how to do this, seeing that I could have directed myself and the situation but not having any insight or practical guideline of how to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in a ‘knowing’ without having any insight or practical guidelines of how to and then thinking and believing that I should be able to do it all alone, because I somehow ‘know’ that I can do it and somehow I know how, however this is still different than really doing it.
Here I see another aspect that I did see reflected within my ex-partner. He was so very extravert with outspoken systems, where with me, it is all mostly introverted with subtle and hidden systems so here again, easy to project it on him being the disturber of our relationship. Another interesting aspect is that the more I see within myself of all the projected reflections and where I take responsibility for it in and as myself, for myself, the more I am able to let him go and where the emotional attachments stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a system of not knowing – almost as a polarity of ‘knowing it all but not being able to express’ – in and as the statements ‘I don’t understand reality, I don’t understand anything, like a system in my mind where in I frooze up, as the only option to freeze up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a system of disempowerment within and as myself, telling myself that I don’t know and so I have no authority to act, like I am too dumb or stupid to be allowed to speak up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn myself to keep myself quiet, to shut up and having no authority to speak, because as a very young child, i have been told something like ‘you are just a kid, what do you know’ as how it is often forced on children to ‘shut up’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the system sitting inside of me as ‘I am not going to speak’ as an accepted programming within and as myself, believing that i still lack knowledge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I still lack knowledge, that I don’t have the authority and permission to speak, to speak me and to speak freely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to speak freely, to speak me, with a sense of guilt, thinking and believing that it is wrong or that i would say or do something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am guilty if I were to speak and expres myself and that I need to overthink it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create or have an ego point in it as a sense of knowing that I get from figuring out whether what I said was wrong or right, where I then can tell myself ‘I know’ within the belief that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should know and understand in order to have the authority to speak up and so as long as I do not really understand what just happened or happens in a moment, I do not allow myself to speak up and for example say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ no matter what happens and no matter if I do understand the whole picture – if and when I sense something is off, something is ‘not okay’ or very wrong in it all and I don’t want this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to speak up if and when I do not completely understand what’s going on, out of fear of being shut down (again) as too dumb and stupid to speak up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to cross my borders as long as I do not see and understand the whole picture.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have authority to speak up, to express myself any time, in any moment that I truly feel and see I need to, without understanding exactly what’s going on and within this, making myself a victim of the reality playing out.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to live and define myself within the sentence ‘I am not allowed to speak’ integrated within my belly underneath my belly button.
Here what I need to learn is, ‘it is not wrong or right, I just express myself’- that’s basicely it. Not to now blurb everything out, but it is more about that I accept myself and that I know that if I am going to say something, that I am not going to hold it against myself, like I know that I am allowed to speak and if I do speak, I am not going into guilt and being hard on myself for it. Allowing myself to be comfortable, to allow myself to speak. Knowing that I am allowed to speak if I want to in that moment.
Till here for today. With gratefulness to Kim and her amazing QCK qualities for the specified information laying out so that I can open it up for myself with self-forgiveness.
I sometimes have a ‘thingy’ with my cat Basha where I firstly disagree with him in something that he does or asks for and that I interfere him in. I had such thing shortly ago.
Basha came walking back to the house from the back of the garden at an unusual time (where he normally rests or sleeps, outside in the summer and inside in the winter). He came into the house and I saw he had a mouse in his beak. I took Basha and put him outside again before he is letting go of the mouse and let it free in the house – and where we then have a mouse in the house. (There are a lot small mouses here on the large cemetery behind the garden and apparently there was one in the garden as well – perhaps from an earlier catch).
Outside, Basha went to the grass and there he let the mouse free and then started playing with it, so when it moves, he takes it again etc. I then start to want to free the mouse and eventually I grasped Basha and let the mouse move away, as it was not looking really hurted and it was able to run.
Here I am not sure if I did the right thing but more that I could not help myself to free the mouse. Basha disagreed (obviously lol, he is a cat and the mouse his pray) with it let’s say passively, so not protesting with his body, as he was purring all the time, but I ‘felt’ or noticed that he disagreed, not being ‘offended’, but more like I was not aligned in it all somehow.
A few hours later I decided to connect with Basha to see what he is having to say about it. I do this as how I have learned it at a course, with a picture of the animal I connect with. I learned in a conversation with Sunette through the Portal a view years ago, that it was not really communicating with animals, but merely connecting with (a part of) the animal and that to really communicate, I need to be clear on myself when I go into my mind and when I am in awareness. So I only use this for myself now and then on matters that I merely want to have more clarity on, to see a principle, so it may even be a support to connect with myself in this via the animal.
What I did see in the connection / conversation with Basha is the following:
He is playing with the mouse and is actually standing in equality with it, within and as himself and as the mouse as well. There is a form of connection between them, between the pray and hunter, however here I do not really have an insight in. What I do see is my own approach:
I am ‘coming up’ for the weakest, in this case the mouse, which is out of protection and out of a form of morality, which is not coming from a starting-point of equality. So I break the connection between ‘cat and mouse’ (hunter and pray) and I interFEAR and actually step into morality (in and as the mind), out of equality.
What I did see here, is that I expect from ‘others’ to ‘come up’ for me; for example as a child, expecting a parent to come up for me as a child and if not happened, I am still holding on to this ‘idea’ when growing up. Here my starting-point is victimization and not equality. I hold on to an idea of disempowerment and have plenty of justifications for this, in and as morality. So it seems ‘right’; however I am coming from a point of morality, from ‘right and wrong’.
Where Basha is coming from a point of Life, from equality, from expression, one and equal, honoring himself, in and as himself, being a cat and within this, he is honoring the mouse equally.
Often, or actually always, when I have such thingy with Basha, I learn from him something about Expression, about Life, about Equality. He is awesome in this, he is unwavering, firm yet gentle, continues standing his ground until I get the point. It is who he is and what he does. However for me, it means a lot. Within this, I see him becoming more at ease and gentle as well – we have walked quite some points together – and sometimes I even sense as if he wants to change a bit in this as well in his habits as a cat. Like for example, a while ago, he catched a bird and the bird died shortly after. I expressed and asked him to not catch the birds in the garden. Like it is not needed, we already have food enough to feed ourselves and the birds are feeding themselves in our garden. I sensed as if he somehow saw what I meant. Like he regret this last bird catching in some way, because of ‘not being needed’ out of survival.
But, it could be my projection, he is a cat so it will show through time. It can also be related to him becoming older and a bit more balanced in his hunting urgings or simply not yet having an opportunity again. What I understood from him, is that he wants to practise his hunting skills from time to time. I then asked him to catch a mouse sometimes outside the garden – he also does this, mostly in the night. However I now interfered with this as well. I actually want him to not catch any pray!
Not to say that we need to let everything happen, that we cannot come up or speak up for the weaker, as we should take care of all and especially as a parent, we should take care of our children and give them save space to express themselves. What I merely want to point out here is the difference in starting-point and how ‘taking care of the weaker’ has often a point of morality in it, of victimization as well and then trying to ‘feel better’ and ‘make up’ for something by ‘rescuing’ another. Actually I see most or even all charities in the world, based on this starting-point – where we actually should come from a starting-point of equality, of an equal money system, where charities are simply not needed.
I will open up more personally and with self-forgiveness on this polarity of ‘right and wrong’ in a blog to come. However I wanted to share this introduction and also how Basha supports me in this, how he actually always has ‘the right end’ so to speak because he is in a starting-point of life, expressing himself unconditionally, equal and one. I can argue and justify and protest, to eventually go back to him saying, okay, I see your point of expression Basha, forgive me for my approach. And then it’s done and I have learned and we move on and he is quiet in this point as well, not drawing my attention anymore on it, by for example (in his case) meowing a lot, but it could be other outstanding attention drawing behaviour. Animals are awesome examples in the principles of life.
Self-forgiveness on precious blog Dag 828 – Facing a system inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nausea and fear, almost literally sick when I move myself towards this point within and around my solar plexus.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dizzy when I start opening this blog to write self-forgiveness on this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as like I need to take the root off of this system, however I do not directly see the root and so I am only scratching the surface.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, my low self-esteem by going into and following a high, in and as positive energy that I may not directly notice as ‘positive’, to feel good about myself, even when it is not taking everything into consideration, it is almost like a ‘normal’ as an automatic going into the positive firstly to avoid the low.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the low within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so bad about myself and my actions that I take in and as an expression in words, from this point of high within me, trying to compensate what has made me feel low before in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate the low from the past with a high in the present.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become assertive and outspoken without little patience in and as this high within me, to be as strict and clear as possible, to prevent a new low to come in as ‘happening to me’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for a new high, as not understanding what system I may enter and so within this, I prevent myself from accessing a situation that I may ‘like’ or prefer or that even may be beneficial for me, out of fear for a high and the crampings that it may give physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like only wanting to cry and break down to release the energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a competetive point with regards to my waist, comparing my waist to the waist of others and within this, finding myself incompetent because I cannot manage to create a small waist and/or flat belly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need a flat belly and small waist in order to ‘be sexy’ and so, to have sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of depression in relation to my self-image and to my self-esteem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I, as who I am and how I look physically, that this is not good or not good enough and that it should be different.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to download a program from someone I trusted in my environment at an early age.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words being said to me at an early age, that I have chubby arms and so that my whole body is not okay, that my whole body is chubby and that it should be different.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my body should not be chubby.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to download a mind-program as pictures and images from a males preferences in and as the mind, as how a female or woman’s body should look like (according to this person’s preferences) in order to ‘be sexy’ and so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from here on, try to be and look like that download, so like a program, created in and as the mind as pictures and images of preferences from a single male, of a female’s body, in order to stimulate sexual energetic feelings, without seeing, realizing and understanding that by doing so, I confirm and sub- or unconsciously stimulate a males mind-program as well in and as sexual energetic feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sub- or unconsciously stimulate or activate and so actually confirm, a males mind-program of sexiness and then becoming angry about it that ‘he is coming at me with this sexual energetic feelings’ that I then feel like I need to fulfill them / him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to fulfill the program that I firstly activate or stimulate myself in a male and so, I become stuck in this in every intimate relationship that I enter or even consider , where I more and more become physically constricted because of suppressing the low self-esteem that is underneath the high that I feel like I need to keep fulfilling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and depressed the moment that is being said to me that I have chubby arms, which did come to me from an adult in a complete innocent moment of playfulness with a friend as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the adult for coming at me with those words of his sexual programming as if I am not good enough – at the age of six! – at the same time realizing that that adult was not aware of the program inside himself, however still I find that such words are intolerable and even more to a child of young age, with or without being aware of programmings inside oneself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move myself through this point of blame towards another, to not know how to direct myself within it all and so I withdraw and take myself out of the equation, with a result of loneliness and separation, which is the cause of my sadness and not even the happening itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless towards such moments of programmings being installed towards and onto me, not knowing what to say in the moment, not being aware enough of what happens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so tired of anticipating on all kind of programmings and judgements and projections that others express towards me as if ‘it is really about me’ when it is not, it is not about me, it is about them but I make it about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another one’s words as of they are about me, when it shows clearly that it is not, however in and as my low self-esteem,I make it about me as ‘attention’ to feel better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent on attention from others to feel better and within this, accepting and allowing projections upon me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to defend myself every day in what is about me and what not, where I tend to withdraw.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now realize that because I have this ‘black hole’ within me as mind-programmings or systems existing within me as downloads, I pull this projections towards or upon me, sub- or unconsiously trying to fill a hole or repairing a trauma from the past, that I back then downloaded and started to believe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along with what another is stating or saying even though I do not understand it or even though I see with common sense that it is not true or even harmful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another more than myself in certain area’s and so I become agitated and irritated and going into competetive, assertive, executive and outspoken with little patience to where another is coming from, leaving no space from initiative from another as this may trigger my control as defense mechanism and from here, using this ‘not being assertive enough’ towards another as reason and justification to withdraw or attack.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become rather unpleasant and unapproachable especially for males and within this, feeling victimized that ‘no male approaches me or that no male is taking initiative’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from downloading this whole system of images and pictures of what may be sexy for a female to look like, only based on preferences and likes of one male that was not even directly related to me, creating a low self-esteem in and as subjecting myself to this ‘picture’ of what a woman should look like – as a system designed to sabotage my self-expression, me as a being with a powerful potential to express myself as a female – as a program that is constantly bringing myself down and within this, placing males ‘above’ me as being better or higher and at the same time, becoming angry about this as well as if the male is placing himself as ‘being better’ when all the while, it is a projection from me on the male that may trigger their pre-programming in and as the male-ego that looks down on females as a blue-print, however it is only a mind-point, not who they are in totality and not who I am in totality, however I constantly play this out if I do not let go and delete this download within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really think and believe that I can reach a physical model that is not in my physical design, it is not who I am, however I really really want a small waist and flat belly or actually now I really want a normal stool without the need to focus on this all the time, from which I also actually do not know if this is in my reach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could ‘solve’ the spastic colon when may be I can not, may be it is part of my process here on earth, walking with the condition of an irritable bowel syndrome as a physical guideline and point of cross-reference of where and who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my stool and irritable bowel syndrome and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my mind and programmings and judgements within and as my physical body, showing itself in and as an irritable bowel syndrome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my whole life, focussing on solving this colon issue and what if it was all a waste of time, a ‘waist’ of time as not realistic? where I do see what I walked in it all which is not a waste of time – without this I would not be who and where I am these days – however what is next, what to focus on, what to create? as it all feels so useless, as I still do not know how to live with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to live with a irritable bowel syndrome and so I keep focusing on ‘solving’ it, being aware that I am all emotional about however, not yet able to step out of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find an irritable bowel syndrome a stupid thing that needs to be solved and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having an irritable bowel syndrome as well as for not being able to solve it physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so diminished in it all that I cannot breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better, thinking and believing I could change things that may be unchangeble physically, all in order to feel better and ‘showing’ perfection as a form of spite to all and everything that ever hurted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a high as a form of spite or revenge, to all and everything that hurted me that makes me feel low, without seeing, realizing and understanding that within this all, I keep cycling and activating and re-creating that what may have been done onto me once in the past, mostly out of unawareness from others as well – welcome to the revenge of the ego in and as self, recreating my own turmoil.
When and as I see myself going into executive, assertive, outspoken, value, competence with little patience, especially in conversation with a male, I stop and breathe. I realize that I may enter a defense programming that may bring myself towards withdrawing or attacking and so, I stop, I breathe and I step back for a moment, as a ‘withdraw’ in and as myself, to take a moment to reflect and process activated energetic experiences to from here, see what I need to say or do in that moment or a following up moment.
When and as I see myself looking at other female’s waists, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am comparing or going to compare or judge myself in a way that I would not accept from myself towards another, so why am I accepting and allowing this towards myself? What makes that I can do this to myself and hurt and discomfort myself in this? I commit myself to stop hurting and discomforting myself within comparing myself to others and others to myself and so I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others and others to myself with regards to body-image (and in general, however to make it specific, in body-image). I commit myself to bring my focus actively on who I am in and as my female expression, in and as my being and who another is as a being and connect in this with myself and another.
When and as I see that I am participating in a high within myself in wanting and trying to create a certain body-image, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am suppressing something within me related to a low self-esteem as in ‘not being good enough’ and so, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to take a moment to embrace myself unconditionally and to see and forgive myself for what the low self-esteem is about and how it activated.
I commit myself to take time to embrace and accept myself in it all, as who I am now, with and within this physical condition of irritable bowel syndrome and to take time to walk this process with and as myself as it is not an easy one and so I commit myself to have patience and being gentle, with and within myself, as long as it takes.
A process to be continued and to be walked in real time. If and when ready and constructive, I will write more about it.
Due to some physical issues that I found I needed some support on, I decided to visit Kim at Quantum Change Kinesiology for a few sessions online. I find her incredibly detailed and specific with regards to looking at programmings that are physically integrated, looking at it in depth where I am not able to look at myself and relating it to memories from early age. In the second session we came to a programming that I can write out in public because it is all about myself and I find it such an important point for males and females to consider with regards to body image and with regards to being and becoming responsible for what we pass through onto others / children.
It is about a mind-point that is physically manifested where the physical support I mostly take on by myself or with the support of others within the natural medicine and everything around it. So within this we are looking at what the mind-point is about.
The question was: what happens in the moment that I am going into cramps in my large intestine?
What comes forward is the executive, assertive and outspoken, value, competence, little patience. It is related to a high (positive energetic experiences) and the cramping is a result of whatever construct I go in when I feel high. (When I experience a fear of the high it is of not really understanding what program I go in when I go into that high).
I am going into a competitive point with regards to my waist. I have related a small waist and flat belly to ‘sexyness’ nd even on ‘being able to have sex’ and from here on, I became somewhat anorectic and developed crampings in my intestine as well (I cannot recall if those crampings was here already earlier). It is really a mind-system so it is bigger than only thoughts, reactions, feelings and emotions, it ‘is me’ and so I actually do not see it. And that is exactly what I notice, that it is so integrated that I am not really able to stop myself in it by for example stopping thoughts and looks of comparison, as even that seems impossible. Which feels very strange, as in ‘why am I not able to stop this when I know it is not good for me?’ The answer is then that it is part of a larger system.
This system is sitting in my solar plexus, a bit lower as an energy system of where it comes from. The energy feels like a form of depression in relation to my self-image and self-esteem. A pre-programmed downward movement in relation to myself.
It is programmed within me at an early age. When growing up, I am trying to balance this out or compensate with positive experiences (this is where the high is coming in) where I am balancing out the depression point when it comes to my self-image. The high / positive is tight to that negative. The high is compensating the negative and suppressing and hiding the low self-esteem. And this suppression is causing the cramps. The self-esteem is really really low and this gives a conflict when I go into that high. I also really really suppressed this low self-esteem, pushing it deeply away, trying to erase it.
What is it about this self-image or self-esteem that I am suppressing so much? It is like a tiny thing below my solar plexus that becomes tinier when I look at it. Hiding in a layer of shame. This is a shame around the competition, it looks like a programming (the shame). The shame is hiding the fact that I actually really want this body image. The shame is hiding the desire for this body image. Like the shame as a way to not really be self-honest about this desire (as a programming) that I really really want this. This layer of shame as self-dishonesty of me not being honest with myself on it and then going into judgement.
Here I see that I do not know how to deal with this desire (actually with a desire at all) as this desire is not really realistic (to desire a body-image that does not fit the natural form of my body) but at the same time I desire it.
This system is designed to sabotage my self-expression: me as a being with a powerful potential to express myself as a female; as a program that is constantly bringing myself down. I accepted the system that keeps telling me these things that are unrealistic. A programming that is constantly telling me that I am not powerful and confident (which comes with accepting myself). However, I accepted this system of powerlessness and insecurity, I accepted it as ‘who I am’.
It is a programming designed to limit the female power and expression, as a female turning against myself in my mind. I developed this identity or self-image around it where I really believe these experiences of insecurity and becoming them as this mind-system.
To me it does seem like a silly point from which I already know that it is not realistic and somehow I notice that I still believe that it is realistic to achieve (for example with training and things like that).
Who in my life told me something that I have to be something different (than who I already am)?
Here a memory came up that is related to it and this I find such an important point to consider for all of us:
At an age of about six years, I was playing at a (lady) friend’s home. We played together often. They had parquet on the floor on which we could the sit on a blanket and being pulled over the floor by each other and sometimes by her father, which we liked very much doing. At such playtime, the father of that friend was playing with is and said out of knowhere: ‘look at Ingrid, what a chubby arms she has (Dutch: iets als ‘kijk wat heeft Ingrid een mollige spekarmpjes’). Here to mention that I was not overweight at all, perhaps a bit chubby as a natural weight.
In this one moment, he was transferring all his programming around body image etc to me and I accepted / downloaded it in that moment. It interfered with the acceptance of myself and with knowing that my body is fine. I allowed that moment to define who I am in body image and self-esteem.
Here I need to look at ‘I am statements’ in my mind such as ‘can I really be who I am? I don’t know if my body is good enough or how it should be? Am I allowed to be who I am? There is a possibility that I should be different, that I should not look like I look like. I suppose there is a possibility that I am not acceptable the way I am, that according to reality I am not who I should be. My environment makes comments about my body image so there is a possibility that I am not acceptable the way I am’.
Here there comes confusion around what is real, like my body looks a certain way but according to my environment, how things are (as how my body looks) may not be supposed to be.
I did not understand where his comment came from. I took what he said literally, I did not realize where he came from, from a programming in his mind. It did not make sense to me but I trusted him (as the father of that friend), which creates conflict. As a child I am very trusting of my environment, I pick things up because I don’t understand people are lost in the mind.
From here other ‘I am’ statements occure like ‘I don’t really understand what is going on but I go along with it unquestioned. I leave it up to other people to tell me how things are’. ‘I don’t need a sense of self because I trust my environment’. Trusting that my environment kind of does it the right way, like I don’t need to question anything because I believe I can trust my environment with everything.
Some of this is a mind-point but it is also me, being myself. where Trust = my being = no knowledge and information. Where my mind is turning this into a layer where I easily get programmed by my environment. Like a mind layer where I allow people to tell me things, the mind starting to latching on knowledge and information that people tell me. Here I need to work with strengthening my commonsense and my ability to question, to say ‘hey this is unrealistic’. Being the one who sais ‘this is not realistic’. When I see that something does not make sense, to be my own authority and state like ‘this does not make sense’ instead of accepting it unquestioned. To break down the mind-layer around my self-trust.
I will in next blog, start to bring into self-forgiveness what I find in it here. I already had a tough day where I felt so ashamed about forcing myself in a way into a body image out of an (unrealistic) desire, although I now have the information that I downloaded a program that is transferred to me on an early age – it was like going through that layer of shame and sadness around it all day with a ‘hold’ on my intestine.
What I find such an important point here to consider for us all, is how easily we transfer a mind-program to a child (that is trusting mostly) and the enormous impact that it has on a life. I have come to understand that children are more physical now when they are born so this gives probably a more physical stability and common sense already within them. However, in one moment something can change a life (for the good and for the bad). We need to start becoming more and truly aware of this. I mean, this happened with me around 45 years ago and I am only by now able and starting to work with it (which I notice is not directly easy), despite all the effort I did last 30 years around it (that created layers and that I needed to bring down as well). And I am being able to do so now, because I have received support in defining what happened, what it entails and where it came from. It was a memory that stood by me and I noticed in that moment that I did not like it, I felt indeed already like questioning myself back then and really ‘shrinking’ in that moment, however I had no idea or even a clue that the issues around my waist and body image where coming from this particular moment.
For individual support into depth I recommend to visit Space of Grace. And ofcourse, always for the basics and overal understanding, I suggest to start at Desteni I process Lite. For information around mind-systems, programmings, the History of Mankind and practical support in it all, one can visit Eqafe. Thanks.
Ik stap uit de trein op een vrijwel leeg perron – het is het eind perron met één spoor. Het eerste wat ik doe is mijn mondkapje af, we zijn in de buitenlucht op een leeg perron. Er komt een conducteur me tegemoet en ik besluit hem zo een prettige avond te wensen. Ondertussen log ik uit met mijn ov chip kaart. Nog voor ik iets kan zeggen zegt hij iets. Ik versta hem niet, hij zegt het nogmaals: “ook op de perrons is een mondmasker verplicht.” Terwijl hij ondertussen dicht bij me staat, binnen de 1,5 meter. Ik ben perplex maar antwoord ‘dan doe ik em weer op’. “Jahaa ook bij de bushalte is het verplicht” zegt hij. Ik zeg nogmaals ‘dan doe ik em weer op’ en loop verder, ondertussen zoek ik mijn mondkapje en de hele weg naar huis komt er van alles in me op.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me perplex te voelen tegenover de conducteur.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me compleet van mijn stuk gebracht te voelen door hoe de conducteur tegen me praat.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te denken ‘ik ga nooit meer gedag zeggen’.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb verdriet te ervaren in dat ik een prettige avond wilde wensen en nog voordat ik iets gezegd heb of kan zeggen, een opmerking als correctie naar me toe krijg die ik als onterecht, onnodig en superieur ervaar en hierin ongelijk.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf kwalijk te nemen dat ik niet gezegd heb wat ik ervan vind, namelijk dat hij regeltjes aan het opleggen is in plaats van met gezond verstand naar een huidige situatie te kijken.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te vinden dat hij zijn positie als conducteur misbruikt om mij op deze manier aan te spreken.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me niet in zijn schoenen te kunnen verplaatsen en te zien waar hij vandaan praat ook al heb ik het meerdere malen geprobeerd.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb zelf weleens zo te praten tegen een klant, alsof ik me persoonlijk aangevallen voel als een klant een regel niet opvolgt in de winkel en dus voelt de conducteur zich waarschijnlijk persoonlijk aangevallen dat ik een regel (mondkapje verplicht op perron) niet opvolg op zijn werkgebied waar hij zich dan waarschijnlijk verantwoordelijk voor voelt.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb met minachting naar de opmerking van de conducteur te kijken en hierin naar de conducteur zelf.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb vanbinnen te verkrampen door zoveel onrecht dat me voor mijn gevoel wordt aangedaan, waarbij ik zo snel geen woorden vind om me uit te drukken in hoe ik ertegenaan kijk en dit dan ook nog eens te onderdrukken in mezelf aangezien ik verwacht dat er met regels gereageerd gaat worden.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me uit te drukken of niet uit te drukken al naar gelang van wat ik verwacht waar een ander mee komt, in plaats van mezelf hier onvoorwaardelijk uit te drukken in waar ik voor sta, los van ‘regeltjes’ – hiermee niet ‘regels aan mijn laars te lappen’ maar mijn principes in mijn uitdrukking naar voren te brengen in en als mezelf in overweging van het geheel.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf af te vallen in waar ik voor sta.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf niet voldoende mee te nemen in mijn overwegingen en anderen en ‘wat anderen vinden’ hierin voor te laten gaan.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb angst te ervaren mezelf onvoorwaardelijk uit te drukken in waar ik voor sta.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het idee te hebben dat een conducteur zijn macht ‘als man’ op een ‘vrouw klein van stuk’ als mij uitleeft, onder ‘het mom van regeltjes’ en hier furieus op te reageren binnenin mezelf – het is nu de tweede of zelfs derde keer dat ik door een mannelijke conducteur in superioriteit word ‘gecorrigeerd’ op iets wat ik zie als futiliteit in de vorm van een ‘regeltje’, zonder dat er naar het geheel wordt gekeken alsof het werkelijk ‘kwaad kan’ wat ik doe – en dit is iets waar ik zeer zeker op let, dat ik een ander geen ‘kwaad’ berokken.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb verdriet te ervaren dat ik niet herkend wordt in mijn zorgzaamheid en dat ik soort van ‘gepakt’ of ‘afgerekend’ ervaar te worden op een overtreding op een regeltje waarin ik wel degelijk het effect heb overwogen en werkelijk vanuit integriteit, geen fysiek nadelig gevolg zie van mijn handelen.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb iedere dag verdriet te ervaren door het gebrek aan principes, aan integriteit en zorgzaamheid in de kleine dingen in de mens en hierin vaak niet te weten hoe mezelf op te stellen en uit te drukken.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het gebrek aan integriteit te veroordelen en hierin dan zelf weer onprettig (want veroordelend) te worden in mijn aanwezigheid, zowel voor mezelf als voor een ander.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me aan te passen aan ‘hoe het hoort’ en mezelf te onderdrukken in het uitdrukken van wat ik zie in overweging van het geheel, uit angst voor een ‘boete’ en mezelf hier vervolgens voor te veroordelen in dat ik me zo heb laten doen.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf verdriet te doen door me aan te passen en mezelf hier vervolgens voor te veroordelen, in plaats van mezelf in mijn eigen schoenen te verplaatsen, te begrijpen hoe en waardoor dit zo gekomen is, mezelf te vergeven en ondersteunen in het onvoorwaardelijk leren uitdrukken van mezelf in wat ik zie in overweging van het geheel.
I see that now. I am being too nice ten koste van mezelf, mijn eigen fysieke welzijn en integriteit en dus ten koste van het fysieke welzijn en de integriteit van leven als geheel.
Hierin zie ik dan dat ik me niet verder hoef te verplaatsen in de ander en dat ik dit probeer als uitweg om mezelf niet onvoorwaardelijk uit te hoeven drukken terwijl wat ik nu werkelijk kan gaan leren als wat het beste is, is me onvoorwaardelijk uit gaan drukken vanuit mezelf, in integriteit, in overweging van het geheel. Mocht ik hierin een keer ‘over de scheef gaan’ dan kan ik mezelf hierin corrigeren, vergeven en verontschuldigen – de neiging om me in te houden ten koste van mezelf is vele malen sterker aanwezig dan dat ik het geheel niet in overweging neem en anderen schaad – dit gezien mijn aard en het proces dat ik heb gewandeld en wandel en dus, schaad ik juist (mezelf en/als) een ander door mezelf niet uit te drukken. We missen hierin kansen tot zelfverbetering en tevens houd ik mezelf in een staat van zelf-oordeel met projecties als oordeel naar anderen toe en zo cirkel ik rond in mezelf, zonder hierin te veranderen.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb rond te cirkelen in zelfoordeel en oordeel naar een ander door mezelf niet uit onvoorwaardelijk uit te drukken in wat ik zie vanuit mezelf in integriteit, in overweging van het geheel en zo mezelf en/als een ander, de kans te ontnemen hierin een stap van verandering te maken.
Wat had ik willen zeggen?: “Ik vind het niet terecht dat u dit tegen me zegt. We staan hier op een leeg perron in de buitenlucht. Het mondkapje voegt hier niets aan toe en u komt nu zelf te dichtbij. Ik zal het kapje weer opdoen maar wil u ook vragen om uw woorden en actie nog eens te bekijken. Ik wilde u eigenlijk een prettige avond wensen”.
Als en wanneer ik mezelf zie ineenkrimpen door een opmerking van een ander, vaak een man maar ook als het een vrouw betreft, in het opleggen van een regeltje waarin ik zie dat werkelijke principes hierin niet worden opgemerkt, dan stop ik en adem. Ik realiseer me dat een ander vast zit in een regelgeving (alsangst-gedachte) en dat ik wellicht hierin iets trigger door niet te voldoen aan die ‘regelgeving‘. Ik stel mezelf ten doel hierin vriendelijk, doch rechtstreeks te verwoorden waarom ik het regeltje niet naleef en wat ik zie in het grote geheel. Vervolgens overweeg ik de regel alsnog op te volgen om geen onnodige consequenties te veroorzaken, echter in samenwerking met het uitdrukken van mijzelf in mijn standpunt.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb nog steeds op een ander te wachten die het voor me opneemt maar dat gebeurt niet; het is niet gebeurd en het zal niet gebeuren.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb de moed te laten ontbreken, de moed te laten zakken en dit vervolgens te onderdrukken in mezelf om vanuit deze onderdrukking, anderen buiten mezelf te oordelen en ‘de schuld’ te geven voor mijn eigen gebreken, waarin ik feitelijk mijn zelfverantwoordelijkheid weggeef, wegleg en zo mezelf ontkracht in mijn mogelijkheid tot zelfverandering in en als het oprapen van mijn moed, het bijeen rapen van alle stukjes van mezelf waarin ik mezelf heb versnipperd in en als angst en dus,
stel ik mezelf ten doel mezelf bijeen te rapen, de stukjes terug naar mezelf te brengen in en als zelfvergeving om van hieruit de moed in mezelf te versterken en mijn kracht – kracht als dat ik mijn zelfeerlijkheid kan vertrouwen – te gebruiken als methode om het volgende te ontwikkelen in mezelf: het tot uitdrukking van mezelf, vriendelijk doch direct en onvoorwaardelijk (zonder verwachting van respons).
Ik stel mezelf ten doel mezelf onvoorwaardelijk te omarmen in wie en hoe ik nu ben en van hieruit mezelf te ondersteunen in kleine stapjes van verandering in het onvoorwaardelijk uitdrukken van mezelf in wat ik zie in het grote geheel, met gezond verstand, in overweging van mezelf in en als al het leven.
I am looking in the word Equality and what it means. As how I see it, equality is the most challenging aspect of this process of birthing myself as life from the physical. To take responsibility for every aspect, every thought, emotion, feeling in and as myself. To stand ‘equal’ with it within myself and through this, with all and everything that exists in this world.
Without equality, I am not able to manifest myself in my utmost potential, in and as self-expression in a way that supports myself and another equally. I started my Desteni I Process around 10 years ago and 10 years before this, I have finished my education in natural medicine. However I have not yet been able to successfully start something within this area in a way that I see myself in my ability reflected. There was always something missing and I did not want to start giving something ‘in my name’ that I am not totally satisfied with, in that I see there is something more.
One aspect of this process is that I ‘fear people’ so to speak. Bernard pointed this out to clearly to me with the words ‘you still fear people’ – not as something big, but let’s say mentioning it two or three times towards me – when I was at the farm in South-Africa. It was not something new, only a confirmation from what I did already see and sense within myself. This ‘fear of people’ makes it difficult to ‘work with people’ in a supportive way. When I asked him ‘what to do about it’ he mentioned ‘it’s a thought‘. When I bring this back to the existence of a single thought, I come to a view of it is probably based on moments in childhood, where I felt like ‘loosing control’ in for example being disturbed and then creating a thought to create an illusion of control, in and as my mind.
(Click here for the Englich explanation in an interview and here for a personal Dutch youtube exploring this mechanism).
Which then develops into being triggered again in other moments, creating energy in the form of emotions (negative energetic experiences) and from here building up towards the polarity in and as feelings (positive energetic feelings). So I then could say that in interaction with people, I create a thought as an attempt to ‘keep the control’ inside myself because this is all I know. Which I then form judgements about within myself, towards myself and from here projected into a form of blame onto others in which I create a ‘fear of people’. Something like that, I still do not see the exact construction as I do not see specific memories but I am getting more stable in it.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I engage THOUGHT, it acts like GOD and fear emerges as make believe concepts and ideas I make myself believe till I am scared. Essentially, I create my fear and then am afraid of my own creation – such a powerful being I am – yet it all happens ONLY IN MY HEAD, ALONE and when I can transfer MY FEAR to another HEAD, through talking, or writing, or examples or pictures – it remains IN MY HEAD alone, MY FEAR ONLY.“
So here I am after 10 years walking this Desteni I Process, to get to know myself in thoughts, emotions, feelings and the process of self-forgiveness (as self-understanding) and self-correction in my living action in word and deed. And here a new area opens up. An area that I have not walked in before. And this is asking for self-trust. For trusting myself in that I will see in the moment what to do as what is best. Where the knowledge and information is here as a back up for myself, to cross-reference the solutions that come up within me, however not as a strict guide-line to follow because that is the reason why I did not yet start something in my own name after completing the study of natural medicine; because doing it on knowledge and information only, is not enough. It is not what and how I want to give as myself in and as a point of support.
So, back to the word equality. Because I see this process is all about integrating the concept of equality within and as myself. To at least use this as a starting-point and so a self-commitment – not as an absolute goal as if I have already ‘reached’ this but as an ongoing process and enough to start with. I have seen that it is enough to start with practically because I have stumbled on a physical support that in my eyes reflects the point of equality in the source within our physical body and so I can use it as a physical support for every one who is able (also with regards to some costs that come along with it), ready and willing to receive. And here it is up to me to find the courage within me to walk into this new area of self-expression as a way of support that is best for all, within my personal reach. So that I can expand and learn beyond my programming and others as well, in a way that is best for all.
In every conflict, in every war, in every physical disbalance there is (or have been in the past and being unresolved) an aspect of equality missing and so the starting-point needs to be relooked at. We somehow are able to grasp the word oneness, this because it is used in religions and so the mind can grasp this in a way. However in which religion do we really see equality coming through as a living reality? Jesus is living it in his message, however he also have been ‘veiled’ in a way which ended up in a form of control, channeled into a ‘religion’, following a ‘God’ which he never intended. How is real equality possible if we already believe in a form of ‘God’ that ‘stands above us’ as the creator, I mean, as something that we have placed our responsibility on? Here the starting-point is already screwed and so the point of equality is missing. Which equally means that we are missing ourselves in and as the responsibility of being the creator of our own creations as consequences.
“(…)My message was that of equality. Yet, the White Light so specifically arranged for my coming to be that of creating a religion for all to be enslaved and not realize, experience or see who they really are. For if the beings here on earth, even during the time I was here were allowed to see and experience who they are – the White Light and many other dimensional beings would not be able to have power and control over earth – power and control being their alpha and omega. The White Light and many other dimensional beings’ God were: Power and Control. The best place to stand as such was here on earth. What I understood before coming was that I was sent to bring forth equality and awareness to the people of earth for they had lost themselves and forgot who they are. The White Light said that they are sending me specifically to speak, show and reveal once again who each are for peace, harmony, freedom and equality to once again prevail on earth. All that I in this moment stood for as who I am. With absolute excitement and uncontainable gratefulness I set forth on my journey on earth to assist all too once again become aware, see and experience who they are. Primarily I presumed through information given to me by the White Light at the time – the people, the beings incarnated on earth have forgotten who they are because the interdimensional interaction was non-existent and weren’t consistently surrounded by beings such as myself who clearly remember who they are in every moment.“
“The White Light required a manifestation of who each one really is to walk the earth to assist all to once again remember – as I have explained. I clearly remember my experience on earth some two thousand years ago. Each and every single being I came into contact with – I experienced as equal and the same to who I am, yet individual and unique in their forms of self-expression. Little did I know during my experience on earth of the mind/consciousness construct which was imbedded and implanted within people on earth as a specific enslavement construct to have the people on earth remain as slaves for other to inflict their power and control ego-applications. I was not aware of the mind/consciousness construct as the White Light veiled it from my eyes so that I may only see who each being really is as myself – I did not see their earthly three dimensional systems at all. According to my understanding, and this is exactly what I did – I showed, spoke and revealed to each on earth what they are capable as me to apply and become when following my example through specific application. I did not intend for myself to become a being to be worshipped and for God to be portrayed as a being outside each one. My specific words were for each to understand who they as God as me and I am an example of who each one is. I showed as an example the simplicity of the ability to heal, to moveout of your body completely, to leave your body for a certain amount of time and be able to come through again through breathing in the breath of life that is you. I alone was not able to travel through the world in one singular life to assist all on earth to understand who I am and each are, thus the first application I knew I was required to do was to gather a certain amount of people to follow my process, examples and words, to become as who I am as they are to once I leave assist the rest of the world. To each spread into different directions, establish themselves and walk amongst others and show, speak and reveal who each are as they are as I am. My plan was to once I leave earth permanently create an interdimensional relationship with all on earth to not allow anyone to forget who they are and become lost through forgetfulness. Surely as all on earth who are reading this in this moment are able to see that this is clearly not the way it played out – as I intended and set forth. (…)”
As how I see it, the mind can not grasp this point of equality because it would mean that the mind in and as energy in plus and min, as how we have channeled ourselves into, is coming to an end. So we should not wait for ‘god’ in and as our own mind, to bring in some equality. Because as long as we only ‘think’ and look from a ‘mind-perspective’, we will not see the solution in and as equality. However we can use our mind very well to see – this ‘I’ that is ‘seeing into‘ my own mind, this is ‘me’ as a beingas the directive principle – where we have separated ourselves from our responsibility from our substance in and as sound, as this is coming up clearly in thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, conflicts, illness and disease and so we have it all within us to start this process of birthing ourselves as Life from the physical. For those who have the time and money and so what is equally needed for a world that is best for all, is an equal money system as an equal birth right for every one. That is not yet here, we are still far away from that. But for those reading here, it is possible to start this process within and as self. Also join Earth Haven.
I invite everyone to write something about equality with #Equality, in what it means and how we have walked it so far. So that many examples and aspects will be out here, to spread the word so to speak, to bring it into living.
I will expand with some self-forgiveness as well in a blog to come. Thanks!
I am looking at how I often assume that someone else is thinking something about me, when and as I should do / say this or that; and because I do not want to have the other think ‘that something’ about me, I easily decide to NOT do / say this or that. So I withdraw myself and hold in my expression, based on assumptions in and as my mind what another MAY think about it.
Pfiew that sounds complicated isn’t it? It looks like a perfect way to keep myself busy in the mind with projecting my own thoughts / assumptions onto another and then using this as an excuse to not go into the unknown of self-expression and also to keep generating a certain energy within me, where a form of blame is existing in this as well, on forehand. So I already blame another for what another may think about me when I do / say this or that and within this, in / as my mind, I then hold another responsible for what I do express or not.
Let’s open this up within self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, blame another for what they may think about me when I do or say something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in and as my mind, within assumptions about what another may think about me and then using my own assumptions as an excuse to decide to not express myself in that moment.
I wrote assumptions now 3 times as assumprions (as the r is next to the t) which looks like ‘prisons’ to me, interesting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prison myself in my own assumptions in and as my mind, in thinking about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of fear within me within my own assumptions as prisons; as thoughts about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.
Which brings me to what Bernard said to me about eight years ago, that I still ‘fear people‘ and when I asked ‘what to do about it?’ he mentioned ‘it’s a thought’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people within creating thoughts about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that and within this, holding another responsible for what I say or not say and for what I do or not do and within this,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for my experience of fear for another, which is actually created by my own thoughts as assumptions about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.
This is understandable in theory. In practice, it is related to an emotional experience that I withhold within me that prevents me from expressing myself. This then should be based on an experience that I once or more had in childhood, as this is how we mostly create such suppressed emotional experiences and then creating thoughts about it as a default way to try to get back in control, when what actually happens only is that the control in / as the mind, within and as myself, is increasing and so creating this prison within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely disempowered when and as another gives a feedback on my expression that is totally not aligned with what I mean to express. And in this moment, what comes up within me ‘I don’t know what to do’.
From what I see, it is possible that the feedback is indeed not aligned and may come of a point of control of the other as probably a parent, who in that moment, does not know what to do eather and so, the parent goes into a form of control to not experience this within self. And so the sins of the fathers are passing through. I do not have children to pass it through, I would even say that this experience is one of the reasons (amongst many other dimensions) for that I found myself unable to make a decision to receive and raise a child. So this patterns that seem so small, go quite deep and do have far consequences. Important enough to stop, understand, forgive and change this within myself. Slowly, step by step, as in ‘guiding the child’ within me to open up in my expression and going beyond this experience of disempowerment. So that I am no longer a part of passing the sins into this world.
This emotional experience, based on a memory, is also often the reason used as an excuse to keep blaming and not taking responsibility for my own thoughts as assumptions. Because within my mind, it feels ‘so right’ because it is based on something that did happen in the past and that was not persé ‘my fault’. So here I need to take the step to embracing the fact that it does exist within me now, that I did accept and allow it to develop into a habit or pattern within me that is harmful for myself and others as well; in holding myself and another PRISON in patterns and habits, based on assumptions and thoughts. Where through my acceptance and allowance, it did become and so it is, MY responsibility. And this is the only ‘way’ to empower myself to do something about it. So no wonder that I do feel disempowered in these moments, as I automatically place my responsibility outside myself and so while doing this, I disempower myself to do something about it. Over and over again. Which enlarges and accumulate the experience of disempowered. I ‘build up’ my own prison. But, as how we all know, deep down inside self: I cannot change another, I can only decide to – and change myself.
So. The theory is clear. Back to the experience of disempowerment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disempowered within a moment that I express something and another shows a complete misalignment with what I express or even goes into a form of control as reaction within self to what I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame it on me’ when another goes into a form of control as a reaction on something that I express, thinking and believing that ‘someone needs to be blamed’ and so it is either the other or me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that someone needs to be blamed, instead of simply taking out the blame system, to no longer participate in this game of thoughts and assumptions and instead, take responsibility for me in that moment and seeing in that moment what I can do to express or maybe keep silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself – and another – busy in and as the mind within this game of thoughts and assumptions, within this ‘blame-game’ actually only with the purpose to ‘win’ and generate energy in and as a ‘good feeling’, or trying to ‘prove that I am right’, to get away from the negative experience of disempowered, not seeing, realising and understanding that and how I enlarge this negative experience of disempowerment within me and within this, creating an experience of ‘fearing people’ in and as blame, where someone needs to be blamed. So either I blame myself or I will be blamed by another – in and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a joker within and as my mind in participating in this blame-game – the joke is on me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘being too much’ when I express myself, like ‘too much asking for attention’ or ‘too much distracting another’ or well, too much of many things.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see beyond the possibility of blame, as in ‘it has to be you or me’ in and as the mind and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself and another prison within a fight or war as if someone needs to be blamed alone which is actually trying to NOT be responsible, at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I participate in and as the mind in polarities in systems, that I enable myself to take and be responsible for and as myself, simply because the mind as a system, is not able to do so, it is only an energetic system, created by acceptance and allowance in and as mySELF and so the source, myself is what I need to bring myself back to in order to take and be responsible for anything that exists within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a system for not taking and being responsible when all the while, I am avoiding to take responsibility for myself in and as this system, in and as self-understanding, in and as self-forgiveness and so deleting the system as a whole, bringing back the polarity in and as energy that creates a constant conflict back to myself as a being, as the one and only with the ability to be self-responsible and while doing so, enabling myself to birth myself as life in the physical, in and as substance, sound and aligned with and as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to not be responsible at all and within this, preventing myself from the possibility, joy, expansion and so much more that self-expression does entail, if and when I allow myself to open up in and as responsibility myself.
When and as I see myself participating in thinking about what another may think when I say this or that, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in an old habit or pattern as an energetic system that no longer serves me, as I am an adult now, I am in the geographical and economic location and far by strong enough to take responsibility for myself in any moment and so, I commit myself to breathe and clear myself in a moment to then see what it is that I would like to express and then do so in alignment to the moment and circumstances, weather it is with another to share something or with myself alone within for example a self-forgiveness.
When and as I still see myself holding back my expression in a moment with another, I stop and breathe. I realize that my expression may not be aligned or that I need to take small steps to guide myself in this new area and so I commit myself to hold myself by the hand in embracing, exploring, practising, finding and expanding myself in and as my self-expression, which I realize that goes in small steps, with trials and errors here and there but not anything that I cannot correct myself in and while doing so, aligning myself in and as the expression of life itself as what is best for all life. Where in I commit myself to practise the application of redefining and living words, as a support to align and sound my expression with and within what is best for all.
Within my last blog I announced a new chapter of going to share and express more profession / discipline related. In this blog, I will look back into the 8-9 years that I now participate within the group and principles of Desteni and within which I thus far, have walked the written courses of SRA 1 and 2.
Here I will especially focus on my personally most challenging distraction, which is the area of ‘love‘ and relationships and in my case, it was mostly related to ‘finding or keeping’ a relationship. Which means, nothing stable did come forward out of it.
But!
Here actually did come forward something stable out if it: ME
I have reached a point where I start trusting myself in my decisions with regards to intimate relationships and no longer settle for something less than what I see is my potential and who I can be within a partnership. It took all of me to come to this point and the Desteni I Process and weekly buddy chats, supported me immensely in this and eventually prevented me from going under in it all. So I could walk through it all, through relationship-patterns, in and as the physical as well, with the Desteni I Process and buddy chats by hand, keeping me on track and as a reference point in that I would not loose myself in it all.
I now stand on my own two feet without SRA lessons and Buddy chats in this period of my life (but still walking my Desteni I Process as this is an ongoing ‘process’ in any case) and I have come through the first let’s say ‘testing’ moment of not giving in, into a lesser version of myself that I already could see on forehand but that I before, most often still allowed myself to ‘go into it’ with the reason that ‘I am not totally sure’ and so ‘testing it out’.
This gives actually more trouble in paradise lol, meaning, it gives build-up experiences and so more difficulties in an eventual ‘letting go’. This ‘testing’ is not totally out of line, as it can be good and cool to ‘investigate and keep what is good’ however, I also see kind of a backdoor in it as a distraction of this individual path that we all walk alone in a way with our unique purpose in it. And the ‘aloneness‘ in it. Notlonelyness, I really mean ‘aloneness’.
This is what I am currently facing, this aloness, this walking alone where only I can give it direction; I mean with ‘it’, my life and what I would like to create. Finding it out while walking yet aligned with a clear view forward. The stopping of the buddy chats actually supports me in this at this moment in my life (point of self-honesty!), to really be by /with myself and becoming really comfortable in this, with me, as me. Sometimes a support can keep a door closed as well, preventing from diving into deep as the depth of myself and I am glad that I could open this door for myself in communication with my buddy. Knowing that ‘back up’ support is here when needed and trusting myself that I will ask for support when required.
However, not much talking about love yet here as I see. Hmmm. Every time I try to write a blog about it I fail in this, I ‘dodge’ the subject or I write it out as a concept, not satisfied enough to place it as a blog because still ‘not being sure’ and so points existing within me to walk before I dare to close the backdoor.
But. Again. Lol. I am finally satisfied with the path that I am walking and standing up in it. It’s not exactly that I would describe it as ‘I am happy’ as I do not really know what that means; I mean true happiness is not to be found in a world that we currently exist in. But, I am becoming more satisfied with me. With me keeping to it (the ‘path’ that I am walking), sticking to it, in and as myself so let’s say ‘sticking to myself’.
It is not what I would have expected. I face a lot of moments of ‘jealousy’ in a way, towards partnership related situations that I would have wanted for myself. You could actually describe it as ‘my worst nightmare scenario’ as in walking completely alone (yet together with all of you) at the age of 47, no children, no partner. Is there regret? Sure. A part of me feels like walking a life review here on earth, facing where I did not live my best and why.
However I do not experience it as a nightmare. I actually see myself enjoying myself more and more, in very small things. I catch myself responding and laughing to a silly thing, for example with my cat, even on days that I do not particularly feel good but facing some tough times and then without thinking about, it I express myself in joy and then in a moment it comes up: “hey I can not have fun now, I am all alone and ‘sad’ about this”. Lol.
That sounds like a program to me. That ‘I am not allowed’ to enjoy myself alone while walking alone. Not saying that ‘I want to stay or be alone’ all the time or my whole life but at this point, this is the situation and it does make sense actually in that I do need time for myself in this creation process and I find myself, still, quite easily distracted by companionship.
However what I also recently started considering, is that I am easily distracted by companionship because the basic from what I got involved into, was always a ‘relationship’ and so easily interwoven with each other, until the point of more and more compromising myself in what I would like to express and create. Or let’s say. it was even a compromise in finding out what I would like to create. Going with the ‘bare minimum’ and trying to convince myself that I am satisfied with this. When actually all the while, what I really wanted and want – if and when a potential situation opens up – is an agreement and nothing less. But I was not ready to even say this word as an option for myself:agreement. So I tried to settle for less, with different kind of excuses projected on potential partners. And so it did not become stable, because I do see my potential and less than my potential, is not equal to that potential, it’s less.
So Love as how we mostly know it, as how I have walked it, I see merely based on sexual attraction and so on pre-programming. This is potentially being possible to be transcended into an agreement but not easily. Because the starting-point within ‘love as sexual attraction’, is sex, instead of equal communication and self-support. And the starting-point determines the outcome focus – which then will be sex – which is actually a snail biting in it’s tail, as it does not come out of this pre-programming.
Within a starting-point of love as sex / sexual attraction, I did and do no come into expansion and self-creation and mutual support. With sex in it practised, yes of course, but as a tool, based in self-honesty and within and as self-expression. This (self-honesty) is important, to not abuse the ‘tool’ into a hidden agenda of fulfilling one’s secret desires (of having sex anyway in this case).
And WOW, this attraction may come up strong and feeling like ‘this is the place to be, I must take this chance, although I am not really ready’ etc etc, translated into thoughts like that within and as my mind. Especially when this attraction is mutual. It is like being catched in the fire and focus of it and it feels so good and right. So only recently I allow myself to take the time, to not directly ‘dive in’ and bind myself into some commitment by my own words, spoken within this strong experience. Because that is what is binding me: my own thoughts and words spoken from a mind-blowing experience, so actually spoken from a point of manipulation in and as fear – to miss out (on this experience). And here I come to the statement that ‘love = fear’ that I found not easy to see, realize and understand, as being true and real. So not from a point of ‘knowledge-understanding’ but really seeing, realizing and understanding it within and as self.
I am watching a religious serie at the moment and here I start seeing how the experience of Love is actually lived the same within the ‘Love for and of God’. The same conditions, words, experiences are coming forward, only directed towards Jesus and / or God. So interesting to see this confirmed. I only took it out of the religious zone and into the partner zone. So still blinded by Love / God / (in/as) the Mind, only different focus. (Jesus I find a different story as here a human being was walking and living Words but still not seeing the whole picture of who God truly was – this can be investigated here).
If I would be a Christian I could say something like ‘It’s God’s way’ and ‘only God knows why it is like this’. I have dived deep into myself, my past process with regards to relationships and pregnancy and I say ‘I did not live my best self‘. For understandable reason’s, sure and I can then even say that ‘it was best’ in that time of my life but still, I was not living my best self in who I wanted to be, with ‘all of my heart and / as self’ taken into consideration, as I was not yet able to do so. With consequences. So that is what I learned directly: what consequences are and how we do create this for ourselves (and others). And I did in a way ‘do my best’ with all I could see and be in that time. But it was not my best self.
Here, saying ‘it’s God’s way’ I see as keeping up a veil, to not experience the deep regret of what could have been possible within my utmost potential and taking responsibility for myself in it completely. Because it hurts, like ‘Hell’. However it was was ‘Life’s’ way as my own ‘Self’s’ way to learn me to do so, within and as the process of self-forgiveness.
The interesting thing is that also more profession / discipline based, it is not what I would have expected. It is actually ‘new’ yet very much aligned with what I was searching for from the beginning and still footed in the area of natural medicine. Back to basics yet new and expanding and integrating and aligned with my whole process here within Desteni as well. What is real is in it, what is not real stays out.
Here I can find myself more in a ‘Christian’ related view, as in that one ‘first need to unconditionally believe’ and then ‘God’s ways open up’ instead of firstly wanting to have ‘proof’ before one let one’s own fears and limitations go. With regards to what I walk now as a choosen purpose, I saw myself firstly letting go of this ‘relationship-distraction and desires’ and quite short after this, a new area within the natural medicine opened up for me to explore. Well, replace ‘God’ for ‘Life’ as ‘Self’ and replace ‘believe’ by ‘trust’ and it becomes more self-centered and grounded.
All Righty. My name is Ingrid. I am a female of 47 without having walked a full term pregnancy as without having biological children and without currently walking an intimate partnership. I am standing as an example for the single ladies who may perhaps fear my life for themselves, now or in future as how I did – which may not be needed when certain processes can now be walked faster and at a younger age – however showing as well that you / we / I do not need to be ashamed, to stand alone for a time being, short- or long-term and although it may be wanted differently. I am actually right here, right now, exactly where I need to be with all that I have in me / with everything that I have walked, even when it does not ‘feel’ so, to eventually be and become the best version of myself, in and as consideration of life as a whole.
This is what real (self)-love looks like in the first place.
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